Amor, Paixão e Conexões: O Que Realmente Importa? - PODPEOPLE INVERSO COM DRA. ANA BEATRIZ | Ep. 010

The more a couple appears, the more they show themselves on social media, the worse their relationship gets. That influencer couple, Virgínia, Zé Felipe, you're so obligated to show that you're doing well, to show that you have a child, that your child is wonderful, that this, that that, that it ends up wearing you down. We want to stay together. We have a good story that justifies us trying, and then each of us puts it on the table. Commit to small changes. Envy. I want what's yours, because I think you had it, because you took my place

in having it. Be faithful to what the other person shared with you in secret. Never use what the other person gave you as trust to hurt someone. Never. Hello, everyone, welcome to another episode of Pod People Inverso. Here, Bia is a guest and Gabriel, representing you, becomes the host, the interviewer, the one who brings the insensitive, direct, and objective questions, just the way you like them. Before I begin, I'd like to thank Axon, our sponsor, for This supplement that promises to deliver physical fitness and mental agility. If you haven't tried it, try aon.com.br directly on

the aonom website or the official Axon Brasil on Instagram. How are you, Gabriel? How are you, young man? Today's the day. So, let's get started. In the last few weeks, we've been getting a lot of questions about relationships. I think last week there was even a case of Maxuell, who had two relationships because of ADHD and everything. Oh, and the question. People are complaining that you say you'll answer the next one, but you don't. No, but Maxuell, but that's a lot of questions, it was answered. No, that's right. But the thing is, there was a

buzz that Maxuell's responses, his comment, started discussing relationships. So I said, "Hey, there's an issue we can bring up with the doctor." Perfect. I got a Harvard survey of 165,000 people to give you an idea. 165,000 people in 85 years of research. That's a lot. But in general relationships or marriage? Relationships. Oh, I had to mention it. There was already an exemption. But here in Brazil, there are many people who don't get married like that, who get together and it can be considered. Look, even by law, If you live with someone for more than a

year, if I'm not mistaken, you split the bills and share some. Ah, stable union. Stable union. It's considered. There was a saying my grandmother used to say that it's, uh, together with faith, married. Yeah, then it's worth it, it's worth it. So, it's valid, right? Yes, with the intention of starting a family. It's a marriage. Of course it is. Now, in the years you've been working with people, how many years have you been working with couples? Oh, I used to work with them, right? I worked with a lot of couples. A lot of couples. How

many years, more or less? I worked with them for 35 years in total. 35 years. So, in these 35 years, was there a pattern you noticed within the relationships they had, what they went through? There's always a pattern. There's always a very typical pattern: the beginning of the relationship, which we put between 6 months, 2 years, which is the dream, the enchantment, right? Passion corresponds to passion. We often say that we shouldn't marry in passion, because passion, your vision is altered, you're always looking at the other person from the side. It's addictive, because exactly what

makes you like someone, we can never define it, because one Fine day, among so many people, you choose someone who messes with your biochemistry. This is magic. I understand. This really is magic and it's really biochemistry, because this first stage of any relationship, well, it's a stage where you have a buzz of a boiling, not even a buzz, a boiling of neurotransmitters. In passion, you have an increase in serotonin, you have an increase in dopamine, and you have an increase in dextromethorphan. Up to 300% of dopamine is released during this phase of infatuation. What's the

difference between this cytokine and a cytokine from a drug, something synthetic? No, dopamine. Dopamine that we can link to altered states that cause dependence. Yes. Oh, from what you said, 300% 300%. This means you see in the other person a need to be with the other, to talk to the other, to see the other. And this almost characterizes a dependence. It's very typical for people to have that dependence at first, wanting to see each other every day, wanting to talk, wanting to listen, wanting to be close. This stops dopamine, and that causes euphoria, a sense

of well-being. Something good happens to both people, suddenly, if they're both in love. Hmm. Hmm. Which is usually the case When there's a couple, be it a man with a man, a woman with a woman, a man with a woman, the passion will be unleashed in the same way. Usually, when it's very strong, it's on both sides. Wow, that's great. So it would be right to say that instead of taking drugs, we should date, right? Look, if passion happens—that's what I'm saying—what exactly makes passion happen? What makes passion happen? I don't know why, it's because

there seems to be some chemical work, right, inside, right? But it's because, like, when people say, oh, you attract the same type of woman, you attract the same type of man, but then you'll see, there's a history, right? Women who have suffered abuse, but we have to see that you're not a standard, that you attract everyone, right? No, no, it's not that. It's not that. But then, okay, you might even attract a lot of people, but what makes you suddenly look at that person and say: "Something's changed?" The biochemistry has changed. You have, you look

at the person, there's a heat, there's a little tachycardia, it's that thing that makes you blush a little, that thing you have, words fail you, you know What you're feeling, but you lack that organization. Passion is a boiling of neurotransmitters, especially dopamine. But it's not just dopamine. Uh-huh. Right? You're talking about dopamine, which is this thing of dependence, it's the motivation to get up with that goal, it keeps you more alive, right? There are even some movies, there's a movie called here, I think it's 500 Days of Summer, right? That shows the guy when he's

with her and outside of her and how he was before her and how he was when he started the relationship. He said he even had more desire to get out of bed, he had more passion. That's it, because you're Dopaminergic, right? Dopamine is the substance. uh, of focus, it's the substance of action, of motivation. So, passion is that, but it also has serotonin, it also has cytokines. That's why people in love like physical contact so much, right? I remember one time I was on a Rio-São Paulo flight, one of those we always take on Fridays

going to São Paulo. And then the plane landed on the runway, right, and we had to catch a bus and I saw a young couple, right, but they were kissing so much, with so much intention on that on that On that bus that there were people like, oh, how absurd, oh, I don't know what she was. And I looked and said, "Guys, who can blame this explicit passion?" Their eyes were shining, but they were shining. It was one, they weren't there. All of us there on that bus were scenes from that movie that was happening.

That was the most passionate thing, explicitly a couple in love, that I had ever seen. I thought it was beautiful. Cool. Everyone can fall in love like this. Everyone can fall in love, but does everyone fall in love like this during their lifetime, or is it rarer, some more than others? Well, I don't think so, some more than others. Some are more prone than others, but I think we all fall in love during our lifetime, and sometimes, because, like, the fact that you fall in love and then whether that turns into love or not is

another story. Hmm. Hmm. It's because there are a lot of couples, a lot of couples who get married after three, if not, months. Yeah, that's a recipe for bad things, right? No, I don't know if it's bad, but there's a good chance you'll get married at the height of passion, which would be the first stage of a relationship. So, and then what stage comes after That passion? Yes, but then let's say you get married at the height of passion, which is what I told you, it takes on average, okay, from 6 months to 2 years.

Well, you're totally in love, you only see the good side. I get it. You're there as if that were the damn thing in your life. It's good to hear, it's good to see, it's good to touch. You have enormous sexual energy, right? Eh, much more heightened. If all goes well, you overcome this first phase, right? In this period we mentioned, there are married people who get married, okay, it worked out. In this case, overcoming would be not getting married in this phase, no. Let's assume not. Let's assume, we're talking about marriage, let's assume you went

through this phase, okay? And then you began a more intimate relationship. Let's assume what we say is the second phase of marriage. That would be the discovery phase. It's the time when these neurotransmitters start to decrease, you start to see reality more clearly. It's not that you lose the enchantment, but you lose that idea of ​​thinking that only good things exist. It's like what you say about babies: at first they burp, poop, fart, and spit up, but then the mother says, "Hi, how beautiful." But then you say: "Wow, it's hard work, it's hard work, right?

Until that first moment when the mother is in love, releasing the cytokines, right? But like, if we go through passion, through this enchantment, I call it the dream moment, of enchantment, you go to discovery. Okay? Then you're in a longer coexistence, you start to see, there are no good things, there are things that really make you say: "I know why I fell in love, you know, with her, with him." Eh, but you also start to see, it's not difficult here, the temperament, there are things that we have to talk about more carefully. Eh, or you

start to notice, wow, she's more impulsive. You start to notice, wow, but he's stubborn, he's full of manias. So you start to live together and usually in this discovery phase you go to the disappointment phase, because you come from passion, all that idealized, you start to discover things and start to weigh things up. If you don't have some maturity, you You mention 10 good things, but one bad thing. You say, "No, but there's a bad thing: a person who's difficult to talk to, a person who's difficult to talk to, a person who doesn't like to

go out, a person Who doesn't like to have relationships." So then the passion you saw as cute becomes something you start to see as a problem. I get it. In this phase of disappointment, uh, I'd say the third stage of marriage is the moment when most couples decide to separate. Is that right? After the third phase, how many phases are there in total? There are six on average, right? Halfway through, they 're already leaving? Most. But that means it wasn't true love or they simply weren't mature enough to deal with that situation. I think it's

confusing passion with love. Most people think passion is love and passion isn't love. Passion is that moment of enchantment, of a dream with a drug effect. And then when you come out of that moment of finding everything wonderful, you start saying, "I don't think I like it anymore." But it's the opposite. Oh, so maybe we've gotten so used to passion that when it gets to the other part where you have to take the paper to the bathroom for the other person, you say, "Hmm, that 's not cute." That she forgets so much. Exactly. Because before,

in the beginning, you thought Everything was cute. Yeah, right? Oh, she forgets the paper all the time. Oh, she forgets the paper. How cute. Like , oh, she forgot. I was, I had my ADHD in my youth. I forgot to pay the electricity bill. I would cut the power off every now and then. Really not. So what? No, now I set up automatic debit. No, but back then. And how was it dealing with that? Look, it was difficult, but it was important for me to get settled. But what happened at the beginning of the relationship?

What did they do? Oh, let me do it for you. Oh, how cute. Let me do it. No, no need to worry. Oh, then you'll forget. Then, like... So, wow, you forgot again. It's not possible. Okay, okay, okay. There's that part about emotion, right, which she hasn't mentioned yet, but I'm sure the light went out. Let's light a candle, have a candlelight dinner, understanding the passion. That's in passion. After that, no, only if you leave the disappointment stage and go to the reconstruction stage, which in this case, which is like, let's have a candlelight dinner,

so let's have a candlelight dinner , let's make lemonade out of lemons. I get it. If it were in the second, for example, How would the person do it in the second? Which would be the discovery. The discovery, it depends, right? A little disappointed. You'd be disappointed. The third time would have already, no, it's already the fourth time you've forgotten, let's end here. Exactly. It depends on the person. I get it. So, in the reconstruction stage, is when you say something like: "No, uh, it's no longer that thing of hearing the voice and racing your

heart." Eh, I can already see what's cool, what that person needs to improve and I I also have to improve in this coexistence. I have to learn how to speak, because sometimes we can say anything in a relationship, but it depends on how you say it. I get it. That 's very important, because sometimes you're right, you're right, or I'm right, but the way we say it has to be appropriate for the other person. I get it. Some people are more hypersensitive to tone of voice. No, but it's [__], right? You're going to be right,

then you're right, you have to speak the right way to correct the other person's mistake. It has to be love. But that's why it shows that it's love. Because from the moment you're disappointed, you don't end it, you persist, you're choosing The path of love. I get it. Because love is construction. A person shouldn't give up on this part, since they've lost their addiction to passion. I think it has to do with maturity and with one thing: having common sense, which is so difficult these days to say: "Wow, out of 10 things I know, eight

because I chose them. Because of my character, my disposition, my companionship." But there are two that are difficult. But eight are worth it, right? Then you put it in, because no one is perfect, not even the other person is perfect, not even you who enters another person's life. No. It's funny to say this because here in Brazil I even gathered some data for us to talk about this so we don't get stuck in that, oh, I think this, I think that, but you don't want to end the phases, do you? No, that's the phase you're

in, you're in the rebuilding phase, and in the third, no, the third was already the disappointment phase. So, let's remember the first enchantment, magic, okay? Which is the height of passion. The second discovery, let's begin to discover each person's true characteristics. The third comes disappointment with what you discovered that isn't so great, which is where most people end up. So that's what I Was going to say here in Brazil. I was looking, I'm going to pull up the research because I was like, "Wow, is that really all it is? It's about, where is it here,

look? This research is from Brazil. From Brazil. The first one you brought was from Harvard, 87 years old. What an incredible thing. 83 years. 83 years of research. Wonderful in Brazil. Look how crazy it is. Well, when there's a divorce request, 85% of them are accepted. Because usually you ask for a divorce, you have that little fight, let's do it, let's reconcile, right? In Brazil, it's not 85% and it's one of the highest in the world. It even surpasses Japan's 30%, the United States 45. In other words, we are double the rate of the United

States, for example. So, we mean that we have something, somehow, we are not willing to rebuild. We want work done. And here, there's an average that Brazilian couples last 10 to 13 years and 8 months with 440,000 divorces in 2023 alone. That's a lot, damn. 440,000 is a lot . It's 4.9% more than the previous year, 2022. In other words, it's just going up, it's just escalating, this whole thing of us breaking up a lot more. I didn't know it was more than the United States. And Japan has Twice the number of people in the

United States. There are a lot more people, right? And how can we divorce more than what? The United States also has more people, right? It's about double the number. So, actually, interestingly, this study mentions some possible causes. Can I get it here, look closely, because I'm curious now, because, well, Brazilians are impulsive, because usually this divorce comes here in the third phase, which is the disappointment phase, which is actually immaturity, right? If you got married with the goal of building a family, giving up on it quickly is sometimes hasty. I don't know, something very serious,

I don't know. Yeah, but the same What I'm getting at here is that it's usually the 40-year-old couples who divorce the most. The age range is the 40-year-old age range. So could it be some kind of midlife crisis that's compounded by everything? In general, right? 40 years old, if everything more or less went well, is the time when people should be starting to have some stability. Although not so much today, but in past generations, you started to have some stability, like Having your own home, and it was already a lot of relief. So, it could

be that with this basic need satisfied, if everything went well, it goes from survival to living, to living. And maybe There are many men who, when they manage to achieve a level of financial stability, and women too, then begin to have other needs. Because, for example, it's much easier to separate when you're increasing your ability to generate money. It's much easier because you lose that feeling of fighting together, of building together, you lose that goal. It's almost like a common enemy, right? We defeated the common enemy. What will happily ever after be now? Exactly. So

much so that couples who build a history together, have shared goals, it's much easier to stay together. That's great, because you go through these phases. Maybe that's why, at 40, it's easier for each person to have their own life more or less and then decide to take flight, right? Look, within this study, uh, there was a Gott Institute, Gotman—not Batman's Gottan City, it's Gotman, it's the Institute, right? Institute. They did a Survey of 40,000 of these couples. And the main reasons for these divorces were excessive criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and isolation. They say these are the

four horsemen of the apocalypse. They're the biggest predictors of divorce and can predict a separation with up to 94% accuracy. So, what you're saying is that a relationship that has all four has a 95% chance of failing. Things that make the other feel rejected, isolated, and disconnected are the cause of most divorces. Exactly. So, you see, it's not a specific cause; it's a combination. But how interesting, because for any human being, being rejected, feeling rejected, ignored, isolated, is a greater pain than physical pain. Why? I still think that's not speaking because I still think it's

a phase of life, you know, when the big battles have generally been won by the couple, you know, and there's time and energy left over for other things. We are animals who live in scarcity, not abundance. Humans have a hard time dealing with abundance. So, When their basic needs are met—housing, basic food, health—they tend to look for things. Yeah, that's a problem. I get it. Yeah, do you think it could also be cultural acceptance that's changed? So, now we see it differently: in the past, you couldn't get divorced, right? It was, it was almost a

crime. Nowadays , that's not so much the case. It's much easier, right? And then I go, I really like that philosopher Zigmon Bman, that philosopher I love, he's passed away, who talks about liquid modernity, liquid love. It's that thing about you, we live in a modern world where the other, especially after the internet, the networks, the other has become an object, right? So you show the other, because, for example, why do you need to show your wife? Why do you need to be like, "I bought her a beautiful ring?" Why? I even have this thing

where the more a couple appears, the more they show themselves on social media, the worse their relationship gets. Really? I think so. I don't know if you remember not long ago, right? That influencer couple, Virgínia, Zé Felipe, they had a very intense life there, showing their children's birthdays, their achievements, showing everything, parties. And when it was at the height of that, of showing so much, there was the separation. I get it. I think there comes a time when you feel so obligated to show that you're doing well, to show that you and your child are

wonderful, that this, that that, that you're so worried about showing a perfection that isn't real, that it ends up wearing you down. Maybe when you have that epiphany that you go to sleep at night and say, "Wow, it could be just the way I show it, and you see that it's not, and it creates an even greater contrast than it already is." I think that at some point, that gets to you. I get it. Because like, if you're doing well, you, me, me, I'm at least a person that you, the better I am in a

relationship, the less I'll expose that relationship, because unfortunately we live in a world where exposing well-being, uh, peace, tranquility causes more envy than exposing, uh, material things. What a thing, right? I think. Could it be because it's something much more difficult to have nowadays? You having a relationship Stable and cool, maybe it's an ostentation you can have. Even more so today, right? But it's from... But let's go today, because like, there's always been envy, always, but today you show much more, right? But today you're visible, right? There's a French philosopher, Buton, if I'm not mistaken,

Louis de Buton, if I'm not mistaken, who says the following: you only envy what you see. I get it. And this book is very old, it's wonderful. Before globalization, look, before was before. Oh, guys, this book must be from the early 2000s. You only envy what you see, right? Well, Louis de Buton, right, and he says exactly that, that this is a human characteristic. For example, if your neighbor bought a new car, you start to have a need to buy a newer, bigger car than theirs. If your neighbor bought a 40-inch television, you'll want a

50-inch one. Unfortunately, this is a human characteristic. Why? This issue of comparison is always there because most human beings don't understand that security is within us. It's something we know we build, something we'll achieve. Most people see themselves through others, and we live in a globalized world where this has become almost an object of ostentation, showing off how good you are all the time, even though we know it's a lie. No one can be so good all the time and keep filming this happiness in a repetitive, tiring way, because it's tiring. Do you imagine that

sometimes being happy means doing nothing? And is there any way for us to police ourselves? Because like this issue of envy, sometimes we might feel envious, let's say, unconsciously or not. All envy is conscious. I think all conscious envy, when you look at something and say, "Oh, that thing should be mine." Because there's such a thing as admiration. For example, I can look at your life and say: "Wow, Gabriel has a cool track record. I wish I had, when I was young, had that mindset he has of doing things and where his heart beats, trying

to organize, trying to succeed, and betting on the things he likes. But what happens is that this is admiration. Envy is a feeling that I want what's yours because I think you had it because you took my place Of having it. Hmm. So, the envious person, a dangerous thing. It's the envious person. He wants your place, he still thinks your place was taken because it was his, it was given to you, right? Taken from him, you know. So, it's not just the envious person, he doesn't just want what you have, he wants you to stop

having it. But sometimes, uh, there's no way, how can I say it, right? There's no way, uh, it's complicated, right, to say this, which is so standard nowadays, so that thing of, oh, I have good envy, that doesn't exist, So, right? There's no admiration. So, no, you don't have good envy. You either have admiration or you're envious. Exactly. Because admiration is looking and saying, "Wow, this guy, this woman deserves the trajectory, the daily battle, of not settling, of, regardless of anything, continuing to do what you do, what you were born to do. That's admiration. In

the last few weeks, I was following on social media, and there were some memes like this, for example, about "This movie is the Jungle." That's it. Jungle free from Tarantino's Jungle free, which is a scene where Leonardo Caprio talks to, eh, Samuel Jackson, and Samuel Jackson says to him: "Look, master, here he has a horse. Then DCPR says to him: "Do you want a horse, Stephen?" And then he says: "Why do I want a horse? I don't want him to have one." In other words, he doesn't even want the horse. He just doesn't want the

other one to have one. That would be envy. Yeah. Of course. That's the ultimate description of envy. I get it. Because you see, he doesn't want a horse, but he doesn't want the other one to have one. I get it. Right? And if the other one has one, he'll say the horse was his right. So go ahead and take it from him. I don't have one. He won't have one either. He won't have one. I get it. Wow, how sad. Or else, for me to have one, he'll have to stop having one. I get it.

This one is even more envious, right? Because he doesn't even want one. He's the only one who's envious to the core, right? He doesn't want the other one Have. This movie. It's really good. And look, you see in that part about envy, right, and everything, we see this a lot of this issue of the friend who envies the other friend's relationship, and the guy who envies the other friend's relationship, who is the famous one, it's not uncommon for couples who have a lot of things like that, of only living with a certain group of friends,

yeah, yeah, when they separate, a Couple forms from the exes of the others. Look, how crazy. It's not uncommon. I get it. I get it. Like, you have three couples who always go out and one keeps badmouthing the other, oh, or they start that awful argument at the table, right? Uh, talking to the partner, giving the other a message. So, it's like if I were at dinner, then I'm like, no, because so-and-so already told you, right? Like, uh, I want to send a message to my partner and I take advantage of dinner to say something

like: "Oh, so-and-so, didn't you say the famous indirect thing to him? It's indirect, that little indirect thing that's horrible, because a real couple has their own dirty laundry at home, right? And they wash dirty and clean laundry at home, it's not just dirty. Because, like, it's one thing to joke, a general thing. Now, it's one thing to talk badly about your partner to others. I get it. It looks bad, thinking you'll be right. That's horrible. This is already one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse mentioned in the study, right? Yes, because you mentioned there

the thing of making the other feel unseen, misunderstood, isolated. It's totally different. And after that, what Would be the next phase of the relationship? Wait, let's remember that we went down a different path. We had the dream or enchantment phase. We have the discovery phase where we begin to see that there's a good side, there's... The bad side. Then we have the disappointment phase, which is where the vast majority of divorces occur. That's it. So, in Brazil, 85% of divorces are accepted, which is twice as much as the United States and Japan, right? Which is

incredible. And the United States is a very liberal culture too, compared to the other side. So it's not just because there's divorce, because otherwise it would be more common in the United States, right? Yeah, and the population in the United States is larger than in Brazil. Yeah, that's crazy. So this gap is bigger. If everything went well, you go to the fourth phase, which is reconstruction. You stop doing these silly things, badmouthing your partner, and you start rebuilding, like, we're going to be together, so let's go. What can I improve? What can you improve? Let's

put on the table what each of you can start Doing to make the relationship better. That's the fourth phase. If you achieve this reconstruction, you go to the fifth phase of marriage, which It's the phase of deep love. That's when, even with their flaws, you look at that person and say, "Man, I like this person even with their difficulties. I like them, I feel good." It's that time when you've already had children, the kids are on their way, and this couple's company is great. I usually say that couples who learn to laugh together have a

great chance too. How cool. Because they joke, right? Well, they know how to joke, right? They know how to joke even about their flaws, about their dysfunctions, right? For example, women have PMS. If a woman doesn't somehow learn to laugh about her PMS, it gets very difficult, because it becomes tense, right? I get it. So, that's deep love; it's what you've already been through all these phases. And finally, there's the last phase of marriage, which is the sixth phase, which is the legacy phase, which is when this couple has gone through all the phases and

becomes an inspiration to other couples. But then you talk about having children, about not being able To have any children. I understand. No, I'm saying this, if there are couples who would leave a legacy like this, for example, the example of a couple that went through all the phases and stayed, we know couples, I know couples that we look at and say: "Wow, how cool, right? They've been together for so long and they still treat each other with love, they still help each other, they still praise each other, they don't talk badly about each other,

right? So, the last phase of marriage is when this The relationship has gone through all the phases and it inspires others. I get it. Others say, " How did he do it, right? How did she do it? I met a couple recently who had been together for 50 years, and she sang to him on their anniversary, and he spoke French to her. I said , "No, but no, no, it's not just 50, my dear. He's been married for 90 years, that's 65 years." Exactly. Years. Look at you, men watching me here. How can we compete

with a guy who, after 60 years of marriage, speaks French on his wife's birthday? And he sang to him, and she sang to him. And she sings to him. In other words, if your wife doesn't sing to you, it's great. No, It was still the song. How great is my love for you. That's what she sang to him. It was. And how she sang, right? Now, look at you and you'll see how cool it is. Hey, couples who agree to couples therapy , right? There's an improvement, one, where is it? Here, look, there's a 69%

recovery. Yes. What, when does it occur? In that phase we call reconstruction, which would be five, would be four. Right after the disappointment, some couples decide to restructure themselves and ask for help. Now, when they ask for help, it has to be both. It can't be just one. Both have to want it. It's the famous "when one wants it, when one doesn't want it, two don't, right? It's because if one doesn't want it, forget it, because no one lives a relationship for the other. I get it. Now, this depends a lot on the idea the

guy or woman went into marriage with, whether it was to build a story, whether it was to start a family with or without children. It's done with a deal, right? Let's make a deal, what's the deal? Because love is construction. Love is not passion. Passion is something that happens, it will happen. It's a biochemical mess that we don't know exactly why, but it happens. Now, love is after this passion has passed, eh, What will I want to share with that person? What am I going to build with that person? I get it. Because, just like

I was getting here, right? Eh, where's the origin of the word "marry," right? Because if I'm not mistaken, there was something to that agreement, right? This, this, like, this perspective you would have together. Like you just said, if the perspective is different, if the idea is different, it will never work. It will never work. Never. For example, eh, some people get married because they say, "Oh, I'll get married because everyone else gets married." There's a big chance of getting stuck halfway, because you don't do something just because everyone else is doing it. You have to

have a goal. A building to be built requires a plan, it has to have an engineer, it has to have the materials, it has to have the employees, it has to have the people. It's a plan. A marriage is also a disposition we make. It's construction, there's no way around it. Passion isn't always, but love is construction, and it's daily. It's not something that just happens, because there are people who say, "Oh, I got married, I'm settling down." It's not About settling down; it's another stage. If we were to look at our partner like that

today, well, three signs that we still have love, not just a crush or a good relationship. I think it's really cool when something happens when you're in love and every now and then you have a little peak of passion. I think that's one thing, but you have to cultivate it, because then, this passion thing can return. Of course, it'll never be like it was in the beginning, but you have to open up new possibilities, a trip together, a game. I've seen couples reconnect by going to Disney because they've never been, and Disney, come on, anyone

can reconnect with Mickey Mouse there. No, no, no. Because it's connected to a memory of the two of them, of the construction, of when they were young, they didn't have money to go, or they only went to take their kids, and then the kids grew up. They say, "No, now we're going, now it's just us, right?" Because couples also face this challenge. Couples who don't have children generally take better care of themselves. I've seen this throughout my life. Do they need more time? No, it's not about having more time, it's because they see their family

structure in the other person. When they have children, it can be very good; it can unite, but it can also separate. Some couples separate because then the wife becomes just a mother, the husband becomes just a husband, and sometimes loses out. This connection between the couple. Yeah, so I was seeing here in this research, which is by Gotman, right? Hey, Gotman, after the loss of connection and destructive communication, the loss of connection, the third biggest cause of separation is disagreements about children, right? About how they care for their children, their children's future, and how they

deal with it. I've seen couples get very disorganized regarding their different visions regarding children. So, that's one thing too. When you get married and want to have children, you have to see if your partner is willing. Is willing. And yet both are willing. What kind of upbringing do you want to be given? This has to be agreed upon, because it may have a little bit of your will, it may have a little bit of mine. I get it. So, again, right? You have to set expectations. It's for the sake of having, because I see many

couples having children for the sake of having. Oh, why were you there? To not go through the motions. To not go through this phase, because if we go through this phase, life again, we'll return to previous episodes, right, of trauma. Look at you traumatizing a child there. Exactly. Because the child, then, if the parents don't know why they had them, imagine the child. Wow, they didn't ask to be born, so they'll be even more lost, no. He'll be more lost, because he has the feeling that his father says: "Oh, I can't stand your mother," his

mother says: "I can't stand your father." And he, the child, thinks the following: they can't stand each other. How are they going to be here to help me, to put up with me, right? How are they putting up with me? I'm the problem. Sometimes this happens a lot, right? That the child starts like the parents' separation or the couple starts fighting through the children, no longer through their friends. Says like: "Tell your mother if she's going to be taking long to leave." Then the son goes there: "Dad, Mom, Dad wants to know if you're ready

yet." Tells his father not to bother me. Then the child comes back to give this message. This is horrible. I get it. As adults, we have to be responsible. Then it Comes, sometimes it seems like our inner child didn't handle things well. Then comes the marriage, so there are three children, right? What's causing the child to braid hair? It's worse . than a child. So, many children, I had many little patients who were in therapy at the time. I was in therapy with children and adolescents who said: "I don't want to get married." He said:

"But why? No, for my father's relationship, my mother: "I don't want to, I'm out, Bia." No. I said: "But can you do it differently?" No, I don't want to, I don't even want to. Then they wanted to study abroad, they wanted something or other. And I'll tell you, the first time they fell in love, they got married. No, no. I had a really cool experience with my teenagers where I explained all this about the phases, about falling in love, about the neurotransmitters. And I remember that one day he came to me and said: "I'm not

going to get married in love because I discovered that my parents got married in love. What you told me once makes perfect sense." So I would research, I would search on Google at that time, right? I would search on Google and say: "Bia, you're right, something or other." And then they got married, they all got married After three, four years of dating. When it came to having children, Bia, how do we know if my genetics and my wife's are favorable or not? Look, my boys and girls who went to therapy knew how to make good

choices. Well, if they had a good therapist, right? If they had a bad therapist, just imagine. My nephews too. I get it. Right? We end up doing that too. So I think, if we were to look at our relationship today to see what stage it's in, how do we figure it out? By asking ourselves, right? Because, well, the beginning and this dazzling thing is infatuation. I think everyone is in a relationship, unless it's very early on, infatuation. I get it. So, like, after two years, you've gone from infatuation, and then you start wondering, "Average." But

the cool thing is when the relationship is going so well that the love is there, you know the flaws, you're there too, knowing yours, your difficulties. You want to get it right, eh, you talk, you apologize, You don't have that arrogance, and every now and then the passion returns when you decide to go on A trip, alone as a couple, or play games the two kids didn't play. Right? How often, right, does that happen? I think it's pretty cool. Wow, that's cool. So, for example, if we were to take it, like you said just now,

from the moment you recognize the other person's flaws and yours too, you see yours, and everything's okay. So, let's say you've already passed the second phase, which is where the discovery comes, right? First crush or the dream, the discovery, the disappointment, the rebuilding—you've already passed. So, when you see the other person's flaws and yours, and everything's okay, we know how to deal with it, it's okay, no. We want to stay together. How are we going to deal with this? This is reconstruction. So, we're already in the fourth. We're already in the fourth. Then when you

go to the fifth, that's when you've already been through it all and said, "It was worth going through each stage." Because if I had given up, I wouldn't be living this. I wouldn't be living this. I wouldn't have this comfort. I wouldn't have this security when I'm sick, knowing I can count on someone. When I'm happy, Knowing I have to have someone who rejoices in my happiness, which is very difficult. Nowadays, it's like, I want to see you well, but not better than me. Exactly. Now, and when we're addicted to this passion, what are the

signs to see that, wow, I'm already in my third marriage that lasted two to three years, but it's usually a passion addiction, right? Because they go for discovery, they go for disappointment, they change. They only change partners, but in reality, their functioning is the same. It's like a child who, like, oh, I'm not, I can't play my game, I lost, so I'm going to leave this group, I 'm going to another one. I get it. First, you have to know what you want, right? Because, for example, there are many good people, many good people, but

they weren't born for marriage. Look, how does that work? For example, there are people, men, I've had patients, men who I used to say: "You were born not to get married." Because they lived like, "I'm not going, I want three, I want something or other. Just don't get married. There's no problem at all, and don't promise anyone you'll get married, because you'll only get married. Hurt, Resentment, an angry ex-wife, multiple alimony payments, will only complicate your life. A traumatized child. Yeah. I get it. Yeah, nowadays, if we stop and think about it, if a couple

is in phase four, like, phase three, which is really bad, phase three is the one of disappointment. Of disappointment. Yes, it's fair to say that with social media, with so many options, it helps this part of the couple to end up drifting apart, because both she and he have other options that seem to be better on the market. And but those are the options, we've already talked about dating apps. Dating apps are good for the app owner. It's like a poker room. Exactly. Because while you're on the app, you have millions of options. But the

app only wins if you stay single. I get it. So, having too many options doesn't make you make better decisions, because you're with someone, you're doing great, you could build, and then you go on the app, you have 10 options. Oh, but that one might be better, the one you're never willing to build, because you have so many possibilities that you change very easily. And when someone is in a relationship for a long time, They almost feel obligated to stay in it because of the time constraints, because ... wow, I started this here, I thought

this was one way, but I've been in it for so long, I don't want it to be like this, eh, eh, I don't want to continue like this, I want it to change, but I'm not willing to leave this relationship and look for another, which is like, for example, many women in the past didn't have many options, right? They married their boyfriends. Yes. Financially sometimes, right? Many times, many women stayed in marriage because of this, but I think this thing of never being willing to leave is because there's something that makes you stay. I get

it. So when your father and mother come from Oh, your father is really annoying, I don't know what, it doesn't mean they're separating, it means There's a terrible immature habit of constantly badmouthing your partner. It's such a stupid thing. It's never good, right? No, because if I'm constantly complaining about a partner, it means I made a bad choice. So, I'm... I'm... I'm undoing my ability to choose. I get it. You're badmouthing yourself. It's the same when you talk about someone else, right? Like gossip, the same thing. It says a lot more about the person talking.

Whoever is broke there is a bad environment, either you change that environment or you leave. Now it's like just talking badly, badly. Some couples become boring because they're always badmouthing each other, there's no topic anymore. It's horrible, it's boring. And generally, what are the steps for you to, let's say, rebuild, improve your marriage? What can you do? It depends on whether you both want it. From there, the first step is to know if the other person wants it too. If we both want it, we want to stay together. It's worth it. We have a good

story that justifies us trying, and then we can each share it. What do you think I can improve? And it won't all improve at once. Commit to small changes. I get it. It's not because some people say, "I'm going to have to do all this." Don't start. Look, I promise you that in the next three months I'll stop badmouthing the relationship. I get it. After another three months, I'll start. Every time I feel like I like you, I'll send you A message, even if it means disconnecting from everything, because I often think about you but

don't talk. So, these are little things. That's great. You don't make a financial budget to manage your household; you also need to have a budget for the budget, a plan for your relationship. Why not? Why not leave a nice message? Because occasionally, not serving water or coffee makes a difference. I get it. That's cool. Love is about construction. That's cool what you say, right? It's about serving. If I'm not mistaken, there's even a book that lists the five ways to love. Oh, yes, yes, yes. One is the way of serving, another is the way of

caring. There's also this, this, and it's important for us to identify our way of loving and the other person's way to do things with certainty. Because if the other person likes, for example, receiving a gift, it's not that you're just going to express it, but it's knowing that on your wedding anniversary, your dating anniversary, giving something to the other person is important, just for the sake of it. I get it. It doesn't need to be a huge gift; sometimes it's A nice little something, just to say: "Hey, I saw you like that." It's a matter

of care when we look here, right? Of these five love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical contact, and gifts. How can we identify which one the other person likes most? So, my love, you'll have to observe. Observing is work. You don't have to observe which employee is the best at speaking, which is the best at executing. Love is like that too. I get it. Because we do that at work. You have to push, right? There's no way to think everything will always be the same. It's not a bad topic, but it's

an effort that you have to stop, it's about taking a careful look at this fund. It's care. I get it. So, Isam Tiba had a book that says, "Those who love care, right?" That's it. Love is care. I get it. And those who love commit to this care. There, there, words of affirmation, saying: "I love you." Some partners need that, right? Others won't need quality time, talking about plans, watching a series, cooking together, acts of service, cooking for someone else. The act of service is that guy, That woman who loves someone, for example, buying clothes—oh,

you have an appointment, so I saw a nice outfit for you, this will look beautiful, right?—getting something she needs. So, acts of service, physical contact—some people are anesthetic, they like hugs, they like watching movies cuddling, gifts, souvenirs, or big gifts to make the person feel loved. Malu, what's your form of love, Malu? Let's go. It's time to Quality. Quality time. You, Gustavo, right? Acts of service. Acts of service. But do you like receiving? No, no. Doing. Oh, you like doing and receiving? We usually like receiving what we give too. Do you think so, Malu? Yes.

It's interesting. I was thinking, I think it's quality time with... Oh, I like everything. Look, guys. I like little gifts, you don't need them. I like physical contact, you know. I like acts of service. I like quality time. Bia, how can I understand how to deal with someone else's love language if yours is one? But then I think it's the generosity of love. I, I, I can see myself very well in Any of these languages, but I confess that, for example, when I give, I can receive very well. When I give, I really like words

of affirmation. I give well. Oh, you're an author and writer. It's very easy to say. No, but I'm not the author of this book. No, no, no, you can't. Guys, I'm not, no, I'm not stealing, but I think, these gifts, uh, I am, I 'm the daughter of a couple who's been together for over 65 years, and my father and mother always exchanged gifts for our dating month, our 65th anniversary, Valentine's Day, and our wedding anniversary, always like that, I don't remember a date that was missed. And my father always gave us, my sister and

me, gifts on Children's Day, which for him was his son's day. Wow. Always, always. So this here in my family is a love language that we learned and that we pass on. It's interesting. So we're saying that your father gave over 195 gifts just for these three dates during our life, that's a lot, but much more because he only gives three a year, not three, for our dating anniversary. My father still gives my mother cards and flowers for our anniversary . How cool. Okay. So, what would be right to say that men in the past

were more chivalrous? I don't know. I don't think so. I think it's his, and I think she knew how to receive it too, because there's no point in a man wanting to give gifts; he, he, he, he's not, he's not coming here. But there's no point in a man wanting to give. Let's suppose, if there's a man who has this whole gift-giving thing, and there are women —you've seen women who receive gifts. Oh, okay. Why did you give me that? Oh, I've seen it. That's horrible. You know, something like, I don't want to receive, eh,

for example, why do men love giving appliances to women, right? As if it were a gift for the house. My mother once gave me a gift for my father, but she didn't give me a gift for the house. It's really different. Look, we'll see the difference between a couple now, right? Your father is very good. Your mother told him that, what did he do? He started giving her the gift that was meant for her. And the gift would be a mixer, a blender for the house. Look, my dad is completely different from Bia's, because my

dad, he's very good at marketing, right? He turned to my mom and said, "No, This gift, this iron, isn't because you want or need it, but it's to help you with your work, because you'll do it much easier." So I said, "Hey, Mom, don't swallow this, this is for the house. You can ask for a little something for yourself." I agree. I agree. So, if we have to be willing to receive it too, it's really bad for someone who gives a gift within this love language to say, "Oh, I don't know what that's for, I

already have 10." Now, picking up on Malu's question, what about when one of the couples, one of the people like that, is neurodivergent or a slightly different person, how is the other person supposed to understand these limitations? I think the other has to understand, but the neurodivergent also has to understand that the other has a limit. The other, the neurodivergent also has to be in the process of improvement. There's no such thing. If you had the enchantment, the knowledge, right, the discovery, the disappointment and the reconstruction, if you reached the reconstruction, the neurodivergent also has

to help. I couldn't spend my whole life letting the light be Cut off. We have to find a way. It's not that, there sound divergent, I understood myself as Then came automatic debit. Wonderful. What a great intelligent divergence, right? Look at that. We didn't have automatic debit back then, never again. So what did you do? Set a little alarm to remind you when you didn't have it? No, I asked my housekeeper to remind me. So I started making a chart, yeah, that I put on the fridge. The fridge has always been a great source of

information for me. Yeah, in fact, there was a time you kept the remote control inside it, right? Remote control. It's true. The TV remote, but it makes sense. It's for those with ADHD, right? One day we have to write a book for children about ADHD. One day my car gets stolen, an ADHD thing that wasn't stolen. Yeah, we'll make one, look. Okay, okay. I'll go, I'll close it now. Look, so, just to wrap up, Bia, well, when we look, we see a lot of frustrated couples these days, who are afraid of separation, of not knowing

if it's what they want or not. Despite this app thing that gives so many options, it seems like they're self-sabotaging, right? Yeah, they're always shifting The blame. What could you say to these women, these men who haven't separated yet, who are in this phase of reform, let's say, this rebuilding? You need to know if you're really in the rebuilding phase, right? First thing, look, look at the beginning, look at the beginning. How did that relationship begin? What did you set out to do when you started? Are you being consistent with yourself? Did you really want

a quality relationship? If your answer is yes, and if you think that person you were in love with has values ​​that are consistent with yours, okay? When the passion ends, suddenly you look at the person, they no longer have anything to do with you. It was an illusion, really. So leave. Now, if you've just ended the crush and you say, "Wow, but living together made me realize that she thinks the same way I do in this regard. We have a common plan regarding life, building a life. If we're going to stay, we're going to stay

for real. But the worst thing is this whole thing, I don't know, I don't know if it bites the sun. There's a series on Global Play, uh, by Fernanda Young and Alexandre Machado, who are the authors of Os Normas, which is about separation, it's with Débora Block, Which is currently booming with Odet Hmman, but Débora Block is a wonderful comedian. Uh, and Vladimir Briter is very interesting, who is a couple that is in the throes of separation, but in reality they don't want to separate. So, they manage to create anarchy. It's absurd, but it's worth

watching. I was rewatching it the other day. It's very good for those who want everything that shouldn't be done. The couple that keeps talking to another couple, fighting. It's the manual of what not to do. Exactly. I get it. And how long does this reconstruction phase take to not saturate, right? Because sometimes there's a person who's been in this part for four years. It only saturates, my love, if both of you haven't put down on paper those small changes that each of you committed to little by little. I get it. So it ends up not

being passed on, right? Never, ever, under any circumstances. Offend the person. If you're at the height of anger, go take a shower, go ride a bike, but don't say what's on your tongue. What's on your tongue? Don't let it go. I mentioned that the mouth speaks, the heart is there because you know, there are things you know the other person once trusted you With, that are not to be used in anger, not to be used. Be faithful to what the other person shared with you in secret. Never use what the other person gave you as

trust to hurt someone. Never. I get it. That's cool. Addendum here. AB once told me she dived with her car. When I joked that time, I wasn't supposed to. offended, it was just because I thought it was cool. It was a no. But the relationship didn't end because of that. No, it's not that I dove in. The car went into the water. Right? No. Then the car dove in. No, you said. Okay. And on Ponta Negra beach. And Natal. And Natal, Rio Grande do Norte. And guys, don't forget, we're finishing here. Leave a comment below

about what you think of your relationships, if these tips helped you. Yeah, we'll see, right? Because sometimes it's just a misunderstanding. Sometimes, like the doctor said, you have to, right, first you have to speak close to the microphone. Sometimes you just have to sit down, Take away that, let's say, ego, put your heart on the table and list the points, right, what works, what doesn't. Remember, Max, ADHD is not an excuse to Mess up your relationship, okay? Now, do you all know someone who would be nice to receive this video, who is going through a

crisis in their marriage, dating, relationship, or even someone who isn't going through it to avoid it? Send this video to them. And that friend who met that cool person, that friend who met a cool person at the club, who is already talking about getting married, send this video too, okay? Getting married before two years is extremely dangerous. Maybe it works. It can, maybe it works, right? Maybe it works, but not always. So that's it, folks. Click below, subscribe to the channel, click the bell, plus some friends and leave in the comments what you think, what

are the next topics for the next couple, and what are your experiences with marriage, too, right? Sometimes Brazil is very big, sometimes what works in one place may not work in another, but again, there are 169,000 people at Harvard. There were many, many couples. Okay. And there comes a stage in the relationship and you see if you want to continue too. And if you don't, that's fine, it's fine, but be dignified. Be dignified. No ghosting, No disappearing, and no chatting on the legal agenda. So write down below if you want this agenda later. Let's get

everything out of the ghosting doctor. There's the other one too. Ghosting. And no, ghosting is when you give the juice no. That's another thing. Then we'll talk about that. Gassing is when you do, it's a toxic relationship, then you provoke the other person. In relationship part two, we'll talk about that. So, a kiss to you and until next time. You can reverse-pipo.