foreign Dallas Texas what's up Chris hey Dr John how's it going partying dude what are you up to oh nothing much thank you for taking my call I really appreciate it absolutely brother what's up man how can I help all right so my question is how can I best support my fiance um with her uh bipolar diagnosis while also still taking care of myself and making sure that I'm good mentally [Music] yeah what are y'all going through it all started last year we've been together five years so starting last year um we had pretty rough
year um started off we lost my dad to cancer um back in February of last year and then um fast forward to May she graduated college you know doing good looking for jobs and then she started getting just really really depressed like couldn't get out of bed um she ended up going into a manic episode and ended up wanting to hurt herself we had to hospitalize her for 10 days and you know she's they got her stabilized she got out and for probably the next four or five months she just had little episodes about every
couple of weeks um I ended up quitting my job to stay home with her take care of her make sure she you know didn't go out and do anything that was going to hurt her or anything like that and I mean that was really really tough on me a lot of things happen we got into a lot of fights and you know a lot of things were said and it was just really really tough on me um a lot of things you said a lot of stupid stuff or she said a lot of stupid stuff
to you now it was a lot of mostly I mean that was the first time that I had dealt with that that was the first time I went through that with her hold on hold on I want you to hear be I want you to pay close attention to your distancing language some tough things were said that absolves people from hurt either you hurt somebody and you don't like who you became in those moments trying to take care of her or you didn't know she was capable of saying some of that stuff and she hurt
you what was it uh I mean uh honestly it was a lot of both of us um we both said a lot of things and did a lot of things that you know hurt each other and um you know it's for me it was hard to kind of decipher you know whether that was actually her saying those things to me and that you know like I said that was the first time I went through that and that was just it's hard to hear a lot of those things and so I reacted not in the best
way to it okay and so yeah I mean that was exactly on both of us so are you back at work yeah so I started a new job um I ended up you know having a hard time finding a job um you know I was at home for almost four months after that after she's found a job and you know things went back to normal well fast forward to about three weeks ago um she was in a new job for about two months it was her dream job she loved it it was pretty abnormal hours
[Music] and they kind of forced her out they the girl that was her boss just didn't really want her there and then kind of gave her the option to either leave or stay in a toxic work environment so we talked about it I want to make sure we're on where that we're using affirmative language okay and I'll tell you at the end while it's important in this current market where it's very very hard to find employees right it's been my experience that people are reticent to just like I don't like her I'm just gonna be
mean to her and try to force her out or can you with like clear cleaning your glasses and looking objectively is there a chance that your fiance was a terrible employee she didn't show up on time she snapped at people she had little miniature episodes at work and it was just too much um I mean I don't think she was a terrible employee I think it was a learning curve for her okay she was new to this industry and she was learning and she wanted to learn and they kind of just put her in a
position that you know she either learned it on her own or you know it didn't work out and I I don't think it had anything to do with her being a bad employee um but she but she clearly she wasn't able to get the job but they wanted done done yeah yes um realistic expectations out of her okay and I'll I'll say I mean yeah ultimately here's the deal you can't um as much as you want to and you're a good guy you can't fix her right um I would recommend with all of my heart
not trying to fix the quote-unquote bipolar but instead focusing on how can I love her and support her while she addresses the behaviors that makes her life more difficult exactly if you try to go after bipolar that's a moving Target different people will diagnose you with different things and bipolar one ah well the hypomania is a little bit low so we're going to roll you off to bipolar too the meds are just throwing spaghetti at the wall sometimes and so there's a lot of toggling and a lot of fixing and if you can get somebody
who is truly bipolar one uh in bipolar two two but to to take their meds you can see some extraordinary success yeah and it's still going to be lows and still going to be Highs but it does make life much easier to live you know what I mean right and that's I mean that's the reason for what happened last year she got off of her Med she didn't like how they made her feel and you know she got off of them and then that happened okay and you know I've really tried to bend on be
on her you can't you can't man you can't be on her you're not her dad you're somebody who loves her yeah and it's hard because you the longer I well that's a parenting analogy I don't do that the more you intervene and confirm to her that she has broken and damaged and unable to care for herself in any capacity the more you come in and try to take over and quote unquote be on her about taking her stuff and doing the right the more you do that the more her ability to get with her doctor
and to follow her doctor's plans and to build that resilience and that muscle and just atrophies over time the helplessness increases does that make sense no yeah that definitely makes sense um what what often not always and again I I would want to talk to her and make sure she's got the right psychiatric care often the greatest gift you can give somebody who is struggling with mental health with their mental health challenges particularly in something like schizophrenia something like bipolar one of the schizoaffective disorders is that you be very very well meaning you set the
mark for I am never going to miss a day of exercise I'm gonna get plugged into a spiritual Community I'm going to have my own friends I'm going to eat as best as I can I'm gonna have where I'm going to do work that matters I'm not going to owe a bunch of people money so I'm not stressed all the time and what you're doing is you're creating an environment of peace that often somebody with bipolar doesn't even understand it's different air it's a it's a purity of oxygen they've never breed before and instead of
you bringing your chaos to an already chaotic environment and trying to demand Clarity in that chaotic environment doesn't work all right see what I'm saying yes yeah and it feels like let me put it this way and this is going to sound harsh um if you said I'm going to love you every day but I'm not going to call you and check up on you every day and see if you took your meds I'm going to trust you and I know that you've been diagnosed with X or Y in this relationship you we cannot lie
to one another period we have to tell the truth or I have to ask myself hard questions about being married to somebody who doesn't tell the truth you cannot hit me you cannot go off on three-day disappear for three days or five days and end up with somebody that we used to know and then just roll it up like that might be a function of your disorder that might be a function of some of your manic behaviors that is not something I'm going to tolerate in this relationship so if you want to be in this
relationship with me you're gonna have to be extra um direct with your psychiatrist get to be extra intentional about taking your medication you have to be extra intentional about being honest with me you see what I'm saying I'm taking bipolar off the table I'm dealing with these behaviors because what you're going to do is you're going to you're going to end up her dad right that's exactly how I feel right and that's not your job your job is to love her be her partner not her father and you can also find yourself after your dad
passed away suddenly the world feels a lot less a lot less in control it feels out of control feels chaotic and Mayhem and dude I'm going to tighten my grip on this one relationship that I got left and what you end up doing is you tighten your grip so much you strangle the whole thing yeah I mean that's exactly how I feel like I feel like what I'm doing right now it's not working do what it's not working no not at all I just I just feel like I'm pushing her away when I'm not meaning
to yes yes and it's just falling apart right underneath my nose you know yes so here's the exercise for you okay stop looking at her like she's some sort of dysfunctional broke down car that you've gotta walk nine miles to a gas station with one of those rad guests red gas cans to fill up with gas she is a person a friend your girlfriend you love her she'll probably laugh like crazy when she's up I bet she is a rocket ship to be around huh very much so yeah like the funnest my favorite friends I've
got are my bipolar friends when they're up they're a riot dude it's incredible um and it makes me forget sometimes the totality of our relationship because when things are bad they're real real bad yeah right exactly so I want you to stop looking like she can't think for herself and do for herself and exist for herself and I want you to have a crazy conversation ask her this this question um say hey I've been trying to act like your dad and I don't know how this happened I'm just trying to love you and I'm a
good Texas male and so I try to Love by um dominating and I'm not gonna do that anymore I love you too much how can I best love you right now ask her that question okay what do you need from me and then tell her I'm used to telling you to take your meds every day on that you know that I'm not going to do that that's between you and your doctor I'll go with you to the appointments if you'd like um but at the end of the day you've got to want to be well
[Music] and for her meds might be a part of her life forever they might just be um great cool I'm not going to lose sleep over that we're just going to make that a part of our life and if they start to make her not feel good then we're going to find different ones we're not just going to quit because we know what happens when we quit right but again she's got to want that and you're gonna have to practice not trying to Lord over but you're gonna have to practice being with and that means
you're gonna have to have boundaries that when you show up and she's seven beers in you say I told you I I'm not interested in being around you when you're drunk um we you say things I say things I'm stepping out of this if you go I'm gonna that you're you're gonna make those choices I love you with all my heart but I'm also going to hold these boundaries right right that's exactly how that goes right yep yes or she calls you at 2AM and says I want you to come over and I need to
be with you right now and you say I've got to sleep because I got work um doesn't mean they don't love you it means that I gotta take care of myself if you don't come over right now I'm gonna call so if you do that that's great you're opting out of a relationship with me but I'm going back to bed I love you right here's the other side Chris she might call that guy she might get super super drunk and you might have to call 9-1-1 but you can't be your dad right right you don't
like that do you no it's just not that I don't like it it's just it's gonna be something that I just have to work on and something we're gonna have to talk about and um we we got into therapy and we were doing great and then another episode happened and our therapist was just like you know I don't know enough about your about her situation I think y'all should find somebody else and kind of just left us hanging there so you know we're gonna look into somebody else get back into therapy and just figure this
out okay um at the end of the day all only person on planet Earth you can control is you your thoughts and your actions your boundaries and your choices that's it that's it that's it that's it that's it that's it that's it so make the decision to ask yourself what are the things I need to do to be well what are my boundaries forget the bipolar diagnosis what are my boundaries you cannot tell me you hate me you cannot tell me to go blank myself you cannot um sleep with somebody that's not like that's that's
you can't get super high or super coked up and run around the neighborhood like you can't do these things I won't I won't be in partnership with somebody I won't commit my life romantically to somebody I won't try to build a life with somebody who is unable to be Integris be a person of fidelity and I will love you but I can't be your dad and that's going to be hard hard hard for you I think all this starts with you asking her that one magic question how can I best love you because the way
I'm trying to have loved you for the last five years isn't working let's I want to try something new and you my brother are gonna have to practice opening your hand up saying I love you and here's my boundary appreciate your heart man gotta do something different this time and yes go find another therapist one that will stick with you guys and that no better knows how to teach people the skills of loving one another when somebody's got bipolar it's out there it exists you can't have a happy marriage just kind of work at it
