so a frame is kind of the idea of the conversation or you can look at it as the set of underlying assumptions of a conversation that give it its meaning uh and the easiest way to explain frame is probably by example um because it's one of those things people intuitively understand but it is hard to define a little bit like jazz you know I say like uh I don't know what it is but I I know it when I hear it or I can't Define it but I know it when I hear it um or
actually I think that's that's the definition of jazz and also the definition of pornography I I don't know what it is I can't Define it but I know when I see it um same kind of thing with with with frames we understand them so um if you are in a business meeting or say you go to a job interview right um the frame of the job interview dictates how the people are going to interact in that interview it dictates who's in charge it dictates who wants something from whom it dictates the type of content that's
going to fill in that frame um and so when you have that that Mutual understanding you have a certain type of conversation a certain type of of of back and forth exchange whereas if you met the exact same person that is going to give you a job interview if you met him you know in line at Starbucks you might have a very different conversation or if you met him like you know at a a you know company picnic party and you're already have the job um you might have a very different conversation so the context
and the the understanding the shared understanding or you know at the start it might not be shared um but what's what's becoming the understanding of the conversation dictates the the content of that conversation it dictates what everything within that conversation means so that's the idea of a frame all right the idea of a frame is the set of assumptions that you're making about an interaction or a relationship that that dictate the meaning and again the very same action might be very different in in one context or another like for example with with a woman if
you um you know randomly everything's going well and you happen to give her a gift that has one meaning if you happen to be in a fight and you appear to have been in the wrong during that fight and then you give her a gift that gift now is is taken as a completely different thing maybe it's an apology maybe it's a way of kissing up who knows but it's different than if it was was given without that that context around it as an example um same thing with things you say to a woman right
if you are um giving a girl a hard time well under a certain context that may mean you don't like her under another context that might mean you do like her and you're taking the time and energy to pay attention and give her a bit of an emotional roller coaster and be playful with her and that's where flirting comes in so flirting excuse me flirting is the sort of light-hearted exchange that you have with women uh that that sets certain frames so first of all the fact that it is light-hearted and not serious and logical
sets a frame of a friendly emotional connection rather than a logical exchange of facts so that's one of the frames that flirting is setting another big frame that flirting is setting is um the idea that there is a man- tooman component of what's going on so the idea that you bring up a potential dating future or potential sexual future or you're even willing to just reference you know sexual topics or you're willing to say things that are a little bit taboo or not entirely politically correct all of those things are setting a frame and creating
a certain vibe in which um a relationship can grow in which it's safe to interact in a sexual manner back for the girl um in which the girl is experiencing a range of emotions Etc right so um there's a lot of frames um one being the man andw woman frame another being a playful frame and other frames being um who is of value in the conversation who's chasing whom etc etc um but that's the idea of of frames in general and also as it pertains to flirting there's two ways of establishing a frame first of
all the the more typical one that's considered was called reframing which is changing an existing frame to be more favorable for you um and this is things like passing tests for example things like misinterpretation for example um things like if the girl has a particular idea um a societal kind of idea of how the man tooman interaction works you can do things that are kind of St to that and possibly even like like you jarring or throw that off Etc um and and that all works to an extent um in fact it all works to
to Great extent but it's hard um it's a lot harder to change an existing frame than it is to set a frame in the first place so it's much easier and usually much better to go in with your frame pre-established or have an idea of what that frame is and to kind of get there first so if you're the first person in the conversation asserting a frame you're the first person who is um deciding what meaning you'd like to have put on the conversation the other person is in a more difficult spot in terms of
controlling the frame um because if you are actively trying to control the frame if you're actively trying to change the meaning of things and it comes off that you're actively doing or that you you have a plan or an agenda it's less effective the best frame control should be subtle it should appear like it's almost not happening right it should appear almost accidental and so if you are being pushy or forceful in your frame control it's it's going to be less effective um and therefore um it's a lot easier to establish a frame without a
contrary frame to push against it's better to to pre-frame to put it out there in the first place than it is to reframe in terms of ways that you can pre-frame for example um storytelling is an absolutely great one um so if you're telling a story about yourself you are framing yourself within that story by what facts you choose to include what facts you choose to Omit what words you use what the content of the story is what it implies about you how people are treating you within that story etc etc so storytelling is a
great example of of pre-framed Storytelling and that you're you're telling a story as the answer to the question um even if it's just a few words that that those few words are a few words of story right so whenever you're communicating who you are whenever you're communicating your beliefs those kind of things you are setting a frame the other thing that you can do to set a frame which is very important in terms of pre framing is to begin the flirtatious frame as early as possible so if you have half an hour of you know
discussion of excel tables and mathematical formulas that's not going to become flirty and it's going to be a big step to make that flirty later whereas if you are joking around at the start if you are a little more a little less formal with your language a little more willing to to say things that are less politically correct at the start um that's all going to go a long way if you will make some some acknowledgements of the fact that you're a man and she's a woman for example early on that's going to set you
into in a good light and in a good direction uh for future flirtation cuz again pre-f framing is a lot easier than reframing it's not to say reframing can't be done um essentially if your frame is stronger than the other person in the interaction then you are going to largely be successful at reframing um but it's a longer process a tougher process and it's going to feel like something was done the person's going to feel like they got frame controlled nobody likes to feel frame controlled it's much easier when when frame control just happens um
it's also much easier when the frame that you're inviting someone into I notice I said inviting someone into not putting someone into because you can do both but inviting is better um but the frame that you're inviting someone into if it's a good place if it's a fun place a nice place a happy place a place they enjoy being that's going to make it tremendously easier um to set in control frames um there's kind of a couple categories of this one is frames you have for yourself and your view of the world and the other
is frames that you kind of enact on the interaction and I I guess they're the same in a way because if you have it for yourself in the world you should be sort of subtly enacting it on the interaction um but but uh it's it's sort of like an inner game outer game thing or like a selft talk and then manifestation thing so um views that are very helpful in general about yourself are the view that you have value to offer that you are that people like talking to you and that you are um providing
a service or positive when you're having a conversation with someone rather than a negative right um the other views that are usually helpful about yourself are that you are attractive right in one way or another even if you're not like a supermodel um like a male supermodel or whatever uh if you believe that you do have some attractive qualities if you believe you have a great smile if you believe that you're funny if you believe um that you have a good body if you believe etc etc um those are all positive the more positive things
you believe about yourself the better your kind of inherent frame is going to be and and that's going to come through in a lot of subtle ways it's going to come through in terms of the implications you make it's going to come through in terms of the assumptions that you um are allowing yourself to to take um and putting into the conversation Etc um and then there's the frame in terms of how you actually interact with the girl um and there um part of the frame is that well one one example of a good frame
is that um that like sex is normal and natural right if your frame is very anti-sexual or prudish or um very like religiously conservative like let's you know not have sex till marriage Etc that's going to certainly set frames that are not going to help you early on in a relationship with making things more Mand women making them sexual etc etc so um that's one example although funny enough when you talk about religiously conserv that actually can be flipped on its head um I I've known guys who are religiously conservative and they actually use that
as a way of instead of making the interaction nonsexual they make the interaction about the fact that the girl is not going to be able to convince them to have sex due to their religious conservatism um and then the girl actually will chase them often times so even even if that that is a fact of your life there's a way to present it that's likely to actually enhance the flirtatious nature of the conversation and there's a way to present it in a way that would actually detract from the flirtatious nature of the conversation so um
even even regardless of that being an inherent frame you'd think is negative um it's about how it's conveyed and about the story you're telling around it um more so than the actual facts themselves in many many cases um so again um sexual openness usually good um the willingness to talk about or bring sex into the conversation almost universally good um and that would be the kind of the distinction in the previous example I just gave um so that's one example um the other one is the frame of not taking things too seriously um the idea
or the frame that you are self-sufficient that you are enough without the girl and so you don't need her validation you don't need her love and respect you don't need her affection you you'd like it it's fun it's great and and you're you're in favor of it but you don't need it because neediness tends to be very very unattractive so the idea that you are enough and you can take the girl or leave the girl is a very powerful frame to have um on many many levels excuse me both in terms of conveying sort of
that you are attractive and and triggering attraction in her um but also Al in terms of setting up like very good Dynamics in terms of the back and forth and the negotiation of the interaction um another good frame is the frame of um that you're you're there to have fun and have an experience rather than to get an outcome right if if your goal is I want to sleep with this girl to make my me feel better at myself or to run up my lay count or something like that that Vibe is is very it's
it's all about you it's not about her and it's not very win-win um whereas if it's let's have a fun time together and see where it goes that's that's a frame she can get on board with and is a frame you can even explain to the girl or just like even even flat out like quote from so to speak in the conversation and uh the conversation will will will go a lot more smoothly for having had that frame in it another frame that I think is is really effective is the frame of affectionate but not
taking it very seriously which is kind of the frame that you would treat um a a well-loved child or pet in a way um so say for example if there's a like you know a smart precocious like 9-year-old who you're you're just good friends with like maybe you know they're your neighbor's kid or something like that and you you like the kid you you respect him he's cool you love to hang out with him he's he's a good kid but that said he's 9 years old so if he has some view on like some some
view on politics or religion or some deep subject you're going to be like oh that's cool and you'll listen to him you you humor him and he may even make a good point but you're just not taking him quite as seriously as if he was an adult or authority in that area this the same kind of a thing uh with a girl which is that you care about her you want you you love her you want her to have a great time you want her to have a positive experience with you um but end of
the day you believe what you believe you know what you know about the world and it's going to take a lot for her to push your frame not to say that you never can not to say that you'll never be wrong or anything like that and then that's say you should never adjust but your your assumption should be that your frames are probably correct and this actually should be your assumption you know with people in general because your frames hopefully came from somewhere they came from your life experience they came from some deep thought and
understanding and practice and whatnot but the idea is you have a strong frame and you're not going to just automatically shoot down every other frame you're not going to be harsh towards their frame you're not going to be like mean or or belittling or anything like that um but you're also just in Good Humor it's like okay you know Fair Point that's that's cool now here's the truth right um or you're or they're going to say something like oh that's cute that's fun come here I like you and then you're just not even going to
you're not even going to acknowledge it necessarily if it doesn't Bo if it doesn't um Merit acknowledgements all right so um just this idea that that in a positive way in a fun way in a in a caring way you're not as willing to budge on your frame as they are because generally the person who's following the other person's frame is the person that's going to have more sort of control or say or or or they're going to be the leader in the interaction um so having a bit of a a hard frame um is
is very very useful but in a playful way because again no one wants to feel frame controlled what they'd like to do is to have whatever whatever is in their frame that's keeping them from having fun whatever is in their frame that's keeping them from having that amazing experience they'd like to with a guy they'd like to have that replaced at least temporarily with some more fun things that allow them to go ahead and have the experience they'd really like to have without being sludy about it without being you know without it being a problem
for them without it hurting their reputation without them feeling unsafe Etc um so frame frame control really should be like frame leadership or frame like invitation um to have a great experience without negative consequences
