what's going on YouTube Welcome Back to the channel I'm coach black your internet relationship and breakup coach today's topic doesn't avoidant miss you when you are silent now on the topic of avoidance this is a very popular subject when it comes to the no contact space or when you're dealing with breakup specifically I think most people want to spend time to really understand the mind of an avoidant because when you look at relationships as a whole and you factor in the vast majority of relationships that end up failing usually you're going to have at least
one of the partners or both partners that have an insecure attachment style and by far one of the most common attachment styles that leads to uh relationship dis dissatisfaction or issues or question questions tends to be an avoidant personality type whether that's dismissive or fearful avoidant so in this video I want to talk about specifically what happens when you go silent on an avoidant after they have broken up with you if you are struggling with this topic specifically and you have questions maybe right now you're in a very vulnerable place because you can't stop thinking
about this person right you have frustrations about the plans you once had with this person for the future and so even going no contact as difficult as that is for you you're likely questioning what impact does it have if your ex is an avoidant will it make this worse in this video I want to clarify some of these things so if you find it helpful please do me a favor like the video subscribe to the channel anyway without further Ado let's just jump into it so one of the most important things that you have to
understand about avoidance is that the way they show up in relationship is basically a defense mechanism these are behaviors and patterns that were cultivated over a long period of time but specifically were nurtured in childhood so the first thing you got to understand this has nothing to do with you them pulling away or them being distant or them being insensitive to your emotions this mostly has nothing to do with who you are as a person or how you're showing up this has more to do with their own personal trauma that was brought about by their
caretakers their parents their family members and how they received love growing up see what happened with an avoidant is that they were groomed to B basically learn that being emotionally vulnerable is not safe because likely the times that they had expressed these feelings in the past it usually led to their feelings being dismissed um not being adequately taken care of or even their their parents or family members digging deep and trying to understand where they are coming from why are they hurt in this way right and that essentially led to a place where they do
not feel safe being vulner able with anyone there's a lack of trust there's a lack of certainty in relationships however what you have to understand because there's a void in that space because this is something that has been missing an avoidant does tend to seek out these qualities in relationship they do tend to seek and find that one special person that they can have this bond with that one special person that they can feel emotionally safe with who gets them who understands them and so they have this tendency even though they go from relationship to
relationship wreaking havoc breaking people's hearts whether unintentionally for the most part right because these patterns are going on below the conscious level it's more of a subconscious thing so I don't think that an avoidant whether dismissive or fearful is inherently vindictive right but again just based on how they're raised they go into different relationships wreaking havoc breaking hearts making promises they end up not keeping but in their mind they're not the problem all these people were missing just that one thing all of these people were insecure all of these people were too attached and so
they had this fantasy in their mind that they just have to keep digging they have to keep looking and eventually they will stumble across the right person this is why maybe when you look back into the uh into your relationship you may have had very intimate moments you may have had times with this person where they were completely forthcoming where you were close you had a very strong bond maybe you had a strong physical connection you felt emotionally safe with them and you were building trust and actually opening up to them so you have this
pattern in history with person and suddenly seemingly overnight they have flipped into a whole new person see the pursuit for an avoidance can be very addictive right because they're chasing after this very scarce thing that they've never really experienced before it's something that they're about to reach right as soon as they cross this mountain right they're pursuing love with you they're trying to win you over but to them right happiness and joy is on the other side of this mountain and so they can pursue you ferociously with a lot of uh of of decisiveness with
a lot of interest with a lot of fortitude really trying to make the relationship happen so a lot of times if you look at the phases in the relationship with an avoidant the beginning phase can include a lot of love bombing it can include a lot of intense passion right and these are the memories that you're likely Clinging On to it's the person that you knew when you first met them and so an avoidant can have that tendency to pursue and pursue in that way and what happens for the vast majority of people is when
you finally get to that place of feeling emotionally safe with them and you actually start to lower your guard you start to express some of the things within that you probably would never tell anyone else right you start to do things with them that you've never done with anyone else maybe now you're taking trips you you fully integrated them into your friend group they've met your family they're essentially now your person but what happens in life right just is there's good times there's going to be bad times and so maybe you hit a storm in
life you're going through something in your career or in your personal life or with a best friend and so you start expressing these feelings and doubts and uncertainties with them you start being your 100% most authentic self because after all they're your partner if you can't share this with them who else are you going to share this side of yourself with so you start to open up more and express some of these things to them and what starts to happen is that you notice that they subtly start to let you down they might be there
with you in the physical but you can just feel that something is off they're not emotionally present they're a little bit distant anytime you try to communicate or you try to express some of the doubts about the relationships or about how they feel towards you they might completely dismiss it it's just like oh work work has been crazy or you know I have this going on I have that going on and sometimes depending on how this person's personality is remember an avoidant wants to avoid the difficult emotional situations they might flip it on you oh
you're being unreasonable right I've always been there for you so it's almost like they're gaslighting and you start to question okay am I overreacting maybe you go ask your friends and your family and you present the whole case like did I overreact to this when you start questioning your reality you start questioning your actions when you know you have the best intentions you just want to be there for them but you start questioning your actions this is a clear sign that you're probably dealing with an avoidant and so once that honeymoon phase is over right
and things settle down and they start to pull away is because your needs have essentially become a trigger for them all of a sudden they start to see you in the same ways that they saw everyone else they start to see and start to dig up issues and find drama and start to bring up reasons to create separation maybe now they have to spend more time at work or you know they want to go out with the boys or with their girlfriends whatever the case may be so they start to inject drama into the relationship
to create that separation and depending on how you react to this if you're more secure you may just try to communicate and really try to understand where they're coming from but if you're more of an anxious personality type you don't respond well to these things right because now you're being triggered and you're most likely going to start to exhibit what's called protest behaviors you're going to start protesting with how they're showing up in the relationship maybe that leads to more insecurity right now you start to question them more do you love me do you care
about me you start calling and texting to just figure out their whereabouts these insecurities in you while they have to do with your anxious personality type they were triggered by the avoidant and so essentially what you end up creating is a a a Boiling Pot or kind of like if you seem like a rice cooker when the thing is kind of simmering and bubbling to the top and there's so much pressure in the relationship that more than likely the avoidant is going to seek relief outside of that relationship first they're going to be the first
to leave they're going to be the ones that say Hey I I can't do this anymore and so they naturally pull away and so now getting to will they miss you when you're silent well this has a lot to do with what was the quality of the relationship and how deep of an avoidant is this person because what's going to happen when you're finally silent and you're no longer doing the things that triggered them it sends them into a place of reflection right it like avoidance are not inherently evil people right but they have that
tendency to flee or to run away but the more breakups they have the more failed relationships they've had in the past and the more of a Kind nurturing person you are they have that time to reflect and process and they can finally look and see okay what is my relationship pattern right I'm the common denominator I'm always the one causing these issues so if the quality of the relationship was good for the most part before they started pulling away if you showed up to the relationship as a kind nurturing person expressive at times but always
had the best intentions for them and then now do this no contact period you are standing your ground you're being silent there's nothing more attractive than when there's that air of mystery about you when your ex no longer has access to you remember they ran away because you were chasing them or you were chasing after their love and their validation and so for the first time they're not getting that nurturing now they may go out and try to date and party and travel and do all these things but again if the quality of the relationship
was solid they will think about you when you're silent they will miss you when you're silent now let me be clear this doesn't guarantee that they will come back some avoidance can deal with that emotional pain even if you were the one partner that understood them better than everyone else they may be able to deal with that emotional pain and just say hey even if I came back I'm going to do this again I'm going to hurt her in the same way I'm going to hurt him in the same way so it's better I just
learn this lesson and go find someone else that is possible but a lot of times what the avoidant will do is they will try to reconnect with you in some way whether if it's his friends whether it's just oh let's you know I thought about you how's your you know how's your family or just checking back in most times they will use an excuse to kind of circle back into your life but remember you have to maintain strong boundaries of what you will and will not accept again this is easier said than done but it's
something that you need to do and something you need to think about so if you haven't already please do me a favor like this video subscribe to the channel so you don't miss any of the future videos that I put out um also I want to say thank you for watching I really do appreciate it it means a lot and I will be putting out more videos for you shortly and we're going to make some changes to the channel so I might touch on other topics and stuff but I just want to say thank you
for watching if you're going through a lot right now I want to say hang in there be strong lean on your friends family reach out to those people get into your hobbies do something to make you feel better in the moment and it will be better and anyway thanks again for watching I'll catch you in the next video peace
