no george this is where i come to forget my problems i don't want to see him here i've been coming here since he was in diapers since you were in diapers i even changed your diapers on this pool table i used to powder your butt with the blue chalk [Laughter] you know what my mom would have done to me if i'd pulled any of this crap she'd make me sit on my hands until they fell asleep and then she'd slap me with them why are you hitting yourself why are you crying wipe your tears and
i'd be like that oh please they wouldn't last one night at my house you know they would probably start crying the very first time they had to drink water out of the tap oh it's slightly yellow oh vic hope to see you later tonight bring beer and plenty of cash thank you benny but i do not pay for the sex no but you do pay for the house where your ex-wife and her boyfriend are doing it so you are paying for the sex you're just not getting any what mom are you pregnant screw you the
one day i go without my control tops and i gotta hear lip from my kid if it's not you oh look at that the magic wand that can make men disappear congratulations daddy well you always were a confident little guy no matter how many times you failed i'm gonna find a date to homecoming mommy i'm a stud i would have got a date mom if you would have let me bite deodorant hey i gave you lemons to rub under your arms mom i smell like a lemon's ass man i wish they had these when i
was a kid mom i would have sent a picture to social services of you hitting me oh come on if you couldn't hang on to your sippy cup when i smacked you what makes you think you could have held onto a phone [Applause] what are you doing oh see i am taking my losing lotto scratchers painting over them with this silver nail polish and then i'm selling them to the neighborhood kids i took a lose-lose turned it into a win-win good then you can go to hell hell why don't you worry about your own problems
what's a princess mad about this time forget to put the seat down and she dunked her donut spencer vogel the new man candy on channel eight how does angie know him oh he's from miami nasa dayton high school she dumped him for me and i thought i couldn't pick a horse oh deja vu i had this same fight with my dad when i was 16 except he was chasing me through the neighborhood with a machete that was back when they let you be a parent [Music] hey check it out it's the ghetto mary poppins [Laughter]
come on mom i'm just trying to cheer you up you dirty little oompa loompa what choice do i have man it just keeps getting worse for me hey you're welcome benny you want me to make you some breakfast you must be hungry no thank you princess i've seen enough burnt things today that's okay boy here come on mommy thought the couch was ugly too it doesn't get any better than that i haven't seen you so scared since that halloween you know when i chased you around the house with a knife well that would have been
funny on halloween but it was easter benny this is not funny no it's not funny to you and that makes it funnier to me wait a minute you're drinking a beer you're laughing at people's misery mom you're back no no i'm not back i just got a good laugh out of you running out of there like a wuss [Laughter] you know i'm glad you're not going to work on monday i don't need all my employees hearing about how i got chased out of my house by a dog you know since you've been gone i've been
getting some respect around there well that ends tomorrow because i'm gonna go back to work and i'm gonna tell everybody how my little girl was running out of the house cause she was being chased by a teacup poodle that dog's a 100-pound killer not in my [Applause] story go to bed carmen [Laughter] this is the most irresponsible thing you have ever done how could you take our 17 year old daughter to a bar you're right i took advantage of carmen i feel so guilty oh i don't deserve to be conscious right now [Music] she's picking
me up you're not leaving because of me are you what no hey don't flatter yourself i can't stand any of you anymore you're all getting on my nerves you know what i can't take another night of your cooking if there's any justice in the world a chicken will come back from the dead make you flavorless and you i can't even get into the bathroom when you're home clown face i've seen drag queens put on their makeup faster and you deodorant oh and you god gave you those big ears for a reason doesn't want you to
reproduce hey check it out benny's so old she almost got a noah's ark but they couldn't find the female of her species guess if anyone would know about not finding a female it'd be you hey this is your roast you don't do me no one does thank you you can't keep max a little boy for the rest of his life he will always be my little boy and i will always protect him because that's what mothers do yeah right that's what mothers do hey mom remember when you protected me from new shoes vitamins and toys
hey i protected you plenty of times remember that time i threw my body over yours in that car accident mom your door didn't work you were trying to get out by climbing over me since when does it make you a good mother to die with your son last night was her first day then it was magical she says i'm the most handsome man she'd ever seen oh that's so nice so when you kissed her good night did her seeing eye dog growl she's not blind she's crazy about me and we are going out again tonight
don't worry about me i grew up without that stuff i was poor angie i couldn't even go swimming in a swimming pool because my mom wouldn't buy me a swimsuit i had to swim in a garbage can [Applause] i got that one [Music] holy crap i'm moving very slow don't spray me oh no not the cheaters guys again joey i told you for the last time leave me alone you
