and when eighth grade hit was when my mom was diagnosed with cancer and we had just been kicked out of our home our single family home it was foreclosed on so we had to go and live back with my father and my grandparents and that transition enhanced even more things that I saw so I was witnessing abuse in the home I wasn't just witnessing it I was going through abuse in my home and so I would cut myself besides that I was also trying to fulfill things like I was so the masturbating and the watching
porn enhanced a lot that year and like the way that I felt in that time I don't have like the wars I just remember feeling so lost and confused I had no idea who I was I was just trying to fulfill myself and figure me out in so many of the wrong ways at five or six years old um I lived in a single family home with my parents and I came across um a computer screen that had bestiality um and I witnessed a woman and a horse doing things and I remember almost right after
feeling Sensations and things that I never felt before and I remember feeling guilty for even just witnessing and watching what I had watched around that same time we were attending a local church a mega church in the area and we would go occasionally like Christmases and Easter and like big events and when we would go the worship was great and the sermons I usually fell asleep through right but most of the time my favorite part was the altar call and I remember distinctly remembering like if you want to give your life to Jesus Christ everyone
bow your heads and close your eyes you know raise your hand and at a very young age like between five and on I was the little kid you know like me you know like I wanna and and I believe that that might have came from what I had witnessed and the shame that I had felt I felt like at such a young age I needed a savior fast forwarding a little bit towards my middle school years I remember starting to come across CDs and I remember starting to come across magazines and wondering what are these
things and feeling those Sensations again and feeling that shame and that guilt like what am I witnessing and why does this feel so good I tried my best to be promiscuous because of everything that I was seeing but you know when you're in Middle School your parents they don't really let you do anything so there's not really an opportunity for you to actually committing my parents were providers or my mom really was a provider in our household but she was present enough to tell me like no you can't go to that sleepover know you can't
go to that boy's house and so there wasn't moments but when I did find myself in moments like maybe like a party or something that she did let me go to I was finding myself trying to be promiscuous and just so focused on like fulfilling that Temptation and those Sensations and like it was all about boys in that era for me that was really sixth and seventh grade and when eighth grade hit was when my mom was diagnosed with cancer and we had just been kicked out of our home our single family home it was
foreclosed on so we had to go and live back with my father and my grandparents and that transition enhanced even more things that I saw so I was witnessing abuse in the home I wasn't just witnessing it I was going through abuse in my home and so I would cut myself besides that I was also trying to fulfill things like I was so the masturbating and the watching porn enhanced a lot that year and by the time that I got into freshman year my mom was diagnosed with cancer and we could not live with my
father anymore so my mom ended up getting an apartment in a different city so here I am starting High School not knowing anyone and I remember my freshman year being just very wild I was sneaking out drinking the people that had started to put myself around were heavy with smoking and drinking and drugs and they were very promising promiscuous girls as well so I felt very comfortable in a very broken environment because I was broken I came broken so we held on to each other around that time so my freshman year I'm sneaking out and
I come across and meet a boy for the first time the first boy that I ever encountered in this new city in this new school and I didn't realize until maybe a couple months in to kind of us having a relationship that I was being abused by this boy and I would show up to my home and I would show up to school with um bruises on my neck and on my arms and on my thighs again very broken I wasn't aware what made me aware was I came to school one day with bruises on
my neck and a group of girls that I never knew never really talked to came to me and kind of did like an intervention and they said listen we know the boy that you're with and he's very abusive and he's very lost you have to leave like you know that you're being abused right now physically and I remember thinking wow like how did I not realize that I had fallen into the same place that my mother kind of fell into I had no idea what was really happening until someone I say someone right but what
I mean is the Holy Spirit and God started placing people in my life to reveal things to me so that was the first thing now the reason for the abuse is very important because I want to say 8th to tenth grade year in high school I could not have sex it wasn't in the middle of me trying to do it or at the end of like where it actually happened it it wouldn't start and I would be the one to insinuate it come over let's do things and then right when it's about to start the
Holy Spirit would flood my mind with thoughts stronger than anything I've ever thought before things that just never I've never heard or could really comprehend at the time but I just kept remembering like you're this is not you and you're called you have a purpose and you don't have to do this you know and I started to feel these feelings and right when it was about to start you know I would start thinking like but I'm already in this it's already happening you know what do I do and I would literally hear clears day every
time get out tell them to get out so here I am inviting you know and I'm open to it we're getting in the act and all of a sudden I'm like get out flee run like get out of here I don't want anything to do with you so that was a part of the reason for the abuse he was very confused I was very confused because I wanted so bad to be that person that girl who just opened herself up to anything because I was so I was dying for love but God just he wouldn't
allow it it really was something that he blocked from my life in the time frame of my ninth grade year my mother couldn't keep up with the finances so we ended up losing the apartment as well we got evicted and we ended up going back to my father my grandparents house but my mom couldn't do it that week so she ended up leaving and I ended up leaving as well and I asked permission to go and stay with a friend so that's what I did so for 10th and 11th grade year of high school I
stayed with a friend and her mom she was a single mom and I did start getting myself into cheerleading but not because of a pooling or feeling it was because the girl that I was living with the friend she would tell me what she would see in me and she would tell me like you have a lot of value don't let these boys do these things to you you know she would say things like you don't have to go that route you know get yourself into something get busy you know and we were both broken
I mean we were heavily like smoking and drinking together but in that area um that I was so lost in she gave me a lot of guidance and like breathed a lot of belief and values into me so that is actually where I started to learn about worshiping God I had no idea what it looked like I did see it in the church when I would go younger but I had never seen anyone Worship in their room by themselves especially at the age that we were at so I remember distinctly this one time I came
back from like I think I was taking a shower or something and I came in the room and she's listening to gospel music and I'm like what are you listening to turn that off like like put some trap music you know put some Beyonce or Chris Brown or whatever some secular stuff what are you listening to and she'd be like girl you never heard this before this is good stuff listen to it and she would play it so often and so much that I started to find myself worshiping god with her in our in her
room and we would be praising and we'd be lifting our hands and just like listening to the words and and it was such a beautiful thing that you know I really hadn't remembered up until this point so God was it has been placing people in my life for a season to make himself known to me and I started to figure that out as time has been going on around that time frame even though I was you know I had friends who were breathing life into me I did have have friends who taught me some things
and one of the things I started to figure out around that same time frame was porn sites and even though that had really subsided I started that back up once my friends started to introduce it to me and the biggest thing was the same sex so I remember my friend telling me like come come check this out let me show you something and I'm like okay so we would go to her room and she's like have you ever been to porn sites before and I'm like porn sites and I'm remembering the CDs and I'm remembering
the magazines and I'm like I think but I've never like typed it in on a computer she's like well let me show you and she would type she typed it in and she showed me majority of what I saw was same-sex girl on girl and I remember that that had started and triggered something in me because any time that I would look it up and do it on on the sites it would it could only be like girls and so I I remember around that time like being so confused like what's happening to me am
I gay am I lesbian because I don't I can't everything else is disgusting everything else is like what is that you know like I that doesn't even look like it's good and because I had so many of these encounters with boys where it was just like hard no we're not doing that I thought well maybe it's because I'm not attracted to them right so I'm like having these thoughts and I remember Googling if you can only watch girl on girl on porn are you lesbian I remember Googling that and like the way that I felt
in that time I don't have like the wars I just remember feeling so lost and confused I had no idea who I was I was just trying to fulfill myself and figure me out in so many of the wrong ways at that time that I was being introduced that at the same time I'm being introduced gospel music and then I had just gotten out of like a relationship of abuse and I'm not able to be this promiscuous person that I thought that I could be you know like I'm looking at all these women and they're
so promiscuous on the screen why can't I be like that aren't I supposed to be that way I'm a woman you know that's what I was thinking around that time right so my senior year I had left my friend's house and I had moved in with an ex-boyfriend and his mom and that is where God shared with me and showed me what it looked like to be a present person a present parent my my ex's mom she shared things with me and loved me unconditionally and financially she was 100 supporting me she never were she
almost never worked and and she was always present I had never seen that in my life so a lot of values came from just watching her and having conversations with her in that frame especially my senior year my grades had fallen really bad I was never at school I was always just at my ex-boyfriend's house and she would see that and she would never tell me like you're doing wrong you know or she would never condemn me she would just tell me like what is it that you feel you need right now you know how
can I help you and in that time frame it's what I needed to to see and hear and when I left that relationship because that relationship me and my ex were heavy and drinking smoking and being out all the time there wasn't a time that we weren't on the streets doing something that we shouldn't have been doing and she knew that but towards the end of the relationship I was so depressed I couldn't leave the house and she saw that and she told me it's time for you to go and you know like I'm with
your son you're telling me to leave but it was out of love like it's time for you to go back to your mom and it's time for you to separate yourself from these people and from this lifestyle and she would tell me I see something different in you so I had left and I had started working at Burger King and living back with my mom and I did graduate that year 2014. and that's when I met my husband there wasn't a time from middle school to up to that point that I didn't have a boyfriend
or wasn't talking to someone or trying to be fulfilled in that way so in that time where I met my husband I felt no attraction I felt like I'm not taking this anywhere it was just a pure friendship for the first couple of months that's just all it was and then towards the end of that year in 2014 is when we first started dating and I didn't even know what dating was everything to me in the past was like you just talk through text or phone call and then they come to your house and try
to do stuff with you and that's just how it is but it wasn't like that this way it was like there was no drinking and there was no smoking it was just like when we were together was we were just always talking and eating and just eating out and I didn't know it then but that was dating so I'm like wow you're the first boy I've actually dated right so from that time of like just us meeting dating getting to know each other we I think two years later ended up having my daughter now when
I'm pregnant with her is when I felt a weight over my life in a really good way it was a calling and I started to remember who Jesus was and I started to remember like there's Church you know like I couldn't remember those things before it never came up until this point I'm pregnant with my daughter and I I'm yearning and I'm feigning and I'm like there's a God that can help me so when I was pregnant with my daughter towards the end of my term I went to church and I gave my life to
Christ again this time knowing what it all meant and researching and trying to figure out and understand it all and then the most beautiful thing happened right after I gave my life to Christ I have found out that they were going to have a baptism on my birthday and I was pregnant and I'm like wow it would be so amazing to be baptized on my birthday and I'm pregnant with my daughter right so I didn't and I remember telling all my friends and family about it like come and like watch me like be baptized you
know and I remember feeling so much joy and just like I I had something to look forward to in life you know like there's this big event that actually feels really good to me and I feel like I'm headed in the right direction in my life for once so when that happened I thought which I believe most Believers and Christians think that right after that happens there's this revival when like your life is just so different but for the year after I got baptized my life was not different there was a process that I didn't
know I had to go through and so right after I had my daughter once the baptism happened I had stopped the drinking and the smoking the masturbation porn gone and there was no temptation for that until this day I mean there's there's nothing that that can tempt me to do those things again I don't hunger for that but what happened was I fell into a depression because I I started to grieve those things because they were in my life for a very long time and I didn't realize that I was grieving the loss of that
so I would fall into this depression and to get myself out I would replace it with something else and in that time it was binge watching movies TV shows I mean I was on the TV all the time if I wasn't working and at that time I was working three three jobs I was watching TV what I didn't realize early on when I first started doing that was it separated me from God because I had no time for him and it separated me from relationships especially the ones very important to me because I had no
time for my daughter and I definitely had no time for my husband it was dark but once God had done his way with that and I was convicted on that around that time I was presented an opportunity in a career and that was my biggest thing I never went to college because I got pregnant with my daughter so I just felt like I'm worthless I don't know how to go about life anymore if I don't go to school everyone's going to school when I'm pregnant right but God had presented an opportunity to mean in a
career that I had never thought of and that I started to fall in love with so in the time frame that I was binge watching and then I'm getting convicted the conviction came from that opportunity it was like you can't keep doing this anymore and I had to repent so once I repented from that and I actually turned and started going a different direction I replaced that with my career so I started to become a workaholic I submersed myself so much in it that I never saw my my daughter and I never saw my husband
and I never had time for God because I was so fixated on trying to fill places that only God could and in that moment I replaced it with my career as I replaced that right everything was fine every everything felt pretty good everything felt like this is your purpose this is your calling keep going there was another point where I had fell into depression and I'm like what is going on why do I keep falling into this really dark place when I have like I'm not sexually active anymore like I'm doing the right things I've
gotten married right I'm doing what you're asking me to do God I'm not masturbating I'm trying to be the provider for this home and it was a revelation that I got and another conviction that I had replaced God with my career so up to that point I was just playing like tic-tac-toe right like it's this and and once I knew like okay this isn't good either it wasn't like I went to my Bible and went to God it was like well let me go to this right this is better than that when I started to
repent and turn away and and stop being so fixated on my career and working so much I fell into that depression again and I started to replace that with Christianity so I started to binge Christianity and I started to fixate myself on religion and what I would do is sit for hours I mean five ten videos a day on sermons and podcasts and a lot of things that help me build knowledge but not wisdom because I almost never could apply it to my life and if I did apply some things and gain wisdom It could
only take me but so far because I never truly built a relationship with Jesus when God would call on me I would give him maybe 10 15 minutes of my time and try to talk but I would spend three to four hours listening to other people's words even though it came from the Bible but it wasn't me and God's connection it was them and God's connection so I knew about him but I didn't actually know him in that transition from me going from binging my career to kind of like binging my like my Christianity my
walk with God I kept falling into this depressed state because it just none of it fulfilled me and I would completely stop one thing like my career completely tanked because I repented from it completely and started something new thinking this is everything right now at the time that I well where I'm at right now let's just saying is completely subsiding from the replacement and building a true relationship with Jesus there's been moments in my life that I would keep falling into into depression and one of the most dominating thoughts was like you're disgusting like you're
So Unworthy and like how can God love you after everything you've done and everything you've tried to be and everything you were right and no one's gonna listen to you like why are you doing this right why are you even speaking at all like you shouldn't be in that career and you shouldn't be in this family and you shouldn't be a child of God there were so many dark things but I have realized that all of that was coming from me not feeling fulfilled and I'm happy to say that God is the one who fulfills
me my relationship with God is what fulfills me there Eva who is Jesus to you Jesus is my savior he is who sustains me and he is who fills me um yeah that's who Jesus is to me for anybody uh Evo who is in that same spot where you know they just just they're feeling that emptiness right that you um have been feeling in the past what is a word of encouragement a word of advice that you can give to that person watching right now that is longing for that relationship with God but it just
seems like it's just it's just not happening it's not working or things are distracting what can you tell that person this is what kept me from truly building a relationship with Jesus if you could picture yourself myself in a box with writing I am alone and not being able to move and do anything that was that was mean I felt like I fed myself and the enemy fed me the biggest lie of my life which is I am alone and I've always been alone and I will always be alone but Jesus came and took me
out of the box in the open air looked me in my face and said You are not alone you you were never alone and you will never be alone and through the process of the Revelation that I was getting of my life I have realized that he has always been there for me he will always be here for me and I can now say that I've been liberated and freeing from feeling like I've been alone and the TR the same truth is there for you I believe that God wants to make it known through my
life that if you ever feel as if he's not there just take a look again and ask him to reveal it and he will Eva any last words for the people watching your testimony right now I just pray that for the ones who are like me who can have dominating thoughts till this day and that feel humanly humiliated and shameful for the things of their past just know that God is very merciful and when you come to him he you're literally born again so take courage in that and move and allow that to give you
light throughout your day
