Weekend Update: Will Smith and Chris Rock - SNL

♪♪ >>> IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> THANK YOU. GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.

>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE. " I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> INTELLIGENCE OFFICIALS ARE SAYING THAT VLADIMIR PUTIN IS BEING MISINFORMED BY HIS ADVISERS ABOUT HOW BADLY THE RUSSIAN MILITARY IS PERFORMING IN UKRAINE. WHICH IS KIND OF LIKE WILL SMITH'S AGENT TELLING HIM, "YOU CRUSHED IT AT THE OSCARS. " [ LAUGHTER ] WILL SMITH, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW, WALKED ON STAGE DURING THE ACADEMY AWARDS AND SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK AFTER HE MADE A JOKE ABOUT JADA PINKETT-SMITH, WHICH I THINK WAS A DISGRACEFUL ACT THAT SETS A TERRIBLE PRECEDENT FOR HAVING TO DEFEND YOUR WIFE AT AWARDS SHOWS.

[ LAUGHTER ] >>> DURING HIS ACCEPTANCE SPEECH WILL SMITH SAID, "LOVE WILL MAKE YOU DO CRAZY THINGS. " YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE MAKES YOU DO CRAZY THINGS? CRAZY.

[ LAUGHTER ] BUT I UNDERSTAND WHERE WILL'S COMING FROM. I MEAN YOU CAN'T EXPECT HIM TO SIT THERE AND WATCH ANOTHER MAN JUMP ALL OVER HIS WIFE. WITHOUT SIGNING AN NDA.

[ LAUGHTER ] >>> YESTERDAY WILL SMITH RESIGNED FROM THE ACADEMY OF MOTION PICTURES ARTS AND SCIENCES. HE WASN'T GOING TO. BUT THEN JADA GAVE HIM THAT LOOK.

[ LAUGHTER ] IF WILL SMITH HAD BEEN EXPELLED, HE WOULD HAVE JOINED A SMALL GROUP OF PEOPLE KICKED OUT OF THE ACADEMY INCLUDING BILL COSBY, ROMAN POLANSKI, AND HARVEY WEINSTEIN. OR AS THEY'RE ALSO KNOWN, "BAD BOYS FOR LIFE. " [ LAUGHTER ] >>> CAN WE STOP PRETENDING EVERYBODY KNEW JADA HAD ALOPECIA?

AS MUCH AS WE HEARD ABOUT JADA AND WILL'S PERSONAL LIVES, YOU CAN'T EXPECT US TO RETAIN EVERYTHING. [ LAUGHTER ] IT'S LIKE KANYE SAYING "DON'T ACT LIKE Y'ALL DIDN'T KNOW I HAD PSORIASIS. " [ LAUGHTER ] JUST SELFISHLY AS A COMEDIAN I'M TIRED OF PEOPLE PUTTING THEIR INSECURITIES ON MY JOKE INTENTIONS.

I CAN'T MAKE A JOKE ABOUT IT BEING COLD OUTSIDE WITHOUT SOMEBODY YELLING BACK, "STOP MAKING FUN OF MY SMALL PENIS! " [ LAUGHTER ] KEEP MY SMALL PENIS -- GO AHEAD. I'M SORRY.

[ LAUGHTER ] >>> I ALSO REALLY LOVE THAT THE REASON THEY LET WILL SMITH STAY IN THE AUDIENCE WAS THAT THEY ASKED CHRIS ROCK AND HE SAID IT WAS OKAY. SO NOW WE JUST ASK THE VICTIM RIGHT AFTER THEY GET HIT IN THE HEAD? "HEY, ARE YOU COOL IF THE GUY WHO JUST ATTACKED YOU HANGS AROUND FOR A WHILE?

YOU DON'T WANT TO MAKE HIM MAD AGAIN. " [ LAUGHTER ] I CAN'T BELIEVE THE ACADEMY HAS A WORSE CONCUSSION PROTOCOL THAN THE NFL. [ LAUGHTER ] AND HONESTLY, I CAN'T EVEN BLAME THE ACADEMY FOR NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO.

NOBODY KNEW WHAT TO DO. EVEN PEOPLE AT THE OSCARS WERE GOOGLING, "DID WILL SMITH JUST SLAP CHRIS ROCK? " [ LAUGHTER ] I THINK WE SHOULD JUST ACKNOWLEDGE THAT THAT WAS ONE OF THE CRAZIEST THINGS WE WILL EVER SEE IN OUR LIVES.

IT'S TRULY LIKE THE SUPER BOWL WARDROBE MALFUNCTION BUT IF JANET'S NIPPLE SLAPPED TIMBERLAKE. [ LAUGHTER ] >>> NOT TO MENTION, CHRIS ROCK HAS BEEN VERY PUBLIC ABOUT HIS NON-VERBAL LEARNING DISORDER. WHICH MEANS IT'S HARD FOR HIM TO UNDERSTAND NON-VERBAL SIGNALS.

SORT OF LIKE HOW WHEN HE SAW AN ANGRY WILL SMITH CHARGING TOWARD HIM INSTEAD OF MOVING OUT OF THE WAY HE PUT BOTH HIS HANDS BEHIND HIS BACK, SMILED AND SAID, "UH-OH. " [ LAUGHTER ] >>> AND IN NON-OSCARS NEWS, REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMAN MADISON CAWTHORN, WHO'S THE ONE ON THE RIGHT -- [ LAUGHTER ] -- SAID IN A RECENT INTERVIEW THAT 70-YEAR-OLD REPUBLICANS INVITED HIM TO AN ORGY AND DID COCAINE IN FRONT OF HIM. WAIT, SO YOU WENT TO THE OLD MAN ORGY?

AND YOU THOUGHT THE WEIRD PART WAS DRUGS? SENATOR LINDSEY GRAHAM, SEEN HERE PICTURING THE ORGY MADISON CAWTHORN -- [ LAUGHTER ] -- SAID THAT KETANJI BROWN JACKSON IS A PERSON OF EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD CHARACTER BUT HE WOULD NOT SUPPORT HER FOR THE SUPREME COURT. SO LIKE MANY SOUTHERN GENTLEMEN, HE'S COMFORTABLE WITH BLACK FOLKS UNTIL THEY WANT TO MOVE IN NEXT DOOR.

[ LAUGHTER ] >>> U. S. OFFICIALS ARE CONCERNED THAT VLADIMIR PUTIN IS KEEPING MILITARY UNITS POSITIONED NEAR KYIV DESPITE EARLIER PROMISES TO WITHDRAW.

PUTIN'S FAILURE TO PULL OUT HAS EARNED HIM THE NICKNAME NICK CANNON.