my best friend broke up with his fiance after she accused us of cheating and demanded he choose her over me now I feel guilty for causing their breakup and want to put them back together posted by you/ Pelican Dum hey all so here's the backstory I 23f have been best friends with this guy will call Troy 23m since we were in 8th grade all throughout high school we hung out together with our other Mutual best friend Adam the three of us spent a lot of time together and did nearly everything as a group in high
school we exper experienced our fair share of losses and Trauma at one point both Adam and Troy stayed at my house for a couple of months before College due to issues at home this brought us closer than usual friends because we learned to lean on each other so much fast forward to college and all three of us attended different schools but we continued FaceTiming each other every other day leaving our families and each other was rough and we had developed a kind of codependency in high school our frequent communication only reinforced that but it was
how we coped come sophomore year Troy started dating his now fiance Emily 22f they got along well and made a great couple and I was very happy for them from the start Troy made it clear that I was just a friend and that he shared everything with both Adam and me as far as I knew Emily was fine with that at the time it wasn't uncommon for us to hear about his relationship problems and arguments when Adam and I visited Troy and met Emily for the first time she was very kind although a little awkward
which was understandable during our visits Troy would often ignore her to hang out with us exclusively we pointed this out to him but he dismissed it saying he saw her every day while he saw us maybe once every 6 months I let it slide because it wasn't my place to interfere however I think those visits and his neglect of her started to create her bitterness toward me years passed and now they're engaged Adam was chosen as the best man and I'm supposed to be a groomsman in the wedding a few months ago our best friend
Adam unexpectedly committed suicide Troy and I were and still are devastated it came out of nowhere and we blame ourselves even though we know it's not our fault I live alone in an apartment and expressed to Troy that I was feeling distressed and lonely especially due to the co lockdown Troy dropped everything to come live with me for a few weeks so we could process our grief together we've both been attending therapy for grief a week ago Troy got a call from Emily who said she wanted him back at their apartment because she didn't trust
him being with me she accused him of cheating on her with me and said he should be choosing her over me Troy got upset and told her that he was grieving and she didn't understand what he was going going through but I did it escalated to the point where Emily gave him an ultimatum choose me or her Troy told her it was unfair to make him choose between two important people in his life and that if she couldn't understand his need for support maybe they weren't meant to be together she was hurt by his response
and told him she needed time to cool off and think they hung up today Emily texted me asking if I had feelings for him I told her no she then called and asked if I loved him and I said yes but is a brother I explained that I do anything for Troy she told me that if I truly loved him I would step back and let her have him I told her this was a conversation she needed to have with him and that I was tired of being in the middle of it she got angry
hung up on me and I immediately told Troy about our conversation Troy called her and broke up with her I think his decision was Hasty and emotional and I'm trying to talk him out of it but I'm not sure what else I can do can you all give me some advice I feel like this is my fault for asking him to come stay with me edit hey all it's been a few hours since I posted this and I didn't expect to get so many responses thank you all for your input it's really helped me gain
some perspective I've been told that my relationships with both Troy and Adam were detrimental to my other relationships and I was taking steps to fix that however with Adam's death and the stress of Co all the lessons I've been learning kind of flew out the window that's no excuse for how I've been behaving Troy is a dear friend and I've been unknowingly sabotaging his relationships with other people that's not fair to him or to the people in his life I've also considered Emily a friend since I met her but I haven't been a good friend
to her either since I posted this Troy broke down about his breakup and said he regrets breaking up with her he texted her and they agreed to try to talk things out in a couple of days after they've both had time to process everything I showed Troy This Thread and he got to hear what you all were saying too so hopefully that helps he and I agreed that we need some space apart so he'll stay at my apartment and I'm staying on a co-worker's couch again thank you all for your input both to those who
supported me and to those who called Troy and me out on our Behavior hopefully with continued therapy and eventual boundaries we can maintain a healthy friendship and also have healthy relationships with others update 12 Days Later hey all I thought I'd give you an update on what's happened since I made my first post here a few hours after Troy broke up with Emily he broke down in tears and was miserable he regretted breaking up with her and texted her they both agreed to talk after a few days once they had the chance to cool off
and think things through I also texted after I got some advice from a DM and apologized for everything and for how I may have hurt her she replied with a simple thanks and that was it but that was all right I needed to apologize to her that evening Troy and I went over the comments from the original post and talked with each other he and I agreed we needed some space so that night I called up a coworker and asked if I could crash on their couch for a few days they agreed so Troy stated
at my apartment and I went to my co-worker place we didn't talk for 5 days to give each other space that was really hard for me because I kept overthinking that Troy hated me and didn't want me in his life anymore I was convinced I was going to lose him and that made me miserable because we had just lost Adam but that was just my anxiety speaking after a few days Troy called me and said he had spoken with Emily and they were back together I was so happy for them and relieved I wanted to
ask for details but I figured I had stuck my nose into their relationship enough as it was so I didn't ask and Troy didn't say anything he told me I should come back to the apartment and I asked if Emily was all right with that he said yes so I moved back into my apartment when I got back I asked him if he was going to return to his apartment with Emily but he said no due to co so he'll be staying with me for at least the next few weeks having had several days apart
with no communication was something new for us so when we were together again we talked about everything we'd been thinking about we talked about how much we missed Adam what we could have done to help him and the guilt we were both holding on to it also came out that Troy had rushed to my side when I asked him because he was afraid I was suicidal and didn't want to lose me either I felt really guilty about that I scared Troy and that was never my intention then we started talking about all the memories we
had with Adam and that was really uplifting even though we were crying the whole time I also told him how nervous I was during our time apart and he said he felt the same way we laughed about it and agreed we need to work on our independence from each other the next day I got a call from Emily and answered it she wanted to apologize for assuming I was with Troy and to talk about the text I had sent her she and I had an emotional talk for a couple of hours but eventually we understood
where the other was coming from she mentioned that she often thought Adam and I didn't like her but that was only because we hadn't properly included her whenever we were with Troy by the end of the talk we agreed we should communicate more since Troy is significant to both of us it was good to talk with her and clear everything up she's a super sweet and considerate woman and I think she's perfect for Troy I'd love to be her friend too Troy and I are going to into therapy and working on our codependence and grief
counseling in separate sessions I've also started looking into a codependence group and think I'll start attending those meetings since there's only one in town Troy isn't going to join because we don't want to go to the same one Emily also mentioned that she and Troy are going to start coup's therapy so that's what they'll be doing once he moves back in with her so that's the update Emily and Troy are back together Troy will be staying with me for the next few weeks and Emily and I have started building our friendship hopefully from here on
out there will be more communication between them and better boundaries between Troy and me Troy and I are willing to put in the effort and Emily is supportive of us so I'm optimistic I'm sure Adam would be happy that we're moving forward together if you all have any more advice or words of encouragement I'd love to hear them thank you all for your help with the initial post I don't think the situation would be getting better if you all hadn't helped Troy and me open our eyes edit wow I did not expect the amount of
hatred this update post would receive I thought the situation had resolved itself positively you all want Troy out of my apartment right away though so I told him that he should head home as soon as possible to be with Emily and he admitted that he did not want to go back to Florida because of the increase in Corona virus cases and that he liked a relatively relaxed state of things here in my state I told him he was being paranoid and that he would be all right if he quarantined once he got back not the
most sympathetic thing I could have said but since he works from home anyway he can quarantine without any issues he called Emily and they bought a plain ticket for him to head back in 3 days so he's leaving Emily is excited to have him back and I'm glad they can be together again
