I'm Dr Orion Teraban and this is Psychax Better Living Through Psychology and the topic of today's short talk is the core of respect. This is an episode for the ladies. Ladies, I'm going to help you to respect the men with whom you want to be in relationships.
This is extremely important. I cannot overstate this. As I discussed in my series on how to get any man you want, the unbreakable rule is you can't ever, ever, ever disrespect the man you want to be in a relationship with.
And unfortunately, many of you disrespect men in unconscious and unintentional ways, which all but lock you out of the relationships that you tell me that you want to have. Remember, the most toxic relationship belief is that you are free to be yourself. I know it's a bitter pill.
Just like you can't reasonably expect to be yourself, warts and all, and keep your job, you can't reasonably expect to be yourself through and through, and keep your relationship. However, rather than talk about the negative aspect of this concept today, that is disrespect, we're going to devote some attention to the positive aspect and discuss how to effectively demonstrate respect for a man. It turns out that men and women are different.
When it comes to a man, it is more important for him to feel respected than to feel loved. I'll say that again. When it comes to a man, it's more important for him to feel respected than to feel loved.
There's some empirical evidence to back up his position, but it definitely fits with my own personal and professional experience. Now, it's very easy to conflate these two things. They're both positive goods, and of course, men also want to feel loved, and women also want to feel respected.
So, aren't we really talking about the same thing? No. Um, no, we're not.
Respect and love are very different and it's actually fairly easy to demonstrate this to it which you can respect someone that you don't love and you can love someone that you don't respect. For instance, a general can have a good deal of respect for his enemy's ability but still desire to annihilate him in battle. And it's very difficult to love someone you want to destroy.
By the same token, a person can love a child like an infant baby and not respect her ability to do well, anything. It's like it's very difficult to respect a muing mess. Make sense?
So, what actually constitutes the difference between these two goods? Well, they seem to feel different to the person experiencing them. However, that isn't a very reliable discriminatory metric when it comes to differentiating the two from an outside perspective.
So, we'll need a behavioral indicator. And I've got just the thing. Some of you are not going to like this, but the core of respect, the behavior that indicates that a person is being respectful is obedience.
Obedience is the essence of respect. If you have obedience, you have respect. If you don't have obedience, you don't have respect, irrespective of what other positive goods might be present.
Let's examine this further. I understand that the word obedience is a loaded word in today's day and age, especially among women. However, I honestly can't think of a better word to describe what I'm getting at.
This reactance also suggests that obedience might be worth considering more deeply. After all, if you're searching for something like say a peaceful and stable long-term relationship and you haven't found it yet, then you have to look for it in places that you haven't searched before. And there don't seem to be many women who are actively exploring this interpersonal territory.
Let's approach this from a less threatening perspective. First, let's imagine there is a cafe in town that you absolutely love. The coffee is delicious, the vibes are right, and you tell all your friends about what a wonderful place it is.
However, let's also imagine that because you know that they know that you are a regular customer and an ardent supporter, you believe that you can impose your own standard of behavior over and above the rules of that particular establishment or the expectations of social convention. Maybe you talk loudly on a personal phone call or put your purse on a seat that another customer could use or expect a free refill on your drink or generally overstay your welcome. Despite your outspoken support for the establishment, I doubt the staff will feel respected by your business.
This is because you've effectively decided for yourself which rules you need to follow and which rules you don't which is an attitude of implied superiority. It is arrogant and it is entitled. The best you can possibly hope for in such a situation is to be tolerated by the staff.
And this is actually very important for women to understand. If you want to be loved, then you kind of have to be lovable. Right?
Rude and entitled customers are not loved. They are tolerated if that. So now you understand why obedience is so important in relationships.
It gives men what they need, respect. And it makes m it makes it much more likely that women will get what they want, love. Expecting to be loved without being lovable is kind of like expecting to receive excellent customer service while acting like a Karen.
Good luck with that. If you appreciate the insights on this channel, I would highly encourage you to get your hands on a copy of my book, The Value of Others. Over the course of 432 pages, I delve deep into my economic model of relationships and explain the behavior of both men and women in the game of mating and dating.
I also provide a lot of actionable advice on how to get and keep more of what you want in the sexual marketplace. Once you read The Value of Others, you'll never look at relationships the same way again. Now available in ebook, audiobook, and paperback formats.
The links are in the description. Now, on the other hand, let's say that you decide to abide by the caf's rules, but that you grumble about doing so the entire time. Your grumbling suggests that you do not like the rules, but your obedience indicates that you respect them.
Not only that, but the staff will likely feel more kindly disposed toward you for your begrudging compliance than for your enthusiastic disobedience. And the reason why you would choose to comply with rules you do not like or agree with should be obvious. Namely, you fear losing access to your favorite cafe.
As I've discussed previously, fear is the basis of respect. And when it comes to love, the most feared outcome is not some form of positive punishment, nothing punitive. It's the removal of access to the loved object.
It's not fire or brimstone that makes hell hell. It's the inaccessibility of God. In any case, when it comes to interexual relationships, it is impossible to simultaneously respect a man and disobey him.
You can do one or the other, but not both. And it is better to begrudgingly respect him than it is to enthusiastically disobey him. Though of course it would be best for all involved to enthusiastically respect him.
Got me? Okay. Now allow me to quickly attend to the most common objections to this line of reasoning.
The first is fairly predictable. Namely, why does the woman have to obey the man? Why can't the man obey the woman?
Or why don't they both obey each other? Well, to be totally transparent, I don't think this duty inherently falls down gendered lines. As I've said before, I don't think that men deserve respect simply because of their sex.
What I am saying is that respect is due to the one who controls the frame of the relationship and that for relationships to be successful in the long term, it is best for the man to control the frame. Consider my example from earlier. Why does the customer obey the caf's rules and not the other way around?
Simple. Because the customer chose to enter into the cafe. If she wants to partake of the cafe's coffee and ambiance, then she has to abide by the cafe's rules.
Otherwise, she should just stay at home. The proprietor went through the trouble and expense of creating the cafe. So his rules take precedence.
All the customer had to do was show up with a few dollars. So to use the metaphor from my book, in this case, the proprietor is the captain and the customer is the passenger irrespective of their genders. That is, if the proprietor were a woman and the customer were a man, we would still expect the customer to respect the cafe's rules.
It's not about men and women. It's about captains and passengers, about those who maintain the frame and those who enter into it. While both men and women can be captains, when it comes to interexual relationships, it's typically best for the man to be the captain and the woman to be the passenger.
As I've argued elsewhere, this facilitates both initial attraction and long-term maintenance. And if this is true, it would mean the woman is generally entering into the man's frame, which as we've already discussed is the legitimate basis for the expectation of obedience. Which leaves the second objection.
What if my man is wrong? What if I know better than he does? Do I still have an obligation to comply?
Well, kind of. Kind of you do. And here's why.
The only surefire way to prove that someone is wrong is by following their direction. If you decide ahead of time that they're wrong, which is called contempt prior to investigation, or if you cherrypick the parts that you like from the parts that you don't, then you've added some uncontrolled variables into the equation. That is, if the desired outcome is not obtained, we can no longer tell to what extent that was due to bad direction or to non-compliance.
For better or worse, the best way to prove that someone is wrong is to do exactly what they tell you to do and for it to not work. Otherwise, we won't know if it's his direction or your judgment that is at fault. No one likes to hear this, but as a doctor and a teacher, it's the truth.
You can't argue that my protocol is ineffective if you don't follow it, right? And if you already knew how to solve your problem, why are you coming to me? I didn't hunt you down.
Understand? Ultimately, ladies, you can't compensate a lack of obedience with love. It doesn't work that way.
So, if you truly honestly, for whatever reason, can't bring yourself to respect the man you're with, which I can understand. I wouldn't want to follow a fool, then go find one you can respect. that's best for everyone involved.
What do you think? Does this fit with your own experience? Let me know in the comments below.
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Anyone looking to join my free weekly newsletter for which I write original content or book a paid one-on-one consultation with yours truly can find out more on my website. There's also my book, which I alluded to earlier, The Value of Others, where I explore my in-depth model of interexual relationships, and my private member community, The Captain's Quarters, where I host bimonthly group consultation calls and Q&A with invited guests from all over the internet. A lot of great value there.
Check it out. Links to everything are in the description below. As always, I appreciate your support and thank you for listening.
