Hey, I'm Andrew Hales welcome to another edition of chatting with I'm here with Philip, thank you so much for being here. Yeah its an honor. You're an ex meth head.
Yes. Yes. I was addicted to meth for a year But really I suffer from what's poly substance chemical dependency meaning I can get addicted to pretty much anything and so I've tried pretty much almost every drug out there and when I tried meth it just Skyrocketed and became my drug of choice and almost instantly you're 28.
Yes When did you try meth for the first time first time? First time I tried meth I was 20 years old a friend had it Oh It was one of those things like I used to look down on people just for trying MDMA ecstasy Or any of those things or even pharmaceuticals and I hate to say it's a gateway effect because I feel like it's so cliche But you know It did really start with pot and then it was kind of like stick to all-natural So I got into like the shrooms and things like that It all comes from the earth and then drinking socially accepted Pharmaceuticals came next and then one day my ex bought ecstasy and I was really hesitant to even try it And then when I tried it it kind of opened up my mind to this world of Illicit drugs that I didn't know existed and I thought I could handle meth because I tried heroin I've tried everything else up to that point. I didn't really get addicted like I could dabble and I Was always dabbling in different things, but when I tried to math it was like all bets are off I kind of made it my life mission at some point to try every drug that was out there.
Have you tried every drug? Almost everyone. There's a couple LSD in particular is one that I never messed with.
How did you eventually get sober? What was the moment of clarity for me? it was I always tell people is my last day of using was like any other day of using it was just so weird to me And I just I felt the next day I felt empty and it wasn't like I was I could cry it wasn't like being sad and it was just like being nothing and there was just nothing but kind of like shame for what I'd done and there wasn't much emotional drive and I was with my mother and we were out eating and I was actually just talking to her about it and she gave me kind of like that crossroads where hey I could take you to detox or I Could've went home and got high and I just said, you know what like I'm done and that's it So that was three years after you started math, but then so you relapsed a few times Yes, okay.
How long were you in rehab in 2013? 2013 I was just in a Rehab for 30 days and I kind of just put my life in other people's hands cuz I tried to get sober For a while before that mainly to get my ex back and nothing worked I invented all these programs for myself like just go to the gym just to go to school just do the next right thing But I was miserable and I just decided I'm gonna just put my life in other people's hands and I didn't want to do it like my mind was Everything in my mind was saying no, but I just walked through it anyways And so when I went to detox they were saying go to 30-day rehab I didn't want to I was arguing in my head But I just said okay and then they said go into sober living which is kind of like a halfway house arguing with it again in my head my head makes the worst decisions like my best decisions got me to where I was and I was like I'm just gonna trust these or professionals with my best interests in mind So I just went to sober living and just kind of did what everybody suggested how close is out a role to meth to you? Pepsi versus coca-cola No But I would say you know, what just depending on Genetics so I'm like a meth head.
No because the only difference is I would say our route of administration and That increases bioavailability and also the fact that methods a lot cheaper every time you hit that bowl It's just like a big rush of adderall and then you say well I want another rush and then you hit the bull you in Another rush and you get to the point to where? You're so Iced Out that if you take another hit you think you're gonna die But you feel amazing at the same time like you're floating so it's like But as far as the lower doses if we were to if I were to put the same dose adderal in my body in the same dose of meth and Be at the peak of both of them. I wouldn't be able to tell the difference.
I Would say meth has it didn't have his bad of a comedown for me and it had less body load Were the main differences so it wasn't as hard on the body when I was in the experience - we're taking ten adderall pills I was like, oh man this body lug has come down. Yeah lay body load. Yeah It's just like stress to the body where you're kind of like tensing your body or whatever and this happens at high doses Not so much.
The low doses the next day. Usually you feel it more so than when you're on it smoking it like once Is the same as taking like 40 milligrams of adderall? Yeah somewhere between 20 to 40 It depends on how good the person is that actually vaping it properly.
Okay? so what are some steps you've been taking for - I guess repair your brain tissue and Your no transmitters in homeostasis and tolerance and everything You know, I like to say, you know The truth is when I got into drugs like it was to me like I had no friends. The first time I smoked weed I didn't necessarily like it.
So there was like all these underlying issues. Like I was bullied in middle school. I was socially anxious like I didn't have any friends and my parents were going through a rough divorce and all that was very hard on me as a kid and I mean I just saw pot as a way to fit in so when I got sober It was like just taking the drugs out of the equation wasn't enough because I was this the same discontent socially anxious Irritable Restless filip that it was when I was using the drug So that's what I was using to solve and I take the solution away.
So now I have to find a new solution Otherwise, it's just like I'm gonna be miserable. I'm one of those people that I can't just sit there and just be stagnant I always have to be progressing towards something to this day. You're still like that Yes, and it's constant and honestly, I'm an infant and recovery even though I have five years of sobriety, it's just like I'm very the recovery thing is such a process and it's It's really enlarging my spiritual life And I know spirituality is one of those taboo subjects But to me spirituality is prioritizing the human spirit and soul over materialistic or physical things That's the definition of it and the human spirit can be seen from tons of different conceptions and I respect all of them You know for me it can be seen as like just an emotional well-being that's focusing on being content with what I have rather than thinking that Getting a million dollars is what's going to make me content and driving towards that instead just saying I'm content with what I have So I'm clear-headed and enough to pursue things in appropriate ways Nice So you've been meditating?
Yeah, every day. No, that's more of a here in there thing A lot of what helps me as support groups in general and now having guidance from people that have long-term sobriety Do you feel like it's caused? permanent brain damage That's a question.
I'm asked pretty often as well. And there's really no way to know because I don't know I can't like really see where I'm at at this stage of my Development because my frontal cortex didn't developed. I was 25 fully.
You know, I'm content. I'm happy I'm effective at at work. But at the same time I do notice little things like bouncing my leg all the time Or like getting waves of anxiety that are completely unrealistic, you know almost seem crazy but at the same time for the most part I'm able to feel at peace sleep at night and Focus on things.
Yeah, you seem like you're doing totally fine man. Like you came out totally alive I get that a lot, too and I think you know you know drugs we get a Idea of a meth head you think of the guy with no teeth with scabs and all that and it's not always the case You know, I've met people that look just perfectly normal. I mean you have doctors lawyers that are using addicted to meth Yeah, it doesn't discriminate you have poverty addicted to meth you have Everything I mean, yeah Yeah, you mentioned of the banging it or shooting it up slamming it.
Mm-hmm. I didn't know you could slam meth that's like That's the best way to do it. It's the most dangerous way to do it Does Ritter the first time I slam math?
I can my pants. Yeah And that's such a cross addiction with sex methane sex go together. And without the sex that wouldn't have liked math.
Okay Without your girlfriend. It was no it was never like orgies and sex clubs or anything. Yeah I mean it got to that point cuz it's progressive effing.
I told you what meth is like at the core of it Yeah, like it starts off as a lie that says you're more effective at work You're you're doing better Then it gets into porn and you're watching it obsessively then you abuse your arousal system To now where you're going out and finding whatever you can find and getting involved in these sex parties And then that becomes not enough and then you start to get into like really sick stuff like violence Yeah, and that's what's so scary about meth. I would say it's like Standing at the edge of the cliff and almost methods like this voice That's just saying do you like jump? And just do it and like let the darkness just fill you is you you know plummet to your death like meth stimulates Evilness, like I don't know how to else to describe it it stimulates it to such an extreme that you get to where you don't care about anything like you get to a point where your psychopathic Completely and you almost look forward to the darkness.
Like you're you're welcoming it and it becomes like this It's just such a gnarly world, man like I really can't describe how dark meth made me and how much it messed up my mind, but it's like the opposite of Spirituality. Yeah, absolutely a hundred percent Wow Just totally evil and you get off on it normally you wouldn't you'd say why am I doing this like normally but a meth you like let's do something really sick and twisted and get fucked up and you're just Tweets out of your skull being you haven't slept in like five days. So you're not really in touch of reality Yeah, and you're going out and doing these fucked-up things you know you go to these parties like I would go home and have sex and smoke meth and There was one time where I left and I was like I didn't have sex with anybody I was just shooting meth the whole time and It just becomes more about the drug at some point and that's when things get even more dark and you start to get to where?
Sex isn't doing for it for you anymore. It's not twisted enough So then for me It's like getting aroused by ideas of I and it would actually Arouse me and get me excited as crazy as that sounds, you know, I'm a chill, dude Like not even says I have no I've never gotten a ticket in my life I've never been to jail in my life like okay naturally I'm not a person that is violent, or I'm not a person and I'm very uh I'm not naturally not that promiscuous Like I like to fuck don't get me wrong, but I'm naturally not like throwing my body out Like it's a yeah, like a piece of crap and and meth just took all self-preservation all self Love all those. Yeah, it's just all in it.
Threw it out the window yeah, it's completely eradicated and you're just a carnal Animal, it's really what it's like at the peak of it And then uh, you know, that's an especially at the binges. Then you start getting psychotic and having hallucinations So it's like you haven't slept in seven days. There would be times where it's like I Think the Mafia put a hit out on me one time I thought a lien were coming and I Was so sure of it and I could see him in the sky coming down a meth that I got out basically a phone book and I don't know how I found one and I started calling every number in the book and it was like A 48-hour process of calling these numbers so so convinced then there was like times are I'd be searching for math on the ground for like days like 72 hours just like specs and I'm loading the bowl and I'm forgetting what I'm doing So I think that I remember thinking now I was loading a plasma gun that was gonna take over the world with these crystal shards That was finding on the ground Then at the end I would smoke it and then it would end up being just dirt, you know I mean because I was hallucinating meth was pretty self-defeating in that sense because it was just like I Struggle with meth to this day like to an extent.
It's almost like being a diabetic But the thing is, I know it's continual treatment continual recognition not being overconfident but what makes what's scary about meth addiction is I know there's a chance I'm gonna relapse in my life and You know with things like diabetes it affects the person but it doesn't hurt people around them like doing these things like destroyed my family destroyed so many people around me it put me out so much danger and put other people danger and There's a chance I'm going to relapse and I have to live with that because when I think about meth like if meth was in This room and you walked out for whatever reason and I was in here for an hour. I Would go like there's it's one of those things where you just don't yarn around it Like recovering alcoholics can go to a bar, you know after they've been sober a year or two Here I am I haven't done meth and since 2011 and I can't be around a period it triggers off some in my brain And I get to where I want that darkness back and I want not necessarily at the darkness but I know the highs and I know the sex parties in the culture environment and the filth and I'm Aroused by it to this day, but it's not something that I entertained. You know, I just see it as a bad idea It's like I get seemeth and yeah, it lights me up It's like seeing a really hot girl, but knowing she has AIDS like yeah, she's you know I'm lit up by that but at the same time that's a horrible idea because it's not worth losing the life that I've built up By working spiritual principles and having a support group.
That's crazy Um and giving you I feel like I'm giving you a lot to edit No, this is like that's the thing about your channel like you you go on these rants But it's all interesting and it's all in one take and it's never great Yeah, it's great. Like you do a really good job at Monologues or if you will. Mm-hmm, and I don't know if you practice or what but yeah No never it's always just the only I tell people making my videos is so easy.
It literally takes my 12 minutes Yeah, cuz it's throw on the camera. Throw it. I'm final cut touch it up a bit done Yeah, but it's just about knowing that what I'm talking about is the truth so, you know the scene where Jesse's like hold on and he digs the hole and the guy comes out and he's like What are you digging?
Why did he do that? Why was it fascinating to the method for him to get into the house? well, it's just like Paranoia.
Yeah, like if I saw someone out front digging and I was out of my mind I would be very interested in what he's doing and probably believe everything that he told me He told me his digging to China would it believed him because I was completely out of my mind I do think that that scene in particular Kind of showed. The meth head is like this guy was rotted out teeth and all that but it was like stigmatizing it But I got what jesse was doing a guy was trying to do and I'm like in that Situation that would make sense to do does Breaking Bad Depict meth heads correctly no. Oh Shit it's it's on two different extremes to me like some people that smoke meth like honestly, they function perfectly normal and you would have no idea they're even able to sleep and eat on it and they're smoking meth all The time and it all has to do is genetic predisposition like someone with a DD is going to react completely different Okay, so I feel like it was just yeah Probably I figured someone with a lot of a TD is gonna act more normal.
They smoked meth. Yes like that is the case Damn, some people can actually smoke meth and go to sleep and I just felt like that show in particular it kind of had Extremes to an extent like here's the really messed up guy in the house And here's this guy who's able to do it occasionally and get away with it. You know what I mean?
And there was no middle ground a really depiction of the person who's functioning with it Do you have a few book recommendations for recovery? I don't know Man search for meaning blah blah now, I won't say, you know, whether or not I'm a member of Alcoholics, Anonymous but I think bill Wilson's book is Probably the number one recommendation just because it's so interesting a guy who was an alcoholic And now this says diverse to narcotics and on all these anonymous programs have adopted this program He created and I just think it's so interesting because you read a story and this is before the internet This was before drug rehabs this is before a a so there's this guy can't stop drinking and he gets together with a bunch of other guys and You know, they find a way together and write a book on it and you read it and it's just so interesting to me It's almost like a religious text. But at the same time it doesn't force you to have a conception of God That's linear.
It just it kind of does imply that you need a Power greater than yourself And that could be anything and usually it's something that supersedes your will and for me at one time I was on my way to drink and What stopped me was I? I could give and get away with it or kind of knew I could But and I thought I was going to lie to my family my recovery program and what stung me was, you know They won't know but I will know so the truth kind of was that higher power that superseded my will in that time and I've seen people stop doing things they want to do because they love their daughter and it's about Fostering a conscious contact with that thing that makes you do the next right thing and understanding it and nurturing that relationship With it, maybe even and then taking a daily inventory for me of what I did throughout the day. You know what my motive self-seeking You know was I resentful was I dishonest do I have amends I need to make and not actually writing it down daily So I can build that connection stronger and stronger Yeah, and that's what honestly keeps me sober and it's a really trippy experience.
You mentioned you've been helping out helping out at Homeless shelters or something, you know, whatever being charitable do you think it's selfless or selfish because you're trying to Boost your self-esteem or I think almost all of acts of kindness at their core selfish, but I think that's okay You know, it's like this thing of progression not perfection Yeah, and I get that, you know, but you know even me like I'm an actor trying to be a director like trying to direct the world and I had my kind acts or so that you know Everything will play out the way I want it to and wouldn't life be so beautiful if it played out according to Phillips willpower my willpower Yeah, and you know I'm kind of people and a way to get what I want out of them and when I don't get what I want I'm an asshole and it's letting go of that like in dissolving self which takes time and I am by no means Anywhere near like good at this but it's like just understanding it and seeing other people that are you know They show it through their actions and there's some about their energy and the way they carry themselves that you see it It is Exciting and it's something to look forward to and it definitely takes meth out of the picture because those two things just cannot work together Do you want to shout out anything? I created a nonprofit called? I am shameless and the reason that I created it was it was taken it was taking CG kit as a proof of concept and Saying we need more addicts to share about their past experiences that are real because we already know heroines We already know meth is bad.
It's like, you know, that's all you can find meth is bad meth is fucked up. Look How fucked up this guy is and it's like a lot of these parents that have someone struggling that want to understand it better will go to these videos or even In universities have a lot of doctors donating neurologists donating because they say it helps them Understand the subjective experience better and then I think it could even end up in the high schools at some point in a more real format of public speaking and Q&A and actually like because right now like the dare program and I'm just like this is yeah CG kid is just a proof that like an anti-drug channel can get eighty four thousand subscribers to me. That is unbelievable I would love to see dare try to pull that off but it's working.
And so with this nonprofit on doing is getting Donations that are tax deductible and then hiring people so I'll buy like a video from a guy in Cali or send them a camera And get videos from him and just start putting on the site promoting it and eventually like I'm just sharing this with you So you understand like no no So yes, and then you would put on CG kid. No, I put on the website I'm shameless that I guess his own media platform And then right now what we're trying to do is get these rehabs on board and basically saying that will allow sponsorships that's how we're really trying to get our donations and that's That's been held here these rehab owners like between us it's like there's some of them are sicker than the people that go Yeah, they want to buy my phone number. I got off the business.
Yeah. Yeah, I got offered $300,000 for my phone number. And now what they want to do is use it to manipulate people into thinking rehabs the only way out And it would be me standing for hey, you know have this concept of this application I know SEO.
I know how to market this. This nonprofit is tax-deductible Like you can actually save money with this and they're like we don't give a shit about concepts We want to flip beds now like what can you do first now? They're so like a lot of them are 60 year old men z CEOs, and they just they don't have that broad vision Intervention is to me it's a lot of Hollywood fluff and it gives us false pretense that the family can help the otic get sober and that's why every day I get like at least a quarter of my messages or moms that are like how I get my son sober and I'm just telling them you can't until he wants to so all parent can do is our family member or friend can do it's just lead by example and work them work on themselves and Very much.
So focused on themselves in their recovery and start to study don't enable them Yeah If a parent or a loved one of an addict really started to study addiction and talk to people who've been sober I think it would be one of those things that like these rehabs in my opinion a lot of them are salespeople and they're gonna say anything under the moon to get the parent to drop off the kid and that's Who these parents are reaching out to they're not talking to addicts. I've been there Yeah, and I think if they actually did like if they read bill Wilson's book Alcoholics Anonymous You know when they get past The doctor's opinion and passed bills story. They're gonna sit back and say you know, there's nothing we can do period huh a psychiatrist sat down with the patient of alcoholism and Basically said you need a miracle.
It was in that book. It was written in 1934 so this is before we had rehabs and stuff and he said Alcoholics your variety are pretty much screwed and you need a phenomena the phenomenon that happened I've seen happen very rarely with some people and it's kind of like a miracle so I think reading that book and reading a story is one of those eye openers that a psychiatrist imagined your Prescription is a miracle. That's it He's a so, you know You're just in it's your will like you think that I could just stop and this doctor saying no He's like you might be able to stop for two three five years But ten years from now and once you start to drink or use drugs the phenomenon and a craving happens in the obsession and it doesn't stop until You're are there imprisoned dead or you're just emotionally devastated to your core likes, you know spiritual death?
And you say you just woke up one day and you're like I'm gonna stop doin meth I was like, I'm gonna stop doing all drugs meth was already out of the picture like two years. Okay, and It just it's weird to me because everybody's looking for that bottom Everybody's I'm gonna hit bottom, you know Everything's gonna fall apart and some people are actually looking for that is a reason to quit and I've seen a lot of bad things happen I've had a lot of bad things happen, but at the end of the day what my bottom was was seeing the whole thing at the bottom and Realizing I was altering the chemistry of my brain. It wasn't me.
I was hurting my family I was hurting myself And I've had loved ones who are alcoholics or addicts and it's I love them to death and it really does hurt me Especially when someone goes out and relapse Because I'm not speaking to them. I'm speaking to the drugs like they're gone already. They're not done Be sure to check out Phillips information in the description Thank you so much for being here.
