Dr. Amos Wilson Black Love Black Male and Black Female Relationships

A pleasure I was asked to speak on male female relations and I will do that as well as uh deal with some other issues related to the survival and the advancement of the black community I'd like also to invite you down in about two weeks to our new location as the the introducer indicated here uh I am part owner of the Harlem Graphics Arts Center A print center copy center uh Book Center we'll have quite a collection of books both Afrocentric books and other General books we are right at 125th Street Fifth Street near 7th

Avenue uh I right down the street from the Apollo Theater on the same side like to see you come down we're trying there not only to uh build a business but to build an institution to serve as an example for The Youth and others and adults uh of what can be done if black people work together we recognize that uh it's necessary for us to build an economy to provide jobs for ourselves and for our children and this is our first step in doing that we recognize that we must get access to our own monies

and use those Monies to our advantage as people and that's what Harlem graphic arts is about we will also give courses there that will Provide education that is relevant relevant to the black community as well so I hope when you're down in that part of the woods you'll come by and see us we'll be happy to see you now we we're going to talk a bit about uh men women relations the thing that we have to recognize of course is that the relationship between men and women or between a man and a woman is not

an isolated uh situation that the way you love one Another the way you love your girlfriends your boyfriends your husbands your wives your children is rooted in a political social system love is this does not flow out of your heart you know and it's just not natural like we tend to think of it as being it is influenced by your own experience as an individual as well as by your experience as a people one of the reasons why I wrote the um book The developmental psychology of the black Child is the the fact that I

wanted to bring to people's attention that you just couldn't read a standard book on developmental psychology and apply what was found in that in in that book to the black child because black people have a unique history it is the history of the black child is not the history of the white child the history of the black parent is not the history of the white parents the political social position that black People are in in this country is not the political social position of Rights the psychology of black people flows from the history and experience

of black people if you went into a psychologist's office he would want or she would want to know your own personal history because it is only through understanding your personal history as an individual that your behavior can be understood a psychologist or psychiatrist could I Take the history of another individual and and just apply it to you and say well I know this other person very well so therefore you must behave this way too and the values they have and the ideas they have must be the same you have the only difference between you and

this other person is that uh they have a different color from you that is not the way psychologist built ladies and gentlemen you can only be understood as an individual in terms Of your own history and experience the when we talk about then the psychology of black people we must understand that psychology in terms of the experience of our people you cannot go and get a psychology from another people whose history and experience has been different and just impose it upon yourself you will create problems and therefore I looked at the history and experience of

black people had talked about psychology in those Terms we must talk about education in those terms business in those terms and anything else that is relevant to us in those terms we must recognize that the love relationship between the black mother and her child between the black father and his child between the mother and the fathers and the sisters and the brothers in the black family is shaped by the political social situation in which we as people Live and that has to be taken into consideration so love you see under those circumstances does not just

flow up out of the heart it's influenced by social political circumstances if there was a difference in the family in terms of who was the darker or who was the lighter or who had the good hair or who had the bad hair that means that racism and the political social system has entered into the parent and the parent then transfers That racism even in the way he or she relates to the children on to the child and creates in that child then an attitude toward itself and toward the world that flows from being in a

particular social political position you see then when the white psychologist talks about uh the parent and the child they can talk as if it is the relationship between the parent and the child that makes the child what it is however when we talk about the black Parent and the black child we must talk about that black parents relationship to the white world that black parents political position in the world how black people have been dealt with in this Society must be cons considered and all of these things influence to a good extent how that black

parent is going to relate to his or her child what they're going to say to that children how they're going to Prepare that children for Life how they are going to express their love or not love toward their children so then you must understand then that love what we call love is shaped created and maintained by social political systems therefore as you will see when we go through this lecture you must see how then your social life and existence itself is going to influence the way you relate to your husbands to your wives to your

boyfriends to your sisters and to Your brothers I want to talk a moment or two uh in terms of uh what we call um the relationship between love and Community I want to want us to understand that love between a man and a woman or between a parent and a and a child thank you very much is ultimately a gift to the community itself thank you kind I have emphasized Before that when you have a child you just don't have a child for yourself the child just does not belong to you as a mother or

as a father a child is born into a community of people a child is a gift to the community because the child is not going to live in a world by itself it's going to live in a community where it relates to other people Its Behavior is going to influence other People in the community if it turns out to be a delinquent or crime oriented it's going to negatively affect the lives of the people the community has to share in educating that child the community has to share in supporting that child feeding that child providing

jobs for that child providing protection for that child the community If the child is is does not turn out well has to provide rehabilitative services and supportive Services and other kinds of services for that child so then when a child is born it is not only the responsibility of the parents who gave it birth but it is also a community responsibility and so consequently when one has children one must not only think in terms of the uh how the child is going to relate purely to the mother or the father that gave it birth but

also how it is going to relate to the people itself a child must ultimately grow up To contribute to the community to the community's ability to support it and to support its family to protect its interest because it is only with the community support that the family and the child itself continues to survive so we must keep in mind then that children are ultimately born to the community because they will influence the nature of the community if the children that are born in a community or self-hating as we will talk later on are Have problems

with their Identity or self-control or destructive and so forth you will see a community that will fall apart a community that is at odds with itself a community that is divided a community that by its very nature will continue to destroy other children and other people the greatest gift that a parent can give to a community is the gift of beautiful healthy children well-behaved children children who know themselves who have a firm identity and So forth children who are able to love healthily and love in a righteous type of manner so in a sense you

may not be great or you may not be famous or you whatever but we all have the potential of being good parents and that is a major contribution to the advancement of a community and to to its its uh survival I say that also to say that love is a gift to the community as well how well you love yourself as an individual the sins of the first Generation of visited now until the 14th generation often it will take sometimes three and four or more generations for a family to live out the hate between a

mother and a father the children get it their children get it their children children get it and it can go right on before it went uh before it's finally work through uh the children's reactions to poor love relations between mothers and fathers can lead to their own personal problems Their own interpersonal problems with other people as well those problems sweep out into to the community children suffering from a feeling of a lack of love from their own parents May didn't deal with that by becoming delinquent in their behavior by not reaching their own potentials by

not uh functioning in schools the way they should by themselves getting into trouble by themselves becoming impregnated at a too early age and so forth and this in Itself affects Community Services Community Resources the kind of community that the individual lives in so when we love as men and women as sisters and brothers this love also is rooted in community and is necessary for Community functioning love romantic love or whatever love is not a selfish uh undertaking and it should not be perceived as something just between you And your partner it moves beyond that it's

going to influence more people than just you and your partner it it's going to influence the community itself and consequently then the community has a right to concerned itself with the so-called nature of love love along with the related Concepts such as Oneness and we see people wanted to get a sense of Oneness when they're in love unity uniting being together identity identifying becoming One with the person you love it becomes interesting we talk about love in terms of blood blood relations and yet the person you marry is really not your blood relation in actuality

but yet somehow that love if it's right becomes as strong or sometimes even stronger than blood relations you see so because love tends as we see it in this culture to unite and bring about identity between two and more people that goes beyond Their biological relatedness that often is stronger than their biological relatedness love along with commitment caring and sharing belonging relatedness commonality is having things in common is that which creates a community is that which supports a community and maintains a community so then the the the thing that keeps a community together is of

course the nature of love that inheres in its families And between its families and ultimately the nature of love that is is is put out toward the community itself and toward one's people and all of this influences the nature of romantic love when you want to destroy a community when you want to destroy a people as we will talk a bit about later on you destroy the nature of their romantic love destroy their ability to love one another in a healthy sort of way and we will see when you see and you think about the

problems We have as people and as individuals in loving each other romantically you must recognize in good part that problem and those problems have been set up by a political social system because we shall see that love the love that we have for one another is the greatest threat to the people who rule over us and it is necessary for those people who rule over us and who rule over African people the the world Over if those people are to stay in power they must destroy our ability to love each other in a healthy sort

of way this is why even if you're concerned with your individual love for your boyfriend or your husband you can cannot separate that love from what is going on in the world politically and socially because the nature of that love is defined by political social circumstances and if you can't understand why you have problems in your Love relations perhaps a good part of it is because you have not taken time to understand the nature of the political social situation in which you live because you have been made to think that your love is merely the

concern of you and your partner and not not rooted in what is going on in the world love is a part of the world you live in the community ultimately defines love anyway you see many of us are raised in This culture and we we've been raised to think love is is is something uh just natural and just flows out of of living I'm speaking now particular of romantic love but actually you have to learn learn how to love love is taught to you you uh teenagers you're being taught what love is how you taught

that you're taught it by listening to these records all the time and you hear your Idol singing about love you make me feel so Good I can't eat I can't sleep I can't live without you and then what do the people say I must be in love you see and uh you know uh I can't go on here's my heart don't break it you see uh my life has no meaning and all of these kinds of things and you read what poetry and of course many of you in this age now where you're writing from

the city of love and from the street of this and stuff I forgotten my old Rhymes when I was a kid you know we all wrote those things uh You look at TV and you see Dallas and you you you see kns landing and you see show after show after show and you think you're just looking at entertainment but actually they're teaching you what love is or what love is about how you supposed to feel when you're in love you see if you feel this way if you can't eat and you can't get him off

your mind if you dream about him all the time if Shivers run up your spine would you see him and all that that means you're in Love in a sense if there was no one around to tell you that you wouldn't feel it you wouldn't feel love now romantic love believe it or not is only in this culture about two or 3 hundred years old prior to say the 1700s people didn't marry for love in fact they saw love what we call Love is a terrible basis for marriage they fought against it they married in

terms of maintaining Family Lines in terms of Maintaining property in terms of maintaining political and other kinds of associations class associations you your husband might have been picked out for you at Birth you might not have even seen your husband until your wedding day you you would not have had anything to say about who your husband or your wife was that would have been a the result of negotiation between your parents between your whole clan and your family because These families recognized that when marriage takes place between a man and a woman the families are

married as well that you don't marry just an individual you marry into a family you see and consequently it was the family that came first in determining marriage and marital relations now it sounds very harsh to us today because we've been brought up uh with this other concept of marriage that is M you marry who you love but it took We can trace the history of marriage based on romantic love and it to a great extent event was built on novels and poems came out of the the courts of Europe to a very great extent

which is the reason why we still use kind of word courting many of those people had nothing to do all day but uh develop rules about how you used to court and how you deal with a man and a woman and so forth and eventually that worked its way down into the society poets start Writing poems about love and emotion and eventually the average person started picking it up uh as the society changed uh toward industrialization and so forth and this families began to be to break up where aunts and uncles and three and four

generations didn't no longer lived in the same household then people started making their own individual choices about who they would marry and so forth and often those choices started being made in terms of emotions and Feelings we have found out in this culture though that that merely marrying someone because you love them does not guarantee the unity of the marriage H anymore than the other forms of marrying people as well but the point then I'm trying to make here then is this that even the community you live in defines what love is and teaches you

to love in one way or the other so even in that sense love is community and it is a part of community to good extent some of the Problems that we have in this country and in our communities is a result of the wrong definition of what love is where the community has come to accept a concept of love that works against its interest when people are getting married because they are in love and yet half of those marriages are more fall apart and the other half half of those are living in conflict and hostility

then it must make you think that there is something wrong in the way we Define Love in this system and in our community it means then there is a Time perhaps for the community to redefine what love is and what love is about it is in your interest as young people that the community teaches you a new form of romantic love and loving one another why because it will enhance your ability to stay with the man you love and to stay with the woman you love to keep your children with you in your family to

develop healthy people and to Develop a healthy community so your interest even as young people should be in how your community defines what love is not only should you listen to these records or just dance to these records you should take out some time and think about what Kind of Love Is This Record projecting is this a kind of love that is ultimately going to be Pro uh productive for me and my boyfriend for me and my husband for me and my children and you may find that some of these Records you're listening to are

really not in your best interest while they're making you feel good and they they're good for the party when you look down the road the way they're defining love and how a man should relate to a woman May ultimately destroy you and destroy your love relationship the one that you want to keep so much so then there is a very definite relationship between love and community and the community itself has a very deep and abiding interest in What love is and how love should be uh defined and expressed I want to indicate here then uh

some things about the consequences of what we call the love instinct Freud has a very interesting theory of of uh what what he calls the ID we won't go into detail uh there but however he sees the it is containing two major instincts along with others a love instinct or what he calls sometime Eros and a death Instinct you see and we'll see in a minute what emit by that death Instinct and it's a very paradoxical kind of theory once you think of a particular about the death Instinct the idea that people also have an

instinct that moves them toward death as well but uh when you get a little chance for some heavy thinking I think you might see it's not as paradoxical as it as it uh sounds in a sense we are born to die and in the sense we die from living so death is I'm Going to say side effect of living so they are kind of intrinsically related one to the other but love let's look at the love instinct is some of and how that instinct is expressed certainly it's expressed sexually and certainly it's expressed in terms

of reproduction so love and sexuality are closely related because they lead to the the maintenance of the species and the reproduction of the Species love involves the preservation of oneself if you love yourself you love your body you love who you are you love your family you love your your man you love your woman you love your community you want to preserve those things you want to see them grow and develop and this is of course what the love Instinct does it not only though preserves the self it preserves others it you want to preserve

the people that you love the Love Instinct expresses itself in procreation in the in the giving of birth in reproducing this is how of course we maintain the life of the group itself love also is involved in growth because life is about growth it is about development it is about Transcendence it is about enhancement it is about fulfilling one's potential the child the little baby is filled with potential it is born a few inches long but it has the potential to grow feet long you see it It's born then at a certain level of mental

activity and yet there's a potential of great intellectual growth social growth psychological growth and all types of growth love will permit this potential to express itself to actualize itself so you can see love is an enhancing element a growth element a developing element love then that exist in a community is the element that makes that Community grow and Develop and and fulfill its potential when a community is drinking and falling into destruction you can bet there is an absence of the right kind of love in that Community when it is falling in upon itself and

the people are killing one another or hurting one another or destroying one another you can bet it is because the love in in inct there has been misdirected or is not functioning in the way it should function love of course is gear towards survival Protection and Liberation freeing people instead of res uh restricting them it moves toward Discovery goodness and healing love is reconstructive it is it it is it repairs the individual it rebuilds the individual and stimul Ates growth and development love is Elation and I'm sure this is the side of love we hear

most about isn't it Elation Euphoria feeling good love has its own natural High it's own Euphoria when you're loved by your family you love and when you love your family when your family has permitted you to grow and develop and fulfill your potential when your community is concerned and cares about you and shares with you and you do the same with it when you can sit down and not be afraid to walk the streets of your community not be afraid to speak and say hello to people on the streets of your Community when you can

have a decent conversation without feeling you have to manipulate someone or someone manipulates you there is a beauty and there is a Euphoria about that kind of feeling there is a tendency to smile and a tendency to be happy and a tendency to be free and a tendency to be honest and open this is what love does when it operates well within a community itself it takes you beyond yourself that is we it is what we call transends it moves Out Beyond you glow and people pick up your glow Your Love becomes infectuous and people

reflect it back on you and you reflect it back on them and therefore you feel good it feels wonderful to dance and to sing and to be even a little silly sometimes and to joke with them sometimes and to play with with people that you love and you you just it just makes you glow with health and glow with happiness and it's a beautiful kind of thing and you Naturally want to stay with your people you naturally want to be around your community you naturally want to be a part of its its movement forward and

so forth so love has in it a builtin beauty and Glory a builtin Euphoria we're going to see then that love can develop from love I think uh Whitney Houston has a song out now What's the title of it the current one I know you know it's very popular Pardon Me The Greatest Love of All and part of it is say it's she found her love when she found what she found herself and she found her love in herself you cannot love as we should see in a moment others without selflove you cannot be filled

with hatred and hostility toward yourself and love somebody else in a healthy manner you can only get to know other people through knowing Yourself it is through the yourself that you reach others you will only though get to know yourself if you're surrounded by people who love you and love you in a healthy sort of way as we shall see when you're around people who don't love you in a healthy sort of way you're going to hide parts of yourself from yourself you're going to become become blind to parts of yourself you're going to be

caught up in the emotions of hatred and hostility and Revenge and resentment and your energy and and your your tension is going to be caught up in those nasty emotions and you're going to be a nasty person as a result thereof and as I'll show you in a minute you're going to be able to love you're going to be able to without with all of this nastiness because nasty people do fall in love okay hateful people fall in love and we'll see but we'll see in a minute It's going to be a peculiar kind of

love it's going to be a love ultimately though that's going to dest destroy them and the people they love many people I would say a large percentage of children and wives and husbands are destroyed in the Name of Love I'm doing this to you because I what love you and yet when you look at what's being done it's often projecting hate but hate covered with a veneer of Love so then love that comes from Love permits the self and other people to develop love that comes from Love is liberating love that comes from love permits

other people to develop their potential we will see later on that love that comes from hate is love that's destructive it's love that restricts is love that's possessive is love that that that makes the other person a Serv of oneself his love that ultimately degrades other Individuals you see so in a family a child has to be raised with love in and in a loving sort of way so that when it loves it then will create more lovely people and lovely children let's look a moment then at the hate Instinct we talked about the the

love instinct or the life Instinct and now let's look at the death in Instinct and there is a death Instinct within us Freud talks about it as saying uh in man there's an inherent need or Desire for him to to return to his Origins we of course are people our bodies are made of the earth some of you of course are familiar with the Bible verse dust Thou Art and to dust Thou shalt return and so he builds his philosophy to a degree by saying then ultimately the end point of life is a returning back

to the Earth itself and of course there are philosophical issues that this implies but I think what is more Interesting is how the death instinct is expressed we saw earlier that the love instinct is expressed in many different ways so is the death Instinct let's look at some of the consequences the death Instinct expresses itself in terms of hate that's an expression of death when you hate somebody you also often want to do what you want to kill them you want to destroy them hurt them make them feel pain so death comes through you onto

the Other individual you say resentment is a death is an expression of the death Instinct hostility hostile aggression retarding other people's growth and development what we call dis enhancement just as love leads to enhancement hatred leads to dis enhancement disenchantment just as love leads to Harmony hatred leads to disharmony just as love then leads to growth by the person you're Dealing with hate leads to restriction holding them back we of course as people have been the victim of hatred and hatred has locked us into ghettos and locked us into poor schooling and locked us into

all kinds of corners and ghettos of all types uh it hatred then brings about ultimately the death and destruction of other people we must recognize that the world is a perfect place and I've often said though that Means you don't confuse use Perfection with good I didn't say it was necessarily a good place Perfection and goodness are not one and the same thing you can be perfectly evil as well as perfectly good Perfection has to do with the Precision of a of a thing the Precision of relations the lawfulness between a cause and an effect

it talks about then when you talk about perfection you say surely This thing is always followed by that thing now then the point I'm trying to get at here then is this if you have Hate in Your Heart if you have resentment in your heart if you have anger and fear in your heart and and hostility in your heart the law of perfection says you're going to create a world that is destructive you cannot have these emotions in yourself and not produce a destructive kind of world this of course was what Jesus was talking about

when he talked about the gospel gospel implying what good news when he talks about love thy neighbor as thyself greet your enemy with what love because it is love what God before all else be filled with the love of God and to be filled with God is to be filled with love and therefore a nation of godly people is not a nation that is racist is not a nation that kills and Destroys the Earth and kills and destroys its people you cannot have war death and destruction where true and righteous love exists between people and

what Christ was trying to get at then was this if we could come to love others as we love ourselves if we could come and notice it says as ourselves which means we love ourselves as well and it is through the process of loving oneself deeply that we love other people deeply as well out of that then becomes a world Filled with love and the kingdom of God comes to Earth itself in a world though filled with hate and resentment and anger you're going to get a world then filled with war murder death suicide robbery

rape violence and all the kind of things we talk we see so much about in the everyday news this is one of the reason why you know that this nation is not a Christian Nation you got people who go to Church the Christian so-called religion is the predominant religion but the people are not filled with Christianity by any stretch of the ination ladies and gentlemen if this country was a true Christian country we wouldn't even be here talking about black men and black women love and all that kind of thing would we we wouldn't be

talking about our problems as a what as a race and as a people because that kind of problem would not exist with people who truly Love and had the love of God within them but it is because we don't have that love that we have the kinds of problems we have today this is why ultimately Jesus and the other prophets can predict the end of the world as being one of death and War because ultimately people filled with love and egotism and false pride and other kind of things are going to bring war and death

upon themselves and this is of course is what we see today Reagan has no love no TR righteous Love Gorbachev has no righteous love people with righteous love cannot make guns and weapons that threaten to destroy the whole of the human race out these weapons come out of what hate fear anger Pride resentment and the other kinds of things so then when we express hatred and hostility we are expressing the hate Instinct and when you see then that death Instinct the hate instinct being expressed you see then ultimately it Leads to the destruction of something

it can lead to the destruction of the buildings you live in you hate the landlord you hate the people who live in it you hate yourself and then you destroy the buildings around you destroy the people around you anything that gets next gets your neighbor goat you do you like to see them upset you like to uh blow their cool you like to do things to them out of this Instinct well some of us can take hate That is expressed against our enemies so hey they deserve whatever they get right and they deserve death or

they deserve the pain that we put on them but you know there one thing peculiar about the hate Instinct and the death Instinct it's it's it's no respector of persons your own death Instinct can turn around against you as an individual you not only can hate other people but you you can what hate yourself and that hatred that destroys Other people that pains other people that kills other people that same hatred when it's curved around toward you is not going to stop doing it is it it's going to do the same thing to you it's

going to turn right back around into self-destruction suicide in some in in in some instances we say the person that commits suicide his individual who really wanted to kill somebody else but for some reason they like the the courage or they didn't Quite know who they wanted to kill or what have you and ultimately they turned in that instinct upon them themselves uh hate then leads to self-alienation and self-destruction it leads to depression it you know when you're depressed you talk about yourself I'm no good I'm a low so and so and so I don't

deserve to live I'm worthless the same kind of thing that you tell another person when you hate them you're Lo you're this you're a dirty dog so forth When you're in depression often you'll do what turn it right right around on yourself uh I don't deserve to live when you tell the when you hate somebody you say you don't deserve to live I'm going to kill you often then when you're into self-hatred you tell yourself the same thing I hate myself I don't deserve it I could just die I wish I would die and often

people will proceed to die and to kill themselves it leads then to decent cendence where the love Instinct leads To Transcendence and moving beyond the self often then the hate Instinct moves to descendence and going into oneself to decadence hatred leads it has its Euphoria but it's an unnatural euphoria that is you're going to get your kicks not from from self-love and the loving of others but from trying to deal with your own self-hatred trying to escape your own self-hatred you can only feel good when you've hurt somebody you can only feel good when you've

slandered Someone when you cut someone down embarrass them uh conquer them beat them in some kind of way so you have some people they they they get a Euphoria from hate but it is a euphoria that leads either to the destruction of themselves or the destruction of someone else or in dealing with that Euphoria then they have to go into drugs and alcohols and the other kinds of things uh as a way of getting a good feeling one way or the other because hatred is Not a good feeling whether it's expressed outward ultimately or inward

it leads to sadism the desire to hurt someone else and then get a pleasure from seeing them hurt you have some people we call hate satis right who get whose only pleasure and sexual pleasure is put someone else in pain often the rapist does not really want sex from The Woman and sometimes with the rapist you can say well here it is you can have all you want and at that point he loses his Interest he wants you to what struggle and fight and he wants to degrade you and hurt you and it's only through

the degrading of his victim and hurting the victim and forcing the victim against their will and seeing the victim in pain that he gets his climax or gets his sexual joles you see and this this is what the satus is about a person in filled with hate is often a person who can only get pleasure through hurting in one form or another masochism is also in There the individual who can only get some pleasure from being hurt from being dominated from being ruled from being degraded in some form or another and you have you have

uh places in the village where massacres hang out waiting for someone to come along and treat them like a dog for the night so that they can get so that they can get at some kind of sexual pleasure it's a pathetic kind of situation uh a lot of this hatred comes Out of a lot of this pleasure comes from enslavement now let's look then at the kind of love as we said earlier that comes from hate we said n the people love oh they you know they get all these great feelings we talk about in

the records and they they go for trying to hook into someone and and get someone to love them only and they experience this great love but ladies and gentlemen it is not enough to love the love must be based on the right Foundation one of the reasons why so many marriages are falling apart today even though the people when you see them on that wedding day they say they're getting married because they love each other is because they love each other for the wrong reason it is not enough for you to have a feeling of

love to be caught up in some the cuteness of some boy or to be caught up in how sweet he is to be caught up in how how you can't get him Out of your mind how how he makes you feel how how his touch just makes you go off all over it's not enough that's not enough you cannot base a family or long-term relationship on that kind of love you cannot base having children on that kind of love you see you must stand back and look and see upon what kind of love of on

what kind of roots that Love is Growing from and you may note then that that love is Growing out of hate that that love is growing out of resentment that it's growing out of an unhealthy situation and even though you have this great feeling and this great longing and this great need those feelings and those longings and those needs will ultimately destroy the one you love and destroy the children that you claim to love because a love that flows out of hatred is a love that's ultimately Selfish and self-centered is a love that ultimately does

not give the other person humanity and does not recognize them as an individual this kind of love is a love where you love yourself but you can only love yourself at the expense of destroying the ones you love only reducing them in some form or another love that comes out of hate e enemies because often you pick them Because they do not confront you with truth they do not confront you with your reality they help to maintain you in your own self-deception they don't say hey you're wrong you're destroying yourself it's terrible often we get

rid of those people they make us angry hey I'm having fun you blew my ey man you know you blew my head you know this you know this person hanging around they not smoking and partying with me you know you you you you put a wet Bank blanket On the whole party and of course the thing you're running from of course is that they may be pointing out how foolish and self-destructive you are but you don't want to face that right now so what do you do you move toward people who support this so the

self-hating person falls in love surely and experiences love surely but more nine T out of 10 they're going to move toward a person who maintains their self-destructiveness A part of the problem with the black love situation today ladies and gentlemen is that we have been duped into self-hatred by the European you see he's made us hate our heritage hate our skin hate our hair hate our noses and our lips he's made us hate Africa itself and the whole African Heritage he made us hate being black as individuals so consequently we're going to love somebody who

doesn't remind us Of who we are and what we are you see and we move then in our love toward people who can help us what escape from that which we hate and that's why we will often love our enemies if those enemies can take us away from ourselves that's why we love our overeating we love our o over sexing ourselves we love our drugs anything that does what take takes us away from our situation we love it and you will see ladies and gentlemen when you're in in an oppressed situation Your world must be

reversed the European is 10% of the world's population but yet rules over the other 90% Europeans have no real natural resources or whatever real natural wealth in their land but yet they are the richest people on Earth Japan has no natural resources whatever but yet it is seen as a powerful Nation he can only these nations can only achieve that by maintaining the other 90% in of the world in a state of deception in a state of craziness and Madness that's the only way it can be done you can only be robbed when you're deceived

and you don't know what to do with the wealth that you have and this is the community we have here today the black community here if we looked at it as a nation would be the 10th or ninth richest nation on Earth but yet you call yourself poor you don't want to educate your own children using your own money you can't build your own schools and build your own universities and build Your own Nations not because you don't have money but because the love you have makes you spend the money with your enemy and you

spend it then with The Pusher and with the other person and they make you feel good and you love them because they Supply you with this and this love then of course takes you away and you hate the people who don't Supply you with that even though they're your best friends you see and you attack them so then this self-hatred that has Been introduced into the black man means that often if we do not clear this self-hatred out we will love each other yes but the kind of love we have for each other will often

end up destroying us it will destroy our children and we see many of our children are destroyed in the name of what love many of you youngsters will have children out of wedlock before you prepared to have children before you've grown in wisdom and knowledge why Because what I love him he loves me uh I wanted to have someone I could love all to myself you got to know how to love and sometimes you haven't grown enough yet to know what real love is about and how to truly love an individual love is not just

a good feeling it is about more than good feeling as I will show you later heroin makes you feel good too crack makes you you feel good too All kinds of destructive things make you feel good and so if you love simply because you feel so good then you can still love in a way that's going to destroy you and destroy the people that are with you so it's not enough for you to have a baby for a boy because he makes you feel so good when you're with him or because you you have this

great feeling you see it's deeper than that and it involves more than that people then who have not come to terms With their self-hatred are people who are going to love in a way that's going to destroy them in order for us to be ruled over by this minority of people we have to be backwards our minds have to be turned backwards as I said earlier this people who rule us today we are a minority people in the world we're not we we are a what a majority people in the world we're not minorities there

are many many more Black people in the world than there are white people ladies and gentlemen many more however we've been deceived into thinking of ourselves as minorities the European countries are dependent on us we're not dependent on them they must get their mineral resources from Africa they must get their oil from Africa they must get their diamonds from Africa these computers and these technological instruments you see here today are only Made possible through the minerals taken from the southern the southern tip of Africa itself because the minerals and metals are not found in this

country at all up to almost 100% of the metals and other things that make space uh uh probing possible that make satellites possible that make jet planes possible and so forth come right out of the soils of Africa and yet we see Africans over there starving to death ladies and gentlemen and then they're projected as Being what dependent Nations but it is the European who is dependent but he must make you think what that you are dependent it's the old con game isn't it yeah this is only the way a minority people though can rule

over a giant you see it's by conning them say you're the weak one you're the dependent one you need me you can't live without me you can't have all these TVs and this stuff if I didn't exist in the world and of course when you think that You didn't submit and give your wealth away and hand it to them and let them have it and then they of course use that same wealth against you to destroy you to restrict you in various sorts of ways so we must be so when you filled with self-hate your

mind is reversed what it would what it means is this you move you will love the things that destroy you and you will hate the things that Advance your growth and you watch and look at your behavior look at the Behavior of your compatriots and watch if if what I'm saying is not true I hate to read I hate to study I hate to learn oh but I love to potty I love to smoke I love to drink I love to screw I love to you a ho ho and all the loves often you will

find will be loves at what that don't Advance you one bit and yet you can't get over them you you you you're addicted to them you see but the Thing things that lead to growth growth in wisdom knowledge you see self- understanding and self-discovery healthy relations self-control how those things are are hateful and but this is the only way a minority can rule over a majority of people is by turning their minds backwards so that they love the things that destroy them and hate the things that move them forward in order for these people to

rule over us we must hate Learning it's it has to be built into us we must think that we can't do math because you see if we do math if we were into learning if we were into research and into thinking and into you know real philosophical uh ideas and abstractions we would defeat those people they know it so consequently what they must do is Rob you of all of these things so that they may stay in in their place and you'll see that even in the man woman relationship a man often Robbing the woman

of any intellectual growth any personal growth any knowledge any wisdom because he sees that is the only way he can rule over her and maintain her under control and if she shows that she's growing and developing he gets angry and resentful and hateful I tell many of my students sometimes my female students in into my classes at the college you know before you get through educated get through being educated many of your husbands are going To leave you or your family's going to break up and of course some of them get angry you know what

who are you to say to what so and so but I know the nature of what many of the men you deal with jealousy you're hanging out with those college boys you see oh now you're getting too smart or now you're trying to move past me and I've seen women had to leave who had to leave College because the husband is giving them such a hard time or the boyfriend is giving Them such a hard time or he's hanging out in front of the school or going through all kinds of changes I've even seen families

have their children removed out of the college because this is the first one in college and they are wrestling with uh this one may be moving in in some kind of way and so in in almost all kinds of blocks are thrown in that way even if it means keeping up noise or or disrupting them in some form or another often then They destroy the individual we love those then who keep us from realizing our self-hatred you see one of the reason why we get so euphoric when we're in love is that by focusing our

minds and our energies and have Obsession upon another person by trying to live through another individual by trying to make that individual our total World by idealizing that individual and making them some goddess or some God we think by that It's going to lift us up Beyond who we are it helps us to avoid knowing who and what we are it keeps us from hating ourselves through their love we come to love ourselves and in that that's why we get stuck on them we feel that we need them and when they leave us we we

experience what depression and suicidal uh kinds of drives and so forth because that self-hatred which they've made us escape from while they were with us now comes back to Horn us again and we get Involved some people get drunk and some people actually commit suicide when their lovers leave them you see and so forth so often then this love that this euphoria that we feel for other individuals is a Euphoria based on the fact that they have taken us from truth and taken us from reality and taken us outside of one reason why we say

love is what blind blinds the individual to reality so that person you're in love with is not and who claims to love you Back particularly if that love feeds your self-hatred or helps you to escape your own reality is not doing your favor as a matter of fact they are part of the problem that is why often the ones we love are the ones who what hurt us and destroy us in a way we almost set ourselves up for it when our love is based on unhealthy Roots the consequences of the fear instinct there's also

fear there as well we often Hate the things we fear the love for our aggressors comes out of fear what I mean by that you know a very peculiar thing happens you ever ask yourself the question the Europeans enslaved us hundreds of thousands of our ancestors died on the ships coming over here and some of you youngsters and others when you have a chance to read about how the African was Transported over to this country it if it doesn't fill you with with with uh hurt and tears then of course you I guess I don't

know it's hard to describe what you would be take time and read this kind of situation where people had to go uh for weeks at a time with no Headroom with maybe about this much room between them and the floor where they could never stand Up where they laid down on the rough planks and the Sea as it moved the ship rubbed the very skin and meat off their bones where they had to lay in their own urination and their own defecation where they were chained often to people who were dead next door to them

and so forth look at that kind of thing you see many of us can only love our enemies because we haven't read it and we forgotten many of us don't want to read it because it does fill us with anger and and hatred And and fear and so forth many of us avoid black history because we try to avoid the fear and the anger and the bad feelings that's going to produce in in us but when we avoided it also means that we avoid knowing ourselves and who we are as a people of course the

slavery is another adventure Jim crism racial discrimination all of this yet at the end of all of this why is it that we want to marry these People why is it that we want to sleep with them and live with them and roll with why is that we we just forget all of the things that they have done to our grandparents and our great grandparents and the things they're doing to us right now and the things they're going to do to us in the future you see why do we do that you see why do

we want hair like them why do we want noses like them why do we want skin color like them why do we want to talk Like them and walk like them and be like them after they have done all of this kind of stuff to us as a people why do we love them more than we love ourselves have you ever thought about that kind of issue and yet this happens all the time and it is a very standard thing in Psychology we call it love for the aggressor identity with the aggressor where one loves

the one that persecutes Them in a in an unhealthy sort of way and identifies with the person that persecutes this goes on in families we I don't have time to go into the psychological details of this but this is a part of what Freud talked about when he talked about the anus complex that the his his theory is that the Boy comes to be like his father because the boy hates his father and it's very interesting kind of concept there he wants to get rid of his Father then how does he come to be like

his father we say because if he comes out and actually tells his father how much he hates him the father might do what destroy him you see he's dependent upon his father he needs his father and that need and dependency that fear that his father will hurt him or destroy him the fact that he feels weak relative to his father then sets him up to say I can't express my hatred I can't express my Hostility and and yet this hostility is tearing me apart this hatred is tearing me apart how can I get rid of

it and he he gets rid of it by saying then I'll do what my father says do I'll be like my father if I think the way my father thinks if I behave the way my father behaves if I look at the world the way my father looks at it if I have the values that my fathers have that has if I be as much like my father's possible then I will escape my father's Punishment and death if I can show my father that I love him that I'm the same as he then then my

father will not victimize me that it's a peculiar Theory but it has some interesting aspects about it to a good extent the relationship between African peoples and white people is a father child relationship we think of ourselves as weak powerless against the white man we see him as the source of Gifts the source of blessing he gives us the jobs he gives us the protection he gives us the food he provides the water he provides the housing he provides this he provides that you see and we also think because we're weak we cannot go directly

against him to destroy him even though he hurts us even though he degrades us even though he frustrates us even though he enslaves us and Discriminates against us we still don't quite get up the drive to say well I'm going to destroyed this person who who degrades me and who who is destroying me because we feel as if we need him in some kind of way that we can't live without him he also tells us that you suffer because you have a different color you suffer because you have a different kind of shaped nose you

suffer because you have a different hair you suffer because you you come from Africa you suffer because you don't look like me and what do we go for then we said well if I want to get out of this suffering then I should be as much like him as possible as a matter of fact if I get so much like him where he can't tell the difference between me and himself he won't punish me anymore I will no longer be what a victim so therefore we are motivated then to come out outside of ourselves to

Move toward the person that is destroying us and victimizing ourselves hoping that if we can get them to love us and if we can show them how much we love them and if we show them how much alike we can be we can get them to not see us as colored you know look at me don't look at me as a black person look at me as a person you know to abstract Us in other words in order for other people to love us they must not see the Blackness of our skins they must see

Some kind of invisible abstra action before them true love is a person who sees you for all of your Blackness and your big lips and your big nose and your Ki your head still does what loves you if they got to remove your hair and they can't see you standing before them as a black person they don't love you ladies and gentlemen for a person to say I don't see you as black how can you not see me as black I'm standing right in front of You but this is the kind of thing we want

these people to do to abstract who we are and therefore we become a distraction that means we leave who we are we have to come outside of ourselves that's why we want to be educated with them and educated like them and so forth we want to to not identify in any way with Africa African people because to identify with Africa and African people is to suffer so consequently we even come to hate ourselves and come to hate Our people and come to love the people who destroy us but it's an unhealthy kind of love we

come to resemble those people we want to take their values and their orientations toward life and when they accept us we escape from our self-hatred and therefore we look as if we look for their love to take us outside of ourselves as a people so consequently even when we don't love them when we love even within our own group we still Often look for a kind of love that will take us outside of ourselves which mean then we become false and unreal and untrue and and dishonest and deceptive unknowing and how can you develop then

a beautiful household and beautiful children and a beautiful Community with the love based on this kind of hatred too much of the love in this system not only among black people but even in this country as a whole black white blue green and yellow is love Based on hatred and resentment on people trying to escape from themselves it's a love based on fear you see fear of rejection why do you have that baby I figured if I didn't have him he'll leave me of course the man says if you don't have it I'll leave you

the only way I can hold on to him is by having this what kind of love is that it's not a productive kind of love and the problem is it always what it Almost always fails it doesn't work out out and you can see hundreds and hundreds of our people our women and men trying to hold on to love and hold on to a man and hold on to somebody by having children and families for them even in marriage you know I figured if we have these children this will bring us together big lie rarely

does having children bring a man and a woman together you got to be together on your Own terms you cannot put children in that kind of position where they are used to hold you and your man together that's a misuse of the child that's then a love that becomes destructive you see so it's a love developed out of fear but people who are fearful love but they love in a way where they make other people fear them you see if they fear and the Greatest thing that that a an oppressed person fears is really himself

and self- knowledge and self- knowing because they're afraid when they look at themselves they're not the big person they think they are they're not the big hero they think they are they're not the smart guy they think they are they're not the cutest guy they think they are they you know they they they're not God's gift to women and God's gift to the Earth they have many weaknesses and And lacks in their own personality but they don't want to face that because if they face that they figure other people will reject them will not accept

them for who they are so they project a front upon the world and they love people who help them support that kind of front they're running away from anxiety so their life is built around a Vance and but in order for them to maintain your love they must make you fear losing their love so you live in Fear of them oh if I don't do this he'll leave me if I don't do this he'll hurt me and as long as he got you anxious about whether he leave you or whether he's going to reject you

or whether he's going to pay you in attention and you're caught up and build your life around that it keeps you from seeing who this person really is he keeps you from seeing his real weaknesses he keeps you from seeing the emptiness of his life you see and therefore he loves you to The degree that you're blind to who and what he is and to the degree that you also cannot bring forth and let him see what he is about and therefore these fearful people love too but they love only by injecting fear into the

ones they love they terrorize their wives they terrorize their children they terrorize their neighborhoods and they just terrorize people in general people have a fear of suffering a great part of the problems In this world is a a fear of suff you know we get we we we've grown a generation of people here who feel like there's something constitutionally wrong with suffering you know and I guess that may be this movement from the country to the city you see if you're born in the country like I you you learn how to suffer and bear it

you know to get up at 4:00 in the morning before sunrise and whether you feel like it or not and get Out there and do what has to be done whether you feel like it or not to to do what to to to solve your problems to sit down and study to do your work whether you like it or not your liking or not has nothing to do with it but the but we got a generation here that says if I don't like it I have no right to do it I have a right to

be happy all the time there should not be any suffering in my life at all that's crazy and it's stupid and people who try to escape Suffering and try to escape pain because it is through pain and suffering that often you come to know yourself and you come to grow and you get strength and you get character and you know how to commit yourself to something and do something but if you get caught up where you going to escape all kinds of suffering you're going to lead yourself into destruction you see then you want to

stay what high all the time you want to stay coked up and doped Up and smoked up and liquored up and sexed up and all the other kind of UPS you see but in the end it keeps you out of school it keeps you from learning it keeps you from growing it blinds you to your yourself it it it destroys your families you got to steal from them you got to rob somebody you got to mug somebody you got to leave your children starving on the floor you got to leave your wife and a whole

bit because you can't stand what Suffering you can't take a little what pain you fear it you're not a man you're a child when you fear pain when you fear suffering when you fear doing something even though you don't always feel like doing it that's childish and yet then many of us because we have suffered we figure we have a right now to live happy the you know Forever After and the only way you can live happy forever after is often by Getting into synthetic happinesses drugs and other kinds of things and getting away and

if the thing that you fear most is your own self it means that the only way you're going to get happy is by escaping from yourself which you're going to live a totally false life a disconnected schizophrenic type of life so then the ultimate fear then is a fear of selfnsfw but he's always talking about black People always talking about Africa he's in two that 1960s stuff a lot of us like to view people who dealing with the problems and issues of black people has in the 196 I'm talking about now that wasn't my problem

I wasn't back there then you have not escaped it ladies I don't care how young you are you can be a babe in arms the history of your people is with you right at this moment in fact that very attitude is the result of the history of your people when you Have it it means you have been had you have been suckered and made a chump because you're set up now to destroy yourself as a people and out of that then comes a fear of women and and fear of men and ultimately a fear of

intimacy why do people a good part of love you see involves opening yourself up to somebody letting them see your weaknesses no I'm not all Mr man I'm not all Mr Right I tell you in a minute I'm No saint okay I have all kinds of flaws and we wees the but there are some people who feel that they have to project this in this what this image of what Perfection saintliness I'm the greatest and some of you now got These Foolish rap songs I'm the king of the world I can do this and that

I can and notice it it's the weakest most powerless depressed rundown people Coming up with all of that hype and nonsense and instead of actually being what they're saying they're just ready hear the bumps and the knocks and get off on that and so that very hype instead of motivating you to move forward and do something is the very thing that maintains you right into and listen to the lyrics you know and I'm Superman and I'm the super lover and I'm the and look at all the use often that's in it you know I'm going

to do the girls And I'm going to do the boy and I can kick this and do that watch it it's it's filled with unproductive kinds of behavior but at the same time it Hypes people up you see in some kind of way and at some of our concerts we've seen people even fighting and struggling with each other at the very conext where this kind of thing is happening even though I grant you many of the rap lyrics do have positive things so I'm I'm I'm making a generalization here and I I listen to The

rap some of the rap is very good and it's an excellent medium for getting across some good messages as well so I'm not condemning the rappers I'm condemning the kind of Rapp though that creates false pride and takes you outside of yourself and outside of your reality and keeps you outside of because some of you those radios have grown to your ears you can't get rid of it look at what nakasa said about us the other day Reason why America is behind what is because the presence of blacks Puerto Ricans and Mexicans and women don't

when I'm on TV don't remember what I say they only remember the color of my tie these are the people so that you keep in business and watch the arrogance come out of them still seeing us like what dogs and children hardly any of you with these radios can go to a black dealership and buy it but yet you support Japan you Support it in every kind of way and the premier of Japan shows you the contempt that he has for you you give your money to every other group but yourself you can't spend in

your own grocery stores and your own supermarket in your own places and then you complain about how the people treat you bad but they how can you be respected when you take your money and instead of spending it with your own people and supporting your own families and Building your own economics and hiring your own children and making the system for yourself how can you be respected people can see that you're a fool right right along with that you indicate how what a fool you are and then you you want to be a fool and

yet you want somebody to act like you're not they're doing you service when they tell you that you're a fool nak Sun done it did people a service because hopefully it woke some of us up to recognize that These Japanese don't think any more about us than these whites think about us they're willing to take our money and willing to drive you crazy with this music that we listen to day in and day out that we can't live without but at the same time they don't think a damn thing about you and what we want

from them an apology no don't worry about the apology think about what the thing says you see and this is the cas of love that uh yet We love that radio we love Panasonic we love Sony we love mitsub Bey we D Love Japanese cars we just anything Japanese we want it and yet you don't even see the Japanese going crazy with that music but driving other people crazy and we love it so much until we don't say hey man since you selling us all these radios why don't you give a dealership to black people

so we can at least make some money off of it you see No we we we're too busy wrapped up in the music your black people make over 60% of the money in the music industry is made by black people and what do you look at you wrapped up in the stars but stars come and go some of them get one hit and they are gone some of them a year or two and they're gone who gets the money though forever it's the lawyers and the promoters and the other people you you Don't see up

front that the the star gets only a few Pennies from each record it's the company itself that gets the real dust but we don't want to be those people because we're caught up in the star we're caught up in the stage action we're caught up in the in the in the video you are giving billions of dollars away to another people that you can give to yourself and to your children but because you're caught up in the music and the music takes you outside of who You are and what you are you're then robbed and

you wonder why you can't make it in the world you see because we hung up into what good feelings and fear so then when people are raised in in fear and and hatred and self-hatred their love based on that self-hatred is going to be a love that's ultimately destructive it means then that we want to escape intimacy and yet intimacy is a major part of love exposing oneself to being hurt you see Many people I can't love because what I'm going to be hurt I can't stand it I can't stand being hurt so either I

want love or else if I do fall in love how the song go when I fall in love it will be forever that way I won't have to feel the pain if it leaves me and so you drive a man crazy you drive a woman crazy because even when they spit in your face you still cling on and hold on Because you you say oh it's raining you see why because you don't you you you're afraid that you don't have enough strength and power to survive and be on your own so then often then you

don't want to reveal yourself and open yourself up because you tend to think if they really knew who I was they wouldn't love me you see so then you cut yourself off and you love with a part of yourself that leads to frigidity that leads to Impotence that leads to unsatisfactory sexual relationships that leads then to deception and dishonesty in your relationship with your boyfriend in the relationship to your husband in relationship to your wife because you're afraid and the man is says what if I let her know I'm weak she'll take that weakness and

manipulate me with it take advantage of me with it and the woman says the same thing so you have two people here who live in Hypocrisy one with the other so consequently we Escape intimacy these people then who love out of fear and hatred uh then fear being self-revealing because it makes them vulnerable they also fear commitment which is another part of love to commit oneself to another person to commit yourself to their protection and to sharing with them and caring for them to put your resources at their disposal to struggle to make life better

for them And yourself but people who have self-doubt people who have self-hatred people who've been outside of themselves and therefore have not developed their talents have problems with commitment people because they want to appear often to be successful and powerful and great and and filled with beauty and all this other kinds of stuff and they feel if they make a commitment then they will fail they will be shown for what they Really are their inability to provide for their families their inability to protect their women their inability to educate their children their inability to provide

for their community in their race and their group so if you don't want to be embarrassed if you don't want to be perceived as a failure then you make no what no commitments you see and therefore people who love out of Fe who love out of self-hatred who love out Of their inferiority complex love people who don't demand anything from them who don't require that they what commit themselves in some fashion or other so you're going to find that you love this woman to the degree that what she doesn't ask you for anything but when

she starts demanding your time demanding your energy demanding a bit of your commitment all of a sudden that love what disappears you get married you you've been making Love every weekend you've been getting high together every weekend you've been kissing and hugging and having fun you know that weekend love can deceive you you know because many people when they get into the weekend love they figure oh well when I get married that just means seven weekend days per week you know it's just going to be love and sweet Beauty every night but it doesn't work

out that way unfortunately and when that child Arrives then you begin what the heck have I got my myself into here now I've got a whole life now to take care of I got a wife and a family I got to take care of and all of a sudden it's not as much fun as it used to be all of a sudden uh it's the the stuff is not quite as good as it used to be you see and you get a little bored with it and you get a little tired of it and the

woman starts asking when you going to get a job what are you going to take Feed the baby and bring some diapers here and move to a better place and you start hating her for that you see and you think she's unfair and you want to beat her sometimes or leave her or do something else and sometimes you desert her because now your weak in love has turned into reality because now you have you are you you you you you're forced to make a commitment and now you're forced up against the reality of yourself because

You have to question can I do it do I have the talent do I have the abilities do I have the education do I have the drive do I have the ability to take the suffering and go through with it like a man or is it that have been so much in love because it didn't require any commitment on my part I've been so high all the time I've been having so much fun I didn't take time to develop these kinds of things now the woman tricked me she she brought me into this now I

hate Her for it the children are out after me you see and this is the kind of love then that comes uh from fear and this is the kind one of the reasons why we then hate intimacy because often uh many times even your woman or man doesn't want you to be intimate because their love depends upon their idealization of you oh you're the greatest I've never had it like this before it's the greatest I've ever had in my life you know and oh we're going to be so happy And I'm oh here's this young

muscular man and I'm going to have this body to myself every night and all of this you know we we caught up in all of these these fantasies you and he's caught up in this fantasy his own fantasies again oh I'm going to have this at home waiting for me cooking dinner taking care of my children while I tip out and get a few more pieces somewhere else however I'll still you know I'll still make it she's not going To complain too much cuz you know if I love her writing everything she'll like that you

know you know all these kind of fantasies that that we put in uh to each other's uh heads you see but then when you when you face with the children in the family you face then with yourself and who you really are but what I'm saying here too is often the person with you doesn't want to see who you really are because they getting such a great thrill from who they imagine you Are we often then fall in love with love you see we fall in love with the feeling hey don't spoil this thing with

reality man please you know so even when the person is really acting out and showing you what kind of a nasty selfish self-centered individual they are you sit there decide not to see it or you say well with enough love I'll change him a woman's greatest mistake you are not going to change a man you can have all the kind of love And often because you had wrong love anyway but you can have all the kind of love women that you think you have for a man do not deceive yourself it is very very difficult

to change a man and to think that you're going to change a man after you get married to them is to to wallow in deep self-deception if he's not halfway way to 34th right before you get hooked up leave the man alone I'm telling you leave cut it out if you cannot make him What he should be before you get committed and before you have the children watch out when you have the children it's going to be too late but often because you feel so good you you you you give yourself these lies oh with

the left love with understanding we are going to communicate with each other and all that kind of stuff and it doesn't happen it doesn't get around to it and to a good extent then the woman ends up getting what she deserves because often Her friends her parents her Elders other people are telling her all the time guy is no good using you but what do you do with that friend curse them out mind your own business you know and hold it you just jealous you know and we rationalize it in all kinds of ways and

and consequently then we want to act surprised and disappointed when the truth finally comes through and then we want to leave we want to sometimes we want to hurt the children well nobody Cares about me why should I care about somebody else and often this it's it's this is done in in reference to the children you look at the children and you see your husband or the man who left you and you hate them for it and you project into them their hatred or you you sit around them and you talk about how evil and

terrible men are and you make the boys not want to be men and you make the girls grow up hating men tricking Men playing games on them Because they've heard sitting at your knee all the things you've had to say about them how you've projected yourself as Miss victim and the man is Mr monster you see these games that people play so you cannot M if you truly love a person you cannot maintain that person in their illusion true love means you have to be truthful as well to the individual and I'll wrap it up

here shortly happiness gained from hatred and Fear serves to maintain your oppression to strengthen your pusher to maintain your nonproductively earlier pardon me heroin can make you feel happy crack can make you feel happy for a while smoke and dope can make you feel happy overeating can make you feel happy alcohol can make you feel happy and to do these things you have to hate yourself to sit and watch yourself Become enslaved to a drug to watch yourself be become degraded where you have to sell your body in order to get a few seconds High

to go through beggy to have to Rob to have to steal in order to get a moment of what you call happiness to take a man's abuse to take his degradation to get what you call a few moments of Happiness means ultimately then that you are serving that Person you enrich The Pusher you enrich the people that oppress you you give false Pride to that man when he misuses you and you put up with it he grows in his pride and grows away from himself he gains power through your own destruction and putting you down

it makes you unproductive as an individual you get caught up then in trying to get this feeling this often happens to our people as a people we are So much and we want to be loved by these Europeans so badly until we forget to spend the money with ourselves a part of getting them to love us is that we must spend the money let me go in here and buy this $500 suit and show them white folk that I can bu I can spend like they do you know and let me go down here Maes

and let me go whatever you know go to this shop you know prove some of these people and they see I'm not like the rest of them [ __ ] out there you see When you need that love you see in that sense because the comes out of you hating yourself you have to take them your money you see you have to work for them and whatever you produce has to be given back to them as a people basketball players football players making millions and of dollars have to end up giving it back to the

other people cannot give it to their own you have to spend it with the other people because you want them To be nice and they grin at you and Pat you on your butter talk about you in a very snide sort of way at the same time reaching for your dollars and later on they're like kn they talk about you like a dog and you wonder why you get no respect but love that grows out and happiness that is based on self-hatred is only a happiness that can lead to the strengthening of other individual it's

time for us to have an Africa car ladies and gentlemen not one built in Japan but One built in Africa and and and to build things coming from ourselves but we think happiness is buying from some white person buying some White House buying into some white Community going to some WX that's happiness for us when you define and because what I feel good oh they don't treat me like I'm colored you know I forget about I'm black when I'm around them ah I just feel so good but see when I'm around my own I I

I I I'm reminded that I'm black so I don't Really want to be around them you see so it means what you take all of your talent all of your resources and everything then has to be given to the people and of course they see what look at these fools you just giving us our money you you you you go on the picket line and you you you fall before blesses and force your children into their arm and they tell we don't want to be bothered with your children we don't want to educate your children

it is to Our advantage that they stay stupid and ignorant hold take a minute out I'll be happy if they're there so happiness leads to this kind of stuff happiness too may be rooted in hatred and fear and often the kind of Happiness we move towards is a happiness that takes us from oursel when happiness becomes an exclusive goal when happiness is defined as only a feeling you see just feeling good you See and not looked at in terms of where it come from that happiness is going to be the source of your destruction any

of us have been destroyed because we have this Feelgood definition of happiness I talked to one man one day he says I live in a white neighborhood children play with my children what should I do and someone in all this said move you know go to a place where it they will be oh no I have the right to Live wherever I feel and so forth and I said well isn't it interesting that uh the black the white man can feel like he has all kinds of rights in the world and it doesn't necessitate him

living with black people at all he doesn't feel like he's been deprived of a thing for not living with black people he doesn't feel like he's deprived of a thing for not spending money with black people he doesn't feel like he's been deprived of a thing for not sending his children With black in black school but we are the ones who feel deprived you see we feel deprived if we can't live with them we feel deprived we can't spend our money with them you see we feel deprived of our children are not in school with

them you see we will be happy when this can happen which means that we give them our children we give them our money we give everything to them and means in ultimately that we cannot give our children Anything and then when they have to Rob and steal and and and fil and carry on we wonder what's wrong with them it is not what's wrong with the children ladies and gentlemen it is what's wrong with us as black adults that set these children up for this because we are looking for a happiness that is bound if

it's based on fear and self-hatred to destroy our children and we'll do we'll justify by saying we love them and we want them to get the Best which often ends up what the other way around I got to end it here uh one of other thing marriage marriage is an opportunity for self-growth is an opportunity for self-discovery you see having children is also an opportunity for further maturing of your personality for further personality development because of course as you if you work honestly in your marriage you Work honestly in your love relationship it it it

helps you to see who and what you are if you have a good honest relationship with another person that person serves as a mirror to help you see the real you and in seeing the real you you correct the flaws and you correct the weaknesses and you deal with the weaknesses and so forth so if the other person is understanding and not condemning if the other person is not over idealizing you needs to make you Some great hero or some god or goddess it then will give you a chance then to grow if they accept

you for who you are with the idea though that their acceptance means that you continue to grow and develop you see then they are providing a real natural and healthy kind of love for you marriage and having children provides that kind of opportunity if the people are not afraid if they're not hiding things if they're not filled with self-hatred and Hostility if they want to be honest with each other and open with each other then they will grow in strength and power and and love and their families will grow beautifully and wonderfully when you have

children often they make you reflect back upon your own childhood often we use our children to correct the things that happen to us as children some of us do it the wrong way though we're so determined that they're not going to have the kind of childhood we Had as children we end up spoiling them and creating problems for them but if we look at them and watch them grow and watch our relationship with them and we look at ourselves and see our own selves in terms of our relationship with our children then we can grow

and develop and be healthy for ourselves and for our children but people who go into marriage out of fear and self-hatred and the kind of love I talked about earlier that makes them Escape themselves are Peoples whose marriages are going to be filled with conflict unproductive conflict quickly you have a lot of kind of loves that destroy marriages now let us say often when you go into a marriage trying to Def defend yourself and defend your weaknesses and so forth instead of coping with them and solving them what is your defense becomes an offense against

the other person you have the narcissist you know many of us nobody loves us mama don't love us white folk Don't love us because white folk don't love us mama don't love herself daddy don't love himself he hates us and now if I'm going to get in love at all I'm going to have to do what love myself for myself but often you see it's that's not a healthy kind of love it's a narcissistic kind of love and many people move into that this kind of love that many of our people have by the way

because we've been made to feel inferior and often the way we we get over feeling Inferior is by inflating who we are and that's a part of the rap tradition you see in some people there these people who really feel weak must project the image of what being superum super lovers Beyond life itself you know beyond law be our law unto themselves and everybody else is subordinate to them as people this narcissistic love he can only love them the love narcissist love love is only possible if the other gives up their Individuality and rights for

the benefit of other I've seen some African types by the way those who go into African tradition also go in it with a narcissistic uh motivation I am the African king and the African woman is to support her man and not object to anything he says and she gets identity totally through me she must live for me her old identity is with me this is what the true African woman does doesn't save Your marriage I'm telling you and many people holler and I get people who are into Afrocentric tradition ladies gentl who call me who

have problems with their marriages because they're trying to live some kind of mythical African concept or the woman is what I'm the African queen and my man is supposed to do this is supposed to do that and live for me the whole bit unrealistic the totally unrealistic it's a narcissism often people jump you see To be africanist in orientation is fine but you got to be an African newness also for the right reason many people have jumped into African nationalism have jumped into the African tradition not out of true love but out of reaction the

white people hate us they never love us so let's jump back and be AF if they did love us I wouldn't have to be this you see so it's a reactionary kind of thing and you it then Express sometime even within a so-called African Oriented organization love is only and the the narcissistic woman love is only possible if I can sacrifice myself for you you know I'll die for you I'll you know give up everything I have for you and I live exclusively for you and what's yours is mine and and so forth you give

up your own your own individuality but a narcissist can only love somebody who gives up everything for themselves and they can see love operating on this then we have the Dependent types I want to be cared for and protected you know I've been robbed you know a lot of us as black people love out of deprivation we've been deprived of Freedom we've been deprived of housing we've been deprived of schooling we've been deprived of Love we've been deprived of this and what are we going to do we're going to find this man who's going to

make up for all of our deprivations you see and and we're so Deprived and of course the men are willing to oblige you until they get a piece right oh baby I'm everything to you when you love me I'm going to be all the whole bit to you and they they'll go along with that for a while until it's enjoy then after a while though that kind of love stops you know you everything ladies and gentlemen another person cannot be everything to you and the idea of moving towards somebody who's going to be everything to

you is Is a sign of Madness and craziness and and but yet there's some people who are caught up in their needs so badly they have so many any strong needs to the only thing they can think about is what they need now the other person is only supposed to bow to what they need you don't love me unless you supply what I need you should be happy to what serve me that's the way the the narcissist is you know you should be happy to even be hooked up with me you shouldn't ask for Anything

else you know and some of us think that oh man if I could only just hang out with him and love him I'll be happy I won't ask for nothing else crazy but you will ask for something else in end I want to be cared for so many of us want to become children again and many black women get into this thing you know I want some man that can permit me to be like the white woman because that image is you know she's careed for her husband Protected the white man have all so I

want this kind of man but at least unrealistic kind of things you know you must recognize your man is in bondage he's got struggles on his hand he is not going to supply you like a white man supplies this woman because the his his economic social and political reality is not that of a white man and for you to old those images those old Dallas images in your head and even those Bill Cosby images in your head and even these other Images in your head are often going to mislead you look at what is real

and deal with what is real we have that dependent type it's the consumer type I'm afraid to be a man I'm afraid to be a woman her father or a mother so I need a mother and I need a father so instead of you marrying a man and sharing equal with you want to marry your daddy in Disguise or you want a mama in Disguise in one way or you want to be taking care of you want a sugar daddy you want to be A a baby for the rest of your life consuming and buying

to fill up for the emptiness in your life and so forth and then we have the Master Slave love well the white man dominates me and rule over me I'm going to be what the boss in my house and I'm going to you know often what happens the slave turns over to try to enslave other people and so the if he can't enslave the white man he feels like a slave to the white man he'll make sure one thing His wife is going to be a slave to him and his children are going to be

a slave to him and nobody is going to have a right to to rule over him or have anything to say he who does not want to be dominated must dominate others and he see his wife as being independent as having a mind as of her own as her attempt to dominate him to rule him to make him look bad so often he can only love a slave a dumb woman or somebody who doesn't have who he figures will not Challenge him or see through his weaknesses we have the phallic lover you know the Mr

Man he's totally man you see he has no femininity in him whatsoever you can love me to the ex and I love you only to the extent that you make me feel that I'm a man very difficult ladies and much for your your afraid question okay a SE e E e e e e e e e e e e e E e e e e for