sometimes before I walk on stage my girlfriend may have a good show break a leg this was she said to me a few weeks ago right before I walked on stage she goes hey you ever worry about getting shot when you're out there like what the hell is wrong with you [Applause] impression I like to call anybody whoever wins an Oscar at the Academy Awards and there's stupid acceptance speech oh my goodness I can't believe that I won I hope so nervous I'd like to start off by thanking God for making this all possible and
I'd like to thank my beautiful wife for standing by me for all those years thanks honey we did it I think my times going oh I just can't believe I won what do you mean you can't believe you won you had an aisle seat all right that's it I mean nobody's ever seen this at the Academy Awards this year the winner is it's Daniel Tosh [Music] [Applause] one but times already up I was in the back let me just do my little speech I don't like to start off by thinking l ron hubbard for making
this all possible I'd like to thank my beautiful wife for standing by me for all those years like say my girlfriend for keeping everything on the down-low unlike the Senate shoutout to Tamika or saunder with them they have a show on MTV that I can't stand cribs you ever watch cribs yeah that show should be called want to feel like a failure little bow-wow has an S series that's not right I'll tell you what though if I ever get really famous I promise you the greatest cribs episode of all time oh you can trust me
on this one I'm gonna hire Universal Studios to come over to my house build an extension of caves and corridors that go for my bedroom to the bathroom that way every night when I wake up to go pee the adventure begins so I wake up right I'm like scared and nervous and I have to go and the camera crews following me and I'm like ooh and I hire Vin Diesel to hide and jump out and scare me and swordfight me and he's like prepare to die and I'm like calm down you over actor I'm paying
you to lose and he's like oh and then I killed him and there's a princess tied up and she's like thank you I've been here for so long my no time for talk you got a tinkle let's run we start going the walls start closing in yeah there's doors going down and rocks everywhere we have to go across an old rope bridge but halfway across the rope bridge the bottom one sets on fire and it snaps and she falls but I got her with one arm yeah I can feel her slipping but she's looking up
at me going I'll never stop loving you close-up on mines and a close-up on her eyes and a close-up on my's quote like then then she falls like a racehorse back up on the rope I get to the bathroom I pull my pajamas down because I sit down and pee like a girl and I'm at my house it's my house I feel more comfortable that way don't judge me the Bible says not to but as soon as I sit down a hologram of my dad pop something is like Daniel does your father make sure you
look behind the shower curtain before you too late a dragon comes from behind the shower / yeah it's gonna spray me with fire but I ripped the medicine-cabinet off right near changing kills the dragon then I go the bathroom I go back to bed no one even knows I added these extensions onto my house it's top secret my maid comes running in I'm like oh he'll get it was nothing now get back to your quarters and she's like mmm then I roll over and stare at the camera crew and I go and the camera goes
back on the Vin Diesel's body close-up on his face and then his eyes open oh did you get chills yeah let's see P Diddy top that crib am I the only person in hopes David Beckham has sex with Brad Pitt I don't know who's in charge of casting in Hollywood but make it happen before one of them is out of their prime can you imagine those two men together making love oh if there's a man in here that's junk doesn't wiggle just a little bit at the thought of those two men together this has nothing
to do with your homophobic sexual preference at that level its art you monkey okay you should be honored that you share the same restroom with those Greek gods can you imagine if they had a child Oh who's that Simba what the was that Simba that's the Beckham Pitt kid that's Pitt come the most beautiful child the world has ever seen hit your baby Jesus with better ABS that's a good-looking baby if they had a baby Abercrombie store they'd hire him to work the front door right just stand there shirtless propped up he can't stand yet
just leaning against the wall big poster big poster of himself just standing a little tight pampers and you'd walk in anybody I don't want to say this but I want to that baby that baby if I had three wishes who's gonna be to that baby and one would be for more wishes well you can't do that then I want to the baby a third time I would like to use all three wishes banging that baby go ahead dumb people be offended by a joke that doesn't have a plausible premise I'd love to read your email
I've felt you went over the line a bit when you theoretically wanted to fornicate with a mythical child gave a commencement speech recently to high school and that didn't go well at all bunch of high school kids parents that are proud of them and I'm belittling the entire thing and the administration got really upset with me that oh we didn't know you weren't gonna take it seriously to which I replied really you thought this was where I was gonna get serious high school how did you do it no I refuse to give that generic speech
as I look out here I see future lawyers and doctors I gave the real speech there's felons here some of you will die in a DUI accident tonight I'm sorry explain to me why a dose of reality before Community College is a bad thing because I certainly don't need to pander to the 1% they don't need my little pep rally they're gonna be just fine nobody's been a pile of their entire life then turned it around because the commencement address excuse me then I just play so you're saying I can be anything oh yeah that
sounds way better than what I was gonna do I like this guy don't you love it when people in school like I'm a bad test taker you mean you're stupid only struggle with that part where we find out what you know I can totally relate Steve because I'm a brilliant painter - my god awful brush strokes oh how the masterpieces crystal up here but once pain hits canvas I develop Parkinson's I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter here this evening I assume your best work is in the am probably gets a bit abstract by noon
hang in there it gets worse has enough time passed in this country that we can openly and honestly talk about the great things Osama bin Laden did for us and don't act like you didn't do anything good how about the fact that we immediately know September is nine that's not nothing that's not enough do you remember what you used to do January February 9 honey it's 9 I use it for August 9 11 -1 8 how about the fact that every time you take your wife or your girlfriend the airport you no longer have to
walk her all the way to the gate yeah maybe next time you do a drop-off you get my quick thanks Osama hope you're enjoying that good young tight stuff they hand out up there are we okay with mocking his beliefs I did that joke in Utah and they laughed like that's the crazy religion those stupid Muslims they only have one heaven and believe Mormons have three have never read their plates some are you too young to remember pre 9/11 Airport drop-offs but they were the worst your girlfriend's like you to give me right at the
airport and you're like yeah I'd love to because there's never been a service invented that would take you to the airport what time's your flight 4:15 a.m. perfect now is going to get up at 2:00 anyway so that works out no you know me two o'clock rolls around my body's like start your day it's - then you're driving the airport say you're gonna come inside yeah why wouldn't I parking they're so convenient besides like to start every day with the 2-mile stress field sprint walk oh your flights delayed an hour and a half perfect I'll
get a Cinnabon get diabetes before you take off do you remember some guys wouldn't even leave after they boarded they would just stand at a window waving in a machine backing up because they were so happy to finally be alone now what do you get to do thanks to Osama barely slowed down and kick them to the curb yeah I don't know about you but I say that's worth a tower not to not to not to whoa that was close no no rightfully so I thought he meant both of them he didn't he only meant
one he cleared it up which one does it matter to my uncle there you go now everyone's offended if I can take out a quick moment to be sincere and then I'll go back to being an know that I appreciate this this isn't lost on me I didn't have dreams of grandeur getting into comedy it's overwhelming thank you for coming out I know that eventually this will come to a crashing halt I'm not gonna stop saying awful things eventually I'll say the one thing words like there goes his career Wow he thought you could say
that huh I actually wrote a career suicide note which I do hear it dear Jews that's all I've got so far but right right now people that old he's doing it here we go god this started out strong thank you very much good night [Applause]
