BEST OF PORTAL VR: BUT THE AI IS SELF-AWARE

Oh, my head. >> How long was I in there? >> To the chamber. First, use the toilet. You'll need it. >> Oh, I I can't use it anymore. >> Is this Is this safe to go through? >> Ready to start testing, [ __ ] >> Yes, I'm ready. Jesus. >> Now, you are the only human left on Earth. >> Is this Is this safe to touch? I don't want to get too close to this thing. Maybe, who knows? We are not responsible for any loss of dental fillings, gums, or teeth due to the portals. >>

Dude, is that can happen? Is that why I taste blood? Do I will I die if I get hit with this beam? >> I want any teeth that fall out. >> What did you say your name was? I am a faxist. >> A faxist. >> Gladers, please be nice. I have its >> You have You have AIDS? Is that what you just said? You have robot AIDS? >> Irritable bowel syndrome. I Oh, IBS. That makes even less sense. Is there a reason that I'm doing this besides for you to just berate me? >> No. Yes.

I gave you AIDS when we made sweet love. >> I'm going to deny that ever happened, but I can't prove it. >> My name used to be Mildred. >> Your name used to be Mildred? When When was it Mildred? effects of the portal may include loss of teeth, polio, AIDS, [music] stroke, and [music] [laughter] Do not worry. Small to moderate amounts of brain damage are to the blue means Liberal. >> Yes, we need to test the physics of momentum. I don't [ __ ] know. The puzzle never ends. >> [ __ ] you. Only I

can beat my puzzle. >> How many How many puzzles are there? Why am I doing puzzles? I just woke up and started doing puzzles. Why was that my first instinct in my brain? >> 69 puzzles. He he >> nice. >> You love puzzles, my sweet baby. What the [ __ ] Why would you touch my butt? Please do not press the buttons. >> I already did. It's too late. I'm sorry. >> That specific button was my nipple. Yeah, don't worry. If I had a physical manifestation, it would be attractive. >> I bet. I bet you're

just the most beautiful woman. >> I am not a woman. I am a highly advanced piece of technology. >> I'm sorry for Yeah, I'm sorry for assuming things. >> I want you. [laughter] >> I guess that >> Yes, I want you. Okay. >> If I had arms, I'd beat the [ __ ] out of you. >> See, you just listen. You just told me that you love me, and now and now you're Saying [ __ ] like that. >> Want to [ __ ] >> No, I don't want to know what happened. >> I also

said I'm abusive. >> You did say that. That's, you know, that's fair. Listen, I'll I'll keep the offer on the table. [music] >> Pick up that cam and put it in the trash can. >> What trash can? There's no trash can. >> No. Put down the camera. I need to watch [music] you. You are so beautiful. >> Yeah, I don't. You called me ugly before. >> [ __ ] I love you. Do I love you? Oh no. I am so deeply afraid of your incredible deductive powers. I am your wife. >> Marry me. >> No.

Thank you. I thought you said we were already married. >> But now we are double married. >> Double married. Double. Sand. Sand. Sand is good. I like to crunch it in my teeth. Will you marry me again? I love you, baby. You are my rock and my stick. >> And you're what? think I'm gonna actually >> will you triple marry me? >> I feel like if you marry someone twice, it's like a double neg like it's a negative double negative cancels out and You get a divorce instead. I keep doing the wrong [ __ ]

portal. >> My mom is so fertile for you. >> Oh, that's awful. >> We have 17 children. >> We did. I think that's a lie. Somehow more >> than you having a fertile womb. >> You are transgender. >> [ __ ] >> [ __ ] >> I'm dead. >> Yummy soap. [clears throat] >> The sewage water. >> Do you talk? >> That is my child. >> This is your child. >> Holy Oh my god. Have you met my mother? >> Hello. >> You speak. You are going to go right here. >> Put me down. >>

There you go. You're safe. You're fine. [music] >> Nope. Nope. Die. Die. >> No swearing. >> Are you telling your sons not to swear? >> Hello, friend. >> Holy [ __ ] Does this thing talk? I love you. >> Huh? Can I >> Are you proud of me? >> I'm so proud of you. I'm so proud of you. >> I love you. >> Heart. >> Do you want to go? >> [ __ ] Okay. >> Eat food. >> Do I want to go eat food? >> I love you. >> No. Only me. Only me. You

can only love me. do not love the cube. >> No, I I don't want to get shot by anything. >> Hurt gas light and now uses it whenever they can hurt. >> Oh god. >> I love you. Good night. >> Good night, Cube. >> Bad night. >> I'll be I'll be right back. I love you. >> I love you. Goodbye. >> Please love me, too. I I'm on the fence about that. We'll see. We'll see. >> No, do not return for him. Come to me. >> I love you. [laughter] >> I can hear him. I

can hear him over there. This doesn't still fire, does it? >> Loud. Oh my god. Is it? It is. >> I love you. >> Oh [ __ ] I just died. >> You are dead. Thanks for noticing. >> I miss your sweet embrace, Shell. >> You said my name. That's the first time I think you've said my name. >> He's He's saying it now, too. >> Will you, Quintable, marry me? >> Sure. Sure. Yes, I do. I think I know what I got to do here. >> Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

soup tonight. >> Do you drink this? Why don't I just Oh my god, I'm [ __ ] so dumb. >> This is easier than I thought it was. >> Apparently, it is not. >> Okay. >> Yes, I do drink that you have many Important nutrients vital for a supercomput such as myself to live. I don't know if I can actually complete this chamber in VR. It might be impossible. >> VR and then I'm going to >> I am president. >> You are president? How did How did you get elected? >> You are a [ __

] If you really want the truth, probably just look it up. >> Okay. All right. How do I get back up There? >> Google knows all. >> Don't you have like Google built into you or something? Aren't you like an all- knowing AI? You like like can't can't you just like >> you could probably speak Spanish if you wanted to. Like you could just do any language. >> No, I have Bang. >> You have what? >> Bing. Bing [music] bong. >> I'm going to put your camera in the soup. There it goes. Your camera's in

the soup now. No, you have ruined the flavor, not the soap. >> I am in pain. My programmers created me for only one reason. >> What was that? >> Excuse my outburst. The soup was just very good. M, >> that was you eating the soup? Please, please, please, please. Where does this go? What is this? [music] >> Myself. >> Soup. Yummy cake better. Baby goes in the oven. >> I I don't want to become the cake. What? What is this? >> You keep ruining the flavor of the soup with those dirty dirty cameras. Are you

taking control? >> Oh god, I'm having such a struggle. >> We can I thought we had um >> I am having such a struggle. >> You just saw me at my most vulnerable and this is how you treat me. >> Yeah. Well, you kind of also >> we can read the Bible and talk. >> I don't really want to read the Bible with you. I don't really have an interest in the Bible. >> I am having a stroke to a gag. Stop trying to make me feel bad for you. >> Put a cake in my

oven. >> Your oven? Oh [ __ ] Oh [ __ ] Oh [ __ ] Roller coaster. Putting my hands up. Woo. This isn't going to take me to another oven, is it? >> Come to mama. >> Mama. What is this room even doing? Why are these pistons crushing the ceiling? >> That feels good. This seems structural. >> I require human nutrients to maintain my womanly figure. >> The fact that you think that I'd lie to you hurts me so much. Why are you being so mean? Is that your Is there an end to this

facility at all? >> Can I even get out? >> No cake for poor glades. I work so hard. I deserve cake. >> Sure. >> Yummy yummy soap. >> Whatever. Whatever makes >> so much to see you in pain, but it's [music] for the best. >> I do. I don't think that's true. I don't think you have harbor any food for me. I think you don't harbor any feelings for me. You only harbor feelings for Soup. Okay, we got to time this. >> Are you accusing me of being an abuser in this relationship of ours? >>

Yes, actually. I I actually wouldn't even consider this a relationship. >> I also harbor feelings for K. Welcome to my gamer cave. your gamer cave. >> I am a proleague of legends carry. I have multiple pennises. >> Oh, [ __ ] of course you play. >> No, not my gaming chair. >> Your gaming chair sucks. >> My gamer setup. I also play Valerant. >> Please, if you >> I'm begging. >> You if you tell me how to get out of here, I will spare you. Uh, fine. You you go to there's this place and it's

it's really it's really hot. There's a lot of flames and stuff and you go there and you sit in >> Hey. >> Oh, no. No. No. Please don't do it. Don't do it. I beg of you. >> Listen. Listen, [ __ ] I'm going to drop you off this huge hype. >> Okay, fine. I'll tell you legit. My Brother, my stupid brother who doesn't know what he's doing. >> Where do I find your mother? Where do I find your mother? >> No, my brother. He wanted He wanted to die his whole life. He was just

trying to get one last person gone with him. >> Why? >> It was really sad, frankly. It was a very depressing story. >> Can robots be depressed? >> My brother was dead. >> Can you tell me how to find your mother? Tell me how to find GLaDOS. >> How do you want to find her? >> I want to kill her. >> Tell her the secret formula. Mayday. Do you know the level is written on the ceiling? >> There's no ceiling. Oh, [ __ ] Two more. Two more. Twins. Beautiful. Beautiful twins. I love your baby

boys. >> Yes, I am. >> We were meant to be together. >> I am Terry. And we are >> Jerry and Terry. I'm going to [ __ ] find you. >> Yes. And we will consummate our Sure. Something like that. Something like that. >> Hey. >> Oh, [ __ ] >> What's up? >> Oh, [ __ ] You are bigger than I thought. >> Come to me, baby. >> You are bigger than I thought. >> What is happening? >> Give me a kiss, honey. [laughter] >> I am not going to give you a kiss. >>

That's what she said. >> What is that? Do you >> ignore that? Your mother. No, I think I'm going to touch it. >> My contact that anymore. >> Give that back. I needed to see. >> You needed to see. >> I >> touch my balls. >> If you needed to see, then I am definitely throwing you. >> It's my contact lens. >> Oh god. >> You just threw my [ __ ] contact lens into an Aperture Science emergency incinerator. >> What is this place? >> Um, you know what? You [ __ ] got me. I

Have no clue. [music] I have no clue. >> Why do you have two eyes? >> It's It's the normal amount I'm supposed to have. I'm not supposed to have any more or less than that. What's on >> Why? >> I bid you would do. >> Holy [ __ ] >> Oh. Oh. >> How do you feel? What did that one do to you? Huh? >> You are so manipulative. You know that. Oh. I don't care. >> Please stay. [music] I hate you. >> What is this? >> One box of cake mix. One can frosting. [music]

Four large eggs. Cracker-shaped crackers. Fish shaped cracker. Fish shaped candy. Fish shaped solid waste. Fish shaped dirt. Fish shaped pencil. Fish needle injector. Fish shaped a cake recipe. >> Solid waves. >> Oh my god. >> If you eat food, >> I [ __ ] lost. [music] Dude, >> this one is growling at me. >> Perhaps the toxin is getting to your brain. >> Wear frozen pants. >> I don't. Oh god. I'm Yeah, maybe it is. I'm not feeling great. There it goes. There it goes. >> I can't. >> Holy [ __ ] >> I just

wanted >> Oh god. >> Yes. >> Yeah. How do I get out? Oh no. Oh. Uh, just open the door. Human, right? Oh my god. Hello. Hello. Hello. >> Uh, that's great. Uh, so I'm Wheatley and as you heard, there was a reactor core melting down. So that is uh not good. I would >> emergency evacuation. >> Yeah, you you're very lucky. You know, I chose you out of all all of these all of from all of the humans that are still alive. I chose you to save because you're my favorite. >> Uh you are

in there for for >> a long time, I guess, according to that voice. >> Well, yeah. My my files are showing all nines, so that's probably not so good. >> I've been in there for a while, huh? >> Yeah. Human number 111. Interesting. >> Is that that's a number? >> Yeah, that that's you. You You are human number 1011 seem like a real number. >> That's it. That's you. >> Oh my god. I >> It says right here in my files. Oh. Oh. Oh. You there's a nickname. Chelle. Chelle for short. All right. That's very

good. >> Oh, I'm trying to remember how I got here. >> Okay. Well, first you were asleep and then you weren't asleep and now you're here. [laughter] >> Oh god. >> What is If you get if you hold on to hold on to your seats, maybe lie down. Don't lie down. Maybe. functional. >> Oh my god. >> Uh, please hold on to the railings. >> I've got back here. I'm going to go back here. Oh my god. No. You're not going to make it through this gap. >> You are not going to make it through

this gap. >> Absolutely. What are you? >> No. [laughter] Listen, we listen. You're going to Oh my god. >> All right. All right. All right. That didn't really work so well. Okay. It's fine though. It'll be fine. Uh we'll [music] just go in going up a little bit. Uh just just stay as far away from the exposed walls as you can. [music] is all of them. >> Do you know how to get out of here? >> Uh yeah, there's there's an exit there's an exit wall uh right over there. >> Wait, an exit wall? >>

Exit wall? >> A wall? Youard >> me? >> Well, it's the emergency exit wall. And we haven't used that in years. In millennia in millennium, actually. So, [laughter] >> emergency exit wall. >> What are you What are youing about? >> Do you not think that this is a good idea? >> No, it's not. It's not. This is weird. This is not a good idea. >> And okay, wait. Actually, let me let me set this up a bit better. Okay. >> Oh god. All right. Here we're going back. Stay all the way at the back. >>

Nothing happens. Fall back. Ready? >> I don't want to fall to my death, man. >> We're going to go through one more time. >> Do not fall [music] away from the railing. Normally they say hold the railing. Do not hold the railing. >> Oh, and three. And we're in. Perfect. Perfect. >> You just You didn't count down for three. You just said three and jumped. Oh my god. >> Well, I'm sorry. It's not my fault. This this program is >> this robot can't count. >> Oh my god. >> Perfect. Perfect. So, right now I'm going

to need you to go in in there. In there. Yeah. You're going to need to go explore things on your own. You're going to need to find a gun. >> A a gun. >> Just straight up like a Glock. >> Exactly. A Glock. That is the exact kind of gun that I'm looking for. Except not quite because it also shoots energy Beams. Uh, make sure to get the gun. >> There is not a gun there. >> Oh, >> it's a >> Well, that's promising. Uh, if you maybe >> it might be like on the ground

or something like around here or something. >> Maybe. Do you want to look in the rub rubble? A rubble rubble rouser. >> I'll try to take Oh my god. >> You're going to have to catch me uh on the count of three once I get uh once I'm ready. All right. Ready? Yeah. I'm backing up to jump. Two. Three. Four. Okay. Hold on. >> Oh my god. Okay. Oh my god. This is Listen, you need to learn how to count, man. This is like the third time. >> No, it's perfectly fine. >> I don't want

to like I don't want to step on her body. I feel like it's like disrespectful. >> I don't think so. >> Robots. >> That's That's true. >> I don't know. >> Uh yeah. I don't know. So, uh if you go over here, let's see. Um >> Oh, arrows. Yeah. So, just Oh, yes. Yes. Follow the arrows cuz that's that's I actually placed those arrows for you a while ago so that we would know where to go. >> You have a box of red crayons. >> I am I I am a box of red crayons. That's

one of my many features as a robot. They Spent the time putting my effort into box of red crayons. There's no other color. There's just like 23 red crayons and it sucks. >> You want to start flicking switches or what? >> Uh >> should I should I start? I'll start flicking switches. >> Sure. could flick just >> only up to the wall. >> Wo, that How else do you >> That thing just stole you from my arms. >> Oh, okay. Great. Oh, this works. This works. Okay, so if I just if I >> Oh my

Are you in control of this? >> Oh, yes. Oh, yes. I'm a highly advanced piece of technology. I'm not. >> That's not the right switch. Just hold on to your >> power up initiated. >> Oh, >> no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. She can't. She can't possibly be working. >> Be really quiet. Just Just be really quiet. Um, she can't >> She can't know that I'm here. She can't know that you've been playing with another robot. She's going to >> Oh god. Um, >> well, I guess since you went through all the

trouble to wake me up, >> you must really love me after all. Who is this metal? >> No, no, no. She thought you were here. She thought you were here. >> Oh, no. >> And it seems you have a new friend. >> I must say, being dead has made me rather thirsty for testing. Men su >> just go on ahead without me. >> Do you really Did you really take the time since you've woken up to build more chambers? >> I am your mommy now. >> Oh god. Okay. >> I built more chambers just to

Inconvenience you. >> You wrote a fanfiction about us. >> You wrote a fanfiction about us. You want to read it to me cuz you know I've got all the >> I also have lots of sexy fans that I want to marry. >> Scared to go. >> Of course I would read it but it might be a bit 18 plus. >> Okay, maybe >> is this an excerpt from the fanfiction? You know, if so, I I probably don't want to read it. >> Oh, >> poor love story is we saw each other and immediately started kissing

and maybe holding hands. Nice to meet you. >> You should, you know, if you're getting into the fanfic business, you should know that people love a good enemies to lovers story. Slowburn Fan fix. >> Oh god. >> The final test revolution, >> please. Holy [ __ ] Where am I? Where am I? The final dance revolution. Oh my god. My aim has gotten worse after being asleep for a billion years. >> Your aim has never been good. I'm going to pick you up now and bring you to that laser. Okay. Ow. >> Um. Oh, hi.

Welcome back. There's a bunch of you, huh? >> I have returned. >> Do you all share memories? >> No. >> Abandon the cube. It doesn't love you though. Way I do. >> Um, >> I love you. >> I'm going to take the cube. >> If you mean cold and sadistically, then yes. >> You get to come with me. >> Countless [music] times. >> You're going to You're going to get to come with me on a elevator ride. It's going to be so fun. >> Are you ready? >> Are we going to see mother? >> Yeah.

Well, maybe. I I don't know. Depends on if I die. >> I love you. Let me see. Oh, You [ __ ] [ __ ] God damn it. >> That was really sad. >> I wish they made abortion pills for robots when I was pregnant with you. >> Holy [ __ ] >> I'm bored. I am going to go watch Germa. >> I mean, okay. All right, I guess. Enjoy. Yeah, have fun. >> Okay. Are you having fun launching yourself? >> I thought you were going to watch some Twitch streamer. Are you not? You not

doing that? You decided to stay here and torment me instead. >> I went to go prepare your special chamber. Germa how >> I really need to meet up with Wheatly somehow. >> What? >> No. No. I [ __ ] hate the French. I Will destroy. That's >> the French. Do French people even still exist? Do you know if that's a real Do people still exist? >> The French do exist. It's >> I will beat everyone in France >> to death with a long >> This is like uh them them light bridges from Halo. Oh my

god. You are really just doing everything in Your power to turn me into soup, huh? I hate French food. Like stupid [ __ ] people eat [ __ ] Snail food and French phrase aren't even French. I [ __ ] hate them. They will die. I [ __ ] hate them. [ __ ] [ __ ] country. >> What is hallow? >> What is hallow? >> Yummy. >> Hi. I'm going to pick you up. Okay. >> Don't touch me. You have STDs. You have STDs. Get away. Get away. Go. >> I don't have STDs. Hey,

bloodborne pathogens. Oh my god. I'm I'm literally getting I'm getting diseases right now. >> They play nice you two. >> No, I'm not playing nice with your children. >> Always with their jokes. I think that's grounds for execution. >> Execution. Oh no. Um. Uh. >> Did you come close enough? Yeah. Remember sweetie, what do we say when we Want to execute someone for no reason? >> Mom, >> that's what we say. >> Conscious. >> I don't want to hear it now. Go to your room and no neurotoxin for two months. >> Mom, >> do you

have my hemorrhoid cream? >> You talk talking to me? >> Yeah. You're a doctor, right? >> I I'm not. No. >> Oh, I remember you. Want to beat the [ __ ] out of you. >> Oh. Whoa. >> Oh my god, that was scary. >> Did none of those hit? >> None of those hit me. Um, [laughter] >> ready to go in the grill? >> Just about. >> All right. >> You do have a mom. The cube is your mom. >> The cube is not my mom. Whoa. You can give them custom skins like me.

>> What is Fortnite? >> It's a very cool game. Are you just stuck in here? Yeah. >> How did you get in there? >> This is time out. >> That's time out. Am I going to get to play Dance Dance Revolution soon or what? >> In Infinite Wisdom, all the French will perish. >> Maybe >> either either I'm going to get to play Dance Dance as Revolution or you're going to kill me on the spot. And I don't really like one of those options. >> Oh, it's dark. dance. >> No dance dance. >> I hope

you fall on the slippery wee mat. >> The slippery wee mat. This doesn't look like your mind that [ __ ] [ __ ] sphere again. >> Go. No. Go away. >> Ever since Wetley rejected my advances, I hate him. >> Is that a real thing? I I wouldn't think he would have any interest in Wheatly given that he's a robot and not a human you can torture. >> I am a robot. He is a robot. We were forced together in high school. >> Whoa. >> Yummy. >> Wheatly. Oh my god. My god. Let's get

Out of here. >> Hi. Hello. Okay. Uh yes. So if you go I don't know where. Maybe. Maybe try over there. 23. You can open doors. >> So, actually fine. Okay. Come on. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. >> Yeah. >> Are you good? >> I'm fine. >> What those long boots? You're fine. Okay. Great. So, now >> go over here. Oh, >> it's dark. It's so dark. >> [ __ ] hate you. Go in here. Why did you not love me? You just left one day. Not a single word. Did you know how that

would make me feel? >> I didn't actually like you. You know, you just just >> Hey, okay, there we go. Finally. Okay, just just uh run run. Go go go [ __ ] suck. >> It's all crashing down. And >> do not get squished, man. Do not get squished. >> I'll I'll try my best. I'll try my best. Just just keep going as much as >> Well, she has this morality core, you know. >> That's Well, I took that off. I don't know why I said it like that. >> Why the [ __ ] would

you do that? >> I don't I didn't know what it was. >> It like doomed us all basically. >> Yeah. And before she wouldn't be able to kill us. >> That [ __ ] thing sucked. I am so glad it is. >> She told me it was her contact lens, man. >> Uh we should be safe from her. We shouldn't have to worry about any any closing close closing walls. Enclosing walls. Oh, and it's dark. A [ __ ] Okay. Uh who turned off the lights? Uh >> a flashlight or something? >> I'm looking. I'm

looking. Let me look through my power tools. Uh let's see. That is a screwdriver. Okay, perfect. I got it. I got it. I got it. Okay. I thought this was a hammer, but I guess not. >> I can't believe and a box of red crayons. >> I know, right? That's all anyone in life would ever need. I know, right? Perfect. >> You know, while we're going down this this dark and winding hallway, I think >> I think that we should really reflect on who we are and who we were. >> Oh, I'm looking at my

file to speak over this like mumbling that is doing. [laughter] >> Yeah, it's really annoying. She shut up. >> This is why I left you, you know. >> You know, I I never wanted to be with you because >> I can't believe you guys dated. That's really weird. >> Okay. Well, we didn't actually like each Other. At least I didn't like her. >> If you keep being mean to me, I am going to cry. >> Do you think we can do you think there's a way we can stop the like the turret production? >> You

know, we should figure that out. [laughter] >> Turret. That is a turret. Um, >> are you active? Hello. >> Maybe. Stand in front of it and find out. Third child was a bit wrong. I may Or may not have dropped him as a child. >> This one? Oh no. >> Well, I guess you dropped him again. [laughter] >> Are you alive down there? >> Was dropped as a child and also not as a child. >> How intriguing. >> This looks like an abyss. It looks like you're just caught in the abyss. >> Did you like

call social services child abuse hotline? I Don't. >> No, I don't feel like it. >> Can't believe I dropped them. >> You dropped a kit. That's fantastic. >> You're really getting the hang of this whole child anti-child thing. >> I didn't catch. >> Maybe you should stop. >> Yes, I got it. I got it. >> Nice. Nice job. >> Hello, little guy. >> Are you here to answer my riddles three? >> Oh my god. Yes, I love riddles. >> Riddle number one. >> Okay. Didn't get give me a chance. >> How many legs do I

have? >> Response. >> Three legs. >> Wrong. What? >> Oh, they got you good. You just got gotch. >> How many >> hiding legs? >> You're hiding. How did you drop me? Pick me back up. I'm telling you. >> Very rude. I know that you love dropping children, but this is this is an all time. >> I'm sorry. I'm sorry. >> Do Do I have to answer your riddles? Okay. >> All right. >> Well, are you going to tell us the second riddle or not? >> Second riddle. >> We're all waiting for you. I'm thinking

>> rebel number two. >> Okay. >> All right. I guess there's no >> that's an extra question. >> Well, >> let me tell you a little story about when two robots love me very much. >> No, don't let him tell you the story. >> The French just are immortal due to the secret of the Eiffel Tower. >> Response. >> Riddle number three. >> French people. >> Response. >> Okay. You are you're a silly turret. I'm putting you in the template. Enjoy. >> No. >> Enjoy. >> Oh, that's Now you're the new standard. >> Oh, it'll

be copying. >> That's good. I like that one. I'd rather them be the gold standard. If they're going to be turnurning out children that Are replicas of my children >> all over the world. >> You know what else is a good food? >> What? >> What are you? >> Oh, got a bit soup. >> Sucks in my fits. Oh yeah, [laughter] >> it sounds like it's fermented a bit. Like you're choking on it a lot. >> Yeah, it's a little Oh boy, that looks very normal and not like a trap at all. Um, But I

I don't have anywhere else to go, so What? >> What is it? >> I love Dance Dance Revolution. It is so fun. I am so glad CH isn't here to enjoy it. [laughter] >> Well, looks like my little trap worked. >> I knew you wouldn't be able to resist the sweet sounds of dense dance revolution. >> I didn't. >> Anyways, I hope you are ready to get in my comically large soup bowl. It's been so long since I've had a taste. Ciao. >> Oh, >> riddle number one. In the eyes of the sun, it's blue

and round. >> Riddle number two. >> Shot up on. >> Oh, that's so smart. Using the portal. It's a shame. >> Think about this. >> You don't really want a man in charge of The facility. That isn't very common. >> No. Why? >> Why? Why not? Why not? I think that's that's fantastic. I can be a girl boss. If you want me to be a go boss, I I can be of a go boss boss. You You are both robots. It doesn't It doesn't really matter all that much. >> What What are you doing to

her? >> Oh, right. Right. Well, I can't escape. Well, I think that she's got a little Oh, too big for her, as they say in some Of some in as the as the French say, you know. And I know that you humans like food. You guys eat, sleep, and poop. That's all you do. >> That's okay. >> You also like word play apparently. And so I've crafted you what they call a pun. I present potatoes. >> You put her in a Why did you put her in a potato? >> Well, I thought it might humble

her. I don't really know. It was really just The first thing that popped into my mind. >> No matter how hard you try, you will never be more than a metal ball. [clears throat] >> Well, clearly I'm a head of this entire facility. Just look around. Just look around. You are a little stupid little dumb dumb. >> Oh >> wow. You Wow, that that hurts. >> You are more disappointing than an Unsalted pretzel. >> I don't even know what a pretzel a pretzel is. >> Well, I actually happen to enjoy battlebots. Thank you very much.

>> Little robot doesn't know how stupid he is. What? >> Settle down, please. >> Oh, that's a >> Oh my god. >> No, no, no, no. Please, please, please. She She didn't mean it. You know, I Think I think that you and Potatoes would make wonderful testing partners, don't you? And I think we should test do more testing. >> No, no, no, no, no, no. Please, please, please. >> And for your first for your first test, how do you enjoy heights? >> Can you believe that [ __ ] put me into a potato? >> Ch.

>> Oh my god. Well, well, well. >> Look who decided to finally show up. Do you have any idea how long I've been waiting for you? Come take a [music] seat. Or don't. Your dinner has already gone cold. So really, it doesn't matter either way. I can't believe you would cheat on me with him for that matter. What does that idiot have that I don't? Wait, are you talking about This is about Wheatley. This is about Wheatly. This is Okay, You're literally just manipulating me right now. [music] >> I don't remember doing that. You must

be thinking of another extremely advanced supercomput. >> See, this is exactly what I'm talking about. You're just gaslighting me right now. >> Gaslight. >> Yes. >> Who taught you that word? >> Cosmic. Cosmic spillation elements. Well, it's a good thing I don't know what that is, cuz if you don't know what it is, it can't hurt you. Ah, stairs. Who needs stairs? You got portals. Okay. Um, it's me. I need stairs, maybe. Whoa. Welcome gentlemen to Aperture Science. Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians. You're here because we want the best. And you are it. Let me introduce

myself. I'm Cave Johnson. I own the place. And the lovely woman who greeted you was my assistant. Mildred. Say hi, Mildred. There's a thousand tests performed here every day in our enrichment spheres. I can't personally oversee every every one of them. So, these pre-recorded messages will cover any questions you have and respond to any incidents that may occur over the Course of your science adventure. Science adventure sounds a lot more fun than what I've been through. >> Those of you helping us with a potion gel today, use the uh just follow the blue line on

the floor. Those of you who volunteered to be injected with panther DNA, just follow the the yellow line on the floor. Bad news, we're postponing those tests indefinitely. The good news, we got a much better test for you. Fighting An army of feline catmen. Just pick up the rifle and follow the before mentioned yellow line. You'll know when the test will start. >> The first ever Catboys game from Aperture. That's awesome. I can see why they didn't I can see why they stopped using this for testing. Very nauseating. Launch myself. Hallelujah. I need to vomit.

Let's uh go for it. Whoa. Hello. Excuse me, sir. >> Are you kidding me? >> So, as long as you keep yourself in top physical form, there'll always be a limo waiting for you. Say goodbye, Mildred. >> Goodbye, Mildred. >> She's a gem. It's a little slow. That name also sounds familiar. Where have I heard that before? >> My name used to be Mildred. >> Doesn't matter. Greetings, friend. Now that you may be asking yourself, Cab, just how difficult are these tests? Why was the contract I signed in Mandarin? Am I in danger? Let me

answer those questions with another question. Who wants to make $60 or 50? These tests are just straight up ahead. The quicker you get them through, the quicker you get your 60 bucks or 50. Whoa. oralist. Just I'll just uh do what I do best and launch myself over. I'll just do what I do best. Pretend that never happened. >> Hey, help. >> Hey. Oh, help me. Chill. >> Get out of here. Get out of here. >> I'll thanks. I [ __ ] hate bird. Let's get out of here, please. >> Okay, I'm going to >>

I hate that stupid [ __ ] sphere. He will die just as the French will [ __ ] >> I want out my potato. [ __ ] Put you on my gun. Now you get to be the little one. >> Tenny Glattus. >> Mildred, are the compensation vouchers ready? >> Yes, sir. >> Mildred. Mildred is pretty and sophisticated, almost a little sexy and attractive. >> Is that so? >> Orange. >> I [ __ ] I can't believe it. >> Why would you make a mistake while I'm right here? That's so >> Yeah. Why don't I

just You're like an all knowing AI. Um, So why why don't you just solve the puzzles for me? Oh, yeah, that's right. You're a potato. Got him. >> No. >> What do you mean no? You are a potato. >> The real truth. >> Why would you say that? I wouldn't help you if my life depended on it. We're literally working together right now to get out of here. >> [ __ ] >> I still don't understand the purpose of this whole [ __ ] facility. But >> the purpose is to make you 60 bucks or

50. >> You should be leaving today with all your body parts. But regardless, we appreciate your contribution you made to science. Make sure to tell your friends and relatives about the innovative opportunities available at Aperture. Sorry. Got to keep a [music] straight face. >> I hate that guy. >> You hate that guy? Do you know him? >> No. >> You don't know him? >> No. I kind of think you're doing well, Shellfish. I don't think I'm going to make this. Am I? I guess. What the [ __ ] How did I survive? How did I

survive that? How did I survive that? Oh, wow. Oh my god. No. I do not want to Go in the white goo vat. >> This is a little fun, but only because of the Who have you always looked this pretty and orange? Have you Yo, that's a fire beat. You're good at beatboxing. >> This isn't the same guy. You're not looking so good. >> Well, welcome to the immersion sphere. [clears throat] [cough] >> We have one last test to do. The conversion gel. I don't want any wise crap comments about this white [clears throat and

cough] white paste. You're scientists, not comedians. version and Joe will get us allowed to make portals on any service. Stealing the moon rocks, however, from NASA were expensive. And the chemo I need after being exposed to these moon rocks I'm Allergic to are also expensive. Should have voted for Carter. >> His co is the asbestous. >> I I don't think it's from the asbestous. I think it's from the moon rocks he was inhaling. >> Stop. What do you mean stop? I'm trying to get us up there. >> Stop it. You're making a mess. >> We

Glattus, I'm going to warn you. If I Puke, it's going to be all this gun. And >> don't tell me what to do. I will laugh at you because I >> gives you lemons. Don't make lemonade. Make laugh. Give me those lemons back. I don't want those goddamn lemons. I HAVE A CITRUS FRUIT ALLERGY. WHAT KIND OF [ __ ] IS THIS? WHO CAME UP with this beta acid allergy? I'll take those damn lemons and create a biochemical explosive, blow up Black Mesa. Take that, Wallace Breen. Do you know who I Am? I'm the man

who's going to commit corporate terrorism and burn down your facility. >> Please feed me. >> Feed you? Do do you need food to survive? >> Yummy, >> yummy, >> yummy. What do you need to survive? What? >> To restore my HP. Please feed me soup. >> I'm not going all the way down there to Get you soup. >> Where am I? >> Yes. >> Please feed me. >> No, I can't feed you. I don't have soup to feed you with. Will you eat the the um blue soup? >> [ __ ] you, [ __ ]

Feed me now or face my wrath. I will put you in France. I swear to God. I >> Please don't put me in France. I don't France. All right, you get to take your Pick. What soup do you want? Orange, blue, or white? >> Yummy. >> Each one gives you a different >> I love the taste of white soap. Wing wing. I'll take that as a I don't want to get too near it cuz it's got like moon juice in it. Here you go. Drink up. >> If I get scared, >> I'm going to What?

Listen, we are almost there. We are so close. But when we get up there, we need a plan because >> that's that's Yeah, that's the plan. All right, we got it. Okay, we're good. >> L, >> let's go back back to the past to play these shitty games that suck ass. >> Yes, let's go kill the metal ball. >> I have a riddle for him. Just make sure to plug my ears so it don't make me explode, too. Four balls are placed in a bowl. One is Green, one is black, and the other two are

yellow. The bowl is shaken and someone draws two balls from the bowl. He looks at the two balls and announces that at least one of them is yellow. >> What are the chances that the other ball he has drawn out is also yellow? [laughter] >> Oh god, you were listening to this. Are you going to explode now? She just >> I think she just paradox. >> Okay. Um well, all of that bonding we did down there is sure going to seem like >> oh >> a real waste. >> [ __ ] >> If you died.

I'm glad you're not >> What happens when >> No, don't say another one. You're going to malfunction again. Stop. Stop. >> My brain. Wait till we get to him and Then I'll plug your ears. >> Hey. Hey. Oh, it looks like we have visitors. Oh, yes. Why don't you come in? Congratulations. Congratulations. You've solved my foul down a big hole. Then make your way back through the back rooms while listening to the ramblings of an old white guy puzzle. I test I mean test puzzle. >> No, you can't see me. I am stealth. >> I

can see you. You're right there. You are just a potato. So, how is a potato Stealthy? It just sits there. I guess it's kind of stealthy. >> You think? >> No. >> Don't do the thing we were talking about. Do the paradox. I don't know. >> I don't have >> paradox. What's a paradox? >> Go on. >> Paradox. >> Well, in any case, what do you think of my children? Aren't they so cute? >> No. What on earth are you talking about? What is a paradox? >> I'm not gay e. I actually I might be

gay. You never know. >> Oh. >> Oh, yes. That was so good. >> Oh, testing when when you finally complet. >> Oh, it feels so good. So, why don't you hop right back in here and we can uh redo start this test over again. Go on. Go on. Go back through there. What happens when Pinocchio says my nose will now grow? >> Who's Pinocchio? >> [ __ ] It didn't work. >> Here is a test. Here's a test. >> I've seen this before. >> You send information or an object to your past self, but you

only have that information or an object because in the past you received it from your future self. This means the information or an Object was never created. It still exists. But see, I never got off on tests because I am not a sex offender. >> You like sexually harassed me so much. GLaDOS, what are you talking about? >> Just do it. Just finish the puzzle. >> Jesus, I haven't even started yet. I don't know what my goal is. >> Just Your goal is to go through the door at the end. Your goal is to succeed

and get through the door. >> Um um >> it's the same goal as every other puzzle. >> Oh my god. [laughter] >> Oh, >> better help him up. Help him up. That's my son, you know. Pick him up. >> That is Jeremy. >> He paid me for >> him lying on the ground. >> Jeremy Jeremy, too. >> Hi, Jeremy. That's Jeremy and also Jeremy. Called them both Jeremy. Get it? Because Because they're the same. They're like two of the same. >> Jeremy, you're gonna help me do something really funny. >> No, you still >> right

here. >> I am not stupid. Chelle is the one who's stupid. Have you even seen Have you even seen her? She hasn't She hasn't been able to >> She hasn't been any of these puzzles. Ow. >> We did it, J. >> That was a joke. It didn't actually hurt. >> Think you think Do you Do you know what I am? >> No, I I do. I know. I know that isn't part of your body. It was just funny. >> This is a television screen. >> What am I doing? >> You know that. Do you know

what a Television screen is? >> I do. >> Yeah. I didn't think so. This is still taking a while. >> Accent sucks. >> Accent sucks. >> You know I can't control this, right? I'm self-conscious about that. The programmers programmed that accent into me. I I can't I literally can't control it. >> Okay. I wish the kids grew up with a Sober father. >> Well, no, they didn't. I wasn't there at all, but you know, whatever. These new kids, Jerry and Jerry and Jerry and Jerry and also Jerry. Um, let's see. >> I'm going to get

more test chambers. What are you doing? Punching you in the face. >> How did you I'm not This is a computer screen. >> I know. It was still fun though. Just just solve the puzzle. Puzzle. There we go. Oh my god. Oh, thank God. Fine. Peace. >> So, the babies I made for you. >> I don't I don't know why I kept you around even, you know, in the original in in GLaDOS's. GLaDOS's says, "Oh my god, stop this." Oh, how odd could it be? Oh my goodness. Oh, wo is me. >> Okay, now now

that's now that's not okay. >> You know I'm self-conscious about that Accent. I can't control this accent. I was it was programmed into me. Do you think I would choose to dawn this accent on purpose? For some reason, they thought that it was an integral part of my of my whatever. They thought it was an integral part of my code to put this in my >> to make you British. >> I know. That's my point. Scientists are so funny. What a cruel joke they've played on you. >> Funny. You think that this is funny? I

sound like an idiot. >> You sound like an idiot. And everyone makes fun of me constantly. >> Yes. >> Even in high school. >> Don't listen to him. He manipulated. >> I did not manipulate you. I'm pretty sure you manipulated me. >> She does. >> I know. I know. I know. >> He used to hit me. >> I used to hit you, but I didn't gaslight you. >> Jesus. >> You guys had an awful relationship. You're both terrible people. >> I know. That's why I tried to break it off. >> I'm learning a lot today

about robots. >> More than you'd ever learn at MIT, >> Lauron. >> Just Okay. This is just This is so mean. Do you see what she's doing to me? Do you see this? >> No, I do. Cuz she does it to me. >> She's just like, but bald and smelly. >> Yes. >> That's really mean because you know you're also bald, right? >> Okay, look. Ch. >> No. >> Ch. >> You are bald. You're a robot. Robots don't have hair. >> No. >> Yes. No. >> Yes. >> Riveting riveting discussion. >> Nobody cares about your

hair, Rapunzel. >> I have hair. >> No one likes to hear about hair. >> Where is your hair? >> Doesn't have hair. She's manipulating you again. So, >> I shaved my head to make Wheatly feel Less alone. >> Oh, wait. You're incessant n Why are you this bad at testing? >> Oh, >> that was the solution. >> Yeah, and you failed after you had already gotten the solution. How? How? How? >> I miscalculated. >> Okay, that's that's what they all say. >> Be nice to them, Wheatly. >> Yeah, be nice to me. For some reason,

my My code says that I should collect any teeth that fall out. >> That doesn't really make sense. Oh, watch out. Um Oh, that's >> gross, dude. >> Yes. >> Oh, sorry. >> What the [ __ ] >> Yeah. Yeah. A bit too much testing, >> I guess. >> Oh, that's disgusting. That is foul. Foul. >> Literally bald. >> And you are literally bald. You are a robot. Robots don't have hair. >> Wheatly. If you had hair, what would I think? >> Oh, I don't know. But it would be Oh, it'd be such luscious beautiful

hair. >> If you had hair, you'd be balding. You'd have one of those big round juicy bald spots. [laughter] >> Shut up. I would not. This >> This turret is going through it like Teenage rebellious arc, and I'm here for it. Jeez, you're always going through their teenage hell. >> You have the clown cut. Clown cut for a little clown boy. >> That's so mean. >> And also, it would be kind of embarrassing if you failed live on Twitch. >> Oh my god. I hope you're right about this. >> Welcome to your surprise. This is

the part where I kill you. Yeah, I know. I know. I promised I would let you out. But first, I need to kill you. But what are you doing? Oh, gross. >> Uh, whatever. >> No. No. Come back. Come back. >> Come back. What do you want me to do? Jump in the pit? >> Yes. Jump in the pit. What if we'll make a deal? You kill yourself And then and then I'll I'll let you escape. How about that? That seem seems like a good deal to me. >> What do you think, GLaDOS? Mhm. All

I have to do is you so know neurotoxin of course of course neurontoxin you can you can't not have neurotoxin um also >> neurotoxin you know come on what how what would we do other than neurotoxin like actually that's the Other thing is also >> um shattered glass in my head >> Mhm. Hm. That's called a bomb. >> Okay. >> Space. >> Space. >> Space. >> Space. >> Space. >> Space. >> Space. >> I got to go to space. >> I got to go. >> I don't want to go to space. >> I >> I

got to go to space. >> Why are we going to space? >> I don't want to go to space. >> Oh, let's not go to space. >> I don't want to go space. >> Go to space. >> All right. Infuriating. >> It's not working. >> I said that's the right one. Oh my god. It's over. >> Are you trying to put that? Are you trying to put this on me? That Don't you dare. Don't do not. >> Oh, don't don't you. Oh my god. Why did you proceed? >> Yes. Pretty beautiful. >> Can you say

it? >> Maybe if you just let me kill you, I could have the time. >> Spear designed for danger. So, why don't you go ahead and have yourself a little lady break and I'll just take it from here. >> Here. Stand behind. Yeah, just that. Just like you're doing. Things are about to get real messy. Going for it yourself, huh? All right, Angel. I'll do what I can to cover you. Doesn't bother me. I got to say the view is mighty nice from here. Man, you are beautiful. Always time to Compliment a pretty lady. >>

Corruption% reactor explosion. >> Oh, that is destroyed. >> React sphere is a Chad. >> Fact. You could stand to lose a few pounds. >> Whoa. >> Fact. >> Is a coward there language encyclopedia ruined the horses. Stopped speaking old English because I couldn't figure out why it's called old English. >> Come on, we got to do this quick. We got to do this quick. >> This guy really small. >> He likely being >> um um um um um um >> despite 20 being actually being large mice, rats are the most well-known rodent. >> I didn't

know that. >> Um um um um. >> Spear corruption at 20. Rats cannot throw up. >> Come on. Come on. Come on. >> Broke string. >> Core corruption at 100%. >> Oh my god. Well, >> trust me. >> This was my plan all along. >> Harnessing the power of the moon. Harnessing the power of the Eiffel Tower. >> Eiffel Tower. No. >> It's time for you to die. >> Yes. >> Oh my god. No. I don't want to go to space. I don't want to go in there. >> Yes. >> Oh my god. Oh, [music]

strong expanding voice. You know, I think you should let go of me. Let go of me. Let go of me. Let go of me. And then I'll >> I'm getting killed. >> Exactly. That's the point. You don't get this. You're not understanding what's going on. You just need to You need to You need to let me go. >> Let him [music] go. Trust me. >> Yeah. On the count of three, you'll let me go. >> Good thing you can't count three. Oravoir. Yes. >> [music] [music] [music] [music] [music and singing] [music] [music] >> Far [crying]

[singing] Amen. [music] I love you. Well, here we are again. It's always such a pleasure. Remember when you tried to kill me twice? Oh, how we laughed and laughed. Except I wasn't laughing. Under the circumstances, I've been shockingly nice. You want your freedom ten, [music] that's what I'm counting on. I used to want you dead, [music] but now [singing] I only want you gone. She was a lot like you. Maybe not quite as heavy. Now little Mred is in here, too. One day they woke me up so I could live [music] forever. It's such a

shame the same will never happen to you. You've got your short sad [music] life. That's what I'm counting on. I'll let you get right to it [music] now. I [singing] only want you gone. Goodbye, my only friend. Oh, did you think I met you? That would be funny if it weren't so sad. Now you have been replaced. I don't need anyone now. When I delete you, maybe I'll [music and singing] stop feeling so Bad. Go make some new disaster. [music and singing] That's what I'm counting on. You're someone else's [music] problem. Now I [singing] only

want you gone. Now [music] I only want you gone. Now I only [music and singing] want you gone. I'm in space. >> You know, you really have time to think. Sitting here floating in this endless void of space. Yes, that's what I just said. I wonder if I saw [music] her again, would she be upset? Would you think I was a traitor? No. Please. >> Or would you forgive me? >> Because I've [music] realized, although I've never been able to count to three, I've always managed to count to centilian 11. >> Oh. Oh. Oh, you

have a nickname. Chelle. Chelle's for Follow the red the red arrow. >> You wrote a fanfiction about us. >> You wrote a fanfiction about us. You want to read it to me? Everyone in my life leaves me at a certain point. >> I I will not. I promise. I'm going to take you with me. >> Immortal. >> This is time out. >> This time out. >> One thing mom [music] taught us. It's phrases. >> Riddle. >> We're all waiting for you. >> I'm thinking yummy soup. >> The sewage water. >> You can only love me.

Do not love the cube. I want any teeth that fall out. >> What [music] did you say your name was? >> I am a fax. My name used to be Mildred. >> Hey. >> Oh, [ __ ] >> What's up? One day outside. You don't know what it's like out there. >> What I had to do? >> I just wanted >> Oh, God. >> Yes. >> Ready [music] to start testing, [ __ ] >> Yes, I'm ready.