Welcome, welcome in here, [cheering] out there, all around the world to the Late Show. I'm your host, Steven Colbear. Ladies [cheering] and gentlemen, I don't I'm sure I don't have to tell anybody in this room, today is January 6th, a dark day in our nation's history and a permanent stain on the legacy of Donald Trump because it is Eric Trump's birthday.
[cheering] >> [applause] >> You can't you can't wash that out. [cheering] Also, there was the failed coup. And ever since Trump has been desperate to to to make us forget he had a failed coup.
Failed coup. He has instead repeatedly called January 6th, 2021 a day of love. Yeah, it is it is it is a bit of a weird description, but remember Trump has a weird concept of love.
This is what he considers a birthday card. [cheering] Are you one? Are you pubes?
Now, of course, the the big topic today remains the arrest of Venezuelan dictator Nicholas Maduro. So far, the public reaction to the invasion has been meh. In a new uh Reuters Ipsos Chili's triple dipper combo poll, only one in three Americans supports the US ousting Maduro, while twothirds of Americans think Maduro is the name of a new weight loss drug.
Ask your position if Maduro is right for you. It's cocaine. But Trump remains confident.
Trump remains confident. Don't ap No, [cheering] [applause] thank you very much. But Trump remains confident that his fans support the invasion, saying, "Ma loves it.
MAGA loves what I'm doing. MAGA loves everything I do. MAGA is me.
MAGA loves everything I do. And I love everything I do, too. " In conclusion, I am he as you are.
He as you are me. And we are all together. I am the walrus.
Goo do the coup. So [cheering] you won't be Mr City [applause] pretty little. So you won't be surprised uh to learn that when he was asked who was running Venezuela now he responded me rejoice people of Venezuela.
You can say goodbye to madman Maduro and say hello to madman Miduro. Don Esta L oil l oil. Now this is not good news uh for the woman that everybody had assumed Trump would put into power, Nobel Prize winner Maria Karina Machado.
In fact, reportedly he's so upset about her winning the Nobel Peace Prize that he won't make her president. She was asked about the Nobel last night by uh Sean Hannity. >> Did you at any point offer to give him the Nobel Peace Prize?
Did that actually happen? I had read that somewhere. I wasn't sure if it was true.
>> Well, it it hasn't happened yet, but I certainly would uh love to to be able to personally tell him that uh we believe the Venezuelan people because this is a prize of the Venezuelan people certainly want to to give it to him and share it with him. >> Rookie move. I know.
I know you're trying to kiss his ass, but you lost him the moment you use the word share. Or he's, as he calls it, the C word. [laughter] Share.
It looks like It looks like Venezuela. [applause and cheering] That is sad, isn't it? That's some sad videotape.
It looks like Venezuela is only the beginning because now Trump is threatening military action against a whole bunch of other countries including Colombia, Mexico, and Iran. It's pretty wild to live under a Pokemon president, whose foreign policy is got to catch them all. But the sovereign territory Trump really wants to get his mushy little mitts on is Greenland.
>> Do you expect to take an action against Greenland? >> Well, I don't want to talk about Greenland. We'll worry about Greenland in about 2 months.
Let's talk about Greenland in [laughter] 20 days. >> One thing, we talked so much about energy. >> By the way, about I have to I will say this about Greenland.
We need Greenland from a national security situation. >> Wow. He failed that marshmallow test immediately.
Look, I don't want to eat that marshmallow. Okay? We'll worry about the marshmallow in 2 months.
Okay? We We'll eat it in 20 days. We'll eat it in 20 days.
I will say this about the marshmallow. Give me that marshmallow. Marshmallow.
[applause and cheering] If you're worried about uh a war over a bunch of rocks and ice against one of our NATO allies, uh you will not be comforted by the words of Steven Miller, who said this to Jake Tapper last night. Can you rule out that the US is is ever going to try to take Greenland by force? >> Well, let me let me go back a step.
>> That's not a no. Honey, would you ever cheat on me? Well, [laughter] let me go back a step.
Miller went on, Greenland has a population of 30,000 people. Jake, the the real question is by what right does Denmark assert control over Greenland? What is the basis of their territorial claim?
>> Good question, Steve. Denmark has controlled Greenland for about 300 years. And in 1916, the United States formally recognized Denmark's interest in Greenland in exchange for the Danish West Indies, which became the US Virgin Islands.
Wait, there's an island of virgins? I got a No, hold on. GET ME THE PHONE.
[cheering] Get me the phone. Right now, [applause] I got to I got to tell my friend Jeffrey. HE'S WHAT?
WHY? GOD, WHY? All right, [laughter] that's why.
I'll call you back. Trump's invasion of Venezuela on Saturday threw off my plans for what I really wanted to talk about this week, which of course is how this year's Kennedy Center honors drew an all-time low viewership on CBS with host Donald Trump. [cheering] That's amazing.
[applause] [applause] >> Nobody saw that coming. I'm sorry, I read that wrong. Uh, nobody saw that.
The president managed to draw only 3 million viewers on CBS. Now, it is beneath me to gloat, >> but if it weren't beneath me, I'd call him no talent, lowrated Donald Trump. You know what?
[cheering] Wow. [applause] Wow. >> [applause and cheering] >> I gotta say, >> I see why he says that.
[laughter] That felt good. Then again, maybe we should cut the guy some slack. After all, it was just his first year hosting.
As a former Kennedy Center host myself, I know it can take a while to build an audience. What were my ratings my first year? 9.
25 25 million views. [cheering] What? Huh?
[cheering] 9. 25 million views. [applause] Wow.
Huh? What do you know? Three times as many.
And I didn't even name the building after myself. [applause] What's that? You're what?
You're telling me I actually knew that? because I asked my research to get me that information this morning so I could do this thing and pretend like I didn't know. Well, you learn something new every day.
Trump's terrible numbers hurt more when you remember that he predicted it would be the highest rated show they have ever done. Well, that's about as far off as a prediction could possibly be. Next to Amelia Heheart's famous words, "One thing's for sure, I ain't getting lost.
" [laughter] Yeah. Yeah. She's had a free ride for too long.
[laughter] We had a debate during the rehearsal about whether I should do an off-road to just jack slap Amelia Heheart for no reason. And evidently my staff really hates her. I think she was a wonderful woman.
There's an update from HHS Secretary RFK Jr. seen here learning fire good. During his confirmation hearings, Bobby promised not to mess around with our vaccines.
But apparently his brain worm ate that memory cuz yesterday his health officials slashed the number of vaccines recommended for all kids. So now kids will have to build up their immune systems the oldfashioned way by licking everything in the Chuck-E-Cheese ball pit. Bobby's new vax schedule leaves off some pretty bad diseases.
He recommends kids no longer be required to get shots for rotovirus, hepatitis A, hepatitis B, RSV, some forms of menitis, and flu, which is terrible timing because right now the flu has reached its highest level in the US in 25 years. Flu hasn't been this bad since 2000 when the nation was also facing an epidemic of Carlos Santana featuring Rob Thomas fever. And we remember And we remember what health officials said then.
[music] >> For now. For now. It was a long walk.
Thank you for coming with me. [cheering] Thank you. [applause] We We [applause] debated that one in rehearsal, too.
For now, vaccines will still be available, but only when doctors recommend them in what's called shared decision-making. And who will parents share this decision-making with? >> My two ravens, >> of course, they're always there.
[applause] The White House also pitched in by posting this medical cartoon featuring an American baby sad about all the vaccines it's getting compared to a European baby getting fewer vaccines who is slightly less sad because its mom is about to give it a glass of Bordeaux. Speaking early. Speaking of things that aren't necessarily good for you, a new lawsuit alleges that McDonald's McRib sandwich contains no rib meat.
What was your first hint? that the Mc Rib wasn't real ri when you saw that the bones are also made of meat. We're also suing the makers of Dino Nuggets.
Our core sample found zero T-Rex DNA. The plaintiffs say the sandwich should include at least some meaningful quantity of actual pork rib meat when they claim it's actually made from lower grade pork products such as shoulder, heart, and scaldic stomach. explains McDonald's new slogan.
>> At least it's not anus. >> We got a great show for you tonight. My guests are Foster and Tracy Les.
[cheering and music] And when we come back, science [music and cheering] [music] >> [music] [music] >> Hey.
