Welcome, welcome one and all to the late show. I'm your host, Stephen Colbear. And tonight, [cheering] tonight, I want to take all that energy and I want I want I want to I'm going to use it to to to offer another salute to the people of Minnesota.
>> Yeah. >> Who have stood up for each other [cheering] in beautiful ways. >> These people have beautifully stood up for each other in the midst of the violence and fear-mongering of this administration.
And today, Minnesota officials announced that Trump is withdrawing federal officers from Minnesota. [cheering] We don't know how many. [applause] We don't know when.
We don't know how many, but I'm told we already have footage of one federal officer standing down. [applause] >> I I will never pass up an opportunity to show that footage. Apparently, Trump learned that violent mass goons are not crowd-pleasers, and he learned that from his most trusted adviser, the TV.
Reportedly, over the weekend, working from the Oval Office, Trump watched as footage of the shooting of Alex Prey played on repeat from Minneapolis. As one insider described the situation, it's and pus knew he needed to un it. [cheering] And Trump knows better than anybody if you don't un quick enough you could end up with an Eric.
So [cheering] his big move big move I'm sorry [applause] I'm sorry to use bad words like Eric. His big move his big move in beginning the uning of sending in Trump's border and love child of Shrek and Mr. Potato Head Tom Holman.
[cheering] Just just to refresh your memory though, it sounds like I don't need to. Uh Tom Holman is not cool. He was the architect of Trump's family separation policy.
And in 2024, he allegedly accepted $50,000 from an undercover FBI agents that was hidden in a bag from the Mediterranean fast casual restaurant Cava. So downside, terrorizing families and maybe taking bribes. upside.
He brought hummus. Now that Homeman uh Now that Homeman's in, the old guard is out because reportedly in response to the outrage over Alex Py's murder, the head border patrol thug in Minnesota, Greg Bavino, has lost his job as commander at large. Yeah.
[applause] Another reminder, Greg Bevino has been accused of using racial profiling to round up Hispanic men, women, and children. created an enforcement strategy where officers jump out of unmarked rental vans to ambush immigrant day laborers. And he admitted to lying to justify deploying tear gas against protesters.
As one source described his whole deal, he's a cowboy and it was a mess. Yeah, just like the John Bonjovi song. >> I'm a cowboy.
That's why you're dead. But also I tear gas your mind. >> The only downside to Bino getting yanked from Minnesota is that yesterday we wrote this whole script about how Bavino who's been called little Napoleon is short as hell.
Now, I'll never get to talk about how he looks like a little brother about to play paintball with the sixth graders, [laughter] [applause] or how he can barely see over the steering wheel, or the fact that he got his coat off an American Girl doll. [laughter] Now, [cheering] now Bavino is on his way back to California where he is expected to retire or possibly go back to his former job being the guy that you have to be taller than to ride the log flume. [cheering] Yeah, commander at large.
Commander at large generous generous. You could dunk on. It's not just Greg Bevino in trouble because yesterday Trump held a late night crisis talk with Christine Gnome amid reports that her job is at serious risk.
Why is her hat not big enough? I'm guessing Trump is coming down hard on Gnome because she handled the response to Alex Py's murder with all the grace of a drunk Mr Bean roller skating through a maternity ward. Also, she has been one of Bino's biggest backers at DHS and Nome has been the face of the administration's immigration crackdown.
That face brought to you by Dr Yanuz von Plumpenberg. You know his slogan, I've been to medical school on a boat. All this stress can't be good for the president's health.
Rumors have been swirling about all sorts of medical issues with him. So, the White House uh recently agreed to a Trump interview with New York Magazine titled at Steven Miller's actual request, the superhuman president. Yes, superhuman.
Look up in the sky. It's a bird. It's a plane.
It's Epstein's plane. Remember how he said it was going to release the Epstein files? Where the [applause] >> unfortunately the interview went sideways almost immediately when Trump said this about his father Fred.
At a certain age about 86 87 he started getting what do they call it? Trump pointed to his forehead and looked to his press secretary for the word that escaped him. To which she responded Alzheimer's.
[cheering] Okay. Not a great not a great sign there. And I'm certainly not saying Donald Trump has Alzheimer's, but I feel like he definitely has somers.
The reporter The reporter uh he he pressed Trump on whether he worries about his family's history of dementia. Trump played it cool saying, "I don't think about it at all. " You know why?
Because you already forgot the question. Is that why is that? [cheering] [applause] After he was done defending his questionable brain, he turned to his unrefrigerated hand.
Tropesman saying the bruise is from shaking so many hands. And during the interview, he added a fun new twist, blaming women's fingernails and rings, including one particularly nasty slice that came from a botched high five with Attorney General Pam Bondi. That is dumb.
There's only one possible reason someone's hands should leave you with cuts. I was high-fiving this troubled young man named Edward. Real quiet fella.
Crazy hair, pale face, lives up on a hill, makes beautiful topiary art. I can see I can see why Winona Ryder just loves the fellow. [laughter] Trump and his gaggle of sick offense really uh tried to talk up his physical fitness.
For example, his former doctor, now Congressman Ronnie Jackson, told a story about seeing the president on a treadmill, saying Trump was wearing gym shorts and a t-shirt and quote, "He looked like an athlete for the record. But off the record, have you ever wondered what it would look like if you watched a Clydeale decompose in a hefty bag? [laughter] Now, one thing, one thing paints a picture.
That paints a picture. One thing that makes it hard to believe the story that Donald Trump is the fittest man ever to live is that he keeps falling asleep in public. But Caroline Levit had an answer for that, too.
When the president rests his eyes, he's actually quote actively listening. Sure, that's super believable. Just like that herbal tea mascot, the actively listening bear.
[cheering and applause] He's totally alert. And definitely [applause] he's he's definitely going to remember to put out that fire. So, Trump has not had uh the best week.
He's also facing a lawsuit claiming it's illegal for him to build his big, beautiful ballroom. So this weekend, he posted all of the structural steel, windows, doors, AC, heating equipment, marble stone, pre-cast concrete, bulletproof windows, glass, anti- drone roofing, and much more has been ordered or is ready to be. And there's no practical or reasonable way to go back.
It's too late. Adding stoppage of construction at this late date when so much has already been ordered and done would be devastating to the White House, our country, and all concerned. That's right.
Yes, it is sad. Yes, it's devastating to all concerned. Mother, mother, why are you crying?
Oh, sweet child. [laughter] There's been a construction stoppage on the president's golden brunch venue. Fetch me my shawl, fill my pockets with stones, and roll me into the river.
[laughter] Thank you. I was just Thank you. I'm an actor.
I'm really an actor. [cheering and applause] This is just This is just a gig for a for a decade. [applause] Hi, Carly.
Other members of the Trump family aren't doing much better. The new Melania documentary hits theaters on Friday. It's a uh it's a Oh, no.
No. It looks fantastic. It's a real peak behind the curtain at a woman picking out curtains.
She uh today, was it today she did this? Today she went on the Fox and Friends to hype it up. >> This story was never told before.
So the audience will see me, how I manage my business, uh my philanthropy, family, uh preparation for the inauguration and also establishing the east wing uh for the White House. >> Madame First Lady, I I have some terrible news. Let's just say the East Wing no longer be best or [applause and cheering] or be there.
Amazon bribed a whopping $40 million for the movie and an additional $35 million for marketing, promotion, and distribution. So big box office, right? Wrong.
Social media has been flooded with images of theaters in major cities that haven't sold a single seat. and [cheering] [applause] >> and estimates are that this $75 million movie would make only one or two million in its opening weekend. >> Now, usually to see Trump bomb this hard, you'd have to be on a Venezuelan fishing boat.
We checked. I know. We checked.
And here in New York City, where Melania lived and worked and socialized for decades, in Trump's hometown, on Saturday night of opening weekend at the Regal and AMC Times Square cinemas, there are two 7:30 showings with exactly zero tickets purchased. [cheering] [applause] >> That's the crossroads of the world. It's literally the busiest blocks on the planet.
Zero tickets sold at the AMC. That must be heartbreaking for the first lady. But on the plus side, >> hot break feels good in a place like this.
>> We got a great show for you tonight. [music] My guest is Sam Rockwell and the author George Saunders. [cheering] But when we come back, winter is here.
What does it say? [music] Stick around and find out. >> [music] [music] >> Yeah.
