The SURPRISING Reason Why Being NICE LEADS TO REJECTION | Marisa Peer

the thing that is the sexiest thing in the world is confidence confidence is really sexy needy people who find each other really happy he's like i need you i need you i can't live without you i can't live without you i can't be on my own come with me that works because there's the balance you meet my needs i meet your needs but when one person is needy they always are the loser because the other person doesn't understand and so the problem is you have to think why am i doing this you know what what

am i doing this for and look at that and if you want your needs met you need to say to your partner listen these are my needs [Music] so i often get letters from people saying where can i find love how do i find love and people think love is something to be run after to be chased after to be earned if you will have this belief i've got to work for love i've got to earn love i've got to find someone who doesn't appear to really love me and then work really hard to show

them how amazing i've got to chase after them make an effort and that's not true you see love should make you feel really good about you and if your feeling is i feel really good about them i got this great girl this great guy but i don't feel good enough and i've got to work to make them love me that's a mistake so whenever you're with anyone i want you to ask yourself one question how do i feel about myself when i'm with this girl this guy this man this one if the answer is i

don't feel good enough that's not the person for you i want you to imagine you're the stone and they're the setting and their job is to make you sparkle your job is not to make them sparkle and when you try to earn love work for love pursue love run after love it kind of runs away so if you want to find phenomenal love here's the only thing you have to do believe you are lovable that's it because you see you can only love someone to the degree that you love yourself and they can only love

you to the degree that they love themselves and if all your energy is show me you love me prove you love me make me feel you love me because i don't feel lovable that doesn't work it's not your partner's job to make you feel lovable it's your job so so many women try to change their body their weight their shape they get new outfits they get their hair done they try to change all this external stuff maybe even having surgery to feel lovable and men too buy nicer clothes try to get some status symbols to

go look at me unlovable you don't have to change your weight shape size outfit hair color even your teeth color to find love you have to believe that you are lovable when you know with conviction that you are lovable worthy of love deserving of love then you'll attract it and maintain it and then you're in that wonderful flow where you get love and the more love you get the more you give back and you're in this flow of giving and receiving love is a bit like breathing so let's do this now breathe out that's giving

breathe in that's receiving so just give and receive a breath breathe in breathe out feels kind of balanced but now try the other way just give just keep breathing out that's it keep giving giving giving giving but don't breathe in don't take a breath doesn't that feel weird that energy just giving giving trying to give what you want to get and now do the opposite take so breathe in and keep taking taking taking taking don't breathe out and that feels kind of weird too i'm just taking love i'm letting someone give to me but i'm

not giving back so nature requires balance the best relationships have balance you have to give and receive love the way you give and receive breath it has to be equal if you think that person is better than you it won't work if you think they're not good enough for you it also won't work fall in love with yourself you have to earn love you got to work for love my mom was mean now i've got this mean girlfriend i recognize that it's very familiar so i feel quite secure in here and i'm going to try

now to change the ending i'm going to find someone who reminds me of my mum i'm going to turn her into a pussycat but you see trying to change the ending is a mistake change the beginning find someone who's nothing like your mom and women do the same this is my dad always put me down always criticize me and i find men that put me down and criticize me and i keep trying to make them nice again trying to change the ending when you should be changing the beginning you should be saying oh you remind

me of my dad i'm out of here who wants to date their father after all i'm going to find someone who doesn't remind me of my dad so there are certainly people who are put off by niceness because niceness says please love me please like me it's like the child who goes to school and goes will you be my friend if i give you all my toys will you play with me the other kids don't like that they go oh no you have that needy energy i need you to be my friend and what kids

love is here i am you want to be my friend it's great i'll be your friend and you're lucky that we're each other's friends when you try and earn it it doesn't work because how can you be too nice but i think you have the energy of trying to give them what you want to get back so that's very common i want love i want affection i want real care why don't i give it all to you with the belief you'll give it back but a lot of people just take it the more you give

the more they take and the more they expect you to give when you give that much it becomes your identity it's like if you clean the house every night you own that job your partner won't do it when you do something enough it has your name on it so when you're the giver give a giver the other person doesn't go well it's my turn to give the girl will you give i receive that the energy of our relationship you pay and i let myself be paid for there are lots of different energies don't change them

change you look at what you're doing what's behind being nice wanting someone to really love you but you have to love you first it's not about them it's about you if if every guy you find is the same no point in changing them change you because here's the thing women always say i was in a relationship wasteland for three years no guy i met a guy and within two months four other guys asked me out because now you have the energy i'm desirable i'm lovable someone wants me we like people who other people like we

want people who other people want the most popular kid in school everybody wants to be their friend just because everyone likes them doesn't mean they're particularly great and fashion does that we want really what everyone else wants so stop trying to change them and change you look at why am i being nice is that because i'm a nice person sure but is it also because i'm giving what i want to get back absolutely so it gives a lot of that to yourself it's like let's say i want someone to pay for me i want someone

to take me out and buy me stuff so i'm going to take them out and buy them stuff i want someone to buy me a dinner so i'll buy everyone dinner that may work but in a relationship it often doesn't it's very true if you want someone to give you a lovely gift then give them a gift wrap it up give them a nice gift they may return it but if you keep giving gifts and they never return it don't give this bill any more gifts go to someone else that will return the gift phrase

yourself be nice to yourself look in the mirror and go i'm a great person maybe i'm not a size 10 but i'm kind i'm warm and funny i've got beautiful eyes whatever it is you want to say when you fall in love with yourself it's so easy for someone else to fall in love with you do you wouldn't do the opposite oh no guys gonna like me i've got fat legs i got three kids i don't have an interesting job i've got nothing to offer when you start to say that you believe it when you

believe it people around you believe it too so fall in love with yourself that's the quickest way to attract lasting love that goes the distance [Music]