Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater? Here's What You Should Know...

if you are an 100% secure human being if such a person exists and someone says that to you you may not be coming from a place of saying I feel unsafe you might be coming from a place of just saying I don't trust you [Music] anymore welcome everybody to the love Life podcast with me Matthew hussy and Audrey hussy here hello everybody we have a great episode for you today we're going to be talking about what to do when someone has hurt you or betrayed you or lied to you in a way that has made

you feel unsafe before we get into that yesterday we did a big live event called the first principles to get in commitment it was an amazing event we had tens of thousands of people registered for this event it was extraordinary we had so much advice packed in for people in this event I also did something very special on this event that you missed if you weren't there but the good news is we are airing a replay for the next 4 48 hours which you can watch at llife replay. comom like I said it's only available

for the next 48 hours if you want a serious relationship this year and you're tired of hookups and casual dating and meeting people who aren't ready and not knowing what to do when you do meet someone who's not ready but you really like them this session is for you it's available now at llif replay. comom head over there and make sure you watch it in the next 48 hours before it disappears okay on with the episode we wanted to talk today about what happens when someone does something early on in a relationship and in fact

I think we can actually widen this to uh lots of different moments in a relationship even if you've been in that relationship for some time but when someone does something that breaks your trust that makes you feel unsafe emotionally makes you feel like if you continue with this relationship you could get really hurt and therefore throws you into the Dilemma especially if that person would like to keep going of whether it's wise to keep going or not and the example that we were talking about because this came up for us recently in one of our

coaching sessions is when someone has lied about how their last relationship ended they told you one thing but then one day they come clean and tell you the reality which is that they cheated in that relationship and that's why it ended o oof yeah oof no no no that's a that's a pretty I I I would find that a very unsettling truth to to uncover and I suppose the fact that someone didn't tell you in the beginning is one of the hard parts right it's one of those things where if you have always had a

very uh black and white view on cheating um it's something that would make you feel uncomfortable anyway if somebody even sort of came clean about it in the beginning and was open about the fact that they had done that and regretted it I think as you say especially if it was said afterwards that would be um if if it was lied about and then uncovered and revealed later down the line I think you would almost see some of those characteristics in that behavior the the the lying and the cheating because lying and cheating are very

sort of interconnected so you would see them lying to you about it as a kind of you know a continuation of that behavior that's that's concerned and when something like this happens the typical thing is to go to your friends and to say what should I do you know and usually the story goes something like I really like this person you know we've been getting on great but they've just kind of given me this information or they've just done this thing and it's not always that right it could be something else that's made you feel

unsafe it could be that they you know just disappeared for a week and you had been speaking regularly and then all of a sudden they ghost you and then come back again after that week and you know just expect to kind of go on as normal even though they went completely dark you talk every day and then all of a sudden nothing for a week even when you texted them they didn't reply and then a week later it's back on there's this dilemma that people face where they go to their friends and they say this

happened what should I do and of course especially with the cheating one there's people are very quick to jump on things and be like oh my God giant red flag you know that's scary you shouldn't be with that person you shouldn't keep going with the cheating one the classic thing that's said by people is once a cheater always a cheater if they did it to that person they'll do it to you so you're getting all this information that is also on some level it's just not what you want to hear because you want people around

you to validate that well maybe this is different and maybe you know it's not so bad because of this and you know you may even found find yourself justifying it on some level going well you know In fairness you know they they have been having a hard time at work and this has been happening and so you know that's you know that that probably explains why they were having a hard week and couldn't text back and and ghosted me in that week it's not as bad as that and technically did they even really ghost me

cuz they did kind of come back after a week and then start talking to me again you know or it's the cheating thing it's like well you know they they were afraid that they were going to lose me if they said something and you know they they said they like me so much that they were really scared about that and so so we we have our justifications that we insert but deep down some part of us is hearing what somebody else has said yeah the thing with cheating I think is you know if you recognize

if you've cheated on someone and you recognize that is not the kind of behavior that you agree with and you're you know you're ashamed of yourself for having done that there would have been an element of work that you would have had to do on yourself in order to forgive yourself for having done something like that and as we all know when you do that kind of work you part of it is being able to recognize with yourself and with others that you made those mistakes right you know things you feel shameful about the best

way to bring them to the light and have them disappear is to actually talk about them and voice them out loud and I remember actually a therapist of mine saying this to me once she said you know the things we don't talk about are the things we're worried we're going to repeat so let's use the example for a minute of an alcoholic somebody might not want to admit they're an alcoholic Because deep down they want to keep drinking and they they're not prepared to declare that about themselves because because they don't trust themselves they don't

have that self trust to stay away from that specific behavior and I kind of see it the same way with cheating which is somebody coming up front and you know in the appropriate time whether that's date five or date 10 or whatever or even date two if it comes up naturally is able to go this is how my marriage ended I was unfaithful I'm not proud of it it's one of my biggest regrets I've had to do a lot of work to forgive myself on it and just so you know that it's so far away

from my values today and you know I'm just a different person I would never do that again because I've learned a lot from that situation that's actually to use you know current terms that's a bit of a green flag right that's like somebody has made a mistake but they're taking ownership of it they've grown from it and actually you know they're probably a more reliable person because they've actually felt the guilt and shame and pain of having done that and worked through it and forgiven themselves whereas I think someone not talking about it is a

bit of a red flag because it suggests a kind of a fracturing of yourself you know you kind of you are keeping that darker side of yourself that you're ashamed of tucked away in this draw and you don't want anyone to find out about it not to mention a lot of people have very personal experiences around cheating you know they might have had family members who have cheated you know divorces might have happened they might have had you know just a very traumatic things for them and to not have the compassion of offering them that

information to begin with for them to decide whether they want to proceed with you I think is unfair because somebody might go I appreciate that you're you know saying this but I also for me like that's just something that I'm not comfortable with and you have to give people the opportunity to make that decision but to that point as you say that can excuse the kind of you know the reason why people wouldn't want to share it because they wouldn't necessarily want to lose you so it's really complicated I suppose it does bring up the

question of how early someone should disclose something like that to you right because it's not exactly first date talk like someone on a first date isn't necessarily entitled to know how your relationship ended the last time um which is because it's very personal information just because you did something wrong doesn't make it not personal that's true then again asking someone why they got divorced on the first date probably also isn't a first date question so you know I I think I'm I'm only playing with that idea because there's probably a time during which it you

know it wouldn't be appropriate to have those conversations then again you know on a first date people do sometimes ask like no I on a first date asking someone why their relationship ended wouldn't be a very that would be a strange question to ask on a first boundaries but definitely possible I but I think anyone anyone is entitled to say you know well that's it's um it's you know that's a story for another time yeah it's a story for another time it's kind of you know it's very personal that story and absolutely talk about it

you know if we see each other again and um but I think even that might make too much of it I'm trying to think what you would say in that what would be like a good answer I think it's a story for another time yeah but for sure makes someone want to like be like well wait hang on what is it's like I feel like a lot of people will but but you would say that even in normal situations where it's just been a very heavy yeah if you'd been cheated on you wouldn't feel it

was someone's business to know that also say that's the story for exactly exactly well first I I feel like we should deal with that idea of is it true once a cheater or always a cheater and you said some really important things which is that there's an enormous amount of work that someone would have to do on themselves to make it so that they didn't fall into that same pattern in another relationship assuming it wasn't just some kind of truly like you know whatever the circumstance is like there was something truly extenuating about the circumstances

of that relationship it's something that someone would have to do a lot of work on themselves not to fall into again because you don't just you can't just IM you can't just hope that the next time you have an urge you'll do better you have to actually do the work on yourself you know Robert Green I've heard him say that nobody ever does anything once and that if someone does something once you can assume that it's something they do in general because people are the people follow patterns and you know I mean I say this

in my new book but it's there's a truth to that that I think is valuable like if I was giving someone a survival manual for life that wouldn't be a bad rule to go in there that you know don't assume never assume anyone's doing anything once like if you if aliens landed on the planet and they were like tell us about you humans and give us some like first principles of how to navigate understanding you guys yeah if they if they went into they say if you go into get a coffee today and the the

person serving you your coffee is really rude and dismissive to you they probably were like that last week yeah it's unlike it might be true but that that they're just like that this is the one time in their life they're like that but it's probably more true that what you're seeing right now is a pattern in their life but it's also there's something about that idea that is extremely uh damning not just for the person who cheats but for all of us if all of us if it's said about all of us that you know

we never do anything once and that whatever our our essentially our past equals our future yeah then we're all screwed cuz every single one of us has done things that we regret things that we would change we've hurt people in ways that we would take back if we could and and you learn by making mistakes in life you know I think the the the guilt that someone can feel for cheating once not talking about a pattern not talking about doing it five times you know someone makes a mistake once and they feel an enormous amount

of guilt is a lesson that teaches you not to do that again because you go I felt really truly terrible when I did that thing and now I know in my heart that I never want to feel that way again I never want to make someone else feel that way or feel that way about myself so I totally agree with you there's like a it's complicated CU you don't want to be unnuanced about something like this because it's it is damning but this goes back to that point you were talking about where if someone has

lied about it and then they come clean something's going on there right it could be what you said which I think is a great point about we don't talk about things that we're scared we'll repeat it could also be that they haven't forgiven themselves and that there's still just a lot of work that they have to do there it could be that they think that this thing makes them truly unworthy and that no one is ever going to want them again which again is not we may have sympathy for that um place that someone has

arrived at but it still suggests a lot of work that someone has to do on that particular thing and so if somebody is in that situation in your opinion you know what happens next so you know somebody lies to you about having cheated on someone they then either come clean about it or you find out about it in circumstances um circumstantially I should say and certainly the former is preferable well yeah for sure what next because obviously that would leave the person who's been lied to that would leave that person feeling I would imagine pretty

unsafe I'm a huge proponent of a like a kind of radical honesty in situations like this because I think people keep a lot in they're like oh I like this person should I keep going they've apologized they've which is obvious if they can't even apologize for it then run for the Hills right cuz if if they're trying to make it like they've you know I've done nothing wrong blah blah blah that's a whole other issue and that's really I think that's really hard to even there's until someone can even acknowledge that that was wrong what

they did that they lied to you about it and you have a kind of insurmountable issue there but let's say someone apologizes let's say they apologize right off the bat I'm so sorry I was afraid that if I told you you wouldn't be interested blah blah blah now you have a dilemma on your hands do I continue or do I say enough I don't need this headache this is too it's made me feel really unsafe and I can't be here that dilemma that you're experiencing internally is one that can actually be voiced externally in other

words you can say to someone this is this has really made me feel unsafe and you can even site why it not just the you know if you are an 100% secure human being with no trauma from the past no issues nothing and someone says if such a person exists and someone says that to you oh you know they lie to you and then you may not be coming from a place of saying I feel unsafe you might be coming from a place of just saying I don't trust you anymore yeah but on top of

that many people do come to relationships with deep wounds and for a lot of people having been either cheated on in the past or having experienced a certain life growing up with their parents and the way they saw their parents relationship which may be modeled um unfaithfulness betrayals big and small you may in your adult life be someone who struggles to trust people you may be someone who doesn't feel safe easily and you have to work hard to feel safe in a relationship so when someone does something like this it might really really rock you

on a deep level because it's now this thing that is hard one for you this safety that you have to work hard to get has been compromised yeah and voicing that to a person not just that you feel unsafe but why you feel unsafe and even talking about your life a little bit to the extent that you feel comfortable doing it can be a very powerful thing because what you're doing is you're using it as an opportunity to talk about who you are and that this is this is really hard for me because you know

this is what I experienced in my childhood or this is what I've experienced before in relationships and you know when I trust people it means a lot and it takes a lot for me and this has it's jeopardized that for me it's made me feel really unsafe and I'm not saying that to make you feel bad I'm saying that because that's a genuine challenge for me now because someone someone needs to understand something they need to understand that if they actually do care about you well a if they care about you they should want to

know you and they should want to understand your triggers they should want to understand who you are as a person if for no other reason then well if I know you I know that there's certain things I do need to be sensitive to with you there's certain things I need to be careful of with you because this is your stuff just as I have my stuff and we need to be mindful of each other's stuff but if they want to be with you they need to know what the path back is and if you're not

honest with someone they don't really know what the path back is if you say I feel really unsafe and you know I I need to slow things down it I need there's certain things that will certainly help me like whether it's consistent communication or whether it's you talking to me more about your where your head space is with your own Journey on that mistake or that regret how do you feel about it help me understand where your mind is like so that you can actually learn about whether they've really you know when they speak do

they speak convincingly about like does this sound like someone who's truly been humbled by this and come out the other side of it or not do they admit the work that they still have to do because you know clearly someone who is lying to you about it is still there's something going on within them that isn't accepting themselves and so explaining all of that tells someone that there's a it's not just you said sorry and now we're back it's that there's actually a path to me feeling safe again and until I feel safe again I

I'm going to struggle to be 100% me in this situation in this relationship whether it's early days or whether you've been there for a while and the key thing I I suppose I want people to understand is that it's 100% our job to make ourselves feel safe in life and one of the ways you make yourself feel safe when it comes to dating and relationships is by always reserving the right to protect yourself and walk away right that if I ever feel unsafe for long enough in my situation I can leave and if I leave

I know I'll be able to take care of myself that's a key form of safety I believe everyone should take responsibility for is feeling safe themselves I can make myself safe if I have to inside or outside of a relationship and if I can't make myself safe inside I'll I'll have to leave but I know I can make myself safe outside but what we can't take responsibility for is making ourselves feel safe about someone else that's their job yeah when someone screws up lies to us cheats betrays lies in this case we've been talking about

lies about having been about having cheated on someone else and how their relationship ended ghosts us for a t period of time and then comes back and expects everything to just be okay even though they've really unsettled Us in that situ it's not our job to make ourselves feel safe about another person that's their job and if they didn't want that job then they shouldn't have done the thing that has made us feel unsafe yeah that I that's such an important framework I love that I think that I and I see this all the time

not just in romantic relationships but in you know people who have a narcissistic parent or a narcissistic sibling or someone in their life life that has caused them a lot of pain they may not even be narcissistic they just someone who's caused them a lot of pain and has patterns that routinely cause them pain and then they distance themselves from those people because they feel like they have to in order for their own protection in order to emotionally feel good but then they start to feel guilty for being out of touch with them or they

feel guilty for not being as close to them they feel guilty for having created a bound with that person and that kind of pleaser mindset comes out of oh I should you know I really should like work out how to feel better in myself so that I can be closer to that person again but again that's missing the point you already protected Yourself by creating distance that was the part that was the ownership part the ownership you already did by creating a boundary and saying I can't have this person as close to me or in

some cases I can't talk to this person at all that's a way that you've already successfully protected yourself and made yourself safe what you can't do is say I just need to make myself feel safe about this person so that I can be in touch with them again that's you taking on their job if someone in your life your family your friendships your workplace whatever if someone has made you feel like you are not in good hands in that relationship and that you are at risk of constantly getting hurt or being betrayed or being misled

or being manipulated being lied to then all the work is ahead of them in showing you that something in them has shifted since they made you feel that and I think it's a very tragic thing for so many people where they feel like I should really reach back out to that person when that person hasn't done anything in the meantime that has made them feel better or more safe than when they parted ways it is not your job to make yourself feel safe about someone else it is only your job to make yourself feel safe

that you've got your own back and that you can take care of yourself yeah in the absence of this relationship and in addition to that I think a very important if that pleaser mindset is kicking in for you and you're going but I don't want to lose them and if I assert too many boundaries here they might just take that as a rejection and walk away that's what we think isn't it we think like oh I'm just going to put them off and they're going to be like oh you know I this person can't forgive

me so I'm just going to walk away and so we try and forgive quick more quickly than we're actually able to in order to keep that person around I think it's important to remember that if if that's the case somebody needs to learn that they can't lie to you and that if they lie to you there are consequences because that's that's what life is about right you you pay for the mistakes you make and that's okay I'm not saying that in a horrible way it's just we all make mistakes but we pay for them we

should pay for them and it's important in a relationship to understand where someone's boundaries are and where you will have to you know if you make a mistake it's important to pay for it so that you remember not to do it again the same way as I said earlier if you cheat on someone and you feel guilty about it that's you paying for that mistake there are very important processes is to teach you not to do these things again and I think that when we are in those stages when we're dating people in early days

and early relationships if we forgive too quickly and we let people breach those boundaries we're just teaching people that it's okay to do it again which is a very dangerous thing to do well I think if you're if you're the person who has hurt somebody else it's really important to take that guilt and to channel it into proactive things you can do to help that person feel safe instead of sort of dwelling in your cave it how how can I Channel this into energy that actually makes this person realize how much I value them and

how can I listen to them on the things they say they need in order to feel safe and when you have had to earn back someone's trust as you say you really value that trust you don't treat it lightly next time as as you said if you WI win it back that easily then you don't you don't value it in the same way the other thing I just want to finish this off with is people get caught in the Trap of trying to figure out whether someone else is good or bad based on what they've

done and my experience there's not so many bad people in life there are some bad people but the light The World Isn't full of bad people I don't think it's 50% bad people no def but there's plenty of good people who do bad things and there's plenty of well-intentioned people who do incredibly hurtful things and there's plenty of not bad but oblivious people who do plenty of destructive things and trying to figure out whether you know because they lied to you about this they're a good or a bad person or you know they're badly intentioned

or whatever it I think often very much misses the point the point is to find someone in a relationship who is good at handling you if you found someone who let's say lied to you about something but then they said sorry and now they're just like hey like let's get past this now and they don't have any care for the things that you're experiencing then that person especially if you're someone who's got Trauma from the past especially if you you've got you still are working through being able to trust people being able to believe in

relationships again and if someone has that context for you and they're not able to give you what you need in those situations then that's the wrong person for you it doesn't make them a bad person for not being able to give that to you but it does make them wrong for you because the right person is the person who is good for your healing not someone who aggravates it and then doesn't care about what it is you need in order to heal and I'm not saying in this that this isn't a mandate for us to

behave really badly and for us to dump all of our worst baggage on somebody else and say to them it's your responsibility it's not that it's if we're a person who's honestly on the road to trying to heal and feel better in our relationships and we have the best int ions of trying to bring our best selves but we are like everybody else we struggle sometimes to make those changes we need someone else who who knows how to help us heal and if someone doesn't if someone aggravates you on that journey and then is dismissive

of that and doesn't do the things that help you heal in the wake of it that is not the right person for you guys before you go go reminder to go over to loveif replay. comom where we are airing the replay only for the next 48 hours of the first principles for getting commitment I cannot wait to hear your feedback on this it was an immense session we packed so much practical advice into it for people and I did something extra special on this one that I have never done on any webinar in my entire

life and Lord knows I've done a few webinars so go on over there now loveif replay. is the link I'll see you over there that's only up for the next 48 hours all right thank you for listening to the love Life podcast as always and we'll see you next time bye [Music] everybody