my name is uh shaya astrov firstly i want to express my accuracy to mrs adler and all those who work together with her in her our voters at kodesh for this very wonderful organization for giving me the opportunity to share some of my thoughts and experiences in this very crucial area of shidduchim and relationships and even the areas of marriage and parents and children in that area of our lives where lives are brought together and actually you know i was supposed to be here tonight but for hashem uh i'm on my way territorial for a
simcha there's a shem we will have a bris my son is making a bris on monday there's hashem and so i thought the best way that i still have the opportunity to share my thoughts with you is through this video uh let me let me begin with some thoughts on the parsha i think there was some very crucial areas of the every parsha brings crucial messages to us the posix says went out and he he went out to his brothers he went to army israel and he and he saw there he saw their suffering and
rashi tells us that he how did he see their suffering he said he he focused his eyes and his heart and when he focused his eyes and his heart he gave himself over to the pain and suffering of amy israel and their buddhism was aware was was cognizant of course of motivation yeah say how a man living in a palace living with all of life's comforts royalty protected from all of life's challenges leaves it all and goes out to the dos goes out to the street because he sees the pain and suffering of his children
he gives up everything for his brothers and boshov says to him he says if you're willing to give up the comfort of your palace and be meshtatif to be no sir all in the tsar of amy israel then i'm going to leave my palace i'm going to leave my palace in the shamayim and i'm going to come down and speak to you directly to you so when a parent loves a child and the child is hurt in mortal danger and someone comes along to help a child is there anything that this parent won't do for
this person who helped the child that he loves sir told me my children are hurt you left the palace to help them and i'll leave my palace to bring you to the heights that no person ever reached before or ever will reach what did moshe bender see he saw the back breaking labor he saw the killings the humiliation and these are these are sufferings that omisrail has seen at every door every door has been tells us there's a part of mitsuram in every door in this door there's another kind of suffering there's a suffering that
i don't believe any dog has ever seen before it's true we see the illness we see the suffering but we never saw the pain of people searching endlessly for this evolution the pain experienced by parents who will bring up children who wait for the moment that they can escort them to the chupa that which was our that was our yerusha for every door for so many for some reason for this door something has occurred something has a new kind of pain a new kind of suffering has emerged now we feel so helpless to deal with
it there's a part of a in each of us that's a motivator that wants to help but we just don't know how some will help by trying to push things along some will help by a kind word but we see singles we see parents suffering year after year so many and we don't know how just a few days ago a young woman came to me and said i don't know what to do i've been seeing somebody for for a few months i want to get engaged about four years ago i i came so close to
engagement to a wonderful person and and i got scared and i started to have palpitations and i started to worry about all kinds of things and and i couldn't do it and i walked away and i told myself that this was the i did the right thing must have been something wrong but i see now that the same thing is happening again i met a young man and he's a wonderful person he's about me this is everything i wanted you know as i say on paper that's a hundred percent but inside of me i don't
know what's happening i'm just so filled with trepidation i'm so filled with fears and i'm not a frightened person i'm a teacher i'm a professional i function well in every area of my life and yet i see it's happening again and i know if it happens again and there's no real reason i don't know what i'm going to do just a few days ago i i had a young man who um just uh three or four days away from his wedding he called me i had seen him a couple of times he said i know
what to do i'm i'm getting married in a couple of days not and she's a wonderful girl but for some reason i don't feel i like her but i i did like her we went out for a couple of months and she is a wonderful for some reason now it just kind of all went dead in me and i'm asking myself should i should i go to this should i go to my own hope i waited all these years my hopper my parents are waiting my bobby my sadie everybody is waiting and i feel i
don't want to go to my own cupboard it feels like it's the last day of my life we see every single day we see this over and over again we see we see fine children who we've invested our lives and we we've invested on the shumas and raising them they're they're which door in our history has raised such a such in intelligent valimidos vinay tora benostora and yet over and over again we see the same the same pattern we have people who have been dating for 10 15 years people have been dating 30 40 50
60 dates had one man came to me just a few days ago he said i dated about 40 girls i finally found the right girl until she looked to the side and when she looked to the side she reminded me of somebody that i once knew and didn't like so i asked him how do you know that that was legitimate he said i it wasn't legitimate she's a fine girl but once i had it in my head i didn't know what to do with it it was driving me crazy every time i looked at her
now it reminds me of this person that i didn't like so i asked him what to do he says i dropped it you know in our lives we look around and we we see that we have so many areas that protect us we have we have surveillance cameras and we have high-tech medical procedures and and we have we have everything to keep us out of harm's way and never in a long history has the enemy whether it's illness or it's a or it's amalek anti-semitism never in a long history has the enemy the enemy been
unable to do any real damage to us on the outside and yet he's been able to destroy so many lives on the inside and we wonder where's it coming from why is it happening why why is this door different than any other door i recently if you look back to other doris i came because they came across from an amusing story which i put they put in the book of of how dating or not dating with no dating in previous tourists how it was so natural i saw a story about a young girl who asked
her grandma grandmother she said she said bobby khanna she said how did you and zadie meet so so probably hannah told her granddaughter she says i'll tell you what she said i'll tell you she says one hair one sarah arrow shabbos my father that's your elder zadie went to the market to buy fish they buy chicken and he came back and he his hands were full of packages so he said to me he says he said he said today in the market he says i bought i bought you a special gift she said what was
it he said i brought you a question she bought me a crossing said yes so she said i was only six years old at the time it seems that a shot and come over to him in the market and said mr so-and-so i understand that you have a six-year-old girl she says i have a i have somebody here also in the market a six-year-old boy i want to introduce you to each other and these and the shots would introduce them and they made a deal and somehow 10 years 15 years from now whatever it is
these two young people would marry it would meet and they would marry so khanna started looking through the packages feverishly so father said what are you looking for she says i'm looking for my husband he brought me a husband i'm looking for him that was the that was the the the purity of the the innocence that for over 3000 years that's how it went how do we understand the difference what's happened we can go back to the novi ashaya and then navi ashaya says live in turbulent waters they live in a turbulent sea they were
showing never really have any kind of rest they're always they're always chaotic we've we've always lived around we've always lived within the societies of asav but we've never really let them take hold into our own very our own panemias and never before has has the negrush has the has the turbulence of of aesop become a part of who we are and we can hear it we can hear it in the rings of our cell phones we can hear it in the liverpool on the street we can hear it in the in the talk show the
violence of the talk shows that we listen to political violence has become a part of our landscape and and when this becomes the part of our landscape we lose something of who we are you know ghazal says that that that may later the bus call the basketball is able to tell us who is civic for who so we have to be able to hear that bus call when we're ready to get married when we meet our civic but we can't hear that boss call anymore because we're turbulent inside imagine you went to the coastal you
went to the coastal and you traveled seven thousand miles maybe you had some names of people you wanted to darling for you haven't been there for a long while and you got next to the coastal and maybe you put your face next to the wall next to the stone and you're ready to die and also when somebody comes next to you and is listening to rap music and you say please can you please shut that rap music it's that i can't so the person says oh don't mind she said i don't mind you're praying you
shouldn't mind my music you say we don't understand i can't dabbing with that music revolution doesn't doesn't connect to us when that music is in our heads see what i want you to understand is that that music or that it's not music it's a cacophony it's the sounds of the negrush it's the sounds of the chaos that in our dating in our relationship building in our marriages have snuck in and become a part of us and we don't even know it's there we can't because it's become so much a part of the ebb and flow
of our lives we don't realize it it's not that we're going to the coastline demand please if you don't leave then i'm leaving no become a part of us that that that wild cell phone sound that wakes up everybody within within a five mile radius has become part of us we accept we expect it we don't realize what it's doing to us what it does is it throws us off balance we don't know how to hear the bus cold we don't know how to feel the sensitive the sensitivity i had a girl came to me
a few weeks ago with a wonderful young man a sweet young man who's been pursuing her for months and and he was a very good-looking young man but she said she says i can't go any further i don't know the one i don't feel attracted to him we went over all the things she was looking for something which was absurd he was a very fine-looking looking young man handsome i would even say she was looking at something which was not that see a stick her her her whole sheefa in life was had had become taken
over by this rash by this chaos that we see so what do we do this has really become the enemy of our door this is really the enemy that we see people going out over and over again date after date year after year this is the impact so if we look at the we all know this passage we all know this valuation so he says he says fish he said he says is the ikea soul of life why because manuka sannefish is pulled for carrot is the exact opposite of the rash of asaf of the
chaos of the gus now you do that he says on shabbos by minecraft we say he said because a person in and a person who doesn't have menopause in that fish is sona that real a person without manure nephesh cannot have a kesha with himself herself with the person they're dating with the person they're married to with their bonus lover and lukas hanefesh becomes the center of all we are everything that enables us to be close to urban slogan to those we care for to building our homes it's only when we're in that garden we're
in that center that ghazal calls me fish what is it what does it do how does it work well i've done a lot of work on this and the number of books that i've written which will be available to you both after my talk and and also they'll be available they're available in the stores but but when lucas and nephesh creates is a is a state of mind that creates an awareness that creates an awareness that connects us to the urbanislam that says that that we're connected to their bonus show i remember once i was
sitting in the mountains of shabbos waiting for shabbos to come and i was looking at the trees and looking at the mountains and all of a sudden the whole pargold of existence lifted and i realized that is the avista that that is behind every leaf every blade of grass we all know that but to experience it is very different and really that's bahamut it's an awareness that every moment of our lives the abrasive is giving us lives that the abrasive is is is that the pulse that we experience is kept going by the abhishem that
the cells in our body are being fed by the avista but more than that that when someone says i can't get engaged because i feel too tense because he reminds me of somebody or my stomach is churning that person doesn't feel they have the hera that person feels that they are helpless to deal with these this anxiety what nefesh does is enables you to experience the bahira that hashem gives us it tells us shaya i know who you are you may be you may feel you're helpless right now but you know the abrasive knows who
you are he knows how you got here he knows what you're experiencing he knows what he wants you to become and in this very moment you have the ability to quiet your anxieties you have the ability to find the koach and the serenity and to find the cavanas and to find everything you need to walk down that huppa you have the ability to shut off those thought patterns that are making you think that this person is somebody else the nougat nefesh gives you the ability to realize the cause that a diversion gives you so you
have the hero because no one is ever is ever without behera that's what we learned from manohar nephesh a husband came to me he and his wife were fighting and they married a good number of years and after and after the first session i gave him a copy of my book i told him i want you to go home and i want you and your wife to sit down and read the book 15 minutes a day he came in last week and he said to me he said you know i always said her barnslaw made
me an angry person i really believed that i didn't really feel that i had any choice my father was sometimes got angry and i had that also a new angry work but after reading with my wife i discovered two things number one i discovered a wonderful javarussa because my wife mother and i are reading every day but i also discovered that i'm really not an angry person the roger gives me ability not to be an angry person i learned how to calm myself down there are many such stories like this far too many tell you
tonight but what i want to leave you with is the concept that the virtual nose are are suffering but he also knows that before the mark of theirs or there wasn't before and from my perspective what i've learned through before it is is manufactured in my writings and i well this is just a very short presentation i've endeavored to to capture my ideas and present them to you with through cds and through the books the menu principle the marriage and the knowledge of the principle and shidduchim dating and engagement which which i brought here tonight
which will be available in the stores i believe in a week or so and through training groups that we're developing and support groups so it is my it's more than a belief it's a no it's an experience i have every day where people learn to cultivate their manukas and their fish and through cultivating it are able to become hassanim and colors and build wonderful families together i can't tell you how many calls i've received the day after the hopa a week a month later realizing how all of their anxieties and fears were really illusions and
how grateful they were that that they had learned this and how grateful i am that hashem that gave me the ability to discover what ghazal has always known as i show over the years i believe that many of us will work together through groups and support groups through other writings to make sure that no one is left behind every boss israel every ben torah has a right has a urushi to find the civic to find that person that the boss called that the boss coal announced before they were born and there's hashem we should all
share many symbols together you
