breakups and self respect

hey guys welcome back for another episode I am sorry that I've been like missing an action for a couple of weeks it's because I've been in the process of getting out to New Zealand and like settling in why am I in New Zealand is the question that I keep getting asked like literally anytime I meet anybody they're like why are you here what on Earth is here for you good question nothing so three years ago I got my heart broken in a queer relationship which is the worst like women are deranged and evil and we

broke up and my heart was quite literally smashed into Smithereens and I was like you know what the only logical reaction to this feeling is for me to flee the country so I decided I was going to move to New Zealand and like start a new life like I had plans to change my name and like I was gonna wipe my phone of all my contacts like start a new life like I literally didn't even ever want to hear my name again and I'm really really grateful that now like I love my name I would

you couldn't pay me to change it and I love my life and I love everybody in it and it's just so it so it's had me thinking like wow I was in such a bad place and now I'm in an amazing place and my life is I feel like this is a religious word but it's like fruitful but I just love everything about where I am and what I'm doing and it's crazy because I thought I would be in this city like a couple years ago I thought when I got to the city that it

was going to be like a fresh start and I would still be so like traumatized and heartbroken but I was gonna get over it because I was here and I was away you know like they couldn't hurt me anymore and like now I'm here obviously a little bit later than I plan to be because it kept getting postponed because like there was just a bunch of things that happened in my life that meant I couldn't come here yet and now I'm finally here and I'm like if that girl if me three years ago could have

known how my situation would have actually looked when I got here like I don't even know what she would have done she would have probably literally [ __ ] her pants like on the spot like the fact that I never wanted to hear my own name again makes me so sad like my ex actually did a number on me but you know what forgiveness is key I'm really a harvest no anger no no there's a little bit of anger not anger but like distaste I would say like she's not very classy but it's not the

point and it's not important my point is is I have been thinking a lot about breakups once I've been here because I know it's just on my mind so I was thinking what got me through this breakup and I was literally walking back from coffee oh so I'm here with my friend I'm here with my friend and um we're going back from coffee this morning and we were saying like it's a shame that we are our best selves when we're traumatized and I was like that is so true and it's so disappointing when I got

broken up with um I went back to University and I lived kind of in the middle of nowhere when I went to UNI and I would go on these hot girl walks every day and I would put my my earphones in and I would go on these walks and I would repeat things to myself like out loud because I live in the middle of nowhere and they were like affirmations and like goals and intentions and stuff and I've never shared this I've never even shared this with a therapist before but this is what I used

to do I used to walk on these hot girl walks and I used to say out loud to myself I'm actually like shy to say this way I used to walk on these hot guy walks I say out loud right I cut my energy ties from me my name and then this other person's name and I cut their energy ties their name to my name right because I think that's just as important and then I would finish it with there is no longer any emotional ties between me and this person right and I would say

that over and over and over again on this walk like a two-hour walk and I would say it before I went to bed at night and I would say it when I woke up in the morning and I said there were so many things I used to say it wasn't just that but I think that was really what got me over this person because for me it wasn't just like a breakup it was like traumatizing it was like there was so many other things that happened and like so many there's just like abusive things that

that went down at the end of that relationship that just put me into shock I think I was honestly in in shock for like a year to the point where I could not see I feel like I couldn't see things that were close up like it was like my vision wasn't even there for like a whole year I don't know I don't know how I was to describe it like I remember one night oh my God this is so deep and personal oh well um one night I sat in my room by myself and I

literally have videos on this of my Snapchat because I was like stopping crying and I remember trying to explain to my friend I was like I feel like something happened and I feel like there was a glitch in The Matrix and I have been put in the wrong timeline because I was like there is no way that these people have done this to me I was like I thought I knew these people I thought they were my friends I thought this girl loved me like but it wasn't really it was more just like none of

their actions were things that I knew people were capable of doing like I was I was quite innocent and naive I suppose but I was like I didn't know people could be so cruel and I didn't know things like that happened in real life and I was sitting there and thinking these were people that I thought I felt so like secure around and they have done things that I just did not think that they would be capable of and I feel like I am in the wrong world and I was like I feel like there's

another Universe out there where my friends still exist and these people are still who I thought that they were and I feel like I was like they might miss me like that's so sad but I was like I think they miss me like I feel like my body's disappeared from that realm I was like I literally feel lost I feel like I am not in the same universe because the rules do not apply this is not the world that I understood that I lived in no one is behaving the way that I thought they would

behave I was like nothing makes sense these people have so deeply violated my trust and my understanding of the way that humans even behave I can't understand what's happening in my life and I I cannot come to terms with it that's the kind of trauma that's the kind of position I was in right at the time so that's why I was like I can never be around I was just like I can't be in this area anymore I can't be in this like I was in my hometown I was like I need to [ __

] leave this is [ __ ] terrible and there was just so much [ __ ] and I was like I it was the the worst time of my life it was a very difficult season and then I entered after the shock kind of subsided I went into like the most intense healing phase of my literal [ __ ] life oh my God I literally I was definitely difficult to deal with at this time but you know what's interesting is people first of all people don't like to see you heal it was on the island

during this time I think it's because it when you're healing yourself I think you kind of become a mirror for like a lot of people and most people do not want to look in a mirror I even I even know it now because I'm like when I leave phases of healing I when I see someone who's in that deep phase of healing mostly because it it reflects something that was not a fun time for me but I often feel a level of resentment towards people and I'm self-aware enough to know what that is but like

I often I'm like nervous to be around those people because it might dig up some unpleasant feelings and then I'm also like oh you're also pointing out to me that I'm not doing the work myself but like I said in another podcast I think sometimes it's good to not be doing the work I mean don't let it go on for too long but like what I do and I've noticed this recently is there's like Cycles right I'll be gravitated towards an unhealthy thing whether it's a relationship a person or just anything in my life procrastination

or like making bad career moves like anything whatever say I'm doing something that's not good for me or it's unhealthy whatever then I enter like a healing phase I'm like I'm done with this bad thing now but like that it didn't do me well so now I need to heal from it also I just spat as I write well now I need to heal from the way that I've just like done myself dirty for however long and then I go into this healing phase and then I just do that for a while and then I

burn out emotionally and then I stop healing all together because I'm like I'm emotionally burnt out and the only way to get out of that burnout is to indulge in an unhealthy thing again and then I'll indulge an unhealthy thing again and then I have to heal from an unhealthy thing again and then I heal and then I run out from healing and then I indulge again and it is a cycle that I [ __ ] you know I'm like trapped in and I noticed it happening because I was not in a healing phase of

my life like recently I was just like I was free balling to be completely honest with you and I was doing a lot of things that were unhealthy like not even directly unhealthy it was just like I was very aware that I was doing things that like were not in the spirit of growth shall we say or we're in the spirit of growth but like we're very much like this the purpose that they served was like relaxing because I'd burnt out and that was growth in itself because I remember one time I was listening to

Emma Chamberlain's podcast or no I think it was a YouTuber or something and she was like oh I've emotionally burnt out and I was talking to my dad about it and then she was saying um that he had said to her you burn out because you don't let yourself rest but you're always in bed he was like you're always not doing anything because you're so tired but you're not actually letting yourself enjoy doing nothing because you're so stressed about the fact that you're behind and you're not doing anything that all that time that you take

in bed relaxing stops being relaxing and actually the more of that kind of time you take the more stressed you become so actually what you'd find more relaxing is doing your [ __ ] work but you can't because you're burning yourself out and all this like time off is no longer time off because you're so stressed about the time that you're taking off so that's kind of how it is for me emotionally as well as well as a physical workload because I burn out all the [ __ ] time with that stuff like I think

I I'm yet to recover from University in terms of like workload burnout but I burn out emotionally all the time and then what I do is I like free ball and I'm like [ __ ] it let me just be an atrocious person not to anyone else like just to myself I'm like hey let me indulge in these unhealthy people and these unhealthy things um so that I get a bit of my mojo back I'm like I'm interested in growing again and it's actually not I mean I don't want to be in that cycle forever

I want consistency I crave a more consistent relationship with myself rather than diving head first into these deep periods of healing and then these deep self-destructive periods I intend to build a relationship with myself that is so much much more substantial for the long run and I can carry it through my life with me on my back on my shoulders rather than having it be like the only thing that is in my life at one time like I don't think my relationship with me with myself should ever be so awe-consuming that I can only focus

on that because that is not sustainable I really want to have a good steady relationship with myself that like always encompasses growth but never to the point where I'm exhausted with it and that a lot of making that possible means I have to start like forgiving myself for not being perfect and allowing myself to indulge in unhealthy things and then grow from them gently because like I tend to indulge in the worst thing ever and then grow from it astronomically deeply like I will sit in the bad feeling that the bad thing gave me for

so long until I am so sure that I've learned every possible lesson from it like my last relationship was so [ __ ] bad and I sat in the misery from it for so long um because I was so terrified that if I didn't learn every possible lesson that there was from it that Not only was I a bad person that it was going to happen again and then moving on from it I had to just like develop a trust in myself that like you made that mistake you made the mistake to trust someone who

wasn't worth trusting you're not gonna make that same level of mistake again and like also you're not a bad person if you make a mistake and you don't learn from it the first time you are literally just a person and like my mistakes frequently hurt no one but myself anyway but I feel like I actually had a genuine belief that I didn't deserve to take up space in the world unless I was earning that space by bettering myself which is bollocks like it's actually bollocks and I've just been reflecting on like the ways that I

used to be ever since I've been here because so much has changed and it's so interesting like I don't know it's just like it's a clear point of comparison for me of where I was then and where I am now just because this is a trip that like that version of myself planned for me you know what I mean I don't think this podcast has so far made a single bit of [ __ ] sense I am literally just trauma dumping but you know what I kind of like it also I've dropped my ring on

the floor I hate not wearing my rings oh also can you hear my lisp because I got a permanent retainer on the top of my teeth and I'm not loving it it makes my like there's so much air like what the [ __ ] I think I'm gonna get taken off I think I'm gonna have it in for like six months or a year or something and then get it taken off like once my teeth are like cozy in their new positions and promise not to shift so quickly I think I'll get the permanent one

taken out and just sleep in a retainer which I'm actually supposed to sleep in my nighttime routine anyway but I've not been I've not done it once I've literally not not put that Rotator in my mouth once since I got my wire put in because why would I like it I've got the wire in isn't that the whole [ __ ] point this cost me like 150 pounds for a small piece of wire I literally wanted to bite her hand off when she told me that um I got composite bonding I don't know if you

can tell um and I still haven't whitened the bottom teeth in my mouth so I don't want to [ __ ] hear it if you can see it clearly in this video because like when I post on Tech Talk use a little like Teeth Whitening thing and it kind of like evens my teeth out but then filming with this camera like there's no option for that so I just look [ __ ] crazy I don't mind that but sometimes I'm gonna like can people see it when I talk to them in real life like I

don't think they can but I am enjoying New Zealand like New Zealand um we went out for the first time I went with Daniel Rhodes who is on Tech talk and I'd seen him like pop up a few times and then people kept tagging me in his things and they were like he's in Auckland and I was like oh friend so then I dm'd him and I was like can we go out somewhere and um he took me out with his friends and I literally okay I don't know okay I did notice this when I

got here that New Zealand people are like nicer than English people it's kind of like the north of England on crack which as someone who is from like the South I'm just not used to it but um I wonder how long it was focused on my microphone for that's really fun isn't it I love that anyways um as someone who's from the south like it's a bit of a culture shock to have like walk into a shop and have someone be like hey how are you and I'm like I'm fine what's wrong um but we

went out with his friends and they were literally some of the nicest people I've ever met in my life like it's crazy like I often don't like nice people because I'm like what is wrong with you like sometimes people are just so overly nice that I'm like annoyed because I'm like this can't be real like why what are you doing like I know you like I know you're even exhausted talking like this right now like why are you being so nice to me and then there's people that aren't very nice and I dislike them equally

because I'm like well you're not very nice are you no and then there's genuine people which I feel like are very incredibly rare and it almost non-existent actually especially in London but they were just like this genuine group of people and I've it was like such a breath of fresh air to just be around I was like oh my God your friends are like human beings that is crazy I feel like I've not been around a lot of human beings lately I don't know I love my friends um but I rarely see them when I'm

in England because we don't live near each other anymore so what basically all my friends love up north because I met all my friends like all my good friends I met at Uni and we've all finished uni now so they've like [ __ ] off to like you know get careers and like apparently the north of England is like hot [ __ ] I don't know I don't know they're all in like Manchester and Liverpool and stuff which is [ __ ] disgusting because the train up there is like 80 to 90 pounds I don't

know why they think I'm made of money um but yeah so I never see my friends anymore but it was nice to hang out with his here they're really nice I don't know what my point was um anyway yeah in terms of breakups I am my best self when I'm a little bit traumatized but I haven't been traumatized in a long time and then recently I kind of felt a bit of it come back just like that same old feeling again I think just being here and like like thinking more about that version of myself

kind of brought back feelings the way that I felt when I was that version of myself and it is violently unpleasant but it gave me such a good appreciation for myself because I find it very easy I'm sure people have even seen me do this like you guys probably seen me do this I find it very easy to take the piss out of her she had no hair that was when I was bald was when I was really going through all this and I did have pretty bad skin as well because the stress broke me

out in acne and actually my whole body swelled up at one point which was really horrible like my lips were like three times the size my eyelids were three times the size like my whole face was just round it was literally just like a stress response I know the doctors never knew what it was they were like are you okay at the moment and I was like No And they were like okay it's probably just that then because like nothing's wrong with you and I was like sweet that is so sexy I've just dropped my

ring again anyway like I was bald I was that I had acne my whole body swelled up and like I always make fun of that version of me I'm like oh my God yeah I used to have no hair oh my God I had acne oh my God this that and the other like oh I was like so crazy I was so hard to deal with blah blah I hate myself for doing that a little bit because I'm like that version of me the the things that she did and what she fought for like are

now the the things that I live off fundamentally I would not exist without that version of myself and yes she went through it like yeah she was hard to be around she in fact she was nearly intolerable for anyone that wasn't me because she was so scared of everyone like I was literally like I cut you off if you like looked at me wrong because I was so terrified of being done dirty again and I didn't know I had no faith in myself to trust a person because I was like I had put my trust

in in some people and they'd hurt me so badly so I was like okay I clearly don't know how to pick them I can't have friends and I basically cut off everybody around me because I was like I don't know if you're trustworthy and I don't believe that I know how to tell and I'm too scared to have you in my life if you're not trustworthy so you have to go and that's basically just the way I acted for like a Solitude and a half and yeah I was like [ __ ] hard to be

around and yeah I was bored but like I got myself through the hardest season of My Life a season that I now look back on and think I have no idea how I did that like I forget it's easy to just look back on and discount it and it's very easy to remember that I woke up every day to that reality I woke up every morning for like a solid year and a half to that pain and grew and learned and very much conquered if you don't mind me saying like do you know what I

mean like it's so easy to make fun of her for being difficult and being too loud and being too bald but no actually like I owe her everything any success I'm seeing now is her I just have hair now and clear skin like she is her I am me like I owe her my literal life and I sit here and make fun of her who do I think I am like it's not fair and I really need to stop doing it especially because I think it's it's bad to make fun of past version of versions

of yourself because then you can't sit here and and know that future you has got your back because like if I'm laughing at me two years ago what's two years from now me doing about me now like I'm sure I'll look back and cringe and I I encourage that because that means you've you know matured but like I don't want to feel laughed at you know because like there's some moments in my life where I'll be crying and I'll be like or like something bad will happen and I'll imagine myself getting a hug from my

older self that doesn't exist yet and it comforts me but I can't do that if I laugh at my younger selves now because how do I know then that [ __ ] isn't laughing at me and I need to know that she's not so that I can [ __ ] survive because it's [ __ ] brutal out here so you know but also that's another thing I saw a [ __ ] what's her name not Caitlyn Jenner who's the pretty one brunette young Kirsten no Crystal no Caitlyn no anyway you guys know who I mean

young one and um she was basically saying that she keeps a picture of her baby self in her wallet to like encourage empathy and that is so smart I don't have a picture of my baby self but I really intend to get one and keep it with me all the time for some reason I only have empathy for six-year-old me and then it just gets really bad after that and I hate myself which I'm working on but and then I have empathy again when I get to about 16. and then it cuts out again till

I'd say now let's say I hate every version of myself in between but it's like I don't know what solicits me hating myself I think it like I think it's a lot about how much I perceive myself to have been innocent in that time in my life and how much I see myself have to have been acting off of pure intention and obviously I was very poor intended at six and seven and eight and nine and ten like I don't know where where my why my empathy drops out of myself also maybe it has some

correlation to how physically attractive I was okay not to call myself physically attractive at six but like I was a cute little six-year-old I still had a bit of chub on me I had a good haircut like a sweet little face then at seven I just dropped like 20 pounds which I mean I probably weighed 30 pounds seven so like that was concerning I stopped eating when I was seven which maybe I shouldn't say online but um my dad left and then I just uh went like this and I just would not eat for a

long time um I think it was just a stress response I don't know but I was very skinny and then and that actually do you know what though I think my metabolism just changed I think I just lost some baby chop because I never really gained weight again after that like I just remained a very skinny child until then I hit puberty and then obviously I became like an adult weight and I just looked more normal um but I was just like a scrawny little child oh my God also I was gonna post a tick

to talk about this and I still might but I was basically talking about how weird it is to grow up as an ugly kid and then not be perceived as ugly as an adult right I was thinking about this because there were two things I was thinking about I was thinking it is like a fundamental fact in my brain that I'm not attractive and it doesn't bug me I didn't grow up as like being perceived as attractive I was a funky looking child I was very very skinny and I hadn't grown into my eyes or

my mouth like I was one of those and I just wasn't like attractive I don't know like it doesn't really matter I was seven but like typically like kids at school wouldn't see me and be like oh my God she's proceeding right I mean what's funny is I was actually a model from the age of like two I think I started working when I was like two or some [ __ ] so technically I was but I did not know that that meant that I was considered to be an attractive child that sounds like such

a creepy thing to say but like I didn't know that modeling had connotations with that I just thought to be honest I think I thought everybody did it but like in my brain I just occasionally got the day off school which was like a slay and I'd get to go up to London with my mom and go into these like fancy buildings and I just thought like everyone had jobs as a kid I don't know really and I never thought I don't remember ever thinking about the fact that I did that [Music] um so yeah

again like I just was like I was kind of picked on for the way that I looked not really though like I was never really picked on in primary school but I definitely never had many friends like I played alone a lot like I would play alone at lunchtime and I would be really embarrassed about the fact that I was playing Alone um so I would run around in the playground and what I would do is I would look over my shoulder to like make it look like someone was chasing me so that the the

teachers who were like on playground Duty wouldn't worry about me and be like oh bless her she's got no friends so I just run around by myself and then occasionally just like hide out in the toilets uh I saw this one um Coming one of my tick tocks and it was like um oh my God I bet you were like really popular in primary school and I was like babe new but like I was never really but I actually know I was bullied at one point by this really nasty girl who has like three children

now so that she actually [ __ ] you Emma but like anyways she really believed me I remember one day she cornered me so basically what I had said and this is [ __ ] funny this is like if you've seen Big Mouth this gives like Lola energy I had said that my dad lived in a manner a manner I don't know if Americans use this word a manner in the UK is like a really big old house I was like yeah my dad lives in a manner blah he just moved out him my mom

just broken up yeah he lives in a manner now he's got a manner and this girl was like no the [ __ ] he doesn't he's [ __ ] poor your dad sucks and I was like that is not true she said yeah [ __ ] is and then she chased me around like she was not my friend like it wasn't even a playful thing she like chased me around cornered me with her little Posse of [ __ ] girls cornered me in the playground and was like your dad doesn't have a man at and

I was like yeah he does and in all fairness he did live in a manner granted he lived in the Attic of an old man's manor house he did still live in a manner do I mean and I'd go there on the weekends did I sleep on the sofa yes was it a studio attic yes it's not the [ __ ] point there was it he did live in a manner [ __ ] I am gonna rough your child up Emma honest to God you shouldn't have like created vulnerable things in this world because I'm

still here and to be honest I'm not much bigger than them so it will be a fair fight anyways so yeah no I was bullied at school to to conclude but not not really like I you know how some kids go through school and they are consistently picked on I was not one of those kids this girl just had a personal issue with me I don't know why um oh my God and then this other girl believed me but you know what this is always [ __ ] me off because she maintains to this day

that I bullied her and I God it pisses me off so much so I was a tiny tiny tie this is in year three and I had one friend and I barely had one friend because I was so painfully shy I could not speak to anyone and this one friend that I had was my like Communicator basically I would like whisper things in her ear and she would communicate with anyone that I wanted to speak to and as we started to get a bit older I think she started to be like okay you're not much

fun and she made friends with this other girl who also thought I was a bit weird because I didn't [ __ ] speak which is so ironic now but I never spoke and so they kind of like went off them too and I was already feeling a bit like oh my God I'm losing my friends because I can't [ __ ] socialize and this girl she starts to pick on me and I remember the first thing she like ever said to me was like um your hair is really naughty and I was like okay sag

whatever and then um she like pushed me we were doing the um what's called The Nativity we're both angels we were still in the back and I stood next to her and she looked very gently just went like this and then glared at me and I was like that was wildly uncalled for and there must have been a bunch of other stuff that went on because I remember do you remember there's like adverts and those like things that would go on when you were a kid and it was like tell an adult if you're being

bullied like you have to tell someone you have to tell your parent you have to tell a teacher I took that very literally so I was like oh my God I'm being bullied and I have to tell an adult so I went home one day and I sat on the kitchen counter with my mum and I was like mum I am being bullied at school and I was crying and she was like by who and then I told her the name and she was like no [ __ ] way so she went into the school

and she like complained about it and we had this really [ __ ] teacher at the time who did [ __ ] all about it and then I ended up leaving the school for like another reason but this was all in like the same few months I ended up leaving the school and I was like clearing out my draw she comes up to me this this kid and she's like it's gonna be way nicer once you're gone and I was like you are kicking someone who is already on the ground not nice I ended up

returning to that school and didn't really have any issues with this girl we went to the same secondary school never thought anything of I just ignored her she's a bit scary actually she's I can very much imagine her murdering me with a smile on her face because I was actually kind of sad like I think something she's like a robot it's terrifying I'm not even gonna talk about it because it actually makes party sad for her but we went to a we were at the same secondary school we had some mutual friends and I remember

she one day someone gets back to me and they're like oh yeah she says that you bullied her during school and I was like said [ __ ] what and she apparently genuinely believed that I bullied her and I think it's one of those things where your parent tells you a different narrative than what actually happened and you make it you just think that's genuinely what happened in her head I think that's what happened but like it's so weird like she actually thinks that I picked on her anyway like that pisses me off and it's

one of those things it's like I can't even remember year three so like you're kind of actually gaslighting me about this but knowing myself especially knowing me when I was seven I was picking on nobody granted I couldn't speak because I was actually a Selective mute so I'm just gonna like take a shot in the dark and say that it may have been the other way around especially since you were known for being the class bully but you know I could be wrong so I will put my hands up and say you know I actually

have no conscious memory of that year of my life but again I was a mute so I would take my chances and say that you would indeed did bully me but it's whatever it's whatever anyways um but yeah what the [ __ ] was my point I was bullied at school um did I even have a point I don't know anyway I ended up moving to another school and um I then did actually pick on a girl I did actually pick on a God that wasn't very nice of me I picked on a girl I

called her a funny name and um told her that she was stupid because she didn't know that there was 60 seconds in a minute I've talked about this before she didn't know that there was 60 seconds in a minute that there were 100 seconds in a minute and I absolutely simply had to set her straight and then her mum was like you're bullying my daughter and I was like I don't think so I don't think so um and then there was something else that happened I think I it was there was a hundred seconds in

a minute and there was something else I think she didn't know her ABCs it was basically so I don't know how to describe this some people are gonna know exactly what I'm talking about Steiner schools Steiner Schools Montessori schools and state schools of three very very different things this school was a mix of Steiner and Montessori so we actually built the School from the ground up when I went to this school it's a low primary school and everything in Montessori and Steiner is made from wood [ __ ] everything right and um everything's at a

weird angle you don't really have right angles it's very weird and the idea behind it is that children learn through play and creativity and one of the things that hinders creativity is like for example learning to read or write or or do maths and everything is taught through story and through Explorations so a lot of our school was made up of like farm work and like outdoor play and just like creative things but I had moved there from like a state school so I could read and write and and do all these things but none

of the kids could at this school because we were still like seven which was right about when you start to learn so they were right at the beginning of like maths and geography and everything like that they were right at the beginning and I was like three years ahead and I was like guys I don't know if you know but like you're actually really [ __ ] stupid like I hate to inform you but coloring in geography Maps um and so I think I picked on her a bit for that this girl but I it

well our class was I think there was six people in my entire class and I think there were 20 people in the entire school and there were like four teachers and we had a farm and we built the School from the ground up um it was very it was a very old experience I actually got kicked out of that school because I thought everyone was stupid and in all fairness they were a lot stupider than me because I am somewhat of a genius myself but also like I in year seven sorry no in year three

when you're seven years old in England I think you're like doing fractions and stuff and then I went to the school and they were like right so this is how you count from zero to ten like that's because they just don't believe in teaching kids any sooner which honestly I think is great because most of my kids who did that most of my kids what the [ __ ] most of my friends who did that kind of schooling they did it like the whole way through so like they went through sick form even in that

kind of school they came out just as good as anyone else sometimes some of them not so much but like some of them came out fine but yeah no I left that and I went back to State education like a [ __ ] quick and I never went back to Steiner or Montessori or did I go back to Steiner no never went backsteiner um Stein school is cool I think it suits certain people and certain people not so much but I remember what shocked me was um I was like 16 and a lot of my

friends went to Steiner School and I was just like oh no no I was 18. I think I was dating a girl who'd been in Stein school or she was in Stein school or some some [ __ ] like that my mom went to Stein school and was um like her whole life and she went to a boarding school starting school so she raised me in like a bit of a steinery way so it was nothing foreign to me but I went to a state secondary school where the teachers will quite gladly yell at a

13 year old girl at 6 45 in the morning do you know what I mean um very different Vibes anyways so I was kind of indoctrinated and very used to grown men getting up in my [ __ ] and screaming at me and calling me useless and you know what I would give it just as good as I got it I had no problem but and in fact I would have been bored without that I was very well suited to the state school lifestyle it thrilled me um but then I went back to a Steiner

School with my ex who was attending it and I remember walking round and there was a group of boys I think they were 9 or 10 years old and they were running around and they all have different timed breaks so that they can really experience the playground and it's not terrifying for the younger kids to suddenly be like engulfed by a thousand bigger kids very nice very considerate these kids are playing outside with their teacher and they're explaining the rules of their imaginary game to her they're like 10 years old maybe a bit older maybe

11 they might have been year sevens because let me tell you I have had year sevens try and deal drugs to me and these ones are like Miss come play our game you're the [ __ ] like it's insane the trust the love and then I went back to my um my secondary school where there was I'd gone to pick up my like artwork or something my portfolio I don't know why I was there I'd gone to pick something up and I walked through one of our small corridors by pe if you go to that

school right you know that PE boys locker room it's like the dingiest hallway ever and there was a teacher there and he had a year eight or year seven boy pinned against the [ __ ] wall this child had his head flat on the wall and this grown man was in somebody's son's face at 7 30 in the Lord's good morning screaming in his face I don't even know what about I assume this boy had like spoken over him in class or something and for the first time it hit me and I was like this

is mental this is unacceptable Behavior how can you as an adult right I thought maybe I'd understand it when I grew up as a kid at the scores I I'll get it when I grow up no no as an adult nothing could possess me that would make me scream at another child again I'm not a teacher so I don't know but I did work at a summer camp and I took care of 15 13 year old girls for six consecutive weeks eight slept and breathed with these children and not once did I raise my voice

I might have raised my voice a few times actually they could probably call me out on that I did maybe maybe maybe maybe I was a bit of a [ __ ] [ __ ] sometimes but I was more of a [ __ ] in morals rather than getting up in their face and screaming at them and if anyone else had gotten up in their faces and screamed at them I would have not been pleased I don't think I'd have done anything to be honest I probably would have said fair enough but I wouldn't have

been pleased and I was just thinking like God it's actually insane no but on an actual level it is actually insane State schools treat children like cattle it's whoa it's disgusting and that was the first time I noticed it and I was like you know what I probably shouldn't have got myself kicked out of that Montessori school because they were quite nice to me over there but they were far too nice to me and I just thought they were all [ __ ] and it pissed me off so I got myself kicked out at seven

years old anyways I have nothing else to say I don't think a single thing I've said in this podcast has been cohesive with the point I made before or after it or made a single semblance of sense I have just trauma dumped and then talked about school okay that's it from me I'm gonna go and I love you guys and I'll see you soon did I even say that I'm in New Zealand I'm in New Zealand I'll be back for Christmas though because I'll be [ __ ] if I miss winter wonderland that [ __

] is my favorite event of the year I look forward to it all year and I've already missed bonfire night and I'm not pleased so I'll be back for winter wonderland I love that [ __ ] like I know what it is but put me in a balaclava which I ordered one especially for the event a furry green one green a flowy green one oh I ordered a fairy green balaclava from weekday they sent it in pink and I spat with anger but I have since sent it back with a slightly strongly worded note attached

and asked kindly for a green one and I'm gonna get some mittens I'm gonna find a big fat coat and I'm gonna get drunk and I'm gonna go to winterland I'm gonna purchase a churro the only thing is who am I gonna go with that's up in the air I've never been taken to Winter Wonderland um by someone that I that I fancy and it's just another another wasted year really isn't it anyways I'm gonna go I love you guys so much and I will speak to you next week because we're back now I've got

here I'm here now and that's all that matters did I bring my hard drive oh no oh no I don't think I did all right well anyways I love you I'll speak to you soon bye