[Music] hold the door Great It's that guy I only have one thing in common with Hey Peter How about that gay encounter we had god every time with this guy I'm going to take the stairs Oh my god I'm never going to get up these stairs Okay it's all right I do this every week in the opening credits All right let's see How does that go lucky there's a Family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do all the things that make her I swear he says the f- word Everything hurts Everything's wet I'm
just going to stay here Was Labyrinth a good movie i can't remember I don't want to watch it again though Seems like a chore Even Slinky from accounting can make it up the stairs Don't forget to turn in your time card Peter What are You allergic to money no No I want to get paid Just forgot Look at me I haven't felt this out of shape since I took surfing lessons Boy this is harder than I thought My arms are getting really tired No you're fine Just keep going Ty Your positivity is infectious All right
Ptown wave coming in I'm just going to give you a little push You stand up [Music] Okay So welcome to the first meeting of Our women's creative writing workshop ladies Okay Donna you want to read yours oh I didn't do mine Well then you can't have any more snacks You just can't Well I guess it's my turn Louise lowered her velvet hood letting loose her flowing red hair Ignoring her friend's obvious and understandable envy she confidently approached the mysterious castle The doors blew open as if some magical force had been expecting Her Louise belonged here
if only because this is where Horatio called home Then through the vegetation and past the mist that sprinkled her heaving bosom she saw him Horatio with his long flowing hair blowing in a breeze his cape fluttering He had only two loves in his life His horses and Louise's heaving bosom He grabbed her tighter than she'd ever been held before A way in which her husband pulled her had not held her since before they were married Horatio then took Louise by the hand leading her out to his stables as her bosom heaved Louisa's mind was racing
in anticipation of the dirty hay sex that was going to most definitely happen As the two lovers entangled into one top the probably peed on hay Louise's bosom heaved They spent the next 18 minutes fighting off sneezes in the throws of ecstasy Heaving bosom Damn that's steaming Lois Really uh yeah Really anybody mind if I open me Ah see you in the shower ladies What am I going to do i've been here all day and I can't move I got it I'll do what James Franco did in 127 hours UCLA admissions office yes I'd like
to enroll in a couple of classes so I can have sex with girls not old enough to get into bars Peter I heard you're in some trouble I'm stuck I don't want to die here I just want to go to my desk and surf the Internet Hang on Peter I'll come up and save you Stairs Why' it have to be stairs [Music] [Music] i can't do it here You're just going to have to kill me Wait look Joe A lever to turn the stairs into a slide [Music] Damn it Peter It's just a little water
What's it going to hurt oh god Delete history No [Music] No Peter you caused millions of dollars worth of water damage All because you couldn't make it up the stairs Oh man this means I'm the work fatty Haven't been this embarrassed since I forgot about the silent part in George Michael's face I've started using these pills called stiff for hours from the gas station Dog walking into a room There's food left on the table and owners aren't Around Just going to do a little pause on the table Side of the mouth dog eating A stable
affair by Lois Griffin Okay another writer in the house Oh my god this is amazing This is basically a guide to what Lois is looking for in a lover Check this out Lois is writing a romance novel about a woman who is unhappy with her husband and begins to have a torrent affair with a caped lover who has horses Don't you Know what this is it's a description of her every fantasy and desire This could finally be my key to what banging my mom You know you are the worst Oh [Music] ladies Ah you guys
This is so embarrassing All this happened because I'm too fat to make it up some stairs Peter you got to lose weight I know You guys got to help me though I can't do it on my own I'm too weak All right we'll help you Peter But we're doing it Quagsberry rules What's that a woman or in this case a man has to do anything I say No questions asked Anything I promise All right Peter Today we start helping you lose weight First let me just make sure you're not hiding any food in your clothes
Taste Taste Taste the rainbow Peter are you hiding Skittles in your pants is that all of them just Just give me a second When I turned about 40 it started Breaking up into two Weekend plans Please don't talk to me I need to focus Good mororrow What is the uh up to brian is that your horse why did you get a horse oh I've been an equis for a while The play with Harry Potter's penis Just my trusty steed here We have a special connection Me being an equestrianist and everything I had no idea you
were into horses Sexy huh no Seems like a hassle and expensive How do you pay for it all well the costs are meager when you're Able to dominate and control the beast with just the slightest glance Stop it Haha What this is nuts Anyway I've been speaking to my horse in the silent language of knowing and never walk behind a horse You would have to hate horses not to know that Being one with nature a mutual bond of trust Different species same heart You're despicable [Music] Welcome to CrossFit Peter Now how's it different from a
regular gym do regular gyms have open garage doors where members large dogs can charge innocent civilians no I I guess not Okay to start why don't you go meet the owner Jace over there he'll help maximize your nutrition regimen Hi I'm Peter Hey man Jace with a Y Yeah I figured So to start out like uh tell me what's your favorite kind of food Pizza Oh man What you uh you can't eat pizza Why not it's uh it's it's bad Why because uh it's like uh pretty bad for you But what makes it bad oh
yeah No it's like uh like probably one of the worst things you can eat How come uh uh because of like the ingredients in it Which ones uh I mean yeah like basically all of them Name one Yeah I mean you said Your your words pizza All right I'm cutting this off right now It's clear you're an idiot and deserve no more of my time Oh Peter you're home from CrossFit Here have some pizza You know what isn't that It's like It's very bad What uh wow Okay Peter a good and conspicuous workout is to
do lunges on the sidewalk Just do like I do Step Uh-huh Step Uh-huh Step Uh-huh Step Uh-huh Step Uh-huh Step Uh-huh Step Uh-huh Step Uh-huh Step Uh-huh Step Step Uh-huh Step Uh-huh Step Uh-huh Step Uh-huh Step Step Step Step Step Okay Peter Whatever you do don't look down the hole Oh god I looked down the hole Oh I got a sense of what's down there Okay Okay All right You can still save this Just don't smell Oh god I smelled everything Oh it's so deep in my nose Okay Okay Whatever you do do not dip
your cuped hand in the water Oh god I'm doing it Oh god what is wrong with me the chemicals in the water are not breaking down the integrity of these movements Okay Peter you can quit pretending The workout's over Thanks I was just in there checking my phone My phone okay Peter whatever you do do not open your eyes underwater What the hell i thought we were going to get a $10 scoop of ice cream with all The millennials who can afford $10 scoops of ice cream but can't afford to move out of their parents'
house We are But first I need to pick up this wine that Lois mentioned in her story Where is that part about the wine the doors magically opened Chill came over her through the vegetation Light mist Uh Brian everything you read just happened to us I think her book is about the grocery store Oh my god [Music] What it's the guy Horatio from Lois's book She's fantasizing about having an affair with this guy Or who knows maybe even is having an affair with him Excuse me Where are the crackers what we don't work here We're
a dog and a baby I do I do my Do my clothes make it look like I work here i think it's the overalls Yeah Hey get back to work I'll see you back at home Brian I've got to finish my Shift [Music] I don't get it You've gained 12 lbs Looks like we're going to have to take more drastic measures Peter say you're not going to have sex with me What just say it I'm not going to have sex with you Guys let me out of here No You said you would do whatever is
necessary to help you lose weight Please let me out Glenn is it okay if I stay the night Rancor what are you doing here i'm trying to diet too Eating too many pig guys I thought it was the pig guys but you know what it was the bread [Music] I'm so hungry Let me out I tell you what first guy that lets me out gets his own spin-off Not you Cleveland Sorry Peter This is for your own good Yeah you told us you would do anything to lose weight I lied I just want to be
free like a recently divorced man with no kids This is nice This is better [Music] Stewie I can't believe it I mean did you you think Lois could be having an affair with this Horatio guy ryan will you watch Stewie i have to go get groceries I won't be back until later tonight Uh yeah sure Oh my god Stewie She's going to the store and won't be back until tonight Do you know what that means disguises Oh but we should follow her and see what the hell is going on I'll meet you there Brian I've
got to finish my shift [Music] All right Peter Now I know you haven't eaten in a while so this is something called the pocket diet Okay guys empty your pockets Whatever you got in there he eats Uh Glenn can we go somewhere and just talk for a minute guys stop saying things All right I will say the things [Music] Oh my god He's getting in the car He's going in for a hug They're hugging This is insane I know This guy This guy is a star I can't believe it Stewie She picked him up They
hugged Lois is having an affair We've got to stop [Music] them Ah great Just great [Music] Lois don't do it Brian what the hell are You doing here don't do what don't have sex with Horatio It's not worth it What are you talking about look I found your book and read it I thought that you wrote everything you were looking for in a lover And if I could embody some of those things maybe I would have a shot with you But then I found out Horatio was real and and I couldn't bear to see you
do something like this to the family It's not you Lois Wait let me get this straight You without asking read Something I wrote Then thinking I was revealing all my most intimate wants and desires You thought that you could exploit what you read to seduce me But when you thought I might be cheating with someone other than yourself you found that and only that morally objectionable And you bring Stewie here who doesn't understand any of this I predict in the finale everyone can understand me That'll make a good finale right Brian this is Horatio He's
special I know you think he's special No he's special He's learning disabled I like coplay A I'm not having an affair with him Brian I volunteered at the special needs living facility and Horatio happened to like horses So once a week I take him to the stables and the cape is from a Darth Vader costume he had as a kid Did you know he's the boss of the Stormtroopers yes I have fantasies about him Dominating me with his idiot strength But it's just that a fantasy That's why I wrote it in a story because I
knew that I would never act on it I never thought a dog could be such a genuine piece of human garbage Lois I'm truly sorry for what I thought It all just made sense to me at the time but now that I see what it is I'm ashamed of myself I hope you can find it in your heart Hey Bri that was a good girl [Music] Joe and Cleveland are you ready to see your new Peter what do you guys think i don't believe it I'm speechless Hey look It's Jonah Hill sometimes [Music] Wow Looking
good Peter Yes I might want me a little taste of that Oh well Sheila look out Be careful what you ask for cuz you never know I might Are you serious cuz I will do this 100% My wife's in too I'll call her We'll do a whole thing Hey Lois I got a two top Okay she's out but I'm still in Boy I got to admit I feel a little sheepish to get so fooled by a silly little book that Lois wrote Yes but you know I think what we missed in all of this is
that Lois wrote a beginning middle and end to something What have you written lately Brian well nothing But you know I think I think any writer knows how hard it is to be staring at That blank page Sounds like you did write something Your career's obituary Well that's our dog and baby Hi this is Chris Griffin Boy Lois had some amorous adventures this week but you know what really turns me on reading Why don't you get yourself down to library and open up a book here's a few of my favorite books JD Salinger's Catcher in
the Rye The Kiterunner by Ked Hoseni and of course The Dirt by Molly Crew Seriously read the dirt They snort a row Of live ants like cocaine Remember kids a library card is free but knowledge is priceless And get that dirt book [Music] Look at this Brian Genderless baby announcement It's a they Good for they I'm getting my friend a birthday card in Spanish but he doesn't speak Spanish Oh he's not going to know what it says Oh you're bad I know I think I've earned whatever misshapen Reese's product is by the cashier Oh my
god Brian look A Fuzua Balk movie Oh no way You remember last week when I said I wonder what ever happened to Fuzza Boach i do And now this The world's crazy This looks terrible You need to get out of here Brian The urine soaked hairs on the end of your penis are very off-putting to the other customers That's not urine That's saliva Go on Scoot Get out of here or I'll do the cliche pharmacy price check jokes You wouldn't dare Yes I need a price Check on extra small condoms That's the last thing he'd
want to announce Can you believe he threw us out that's discrimination It's just like what happened to those blacks at that Starbucks Those blacks Discrimination is a scourge Stewie It just makes me so angry Well then do something about it You know what i will I'm going to throw a rock at his window Oh hey Carmen Gia I like Those All right here we go Thank you Brian That was the last Munich gunman You're a hero A hero i I guess I am a hero Oh nice Wonderful We are going to throw you the craziest
party Do we have a hot 2 L of closet Pepsi we do And I can bring Planters peanuts that were opened a dozen years ago Perfect And I have half a graduation cake We just have to let Thor Oh my god Peter look at this She actually wore this to an awards ceremony Huh oh yeah Crazy Unreal Peter look Look Peter look Peter flats H flats Look at this picture of Shayen Woodley She's so talented and overrated and weird I love her Isn't a haircut cute maybe I'll get my haircut short too No No way
I forbid it What you can't forbid that Yes I can That's the one thing men are allowed to control about women That and your uterus and how much money you make and also everything else Peter That's stupid It's a fact Lois The only woman that's ever looked good with short hair is Halib Berry's boobs Establishing shot Peter you can't Establishing shot We're here with local hero Brian Griffin who recently foiled a robbery at Goldman's Pharmacy which by the way is getting its ass kicked by the CVS across the street Welcome Brian So what does it
feel like to be a hero well let me say that even though I am a hero you don't have to call me one I'm very comfortable With first responder or if you like veteran So brave How has this incident changed your life it hasn't I'm I'm still the same humble public servant I've always been But there are perks This morning I was honored by a local business Thank you Brian And to show our appreciation you get the first meal at Khog's newest sizzler location Oh no no no no no no no no That's fair Can
you at least read what's on this card sure Sizzler the worst version of your favorite meal So what's next for you Brian well I'll be at Barnes & Noble this afternoon signing copies of Deepac Chopra's Seven Spiritual Laws of Success Well congratulations Brian and thank you for your service Coming up I get all anxious and weird when the new good-looking intern brings me my coffee And here's Jeremy with my go-go juice And my phone's been blowing up since that interview You should hear Some of my voicemails Hello Brian This is Barack Obama not the hobo
who lives at the warf Um you did a good job And I I can't read that I'm proud of you I'm proud of you Thanks for the $2 No way Let's hear the next message Hey Brian It's uh Well it's Shredder Remember me i know it's been a while but I saw you on TV and I was just hoping we could get together I'd love to catch up So uh call me back Oh my god Shredder He sounds like a ski instructor with a full Beard who plays average guitar and never texts me back He's
a dog I used to run with back when I was living on the street Haven't heard from him in years I'm actually surprised he's still alive He just drank all the time and tried to get laid Hard to be friends with someone like that Yes it is You going to see him if I have time Wow the rock boy They're coming out of the woodwork today You're angling your phone so I can't see it Dwayne Johnson Only his friends know That's his real name Still can't see it I'll call him back later [Music] Oh excuse
me sir but this is a private residence Peter it's me I got my haircut Isn't it fun what no Lois It's not fun You look like Anne Hathaway and lay miser Don't you ever compare me to Anne Hathaway Ever You're right You're right I'm I'm I'm sorry With my boobs and your hair everybody's going to think we're a Lesbian couple Why do you want to meet in the park we used to live here I'm assuming he still does [Music] Brian Ha So good to see you What shredder is it really you it's really me I
I I don't What is all this yeah sorry about meeting in the park It's the only place I can land this thing Uh Shredder I think you pinned Tom Cruz under your helicopter I was hanging on I do all my Own stunts I can't stop doing stunts My whole life is a stunt Yeah Yeah we know Hey you want to take a personality test the same answer as always No thank you I'm not going to stop asking I know Good to see you Stewie Good to see you Tiny Tom Cruz Thank you He likes to
have the last word Be well See Bye [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] Shredder I can't get my head around all this It took me a while too Believe me And I go by George Townson now Oh okay George George Townsen You You want me to say both i do You know how Beyonce does the one name thing i do a two name thing It's one more than Beyonce Why don't you take her name out of your filthy whole mouth wow How'd you get all this i worked my ass off I'm a tech entrepreneur I've Written
11 best-selling books And I was the NBC executive who suggested we assault the nation with Chicago themed programming I hear they're working on Chicago Seinfeld What's the deal with the south side of this town don't say it Kramer So Brian do you want to know how I did all this i really do I got neutered But why getting neutered eliminated all distractions and allowed Me to focus solely on my work Sometimes you have to literally cut out the things that hold you back Man with no distractions I could just spend all day in here reading
I love that book Charles Dickens by David Copperfield Writing was his real magic [Music] I just don't understand One minute I got a hot ginger wife and the next I'm married to Ron Weasley Donna wears a wig so I've never even seen her real hair But I would imagine it looks like an old faded sweater that needs to be deep I haven't touched Bonnie's hair in years It's way high up there Well since Lois did something to her appearance that you don't like you should do something to your appearance that she doesn't like Quagmire that
is pathetically shallow and vindictive I love it I'm going to make myself harder to ignore than an amateur photographer Okay this is hilarious So I'm sitting in my office at Work when the fire alarm goes off Um what what what was I saying fire alarm Right Right Right Okay This is so funny So the fire alarm goes off Hey hey friend Friend friend can can you just not not right now where was I fire alarm at work Oh right You know what just forget it The punch line is it was 9/11 Well yeah it's not
funny now Scoot over Stewie George Townsen was wrong and I'm going to prove it I don't Need to get neutered to be productive I'm going to write an inspirational book about my life and I'm calling it the holy bribal Please don't Here we go Blank page World of possibilities And you're watching porn Oh my god Two clicks and I instinctually went right to porn Maybe George Townsen was right Maybe I am easily distracted Oh don't be so hard on yourself It's okay to be easily distracted That's what saved Warren Batty and Annette Benning's Marriage Annette
let's have sex Or you could watch Blue Bloods and have a pudding cup H go get them Blue Bloods [Music] Good evening Lois Oh my god Peter What the hell are you wearing jeans Just jeans You like it no You look like you're going to a custody hearing in Florida Oh really because I think it's a fun look just like your hair Okay I see What you're doing Good So we agree that your haircut is stupid What no I love my haircut Then I love this look As a matter of fact I'm going to add
this free Fandango golf visor I got when I snuck in to see I feel pretty Fine You want a war Peter let's go to war Let's do it Tallahassee family court calls Peter Griffin here your honor Look who's all dressed up I just want Skyler back Tesla Apple SpaceX Kendrick Lamar drone technology Hemingway Wow that was the coolest phone call I've ever heard My life is pretty cool Brian walk with me You know I wish I could spend more time with you today but I'm late for a video conference with Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega Listen
I need to talk to you about something I was thinking about what you said the other day and I think You might be right About what i've always believed I was destined for a life like yours but something was holding me back and now I realize it was two things My balls are the things No I got it George Townsend I want to get neutered I'm proud of you buddy It's going to be great I'll finally be able to beat that guy who fights dirty in my karate class Surprise Now take [Music] this You can't
use a sword Sensei Dan he's using a sword No swords guys [Music] Brian are you sure about getting neuted i am You've seen everything George Townsen's accomplished That's the life I've always dreamed of Yes but how much do you really know about him have you read his books of course I've read his books They changed my life Look Stewie this is a huge step for me And if you Can't support me well then maybe I should cut you out of my life too Brian that's a closet I know I have stuff to do in here
Well nothing left to do but binge watch Ken Burns History of Jazz What [Music] lois what are you doing here did someone die do I get to go home early well Peter since you were having that jeans fun I thought it might be fun to come by and sell some of my homemade jewelry to your Co-workers during lunch What wo you can't do that Once a guy's wife sells something in the break room no one ever looks at him the same Two years ago Bentley's wife made him hang a signup sheet to sponsor her in
an AIDS walk and we've hated him ever since Don't look at me Bentley Well Peter all you have to do is say you like my hair cut and I'll leave Never Suit yourself Everyone I'm Peter Griffin's wife I took a jewelry making Class last month with a group of preschool moms and now I'm going to do it as a career Hey you want a half of my sandwich oh yeah Very cool Bentley who made this my wife Oh you your wife with AIDS she didn't have AIDS She did a walk for people with AIDS But
presumably there were people who had AIDS at the walk Yeah but you can't get Yeah it's a no on the sandwich Bentley greetings Lois Oh my god Peter you're Going to make me vomit I'm just getting in some size That's what I call exercise now Size Oh god Peter please put that thing in the garage and change your clothes Oh I'd be happy to Lois But I'm not doing it because you said I'm doing it because of the mean seventh graders who have been chucking footballs at me all day There he is Let's get that
fat dork I'm home Home is safe Home is safe I see you found all of George Townsen's Books That was fast Yep Got my own system I call it the Stewie decimal system Stewie you're going to make me spit out my saltwater taffy [Laughter] Oh my god Brian's in trouble Stewie I've got to have you around here more often Oh I think you'll find me here periodically There's homeless sperm on this [Music] Where are the glasses i moved them What why i moved everything All the glasses the bowls the plates Nothing is where it's been
for the past 17 years Nothing I'm going to become a DJ I'm going to hire a life coach I'm going to make one political donation with your email address so you'll be screwed for life I'm going to rededicate my life to Christ Oh that's really bad I'm going to start a podcast that has no focus and it'll take up an inordinate amount of Time I'm going to constantly complain about my fibromyalgia You don't have fibromyalgia No one does Every time a waiter tells me their name I'm going to use it I'm going to get really
into Halloween Like really into it Gross I'm going to wear a denim shirt with the Looney Tunes guys embroidered on it to church every Sunday [Music] So what do you think of my haircut now it's ugly I hate it [Music] How you feeling buddy good Nervous but strangely excited I haven't been totally honest with you I was never neutered But you're about to be What no Save me Sensei Dan No neutering guys [Music] Why are you doing this what did I do to you that was so bad you abandoned me You promised we'd be there
for each other forever Then the minute Peter Griffin came along you just got in his car and Left me I was going to come back and get you and and then and then Trump happened and and all that Liar I've wanted to cut your balls off for years But the fact that you're choosing to do it yourself is so much more satisfying But I'm not choosing to do it myself I love my balls They smell awful [Music] Stay back Stewie We You saved me Oh well almost What is it oh my god they got one
Or you Still have one maybe you should be a scrotum half full guy How did you know what he was doing i read his book There is no greater motivation than the destruction of an enemy And my enemy is Brian Griffin One day I will convince him to cut off his own balls And that will be my greatest accomplishment You said his books changed your life But you didn't even read them This is why you're nothing I'm sorry Okay Yes I abandoned you and I didn't go back to find you I'm A bad friend I
admit it But did you ever think that you should be thanking me thanking you for what for everything you have Your hatred for me is what motivated you your whole life Without me none of this would have been possible I made you You've already got one of my balls Isn't that enough you know what Brian it is enough You'll probably keep it in a trophy case or something Oh no I ate it already Dogs Are gross Thank you Stewie You really saved me My pleasure Brian Well the good news is we can give you a
prosthetic The bad news is it's one of the bells from a jester's hat There's no brain activity so we're going to harvest his bells We understand Why did the king have to hit him so hard [Music] so anyone want to ask me about my week kind of a big week for the Megster Big envelope in the mail Yep Early admittance Day one August 26th Clean slate Closing credits Congratulations on Bowden Meg Closing credits Oh we're done [Music] We now return to the Today Show with Matt Lowour sadly looking in the window First up Rachel Ray
will be here to help us with a simple Christmas recipe Can I come back now then Al will be in to get you ready with your Christmas travel weather You guys still sore at me we Also share your best tweets about family visitors I thought about what I did That looks heavy Well dragging a bin full of decorations down the stairs while repeatedly yelling in front of my children means only one thing It's Christmas time Yeah Lois I knew it was Christmas a week ago when the O in the Pornhub logo became a wreath Same
Nice Listen there's a lot of work to be done to make this place look festive And unlike most years where I do everything This year I want you all to help with the Christmas chores Come on Lois You know the deal around here We split everything zero 100 like most couples And I also have another request I'd like to finally get a present from the heart this year Not just some defective clothing item Peter got on clearance at Marshalls But you love the Rolling Stones Now to make sure you don't forget your chores I made
you each a list and I want all of these completed by tomorrow Sorry I can't do chores My trick elbow is acting up Is that your card no Oh boy It's worse than I thought [Music] Why are we doing our Christmas shopping at the strip mall cuz we ran out of gas out front You got to get that gas gauge fixed Look Chris did you want the gas gauge fixed or did you want a year of Quibby the gas gauge i'm sure we can find everything on mom's list here It doesn't look so bad If
this place Doesn't have Baby Yoda toys I swear to God I'll probably buy something with Spider-Man on it Okay guys Now before you can shop at a strip mall you have to use the freestanding ATM that's chained to a pole and not affiliated with any known bank Good It's taken an extra long time to read the card and probably stealing the number Select yes to pay $15 fee No brainer Perfect Now I can't read the screen cuz the glare is so bad and it's Not giving me my card back Hello Yes this is Peter Griffin
Not anymore well thanks for telling me Look there's a card and nice paper store Let's go walk around it slowly and let out tiny farts H nice thick card stock Ah yes That's a very bright white Ooh Sentry Gothic font Miss this store is for tiny farts only There's a lids next door for that sort of thing Welcome to the strip mall H&R Block Yes I'd like to do my taxes How much does H charge $59 How much does R charge $59 Does R know H has a side thing going with M h and M
I don't know what you're talking about Is H back from lunch yet sorry He said he was held up with a client You were with M again weren't you what no I wasn't Then why are you wearing a designer looking shirt at a fraction of the cost maybe I wanted to get caught I told you what I'd do if I ever caught You cheating This is on you Why why what's up i was just taking a pee Someone call Sometimes they let me write my own skits [Music] We now return to CBS This Morning with
Charlie Rose sadly pressed against the window Coming up this morning Christmas came early for a group of first graders in Southbend Indiana You guys still cross with me Hey how was the big day of sh Wait where's all the Christmas stuff ah yeah about that I can't believe this Bryant where's Stewie elf on the shelf meg where's the twinkling lights I asked for peter where's the Christmas tree we don't even have a tree I'm sorry Lois I got it all out of control Don't you worry about a thing I'll be right back [Music] Peter you
did get a tree Oh it's beautiful I sure did Lois because I love You and I love this family Oh Peter Peter Hey Peter hey Peter Griffin what the hell is going on here huh what oh yeah I was going to go get all the Christmas stuff but then I fell asleep rubbing one out to Madonna's Santa baby in the car By the way tonight's date night is canled due to lack of interest Peter you were all supposed to take the weight of the holidays off my shoulders for once and You failed You all failed
Brian you're supposed to be responsible Bad dog bed Damn it And who got candy cane all over the couch you know what i've had it every year My cousin asked me to come to Carbo for Christmas Well this year I'm going You're all going to see how hard it is to make Christmas happen around here without me I am packing my bags and I'm out of here You're getting divorced no I'm just leaving for a few days and Ruining the Christmas You're ruining Christmas by suing the city over holiday decorations No I'm just leaving my
family for the holidays You're doing death jokes no no one's doing deaf jokes Well I can't hear so I don't know See not doing them What i don't know I think we I think I think we are doing deaf jokes at this point I can't believe mom went to Cabo and left us alone for Christmas What are we going to do well I'll tell you the first Thing we're going to do We're going to delete all of her pretentious crap off the DVR I want to be the one to delete The Crown She never watched
them She just had them Do it son Well well well The Crown How the tables have turned Remember this face the one that wanted to watch Modern Family well payback's a [ __ ] Delete Are you sure you want to delete the crown yes Do you understand that it's really good yes Are you sure it will impress your friends Except you Understand that we change the cast every season Acknowledge Come on It's the crown It's history Don't care You are not allowed to delete the crown We now return to the crown myself in fighting I
actually kind of love it Me too It's cuz I'm trash and I love how fancy it is Dad this doesn't help with Christmas Yeah we're screwed Who's going to decorate who's going to cook Christmas dinner okay calm down Now I know your Mom's gone and we're a little worried but daddy's got a plan All right everybody go outside and kneel face first in front of Daddy's big pre-dug hole Come on Peter We can do this All right plan B I take two pills I got after my root canal and listen to [Music] records Huh not
too bad First of all these are really good binoculars Second this was a great plan Watching the family fall apart without Me is better than combo Look at them I'll get a phone call any minute begging me to come back and save Christmas But in the meantime it's time for a little relaxation Welcome to the Cohog Motel the winner of Trip Advisor's award for best in room stationary to write your suicide note on Yeah this is going to work Now all I have to do is lie here and wait like a cobra Cobra party of
one Yes that's me And would you like me to bring your Drink from the bar uh yes I have no hands [Music] All right time to put up the 2020 Christmas decorations First ethnically accurate Jesus goes right here next to Father Mary and Mother Josephine followed closely by the three genderless wise people on their bird scooters Ted Nataro for some reason and of course the little drummer them because God forbid we call a boy a boy Dad what are you Think i don't like what the world is I'm white When's it going to be our
turn peter relax How am I supposed to relax christmas is tomorrow and that woman who normally does everything had to go help her sick aunt or something You mean Lois i don't know The red head with a voice Yeah she usually hangs up these stupid Christmas lights and these stupid Christmas wreaths and the white wire reindeers that look like ghosts Dad [Music] look Oh my god it's perfect Hello Yeah merry Christmas Um listen Peter can you turn down those lights i'm in bed with a three and um extra light is not her friend Oh my
god Stewie doesn't have a jacket on but other than that Peter's done it Yeah Oh you're going to get it You like it rough don't you oops Wrong room Sorry we're excited My wife just killed herself [Music] [Music] What the hell they've never had a front yard family snowball fight when I was there Oh and now the local news is there Hello I'm Tom Tucker This just in Husband does what wife normally does Kama makes headlines Come on you can't be out Look at Quackmaya trying to sneak that three out of his house Now they're
standing hand in hand It's Like they've never been happier Wait what's Peter saying i love you They better not say it back Also in distorted slow motion to emphasize my horror I love you too Dad That's it There's only one thing to do I must put an end to this whole thing I must stop Christmas [Music] Hey what do you think this is a lids lids come get a camouflage Nick's hat and let one rip Find us in the corner of the mall where all the lights are going on and off [Music] Thanks for the
ride and your unsolicited racial theories I'm telling you is the Turks every time Merry [Music] [Applause] [Music] Christmas And now to have ruined Christmas Who left all these dirty dishes out okay much better I'm not even going to think about the grocery situation Okay ruin Christmas Here we go Don't even care if they transferred the wet clothes from the washer to the dryer Oh you see eggs I know it I know it [Music] Santa Claus why are you taking our Christmas tree why are you in pigtails in a little girl's night gown okay Okay Maybe
we both forget what we [Music] saw God I hate being alone during the holidays Wait Hello Joan My name is Glenn Quagmire I'm just calling to see if I have a payment due on my Discover card What no I'm not alone on Christmas I'll Have you know I'm actually here with my very large family Well prove it by telling you my children's real names that don't sound like I made them up in a panic Uh uh Blofus and Clint Look there's kids Okay Oh wait You don't believe me blofus That vase was irreplaceable Oh boy
Joan I'm going to have to let you go Wait You think I was the one who knocked over that vase how dare you madam now Clint's acting up Don't have Kids Joan It's a big mistake Merry Christmas Merry Christmas everybody Hey what happened Peter i I think we've been robbed I can't believe it They stole the presents They stole the decorations They even stole our tree I want my presents Okay let's just settle down Everybody kneel in the backyard in front of Daddy's big pre-dug hole You know Peter this never would have happened if you
hadn't gotten rid of that Ring doorbell camera Ah someone crapped on the porch Again I'm checking the footage Whoever it was probably had no choice It's my guess Their family was probably using all the bathrooms That's probably what happened Whoever did [Music] that We now return to Tony Bennett's Half Asleep Christmas Spectacular A jingle jingle jingle jingle bell Tony [Music] la coming up on Tony Bennett's half Asleep Christmas spectacular a duet with Willie Nelson I'm back from Mexico and definitely not cost plus world market Welcome back Lois I cleaned and got groceries but I'm afraid
we have bad news We've been robbed Robbed on Christmas Oh my god I go away for one Christmas and everything goes down the drain All of you must feel so terrible Well we did until we realized there was one present we still had There is yeah Mom Yours Remember how you said you wanted a gift from the heart this year well we all got you something We kept it upstairs because we didn't think you'd be here for Christmas Oh well that's nice We really made a point to stay on top of the dishes while you
were gone Here you go Mom It's from all of us Read the card first We put Brian's name on it but he's just the dog Dear Mom we're sorry we disappointed you this Christmas We know you put a lot of Hard work into making Christmas memorable We love and appreciate everything you do We'll never let you down again That you can count on Wow that that's really nice There's more in the back Oh you see having a mom is not something we take for granted because you only get one and the one we have is
perfect in every way We love you It's beautiful you guys Now use this black light to read what we wrote in invisible ink while This is Us's sad Stuff's about to happen acoustic guitar players Mom from the very start you've always been there for us And we know you've always supported us and would never do anything to let us down or hurt us Thanks for making every Christmas so memorable We love you so much Mom Oh god I'm going to [Music] cry And look up in the sky Ah we should have read that one first
Now open your present [Music] Wow What is it it's a bowl we all made for you in a pottery class A denim shirted lesbian named CJ helped us It's It's beautiful And what happened next well in Kohhog they say Lois's heart grew three sizes that day Never seen anything like it Very dangerous She's lucky to be alive Thank God you're okay We love you Mom Best Christmas ever The medical Emergency distracted the family from her crimes She never did confess Instead the Griffin's Muslim neighbor was arrested for the break-in Lois said nothing and the man
was deported back to Turkey See what I tell you always Turkey [Music] Well it's good to have you back Lois If I kept having to wash dishes and buy groceries I was going to go crazy Okay So Mom who are these cousins you were in Mexico with oh you know just my cousins Which ones yeah Mom Prove it by telling us cousin names that don't sound like you made them up in a panic Of course I can do that My good close cousins Blofus and Clunt In fact I think I hear them upstairs right now
Blofus Clunt Oh no Blue Face not Meg's diarama project which is due tomorrow Oh no Clint that was Stewie's aquarium with the fish you have to feed so damn much and they basically always Die anyway Freaking Clunt man Blow put down Peter's pills that came in a discrete box Got to go Blowface [Music] Happy Halloween kids Happy Halloween Look it's Matt Foley from Saturday Night Live I don't know who that is I just came from a meeting at work Oh good Peter you're home You can help me pass out candy Sorry Lois I have to
go do a dangerous speedball and become the least Surprising death in Hollywood history Happy Halloween Meg Wow Mayor West that's some costume Well thank you kindly It me Borat You know from that picture Borat you ever seen it yeah that movie came out like 15 years ago Well I'd never heard of it but it was just about the funniest thing I'd ever seen Anyway have a good evening My wife this is my costume Come on put in some effort guys Just cuz you showed up Doesn't mean you get an apple Apple we're here for candy
Kill yourself There's a lot of sugar in an apple If you saw the numbers you'd be shocked Trick or treat Wow that's the first Frozen I've seen in 35 seconds Oh my god I love your pilot costume Thank you I'm actually John Travolta walking into my backyard airport in Florida to fly a passenger jet all by myself That's right I'm just a regular guy Your daughter's adorable Oh she's not my daughter She's My niece My sister and her husband ran into someone having an adult Halloween party and didn't have an excuse ready Oh I'm so
sorry Yeah it was really tough for them But I said earlier I'm not going to cry so I'm not going to cry And hi my name's Carrie Hi Carrie My name is Glenn It's really nice talking to you Glenn You too Carrie Hey Candy Hey Brian Check it out This might be my biggest Candy score ever Probably thanks to my killer Costume What are you dressed as i'm the Oh my god reaction gif And people get that Yeah Everyone's dressed as gifts Ain't that right Pup [Music] wow this place is great Glenn Yeah they can
really microwave eggs here You know I'm so glad you trick-or-treated at my house I finally found someone I could just say names from succession with I mean oh my god Kendall Kendall and Shiv Love Shiv And what about Roman yes And Logan Oh Logan Oh look at that dog Yeah Who brings a dog to a coffee shop i love dogs Without letting me pet it Come here you dog Isn't he so sweet ah good boy Yay My hand smells like you now Oh I'm so happy you're a dog person I don't think I could be
with someone who doesn't love dogs as much as I do Yeah it's great We like the same things as soon as you say what you like So what kind of dog do you have uh uh what kind of dog um you know I I've never noticed I I'm I'm more attracted to his spirit Oh they're so special And you know what's right around the corner the strip club where they spit in your face No the dog park for our next date We should bring our dogs there Next date Absolutely Oh and Cousin Greg Cousin Greg
Cousin Greg [Music] Phew that tummy time was killer Totally blasted my core But I think that earns me a little treat What the deuce this Bag was full last night and now half of it's gone Oh my god I've been [Music] robbed Robert check the jewelry box See if anything's missing An engagement ring Oh Haha Very funny But not the time to have this conversation We've been burgled It looks like they only stole some of my Halloween candy but they're not going to get away with this Like the fat man when he plays Clue Okay
The murderer was Don't care with a this game sucks in the I regret having children clue You got someone pregnant 9 years ago so now you have to play this [Music] Thanks for coming with me Peter I need a dog for my date but I don't know the first thing about him No problem Quagmire But just know I'm going to spend most of the time here finding the courage to hold an iguana Here he is I'm not sure I'm ready Uh excuse me How much is that one oh he's a purebred bjon freeze So he's
$1,500 for a dog Um and and what's your return policy is it like full money back within 10 days sir if you're not interested I have to comb feces out of the guinea pig's hair with a wet paper towel Go ahead You can touch him It's dry Sorry we couldn't get you a dog Come on in We'll have however many beers it takes to forget how depressing the Shelter was I'll go get those aforementioned beers Thanks Word a day calendar Oh hey Quagmar I mean there he is Brian the dog What's going on here why
are you using my full name all right let's cut to the chase I like chases Okay look I'm seeing this woman and there's something different about her I mean it's not just that the sex is great which it is but I appreciate her as a person which sounds Kind of weird coming out of my mouth Anyway I told her I have a dog so would you pretend to be my dog well well well Well well well well well well Brian come on I'm serious Will you help me out glenn Quagmire there are not enough tennis
balls in the world for me to I have six I'll do it [Music] Thanks for doing this Brian And remember Just act like a normal well- behaved non-talking dog Non-talking yeah just bark and stuff Bark jeez it's been a while Let me give it a try Brack Brack what the hell is that i'm finding it Damn it Brian I knew you were going to screw this up for me I thought you wanted to help Help i'm not doing this because I want to help I'm only doing this so I can have a front row seat
when you crash and burn Okay first of all it's incredibly insensitive to say crash And burn to a pilot And second how dare you how dare you Brian the dog you know I'm right You're going to get tired of the sex and then you'll move on to the next one Oh cuz you know everything right well you're wrong Brian Okay shut up Here she comes Hi Glenn This is Dexter A And who's this little guy uh uh this is Harvey named after Weinstein Uh cuz you can see his balls when he answers the door I
may be dating myself but in the '9s the funniest thing you Could do was show people your balls Can Can you start talking now please sorry I couldn't hear you cuz my dog was licking my ear Oh thank God Uh this is my dog Bob Weinstein He's man's best friend because he's very good at keeping quiet Do you mind if I take 5 minutes in the parking lot this is Spot All right Robert When the thief comes back for the rest of my candy he'll have to deal with my latest Invention Hey Stewie What do
you help somebody help me I won't survive on the inside Thief I've caught you Chris Stewie get off I haven't been stealing your candy Dad has the fat man He did the same thing to me when I was younger The only way to keep him away from it is to hide it And that's why I'm here I'm going to help you Really you do that for me of course Stewie We're family We look out for each other like the people on Succession Well don't leave me hanging like that Throw out a name Tom Oh Tom
can you believe Tom [Music] carrie's going to be here soon Can you give me a hand getting this cat stuff out of here where is your cat anyway i don't know No cat owner knows where their cat is Okay but I I still don't know why you're going through all this trouble I mean you're just going to bail And leave her in the dust Hey how's your son Brian whoa What happened to Defcon 4 three and two okay she's here Get off the couch Who is it it's the purge We're here to beat you up
Coming up one pizza with alternative crust Oh yummy yummy Alternative crust pizza is really good Brian You can't taste the difference What aren't you lying to yourself about okay you want to know the truth Brian Brian the dog I love her You hear me love This is priceless Haven't had this much fun since I went to that graveyard Yeah How do you like how this sounds huh try cleaning up this mess while you burn in hell Peter you ready to go almost But what do you mean you don't like that just try it Maybe you
will Thanks again for having us over Lois Everything was so delicious Oh my pleasure Carrie Yeah I've got to say Glenn I've never seen you this happy Before Well then you've never seen me at my best before And it's all thanks to Carrie Oh not at the dinner table I'm sorry Peter I just can't help myself I'm crazy about this woman Huh [Music] will you marry me what's this now oh my god Glenn Yes Yes of course I'll marry you M masletov Masletove Where did that come from from marvelous Mrs Masleto You You should know
that Lois [Applause] [Music] Engaged Oh come on Quagmire You're killing me man Babe babe please babe please stop crying Look every couple needs to take things at their own speed It doesn't mean I love you any less Okay look how about we look at rings this weekend i I don't know Zales probably Well that's what we can afford since only one of us has a job I'm I'm sorry I'm sorry I I'm sorry I didn't mean that Why don't you join me for dinner he said ruining his [Music] life There he is the bridegroom to
be That's right the very happy bridegroom to be singing to himself Deep Oh come on Give it up You're out of moves Checkmate Hi honey We're home Will you help me move in his dog food like we're preparing for a flood dexter eats all this Not just Dexter but Dexter and all his rescue brothers and sisters Oh my god How many are there h enough to do a slow pan with music from Airplane [Music] Is it Is that one just a back half oh back seat Yeah she's a fighter Well maybe she should stop fighting
Okay I'm going to go bring in all their meds and then I'll set the 19 different feeding alarms on your phone Shut up I didn't say a word I'm just I'm Just thrilled you're getting all the happiness you deserve I am happy Parade magazine says owning a dog is the secret to having a happy life You read Parade Magazine if you know a better magazine for ordering plates with people's faces on them I would like to hear about it Hey babe was the Princess Diana plate important brian can you hand me that parade magazine that
envelope that stamp and that checkbook thank you Who are we waiting for Chris i called in some professionals They're going to take us somewhere Dad will never find your candy And where's that i can't say There are ears everywhere Good morning Mr Feldman Morning Chris Couldn't help But over here you're off on a little trip Never mind about that Mr Feldman See I could hear that Get in You know I should really be in a backwards facing car seat They're now saying kids through eight should at least be in a booster seat You have any
kids don't make small talk with these guys No no he's all right It's nice to have someone ask for a change Yes I have four children All dead Ah Well here we are Quick hide your candy in the tree Is this all backyard yes but we couldn't take a chance of being [Music] followed Son of a I'm pinching and Lifting [Music] Hey if you're making coffee I'll have uh Whoa kind of a mess in here It's fine Everything is fine I'm happy and in love Damn it Brian Did you leave the doggy gate open no
No No Stop it Pepe you're allergic to Frankie's food Malcolm stop humping your brother Backseat outside Babe can you give me a hand moving my furniture all around the room until I Find a place I like for it kind of in the middle of something babe Ah the 7hour itch Shut up Brian Why don't you go for a walk no no no no no Walk No walk No no We're not going for a walk Got to stop saying walk I said walk again and there again Honey I want to make a stir fry tonight Have
we unpacked the walk no no no W K W She said walk She said walk She said [Music] walk My candy It's all gone Even my West Hollywood candy My Twix bar My very Milky Way My Reese's penis Who's done this to me who's taken candy from a [Music] baby well we did it Cheers We sure did Chris Cool iguana He's dry I named him Arid Thank you Word a day calendar travel edition Just met some of Carrie's friends They are very excited for her Yeah they should be Well they should be and they are
Anyway expectations are high Thank you everyone for coming to our engagement party and an extra thanks to my airline buddies for organizing it Uh folks our party time tonight is 2 hours and 48 minutes We know you have lots of choices for terrible weekend activities and we hope to see you soon on an inconvenient weekend for their destination wedding which I hear is on a Thursday in Lisbon Portugal That's so far Yep Yep It's been wonderful meeting all of Carrie's family and friends I Only wish you were all wearing name tags Isn't he adorable my
expectations are high You know I first met Carrie and her niece a couple of weeks ago on Halloween Thank God they decided to take that walk And now we're headed down the aisle A very different kind of walk And Carrie if I may borrow a line from our favorite song I would walk 500 miles Damn Isn't he adorable oh he loves those dogs I'm hearing a lot of good things about That guy That's it Glenn are you okay no I'm not okay I thought I could do this but I can't I've been lying to you
and I've been lying to myself There's something you need to know I hate dogs Ah this party has begun its initial descent That's not even my dog That's Brian my neighbor's dog He can talk Brian say something Brack bite me Glenn I can't believe this So you don't like dogs that's fine but you didn't have to Lie and put me through all of this Goodbye Glenn Uh folks please use caution as you exit the party as some of your feelings may have shifted Well well well Save it Brian I'll concede that you were right But
you know what so was I Dogs are the worst And I'm coming for you Brian the dog Maybe not today Maybe not tomorrow but one day Maybe tomorrow And when that day comes you're going to say "Oh Glenn got me good." Now if you'll excuse me I Need to take a walk Black Oh no Stay You're coming back though right hey Brian I was just over talking to Quagmire and he thought you might want to take a look at my new screenplay Oh I I don't really Uh it's called Oceans 1 Between you and me
I can't believe nobody's done it before To say nothing of Oceans 2 through 7 Yeah I I could uh take a look Sure It's a little long right now It's about 430 pages I have my All is lost moment on page 389 thereabouts Quagfire Now if and you don't know most Hollywood screen plays wrap up in around 110 pages And if and it's a comedy well you want it in the '9s Anyway they said I could have these last few seconds to mention something near and dear to me So men don't be afraid to have
the doctor put a camera up your old saddle masher They knock you out now and it's a good way to make sure there's no bad beans in your Mess wagon We hope you've enjoyed the Family [Music] Guy Good evening I'm Tom Tucker Our top story doing laundry and drinking beer I'm sorry Doing laundry and drinking beer Cohog welcomes Duds and Suds a new laundromat that serves beer So if you want a drink and watch your kid's teacher wash his only pair of pants get on down there Oh cool We should go Nothing better than putting
on a warm Diaper right out of the dryer [Music] Ah I'm okay Let's go again Shut up Shut up What's the problem what day is it wednesday Aka the one day a week I have independent study first period and get to sleep in Don't shut up Stewie When I was over visiting grandma and grandpa humiliating myself to ask them to keep paying for your preschool I know you don't understand me but I understand you I found Chi-Chi He's like your doll Reuben I know I know I know you called Joanna Joanne the other day It
happens He was always very special to me Now I want him to be very special to you What is she even talking about toy Toy Oh Oh Toy Uh Well why didn't you say so yay Toy Yay Toy Shut up I'm so sorry Chris I forgot it was Wednesday Oh sorry Where are my matters chi-chi This is Ruben Robert Rupert I I meant I meant Rubbert You know that [Music] I know it's not ideal that he's here but I can't just throw him out Lois would be crushed She has like nothing in her life Of
course I saw his Bible That's the first thing I saw [Music] Hey check it out You and Peter have the same undies What are you talking about he just wears run-of-the-mill Hannes Yours aren't Hannes No mine are planes All pilots wear them Look at that Planes The perfect underwear for unexpected Wind shear Is that like farts yes that's like farts Oh hello Doug Can I sit here i don't care My stop is next I assume you're taking us to the end of the line out to the land of cheap rents and tracked housing My stop's
pretty soon too What's on your shoes oh these are called laces I doubt you've ever heard of them Mr Velcro I know about laces I've just never seen black ones Jeez why are you always such a dick thanks one to No one Where did you learn that that's great I'm sorry I'm sorry that that wasn't about you I I'm just There's There's stuff going on at home I'd love to hear about it though Fair warning I know little of lower middle class plight It's just this new stuffed monkey Chi-Chi making waves with my old stuffy
I keep trying to get rid of the monkey but my mom keeps finding him and I can tell you're bored Far from it Stewie I feel for you That actually sounds like What I'm going through with Miss Tiggywinkles Really yeah It's really wearing on me Hey I just had a crazy idea We might be able to help each other out How's that think about it Two fellas meet on a train and do each other's murders I kill Chi-Chi You kill Miss Tiggywinkles Nobody could ever connect us to the crimes Crisscross You've got yourself a deal
Great Well this is my stop No no no You Can't You can't That's hot lava Whoa that was close [Music] Good Goody morning everyone Lois can I see you in the other room for a second sure All right Peter what would you like for breakfast chocolate chip pancakes Lois can I see you any other room for a second so what did you want uh want waffles yeah sure Lois can I see you in the other room for a second I couldn't perform a third time so we just read [Music] Morning beautiful I had the Uber
guy sleep outside so he's ready when you're ready [Music] But first a dump so long I will be able to read everything Garfield ever wrote John morning Captain Quagmire Hey did you know if this plane was a wiener we'd be The wiener's eyes hello this is your captain speaking from the uh cockpit A lot of penis stuff from you today Quiet You don't talk Now please enjoy this in-flight music I brought with me from my glove compartment Everybody's heard about the bird The [Music] bad Guess I'll go for my walk and leave Chi-Chi all alone
[Music] Wow How far is it from up here [Music] [Applause] [Music] good night Moon Oh god Stewie is so basic [Music] Oh my god he did it Oh no I've been out all morning with lots of witnesses and now this Chris help For God's sake right now So I was out on my walk with Jane Ali P and Ally Art Both got disastrous haircuts yesterday Obviously that stays In this room And I just came in and found Chi-Chi like this Stewie do you know what day it is it's the next Wednesday I believe you're aware
of my Wednesday schedule First period independent study Oh so you are And do you remember what I like to do during first period independent study sleep Sleep Oh you're a quick study Brass your alarm is going off I know [Music] All right time to murder Miss Tiggywinkles I've never been invited to Doug's before Whoa chalkboard wall No way The only limitation is my imagination So fun Stay right here Miss Ticky Winkles Douggee will be home soon to [Music] play Beat it You don't want to see what I'm about to do to Miss Tiggy Winkles Oh
my god I can't read [Music] Here you go Miss Tiggywinkles Miss Tiggy Winkles is a real cat You know what i can do this [Music] I can't do it I can't kill a cat Unless you were in the movie musical with Rebel Wilson I can't do it We now return to Baywatch All right there he is The reason our lawn looks like it has leopard skin pants What's up with you lately you've been acting really weird all of a sudden All of the sudden Brian I think what you mean is All of a sudden Ladies
and gentlemen that's the author in the house What's your problem why are you being such a jerk to me my problem with you let's see Where do I begin you accept food clothing and shelter yet no responsibilities You constantly want to sleep with my wife who is an angel Oh and the hypocrisy You claim to be an ally to women but I bet you don't even know Nancy Pelosy's official title Sure I do She's uh Chuck Schumer's secretary Forget it Brian Now can you strap me to this milking table my wife will be home soon
Stewie Griffin do you want to tell me why you didn't hold up your end of the bargain with Miss Tiggy Winkles seriously maybe because you failed to mention she was a real living cat Hey I killed your monkey Don't you see how that's different we had a deal No I know Oh I I but I just I I don't I don't think Boy this is really going to hurt Your reputation with my kindergarten friends You have kindergarten friends oh yeah I let them throw pine cones at me all the time But now I'm going to
have to tell them you welched on me Kindergarteners hate Welchers Kindergarteners eh you know what i'll do it Good choice Dewey Hey maybe after all this is done I I could get kindergarteners throwing pine cones at me Whoa slow down champ They start you at driveway pebbles Ah Brian just the man I was hoping to see You don't like cats do you hate them Sit Three of Lois's sweaty jogging bras Have I really been that good of a boy it depends I got a cat problem You get rid of my cat this is all yours
Done Go ahead boy Yeah she ran fast because Bonnie was watching What happened to you i'm not really sure I was in line at the bank and this Humansized chicken cut in front of me Well I wasn't going to let that stand I had a weird day too I asked like seven people if they were going to watch the SpaceX launch and I I don't even know what that is You two are both acting very strange and I think I know what it is He's wearing your underwear and you're wearing his How do you know
that well you know when some people go blind their other senses are heightened Uh when I lost my legs I gained a sense of Underpants What are you talking about we didn't switch underwear Are you sure about that stand up and let Jojo flip your taggies Turn around Butt to butt Pains Planes What the hell we must have accidentally grabbed the wrong ones at the laundromat Oh so your boys were where his boys were and your boys where were his boys were Oh my god Hey what are you guys talking about peter and Quagmire exchanged
Underwear H classic Me i don't wear underwear I just wear trunks Tree guy That'll hit you when you're driving home Hey look at this table What are you guys talking [Music] about oh hey I I uh I didn't I didn't know you take out trash too Yeah I I uh only on trash days No right Of course Yeah Yeah No I'm sorry I I not sure what to say I know It's Awkward I thought things would go back to normal after we traded underwear yesterday I'm going to have Lois cancel our dinner plans with you
and I tomorrow I I I think it's too soon Hey you don't think the guys are talking about us do you no I don't think so Oh my god I still can't believe they wore each other's underwear Like can you imagine i know right like icky times a thousand Hey this is crazy But what if we wore each other's underwear just for a joke What no that's a terrible idea Yeah just just joking He's so stupid Can I be done now [Music] okay you go in there kill Miss T and we'll sneak out the back
You need a weapon or anything she's a cat I'm a dog I'm good [Music] It went poorly Thanks again for having us over Lois Zesty Italian Oh I I just couldn't Not this close to bedtime You said you were going to cancel dinner I have zero control in my marriage Oops I dropped my role which is not at all an invitation for Peter to have an under the table conference Darn things always coming off Excuse me for one moment won't you why did you do that you dropped all the bread What was I supposed to
do okay that makes sense So I went to the underwear doctor and you should probably Get checked They say when you wear someone's underwear you're also wearing the underwear of everyone whose underwear they've worn I can't believe this I thought I knew you Glenn Quagmire Here I go again filling up on ears What's going on here you two you're being very rude Lois spent all day over cooking this meal We accidentally wore each other's underwear I can't believe you wore each other's undies This is hysterical Shut up Oh It's not even Wednesday It's Tuesday night
That's part of it Guys this isn't funny Relax Peta It's no big deal You don't get it Oh quit being so dramatic Ladies switch underwear all the time I might be wearing Bonnie's right now I don't even remember While that is super sexy and being stored for later is very different for guys That's not true Male friends can be more intimate than they used to And the lines of sexuality are more fluid than ever And people aren't So quick to judge or label Please stop Masculinity just doesn't account for stuff like this Look guys can
share laughs and beers but we don't share feelings emotions or underwear Between male friends there's no coming back from this He's right I'm afraid our relationship is on the skids Maybe there's hope for the future but things now are too spotty I just don't know if there's any front to back to this Our reputations are smeared If I wasn't so Yellow maybe I'd push harder But hey we had a really good streak [Music] Huh what's going on out there Dad we accidentally wore each other's underwear so Mr Quagmire is moving Oh wow Yeah obviously one
of you would need to Peter this is completely ridiculous Babe what's done is done Look I don't have a lot of friends It's kind of a problem on the show But if I did I would never let anything come between us especially a Pair of underwear You know what Lois you're right Now go tell him not to move Heat Heat N [Music] [Music] Quagmire I just want to say that you can wreck a good pair of underwear but you Can't wreck a good friendship That's nice Peter Underwear should never come between two friends Well it
kind of should Yeah Yeah it kind of should Yeah Will you help me move my stuff back inside only if I can do it half naked and in front of all our neighbors Not my first choice but okay [Music] [Music] Miss Tiggy Winkles wake up You've got to get out of here Oh my god you're dead Well what do we have here stewie Griffin cat murderer What you psycho You killed her Maybe I did Maybe she died of natural causes The Only thing that matters is that now I have the goods on you That's a
terrible photo Would you mind doing it again oh yeah That's cute Can you send me that no Give me that picture Hey Doug Sorry about your kitty I guess the pet store didn't have a men's department huh uh well I tried to get a Hey I don't want to be too tired to drive home Does this story have an ending later losers I'm five Who is that that's Tyler He's a kind of my Doug Boy we all get a Doug huh yeah Tyler's Doug is a drunk stepdad Yikes Yeah Well I'm glad everyone's back in
their regular underwear and everything's back to normal Me too And thank you for cleaning the milking table Well we had quite a week as well We sure did I mean you got your ass kicked by a cat Well it was really more of a draw Yeah whatever Hey you want to end the show with a to Be continued meme i I don't even know what that Everyone welcome to our summer block party Now Eat and drink up Yeah And also enjoy Pandora It's great music and all the ads are tailored to me Try Hymns for
Men If you're experiencing erectile dysfunction Hymns for Men delivers right to your door Don't tell your doctor about your heart problem or he might not give you the penis pill Hymns for Men It must be some kind of mixup I I don't Even know what that product is Hi I have an unmarked discreet delivery address to Peter Griffin's penis Ah yes I will take these business papers Thank you This was supposed to be here yesterday I had to use tape and a popsicle stick All right time to slippery slide You sure slippery slides are a
nightmare of unexpected bumps and mishaps Really cuz the multicultural kids on the box seem to be having fun Hi Hola I'm a real boy who was put here by a witch Okay Bri watch And learn Public humiliation You must be a United States senator Good one Joe Come join me at the barbecue with the other favored men Yeah we're having a blast No no no no no no Well Megan insisted that one corner of the grill be vegan and then she ate a rib in front of everybody She's all over the place today Oh my
god there's blood in my pants and it's coming from my crotch I've seen enough commercials during The Good Wife to know there's only one explanation Robert I'm having my period It's a true right of passage like an Italian's baptism In the name of the Father the Son and the Holy Ghost you will now drive a Camaro hate every minute of your yearly vacation to Italy and get very upset when your sister starts to date Sorry I'm late I brought Clark Hey Father drown me in this water She's breaking my heart [Music] I'm exhausted Three beers
at a barbecue and my whole night was hand against the wall peas What happened to me i feel like I feel like I'm in a funk I'm also in a funk But nah I too feel age related weariness Yeah I'm also pretty down My real estate agent died What my real estate agent Like most single men my only Christmas cards are from my realtor and the guy who sold me my car We kind of aged together [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] How did he die he was screwing a client's wife and the guy shot him You
know I'm pretty down too The other day I was watching the birthday segment on Entertainment Tonight Axel Rose is 60 Wow 60 Cleveland how old is heavy D dead Ah that sucks And I don't know about you guys but I'm terrified of everything now Like teenagers I hear that If I see one on my route I don't deliver the mail What do you do with it throw it in the ocean A seagull once fisted out a college acceptance letter Got to go to Forom Welcome to the Forom class of 2026 All right Glad someone's excited
Man what the hell happened to us why are we such losers sounds like you fellas are finding yourselves in a trough Oh hey Mr Mayor How are you hey can we talk about Expanding bike lanes in urban centers quite my shut up You shut up We're not going to change the earth with silence Peter If I may say so I think you boys need to stop sitting in bars and cubicles and go recapture your frontier spirit two terrible airlines I own a dude ranch on the outskirts of town You feel spend a weekend there You'd
be surprised what a man can achieve when he steps away from the comforts of city life I bet you'll find your courage and Who knows maybe even some peace of mind Well I think going there sounds like a great idea Yeah it's exactly what we need I'm in I've never seen a horse Great It's settled We are going to a dude ranch All right Ah I happen to know Austin Texas has 8ft bicycle lanes Now I'm not looking for anything that expansive but if a greener cohog is what we're after I think we've got to
start moving the needle Oh so just get rid of the sidewalks That's not what I'm saying Joe It sounds like that's what you're saying Hey whatever this is wrap it up before you all show up to the ranch Yes sir And do we need special clothes for ranch dressing i'd wrap that up too [Music] Wow look at this place That's pretty cool Oh that's a horse I've seen those Morning fellas Morning Mr Mayor Hey can I get a room far away from the ice machine ice machine see that's that's why I want to be away
from it fellas I Think we had a miscommunication This isn't a hotel It's a working ranch You do your chores during the day and sleep in the barn at night What i thought this was a vacation Yeah I thought it'd be fun Like young guns with Kefir Southerntherland and blue diamond walnuts Sorry but you're not going to find your pioneer spirit in a hotel Here have a hat My own cowboy hat Listen up This isn't just a hat It's an oath An oath that you'll live by the Cowboy's code of honor You'll wear it at
all times You'll put it over your face when you sleep over your chest when you're delivering bad news and over your privates when an outhouse falls down comically around you Help Mine's small enough that I don't need the hat We're going to fix that Robert I need my heat pad I need Kate I need Leo And I need ice cream And I need not a word from you about it Hey Stewie Oh hey Bri Guess who woke up to a red Dawn what you know Bobin with the Red Robin Call off the hunt for Red
October because we found it Red Rover Red Robver Can't go in the pool today Over None of these are actual phrases says the man I'm having my period It's like the shining elevator down there My 21st century box has been conquered by Eric the very red Yeah this is getting dangerously close to a will and grace now But if you're bleeding down there it's clearly because you hurt yourself On the slippery slide Oh yeah If I'm not having my period then why am I drinking herbal tea from a large earthnware mug with no handle on
it stewie trust me boys can't get periods Brian it's 2022 There's no such thing as a boy anymore or a girl just a vast sea of chubby they and them so coddled by their sanctimonious woke parents who think activism is virtue signaling on Instagram If Martin Luther King could come back and see what they were doing In his name he'd never stop throwing up Maybe maybe you are having your period If you fellas are going to become cowboys the first thing we need to do is pair you all up with a horse Great I want
this one Now hold on Peter Real cowboys don't choose their horse The horse chooses [Music] them Croo [Music] J Hey hey hey [Music] [Music] [Music] Hey Peter Just wanted to make sure you're okay Yeah I was pretty bummed but then I found these great desserts labeled cowpie H You're off to a real bad start here Peter Just a real bad start [Music] Wow I can't believe we're doing a real Cattle drive I know Look at us We're cowboys Now hold on And you fellas ain't cowboys yet Not until you blaze your own trails Buddy of
mine in high school could blaze his own trail Used to do it on the floor of the locker room and we'd be like "Ah." While I appreciate the anecdote we like to keep our entandra singular out here on the prairie Yes sir What I mean fellas is that to find your courage you need to do the last leg of this journey on your own and drive these Cattle back to camp Awesome I'll drive this one Peter the cattle chooses you [Music] Robert where's my Cotek sanitary belt and do we still have any wamples vaginal cones
well this is weird No blood It's only been a day I don't understand No I'm not going to ask about feminine hygiene issues on 4chan You've got to relax for that sight man Ah here we are Short-term sporadic bleeding is generally not due to a period but is More indicative of spotting Spotting what's spotting oh my god Robert I'm pregnant How did this happen well you care anyway I'm sure you'll do what you always do and bury yourself in your work [Music] I have Stewie on one He says he's been trying your cell Uh Stewie
he just stepped into a meeting We'll have to [Music] Return One two This court rules that the farmer has violated the Americans with Disabilities Act The farm hereby belongs to the sheep one Guys I can't go to sleep without watching a Frraasier rerun Can one of you please tell me a Frraasier all right Once upon a time Fraser auditioned for a community play No not that one One one where he's with Niles That's fair Those are the best ones Once upon a time Frasier and Niles were invited to a dinner party and both brought the
same wine Look at that Already asleep H guess everyone's sleeping It's just me and you Mr Bear Bear It's okay guys We might be getting attacked by a bear or we might just be on bear scares What's bear scares only Latvia's number one bear prank show What are we going to do oh no the bear's going after Quagmire [Music] I'm going to run behind this tree and then the bear's going to drag me out Me and very clearly not a dummy who he then tosses [Music] around Ah oh no I'm being tossed around Oh god
now we're all going to be tossed around Oh no Oh no Help Make him stop This is the real me My is riding a horse Gety up Yeah little nice [Music] Well glad to see you're no longer crying on the couch Yes It turns out I was wrong about my period Good I'm glad you came to your senses because I'm pregnant I'll pay to get rid of it I'm sorry That's That's just a reflex Yes I freaked out at first too But I we decided it's for the best So if it's a boy I'm naming
him Timothy after Timothy Shalamé And if it's a girl I'm naming her Shalamé after Timothy Shalamé What Do you mean you don't like him name another A-list actor who couldn't sit in the front of a car because he's too light Stewie this is ridiculous You don't like him either for God's sake he looks like a marionette who broke loose from his strings He's a daintier Eddie Red man If there's another actor who you can put in your checked baggage without going over the limit I'd like to hear it Damn it Stewie You're not pregnant Oh
boy The dog knows he'll lose attention When the baby comes You are the baby A male baby Look I know all kids like to play makebelieve and pretend to be adults Sometimes they even convince themselves of it Now you've brought a new twist to this I don't want to diminish how weird this is but it's time for it to stop because for God's sake you are not pregnant Okay look I I didn't mean to break it to you so harshly No no I just realized now that I'm pregnant I can't eat sushi You know what
fine You're pregnant Thank you It's just too bad you're going to gain all that weight What when you're pregnant you gain like 30 lb 30 lb but I only weigh 15 well no matter At least I'll sleep comfortably and continue to have the same size not swollen feet But I just bought Tom Brown boots I got them for myself as a push present Sorry Stewie Enjoy the miracle of life Oh dear Perhaps being pregnant will be more difficult than I thought And we Still have to plan a gender reveal party Okay Would you rather do
a cake reveal or burn Napper to the ground [Applause] oh man that bear kicked our asses Well thank God we're all okay Good job Joe You stayed positive That's why you're the rock of the group Wait a minute Where's my cowboy hat i think the bear took it Who gives a What the hell Joe i always saw you as the rock of the group Damn it Don't you see fellas we made an Oath to the mayor to get our manhood back And our hats are that manhood So we got to find that bear and get
it back I don't know That sounds dangerous Come on The whole reason we came here is cuz we turned into cowards The mayor wanted us to finish this cattle drive like real cowboys And that's exactly what we're going to do We'll do it with courage and teamwork Who's with me yeah that's the spirit Well Bri I'm heading out for sushi in my New boots So I'm guessing you got rid of the baby Yes it was a tough decision but today I took a morning after cocktail of Flintstones vitamins Ovaltine castor oil and a splash of
Dr Pepper since its name is both a medical professional and a vegetable Well I think you made the right decision Me too I'm probably the only person under 18 ever to say this but being pregnant is fun until it forces you to make sacrifices in any way Uh yeah I guess that's an okay takeaway I just hope little Timothy or Shalomé understands I think he or she would have grown up to be a strong woman or a very weak man So uh you know that you were never pregnant right yes I went to the hospital
for a sonogram and got yelled at by an angry nurse In case you were wondering whether she likes nonsense she um she does not I can't believe we haven't found a bear yet I was sure he'd be lured in by my tax portfolio seminar Uh-oh I'm going to get revenanted Remember that movie we all said was amazing and then immediately forgot don't worry Peter We got this [Music] Yeah All right And I lassoed his neck so he can masturbate Now give me back my hat you son of a [ __ ] Good job fellas You
really showed me something Old man West the owner at a ranch Peter this isn't Scooby-Doo You ever notice how most Scooby-Doo villains are small Businessmen who doesn't like small businessmen odd choice by the creators Sorry to put you boys through the paces but I felt like you needed a little nudge to find your courage Here Peter you earned this Thanks Mr Mayor I'm going to wear this hat forever Actually Peter the hat chooses you [Music] Oh it's good to have you home Peter Thanks The ranch was nice but I think The big lesson here is
that no experience is worth sleeping on the ground Oh God no And my groin is a raging fire from one day on a horse Kids don't ever do things you don't normally do You'll just be punished for it My bluecollar dad is hostile to new experiences Well that's Bonnie and Donna I have to go What oh the mayor also runs a ranch for women trying to get in touch with their femininity Ladies these grocery carts are an oath Pretty sure the male version of this is better I might say the same thing about Ghostbusters [Music]
The usual fellas Hey thanks Jerome Wow Jerome what's with the wheelchair well it was date night with my lady friend I put on some teddy pendigrass One thing led to another We started making love halfway up the stairs Then I lost my footing and tumbled down half a flight Buck Nike Well this is hardly dinner conversation Who's Teddy Pendergrass he's America's number one cause of urgent love making injuries If you're not already in bed when Teddy starts singing somebody's going to the ER Anyway I busted my knee really bad So here I am Ah jeez
that stinks Jerome how long you going to be in that chair well that's the problem The doctor said I need surgery if I'm ever going to walk again but I can't afford it Man I don't Know what I'm going to do I've got to get up on my feet again Relax It's not so bad I bet you're going to discover some cool new things that you couldn't do when you were walking Like what well have you yelled at someone for using the handicapped stall yet that stall is for the differently aabled you know Well how
do you know it's not a handicapped person in there look no chair no crutches Whoever's in there definitely shouldn't be Oh I'm I'm sorry Yeah sure you are Hey you mind flushing for me pal no arms over here Well I suppose it's the least I could do Oh my god it's bigger than you [Music] Hey can you guys hear me all right Yep Loud and clear In the computer Wait why' you What' you say Cleveland you're cutting in and out Damn it It's his crappy internet service What does he have he hoarded a decade's worth
of Those 100 free hours CDs AOL would send in the mail He's chipping away at him one at a time Let me All right we'll fill him in later Look we got to help Jerome pay for that surgery you guys Yeah but where are we going to get that kind of money hello Hello Wait what if we did some sort of fundraiser donna unplug everything I need the internet No not that You know the local firehouse made a sexy men in uniform calendar and it raised a ton of Money Don't tell anybody but I heard
not all 12 of those guys were from Khog Who Who would we tell that to i don't know I'm just saying don't That's actually not a bad idea We already got three men in uniform I'm on the roof now Is that bad birds on my lap all right Now remember we're going for sexy So can you undo your shirt there Joe did you skip your nap i don't need a nap You need a nap I want to be done Wait Joe Joe look Look over here Who's that this is our friend Leapy Hey Joe Can
you do me a favor okay Can you be a big boy and unbutton your shirt for the picture yeah Great We're all done Now take off your pants What the hell i said take them off Joe don't listen to Leapy I was wrong Leapy is not our [Music] friend Yeah that's [Music] Good Okay Cleveland you're mostly out of shape Thankfully all postmen have mountain climber leg muscles Those will be our focus here They really that strong looking it's like a lady bodybuilder's boob I'm disgusted but I can't look away All right let's get started That's
it Now thigh me There we go Now throw that bad boy up on the mailbox Ah you're unnatural You're like Jazelle Beyonce and Naomi Campbell all in one You're Jani That's it Jaz on me J on me Yes J on me Hey guys I'm just going to go ahead and close this Okay Get my house assessed [Music] Here you go fellas Hey Jerome Great to see you back on your feet already You're telling me that calendar of yours paid for my surgery and then some Consider your tab paid up for the whole month Wow Did
we really make that much money who's Buying all these yeah I figured just our friends would buy them for a laugh Oh yeah We're having a laugh All right Might say everybody's having a ball right Mr Brown what's going on here give me that All right let's start at my navl and work down Belt buckled at the third notch per postal code regulation Short securely zipped Neatly pressed crease running down to my taco ple Let me see that Oh yeah that's a half scrot bad Dangle angle right there Oh no the whole town seen it
What am I going to do damn Mr Brown Larry Bird ought to be diving through here any second cuz that's a loose ball Good job sweetie You're doing the work A thanks Dad I learned it all by watching YouTube videos of Les Dawson Who the hell is that uh 1960s British comic Les Dawson famous for his mother-in-law jokes Jeez Spencer do the work [Music] You wanted to see me sir Cleveland let me ask you something Do you have a problem with the carrying capacity of your standard issue S104 canvas satchel no sir I see So
then why may I ask do you feel the need to carry around an extra sack sir you don't understand It was a mistake You're damn right it was Your little mistake has made a complete mockery of the United States Postal Service This is a noble institution that runs on dignity That's the reason people trusted us to deliver free COVID tests several months after it was relevant But sir no butts Cleveland you've left me no choice You're fired Now turn in your safari hat and your lady's mace This is terrible I have such a hard time
saying goodbye Hey shut up Cleveland I know you'll miss being a fireman mailman Mhm That job meant everything to me And what about All the people on my route there's going to be a riot when my regulars find out I've been replaced Hi Hi Huh mail before noon So Cleveland how's the job hunt going i can't even start till that damn bird brings my laptop back I wonder what he even uses it for Oh who am I kidding you can't replace working for the United States Postal Service I'll miss it already Oh I feel useless
Come on Cleveland You've Been moping around all week You know what why don't you swing by the brewery tomorrow i'll buy you lunch Did you say an insensitive joke and now need to prove to everyone that you have a black friend see you there buddy [Music] Thanks for letting me tag along at the brewery Peter Feels good to have some routine again Ah crap Look at the line It's going to take me forever to get to the microwave Peter you have a salad Yeah now I'm going to have to eat it cold How am I
supposed to work all day without a belly full of hot salad griffin what the hell is going on we've got a dozen delivery trucks that are days behind schedule I've got distributors lighting up my phone like a Christmas phone I have a twinkly phone for the holidays It's incredibly festive You know I used to deliver the mail so I know a thing or two about getting around town Mind if this goose takes a Gander well for starters you've got your downtown delivery scheduled for Wednesday morning but that's when the street sweepers come around and hog
the right lane You switch to the afternoon you'll be done in half the time The street sweepers of course What about the other deliveries well no wonder your eastbound trucks are late That stretch of highway has been under construction for weeks That's why all the mail trucks use That puts your last stop right across the river You got the toll bridge in the way but nine times out of 10 the bridge guys watching Tik Toks You just drive around You don't know Brilliant Absolutely brilliant What's your name cleveland Brown Sir Mr Brown this operation could
certainly use a man with your expertise How would you like a job here at the Potucket Brewery really all right Excellent You start tomorrow Hey way to go Cleveland Thanks Peter Tonight Me and Don are going to celebrate romantically And which Teddy Pendergrass song was playing turn out the lights Sir ma'am you're both lucky to be alive [Music] All right working with my best friend This is going to be sweet Just a heads up I chew ice all day long and my computer goes bonk every 3 seconds I hope that doesn't bother you That's the
bonk Yeah Uh you you Think you could keep the noise down Peter it is my first day after all and I want to get some work done Tell you what you can do all the work you want right after we take turns telling scary work stories It was a night just like this And when the moon is full if you close your eyes you can still hear her voice Will you sponsor me for my 5K dang it Peter This is work not a sleepover Now would you please get out of here my 10:00 meeting is
about to start Your Meeting but I thought we were going to work together Yeah Well I thought I'd tackle this one on my own but maybe you can get us some coffee Touch base Circle back Put a pin in it But that's Monday's [Music] problem Wait a minute These shipments should have gone out already Hey Peter All these trucks were supposed to be on the road hours ago Did you make any Changes to my schedule no Oh you know what yeah I added a new rule for safety The guys were slapping the back of the
truck two times when it was all loaded up but then Smitty got his foot run over So now I told him to do 200 slaps just to be safe How many was that uh 35 40 I can't tell Oh we got like six other slappers going Griffin what's going on all of our weekly shipments are late again Mr Lloyd I think we can get back on track if we Just optimize our loadouts See back in my mailman days we would pre-sort our deliveries by destination If we bundle the inventory by invoice rather than by product
type it'll expedite the delivery out on the road My goodness why haven't we been doing that all along cleveland you've proven yourself invaluable to this organization I'm hereby promoting you to vice executive managing director in charge of lengthy titles Wow Thank you sir Hey good for you Cleveland Good For all of us Good for this department And as for you Griffin I need you to clear your things out of your office Cleveland is going to need more room to perform his managerial duties Whoa whoa whoa Wait a minute You're kicking me out of my own
office you're not uh you're not replacing me are you oh no We're just doing a little restructuring Besides you won't need an office for your new assignment I'm putting you in charge of kitchen banter What you got There little jet fuel little jaba little jitter juice I'll take a top off if you don't mind Yeah Don't talk to me till I've had my coffee right hey how come you were only pregnant for 4 months Griffin sorry It's my first day [Music] Look I know this is awkward celebrating Cleveland getting promoted over you so we don't
have to stay long if you don't want It's one night I'll be fine Wait Peter where's the bottle of wine I told You to bring cleveland makes more money than me now Lois That means we're sneaking groceries out of this party not bringing them in Can you fit ketchup in that purse we're all out Damn it We can't show up to a dinner party without a $14 empty gesture It's improper We need to give them something Fine Here We brought these Oh what it's It's nothing I guess I just miss being the one handing out
the mail I'm sorry They're lovely That L's and lady pants catalog had quite a bloom this year [Music] Then I said "Ain't that the punch line to an anecdote?" So what does this promotion mean are you like Peter's boss now we're all on the same team Ah that means yes Hey Cleveland how about a quick speech for our guests or maybe just cover it in a group text Later All right All right Settle down I'd like to thank y'all for coming tonight to celebrate my new job at the brewery It ain't as good as delivering
bills but it sure does pay the bills What a great speech He's so important Now do you think it's okay I use the upstairs bathroom [Music] it was bad enough when Mr Lloyd thinking Cleveland's better than me Now it's all our friends too Oh stop feeling sorry For yourself You think I'm thrilled my husband got demoted bonnie's already rented one of those cars with a loudspeaker on top She's telling everyone People of Spooner Street Lois's husband got demoted They're poorer now Repeat Lois's family is now poorer Use this as motivation Think of how good it'll
feel to prove your friends and Mr Lloyd wrong Now I'm going to take an incredibly quick lady dump Prove them wrong Huh done That's exactly what I'll do I bet they won't think Cleveland's so great when I get him fired Hey Dad How's he going have fun at the Browns I couldn't steal a ketchup There were eyes on me all night Son of a [ __ ] There he is He didn't take the ketchup Damn it Hey these chicken nuggies are bone dry What did he say about the ketchup [Music] what's going on why'd everything
stop hello I'm Inspector Daniels from the Health department That's a backstage pass from a Muse concert huh i guess it is isn't it i received an anonymous tip that there's a rat nesting in the main beer tank I'm here to check it out What's just now well I sure hope not I'd lose my job if there was any filth of that nature going [Music] on Hm Maybe I misheard the tipster Your ears haven't really been the same since I saw muse from basically as close as You're allowed to get I'll try him back Rattat you've
reached Peter the rat Well I'm sorry someone wasted your time but as you can see everything here is up to code Have a good day I found your rat in the tank during my rams this morning Why'd you do it Peter i'm sorry It's just with you doing so well at the brewery I felt like a joke I knew I was never going to be a big shot here but I like playing my small part to help make this beer Before you started that small Part felt like enough Griffin I was just informed that you
tried to sabotage this operation by putting Vermin in the beer tank This is the last straw Griffin you are fired Fine I'm not good enough for this place anyway [Music] Wait you can't fire Peter sir And why is that because you need him Sure companies need some people to work hard and go the extra mile but more than that they need guys like Peter Regular guys who are Happy to do a thankless job for a mediocre salary day in and day out So long as that day ends with a cold beer and a best friend
to share it with If you fire Peter Griffin sir you fire your customer the beer lovering every man that makes up the hunched backbone of this country Cleveland you're right Griffin here is perfectly mediocre and America runs on mediocre You know that's the kind of insight I need coming from up top How do You like to join me on the executive floor i appreciate the offer sir but I can't accept In fact I'm officially turned her in my resignation and recommending Peter Griffin as my replacement There's only one job I was born to do and
I'm going to go get it back There's the bird with my laptop [Music] Just come in Thank you for seeing me sir I'm going to get right to it and say being a postman is who I am and I'm here To get my job back Well that's great but please sir let me finish With this rubber band I will sense the offending testicle so that it can never dangle nor sway where it does not belong Here I go It's done Cleveland we sent your reinstatement forms a week ago I never check my own mail You
know how Pablo Escobar never did cocaine he did a lot of cocaine Oh then I fear I've made a terrible mistake Turns out we couldn't Fire you without running it by the union head Welcome back Cleveland Thank you sir It's good to be back And there goes my ball Here's your rubber band back You You can keep it [Music] So Cleveland you happy to be delivering mail again oh yeah Yep Sure is nice to have things back to normal Say Cleveland how about you and me get a quick selfie to remember this crazy week peter
did You make another insensitive joke and need to prove you have a black friend again i'm not going to say it was bad but I have to make you my profile picture It's my only shot Oh hang on There's my Jewish friend Mort Goldman Hey Mort What's up Bal quick selfie [Music] Magg The boys need the room Okay one sec Crap Jean they're coming They're coming fast Jean stop recording Jean Jean Chris your mother and I divided all our stuff After a recent argument And I came across something very special The Nintendo NES this is
a day I've been waiting for for 30 years And now I get to share it with my son Get ready for the greatest video game of all time Donkey Kong This game sucks What are you talking about uh what universe does this even take place in everything needs to take place in a universe It's a warehouse with ladders where a monkey took a girl What about The microtransactions that slowly bankrupt our family or the children slinging racist taunts into your earpiece it has two buttons and I have to look down when I press them Donkey
Kong sucks I could build the same game on our house Donkey Kong house Sorry I put you in a dress Stewie We needed a damsel Hey do I look upset what do we got today looks like a Donkey Kong house What a mess Want a beer yes sir Is That a yeti it is You mind if I talk about it for 45 minutes oh I know I can't stop you [Music] What is all this noise i'm trying to buy everything on Amazon in here Barrel Ah my foot Oh I think it's broken Uh-oh Next level
[Music] e The doctor said I'm going to be laid up for a week so you'll have to take Care of the kids But that'll give you some quality time with them huh are you excited no And you know that Are you brushing with a grill brush i left my toothbrush at a hotel 3 years ago Look now don't worry It's just a week and taking care of kids is not that hard The Facebook status of every girl I went to high school with would disagree Plus you know I'm not very good at taking care of
things Remember I even lost custody of our orchid Please you can't take my baby How often did you water her every day Every day I thought water was good Not that much What about sun i put it in the front window A westernfacing window That's direct afternoon sunlight you monster It's not worth it Ollie why do these guys get to have one well me and Molly Hey it's going to happen for you and Molly I know it Stress doesn't help Why don't you guys come over tonight we'll hang out on the patio Yeah Okay that
sounds nice Want me to bring Anything how about the food and the drinks that feels like everything but okay Breakfast You're supposed to make breakfast Oh right Maybe we should go out for food Having a little trouble this morning no no I'm doing great Look I already got Stewie and Brian changed Oh okay Maybe I'm having a little trouble But I'm a dad The only thing I know how to use is a shopv I already Made myself some toast so I don't need your help Dads need to eat [Music] first Get out There's a grenade
in here Use it to get a better lunch I got a sandwich in mine You got the wrong bag Finally Ah crap Three kids [Music] I don't know what I'm supposed to bring In You're doing a great job Dad So cute # dance like a dad I'm waving to someone behind you Wow everybody's being so nice Hey we normally order at the counter but it looks like you've got your hands full today What can I get you can you stuff a blueberry muffin into a cup and pour coffee all over it normally no But I
can't say no to a super dad like you Where's this little guy's mom is she coming in too no she's not with us Oh my She's dead I'm so sorry Oh actually is there anything else I can bring you we make a great homemade banana cream pie It's on the house Uh yeah My wife is dead I'll have that pie I'll bring it right away Is everything okay i'll never forget her last words Get free extra whipped cream on your Frappuccino It already comes with a lot of whipped cream She was very specific about [Music]
more There he is How's the week going as the solo dad and how is Lois's foot i'm not rooting for her to lose it but are you guys about to talk about your kids you said I can look at my phone when you talk about your kids This is the closest I've ever been to Mr Quagmire He's wearing makeup You know I thought this week was going to suck but everywhere I go people are super helpful and nice That's because you're a dad alone That's The closest thing people get to seeing a hero It's right
after wounded veteran or ugly person who sings well Totally A mom alone with her kids is a mess But when a woman sees a dad doing the same thing total panty dropper Ew Joe I've also been lying about Lois being dead to get free things Thoughts what kind of free things pie mostly Good pie Homemade That's better than regular maid Bonnie lies about me being dead all the time You're fine Just as long as you share That pie with Kirby here right little guy who's Kirby your son Kirby His name is Stewie Huh looks like
a Kirby No one looks like a Kirby You'll see I've never been wrong about a Kirby [Music] Peter can you come up here need something Los no I just need the Apple TV remote Well I am great at fetch Yeah just the remote please Whoa Did you feel that this isn't going to turn into an English patient type of Thing is it what does that mean you know caregiver and patient A strong bond develops intimacy Oh maybe our fingers did touch when you handed me that remote I know You know I've been in this bed
for a long time I I sure could use a sponge bath A word Why don't you start down by my cast oh god your leg is covered in hair That's right I can't shave down there cuz the cast will get wet Look at it Smell it No Take a deep breath and smell It Ah What is that four days of sweat and a dinner fork that got stuck when I scratched my ankle Please let me go This English patient enough for you i don't know I never saw it Every door you walk through isn't a
scenario you've typed into the search bar of Pornhub This is real life and it stinks Please let me go Now you listen to me Every 90 minutes I'm going to ring this bell and you're going to come in and take out a bowl of my waist If that's us forming a strong Bond then you and I are going to form a very strong bond Now go Oh buddy This smells like a big one You've been feeding me nothing but Chick-fil-A so yeah A dad's changing a diaper A dad changing a diaper no biting Aiden [Music]
[Music] [Music] Hi Uh-oh You own a gray Honda Accord no Okay good Good My name is Becky and this Is my son TJ You're the single dad whose wife is 2 ft under Yes The shallow graves were cheaper I was wondering if you wanted our kids to have a playd date I know how hard it can be being a single parent I can make some lunch fire up the bounce house We'll do it We'll do it [Music] Well those two seem to be getting along well Yeah So how long have you had a pet cloud
that's a skylight Does it bite Do you want a beer i can make some snacks Maybe pull out the popcorn machine for the kids Or we don't tell them and we keep all the popcorn for ourselves You're fantastic I'm I'm serious though Hey cheers I'm glad we did this Having to entertain a kid all day is exhausting How long have you been doing it alone ah feels like forever Yeah I know Doesn't get any Easier I thought that after my late husband Scott Huh hey Mom Can I show Stewie my room sure Yes Come on
Stewie Door open bud Dad you know we could make this a regular thing It'll take the pressure off us having to entertain them Yeah I'd like that a lot Oh no your pet cloud got out That's a a window So so it'll come back [Music] Go away Stop it Damn it Need help Mom can you get rid of this fly there's a swatter in the top drawer of the dresser Okay that drawer is full of sex toys Oh well we must have moved the fly swatter Uh try the middle drawer Is this a bit because
that drawer is also filled to the brim with sex toys Sorry Look in the bottom drawer Wrong again These last few days have been really fun for me and TJ I really like you Peter It's rare that you can relate to someone on a deeper level like we can I know Can I tell you something i I know this is crazy and I I don't use this word lightly but I love the way you cut sandwiches Perfect triangles You're amazing You're amazing too You've got a childish wonder about you Just like my late husband Scott
who used huh so should we go back to my place keep the playd date going maybe take out the popcorn machine Let me touch all the Buttons You can pour in the kernels You think I'm ready no but I'll make sure you don't spill [Music] [Applause] I wonder what Scott would think of this Give her a break She was acquitted [Music] And then she kissed me I don't know what to do I guess lying about having a dead wife to eat popcorn wasn't the best idea That's a nice story Peter Did anyone Else break any
sacraments this week well there's two things you can do from here Break it off or go full scumbag If you're interested in going scumbag I sell a starter kit It includes a second phone fake addresses and some golf shirts I don't golf Nobody does Golf was invented purely so husbands can cheat on their wives A 6-hour game in a completely different town where you need special shirts I I don't think so I was only hanging out with Becky to help with Stewie But she clearly saw her There's something else I got to break it off
before Lois finds out You need to break it off cuz it's the right thing to do When did you get glasses you like them they're Kirby Parkers [Music] Becky please accept this gift of Forest Gump waving on a boat as goodbye You are a great person but things are moving a little too fast Almost as fast as this gif of Forest Gump running out of his Driveway Surprise becky what are you doing here i wanted to come over and make you dinner It's probably been a while since you've had a nice home-cooked meal You don't
have to do this Hey Mom 2 is here Hey Stewie What's going on who's this you didn't tell me you had a dog He's very close to being put down I didn't want you to get attached Oh but he's so cute Oh Oh I don't care who she is She can stay I'll be right back [Music] Hello dear I heard the doorbell Who was it delivery guy We ordered dinner Huh where did you order from that place you hate Oh Well maybe I'll just come downstairs and join you anyway You know it's been about a
week and I'm starting to feel better I I know No no Trust me you you you don't want to go downstairs Uh Brian is talking about the electoral college Oh I'll just eat dinner up here Excuse him Ma Hi I have your boner and butt pills from Gladiator That's supposed to be discreet Hey Dad Where's mom upstairs The big upstairs That's what we call heaven I get it I tell TJ that my late husband Scott Uh-huh Mom's calling I I told them every time a bell rings that's their mom saying hello Help Help Saying saying
help She She died very painfully You forgot your box of boner And butt pills It's [Music] discreet Murder the carpet Hello What are you doing can you help me down the stairs the the doctor said to stay in bed a week You know I just need to get out of this room and my back is killing me Lois if you stay up here for the rest of the night I will use the marital tongue on you Okay but this time I get to pick the spot In the meantime Can you just get me the heating
pad for my back it's in the attic The roast Wait a minute I'm not cooking dinner Heating pad Heating pad Heating pad Oh crap Hey hey hey What are you doing Bonnie i told Lois I would bring her a loaf of my sourdough bread Yeah she doesn't want it What i just talked to her She's dead Lois died Go away Oh my God What are you doing with her washing machine it's not for sale You'd need a furniture dolly to get it out of the basement Anyway we have one I'll give you $100 Yeah Yeah
All right Okay Maybe Maybe Will it fit through a bulkhead door yeah it looks like it'll fit It'll totally fit Yeah All right Uh let's do it 100 bucks Heating pad Ah wonderful Terrific Probably a prowler It's cool I know him He'll just go right into my bed Hey Hey Meg's eating dinner That's cool I'll wait It's kind of my thing How am I going to get down if you hold this feather you can fly Really wow Thanks little rat Ow That's for putting locks on your garbage cans you dick heating pad Where did you
go and why was your box of boner and butt pills on the Stairs i almost tripped Those are discreet Now let's get you back upstairs It's all right Peter Just open the calm app Your credit card has been declined Wee there you are Peter Are you okay is this your mother i'm sorry Who the hell are you and why are you holding my baby see total [ __ ] right boy this This is going to be a really funny story when I tell you both separately far away from each other Hey Mom Mom peter said
you were dead Dead i am not dead I was Just recovering from foot surgery So I put him in charge of the kids Now what the hell happened eating pad I cannot believe this Peter You've been lying to me I thought we had something And what kind of a mother leaves their husband with the kids for a week it is a miracle they're alive Excuse me i'll tell you what kind of mother the best mom there is I'm sorry I lied to you Becky All I wanted was free popcorn Taking care of kids is relentless
There's no escape You Know unless you accidentally leave them in a hot car I mean you get less jail time than actual murder right and in prison has to be quieter than your actual life Anyway if I've learned anything this week it's that all mothers are heroes And the biggest hero I know is the one I'm lucky enough to call my wife Oh Peta that almost cancels out everything you've done [Music] Look Becky I don't blame you for what Happened Nobody does But you're a beautiful woman You can do better than a 44year-old morbidly obese
guy You know what you're right Ever since I lost my late husband Scott I The other mom just left and now Barney's dragging a washing machine out from the bulkhead Never a dull moment Hey grab me a beer from the Yeti You know it'll be cold right mhm Just picture it The place Dripping Springs Texas Roy and Ryan Cedars brothers tired of their Conventional coolers breaking when they would stand cast into the Gulf Coast took matters into their own hands and created the cooler to end all coolers Yeti coolers for the man in your life
with no personality Well I'm glad my foot's all healed It's so nice to be back downstairs Yeah And I'm happy our relationship is stronger than ever and everything is back to normal Well except every time I look out the window the beginning of Kiss Me by Six Pence None the Richer starts playing [Music] What we now return to an ASPCA commercial with the wrong music [Music] Oh they seem to be doing okay Hey can you guys keep it down i'm about to go on IG live Like I said IG live All right Meg's going for
her phone Oh nope She's just scratching herself But anyway if if you guys are going to join just go into Another room or I'll get interference Other than that uh I don't know Just buckle up and enjoy the ride Oh and I tagged Kurt Vonagget's nephew so just just be cool on there Boy he's sure living a lot longer than we expected Going live in three two one What's up IG live it's Brian Griffin and you are live in the dog house Okay no viewers yet I'll do it again Hopefully I can keep that energy
Oh got my first viewer Whoa getting a little crowded in here and @byc cryptokid33 has left the building All right welcome at win a carar ask me how and we got at learn guitar in 7 days on the line Let's get started What I'm sure is on both your minds is what is the hero's journey that's a question pondered by writers for many many welcome at gain 4 in in one week many years Let me recap what we've learned so far writer hero's journey many many many Years on the page That seemed like eight minutes
of material Should we bail him out with a question no we're not going to bail him out with a question We got You know what i will ask him a question Give me your phone We're going to take a quick [Music] break Hey guys I brought in your paper Why do you get the newspaper if you're not going to read it sometimes I use it to punctuate my sentences Well anyway I Have a proposal for the two of you Well this ought to be interesting Are the two of you free tonight for a double date
i'm seeing this girl and I think she's something special I want you to meet her Oh Glenn that's wonderful And you're sure she's not a sex worker this time no I'm pretty sure I've offered her money many times and she hasn't taken it A double date sounds great We'd love to go The quag's got a girlfriend Get off me We don't have that kind of relationship True Go on Magg Get away from the house guest Get away from the house guest Sometimes I also use it for that newspapers because your parrot can't on an iPad
[Music] Whoa a DM from at official Instagram Hello Brian As a famous writer you are now eligible to become a verified account Yes finally Well maybe next you could get a verified paycheck Why is your paper called Brazilian Teens well what's your paper of record for Tan Butts exactly [Music] I can't wait to meet this new girlfriend at Quagmire You know I always write their names down in case his life becomes a date line [Music] Oh my god it's her What it's who quacker's girlfriend is my old junior high school bully Stephanie She made my
Life a living hell Now see that guy's wearing sandals I could have worn mine Peter you don't know this because you met me in high school but middle school was a painfully awkward phase for me I had horrible acne I had to wear a back brace And to make things worse only one of my boobs had come in I had to resort to fill in the empty side of my bra with a papamatic from the board game Trouble The other kids were cruel and would call me horrible names Look it's Scoolie Lois What a freak
I just ate a sandwich so I'm waiting 20 minutes to swim But the worst bully of them all was Stephanie Hey Lois watch your step Your shoes untied No one even tried to help What a loser Walk 18 more minutes I would have drowned if it wasn't for the buoyancy of the papamatic [Applause] Stephanie never even apologized And junior high trauma is something you Don't recover from Yeah my gym teacher drove me home without his pants on But your story sounds bad [Music] too Well looks like all that hard work is finally paying off I
got verified on Instagram Look at that A blue check Blue check That's green Brian you got hacked That's ridiculous Someone DM'd me and said they just needed my mother's maiden name the last four numbers of my credit card and the first 12 numbers of my credit card Then they responded right away with "Thank you completed." Huh it's not how you spell completed It's my credit card company Hello No that wasn't me No No Ma'am I wouldn't know what to do with that many Tommy Hilfiger t-shirts Yuck Okay you were right I got hacked Oh I'm
so mad that hacker has me seeing gray Red It's red Brian why are you so upset you already cancelled your credit card This hacker Is destroying my Instagram I have a brand Posting Steve Harvey's standup jokes is actually Steve Harvey's brand I think you should just give your account to the hacker I mean your Instagram wasn't setting the world on fire And I suppose the hacker's posts are better Look at this It's just a half a bottle of vodka that says vodka Brian what does that even mean hit C translation It's vodka o'lock somewhere Oh
that's very funny That's very funny You know I've heard it's wine o'lock but I've never heard it with vodka That's what that's whip smart is what that is No No it's not Stewie I need to get my account back I I may have sent some weird DMs to Zenaia that I'd rather not see the light of day Euphoria Zenaia or Disney Zenaia Yeah a little from column A a little from column B We need to get that account back Lois Pewer Schmidt What a small world Nice to see you too You have aged Infuriatingly well
So how did you two meet did you both escape from the same sex cult sex cults sound terrible but also how do I get invited to one you tell it No you tell it No you just tell it No you you go Fine I'll go Okay Tinder Huh didn't really need that whole parade And how did you two meet lois was dating another guy and I threatened to kill myself Lois remember you had that back brace everyone said made you look like an ironing board in a Sweater Say more stuff You were a nerd i
thought you said you were a prom queen Prom queen she ate a lot of shellfish and her back was curved like a shrimp I've never meant this before but we should do this again Kids were so mean back then Well I barely remember those years Peter and I have three lovely kids They're a lot happier since you're allowed to be fat now Being a mom is the most fulfilling job in the world Oh do You have kids be careful how you answer this Oh I wish I did But after medical school then a four-year residency
a two-year specialty three years in Central America with Doctors Without Borders Okay Well I'm sure all those achievements will come visit you when you're on your deathbed Excuse me Some of the other diners have complained that you're not talking loudly enough They're loving these stories about how she was a nerd It was prawn queen like the shrimp Oh that's even funnier [Music] You know what i feel sorry for Stephanie now Really what part the good skin and a great job Oh great job Anyone can be a doctor in Ecuador You think they're checking diplomas and
she doesn't have any kids probably can't You know why gmos Just going to run this light real quick Settle down I mean I ate way better than she was eating Did you see I ordered a salad It was a wedge that was Mostly blue cheese and bacon It was listed under salad But did you notice Stephanie ordered French fries french fries no kids You do the math Anyway point is I won dinner Settle down You You think I won dinner right Peta well you did eat a lot faster than her And And now that I
think about it after she said I looked good she looked right at my hands What does that mean age comes out in the hands Peter Maybe she's Trying to figure out how old I am I bet she knows how old I am I bet she was judging my tiny wedding ring Why was she looking at my hands peta I think your thumb was in the butter But did she see that i don't know but nobody ate butter after that So yeah probably I love that she had to ask what capray was What a dumb [
__ ] What what's going on with your face i don't know what you're talking about Maybe Maybe it's a giant grin huh from having triumphed over my Former bully There's a rash forming on the back of your legs What there is ah son of a [ __ ] Wo what the hell's going on with you i don't know I think see and Stephanie brought back one of my old junior high school panic attacks Quick I have to do the only thing that would calm me back then Lie in a dark room and try to blast
Sarah McLaclin but accidentally play the wrong song [Music] Phew Lois seems to be doing okay [Music] Have we ever been alone in a room together before so Instagram update We're talking The hacker contacted me He's demanding $10,000 I hear you're looking to kill somebody What no I'm just trying to find a guy who hacked my Instagram account I can also help with that I'm really good at finding cyber bullies One time I got An anonymous tweet telling me to go kill myself and I tracked the IP address to Chrissy Yeah that's it's kind of her
thing I don't know how you're going to find that's in Russia How do you know how to speak Russian if you watch enough super dark videos on the internet eventually you're going to learn Russian At first just the Russian words for please don't kill me But it's amazing how those are really the building blocks of an entire language German's very similar And then I was able to make some friends in a Russian AOL chat room You got a whole little life going on huh can you figure out what city this hacker lives in okay I'm
thinking the big boys in Moscow are fishing in Europe Russia has 11 time zones so if we triangulate the activity through peak hours Yep just what I thought Chilabinsk That was fast Got to move fast in this world bro So are we going to go find this guy or what all Right Looks like we're going to Russia Russia we can't go there They're at war with Ukraine They are wa crazy I say we do it We're really going to go to a country at war and we couldn't go to my business meeting on Fire Island
What business meeting i sell bikini swimsuits for men of size You mean fat guys no No No No No No No [Music] Are you here for business or displeasure we're here to find the hacker that stole Your Instagram Yes Enjoy 10 square kilometer of country that don't make Geiger counter go beep beep beep Hey it's that way And then nurse Maguire gave everyone a Valentine except for me I want to be picked up now Mom fine I'll see you at 4:00 What do you want Dr Hartman i have no idea what's going on I feel
like I'm turning back into my old teenage self and there's nothing I can do about it I See Did you recently run into an old bully or were you tagged in a very unflattering Throwback Thursday photo i did I ran into a girl who terrorized me in junior high and she used to call me Scoly Lois Like scoliosis That's very good I just learned what that is today As a matter of fact Dr Hutman what's happening to me well Mrs Griffin I think you're suffering from severe nerd damage I am what's that you see all
nerds are one tossed off joke away from reverting To their worst most humiliating selves But I don't want to be a nerd forever Tell you what find the coolest guy in school and give him a tug behind the bleachers That usually solves it Does that really work i don't know Why don't we go find [Music] [Music] out hey you guys this is exciting I'm reading about Chelabinsk and if it's not too much trouble I'd love to swing by KNV's teaacking factory It was built in 1898 and briefly popularized the phrase have a cup of coups
Yeah I don't know Oh you're no fun Meg cup of coups Come on we got to find this guy Now think like a hacker Where would he be why don't we just follow this giant Ethernet cable [Music] did you know Chelabinsk is known as the Chicago of the Urals i'm I'm like pinching myself I'm that jazzed [Music] Let me handle this at the Brian Griffin doi boy Instagram Duh I sorry I also conveniently speak a little English Come in I explain over cup of coups Oh jackpot And you know they're going to have good coups
First I must know is it true in America there's a man named Cedric who entertains uh yeah Wow So Brian Griffin is this beautiful American wife me no I'm not married You are like big beautiful nesting doll that holds other dolls inside You really mean that Duh You are the outside one because it has to fit all the other ones Oh Meg you're pretty in this very ugly country Brian I only stole account because it made me feel like I was living happy American life of big writer man He has five followers I have nobody
and nothing to live for Well you have to have some family No they all burnt At least you have a place to call home Yet my apartment also burnt This temporary I lived in puddle for a while but sun Dried up my house I yell at son "Give it back." But it never does That is why every day I wake up and shoot single bullet at son That would actually make a good Instagram Post that every day Well it would [Music] I don't understand why the man who can't go swimming has a pool party Once
the harness is fixed I can be lowered Wasn't this a great idea of Stephanie's after the dinner we had she told me all about The fun you guys used to have at pool parties Oh okay That's nice Don't you think it's a little strange that Stephanie would want to have a pool party when that's the very place she humiliated me i'm sorry Lois There's a guy here who's fattered than me and I'm just checking out his front meets Hey Lois you're not going in no I'm covered in different gel I can't go in the chlorine
or the sun Oh sorry Lois I thought you were a towel return bin Well If you need anything I'll be over there playing generic backyard party football with your husband I can play too Soon as I unclasp my hernia girdle you pushed me She pushed me Lois let me help Oh you can drop the act Stephanie You may have won everyone over but you're nothing more than a mean girl and a bully just like you were in junior high But karma comes in many forms including stretch marks We all see them I don't see them
Above the knee on the left thigh You pushed me now just like you pushed me back in junior high Lois I never pushed you I was trying to help you I was always trying to help you And what about just now you got an excuse for that well yes I was trying to catch a football thrown by your husband I wasn't trying to complete the pass I was just trying to show the other wives how far I can throw it So this whole time you never bullied me No I always admired How you persevered through
all these burdens In fact you inspired me to start my own foundation for kids with scoliosis This year we have 50 Scoliois scholars 50 yes All in your honor I'm sorry Stephanie I guess I was wrong All right that means it's your turn to service me in bed No Peter that's only when I'm wrong about something having to do with you Chris don't let anyone touch my cake I'll be back in 10 minutes Hi Lois's friends Well you're ready to head home Stewie What's that Brian sorry I'm muing quite a bit of coups right now
Where's your stuff Brian we came here to find your account but found something much more valuable My happiness Yeah let let me be the writer Meg I can't go back home What you're staying in Russia this is a country where female body hair is encouraged Where I can eat root vegetables straight from the ground without being placed under an Involuntary psychiatric hold Last night when Ivan made love to me please stop No He said "May Griffin you have strong hunches like horse." How sweet is that i'm an aid in Russia Brian I'm staying here Well
okay But we're truly going to miss you And if this really is the end of our time together we probably ought to tally up expenses from the trip Oh Um okay Yeah I bought that magazine at the airport So let's put that in the group column Hold on Yeah No airport purchases As we said we're all together You're the only one who read that It goes in the Brian column You read the cover You commented on it All I said was "When did Miles Teller get so jacked?" Yeah that's reading That's not reading That's just
looking at a picture and commenting So you're saying the words Miles Teller were not on the cover Oh okay Well when I bought my Cliff Bar you said "M peanut butter and chocolate looks good." Sounds like a group expense to me No way Meg Wouldn't you call that a personal Oh she's gone Yep Guess we're covering her neck pillow huh [Music] oh gang we got another postcard from me Dear mom and dad I've contracted render pest also known as cattle plague which has been eradicated from most of the world except from here They say I'm
a local now Haha Ah I'm just glad she's having fun Yeah and thank God everything worked out between me and Stephanie so I Can finally put all that middle school baggage behind me And maybe I can stop putting some of my other baggage behind me Peta we need to talk I think this relationship has If you leave me I will kill myself I love us [Music] Boy everybody's here Why do you think we're gathering this isn't about the soiled pants in the toilet right cuz I hadn't heard about that Good morning Employees As some of
you can tell by my face I have some exciting news But first a pair of huskysized green pants were found in the men's room Positively destroyed That's what I hadn't heard about Now the exciting news The brewery is transitioning to an open floor plan and will be called the Paw Tucket Patriot Campus To help explain the transition to our futuristic workplace I'd like to share a video from our investor the confusingly charismatic Weiwork lunatic Hey I'm the guy from Weiwork My foremost goal is to facilitate an experiential bandwidth of synergy Hammock desks scooter desks and
the world's first desk desk The only desk that functions as a working desk I have been the weiwork lunatic Please don't Google me Our new office will also have a lady chef who only makes vegan food pinball machines and nursing pods Lastly as we transition to our new open floor plan the brewery will be closed For the next 2 months for construction Yes Griffin Are the nursing pods like for anyone [Music] if I ordered a whole Cornish game hen would anyone have any i'm in for a wing What's the occasion i just found out the
brewery is closing so they can turn it into the kind of workplace you only see on TV shows Work's been crazy for me too We had this case Guy died on his birthday And get this his family had Gotten him an ice cream cake You know the kind with ice cream inside is the cake part Wild stuff So I'm at the scene The story is already too complicated and boring Peter take over My Amazon guy once delivered batteries to Pat Shjack No way How did he know there were batteries in the box you know whenever
they ship a battery they got to put that little warning label on the box That's how it could have just been something With a battery in it No he said he shook it real hard I I think the focus of this story is more pet sjac than the battery part Hold on There's no way that story was better than mine Hey Brian what's all this i just following in the rich tradition of Hemingway and Faulner and putting a little damage on the old liver Another rosé Brian Put a spritz on it So is uh watching
Tik Toks of underage girls also a part of your writing process the best Writing happens when you're not actually writing I just wish my muse would speak to me I'm having a tough time finding an idea for my next novel Well I'd tell you about one of my murder cases but apparently I'm a bad storyteller Murder case oh yeah We had one last year All signs pointed to the husband What happened it was the husband You know we have a whole file of cases in Khog That would make great stories A lot of murdered women
out there Bri Half of Them named Britney half of them named Lacy That's one piece of advice I always give young parents Don't name them Britney or Lacy Yeah Sad stuff You know true crime is huge right now You could be sitting on a gold mine A gold mine huh and this whole day I thought it was just a smush duke We now return to Curb Your Enthusiasm where Jeff Garland just repeats everything Larry says So I put on the shirt You put on the shirt i paid for it You paid for it I'm starting
to think you're uh the weakest link in the cast Easily the weakest link Peter the bank called to say we're overdrawn and the credit card company sent us a letter that just says "Bitch better have my money." Visa center God they can do whatever they want in Delaware Thanks for nothing Sleepy Joe I wonder if this has anything to do with me not getting paid during the brewery renovations What do you mean not getting paid well Preston said we're all transitioning to being independent contractors The downside is we're losing our health insurance but there's going
to be a pinball machine in the break room Peter we can't afford to go 2 months without your paycheck You're going to have to find a job in the meantime Wallace don't worry I got it all figured out Dear Mr Griffin we regret to inform you that we cannot offer you a space Another big dance check in the mail I Was just 5 years away from three figures a month Joe this stuff is great Yep One man's murdered estranged wife is another man's treasure Brian I'm going to have to ask you to put down the
severed limb I brought this from home Drop it Drop it Ah damn it You said drop it so now I got to drop it You know we should team up and write a true crime novel You don't happen to have any cases featuring pretty blonde women do you no those get Solved pretty quickly This victim was brunette and a little heavy Okay getting warmer We'll just change a few key details so people care Gutierrez Nope Gordon Murdered on an Indian reservation Let's try Beverly Hills I'm thinking we go novel podcast docuer then full-blown blockbuster But
we'd also be doing this for the families right is that a new streaming platform no like the families of the victims Oh right Yeah sure In fact we'll give them a sliver of the Proceeds And I'll give the fictional version of their daughter bigger boobs Like like real heavy naturals Oh yeah That sounds like a good compromise [Music] Your special cart Mrs G just gave the wheels a fresh coat of WD40 Why thank you James Oh Roberto if you weren't missing half an arm I'd definitely consider it Oh how's the 6029s today h Oh Mrs
Lois very fresh What's she talking about Mommy kale dear It's inside a speak for kale That can't possibly be a thing Let me just find someone to make sure Oh looks like someone got pulled from the night shift cuz I've never seen this free sample Peter ladies and gentlemen we have a plot twist on Isisle 4 I'm the assistant manager who thinks work should be fun and definitely not a corporate spy here to keep unions from forming But now that we're talking about it can you imagine If you had a grievance and couldn't talk to
me directly anyway I'm Elliot and I'm paying close attention to who posts what on the breakroom corkboard [Music] Peter what are you doing here you told me to get a job and they were hiring I love it here Plus they let me joke around with the Wells Fargo guys who work here Yes I'd like to make a deposit please Is it another 100 grand chocolate bar okay so I've had you before Peter The grocery store is kind of my domain Well I'm glad you got a job I don't love that you got one here Don't
worry you won't even know I'm here unless you're near the front door which I can open with the force Excuse me Where are the peanuts aisle 7 Peter peanuts are on aisle two Yeah I just tell them whatever number and then I disappear into the produce mist Peter Peter There was never Peter Only loose carrots The body was discovered around 900 p.m Unfortunately I couldn't make it down to the crime scene because there were no ramps Okay I'm going to write Tonight all the streets in this town were a dead end I never saw the
body It was cold so they sent me on a coffee run My lap can accommodate two trays and I can't feel the spills She was found in a creek her bosoms frozen solid She was a heavy set 60some in welder's coveralls No one from Beverly Hills had ever been strangled by Their own cheerleader skirt before Oh wow I can't believe I'm seeing how the sausage is made Hey so when you open a book and you see Random House is that something we come up with uh no that's that's the publisher's name I see Just drinking
it all in And what about the list of cities you see under that name because I was thinking we should put New York Paris Cooko Those are just the cities where the publisher has offices And Cookamo isn't a real city Joe you Try telling the Beach Boys that I don't know what our title should be yet but beneath it it should say soon to be a major motion picture I always buy the book when I see that Why don't we just focus on the writing oh hey you ever see books where the edges of the
pages are gold yeah that's so cool [Music] What is going on in here who put price tags on all the cans and why is everything labeled 69 griffin Family Grocery is currently under renovation Please excuse our gut Peter where are you you're in a box from behind a oneway mirror And why'd you rearrange everything i just want to find my vitamins Covered four Now that's covered seven Now on Is it warmer or colder ma'am don't worry This happens all the time I'm sure you have your receipt What no I don't have a receipt Okay then
we're just going to go to the office Call your parents and send you on your way Daddy I just There going to be some changes around here First off no more lipstick That's how all this trouble started Okay so we just need the ending Who was the murderer oh I have no idea It's a cold case That's what makes them cold No one knows how to solve them Well how do we finish our novel if we don't know what happened in real life ghost Cup no Do you know what this means we're going to put
on our Sherlock Holmes hats and solve the murder ourselves Dear stalker hats Joe But yes stupid non writer Okay Brian Now when you're visiting the family of a deceased victim you need to hold a hat over your chest It shows you care All I have is this crown from our Burger King lunch Hats a hat How can I help you officer and your highness hi Yes we're here with many questions about your daughter You know The dead one you you remember her we'd love any details Is this some sort of sick joke i assure you
it's not ma'am We're writing a future hit novel based on your daughter's murder We just need to know who did it And between us it'll be great if one of you did What is this what do you want did you know John Benet Ramsay's dad dated Natalie Holloway's mom what does that have to do with our case well nothing It's just kind of weird right do you happen to have any Grainy video footage of her singing an emotional song in a talent show maybe Green Day's Time of Your Life that would really bust this project
wide open for us You're both unwell Well that was a bust Sorry I've been holding this in since Burger King No seriously You're just going to leave that there these people have suffered a terrible loss At least cover it with leaves or something Fine [Music] Joe look I found something It's a key to a storage unit How do you know that yeah Me and Bonnie have been doing a fun roleplay thing where she dresses up like a sexy maid and then locks me in a storage unit while guys come over Oh yeah It's pretty kinky
I uh I play the role of a sexy armois waiting in another room Sounds like she just wants you out of the house for a while Nah No It's okay Lois It's a big store You may not even run into Peter Good morning How Much are the muscles $34 a month at Bley's Total Fitness Peter why are you behind the fish counter i got a promotion Emphasis on the ocean Fine What do you got that's fresh well I got a teenage son at home What a mouth on that kid That's it You have ruined groceries
for me Get the hell out of my store you imbecile Um excuse me miss Did you just yell at this employee you're damn right I did He has no business being here This man is a member of the Stop and Shop family He has every business being here You on the other hand will have to go You're banned from the store What no you can't do this I have shopped here my whole life Yes we know If it's any consolation you'll be in the inmemoriam section of the grocery store Oscars No no no no You
can't put me after Betty White Didn't Brent of Aaro die or something no I live here in Isisle 4 with the Cotex [Music] tampons Still more absorbent than the leading brand The worst part is I can't even go back to my favorite grocery store I personally think you should give Peter a taste of his own medicine and get a job at his special place The men's room at Logan Airport No the drunken clam Oh okay Cuz he had this one experience there that he still talks about to this day But that is an intriguing idea
Bonnie I'm glad you think so Well as white women in conversation we're now obligated to spend 5 minutes talking about Sedona Arizona Oh I'd love to go I know Well my friend Linda got a massage there after her divorce And my friend Trish bought a painting there Ah we got to go We got to go [Music] Hey you two haven't seen Peta have you asking as a waitress trying to teach him a lesson by working at his favorite Place not as his wife Whoa check out the turd cutter on the new chick That's right I
work here now I'm going to be here all the time Oh how does it feel to have someone invade your special space it feels great Speaking of invading special places How about this hey sweetie When do you get off work me and my wife are more friends at this point than anything Don't get me wrong she's a great girl Raise my children but time takes its toll You know what I mean what My wife and I have an arrangement so I'm not doing anything wrong here technically Well this isn't working If you want to meet
me in my car later it's the one with the blue lives matter sticker But like not for cops It's for It's for Grover [Music] Well who's going in first kind of feels like you should since you're a dog Are you scared Joe would a scared person do This not so fast I'm Sarah Kanig Big fan of your work No one turns another person's suffering into profit better Listen up I want this case for my podcast so you need to drop it And if you don't I could make you disappear We're sponsored by Casper Mattresses That
wasn't a threat I have a code if you want it Stand down Sarah I'm Keith Morrison and I want this case for Dine There are only a few hundred unsolved murders left and There's a million true crime content creators My grandson taught me that term Who's okay Boomer now we're NPR's team of women with lisps and names nobody's ever had like Sylvia Delgado Smith and Audi Takahashi I'm Chris Hansen from To Catch a Predator and I'm just here in case any of you turn out to be pedophiles Warm chocolate chip cookie anyone no I claimed
this cold case for cereal Not if I record a dine first [Music] [Music] Please rate and review my life It's someone take care of my dog You could usually hear in the background of my podcast A foggy night at a storage unit in Khog The sleepy little town of Khog is usually all tucked in by 1000 p.m You know what we're no better than them We've been exploiting the victim's life for our own personal gain I I think it's Time for us to abandon writing this book Or maybe we set it to rap lyrics and
take it to Broadway I think we're done here You know Joe even though it didn't work out it was nice to spend some time with someone who actually believed in my writing Well as someone who's never read a book I absolutely do [Music] The waitress from the clam Holy crap Has Lois seen you we really don't have an Arrangement You got to get out of here No Peter enough What's the matter you wouldn't understand Okay I'd get back in there Chief Chris made me come back Oh honey the grocery store isn't just where I buy
food for the family It's my escape my refuge from being pested with dumb questions from the kids or having to clean up your messes Sometimes just a stroll down the ethnic food aisle makes me feel like I'm in a North African Bazaar Yeah I don't like the smells on that aisle And I don't know it's hard to explain but there's more It's not just a grocery store to me There's a whole community of people there who feel like family And now now I have nothing Ah Lois I'm so sorry for ruining your happy place And
I'm going to take care of it Just like I've been taking care of that egg since high school Oh my god I forgot to pick him up from soccer practice Hey do you need me to call your yolks Look you got to let Lois come back Please remove the band She loves this place I'm sorry but I can't do that She yelled at a mentally challenged person and that's unforgivable What i'm not mentally challenged You're not but that's literally the only reason we hired you Would a mentally challenged person be able to do this your
name tag says Big Pey Why do you think we all gather around and applaud you while you ride the coin operated Horse out front cuz I'm good at horses Wow I really thought you know we don't let all our employees insist that customers feel their muscles after bagging the order right okay fine Lois can come back but you're fired I need you to turn in your gun and badge Well I guess my work here is done to the Mickey copter See Disney nothing here but respectful synergy What happened did he open floor plan Long story
The Weiwork guy took our entire budget for the project as a holiday bonus But he has long hair and speaks confidently about the internet so he will get about eight more chances Ah yes the we work guy They thought he had created a $47 billion unicorn Turns out it was only a twobit donkey That's wet paint by the way A son of a Thanks for bringing us to your company picnic Peter This is going to be so much Fun Yeah I figured it's finally time you guys put faces to the people I've been bitching about
for the past 8 years Oh there's charity 5K guy Let's run Lupus out of town Huh guys cocky jo I work with Peter now There's the guy who started after me and was beneath me but now he's like higher up than I am Hey Bob Hey Darren Thank you all for coming to today's picnic Now for our main event the aerial OAM transfer or as it's sometimes known The egg toss This year as a special prize the winning team will receive a five night stay at my vacation home in Musataki Maine With miles of trails
it is one of Maine's premier hiking destinations and you're only a short bike ride away from its quaint downtown Let your cares melt away as you paddle across serene Lake June Peter that place in Maine is amazing It looks like a Stephen King book before anything bad happens Hi Gary How's it going how's Brenda oh she's great Just alive Super alive How are the boys yep All alive Children and pets All alive and acting like normal children and pets That's great Hey Hey Have you met that new stranger from not here nope See you tomorrow
Definitely [Music] Peter we got to win this vacation But there are so many other teams Relax Lois I brought a hard-boiled egg So while all the other teams are getting eliminated We can just play an angry dad game of catch So the school called to say they found part in your locker You want to tell me about that ow I'm not sure what we're doing Peter So how's that summer job hunt coming i don't think they're hiring in front of the TV all day Ow that's too hard You know what else is hard waking up
next to a woman you no longer love Try that on for size Peter they've all been eliminated Game is over but I think we should talk Yes The Griffins are going to Maine And if that isn't the perfect promo for the middle of a meaningless Vikings Packers game I don't know what is And the players have gathered around Clark And we can only hope that his injury wasn't too serious and we start to see some movement in those extremities And while we have this break in the action this Sunday on an allnew Family Guy the
Griffins are going to Maine on right after an allnew Bob's Burgers [Music] A family vacation in Maine My monogrammed canvas bag is going to be so excited You said it Lois I can't wait to get stuffed with old sunscreens and emergency tampons Yo a pool table Oh yeah I'm going to be getting all up in that How does one get all up in a pool table and wow look it's bigger than I thought So many bedrooms Yeah with all that extra space we can invite our Friends along Quagmire Joe and Barney Cleveland and his family
The whole gang could come Really do you think everyone would enjoy it lois do you know what's up in Maine arts Trading Post Ever since I was a kid I wanted to go up there to see the train bear show They ride bikes They wear Dracula fangs seasonally And then there's one part where Nipy the brown bear pretends to smoke a cigar And I'm not even kidding I don't know Peter It's a lot of people under one roof Come On Lois This is our big chance to yell at kids who aren't ours You know what
let's do it I think Bonnie's gained 5 lbs and I want to see her in a swimsuit While we're on the subject of Mrs Swanson and swimsuits question If Mrs Swanson goes swimming then hangs her bathing suit to dry in the bathroom am I allowed to ring the water into a cup and do what with it irrelevant Do not concern yourself with what happens to the water once it's in the cup Am I Allowed uh I'm going to say no All right Well the guy from Reddit already paid for the water but I'll I'll figure
something out I've been waiting a long time for this trip Brian To come to Maine huh i didn't think you were much of an outdoorsman The outdoors can get stuffed We're near Kenna Bunkport home of the Bush family compound And according to Dowy magazine the very place where Barbara Bush picked that one haircut 40 years ago and never Looked back See the perfect quaft lady fro I hear tell that she brought a Quaker Oats box into the salon and said this Uh-oh No pavement Lot of rocks and roots Good thing Joe brought his new off-road
tires I didn't pack the tires Oh nuts All right gang Time to head inside Now one quick heads up Every room has a lake view except one Somebody's going to have to look out over that girl's volleyball camp next door Nice serve Stacy [Music] What did I tell you Lois look at all those big smiles Cleveland Jr know what feet on the hardwood floor This is going to be a great week Hey Peter Will you call your boss for what i don't want to bug him already He wrote the Wi-Fi password in a font where
the big letter I's and the L juniors are the same thing I can't make heads or tails of it Are you calling Preston ask him about the towel Sitch I could only Find three and you're going to need those to clean the soda off the pool table We already spilled on the pool table Yeah me was really getting all up in it Hey Peter Uh someone either laid a giant turd or tried to flush a russet potato down the toilet It's totally clogged And Clark still unresponsive being carted off the field and into an ambulance
This week's Family Guy someone Lays a giant [Music] turd It's the single largest defeat I ever saw Should we try flushing it again as a show of force n Chris that'll only make it angry Okay here's the situation A stubborn BM is blocking up our main toilet I can't find a plunger so whoever did it needs to get in there with a dishwashing glove and punch it through So who was it say Chris that looks like a fresh rim Of sweat on your hat Wouldn't happen to be pushing sweat would it what no I was
reading a chapter book Meg you're generally gross Anything you want to fess up to no I'm dogging it this month for the environment That means I only go outside Saves water feeds the soil turns a few heads at the same time Okay this is disgusting Does it really matter who did it i'd kind of like to know Yeah we should at least make sure they don't need medical attention Well I'd like to Get on with my vacation There's got to be a plunger around here somewhere Peter come on Help me look Okay listen up We
don't have much time It was me Peter I clogged the toilet That was you how is that even possible it was all that fibery mom cereal the view told us to eat That turd has Joy Behar's fingerprints all over it But I need you to take the fall for me I don't know Lois Even for a husky guy like me it's shamefully large I know That's why I Need your help That is not a poop a woman can come back from Look you take the blame and I'll let you get two souvenirs at the bear
show It's not going to be like like like books is it no All right everybody listen up I'm the one who clogged the toilet Oh great As if that little slug of yours isn't embarrassing enough Sorry I have to make this believable So it's big Let's Let's just get through this Huh [Music] what the hell is happening life Peter That's what's happening I put together a whole itinerary of adventures for our week Wow this is very detailed 6:27 Read 627 on daily schedule Right on schedule Hey why some of this stuff highlighted in green but
my bear show is in yellow because the bear show is priority yellow A bear show would never be priority green All right as long as it's on there I guess Now to put on a pair of shorts I Never wear at home but packed for vacation hoping they'd magically fit Vacation Let's just pack the stuff we're sure fits You guys smell that you smell that air peter you still back there i don't hear you smelling that air Yeah I'm here I'm just having a hard time on the one bike that was stored under the deck
all winter instead of in the Garage We better hit this all morning Is it time to go to the bear show yet soon Peter But before that the itinerary has us going to a must visit local market that no local has ever stepped foot in Now be sure to put your bikes down in a place that blocks the path of people just trying to live their lives We're doing vacation really good you guys God I hate these stores They're so tiny so the owner's right on top of you the Whole time Can I wrap that
for you oh a gutbe You're such a tourist here Follow my lead You know how it's typically rude to talk to people about their finances yeah Well in a small town market you can come right out and ask Viona if he makes enough money to feed his family You just have to do it in the voice white ladies use with people who don't speak English Was it a good tourist season or will your children go without this business you've dedicated your life to is very Cute to me Isn't this fun Peter now don't forget to
say bye like the world's biggest ass Bye Bye-bye Bye How are those burgers coming along fine I guess Well thanks for volunteering to cook I didn't volunteer Everyone just called me grill master until I submitted Spoken like a true grill master Whatever Hey everybody we got to eat quick if we're going to catch the bear show They kept on a roboten and zoloft heavy diet So they fall asleep pretty early Okay I'll tell Chris he's down at the dock fishing There he is the bait master I think I misunderstood the assignment Well let's see what
you got I wouldn't look in the bucket [Music] Sorry we closed 20 minutes ago What wait a minute If you closed 20 minutes ago why are you just flipping the sign now owner said I had to wait to flip it until it would devastate a fat guy I Told him he was crazy but you look pretty upset That's why he's the boss What's going on Peta they're closed That's what's going on And now we got to come all the way back here tomorrow Oh we're actually closed permanently After decades of very valid animal cruelty complaints
it was easier to shut down than to keep cleaning fake pea blood off our clothes I'm sorry what yeah honestly it's a miracle they let us go as long as we did Not a single license or permit For this whole thing One day we just started putting bears on pogo sticks and no one ever told us to stop This can't be happening Sorry You should have been here earlier for the bear flash sale I was strapping them to people's cars like Christmas trees See that guy got one By the end we didn't even charge people
We were just giving the bears away Just giving the bears away Just giving the bears away Just giving the bears away Sorry you didn't see the bears Peter but Quagmire has us going blueberry picking tomorrow Maybe you'll see a bear then I do not want to see a wild bear Lois I want to see a unicycle bear and a fez You know I still don't really get it A bear on a unicycle It sounds kind of dumb It's not dumb It's hilarious and it's the only thing I wanted to do this entire trip You know
if I remember correctly part of our deal was I get two souvenirs from the bear show Well I'm Looking around and I don't see any plastic bearheads on sticks that I can make bite things That means I get to tell everyone it was you who clogged the toilet Lois that was you But it had such a man stink You know what Donna going in the bathroom after you ain't exactly a walk through the rose garden so I'd be quiet right about now Don't listen to him Donna We think your movements smell very ladylike Isn't that
right kids oh of Course cuz you all agree on everything Just a perfect family aren't you news flash normal families fight and like spending time away from each other Sir sir I'm going to need you to calm down sir Stop acting like a real cop Joe Your right leg is in a knot Yeah they got a little tangled when Bonnie dipped me in the lake God I can't believe I thought it'd be a good idea to bring you people on this trip The only reason I still talk to any Of you is cuz we live
on the same street And after this week I am seriously considering a move Peter Peter I'm sorry but 7:05 sunset so I need to simulate more trumpet songs with Giggity Giggity Giggity Give me that thing Oh no How will you distract yourself from the fact that you're going to die alone without your precious itinerary whoa Son of a Oh my god the cabin's on fire [Music] Heavens Hey thanks for coming out Guess all that's left to do is get a picture of me in the truck and uh you fellas can be on your way God
look at this place If Preston finds out I torched his house I'm screwed you guys We got to fix this fast But I'm sure it's nothing a resourceful group of best friends like us can't handle right look I know Peter said some very mean things but what's important right now is That no one was hurt That's not entirely true Lois Your reusable grocery bags didn't make it What your bags They were lost in the fire No No No Oh you son of a [ __ ] Peter Griffin what have you done i will never forgive
you for this Do you hear me i will never forgive you [Music] Well Peter you made it crystal clear we're no longer wanted So we'll leave you be Yeah you can deal with this mess On your own Let's go everybody [Music] Why aren't we moving we got to wait for Joe to back out of the driveway cuz he pulled in last Sorry If I knew you were doing a big dramatic exit I would have rearranged the cars this morning You mind if I wait till I'm all the way in to tell you off yeah that's
fine [Music] [Applause] Shame on you Peter It is people like you Who go All right Peter don't panic You got till the end of the week to fix this Maybe there's an online tutorial that'll help What's going on guys i'm Corey from Cory's World Today I'm going to show you how to patch a big hole in your boss's cabin Here's what you'll need A drywall saw tape measure and so what did I say turn off the power so you don't drill into a live wire like my stepdad Todd Now our spoons move when he walks
in the kitchen To do that can't sing opera Damn it Peter Focus Your job is on the line Oh touché recommended videos I know you're leading me down a rabbit hole to ISIS beheadings but this was a bullseye Preston I wasn't expecting to hear from you for a couple of days Yes well I realized I only provided three towels for the entire cabin so I'm on my way to deliver more Oh you don't have to come all the way up here just for that Unfortunately I do My OCD won't allow me to stop clicking until
the cabin has 15 towels Well I should let you go A new car is in front of me and I need to do math problems with its license plate number [Music] All right everything I need to get out of this mess is right here Power drill level circular saw Perfect How can Preston fire me if he can't get inside my defenses are down Oh no he's Here Well I guess it's time to face the music What are you guys doing here we came back to help you Peter And it's not just us Did we time
it right did you say not just us before we pulled over the horizon yeah it was perfect Yes that is why we practiced in the Walmart parking lot But I was such a jerk to all of you Why would you help me now lois says you were the one pushing to invite us on the Trip at all Called us your best friends And we should have made a better effort to get to your bear show instead of making the trip all about what we wanted to do Yeah we left without any of our chargers If
it was just the blocks you know big whoop-dedoo But it was the wires too So what do you say can we help you fix the cabin Peta i'd like that Now let's go chop down some ancient pine trees to save this millionaire's vacation home Yeah The chimney has proved stalwart Well that's Preston I'm sorry for what I said Only true friends would come back to help the way you did and that's all that matters True friends will also stay to watch their friend get fired Thanks guys I'll probably cry That's okay It'll make a better
Tik Tok Griffin what the hell my cabin it's completely destroyed I'm so sorry Preston but you got to know this was completely my fault My friends and family were a perfect guest and they Had nothing to do with it If you want to fire me or issue some main justice and clamp some lobsters to my nipples I understand Peter you don't understand I hate it up here The small town pace the pressure to relax the barn owl that pushed my wife down a staircase I don't get it Then why have the cabin at all an
address in Maine allowed me to establish an ethically dubious but technically legal shell company But now with the money I'll save from taking a casualty deduction on the destroyed property I won't need that Hey Preston I know the cabin's a mess but we still got 3 days into prize week Could we finish out our trip here in Maine together i don't see why not Maine a day and a half is probably enough Well we had our troubles but I'm glad we're back at home safe and sound Peta what are you talking about this is all
a dream You had a stress heart Attack during the egg toss Poor Darren And we're back with our coverage of the Cohog Thanksgiving Day Parade Happy Turkey Day Cohog This is Tom Tucker and Joyce Kenny live at the parade We've got some on andoff drizzle here today And we're a little wet as you can see because apparently there are no awnings that exist anywhere There's your top news story right there Mysterious awning shortage ravages the Northeast but Miraculously has not affected channels 2 or six No no Keep the camera over there I want everyone to
see it This is why we're third And here comes our first float of the day Tom It's the James Woods High Football Team with their not gay review And here comes the Rocky and Bullwinkle float Always a popular sight here at the Somebody want to handle that some Does somebody want to deal with that the car alarm would You're kidding Well viewers To top it off that's the Channel 5 news van you're hearing Phil Phil just open it Unlock the doors You don't have to put the key in the ignition Well open the driver's side
first Okay Well I guess it's broken then and there's nothing we can do about it Okay Happy Thanksgiving Cohog Here's a car alarm All right Well I guess we'll Ah there we go That must be Joe and Bonnie Now remember everyone let's be cheerful cuz Thanksgivings are very hard for them Cuz Joe can't walk now cuz his bum doesn't open up to poo anymore and a nurse has to go digging up there to get up after his stuff Oh my god I know That was told to me in confidence No Don't you remember Peter it
was on Thanksgiving that their son Kevin got killed in Iraq Look who's here Happy Thanksgiving Gobble gobble You guys thanks so much for having us over Well we're just glad we can have people over again now that That giant crab's gone Hey guys how you doing come on in No no no no no no no no no no Just go around it He's not going to hurt you Just go around it No no no no no no no no no no no All right I tried just going under him I think we should probably just
go home Maybe we'll do it another time No no no no no [Music] What the hell mom Mom it's me Mom Oh yeah It's a baby It's a big balloon baby just like you're a baby No it's me It's A balloon of me Peter come look at this He sees a baby and knows that he's also a baby So smart Mama's smart little boy Check out Quagmire It's been a year and a half and he still looks uncomfortable around his dad Well it's a big adjustment After all his dad did have a sex change operation
So uh how how are things Dad oh Glenn I can't tell you how wonderful it is to be back here This is going to be a really special Thanksgiving Happy Thanksgiving We Brought chicken wings Oh yum I hope they're the kind with the bone removed Hey and Carol Hey Uncle Adam La Don't mention last night's project runway I've got it on to Happy Thanksgiving I brought marshmallow peeps Oh okay I'm going to need that Pyrex dish back Okay I'm going to need it back now Oh I don't want anything else today to get as tense
as that Just got Carol it's so good to see you You too Lois God that is one nice ass Thank you You're welcome This is nice This is very nice The time that we're spending together right now Easy Joe Sorry Just making mental memories for when you're all inevitably dead and I'm left alone Jeez Quagmire help me out with this No he's right I mean sometimes chicks die and it's not anyone's fault Okay everyone it's 2:30 Time for dinner Cuz on Thanksgiving 2:30 is dinner time for some reason Oh my Lois those sweet potatoes look
Delicious That's the stuffing Ma Now put on your glasses before you run over another black guy Oh this looks fantastic I can't wait to poop this out Hey who's going to get the Thanksgiving dump trophy this year you are Dad's going to get it Who else loving loving family Well dig in everyone Hello Ida Hello Brian How have you been very well thank you He threw up when he found out you were a monster This food Is so good Lois Ah okay Wow Hey is there room at that table for one more [Music] oh my
god Kevin Swanson Son you're alive Oh and I stayed up all night writing dead kid jokes All right you know what i'm going to do one anyway Kevin go back outside Hey everybody pretend this didn't happen Hey Joe what's your favorite preparation of a tomato is it sundy tomato is it sundy tomato okay Kevin you Can come back in Welcome home soldier Sundy tomato Kevin you're alive I don't believe it Oh my god it's a miracle Well I guess you replaced real butter as the star of the dinner But I don't understand The army said
you'd been killed in action What happened well it's quite a story In some ways army life in Iraq is what you'd expect What with the blistering heat the constant sense of impending danger and the one gay soldier awkwardly avoiding The use of pronouns Man I sure miss my sweetheart back home I can't wait to get back to that person Chowo time boys Yes sir Sergeant Major General Captain Ah come on boys It's Thanksgiving Call me Major General Captain Now you eat up I don't trust that turkey those Iraqis made Ah you're all wet Swanson I
call the white meat I call the dark meat I call the cell phone duct taped to the side No they're all dead sir Except for Swanson He's in a coma but he's unlikely to recover Okay well just send Swanson's parents a letter saying that he's dead cuz those are already printed You know what send one to my parents too I spent 5 years in a Kuwait military hospital I woke up from the coma last week and I flew straight here Kind of a Thanksgiving surprise Hey when you get sexually abused while you're in a coma
do you know it's happening and just can't do anything about it or do you not Even know what's going on i also am curious about that Hey Kevin you know I put a yellow ribbon on my car for you guys and and a little thing that says I support the troops cuz there's nothing I wouldn't do for you guys but I don't have any change on me right now Well all that matters is that my boy is home Kevin I want you to meet your little sister Suzy Wow Hey little sis I guess we got
some catching up to do huh hope you don't get scared when I scream and Have night terrors It's quite all right I've seen worse A human centipede How ghastly Your mother and I are very proud of you Kevin You're a war hero I don't feel like a war hero Only a war hero would say that Hey so what about the female soldiers over there were they able to contribute yeah you know they did their best What were their regular bleedings when they got shot did they even know look guys I'm not a hero and I
don't want to be Treated any different than before Just that you would say that means we should treat you different Come on guys let's give them all our best food Okay now you eat up and then we're all going to go out back and play some Thanksgiving touch football Excuse me War hero Thanksgiving touch football Yeah USA I didn't even know there was a war Okay let's pick teams I'll be a captain And uh Mayor West you can be a captain All right I pick you You can't pick me I'm a captain No one had
ever stood up to me like that before I respected him from there on out That's a great story Grandpa I didn't like it None of my grandchildren had ever disliked one of my stories before From then on he was my favorite Well I don't like that story great grandpa Future old people are wizards Okay so here's your game I'm I'm drunk and I'm going to throw the football too hard at My kids Oh Dad Do we have to Don't cry Don't cry Game's over if you cry I want you to learn about life Chris Cuz
of in life it's like this Peter I think you may have had one too many Maybe it's time to ease off Huh what are you talking about Lois dad's getting drunk on Thanksgiving is a holiday tradition I work hard to put a cordicopia on this table and you're out showing your lower ankle to every Tom and other Tom in our village Don't talk to mother in like Fashion That's it The belt is coming off All right son Let's put these bozos in a hurt locker right cuz hurt locker means some kind of war hero thing
or something My friends and I used to laugh about how fake that movie is But Well wait I uh I'm pretty sure that movie came out after you went into your coma right no no I I was talking about a different movie Let's play ball Yeah let's play ball The world has changed around me and I'm Mad and scared Lois this pumpkin pie looks delightful Hey Kevin can I see your purple heart cuz I never actually seen one One one time this homeless guy showed me his purple head but looking back I'm I'm not so
sure that that was a military thing I didn't want that stupid metal You know what I did with it i threw it back over the White House fence Wait a minute I thought you said you flew straight home from Kuwait after you woke from your Coma When did you throw your metal over the White House fence no I I told you I I flew to DC ditched the medals and flew home I guess that was just his dirty hobo penis huh kevin why would you want to get rid of your war medals like that cuz
it was a stupid war You know all it did was put me in a coma and kill one of my bunkmates and [ __ ] the other one for life Wh wait a minute now I thought earlier you said that both of your bunkmates were killed Now you're saying Only one of them was But I just want you guys to know I barely even stared at that penis for an hour What come on Dad Would have Hey why is it so hot in here it's too hot in here Wait a minute An Ed Hardy t-shirt
that particular strain of douchebag didn't arise until 2007 while you were supposedly in your coma Look get off my case Dad What do you want from me the truth Fine Here's the truth I was never in any coma okay i bailed I faked my death and went awall I faked my Own death once [Music] No dentist appointment for this guy So there it is I'm not a war hero I abandoned my platoon So now what do we do me am I Am I supposed to say something kevin you're under arrest for the crime of desertion
Oh my Um maybe it's time for us girls to hit the powder room You may use the yard So you were lying to us this whole time You weren't really injured in Iraq First Pat Tilman Lies about how he died and now you Kevin I don't understand There's nothing to understand Our son is a deserter Come on Kevin I'm taking you to jail Joe wait Not now Bonnie Joe you can't Bonnie we'll discuss this later Joe you're not taking my son anywhere Damn it You guys are ruining Thanksgiving And it's my second favorite holiday right
after pretend not to notice people's race day Hey you seen Reggie around which one is Reggie oh uh today he's wearing yellow Pants uh yellow shirt yellow hat yellow shoes Uh he's got a gold tooth uh diamond earring Um he's got that big necklace with a dollar sign on it Uh he's always grabbing his crotch when he's telling a story like the one about when he found out his mother is really his grandmother Could you be more specific uh oh let's see Uh he always wears cheap cologne uh drives a Mercury Cougar with a crown
on the dashboard Uh never pays his alimony Uh he's extremely Cut for a guy who never works out Oh there he is Thanks anyway Hey Reggie Look maybe we should just let Kevin explain why he did what he did At first I believed in the cause but then I saw what we were doing to the people of Iraq Innocent people There was one that I'll never forget He was a little Iraqi street kid I befriended him a few months earlier Couldn't have been more than 12 years old I taught him how to crack wise American
style I guess that store is having a fire sale I tell you that kid was strongheaded for his age Smart but innocent And then one day there was a firefight We bring in this civilian who got killed in the crossfire I pull back the sheet and who is it not the kid but like the kid's dad's like coworker's neighbor He was 74 and he had actually tried to rape someone But just looking down at his dead face and knowing that he lived near Someone who worked with the dad of the kid whose name I never
found out I lost all hope That's when I knew I had to get out of Iraq I just had to wait for my chance I call the white meat I call the dark meat I call the cell phone duct tape to the side No Somehow I've been spared that Thanksgiving But I can't say the same for my bunkmates There were bits and pieces of them everywhere I knew the army would never be able to identify who Was who So that was my chance to disappear So I left How could you do that coward traitor if
you think that I'm going to masturbate after this tonight you're right We don't have to sit here and listen to this Come on Kevin Let's get out of here Nice try Skank Worth a shot Well where did you go after you left the war i spent a few years laying low wrote some poems You want to hear some no Are you sure they're pretty intense No Here let me Just read one If I can guess a line in there will you not read it i don't think you'll be able to guess a line Is it
something like ice burns as hot as fire okay Okay So then I went to Europe Australia Canada all over But I really missed you guys I wanted to be with people who love me no matter what So I came home Well it sounds to me like you're a regular Benedict Arnold Drummond What What's he expecting us to cut to i think he wants maybe I don't Know Gary Coleman and a Napoleon hat Well we don't have that We We got to come up with something Well we got uh we got the Cowardly Lion is Lindsay
Lohan's gynecologist Play it Play it But he didn't set it up Play it All right I'm going to check her for diseases There's just one thing I want you to do What's that talk me out of it No no no What the hell is going on up there well I'm sorry you all feel the way you do but I walked away from an illegal war of Aggression being fought 6,000 mi away from our shores Better there than here where all my stuff is So what you you figured you'd just let him get away with 9/11
mr Griffin Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11 And the war we started in Iraq has killed a half a million of their people which is like 200 9/11s So I guess those moments of silence we had at those sporting events meant nothing to you I'm just saying this war is wrong Son your job isn't to decide whether It's right or wrong Your job is to follow orders Well that's what the Nazi soldiers did isn't it they followed orders You're saying our troops are like the Nazis No I'm just saying that blindly following orders has
resulted in the deaths of millions of people throughout history You know I have not talked to Carol all night Carol how are you look I I think you guys are all rushing to judge Kevin without knowing what it was like to be in his shoes He Saw horrific things in a horrific war that only one other person here could possibly come close to understanding Ida She was in the military She's seen battle She's seen innocent people butchered by war machines And I'm sure that Ida more than anyone else here can understand and support the choice
that Kevin made No Brian I do not understand Kevin's choice and I do not support it Okay Well that's just some dumb drag queen Son when you go to war you don't End up fighting for your country or your family or your flag You're fighting for your fellow soldiers there in the foxhole with you You walked out on those men and that's what's most unforgivable You know what everyone forget it Up till today you guys thought I was dead Well I'm not But after all this Dad you may as well take me to prison cuz
right now I wish I was dead If anyone has wanted whipped cream on me pie it's not my fault I can't get a word in edgewise Around here Kevin I don't want to lose you again but I do have a job to do So get moving cuz there's at least one Swanson man in this room who does his duty Duty means poop It does Are you Dad are you the only one who does his duty that's not how I remember it What are you talking about you don't remember do you i was in first grade
You took me out with you on one of your shifts I just think it's presumptuous I mean come on The country's best yogurt you know prove It Show me your data Help please That man's a thief Go get him Dad [Music] Reach for the sky dirt bag What the hell i'm sorry officer I was just trying to feed my family I don't care what you were trying to do You broke the law I know I didn't know what else to do I have three very wideeyed children to feed Wideeyed children are the hungriest Kids Daddy
has to go away for a while Okay Take care of mommy until she dies tomorrow It's okay Daddy I'll be the man of the shack while you're gone Ah listen There's been a mistake I'm not here to arrest your father You're not no son I just came over to tell you what a great guy your father is and how hard he's been working for all of you Wait you're letting me go i don't understand Well I'm not sure I do either I know the law says I have to arrest you but Sometimes the law is
just a piece of paper There's right there's wrong and somewhere in between there's life You folks have a good day I never forgot what you did Well thanks for coming you guys You know what you were doing that day Dad you were breaking the law You knew what your duty told you you were supposed to do But instead you did what you thought was right I haven't thought about that family in years I think about them all The time And the example you set for me that day It's the very reason I left Iraq It
shucks how early I have to work Well Kevin I still can't say that I agree with your choice Not one bit But I suppose sometimes a man has to do what he thinks is right And if that's what you thought was right I guess I can accept it Glad you're home son Me too Dad You know there's still some pumpkin pie left everyone That sounds good to me Me Too Hey happy Thanksgiving to us all huh hello Wait that man's an imposttor I'm the real Kevin Swanson Guys I don't think we have time for this
[Music] Good evening I'm Tom Tucker And the reason I'm wearing this mask is because we've got a Makea-Wish kid in the studio tonight who as you'll find out as the show goes on is quite a coffer In local news Mayor West signed a bill today See That's that's what I was talking about Are we going to get that or or we going to wait for a commercial no No You have to spray it You can't just wipe You know what let's just throw the whole camera out Okay Joyce you talk now I I don't even
want to open my mouth You know Tom I haven't seen you in a mask since you went under the stage name George P Wilbur Oh Joyce you know we don't talk about that on the air Oh my god Did she Did she just say That George P Wilbur was Tom Tucker's stage name Who the hell is George P Wilbur that's the guy who played Michael Myers in Halloween 4 the greatest movie of all time I've only seen that movie about a thousand times How could I not have noticed that good evening I'm Michael Myers I
have enormous psychological problems and I'm going to take them out on you It is him I can't believe it I mean that's like my favorite movie ever I thought The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas was your favorite movie No that's my favorite period piece Well Dad and good night and good luck even though I was tricked into leaving early Good night and good luck And good night and good luck to you sir [Music] Oh hi Chris How was school it was great I met a girl Mom That's wonderful honey Yeah Her name is Lindsay like
the state Is she nice yeah she's really nice and super pretty And her bicycle seat smells Like strawberries Oh okay I'm going to go upstairs and alternate between hopeful excitement and suicidal pessimism Got to get the energy up Found it Hey excuse me Mr Tucker You got a second oh hello Peter Sure Come on in Thanks Um hey listen I just found out that you were the guy who played Michael Myers in Halloween 4 and I just want to say I think that was the most brilliant performance ever in the history of Everything and I
wanted to see if you would sign my DVD Oh I suppose Thanks Hey so what happened how come you never did any more movies well I tried to make a career out there in Hollywood but I just didn't realize how tough acting is Well you know what they say tough acting acting I wish I'd known that then You see life after Halloween 4 wasn't exactly smooth sailing Once I stepped out from behind that mask Hollywood gave me the cold Shoulder The work I did manage to get was usually just bit parts that didn't last too
long Like the role of Denise's boyfriend on the Cosby Show It's nice to meet you Martin Thank you Mrs Huxable So if you guys are a family why are none of you the same shade of black i was also coked out of my skull most of the time Don't you miss it every second of every day But I can't touch Coke again It would ruin my life No I mean acting Oh of course But it's over for me That's All in the past Well if you ask me you got the makings of a star and
I want to help you get there Well it's a nice offer but I'm not quite sure how you expect to do that Well you've brought me so much joy over the years as that lovable murderer of teenagers and I want to return the favor I I don't even have an agent anymore Well and how about this i'll be your agent You yeah Yeah I've seen every episode of Entourage All you need is some fake hair and a bunch of Hobbits hanging around you You're on in 5 minutes Mr Tucker You don't belong here You're better
than this You're Halloween for better Look I appreciate your offer but I've got a pretty good thing going here In a few minutes I've got to be on camera in front of 800 people Good evening Cohog I'm Tom Tucker Our top story tonight the Rhode Island Historical Society is heralding the arrival of a cast iron oak handled colonial bed sheet warmer now on display In the state house rotunda Okay there it is As I understand it they would put the coal inside of that and then put the object between the sheets Was very cold back
then and it would warm the sheets And I I think that's the gist of it How much footage of this do we have oh Oh this is live This can Can she hear me okay you you can put it down now You She can't hear me Okay What the hell is going on here is it Is it Am I having a stroke Wait Peter don't go So you changed your mind huh buddy we going to Hollywood you betcha But I have to say I thought you'd drive a fancier car What why well aren't you the
Peter Griffin of Peter Griffin Cadillac no that's another guy Hi I'm Peter Griffin and at Peter Griffin Cadillac we believe in three things: fair dealing family and friendship I've lived in Khog my whole life I love it here And you're going to love a Peter Griffin Cadillac scumbag [Music] All right Lois remember to feed the cat and remember to get a cat I still don't understand why you got to go all the way to Hollywood It's because I know Tom Tucker could be a great actor and I'm going to help him make it happen You
see everybody needs just one person to believe in their dreams so they can spread their wings and fly Dad can I have money for dance classes sit down you dumpy bread loaf I'd pay to see you In that dance When will you be back i don't know but I'll be sure to be back before Chris's big dance class recital I believe in that boy I don't want to dance You'll dance [Music] boy I I don't know Peter Being back out here makes me kind of nervous Maybe maybe this was all a mistake Don't be silly
Tom You're an actor and this is where you belong Now let's take some of this complimentary luggage and get going Well so how do we do this you do nothing You just sit back and let your agent knock on every door in Hollywood till he gets you an acting job And that starts right now Yes C Can I help you no but I can help you You need to hire this man Oh Um okay Well do you have any experience handling bags i see Typical casting couch stuff All right kid You want to make it
in showbiz or don't you I thought the airport was Hollywood [Music] Hey Mom I want you to meet my new girlfriend New girlfriend yeah You remember that girl Lindsay I told you about well I asked her out and now we are dating Lindsay this is my mom my little brother Stewie and my dog Brian Hey Oh my god My goodness look at you Do you even realize who you look like cameron Diaz That's who You are gorgeous Well She's awful pretty I know that Mom Very pretty Stunning Are you kidding me are they not seeing
this i know It's kind of creepy It's almost like he's dating Lois Yeah Looks like somebody's getting a little edipusy Can we say that just did All right Tom This is totally going to work All the biggest Hollywood players eat here and we just got to make them think we're one of them That's why I got these old Hollywood Jew glasses Waiter Oh waiter Yes sir Are you gentlemen Ready to order yes I will have the big and fancy and my client here will have a bottle of your best steak Right away sir Peter I'm
not sure what any of this has to do with getting me acting jobs Tom who's the agent here you are And who is the actor well I am Wait which one am I again the agent And who's paying for dinner i assumed you were Ah then we best load our pockets with bread and get the hell out of here We have to go Not expensive enough Excuse me I couldn't help but notice your glasses your poor table manners and your huge sense of entitlement Are you an agent i am You've got 10 seconds to dazzle
me Go Well I'm the casting director for NCIS and we need an actor for a small role that shoots tomorrow This is your man That's great He's got just the look we're after Show up here at 10:00 a.m tomorrow How about that huh Tom you're back in business Wow Peter I can't believe it Hey don't be so Surprised I've been pounding the pavement for you buddy I even gave out all my business cards Call me Call me Call me Call me Call me Call me Call me Ah show business [Music] Oh hi you two You
know Lindsay I just want to say how nice it is to have such a beautiful young woman in our home Oh a baby I almost had one of you twice Who didn't right so what are you two up to tonight well we really haven't Decided yet Yeah I'll think of something while I'm taking a chick dump in your parents' bathroom And I will hold your purse Good for Chris huh he picked a peach didn't he lois don't you think maybe part of the reason you like Lindsay could be because she looks so much like you
what what are you talking about come on She's clearly an awful person And And I think it's possible that your vanity has made you a little blind to that Oh I see what's going on Here You're jealous Chris has a wonderful young woman in his life and you've got nothing She's kind of right Brian All you've got is a worn out rope toy and that squirrel who comes by once a day to taunt you Hey Hey get out of here This is our yard You don't belong there Don't you touch anything I told you all
this yesterday [Music] to your first big TV acting job We now return to NCIS Oh here it is Here comes My part Excuse me I'm looking for Ed Manzelli Good evening I'm Ed Manzelli What can I do for you i'm looking for a guy who used to work here Name's Mario You got any idea where he could be i haven't seen him in over a month That's the end of my line your line NCIS you son of a [ __ ] You made me feel again Oh don't you go cuz I'll go You know Peter
I just want to thank you for all you've done for me You You are One hell of an agent Well with you as a client it's easy Mr Griffin Yes Sandra You have a secretary she calls herself an assistant But yes What is it Sandra there's a man here to see you He says he wants to talk to you about being his agent Really well then by all means send him in Hey Knuckle Butts James Woods But I I don't understand it I thought you were dead Well I'm not I don't believe you God is
that true god God are you there i I don't get it Last time we saw you Diane Simmons had just stabbed you in the back with a knife Yeah How the hell did you come back to life well gentlemen sometimes being a big Hollywood star has its advantages Hey is this guy somebody yeah that's James Woods We got a celebrity here I repeat this is not a normal dead person This is a celebrity Being a famous movie star entitled me to top-notch medical care Not available to the rest of society My body was immediately taken
to a Hollywood hospital where I was hooked up to a 17-year-old Anjenu And in accordance with Hollywood law her life force was infused into me bringing me back from the dead What happened to the girl i threw her out a car window at Norah Efron Stop making Jack Nicholson a pansy You're thinking of Nancy Meyers You're the same thing Wow that's amazing So What do you say Peter will you be my agent i don't get it Why would a big shot like you want me for an agent because you're an upandcomer Because you're hungry I
am hungry But you put me and my family through a lot of crap over the years Why would I want to help you well because you're my agent Oh my god you're right I am Hey hold on now You came out here to be my agent Tom relax I can take care of your boat You'd be surprised how much I can handle Peter I Need you to drop Stewie off at daycare and then shred this big stack of old bank statements You got it Lois Is he always this quiet so Kevin made another attempt on
his life last night He drank two bottles of dish soap Well we have some news too Chris is dating the most wonderful girl You know everyone said don't smoke during your pregnancy but I think some of it rubbed off on him cuz now he's cool That's nice Well I should go Lois Yeah I should probably get going myself Oh my god What what is it Lois that girl over there that that's Chris's girlfriend Hey you know she kind of looks like you Lois Maybe she'll thank me for buying the coffee You think she looks like
me too oh my god I'm starting to think Brian was right Maybe I have been blinded by my own stupid vanity That girl is nothing but trouble Are you going to tell Chris i guess I'll have to but he Doesn't take bad news very well Oh Chris honey I'm so sorry to tell you this but your grandfather died [Music] All right gentlemen Sir what do you got for my client well we're making a mediocre action film and we think James is just the guy to do a serviceable job in a supporting role that Jeremy Irons
Jeff Goldblum and Craig T Nelson have already passed on Well we need to see a script first Oh looks good What do you think James i like it Good I say we move on this All right then Let's negotiate We want everything We'll give you nothing We want something Deal Not this hillbilly from Rhode Island again No thank you This is Peter Griffin famous agent but you can call me PG-13 Baboom Leave a message Hi Peter It's Tom Uh just trying to reach you again And you know about that meeting you set up with me
on Heath Ledger He he Never showed Maybe I was at the wrong Panda Express but I it Anyway uh call me back Hey listen Thanks for inviting me to lunch Peter I I was starting to get nervous when you weren't returning my calls Tom I I didn't know how to say this to you So here take this piece of paper and you're on in four three two Peter Griffin drops Tom Tucker as a client You're You're dropping me as a client Yeah I just heard it on the news How could you do this look it's
a whole Different landscape out here since Thursday Everything's on computers now Peter I left a very good job for this You're the only reason I came back out here I wish I could help you Tom but this is coming from upstairs The karate studio Tom I have to go now but if you're ever Kevin James I want you to give me a call [Music] Hello Peter It's me Woodsy I need a favor What it's like 2:00 a.m Yeah So Listen I met Chatau Marman I just met this 18-year-old chick and I can't decide whether to
take her home or keep doing blow with Tom Seismore and see if I can do better later in the night Well okay Um do do you love her what look I'm texting you her picture Just tell me if you think she's hot enough I What is this a picture of is Is that the bottom of a white pumpkin is she hot or not i I guess Okay good Great So clear out of your apartment We're Going to be there in 15 What i'm sleeping Why can't you bring her to your place i don't know man
It's my aunt's daughter It's weird Chris honey there's something I want to talk to you about Well sure Mom Come on in Chris you know your girlfriend Lindsay Well honey I saw her making out with another boy Was she kissing with her mouth or her pants mouth because she does both Chris I can't believe you knew About this That's terrible Why would you even date a girl like that well because I I thought she'd be like you Like me well you got to admit Mom she does look a lot like you I mean I just
look at you and dad you know he He's a complete train wreck and you put up with him And I'm no prize myself So I guess I figured if I don't find a girl just like you I might never find anyone Oh Chris of course you'll find someone And you are a prize You're a handsome kind-hearted Young man and any girl would be lucky to have you in her life You really think so of course I do sweetheart Well thanks Mom Now I'm going to take the child filter off the computer and I want you
to have a fun night Okay this is it James I got your next project right here Peter you've pitched me dozens of projects and all of them involve me playing a hayride driver I don't know I just see you doing that You Know this year it's vampires next year it's hay These things go in cycles Peter this is probably a good time to fire you What come on Peter Who are we kidding you're a one-man operation You know me I need a whole crew I need a drugs guy a girls guy a fitness guy a
guy with a boat who can dump stuff way out there kind of guy But But you're my only client Without you I'm ruined Well that's show business Now if you excuse me I have to answer this fake phone call Hello Grimace from McDonald's Sorry Peter I got to take this No I understand Hey Tom How you doing what do you want james Woods fired me Listen I've been thinking I was a real jerk to you I dragged you out here only to dump you when you needed me the most I guess what I'm saying is
I'm really sorry about everything Sorry doesn't cut it Peter I quit my job I left everything behind to come out here I know but I was just trying to help I never wanted to let you Down Well I suppose your only crime is that you believed in me and then stopped believing in me rather abruptly So what do you say you ready to go back to where we both belong yep Let's go home Sounds good Hey check out this picture James Woods texted me What is that a balloon running out of air yeah See I
was hoping you would know It's his cousin's anus Good evening Cohog I'm Tom Tucker And I'm Joyce Kenny Tom I think I speak for All of us here at Channel 5 News when I say it's good to have you back here at half your original salary Still twice yours Joyce Our top story tonight Cohog's first organic supermarket opens this weekend So head on down before the gays turn it into a cruising ground like they did the Barnes & Noble upstairs coffee bar which they had to close Well I'm just happy Tom got his job back
But I'm sorry I missed meeting your girlfriend Chris That's okay Dad Yeah Chris I never asked you What did Lindsay say when you broke up with her oh she didn't seem to mind I think she already moved on to someone else Thanks for buying me these clothes Glenn You're welcome And you're dismissed Do I still get to keep the 20 oh Stewie how exciting Your first visit to a real fire station Yeah you kids always loved your first trip to the fire station You remember when we took Meg welcome to the Khog Fire Department Folks
I'm Captain Beckman Let me know if you have any questions that I can answer for you What's up nerds you waiting for some guy to fall asleep with a cigarette lazy fire turds Have another donut pig We got guns You got hoses See you on the softball field Over here is our kitchen where we make all our meals And upstairs is where we sleep What about your wives and families sometimes we don't see them for long periods of time Well that sounds Awfully lonely Like being an NBA player on the road Baby I miss my
wife so much Thanks for understanding that we can't do anything I just want to cuddle Oh you're so sweet I'm just doing what a man should do respecting the sacred institution of marriage And now straight to sleep This message brought to you by the NBA Let's all pretend this happens Hey Chris You think it's safe to drink from a fire hose why not Dad it's just water All right we turn it on I'm very Thirsty Nice job Chris You got my shirt wet Now few people realize that until 1928 there were no hoses and you
actually had to fight fires with your bare hands I will now give a demonstration [Music] Whoa Scrappy little blaze huh oh my god the fire's got a gun What the was that come on Stewie We're going Just a moment Brian I'm pretending I'm a fireman I Love playing pretend My name's Peter and I work in the brewery Now I'm going to put on my pants and go talk to my co-workers that these pants have stool in them Well I hope everyone had a fun afternoon at the firehouse I sure did Mom I can't wait for
the next family outing Oh thanks Mike I hate fire stations No problem man Is that alcohol on your breath yeah maybe You're playing this too fast and Loose Mike [Music] Oh Oh is that the mail Is there anything in there for me i want to see if there's a response to all those fan letters I've been writing Dear Carrie Elways I have been meaning to contact you for some time I have never been able to figure out if you are famous You were a big deal in one thing but you were wearing a mask for
most of it Do you consider your career a disappointment or rather did You exceed your own expectations yours truly Peter Griffin P.S You were in Robin Hood Men in tights Did you know that hey there's something here from the Neielson company Dear Griffin family you have been specially selected from amongst millions of American households to be a Neielen family and as such to have your TV viewing habits monitored in order to measure television ratings Oh kids This came all the way from Delaware What does All that mean well me it sounds like they want us
to be part of a select group of people that helps determine what's on TV We're going to be a Neielson family That's awesome I think uh I think that's the wrong music There you go Now this Neielson box will keep track of everything you watch which helps us generalize the viewing habits of millions of Americans Oh yes And what was that beginning middle and end part Again um this Neielson box will keep track of everything you watch which helps us generalize the viewing habits of millions of Americans Is there any way you can describe that
to me using colorful puppets of some sort the Neielson box will monitor your viewing habits I don't like the left puppet His chin is scary Well thanks for your cooperation If you have any questions please call me And Welcome to the Neielson family Thank you very much Well isn't this exciting i know I can't believe we're a Neielson family I never get picked for anything [Applause] [Music] All right everyone Time to do our Neielson duty So what are we going to watch boobs Project Runway A good wife That black version of our show You know
guys this is a real opportunity to Promote quality programming I think we should watch PBS Yeah you're real passionate about PBS You donated once 5 years ago and they sent you a mug and now the mug's so old that the pea's been worn off so it just says BS It's libtards like you that are screwing up our country Tom Tucker what are you doing here well I heard you're the new Neielson family Just hoping you plan to watch the channel 5 news I don't know I've missed so many It's going to take me forever to
catch up Well we'd sure love to have you as a viewer Is there anything we can do to make the news more appealing to you maybe I guess you could lose the mustache lose my mustache Well gosh I I don't know My birthmark makes it kind of tough Always caused me problems with my old job And that'll do it for us here at Channel 12 News Make sure you turn those clocks ahead Good night St Louis Yeah I don't know I was Never that crazy about the mustache Well I suppose I could lose it and
just use more makeup Yeah that'd be cool And maybe a festive hat would make things more festive All right this is good Any other suggestions yeah Can you end each show by trying to pull start a very cold chainsaw well that shouldn't be a problem All right Thank you for being so candid Hey thanks for listening I know how hard it is to take criticism Hey nice boots Griffin They sell men's Shoes where you got those You made a commitment to these boots Peter These boots are the new you and no one will shake that
Yeeha ride them cowgirl Okay you can take the boots off at lunch Go to the gym have a workout come back in your sneakers If anyone asks you forgot the boots in your locker Just make it to lunch Those boots are made for walking up to guys butts Hey fellas Hey [Music] Good evening Cohog Tonight Channel 5 mourns the loss of a dear colleague my mustache And as per the wishes of my mustache his ashes were sprinkled off the coast of Aapulco where he was born Well that'll do it for us here Thanks for watching
Channel 5 the most trusted name in news Oh crap Oh come on Let's go Tom Work Damn it What the hell what's Going on with the news this is terrible Yeah Has he lost his mind well I'll be damned If I knew he was going to do all that stuff I told him I would have told him more stuff What peter you told him to do this crap yeah He came to my house when he found out I was a Neielson family Asked what I wanted to see Hey hey you know what would be cool
if he did the news with a family of prairie dogs and whenever he said something sad they'd pop their heads up all concerned Peter are you sure that's such a good idea people rely on the local news to provide them with several stories a year on how saltwater taffy is made Yeah if you're a Neielson family it seems like you should maybe be a little more thoughtful with your choices What are you talking about i'm just having a little fun For God's sakes I've just been handed the coolest freaking toy on the planet Well you
know except for hungry hungry Alec Baldwin's I I'm not I'm not even touching the lever Shilling news from Long Island Sound as a four passenger prop plane on its way to East Hampton spun into the surf off Montalk Point There were no survivors Oh that's so great I just called him on the way home Peter I'm not sure this is entirely responsible I don't see what the big deal is I was just trying to make the show better Hell I wish I could do it with all the shows Yeah well you Only have one Neielson
box You don't have the clout to affect national shows God damn it I guess that means I'll never get to see an episode of Superman where Clark Kent and Lois Lane finally get together Lois I love you and I want there to be no more secrets between us I am Superman Oh my god The only thing that can kill me is kryptonite or latex or lambkin What about polyurethane all that All that stuff Hi folks Just thought I'd stop by and Make sure your equipment is working properly and see if you have any questions Yeah
Is something wrong with our remote no matter how low I turn the volume Aziz Ansari is always shouting at me What did I do thank you I think we're good Everything seems to be going well Okay great Well I'm just going to change out the card on your unit real quick and I'll be on my way [Music] Well we're all set Thanks for your time No thank you pal And hey you've been working hard Why don't you take the rest of the day off here's two tickets to Sandra Burnernhard's onewoman show Wow Thanks Yeah and
they're great seats They're right in the gap of her teeth Social media more like a social disease That's funny Peter what the hell's going on here lois we're no longer one Neielson family We're 100 More boxes more power and I got some ideas to make TV better Hello Madmen Production Office Yeah Peter Griffin here Could I speak with John Ham please one moment Hello Hello John Ham Peter Griffin Neielson family Listen did I catch you at a good time or are you and the critics busy sucking each other's butts excuse me Look your show is
really boring but don't worry I got some ideas on how you can jazz it up Listen I don't need your suggestions pal I've been a big celebrity for a year and a half now Okay if that's how you're going to be we'll see how this plays out Lois we're not watching Mad Men no more Hello Look I may have been a little rash Our ratings have dropped 50% Whatever suggestions you have I'll listen And so gentlemen in baseball three strikes and you're out But three lucky strikes and you're in Nice try Don but I'm afraid
we're going to have to take our business elsewhere Oh I don't think so What the hell was that i'll tell you what it was Lois It was awesome And wait till you see Breaking Bad I don't know what it was but now it's on roller skates Hi NBC This is Peter Griffin Listen you guys are doing a great job If anybody knows what America wants in the '9s it's NBC But I just have one small request I like Dine but I really hate waiting two hours to find out who the killer is Tonight on Dine
a woman murdered Was it her ex-boyfriend yes it Was I knew it I knew it was the ex-boyfriend Sleep tight truck sleep tight firefly Sleep tight chair Sleep tight bird You see that Peter you see the bird bird okay we'll uh pick up the rest tomorrow Uh now I'm just going to vamp for a while with some random noises Okay good night Peter Good night Dave And uh here's Paul to play you to sleep with a lullabi I forgot he's terrible We now return to cops with banana guns Freeze Is that Is that a banana
don't worry about what it is I'm still a cop Whoa Hold on All right Just Just take it easy This can go a couple of ways What the hell did Peter do to cops buddy come push me out in a huff Peter what is this show it's called Creeping Up on the Kardashians See that guy with a ponytail in the background he sneaks up and scares the girls while they're starting businesses or getting Their fat waxed What the hell there they are That's the Neielson family You ruined television Now it's just a big old silly
mess Oh god an angry mob I've got to swallow all my valuables and get out of here Did you see the mob did I see the mob why else am I here oh my god Peter they're really angry Say something Wait wait What the hell's going on what do you mean I ruined Television you put a real cougar on Cougar Town and now that Cougar's dead because Courtney Cox ripped it apart with her teeth and claws You turned Anderson Cooper 360 into Anderson Cooper 720 He's turning around too much You converted the biggest loser to
the metric system Now it feels like they're not losing enough What the hell with you guys you're just jealous cuz I get to say what's on TV now I am a Neielson god [Applause] [Music] Sorry y'all That's the first time I ever throwed anything Well if it isn't Mr Nielsen himself Nurse who's the worst doctor in this hospital you are Dr Hartman Good Put Hartman on this Bozo Hey what can I do for you please Doc You got to help me with this nasty gash What seems to be the problem now it's my husband Oh
well you've got a lot of nerve coming in here after what you did to television Now get Out Please doctor You've got to help him You took an oath when you went to medical school I took a lot of things when I went to medical school Now if you'll excuse me I have to answer this Hello Ah [Music] Hartman Hey guys How you doing not so good Peter Yeah me either Thanks to you TV's a vast wasteland You know how I know that phrase i read it in a book You monster All right Come on
Let me make it Up to you Let me buy you a beer No that seat's taken You move along Peter What are you talking about you guys are my pals We used to be Peter Now scram Well fine I'll sit at the bar Not at my bar You won't Get out of here Jeez I can't show my face anywhere I might as well be back doing public radio This is Peter Griffin and you're listening to Book Talk on WRNI Today we'll be discussing Brett Eastston Ellis's popular work Less than Zero a tale of privilege detachment
And youthful alienation But first a word from our sponsor Weston's Golden Soda Biscuits I'm enjoying one right now Come on That concludes today's session of book talk Tune in tomorrow when we will look at John Kennedy Tool's unheralded early work The Neon Bible [Music] Hey what's wrong Peter i miss my friends Brian I mean I was having fun with those Neielson boxes but what's the point if I don't got Joe and Quagmire to enjoy it with me i guess I shouldn't have messed with television Well it's not exactly your fault The networks never should have
listened to you in the first place This is exactly what makes bad television pandering to the lowest common denominator So what do I do Brian well you still have these boxes That means you still have the power to influence television Maybe you can use That power to help restore TV to the way it was You're right Brian Maybe if I watch smart quality shows that'll help get things back to the way they were We can use these boxes for good And what the hell thus for adding another tree to One Tree Hill Oh my god
He destroyed every last box Holy crap Well we're sunk now Peter There goes your one chance to get TV back to the way it was Wait a minute Maybe not Brian I think I just got an idea Ah I got Glass in my face Oh crap now I forgot what it was I got it Yeah son of a [ __ ] You know who I hate the troops Yeah me too Whoa whoa whoa Who are you i'm Peter Griffin I'm the guy who ruined television and I'm the guy who's going to fix it Guys I
broke television and now you have to help me fix it Yeah looks like this is one we beat you [Music] to Gentlemen I have gathered you all here today because you are the creators Of what television used to be before I ruined it And we need to rebuild television from the ground up So I'm going to need all your best ideas JJ Abrams you take wonder and complexity and present it in a way that no one can possibly understand What do you got i I've got an alien that goes back in time and encounters a
koala bear in an Eastern European town Totally confused Do it Okay Now we're going to need 15 workplace comedies where people talk to The camera for some reason You you you and you go When Peter told me to make a workplace comedy where people talk to the camera I thought "Not now I mean go do a show Don't don't do that thing here." Huh Wonder if I can pull off one of those can you believe what I have to put up with looks to the camera Okay Mark Bernett you did Survivor and The Apprentice Can
you give me a reality show where people do horrible Unforgivable things to each other for embarrassingly small sums of money i got some ideas Here's a nickel Pull down your pants There's a show Yeah Go All right Now who's going to make a show about horrible New Jersey freaks you know what i don't care Just someone do it Okay Dick Wolf make the same law and order six times Oh and also could you marry Matt Weiner cuz I want your name to be Dick Weiner Okay but can I go by Dick Wolf Weiner oh my
god Yes Yes Yes Okay Bravo people Go find women fighting No You know what just find women They'll end up fighting All right Everyone who's left make a talent show We are done Oh Kelsey Gramma what are you still doing here i I have nothing left for you I'm I'm sorry Ah then I shall take my ease on the lai I don't care what you do now We now return to Mike and Molly Have you decided what you'd like to order yes the chopped salad I'll have everything Except that That wait is like what well
you did it Peter You got TV back to normal Guys I'm sorry for screwing up all your favorite shows That's okay Peter Hey so what do you say are we pals again of course we are You bet Well let's drink to having TV back in the hands of people who know what they're doing I think Zach and Cody would be funnier if they did the show in their underpants [Music] Hurry Brian They're gaining on us [Music] Damn it We're surrounded Crap They got away Better call the boss Damn I'm not getting a smoke signal here
[Music] Damn it Stewie What the hell did you do i know I know I messed up I messed up You went back to 17th century Jamestown and you gave guns to the Indians and now they're running everything I said I messed up All right I guess I just have This pathological need to be liked Well it's not a good trait Oh come on Don't say that Let me buy you lunch Thanks to you the Indians killed all the white people and took over America I mean you're the one who's always saying never alter the past
Oh come on Brian Let's be honest I frequently alter the past All right so I guess we'll split the bill 13 ways Hey Judas He ordered like five margaritas All you had was a salad [Applause] [Music] You know it actually looks like the Native Americans have done all right for themselves They do seem to have a lot of shops And it looks like they have medical care as well Ma'am I'm sorry but I've done this several times today and your husband just isn't responding Well have you tried this ma'am this is a place of medicine
And their popular music is interesting And here it is The number One song for the 10,000th week in a row Well no matter We better restore things to the way they were Let's go back to Jamestown and undo Oh dear What what is it a return pad Looks like it took some bullets during our escape Doesn't seem to be working What what what is that what is that what what are you looking for what are you looking for specifically yeah that's right Well I'm afraid our Only hope is that perhaps the alternate Stewie in this
universe has created his own time machine that we can use Well let's hope so because otherwise they're going to kill us Yeah stick us on some kind of white people reservation Don't give them any money They're just going to spend it all on deled eggs [Music] Well there's my brave warrior How was work today it was so annoying Everyone was coming around with their daughters Selling Girl Scout corn Made me feel so guilty I had to buy like 20 ears Hey shot in the dark but uh is anyone else in the mood to run really
fast in One Direction look there it is And it looks like he has a return pad too All right come on Let's get back to James Town and set things right [Music] Look there you are giving them the guns What the hell are you doing there you Told me you were checking on the horses Well she's a sizable woman That's what I meant All right come on We've got to get those guns back Hey Hi How are you today good to see you Listen we've just been informed that these guns are defective Uh we're from
the gun company Um anyway you know how we like to take things back from you people well we're going to go ahead and take these back That's right We're from Gunco Shut up You're blowing it Where are you taking guns brian grab The return pad Denim pale face They're gone We can talk normal now [Music] Well everything looks like it should Only one way to be certain Okay let's do a quick search here Native American role models Zero results found Looks like we did it Brian Oh thank God Hey what are you going to do
with all those guns i don't know Sell him to some messed up kid The hell is That stewie [Music] Oh my god What are you doing this time machine has almost killed us a h 100 times Brian And yesterday was just too close a call So I've decided to get rid of it before something irreparable happens But Stewie your your time machine it's like your crowning achievement I I can't believe you just destroy it Trust me Brian it's for the best And hey at least I've had Some fun with it Do you know what I
did last week i time traveled ahead to Christmas so I wouldn't have to wait all year for the new toys to come out Wow good timing little fella This just came out today Yeah I kind of knew that already Would you like to donate an extra dollar to the Cohog Food Bank oh sure And would you like to come home and clean my toilet while we're both doing stuff for each other [Music] Well I guess that's it This is like the end of an era Well sack up you twink It's just a machine God look
at all the perfectly good stuff that people just throw out for no reason I don't know It's mostly twin mattresses If you have a twin mattress aren't you pretty much a failure as a human being no I mean it Like here look at this street hockey net It's in great shape You know we should take this home and set it up Get some fresh air Get some exercise And I Suppose I could use a new hobby now that the time machine is gone You sure you're not going to miss that thing i was getting bored
of it anyway You know not every historical event is all it's cracked up to be Women we have spent decades fighting for our right to vote So when you go to those booths and cast your ballot remember Warren G Harding is way the cutest Okay Brian I'm just putting this out there but I'm a baby and only dicks Don't let babies win God look at this day huh you know usually I'd be sitting inside writing You'd be working on one of your machines but here we are enjoying it Yes it is a nice change of
pace Oh wait I got to go grab my knee pads I was using them for for for this other thing Anyway I'll be right back Ryan look out Brian Oh my god Brian Brian can you hear me holy Crap What the hell happened that guy sucked Mom is Brian going to be okay i don't know Meg but this is the best veterinarian in Khog Brian's getting the finest care there is He had to share the ambulance with a chicken Um aren't you supposed to be running around don't talk to me You have a bad reputation
in the chicken community Doctor how is Brian is he going to be okay i'm so sorry Mrs Griffin but Brian's injuries are just too severe for us to save him I don't know how much longer he has but I suggest that you all go in and say your goodbyes Oh my god Brian No I can't believe it You You're really Damn it Brian You can't die We were going to do so many things together We were going to become wind surfers I was going to be a little better than you but we were both going
to be good You guys I think I think Brian's trying To say something You You've given me a wonderful life I love you [Music] all I'm sorry He's gone Oh my god He's Yes Chris I'm afraid I'm afraid that our Brian is dead Guys I'm going to need a few minutes alone upstairs I got to do like a a sad yank Stupid street hockey I wish we never went to that dump Oh this is all my fault I'm the one who had to throw Away the damn time machine Wait a minute That's it I've just
got to rebuild the time machine and then I can go back and save Brian [Music] Oh happy birthday Neil Stewie how are you oh not well Yousef I need your help I have to track down a titanium capacitor for a high wattage mainframe I'm going to construct Titanium capacitors sorry there's no way to get those anymore What you mean You've gotten them for me before I know but the one guy who made those drew a doodle of Muhammad so he's not around anymore He wasn't even doing it on purpose just absent-mindedly while talking on the
phone But it was Muhammad so you know Oh that's awful Okay Yousef thanks anyway Oh dear Robert Without those capacitors it'll be completely impossible to build a functioning time machine I guess that means Brian is really gone for good [Music] Thank you so much for coming guys Brian would be very thankful that you're here No problem Lois You know I usually don't come to funerals since I'm a cop I always wind up getting hit by a black woman with a purse You find the man who did this relationship to Brian You make sure this child
didn't die for nothing Ma'am you became a cop Okay Thank you everyone for coming today None of you people came to my funeral I know Peter wanted to say a few words Oh boy This is um this is probably the worst pain I've ever had to go through and I've sprained my ankle twice Um the truth is Brian wasn't just my dog He was my best friend in the whole world He was smart He was loyal and I guess what I'm trying to say is he was like a brother to me and I I'm going
to spend the rest of my life missing him We're all going to miss him Peter We're all going to miss him very much [Music] Damn it Ortiz Stop swinging at junk [Music] My god I almost served Brian again I can't believe he's been gone a whole month Can we at least get rid of the doggy door so Chris doesn't keep getting stuck in it Every day I get a little further in You know I hate to say it but I'm starting to think the only way to stop Missing Brian is to get a new dog
Or do we all get Ghostbuster jumpsuits With our names on them who you going to call dog Griffins I'm serious Peter I know it might take time to find the right dog but I really feel like it might be the best way for us to move on Yeah Dad that would be nice All right Well I guess it couldn't hurt to look Really another dog look I miss Brian more than any of you But at least now no one's forcing us to watch those awful PBS documentaries And now PBS presents Albino Children Are Normal So
with the Exception of not being able to go out in the sun you're completely normal yes the moon is my son I like to kill beetles Beetles are teachers I sleep with a fork [Music] All right guys Time to find a new family dog Hey Chris You're kind of a creep You should get a ferret You're right I am And I will I don't know how to choose between all these dogs Hey you Green pants I hear you're looking for a dog or something Oh Finally Someone who sounds like they went to college Hi I'm
Peter Vinnie Oh Vinnie Like the pooh yeah that's kind of cool So what's your story well you know I'm just a regular guy You throw a stick maybe I bring it back maybe I bring back an iPhone that fell off a truck So what do you say you want me as your dog yeah I think I do Hey just out of curiosity what breed are you actually I'm a [ __ ] hound Really all right That just means I'm 116th cat Oh I wish you hadn't told me that [Music] Well Vinnie welcome to our home
All right this is good This is good Hey you guys got a good bang of broads You know that Vinnie you must be starving What can I make you for dinner are you kidding you're a hardworking lady So tonight I'm going to make you dinner Wow Well thank you Vinnie Well well hang on Lois You promised me we were all eating my Play-Doh pasta tonight Oh Stewie did You make something oh it's so yummy Num num num num num You better mean those nums Hey you What's your name chris how about I call you Hatboy
hell yeah Lower your voice Chris It's Hatboy [ __ ] Well look at you Vinnie It's like you're already part of the family I don't know fat man I think you're jumping the gun I mean crucifixion seemed great at first too Why are you doing that cuz I'm mad at this guy I'm mad at this jar of pickles I can't open Nail it up [Music] Hey guys I want you to meet our new dog Vinnie Vinnie this is Joe and Quagmire Hey Vinnie how you doing real good Hey so I hear you're a cop That's
right Hey that's great Maybe sometime you could take me on a ride along with you Show me the neighborhood Yeah I don't take people out on ride alongs anymore I I had a bad experience with Grimace I got to be honest I can't get a beat on You man Oh boy Vinnie hanging out with you has been the best You want another beer no I'd love one But but the first thing you said was "Oh my god you're on you're like on another level Vinnie Congratulations You've won over a complete imbecile Whoa whoa whoa Did
you just speak ill of the man who bust his tail providing for you he spent my college fund on puppet clothes Hey don't Get fuss with me A studio That's not my name That That's not even an Italian version of my name Oh whatever Hey Vinnie you want to see a puppet show they all got leather jackets God what a jerk If this guy thinks he's sticking around he's sorely mistaken I'm going to ruin him just like I ruined that magician's act People people people This man drives us sadden All right Robert I've been left
with no choice I'm going to tell Vinnie So much bad news about Italian Americans that he goes into cardiac arrest Vinnie there you are I have some terrible news Salunio's kid was killed by a falling piano Oh how could this happen the kid was an honor student He just applied to Sunni Albany He just got into Sunni Albany Oh this is too much Stewie I can't take it Oh my god it's working Hey Vinnie Bobby Lomaduro's kid just got out of the hospital He beat the cancer Oh thank heavens Big man in the sky knows
What he's doing Chris what are you doing call me a creep you piece of crap Hey don't How about a joke that ain't for fancy millionaires [Music] story what's with the waterworks oh Uh um I I just I realized I paid too much for my muffler Come on kid Quit crying You're going to get your pants wrinkled What's the matter fine Do you want to know what's the matter you're the matter Everyone in This family is so damn thrilled with you They've forgotten all about Brian Well I'm not thrilled I'll never forget Brian He was
my best friend You're not supposed to lose your best friend at my age You're not supposed to lose him ever Look Stewie I know it doesn't seem like it now but you're going to be okay Yeah right How do you know because I once had a thing happen to me with some stuff Really that's what's happening to me Stuff you know before you guys found me In the shop I lived with an old man named Leo It was just him and me in a tiny apartment and we got pretty tight He kind of became my
whole world By the time he passed away it was real tough So how did he die he tried to go to a
