do you want to know how to waste your life and die filled with regrets why am I even asking that of course you do that's what everyone wants the death of Ian ilich is a Nolla by Leo Tolstoy who you might know from the legendary novels war in peace and Anna Corina if you know anything about Russian novelists you know that they love to destroy your soul there is no one more skilled at giving you an existential crisis than a Russian novelist in the 1800s the death of Ian ilich explores what it means to live
life in directly the fear of death the process of dying and how to maximize regret and misery in this video I'll go over the plot so it doesn't matter if you've read the story then I'll share my thoughts on the themes and ideas we start our story in a room full of lawyers they received the news that their coworker Ivan ilich is dead I know you didn't see that one coming did you he was only 45 but he had some incurable illness and they already knew this was coming these men all liked Ian and as
you'd expect they initial reaction is to be sad just kidding these are lawyers in the Russian government bureaucracy their reaction is to think of what shiny new promotions they're going to get now that Ivan is gone someone else is going to get promoted to his position which means everyone below is going to get promoted too isn't that great thanks Ian everyone has a subtle feeling of joy that they were not the ones who died I'm sure we've all had that experience when you hear bad news like someone else gets sick you think briefly for a
Split Second second good thing I'm not the one who got sick there's a stoic exercise related to this called negative visualization where you imagine everything in your life going horribly wrong then you open your eyes and feel more grateful for the life you have now it's a fun exercise you should try it the lawyers realize that to keep up appearances they have to fulfill their obligation of attending the funeral and offering condolences they don't really want to go but you kind of have to otherwise you'll look rude P Ivanovich in particular feels like he has
to go because he's supposed to be one of Ian's closest friends p goes to Ivan's house to visit the body and pay his respects Ivan's wife pres scovia talks to P telling him that he was a true friend of Ivan ilich and pter is like yeah for sure pres scovia takes pter into a separate room to have a talk they talk about Ian's last few days where he was in extreme pain screaming all day long pres scovia emphasizes is how hard it was for her to put up with all of that noise and how much
she's had to endure brovia starts crying it seems like we're having a real genuine moment here but this was really all a fake performance so we could get to the real Point pres scovia wants to know if Peer knows any way to get more money from the government for Ian's death peer does not know any way to do this so the conversation ends pter attends the funeral service leaves as soon as he can and heads straight to game nights with with the boys so who exactly was Ivan ilich what kind of Life did he live
how did he acquire such an amazing group of friends and such a loving wife when he was young Ivan ilich was the pride of his family he did well in law school and was very sociable he was always drawn to High Society people so he adopted their way of life and made friends with them he ate at fancy restaurants and wore the fanciest luxury clothes when he graduated from law school he got a respectable job he eventually got a promotion and had to move to a new Province he enjoyed this new job not because of
the job itself but because of the power it gave him it's not that he wanted to abuse his power and treat people badly on the contrary he enjoyed having power over people then using that power to treat them fairly all while knowing he had the power to crush them he made new Connections in this new town and joined all of the high society circles with the rich nobility and magistrates he had adopted the politics that these people supported and acted the right way to fit in he was living the good life after 2 years in
the new town he met his future wife Pria fedorovna Mikel she was an attractive intelligent girl who was also part of his high society circles he danced with pres scovia sometimes and eventually she fell in love with him Ivan didn't really intend to get married but since he had this girl who loved him he was kind of like well why not getting married is what people are supposed to do right pravia was in the right social class probably had good money and was good enough so he married her both because he liked her and because
the people around him considered it the right thing to do at first Ian thinks marriage is going to be great but then they start having a ton of conflicts Ian realizes that marriage is in fact not improving his quality of life so he begins to spend more time at work to avoid dealing with problems at home after his first child is born and there are more problems to deal with he isolates himself from household issues even more Ian's new attitude to marriage after only a year of it is that to lead a decent life you
need to compartmentalize it and significantly reduce your expectations he now believes the only point of marriage is dinner housekeeping and most importantly the external appearance of looking good in public opinion he only pays attention to things at home when it's pleasurable and good other otherwise if there are problems he Retreats into the world of work and finds his happiness there in addition to work he has dinners with his co-workers and high society friends and plays card games with them as far as Ian is concerned his life is pretty solid and just like that 17 years
of married life passes everything is fine then Ian gets passed over for a promotion he was waiting for gets into arguments with his boss people start treating him more coldly and he is once again passed over in the next round of promotions things start to get bad because Ian and his family have been living above their means and racking up debts he really needs that promotion Ian decides to take things into his own hands by going to Petersburg and trying to hustle his way into a higher paying position he wants a salary of 5,000 and
he's not taking no for an answer he doesn't care what job it is but it needs to be 5,000 somehow this plan actually works and he gets a promotion with a salary of 5,000 and even 3500 for moving expenses Ian finds his dream apartment he does the decorations himself and gets really into it he's excited to surprise his children with how amazing it'll be he buys a bunch of cheap antiques to make the place look more sophisticated he's more excited about decorating the house than doing his actual job one day he climbs a ladder to
show someone how he wants the curtains done and he falls and bumps his side the bruised Place hurts a bit but soon stops it's no big deal really in in fact Ivan feels more alive healthy and cheerful than ever before when he finally finishes decorating both he and his guests say it's quite Charming in reality his apartment has the typical design of someone who isn't rich but wants to look rich he looks just like every other wannabe rich person but to him it seems great and his family is surprised and happy when they see it
so the family starts living their new life here and it's nice it still feels like there's a room missing and things would be better if they had just a little bit more money but it's still good for now after work he reads books or plays cards with friends but his favorite thing is having small dinners with high society people he has an argument with his wife after one of these events because she wanted to organize the cakes herself but Ivan insisted on buying everything from an expensive luxury pastry shop and they ended up with a
ton of expensive leftovers but the party was great the highest status people in society were there and thean even got to dance with a famous princess Ian his wife and his daughter push away anyone who doesn't have the right social status and soon they are surrounded by only the best of the best a really rich guy starts dating their daughter and everything is great one day Ian starts feeling some discomfort on the side of his stomach the discomfort gets worse and starts affecting his life leading to more fights with his wife eventually he goes to
a doctor who tells him a lot of vague stuff Ian asks him if it's dangerous or not but the doctor won't give him a straight answer the doctor says maybe it's a floating kidney or an appendix problem more analysis is needed from all the vague statements Ivan concludes that things are actually bad he tells his wife about the doctor visit but she doesn't really care or take it seriously Ian's main focus now becomes taking his medicine paying attention to his body and learning about other people's illness and health at first he finds comfort in following
the doctor's orders and he tries Tri to convince himself that he's getting better but the pain isn't going down at all whenever he has a setback at work or with his wife or in a card game he feels the pain even more he continues Consulting doctors and things continue getting worse every day all the doctors are saying different things and confusing him even more he tries a bunch of treatments but none of it is working he decides to just choose one doctor and go all in on their plan but the pain keeps getting worse The
Taste in his mouth gets worse his appetite and strength are decreasing Ian realizes that he's dying and the worst part of it is that nobody around him understands or wants to understand his wife and daughter are living their lives as if nothing has changed it's as if they're mad at him for being such an annoyance to their Pleasant lives his wife rationalizes her Detachment by blaming everything on Ian saying he's not following the treatment properly and his diet is all wrong and really he's just causing problems for her at work people are in his position
and even joking about his health he feels incredibly Alone 2 months later Ian's brother-in-law comes to visit and when he sees Ian he's shocked Ian tries to get him to explain this reaction but he doesn't when Ian's wife comes home she and her brother talk separately and he basically says what the heck is going on here are you all crazy do you not see that this guy is literally dying how are you not doing something about this pres scovia says nobody knows what's wrong and and all the doctors have different ideas Ivan looks at himself
in the mirror and Compares what he sees to one of his portraits he can see the huge change he decides to go see yet another doctor because that's working out so well for him the doctor tells him that he just needs to fix a small thing in his appendix and he'll be good to go he lays down in his bed and imagines his appendix being fixed like yeah Evan I'm sure if you manifest hard enough all your problems will be solved he takes his medicine feels like are getting better and then the pain comes back
in full force he finally accepts that this isn't about his kidney or appendix and that he's already in the process of dying it's only a question of how many months or days he has left he struggles to accept his impending doom the people outside his room playing games are also going to die even if they have a bit longer and yet there they are having a good time what fools they must be this part reminds me of the Buddha's origin story where he's been living a shelter Ed life hidden away from any suffering then he
sees a dead person for the first time and it blows his mind when he goes back to his house where they're partying he's just like that Meme with the guy in the corner drinking he's like how are these people enjoying a party when they're going to end up dead one day are they stupid Ian continues to struggle to accept his impending death it makes sense that people in general have to die but it doesn't make sense that he in particular has to die in the Indian epic the mahabarata there's a scene where five brothers go
one by one to a lake of water and a voice says wait answer my questions before you drink the water and the first four of them ignore the voice drink the water and die the last one actually talks to the voice and says you'll answer the questions The Voice asks a lot of things but the relevant one here is of all things in life what is the most amazing and the answer is that a man seeing others die all around him never thinks that he will die Ian tries to distract himself like he always has
but it isn't working he tries focusing on work and he goes to run some proceedings but then the pain flares up and he makes mistakes the pain is too strong to ignore it's like the Grim Reaper is standing before him constantly reminding him of its presence work can no longer Shield him from his problems he tries to find other things to Shield him but nothing works death is there waiting for him and he can't stop seeing it he goes into the drawing room the place where he fell and got the bruise that caused this illness
and he laughs B at how he basically sacrificed his life to arrange this room he sees tiny scratches and blemishes in the room gets angry and tries to fix things we're 3 months into Ian's illness and there's an unspoken agreement that everyone's just waiting for him to die painkillers don't really help he hates the special diet he has to follow he hates that he can't go to the bathroom alone the one Saving Grace is gism one of his servants gism is a young peasant who is bright and cheerful Ivan is an good mood with him
and tries to keep him around he feels better when gasim holds his legs up so he asks gasim to sit and stay with him while holding his legs up and they have a conversation after that he would sometimes summon grisim to hold his legs and chat and gasim always did it willingly and with kindness Ian's biggest torment is the lie that everyone is participating in that he's simply ill and not dying and once he gets treated everything will be fine he knows he's dead no matter what and he knows that they know it too but
everyone wants to keep up appearances and lie about it and they force him to participate in the lie too this is the same way he's treated all the issues with his family in the past he's lived his whole life caring only about external appearances he's lived his whole life around the fakest people in society and now that he's faced with the realest thing there is he sees all the fakeness that he's accumulated around him and he hates it the other thing tormenting him besides the big lie is is that no one pies him like he
wants he wants to be treated like a sick child to be kissed wept over and comforted the only one who understands his situation and pies him is gism this random peasant guy has no appearances to maintain so he's just dealing with reality as it is he's the only one who acknowledges the truth of the situation and shows respect and pity gasim sometimes stays up all night holding Ian's legs up and goes the extra mile to treat a dying man with proper care all the days are blending into one another the pain continues he's scared to
look at his body in the mirror he hates being alone but having others there also sucks a doctor comes to visit and Ian is annoyed at him for being yet another liar who doesn't acknowledge the truth of the situation the doctor goes through the performance of measuring a bunch of things that don't matter his wife comes in and kisses him and he really really hates her fakeness she continues her attitude of victim blaming it's his fault that he's sick and he doesn't take any of his medicine and doesn't do anything he's supposed to pravia tells
Ian that she invited a famous doctor to come examine him and consult with his usual doctor Ivan is annoyed at just how deep these people are going to maintain appearances and keep the lie alive the famous doctor when asked if there's any possibility of recovery says well I can't really say that but you know anything is possible this little glimpse of Hope boosts Ian's Spirits for a bit his wife is going out to a play to see a famous actress and stops off in his room before leaving she asks him about his health and such
but she doesn't actually care what he says it's all just for appearances his daughter and her boyfriend also come in his daughter has an attitude of annoyance with him and his suffering for interfering with her happy life if you recall that's the exact same attitude that Ian had to his family members when they had problems his young son vasia comes in and gives him a look that lets him know vasia actually understands the situation and pies him he's the only one who understands besides Garrison Ian lays in bed and cries over his helplessness and loneliness
and the cruelty of people and God he reflects on his life and begins thinking about the best moments but something seems wrong because those moments don't seem that great now that he's reflecting on them everything seems off except his childhood the childhood memories are actually pleasant but but the further from childhood and closer to the present the more worthless the joys seem what exactly did he spend all these years on an arbitrary marriage all this focus on work and making more money to increase his social standing it was as if he was going downhill the
whole time while imagining he was going up in public opinion he was going uphill while really his life was slipping away then he thinks the most dangerous thought maybe he didn't live life correctly but that's impossible he did everything that a person is supposed to do in society so it must have been correct 2 weeks later Ivan is now bedridden suffering alone he just wants to understand why he's suffering if he could say that he didn't live life correctly then everything would be explained but he can't admit that because he's lived a perfectly legitimate and
decent life so there's no explanation Ian's daughter is now engaged and Ivan's wife wants to announce it to him but doesn't know how she goes to his room starts talking about medicines and he looks at her with so much Spite and hatred that she stops talking he tells her to just let him die in peace his daughter comes in to greet him and he looks at her with the same look when she asks about his health he tells her that soon they will all be free of him and then they get quiet and eventually leave
the doctor comes in and gets the same look Evan tells him that he's useless and should get out Ian finally acknowledges that he might not have lived life correctly he ignored his own heart and intuition to copy the high status people and it occurs to him that his own intuition might have been a better way to live his work his home his family and his social connections might have all been wrong he tries to defend it but feels the weakness of all of it there's nothing to defend he reflects in his whole life with A
New Perspective the next time he sees his wife daughter and doctor he sees himself in them and sees all of the fakeness that he lived by and how terrible it was and this increases his physical suffering they bring in a priest so he can take communion and get on good terms with God before he dies the next 3 days he's in Endless pain screaming all day the end is near and he knows it his son comes into his room quietly and his hand lands on his son's head his son takes his hand kisses it and
cries Ivan sees light he opens his eyes and looks at his son he feels sorry for him his wife comes in with a look of Despair with tears on her face and he feels sorry for her suddenly everything is resolved inside of him he has a brief moment of Enlightenment where he acknowledges his pain and doesn't fear death anymore then he dies one thing that stands out to me is that Ivan ilich doesn't have a single real friend he has a lot of acquaintances and social connections he has a lot of social events filled with
high status people but he doesn't have a friend there is no one who actually cares about him when he dies his co-workers react by calculating how much more money they're going to make with their incoming promotions P who is supposed to be one of his best friends only visits his house to pay respects out of obligation not because he cares everyone goes through the motions of mourning but no one actually cares that he's dead Ian really just needed a hug but there was no one to hug him he basically achieves Enlightenment when his son kisses
his hand as if the only thing he was missing the entire ire time was a little bit of physical connection this is probably why he's so happy when grisim holds his legs up if you don't know anyone who really cares about you if all your friends are friends of circumstance only there because you happen to be in the same Social Circles if all you have our surface level connections if there's no one who would give you a hug when you need one then you should fix that don't be like Ian he has no one to
be vulnerable with so he suffers alone and all of those fake connections that he Wast wasted his life on makes the pain even worse instead of making a real connection with his family at home he ignores them he isn't willing to accept that relationships require actual work so he leaves at the first sign of trouble and goes into his own world he might have actually been able to have a good relationship with his family but since he treats them as an obstacle to his Pleasant life it's no surprise that when he becomes a burden they
treat him like an obstacle to their Pleasant life relationships aren't easy there will be conflict and problems but if you run at the first sign of trouble you will only ever make the shallowest Connections in the nicomaki ethics Aristotle talks about the importance of finding the right kind of friends According to Aristotle there are three different kinds of friendship friendships of utility friendships of pleasure and complete friendships a friendship of utility is when the main focus is practical benefits to the people involved this person can help you get something and you can help them get
something it's a purely transactional friendship a friendship of pleasure is someone who's there to make you feel good as long as they're fun to be around you spend time with them but whenever they have problems and aren't fun to be around you avoid them Ian ilich had friends of utility and pleasure he's always talking about doing things because they are Pleasant there's no one who he'll stick with through bad times if someone stops being Pleasant to be around he'll cut them out he's only in it for what he can get he seeks external friendship to
escape his inner problems s a complete friendship is an unconditional friendship that lasts a lifetime it's a true ride or die homie it's someone you want the best for for their own sake you'll stick with them through good times and bad and they'll stick with you these are the real ones that are so rare but more valuable than anything if you don't have friends like this then it's worth working pretty hard to meet more people and invest in deep connections until you find these people Ian spends his life looking for happiness in external things he
wants to be in the right Social Circles buy the right clothes and eat at the right places to be seen as a high status man he wants his house to look like a rich Noble household all he ever needs is a little bit more money and social status and then he'll have the perfect life Ian spends all his time seeking happiness in external things his joy in work doesn't come from the internal Joy of doing something you're passionate about but from the external Joy of having power over other people Ian's happiness is entirely dependent on
how other people view him on being treated a certain way on his salary and his social connections these are all things that are outside of his control he could get fired at any moment his high society friends could abandon him the stoic philosopher epicus would call someone like this a slave Ivan doesn't have control over his own mental well-being he's placed it in the hands of others epic tus talks about how you shouldn't be attached to external things like wealth and status because those things are not up to you making your happiness dependent on things
that are not fully in your control is setting yourself up for disappointment a core idea in stoicism is that you should only worry about things that you can control and stop caring about things you can't control by making your happiness dependent on external things like other people's opinions of you you're making yourself a slave to other people if random strangers can influence your mental state then you don't have true happiness the way to waste your time in the late 1900s in Russia was career climbing and social climbing the main version of wasting time these days
is scrolling Tik Tok and watching Netflix all day you can imagine the modern man sitting on their deathbed like Ivan ilich and realizing that they spent half their life scrolling social media and didn't live correctly at all people say that life is short but in on the shortness of Life stoic philosopher senica says that life is actually long enough to achieve our wildest dreams it only feels short because we waste most of it if this was true in ancient Rome then it's infinitely more true now as the famous philosopher Drew Gooden once said everybody wants
to waste your time so you have to fight 10 times harder these days to defend yourself from distractions it's always ironic for someone in a YouTube video to talk about how you shouldn't waste your time but you know my videos aren't a waste of time so you should keep watching them everything is fine in moderation but if you're staring at screens for hours and not doing the things you really want to be doing then that's a problem and you should fix it you're never getting that time back and you're going to have to live with
all the accumulated time you've wasted but you still have lots of time ahead of you so it's not too late to start valuing your time there's an article written by a hospice nurse someone who cares for people in their last days where she talks about the top regrets That Dying people have and Ian ilich pretty much checks all the boxes the first is I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself not the life others expected of me Ivan never followed his own intuition he did whatever he thought would get the
approval of high status people he focused only on what others expected the second is I wish I hadn't worked so hard people regretted missing out on their family because of how absorbed they were in work Ian practically threw himself into work to avoid dealing with his family life and in the end he had no connection with the people in his own household the third is I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings Ivan was never vulnerable with anyone so when things got hard he had no one to share his feelings with the fourth
is I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends Ian actively pushes people away if they don't belong to the right Social Circles so he ends up with nothing but shallow relationships Ian probably could have had real friendships if he stayed in touch with people he met when he was younger instead of constantly abandoning people as he moved up the social ladder the last one is I wish that I had let myself be happier people people only realize at the end that happiness is a choice they stay stuck in Old patterns and habits and
don't realize they can change Ian chose to wrap his happiness up in external things like his salary and social status a simple perspective shift could have led to a better mental state and even saved his life even if you live life correctly with no regrets you're still going to die the stoics tell us that we should accept death just like anything else death is a part of nature so there isn't anything wrong with with it or anything to be scared of as Marcus Aurelius writes you've lived as a citizen in a great City 5 years
or 100 what's the difference the laws make no distinction and to be sent away from it not by a tyrant or a dishonest judge but by Nature who first invited you in why is that so terrible like the empresario ringing down the curtain on an actor but I've only gotten through three acts yes this will be a drama in three acts the length fixed by the power that directed your creation and now directs your dissolution neither was yours to determine so make your exit with Grace the same Grace shown to you yeah we're going to
die but be happy that you got to live in the first place the alternative is that you were always in the void but instead you got to step out of the void and experience this world for a little bit if you follow the wisdom of the philosophers and you don't make the mistakes of Ivan ilich then on your deathbed you can be smiling thinking living was the best wasn't it
