[Music] failure to clarify the husbands and wife role in a relationship is a major cause of marital disruption as a couple when you're married you will be involved in an almost endless number of activities and responsibilities and each one of them demand a decision assignment of tasks in a marriage should not be made simply because of parental example now what i mean by that is you know because your mother did it or your father did it it doesn't mean that you should do it in your marriage because it may not be the best thing they may have done it because of their father's father's father's father's habits but it may not mean it's the best thing for you i will give you an illustration there was a wife who got married young beautiful bride and as they got together in the home uh off the honeymoon and everything you know about the story of how she was getting her to cook her christmas ham and as she began to cook cut the ham she cut it in half and throw one half away and she put the other half in the oven to break her husband watched this very strange ceremony because he paid for the ham and he was trying to figure out why would my wife cut a ham in half and throw a half away and only cook one half and so he asked his wife he says rehab why did you do that and she said well my mom always did this and so he decided i'm gonna call my mother-in-law and find out why she did this and he called his mother-in-law and he asked her why did my wife throw this half of ham away and her mother's told him well that's the way my mother always did it and so no one seemed to be giving him any answer that satisfied him so he called the grandmother and asked her and she was a very very old lady and he went and asked her miss uh why did you always throw half of the ham away and the old lady says well son let me explain it to you years ago uh when we were growing up when i was young a young wife we were very very poor and we did not have the resources to purchase uh a large pan to bake a ham in so in order for me to get the ham to fit in the pan i had to cut it in half because it's the only kind the size of the pan we had and so we would take the other half and throw it away put it on the side and of course we had to throw it away because he couldn't keep because we didn't have any refrigerators in those old days so we can only cook half of the ham and of course that was the grandmother's explanation that's why she would cut the half and the ham in half the half and half well he went back home and of course he had to correct his wife very quickly because they had a pan that was big enough for the ham it was up to date it's now a day if you can afford hopefully a plan that's big enough for him but you see it was tradition something that her mother did that she did not figure out that her grandmother did not know was not important for nowadays and so many people do the same thing with their lives together your father or your mother's way of doing vegans may not be the way you should do it as a matter of fact it may not be even biblical it may simply be accepted as social and credible in society but not necessarily the right way to do it so we should therefore not assign tasks to husband and wife based on perennial example because it is expected of some people they say in the social group that they should do things certain way in our society we have social norms for husband and wife for example the husband takes the garbage out the wife cleans the dishes the husband paints the house the wife fixes the furniture in the house the husband prepares the roof the wife she hangs up the curtains and we got these rolls in our heads that we never asked ourselves why we do them that's called social group pressure that is not necessarily right either and so we need to be very very careful when we start deciding roles in our marriage who should cook is not a question of male or female it's a question of ability hello and do you know that the majority of the greatest chefs in the world are not males i'm not females rather they are males apparently we need to ask ourselves some questions maybe men are better creative cookers cooks than than females cookers i guess you say yeah they're cookers all right we're the cooks when an individual's training abilities or temperament make it difficult or unnecessary to follow an established cultural norm for a role the couple will need to have the strength to establish their own style of working together it is imperative therefore and i want you to make a note of this that a couple deliberately and mutually develop the rules and guidelines for their relationship as husband and wife it is imperative both the husband and the wife to get together even before you get married and deliberately develop the rules and the guidelines for your relationship as husband and wife write them down clarify them this clear assignment of authority and responsibility by the spouse does not create a rigid relationship but it allows sex flexibility and also order in what could be done if you don't clarify your rules you will end up with chaos i want to spend some time now thinking about your role as a wife or a husband i'm going to ask some questions first question what is the woman's place in the home i will ask the females in the seminar where are you in your mindset concerning what a wife should be i will ask the males in here what is your concept of a wife and what she should be let me give you a couple of things that men have come up with to describe their rights number one some say property write that down my woman is my property that means the wife has almost no rights no privileges compared to those of the husband the husband is the family provider and often the wife is merely a channel for a husband's sexual expression and someone to eye any shirts and have babies this is where the woman is seen as property or merchandise this is a very common concept throughout the world it has no place in a christian the second concept of men of women is one of a compliment she is a compliment write that down that means the wife's rights have been increased a little bit and marriage is the wife's central life interests that means the husband is still chief provider and has more authority than the wife but she is a friend or a husband he achieves and she supports him until you understand that concept now what this concept is saying is she's a compliment to him which means she doesn't do anything aggressively if he decides to be a doctor she works to help pay his doctor fees through college if he decides to go into business she minds the shop she doesn't own it she is only a compliment to him this concept is also not biblical and we will learn from the scriptures that both husband and wife are equal partners as far as god's eyes are concerned the third to the manhole of women and wife is junior partner now in any firm they're what they call a senior partner and a junior partner in the company and this concept of junior partner is the wife's rights have been increased because she works outside the home for pay but her main motive is to improve the family lifestyle not to have authority she has a little bit more authority and rights than a non-working woman but she knows who's still boss in other words she still submits her paycheck so to speak to her boss which is her wife i mean her husband hopefully yes now this junior partner concept is very very common in our society as a matter of fact all of these are very common in our society some men see their wives as property you know let's go to bed i don't feel like i don't know how you feel i feel like going to bed let's go to bed all right some men see their eyes that way uh some see them as compliment in other words you're only around to make me look good you have no place you have no room you have no say in the matter i make your decisions you only agree when i tell you i need your advice or your your comments or whatever and then thirdly you will join your partner which means you go to work because i need you to help pay for this house all right but his name is on everything that's the wife being a junior partner then we have the fourth concept of the wife role and that is equal partner equal partner this is where the wife and husband share equal rights and responsibilities equal rights and responsibilities this one is very very important now i'm going to ask you to think about some questions i'm going to ask and i want you to give me some answers we'll go through all of them and then next session that i have with you i am going to give you a printout which i would suppose i prepared this session but i'll have to pass it on for next session and you're gonna have to list some answers of some things to expose what you think a wife or husband should be and then we compare them to what the bible says and we'll see how awful you were all right first question this one is a sentence you have to finish in marriage i believe our role is what can someone answer that question what is a rule if i say the husband's role the white floor what do i mean function write that down someone says function someone says responsibility what else is the rule any other comments function responsibility place disposition all right i won't comment on that one i'm asking the second one if you are a husband or a wife or you intend to be my role my main role in marriage is what if you are a husband or a wife or you intend to be your main role in marriage is what let us have some answers let's talk to some women first oh okay we got a guy who'd answer first commitment your main role is commitment rule is that a rule that's not a rule to me that's a characteristic that's something to do with character commitment what is your main role as a wife any wise dare to try answer that respect respect and edify your husband that's referring to all right that's a really good answer what is your main rule anyone else okay companion your main goal is to be a companion i like friends better than companions companions can get you into ruin right verse proverbs chapter 18 verse 22. many companions bring it to ruin but friends stay closer than brothers all right but i know what you're saying okay you should be a friend all right what else how about some of the man what is your main role man in marriage that's it your main goal is to love your wife well that's a big one it's a lot of things in that word love i'm sure you're thinking about right you're just talking about sex that you're talking about all kinds of things right the whole gamut right yes to be a covering that's a beautiful answer your main role is to be a covering someone says yeah anyone else what do you got to say come on man yes sir to get your main rule is what that's your main role that sounds like a result so the husband's main role should be for him to be always available for the family to have access to that's a very very good answer i like that all right well we're going to find out next time if these answers are right all right all right let me think of rules that are really trying to get at when you when i ask you rules we're dealing with basically principles i'm hearing answers that's good you learn some things like you tell you learn the principles but what about the practical roles what do you think is your role as a wife come on woman come on man husbands what is your role give me just give me some of them i think to be a projector yes how by looking at every aspect of the [Music] children be a protector you say all right come on give me some of the rules you're running from these these basic roles we get in this community all right let me let me help you provider all right one husband says your provider okay all right what's the id what's the other one yes sir to teach the word of god to your family okay to support to support in every way okay that's what he's really referring to i think provider what are the rules i mean what does that husband do all right i mean we are real spiritual now and everything but let's get back down to the you know the house and the cleaning and the cooking and the driving and the washing and you know in the fifth spine but i think basically that's a responsibility and to see that the woman and the children are taught the word of god and see that they go in the right way very very very well said she said that uh the women's the husband's role is to provide and to work and to support the family and that he's also responsible for the spiritual leadership of the home and that is definitely true all right the garbage is filled up you're still running from my practical stuff who cleans the dishes who knocks the floor you know i don't know if this is going to work out right now what are you saying here i think the mayor should take care of all the work that that that needs happy equipment operations okay so she believes that the man should take care of all the heavy duty responsibilities okay anyone else they should work together someone says here all right you like that you can tell these married ones but they are sticking together all right so if i were to ask you the next question then where did you form your beliefs about your role what would be your answer tradition some people say what else inherit that's tradition from the word of god some people that's rare but it does come from it [Music] from what you've seen observed in other people's marriages and homes your parents and i think that's that's really where we learn most of what we are doing from our parents from what we see from you know the family and so forth if i was to ask you to list five of your major roles i wonder what you would list interesting we'll deal with that next time you say someone answered the question uh answer the question by saying i believe it is the husband's responsibility to go out and work to provide for the family all right have a question to ask how can you best if that is true if it is true how can you best fulfill your mates rule how can you help him fulfill his role or her role whichever the role is can you give me some ideas let's save your husband not to go to work how could you best fulfill his but know role about his work the time the very nature of his work on what would make him function at the highest level well you're a good wife i don't know you're married to but that guy i hope he knows that he knows what he got you you're just like my wife you're fantastic you ain't mad hold your hands at me and get your wife i mean a husband i believe you're mad i mean you matter i just hope he knows what he has but that's a very very good answer i think it is you know no matter what the role is you in your place you try your best to make sure that that person can can operate at their best at the maximum and you do the things that will make that happen uh i'll give you an example if if your husband in your concept should be the one to go and work and you know to earn the money for the home uh if that is your concept we'll deal with that later on but if it is then if you are the wife then you know that you should do everything to make him think less when he comes home you understand what i'm saying he shouldn't think of any shirts any pants why this thing is on the floor why the kitchen ain't claim why does how smelly white is very made why are they folding cooked because you see you want to make him function easy you want to make him operate at his maximum but if you got to come home after he finished keeping house outside i got to keep house inside you are not helping him because he'll be preoccupied wherever he goes and that reduces his maximum operation ability and so this is a way that you can best help your mate fulfill his our goals and so it is with the wife i mean if the wife is working as well which in our modern day society has become a necessity in many many homes uh then all the rules change suddenly you cannot have your traditional role with man out woman in if both are out then both got to realize that in is also equal and therefore he cannot expect for his wife to function the same way a wife who doesn't work functions all right so therefore that husband and that wife has to take into account each other's roles including the role of work and they should help them may fulfill his or her role to his maximum and i think that is why places like mcdonald's have become so well known and kentucky fried chicken because of our society all right sometimes you know husbands and wives don't get to you know have the pleasure of the day working of having a nice home cooked meal every day so you might need to stop off and buy something because you are considerate of each other's roles all right but we'll deal with how you can help with that situation later on all right now i want you to write down five things for me i would put on the right side of the page one right next to it put strongly agree under it put two mildly agree down below that with three not sure and next four mildly disagree and number five strongly disagree i'll go over them again number one strongly agree number two mildly agree number three not sure number four mildly disagree number five strongly disagree okay now i'm going to ask you some questions and i want you to circle underneath or next to them just a mark just or you can put a stroke or put the number which you think it is in your understanding what your answer would be number one it's a the husband is head of the home do you strongly agree mildly agree you're not sure you mildly disagree or do you strongly disagree b the wife should not be employed outside the home whether you rate that c the husband should help regularly with the dishes everybody puts number one d it is all right for the wife to initiate lovemaking with her husband that's important question it is all right for the wife to initiate sexual activity with the husband do you strongly agree or do you strongly disagree five the husband and wife should plan the budget and manage the money matters together number six neither the husband nor the wife should purchase an item costing more than thirty dollars without consulting the other some of you will say two dollars i'm gonna read that again in case you didn't get it neither the husband nor the wife should purchase any item costing more than 30 before consulting the other what do you think strongly agree strongly disagree mildly agree number seven the father is the one responsible for disciplining the children what do you think number eight a wife who has special talent should have a career what do you think number nine it is the wife's responsibility to keep the house meet and clean what do you think number ten the husband should take his wife out somewhere twice a month as a serious one man the husband should take his wife out somewhere twice a month strongly agree mildly agree most men will say not sure number 11 the wife is just as responsible for the children's discipline as the husband is what do you think number 12 it is the husband's responsibility to do the yard work 13 the mother should be the teacher of values to the children the mother should be the teacher of values to the children is that true or not how do you feel about that number 13 14 rather number 14. children should be allowed to help plan family activities agree strongly disagree number 15 children develop better in a home with where parents have strict discipline children develop better in a home with parents who are strict disciplinaries agree disagree 16.
money that the wife earns is her money agree strongly agree not sure strongly disagree what do you think number 17 the husband should have at least one night a week with his friends what do you think it's a very important questions the husband should have at least one night a week with his friends agree disagree number 18. the wife should always be the one to cook strongly agree strongly disagree the way some women cook some most men are right i'm not sure [Music] here's number 19.
