are you coming to Disney now with us grandma oh darling grandma doesn't do Anaheim well uh you better hit the road try to beat the traffic thanks for dropping by mom come on let's go Jake race you to the car come on bye Grandma bye uncle Charlie bye wait for me I'm going [Music] [Laughter] come on boy come on boy heal heal heal stay now stay oh oh who's a good dog who's a good dog oh yeah oh yeah Hey Jake uh you want to take him whatever come on l oh get ready for bed
I'll be right in to tuck you in happiest place on Earth my snow white [Laughter] [Applause] ass I had a good time oh really which part did you like best the equatorial heat the endless lines or the large German woman that threw up on me in the teacup okay okay maybe things could have gone smoother but tomorrow's going to make up for it Alan you could get us all laid tomorrow it's not going to make up so what do you want to do this weekend it doesn't matter just as long as you and I are
together what did you do that didn't do anything why would you even ask me that I'm guessing he either robbed a liquor store or killed a Drifter do I need to call your mother and ask her if you want to but you know how she pushes your buttons I'll take that chance fine I don't care all right all right I got thrown off the school bus you got the spine of a gummy bear why are we throwing off the bus well actually it's a funny story amuse me have you ever heard of this thing called
mooning yeah yeah it rings a bell the bus was going past the girls track team and a bunch of us thought it'd be funny to Moon him see she gets it Bera sorry I'm just remembering my prom so what happened well I was working near the high school that night and I thought it would be fun to drive the back H not you him well excuse me for sharing what happened well it sounds like B had quite a PR you're skating on thin ice Jake boy that's something we haven't done in a long time Skating
Jake mom grounded me for 2 weeks why didn't your mother tell me about this I promise I'd tell you what can I say she believed me so how about a movie little fatherson bonding no no no movies skating no skating fine also no TV no video games no cell phones and no iPods nothing that gives you any amusement or enjoyment can't you just smack me with a belt and get it over with get out of here I'm bored hey I'm here D it's Jake back from his sleepover look who's here to see you buddy hi
Grandma hello sweetheart thank you for the lovely birthday card my mom picked it up a and you love her don't you sure thank you you can go now can I go too we're not done with you where were we we were trying to figure out why Charlie hates you yeah well Charlie okay fine here it is I'm not saying I hate you but if I did it might have something to do with the fact that you're a narcissistic blood sucker who drove my father into an early grade after which you married a succession of men
who couldn't care less about Allan and me which was is fine with you cuz you looked at us like a couple of dancing monkeys you could just haul out whenever it suited you and when it didn't you sent us off to boarding school or camp or that kots in Israel where we got beat up because we weren't even Jewish and now now you show up here every chance you get to lay a guilt trip on me for not appreciating my cold lonely Loveless childhood well obviously you're not ready to talk about [Laughter] it Hey Jake
what's this a phone message yeah some lady called for you who I can't read your writing you're a big selfish jerk okay I know who this is Amy probably Amy yep Amy she wants you to call her back yeah that'll happen why not cuz I never said I'd call her back remember this Jake never make promises to women that you don't intend to keep and you know how you do that always keep my promises that might work a better way is never make promises what happens if Amy calls again okay I'm glad you ask that
when the phone rings in Uncle Charlie's house we don't just willy-nilly pick up the receiver and answer it no what we do is we check the caller ID and only pick up if we want to talk to that person like Mom it depends your mom yes my mom no how come you don't want to talk to your mom I'll tell you all about that when you're old enough to drink but if I want to talk to your mom okay that kind of attitude is going to break down the whole system so uh I was school
this week okay anything noteworthy happened no I thought you said he got dumped I was easing into it oh good idea go ahead Jake sooner or later every guy gets dumped some guys get dumped sooner and later right Alan sorry I should have eased into [Applause] that my point is you've got nothing to be embarrassed about I'm not embarrassed I'm angry she didn't even tell me why she just sent me an email saying she doesn't want to go out with me anymore maybe she found somebody better what do you mean better who's better than Jake
why no one Alan he's the Pinnacle of male Evolution thank you look buddy I I know exactly how you feel when I was your age I was dating a beautiful girl charity kersen Bal I was crazy about her then the night before Junior Prom she called and dumped me wouldn't even give me a reason I I I was devastated so what' you do what could I do How Can You Mend a Broken Heart how can you stop the rain from falling down you done unless you want to hear Jive talking the thing is Jake that
no matter how bad you feel now eventually it'll pass you just have to be willing to live with the pain no he doesn't yes he does hang on dad what do you mean no I don't when you get dumped you don't sit around feeling sorry for yourself you go out and find another girl a better girl okay but how am I going to get another girl I don't know how I got this one you don't know how you got a girlfriend no it just kind of happened yeah I know how that goes wake up in
the morning and there she is shut up I know that was wrong look Jake who is the cutest girl in in your class Nico Ali okay call Nico Ali and ask her out are you drunk a little but this is a secret that will serve you for the rest of your life the hotter the girl the lonlier she is because most guys are too scared to talk to her really wow why couldn't you have said this 20 years ago come on D I wasn't even born 20 years ago I really shouldn't be giving him advice
that could help him reproduce should I so what's the deal with Uncle Charlie and Chelsea are they like back together or was that just a booty call what do you know about booty calls in theory everything a crap what just a little disappointed I saw Chelsea's car outside I didn't see yours she spent the night but we don't know if they're back together or if they were just scratching the old itch what do you know about the old itch it's intercourse dad why do we play these games good morning all morning morning what come on
give there's nothing to give she came by said she misses me spent the night yay so is she moving back in is the wedding back on or was it just making the Beast with two backs what is wrong with you I'm at an awkward age morning everyone morning morning hey you want coffee actually I have to get home and change for work oh okay can we talk sure oh that's never good how do you know that's what Mom said to you why isn't unle Charlie eating he has to fast before he goes to the doctor's
tomorrow is he okay oh yeah he's just getting a routine test they're taking a look at his intestines how do they do that well what they do is they take a tiny camera and put it on the end of a tube why don't we eat first good idea [Laughter] well I'm happy to report I just saw a piece of Hubba Bubba I swallowed in fifth grade oh for God's sake Charlie we're having dinner don't rub it in speaking of which I'm out of baby wipes I bought you two boxes of baby wipes what can I
tell you babies don't crap like [Laughter] this at least not healthy babies there's a jar of aloe vera under the sink what am I supposed to do with that oh you put a little glob on the end of your finger it's cooling and soothing well good good cuz let me tell you you could roast a marshmallow on my anus you know what be good for dessert s'mores how come I'm not loaded they're supposed to get me loaded before do it right yes they'll hook you up to an IV right before the procedure all right just
so we're all on the same page I want to be stone cold out before anything goes in I'll tell them all I get is a glass of wine and a pretty pleas all right Mr Harper we're ready did you bring the drugs with you oh no sir the anesthesiologist takes care of that good luck thanks by the way since we couldn't make it to Illinois I'm flying my parents and to stay with us for a week what enjoy your colonoscopy lion dirt bag you knew I knew I'll give you $1,000 to push me into the
parking lot how are you feeling like a new fish at lenworth don't be so dramatic good news is you have a clean bill of health yes but I lost my watertight seal yes but you have peace of mind yes but now I can't wear white white at our [Music] wedding yay no PPS where to go Uncle Charlie now you know how it feels thanks for calling ahead there's the happy couple welcome home Charlie you remember my mother Martha and this is my father Tom good to see you again you too nice to finally meet you
Charlie nice to meet you not much of a grip but you're probably a little weak from your anal probe didn't make me stronger you're a great cook Tom well I always say a man's got to be self-sufficient I agree all I need is booze satellite TV and a housekeeper and I could survive in a cave you know if it were air conditioned I got to ask you something Charlie okay I ADM it I slept with your daughter don't worry I'm still going to marry damn straight you are which brings me to my question when a
man gets to be your age and he's never married it's usually for one of two reasons one he's really lucky you're right have funny go on what I'm trying to say is when a man gets to be 40 and he isn't married he's either a rascal or a poof interesting so so what so which one are you uh actually there's a third choice what's that well sometimes it takes a while for a man to meet his soulmate like I finally met your daughter soulmate yep so poof just kidding how are my two favorite fellas doing
we're just fine princess I just cleaned the grill and now I'm giving your bow here a grillin well stick a forking me because I think I'm done sorry honey my dad's always been a little overprotective well I have to be when it comes to men you've always had a rotten picker but no offense I'm sure you're the exception I'm glad you're sure Dad why don't you go see how Mom's doing oh good idea she's jet lagged and still pretty wound up over having a colored pilot can I say Mommy and Daddy are horrible bigots my
parents and I got to love them right you're asking the wrong guy look at him now 42 years together and they're still best friends well let's face it who else would have them good morning everyone morning good morning looks to be a beautiful day slightly overcast but that should burn off in a few hours leaving us with another Sund dappled afternoon in Paradise you still drunk from last night or did you get a fresh Buzz this morning no ma'am I am quite simply high on life blto I am not drunk Allan guess what I did
last night Jake I'm leaving no Jake can hear this last night wait wait wait hang on Charlie you're about to tell us something that happened last night that made you happy yes Jake I'm leaving Jake stay I want to share this with my entire family okay I'm leaving baa I consider you part of my family am I in your will no but neither of the rest of them now listen last last night I Charlie Harper delayed gratification what' you do wait till she fell asleep wait for what Jake I'm leaving sit down what happened last
night is I may have actually started a meaningful relationship Charlie seriously go sleep it off you're embarrassing yourself come on listen to me I think I might be in love with Mia big deal you've always been in love with yua very funny I thought so did you think so it was pretty good yeah he's 11 he still thinks milk milk lemonade is funny oh yeah hello Grandma's here oh great uh tell Mom what you told us Charlie no tell me what nothing do you need a good lawyer no discreet doctor no knockoff Gucci handbag what
there's only so many ways I can help you you dear it's no big deal I've just been seeing this ballet dancer and I think she might be the one drunk he says no I think it might be one of those designer drugs Charlie what did you take I'm serious we've been seeing each other for over a month and we're waiting to sleep together until our relationship has a solid foundation well we can rule out exstasy Ian that's a powerful aphrodes I've heard nowadays you're supposed to say africanamerican Dy Jake are you sure this time yeah
I'm leaving has it occurred to any of you that maybe I've finally matured maybe I'm finally ready to build something with a woman that isn't solely based on sex do that occurred to you Alan nope Vera uhuh so it's not just me I can understand your skepticism I've earned it but this girl is different and I'm going to make it work I give him another week before he's out on the beach humping wet sand Charlie don't be disrespectful thank you mom so how much advertising did you have to buy in exchange for this puff piece
why do you assume that I had to buy advertising is it that hard to believe that a local newspaper might run a cover story about a a a successful local chiropractor well frankly yes unless the local chiropractor shot four people to death in the mini and then turned the weapon on himself you know I get why Charlie has never been able to acknowledge my accomplishments he's a self-centered hedonist who can't get behind anyone unless they're drunk and bent over a pool T that's fair but my own mother you're up refusing to even Fain interests I
did so Fain interest you assumed I I had to buy advertising to get the article well did you neighborhood advertising is a good investment but that is not the point all right dear what is the point the point is that I can't even get a simple at a boy for my own mother oh well I'm sorry out a boy feel better no I do not feel better did I not say it right you know what forget it let's just order eat and get out of here oh uh one more of these and please keep them
coming I'll buy the drinks unless you want to split it with me what the hell is this oh who's here hey dude party down what are you doing we invited a few friends over you don't have any friends yeah but Melissa does so now they're mine too they don't really like you they do too Dream On Me puppet who said you could have a party I'm sorry I thought we lived here must we check with you about everything we do yes what's that guy drinking is that my grape soda it was on our Shelf what'
I tell you okay that's it Charlie no no no no this is not acceptable hey everybody everybody listen up party's over pack up your crap and get out I'm not kidding one I'm count to three by the way two ah screw it I'll leave Charlie forget it I'm out of here see what happens when I do the right thing that was uncomfortable now sand in my urethra is uncomfortable that meal was a freaking disaster I'm going to stay with my family try and calm my mother down a miserable the family hates me don't they not
just you I'll call you later do you believe your future mother-in-law shows up at a fourstar restaurant wearing a tracksuit with the word juicy stretched across her half acre ass I can read mom can we go back I forgot my doggy bag we can never go back Jake oh come on it's not the end of the world easy for you to say you're not marrying Into The Adams Family oh like you were a prize slipping a prenuptual agreement into my fiance's menu I am just trying to protect you from being wiped out by a vindictive
ex-wife who will use your hard-earned money to finance a frivolous life of partying and shopping and unnecessary plastic surgery um Mom every one of my surgeries was necessary and if I had signed a penut you would never have gone to music camp and Allan would have an overbite you could use to open a can of penzo I didn't know Mia's last name was Adams I didn't know her sister is a cop was a cop now she's a dry drunk with a grudge and a 38 well I liked her well that's because she had the same
haircut as you I was a little shocked that her father stuck you with the bill you know why you noticed that because the two of you practically trampled each other trying to get to the men's room when you saw the waiter bringing it I drank a lot of iced tea well I had a very nice time sure you got to inform my bride to be in her entire family that you had sex with me before you had sex with him I was just telling Mia I know how lucky she is nevertheless honey it was not
an appropriate toast juicy pants almost choked to death on her lamb shank well in all fairness the woman was stuffing her face like a musket all I can say is after tonight's little Fiasco I'm going to have to completely rethink the seating chart for the wedding yeah well it won't be that complicated why not because none of you were invited well Mom if you wear an animal print track suit to a nice restaurant people are going to make comments I agree calling you a cougar with arm that was over the line hang on hello Mia
I'll call you back hey where have you been candy called looking for you oh I had to work late oh yeah one of my uh regular patients had a a crisis his name is Roger uh he had a couple of vertebrae pinching a nerve too bad yeah nice guy you'd like him uh he restores old cars well it's actually more of a a hobby than a job he he works at Staples his name is Roger Alan yeah why are you lying to me I don't know I really suck at it you do indeed well don't
you care where I was why would I start now oh come on I I really need to get this off my chest all right go ahead I was with another woman okay okay see that's a good lie no no I I I really was with an woman seriously you're already doing a hot 22-year-old and you're cheating on her yes I am so proud of you what who's the dog my brother's the dog come on dog come on dog how with [Music] me no stop howling and let me explain there's nothing to explain you're sleeping with
two women at the same time you're a big old dog I haven't been sleeping with the other woman I've been seeing Jake's teacher oh all we do is talk oh I I don't know how to explain it we we just we have so much in common I mean she's divorced she has a kid Jake's age she she reads she likes the theater yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah but but you're not sleeping with her why would I sleep with her when I've got candy I don't know cuz you can it's not that kind of a relationship
it's it's it's intellectual so take her to a museum enjoy the exib it's endure in the restroom you're missing the point no no no no you're missing the point if you're not getting laid it's not cheating then why do I feel so guilty well that's easy cuz you're an idiot I guess I guess I just always thought that that one woman was supposed to fulfill all my needs oh that's an old wives tale started to protect the interest of you guessed it old wives so you're saying the whole concept of monogamy is a fraud the
the institution of marriage is a sham no no no I'm just saying bang the teacher oh hi Mom how are you deeply hurt is this about me or Charlie Charlie great come on in can you explain to me how your brother can be in a serious relationship and not only have I not met the woman he hasn't even bothered to tell me her name do you really need an explanation for that you want it to be about you her name's Mia she's in the kitchen thank you thank God I didn't know an Frank that's that's
terrific do you want to hear it again no uh we don't want you to strain your voice do you think I'm going to do okay at the audition well you never know how these things are going to go yeah just hope I have a decent piano player I thought you wer working with him what's the problem okay there's a technical term we musicians use Jake stinks is there anything we can do we can hope stinks suddenly becomes popular but I wouldn't count on it oh by the way you need to buy candy a diamond necklace
what what you told me to cover for you I said you were out buying her jewelry that's all you could think of well I could think of a lot of things but only one made me laugh I I can't afford to buy her jewelry I know that's what makes it funny must have been so expensive yeah you do realize this entitles you to extra special bonuses sex what is extra special bonus sex it's whatever you want it to be that sounds like fun go away okay I just played Scrabble until you're ready give me a
sec please don't tell me Francine is here okay wait wait wait Francine is here yeah you want me to cover for you yes I'm on it wait Charlie I'm begging you no more jewelry don't worry it's not funny twice morning what's good about it I didn't say good hey aren't you studying for your test I thought we settled this dad turn off the TV go to your room and study he'll never learn hey hey I heard that so so I'm an adult I don't have to learn anything what's bugging you Zippy your blow up doll
run off of the pool toy just mind your business and do your job what to rephrase that desperately what do you think looks like pretty standard boilerplate it basically says that once your swim team's off the bus you're no longer the coach all right let's see where do I sign the old John Hancock if you will you sure you want to you're giving up the rights not only to your sperm but to any children that might result from them it I understand do you once you sign Mia can do whatever she wants with it them
she can use it resell it freeze it put put it on eBay I don't care if she uses it to her bathtub once the boys reach escape velocity they're on their own I see it's out of my hands so to speak I got it okay I'll be back in two shakes three if it's cold in there [Laughter] Charlie you okay Charlie what well you've been in there a long time how's it going how do you think it's going well I don't know if this will help um but sometimes when I was married I used to
pretend that I was having sex with a completely different woman oh thanks the image of you bumping uglies with your ex-wife should really move things along excuse me I was just trying to help yeah well I was just trying to have sex with a cup don't think of it as a cup think of it as a a polyurethane lap dancer get out I'm going there's only a few reasons why an X calls one they're doing great want to rub your nose in it or two they're doing lousy and need to borrow money or three they've
got money from knocking over a laundermat and want to hide under your Trail until the heat's [Laughter] off it happens okay okay how about four she misses you and wants to try again what is it she's going to try to change me into something I'm not to get me to stop drinking smoking gambling to rescue me from the barren Loveless Abyss my life has become what you know what I think I think you were never happier than when you were with Mia you still have feelings for her and you're just afraid to admit it you
are so wrong you couldn't be more wrong believe that guy you want the truth no probably not good call oh by the way here's the 20 bucks I owe you okay call you back bye hey Dad yeah J when did CH is having a party tomorrow night can I go tomorrow a little last minute isn't it well she wasn't going to invite me cuz Danny Palmer told Amy Sherl that I didn't like her but I told Peter Callahan to tell Ellen Meisner that I kind of [Music] did I see you do he lost me at
Amy Sherlock are her parents going to be there I guess what the fos who have girls worry about that shut up all right I'm going to want to meet her parents but uh I don't see any reason why you can't go cool oh yeah I'm going to need new shirt new pants new shoes what's wrong with the clothes you've got are you kidding everybody's already seen them yeah but not with all the latest food stains I hear gravies the new black fine we'll go shopping tomorrow how about a new haircut what's wrong with my hair
let's just say everybody's already seen it okay a new haircut so this is your first party with girls huh maybe maybe you're not sure you got some crossdressers in sixth grade playing a little pin the tail on the shut up why does everyone keep telling me to shut up cuz you're an insensitive adult that's no reason this is a very delicate time in a boy's life I remember how nervous I was about my first boy girl party all right that was in college wasn't it shut up I had no idea these awards were so prestigious
they're meaningless crap come on look at this list of of past winners for best jingle uh Barry Manalo Randy Newman Kenny Loggins Archie Baldwin Archie Baldwin Archie Baldwin what's your point well my point is it's an honor just to be nominated no no it's an honor to win being nominated is just a soul sucking waste of time why are you so sure you're going to lose because it doesn't matter who wrote the best jingle it's about who has the sexiest product that's why the awards always go to car in beer ads over the counter medications
just aren't hip enough that hardly seems fair tell me about it encourage people to get drunk and drive fast great here's an award relieve the Heartbreak of vaginal itching hey don't even want to shake your hand well win or lose you should still go to the cereem no no no no no no an award ceremony is like a Time massage if you don't know that there's going to be a happy ending there's no point lying down it's not just about you Charlie you have a family who's proud of your accomplishments and might like the chance
to share them what family is that your family me Jake mom whoa whoa whoa whoa do not tell Mom about this nomination why it's a good thing it doesn't matter if it's a good thing she'll find a way to make it bad okay now you're just being ridiculous oh really let's try a little experiment I'll pretend I'm mom and you tell me something good all right um hey Mom I have discovered a cure for cancer very nice shame you couldn't do it in time to save Uncle Walter's left testicle come on give me another one
no I get the idea no no no hit me okay um gee Mom it really is a beautiful day huh try telling that to Uncle Walter's one good nut okay um I adore my son somebody has to how about friendship how about Judas family Manson puppies rabies love communicable disease you win quitter leave me alone you're already alone your wife threw you out remember hey Mom here's some good news it seems with medical breakthroughs the average lifespan will soon be a hundred years wonderful more time to be ignored by your children amazing morning Mom you're
looking very pretty today that's nice because inside I'm dead when you're right you're right Charlie I need a favor yeah well I need a healthy liver and there's a long waiting list for both I've got a client coming into town next Saturday and he's bringing his lovely daughter uh and by lovely she means doglike all right she may not be a beauty queen but she does have a terrific figure I'm guessing six nipples anyhow I was hoping you could show her a good time no big deal and you don't even have to take her to
dinner just go to the beach and throw a stick till she gets tired G mom as much as I'd love to the unfortunate little schneer I'm busy next Saturday what are you doing I I've got a uh I got a I got a thing don't lie to me Charlie you got nothing you just don't want to help me no no no no I I I I swear I have I have I have plans I'm I'm I'm going to this uh this award ceremony you never go to these things yeah well this year's different your client's
daughter will just have to hump somebody else's leg told you I could get him to go so you're on your way to a ballgame yep it's a little treat for Jake's birthday that was months ago we were waiting for Bobblehead Day it's good for Jake to see other bobbleheads Hey Dad I just checked online Dodgers are in San Francisco today yes well we'd better get going then it's quite a drop must you continue with this pathetic little charade at this point we're kind of committed all right all right we're not going to a ball game
we're not man this is the worst birthday ever why do you have to lie to me we don't have to it's a choice we make well you both might find this all amusing but I do have feelings and I can be heard sorry Mom and it's just crushing to know that my own Sons think so little of me really after all this time Charlie we're both sorry is there anything we can do to make it up to you well as a matter of fact there is no you just walked right into that Teddy is out
of town and I need an escort for the Civic Light oper benefit this evening why don't you just try one of those escort services Charlie if I were going to pay $200 per hour for a man I would not be taking him to the Opera that's sure well I I'd love to help you out mom but uh I have a date tonight oh so now it's inflatable sex doll night of dodgy St no no I really have a date and and the doll was a gag gift from one of my patients here we are be
ever so humble wow this is some house if you ever decide to sell I want the listing well you'd have to kill my mom mom for it so sure can I make you a drink Charlie we both know I'm going to sleep with you you don't have to liquor me up they Haven been doing this a long time trust me you'll want a drink oh hey I didn't know you guys were home Lydia this is my brother Alan Alan hi hi so sorry to hear about your troubles troubles what troubles oh maybe I have it
wrong char didn't you tell me he was divorced broke and living on your couch I don't know what she's talking about well I am going through a bit of a a rough patch but I try not to think about it too much good for you I'd be suicidal you hear that you have options anyway this is my nephew jakay hello Jay hi so what grade are you in s well don't you worry when the other kids make fun of you you'll show them someday nobody makes fun of me you're kidding why would anyone make fun
of me and uh uh this is my housekeeper bira ba Lydia choose your words carefully slim slim why thank you I watch what I eat going in or coming out hey uh why don't we forget the drinks and go out on the deck and enjoy the sunset all right well it was so nice to meet all of you uhhuh yeah sure you didn't have to be so rude you said they're laughing with me hey I got my own problems what's up with Uncle Charlie what do you mean he's peeing off the deck I thought we
weren't allowed to do that we're not we're not no we're not okay what's the Oompa Loompa doing here on a weekday he got suspended from school why isn't he with his mother uh Judith had a little lipo suction yesterday and she needs to stay in bed until she stops leaking fat yeah I hate it when that happens so what did the melon head do oh it's a long story ah worth a thousand words come on Charlie let's go hang on I'm not done yet oh will you leave the seagulls alone for crying out loud so
you like making fun of girls with big boobs not anymore no I just snapped and hit him it's the first time in my life that's ever happened you mean it's the first time you've ever won the important thing now is for you to know that your family is 100% behind you thanks Mom now before we waste money on some expensive lawyer how much jail time are we talking about if you just roll over I don't want to go to jail and if he does he certainly doesn't want to roll over Charles that is crude and
uncalled for thank you you're welcome nobody wants to go to jail sweetie but let's face it all we're talking about a 60 days alone in a room with no friends how is that different from two months squatting in your brother's house you're kidding right I guess you know what don't worry yourself I'll just get a public defender and take care of this myself well there you go problem solved Charlie what some kid out of law school hungry to make his bones what's wrong with that he gets his haircut by traines at the barber college Ellen
I'd be happy to help you hire a lawyer oh no Chelsea I couldn't take money from you that's an honor he reserves for family so what you guys really aren't going to help him well of course we are but if we didn't torture him a little bit he wouldn't feel comfortable accepting our help you don't know that try me I'll tell you what I'll find the Lord lawyer and we'll split the fee not 50/50 cuz I'm out 6 years of room board and incidentals and by incidentals I mean mostly Kleenex and hand lotion oh please
I paid for four years of college and chiropractor school and he still gives me handmade chachkies for Christmas you said you love the PO holders I made you I said they made me cry okay okay okay 50/50 but we'll put it on my card so I get the miles I can't believe you two that's okay Chelsea I'm used to being treated this way the mocking the insults the humiliation it's all part of the festering ugliness of this family see he's fine with it Charlie I got to say I think you handled that really are you
out of your freaking mind my fingers what are you doing sticking your nose in my fiance's breast I was just trying to help let's make one thing clear the only acceptable boob reduction in this house is you moving out funny please Charlie I make my living with my hands really somebody's paying you to masturbate also funny don't I wish now please stop now I am duly chastised not good enough you need to be punished what I'm giving you a timeout what are you talking about you've been very bad and you need to think about what
you've done okay fine you want me to go to my room not far enough movies not long enough what do you want me to do I I can't to stay in a hotel here that's enough for two nights in a nice hotel or two months in an airport Locker I don't want your money fine go sleep in your car hold on I'll just take a couple of bucks for gas that's [Music] it and meals I have to eat tips and incidentals just out of curiosity what the hell happened in your brother's bathroom nothing dad was
wrestling on the floor with a naked lady The Quiet Ones are always the freaks Jake I was not wrestling but she was naked she was taking a shower and I didn't know she was in there and when I reached in to turn it off she was startled and it was completely innocent in there's absolutely no reason to tell your mother understand sure by the way you have to sign my math Des oh okay D minus Jake how do you get a D minus I don't know how do you get wrapped up in a shower curtain
with a naked lady did you show this to your mother no why not cuz it didn't catch her doing anything okay I'll sign this but you are going to go straight your room and study so this doesn't happen again right but I wouldn't get my hopes up if you want something from Dad now's a good time you can go in the other room and you can play with them huh really in the middle of the day wait a minute who's Alan Harper uh I I am going to answer that but before I do what' you
say gretchie will you marry me yes you've made me the the the happiest man in the world don't cry don't cry don't cry and for your question Larry I just want to say that everything you've known about me is a lie my real name is Allan that's okay my real name is Lawrence all right this is going to be a lot harder than I thought um uh Lindsay is my ex-girlfriend when you and she got together I made up a fake name so that I could meet you and stay close to Lindsay but then it
turns out I actually like you you more than I like Lindsay I like you more than Lindsay too what the hell is happening here so your name's not really Jeff strongman it's Alan Harper and you used to date Lindsay for four years did you know about this yes he was my boyfriend but but I I'm with you now and only you and I'm really really sorry oh save it Jeff if that's even your real name I think I made it pretty clear it's not but okay I told Alan that I thought he should tell you
the truth because I thought you deserve to know how could you keep this from me I would never lie to you this is unbelievable I never wanted any of this to happen well it did and now I've lost my two best friends and this time I'm not talking about your boobs I don't want to see either one of you again and I'm still not talking about your boobs the wedding's off har wait oh God see this is exactly why I didn't want to tell him now both Lindsay and Larry hate me and I've ruined the
the lives of two wonderful people I'll never forget to look on o boobs hey Alan oh hey hey Larry I don't have a weapon hi I'm Walden Allen's friend uh just act like I'm not here and punch like no one's watching and action so you uh you said you wanted to talk no no no not louder I'm sorry what louder there's a lot of ambient noise in here so so you said you wanted to talk yeah I actually came here to tell you that I forgive you cut cut you forgive him yeah I realized all
this anger isn't good I had to let it all go no he's not going to learn his lesson if you forgive him the only way he's going to learn a lesson is through pain and suffering and possibly losing a too no he's going to be my brother-in-law and make an honest woman out of Gretchen not going to be an honest woman on our wedding night that's the guy I know in love was banging my sister I do love banging your sister no the only banging I want to see is you banging his face oh that
didn't come out right [Music]
