you just lost yourself a customer you think i own this business you think i own ikea i'm a part-time employee halfway through a two-week notice i don't give a [ __ ] i'm telling all my friends not to shop here tell them you think i want five other yous running around the store have them call me i'll tell them you think you hate this place more than me i work here i know the sale ended last week but can i still get a discount do you hear yourself we can't go backwards time marches on you
want the sale from 15 years ago too when's it end diane you want that price you're gonna have to go through the quantum realm with ant-man do you know how much money i spend here more than you should the meatballs ain't that good save your money end my time doesn't matter how much you spend here we don't thank our donors this isn't pbs every time i come here my order gets messed up then stop coming make my day every time you come here your order's messed up sounds like you're making the mistake look inward you're
ordering the wrong [ __ ] i'd like to speak to your manager i'd like to speak to your mother tell her she should be embarrassed she raised someone to act like a baby in public you want to speak to the manager please manager doesn't know what's going on haven't you ever worked anywhere before i know that's not right i used to work here well things change sorry they didn't run it by you first you used to work here well i used to be happy then you walked in can you just check in the back can
you just accept we don't have it the back ain't some magical place what do you think is back there santa's workshop the only thing back there is a clipboard with our schedules and some brownies darcy brought in the website said it was in stock and what do your eyes say sometimes it's wrong the website also has pictures of employees smiling you see that should go yell at your computer instead of me it'll get you the same result nothing this is cheaper at other stores then shop there why are you here we need directions i'll get
you some i'll call you an uber cheaper and other stores i don't set the prices i'm a seasonal employee you're working hard or hardly working i'm hardly laughing i'm already at work i don't have time for a second job pretending you're funny why don't you tell me something i don't hear every day like thank you you should open up more registers and who's gonna work them you think i'm the only one ringing you up because i called dibs you want to clone myself you're saying you want to apply well you see we're short-handed where's your
resume i can't believe they have you working thanksgiving i can't believe you're shopping why do you think i'm here it's because of you i have to stand here for 15 hours so you can yell at me instead of your family i work retail i don't even remember what thanksgiving is the customer is always right about what how to piss me off i think you're god because you went shopping you're not infallible susan you're at the mall always right that's why you're on your ninth try hitting the button for credit do you have any coupons for
me that's what i ask you we all have our roles to play well you think you just found a cheat code for the store oh yeah i keep a few hundred percent offs back here for the smart customers bring your own scan must be free and you must be out of your mind to think you're the first person to say that you're not even the first one today don't worry about the scan i'll type in the product code and charge a double i swear i fake laugh at this job so much i forget how my
real one sounds you're open for 10 more minutes i'll be quick quickly moving to the exit this ain't a basketball game we're not playing to the buzzer you had the choice to hold a bunch of minimum wage workers hostage or go shopping tomorrow you chose wrong get out [Music] what's wrong with me do you work here obviously yes how many people you know wear a name tag recreationally you think i'm behind the counter cause i got lost do i work here no i'm just dressed like this because i'm going to the midnight premiere of ikea
the movie hi how are you i'm just looking and i'm just saying hi i'm not trying to sell you something i'm trying to have one interaction at work that makes me feel like a human being i have feelings too i'm a pisces you should smile more you should talk less i had to come to work today there's no rule that said i had to enjoy it i'm a cashier not a rockette you want me to smile we don't always get what we want why do you think i'm here why can't i use the bathroom in
the back you don't work here you want to use it i'll grab you an application here's a better question why are you shopping on the brink of pissing yourself yeah i have to take your [ __ ] i don't have to smell it your pto request was denied then i guess i'm calling in sick you didn't think i had a backup plan you just activated a trap card i don't even know why they call it a request it should be called a pto warning because the only thing you can do is prepare i'm returning this
but i don't have the receipt and i don't have the patience to explain that's exactly what you need a receipt for is this your first time in a store i can't look it up because you paid in cash and bought it six years ago so why don't you return to your car and drive home you own that can i get you anything else how about a million dollars i make minimum wage i don't get paid enough to be the laugh track if you're making this joke congrats you're a dad wearing new balance sneakers and your
family's embarrassed we can't keep smiling through this it's killing us i can talk i'm just getting rung up by a human being i will confiscate that phone like i'm your teacher who are you even talking to i've known you for five seconds i can guarantee no one wants to speak with you now hang up i have to ask you about our rewards program i know you're ringing them up but i need help get in line you ever heard of those stores have had them since 1796. i'm trying to help someone you're screaming in the background
what kind of middle child behavior is this wait your turn i've been a customer here for over 40 years oh good then you'll be dead soon this ain't the oscars there's no lifetime achievement award you're trying to get a discount or a spot in our in memoriam reel you've been shopping here for over 40 years you think you learned one of the policies
