at one point near the end of Brave New World Sam Wilson uses Captain America's shield ant-man's helmet and Falcon's Wings made from black panthers vibranium to fight a not so incredible Red Hulk and so for the purposes of this review I'm going to refer to him as Captain black an Falcon man from now on partly because there's only ever going to be one Captain America for me and that's Steve Rogers but mostly because I can't think of a more fitting metaphor for what this movie is a jumbled mishmash of different ideas and story lines ripped
off from other better Marvel characters and films a movie that's clearly been hacked to pieces and reassembled more times than Frankenstein's monster complete with all the boring played out tropes you'd expect from an MCU that's been drifting rudderless for the past 5 years a bunch of characters and subplots that go absolutely nowhere and that doesn't seem to know what it is and more importantly why it even exists and having spent two hours slogging my way through it I can't really tell you either in short Captain black can't Falcon man Brave New World Is everything we
feared it would be a blo overblown inconsistent mess anyway I don't want to have to waste any more time talking about this than I have to so without further Ado let's get it over quickly the movie centers around the fight for control of the celestial that exploded out of the Indian Ocean in the eternals I mean it's only taken them like 5 years to address this gigantic plot hole but whatever better late than never I guess anyway because the celestials body contains enormous reserves of adamantium a mineral which is even more Invincible than vibranium oh
does someone not have a monopoly on the world's most valuable resource now pass me the world's smallest [ __ ] violin there's now a bit of a gold rush to claim ownership of it spearheaded by General Ross who's now been promoted to president of the United States his goal is to sign an agreement with Japan to share access to the celestial and the two countries are close to making a deal unfortunately it all go tits up during a White House dinner when Isaiah Bradley gets an attack of the Galloping crazies and tries to assassinate him
only to forget the whole thing after he's captured Captain black an Falcon man believes that he was mind controlled into attacking Ross and he's determined to clear his name so he begins his own investigation that soon leads him to a classified black site where he conveniently runs into giant brain man a test subject exposed to gamma radiation that caused him to get super smart which Ross then exploited for his own personal gain oh yeah and this small child shows up for like 5 minutes to give us the obligatory girl boss moment and then basically does
nothing for the rest of the movie you've often heard me joke about petite actresses beating the [ __ ] out of guys twice their size but in this case it's literally true if she's more than 5T tall and weighs more than 90 I would be [ __ ] shocked but don't worry I'll talk more about her later believe that anyway giant brain man engineered the whole thing to provoke a war between America and Japan and with the two of opposing battle fleets closing in on the celestial Captain black ant Falcon man races to the scene
to stop them Jesus as if Japan would even think about challenging the US military for control of anything so Captain black ant Falcon man is able to diffuse the situation by strategically kicking missiles out of the air and then everyone goes home and Ross gives a speech to celebrate but then it turns out that the heart attack pills he's been taking the whole movie are actually gamma radiation pills Which Giant brain man uses to turn him into Red Hulk right and yes I'm being absolutely serious with this then there's a bit of a fight which
destroys the White House and Captain black an Falcon man asks him to stop being the Hulk because the writers couldn't think of any other way to get out of it so he turns back into Harrison Ford and then everyone goes home and that's it that's the plot for Captain black an Falcon man Brave New worlds you know when I think about the tortuous production process this movie had all the rewrites and reshoots that it went through it's actually hard to imagine what Brave New World even started out as I mean the overall tone is vaguely
in line with Winter Soldier there was clearly an attempt to ground it in something resembling reality with all the government conspiracies classified projects Black Ops missions and the looming threat of global war the problem is it also has to work in ridiculous [ __ ] like the continent siiz celestial sticking out of the ocean and the Red Hulk and those elements go together about as well as intersectional feminism and reason logic and personal accountability you can't take the themes and emotional tone of the eternals and Winter Soldier and mash them together in one movie and
expect it to make sense and as always the devil is definitely in the detail here first up there's the antagonist instead of an understandable villain trying to bring about world peace by eliminating everyone who could oppose his agenda furthering the movie's central theme of security versus freedom in Winter Soldier we've instead got just another generic super villain out for Revenge his motives and ultimate goals are as Bare Bones as the withered husk that was once Ariana Grande and as much as we're constantly told that he's some genius biological computer who knows what you're going to
do weeks before you do it his actions in the movie absolutely don't bear this out he's constantly proven wrong and outsmarted by Captain black ant Falcon man and by the end of the film he just kind of gives up and calls it a day again the Maxim that a character is only as smart as their writer remains Undefeated by all accounts Not only was this film reshot multiple times but the runtime was also drastically cut back at the 11th Hour which probably explains why characters like giant brainman get so little development it's all been left
on The Cutting Room floor it's the same story with Jan Carlo Esposito who the trailers played up as some criminal mastermind that was going to test Captain black an Falcon man to his limits in reality he's just a basic [ __ ] hired gun who appears in like three scenes and watching a not particularly fit man in his mid-60s trying to hold his own in a fight against Anthony Mackey just made me feel embarrassed for both actors Macky himself does his best with the wildly inconsistent material he's got to work with his basic character Arc
is similar to Falcon and the Winter Soldier a man conflicted about who he's working for and unsure about whether he's the right guy for the job in the hands of better writers and assuming it hadn't already been done in a TV show already the story of a successor strug to fill the hole left by a legendary hero and find his own path forward might have made for a decent character Arc here though it just feels forced and repetitive trying to manufacture a character conflict that's already been resolved and loading him down with ridiculous levels of
technology that can do almost anything it makes him feel more like Iron Man than Captain America like if you're going to turn him into something that doesn't even vaguely resemble the hero he's replacing then why even call him Captain America in the first place then there's the small child pretending to be a secret agent whose name I totally forget because it's only mentioned like once in passing a character who I guess once had a much bigger role in this film kind of like Natasha in Winter Soldier only definitely not as HS but as it stands
I've got no idea how I'm supposed to feel about her because there's really nothing to like or dislike here she barely even has any dialogue never mind a personality or character Arc and if I was a cynical man I'd say that her Israeli background might have had something to do with it likewise the totally implausible David and Goliath war between America and Japan when China would have been a much more plausible rival but then again we wouldn't want to offend one of Disney's biggest potential markets now would we and I guess that's the fundamental problem
when your storytelling philosophy is basically let's push whatever ideas are current safe focus group tested and politically correct sometimes the culture and the politics shift quicker than your films can catch up to them and the more you scramble to rewrite and reshape them the more you hollow out their Artistic integrity until there's basically nothing left and that's what Brave New World really is when you get right down to it an empty shell superficially big and bombastic but with no real meaning or creative intent behind it awkwardly stitched together out of pieces from other more successful
films and feeling like it's got no particular reason to exists I get the impression that nobody's been especially excited for this one in the run-up to release least of all Marvel themselves and now that I've seen it I can definitely understand why do yourself a favor save the ridiculous ticket price and do something more re warding with your time instead like a giant turds anyway that's all I've got for today go away now
