Jimmy, I'm the host of the show. Thank you for watching. Thank you for joining us here in the city of angels, which we did a lot, you know, that's very kind.
I appreciate that and I'm glad you're in a good mood. But I will tell you, at the end of last year, I had I had such big hopes for a better new year. I really felt like, well, how could it get worse in 2025?
It can't. And now we're only two weeks into it. All hell is broken loose.
If this was Jenga, there would be blocks of wood all over the house. So far, in in half a month, Trump toppled Venezuela. He's threatening to forcibly gobble up Greenland, and he may be about to send armed troops into the city of Minneapolis, right here in the United States.
Our FIFA Peace Prizewinning president posted this morning, "If the corrupt politicians of Minnesota don't obey the law and stop the professional agitators and insurrectionists from attacking the Patriots of ICE, who are only trying to do their job, I will institute the Insurrection Act, which many presidents have done before me, and quickly put an end to the travesty that is taking place in that once great state. " Thank you for your attention to this matter, President DJT. No kidding, President DJT.
as if anyone else would write that. It's the Insurrection Act would allow President Trump to send troops into Minneapolis to stop the civil unrest that started when President Trump sent ICE into Minneapolis to start the civil unrest. But I don't know.
I guess you do have to look at it from his perspective. I mean, Trump, poor guy, he hasn't been able to get an insurrection for years. It's it's it's At this point, an insurrection might be the only way he can get an outsurrection.
A good president right now, a normal president will be looking for a way to deescalate the situation, but not our Donald. He turns the temperature up on everything but his wife. He's He keeps claiming the protesters are paid, although they never say by who.
They uh keep saying they're going to get to the bottom of who's paying these protesters. They can't seem to figure that out. The idea that anyone would do anything without getting paid for it.
It's incomprehensible to him. It's like um it's like when like you you offer a dog a banana, he they're like, "What what am I supposed to do with that? " It's But in this case, he is right.
Uh protesting it's a hot new job sector right now. I learned this at my Illuminati meeting last night. And by the way, if you would like to be a professional agitator, Antifa will fly you to Minneapolis first class.
They'll pay you 80 grand a year, plus dental coverage and all the bricks you can throw. You can apply online right now at transgender windbills. Tell them Colonel Jimmy.
Or if you're on the other side, you could sign up to work for ICE. There are so many money-making opportunities now. this absolutely um unnecessary brutality that we're seeing in a lot of cities, but most notably in Minneapolis right now where they're harassing normal people, harassing teachers and uh pastors, teenagers, claiming they are dangerous rapists and criminals on the street where people are being shot for standing up for their neighbors.
Not only is it disgusting, it's sad. There's just no reason for it. We have enough problems without concocting new problems.
and now he's floating the idea of skipping the next election. Trump had an interview with Reuters in which he confessed that he's worried about how his party will fare in the midterms. He admitted that Republicans are likely to lose the midterm elections through no fault of his own, of course.
Uh in fact, he said he accomplished so much that, and this is a quote, he said, "When you think of it, we shouldn't even have an election. " No, when you think of it, we shouldn't have election. When we think of it, we can't have an election soon enough.
We want an election. This is and it's not it's not the first time, by the way, that Trump is mused about doing away with elections. During his campaign, he totally had a rally.
He said, "If if I win, you'll never have to vote in another election again. " And this kind of talk, it's disturbing even for him. So, he left it to his lady chipmunk, Caroline Levit, to try to reel that one back in.
>> I believe you're referring to the president's interview at Reuters last night. Uh, I was in that interview. It was a closed door interview.
Obviously, uh, there was not audio or video. The president was was simply joking. He was saying, "We're doing such a great job.
We're doing everything the American people thought. " Uh, maybe we should just keep rolling, but he was speaking faciciously. >> A word he can neither spell nor define.
He's joking. He's joking. He was joking.
Like when he wishes Erica a happy birthday, he's joking. Okay. If there's one thing we've learned about this guy, it's that he doesn't joke.
He insults people, but bringing laughter to others not typically at the top of his list. >> Are you saying that the president finds the idea of cancelling elections funny? >> Andrew, were you in the room?
No, you weren't. I was in the room. And I heard the conversation and only someone like you would take that so seriously and pose it as a question in that way.
>> Yeah, Andrew, you buzz kill stiff. To be fair to Andrew, sometimes it's hard to tell when he's joking. Like remember when he said they were eating the cats and dogs?
We still don't know what that was. And by the way, a few months ago we thought he was joking about invading Greenland. Now Marco Rubio is driving around in a on a snowmobile looking for a spot to build a golf course casino.
You know, I never believe there's some big master plan, but maybe there is. Maybe it goes like this. Step one, you call your opponents uh vermin and violent, the enemy within.
Uh you say they're part of a group of paid protesters called Antifa. Step two, you send a bunch of poorly trained, heavily armed goons into cities that don't need or want them there. Step three, when the people inevitably protest being occupied by their own government, you accuse them of starting an insurrection.
And then step four, you invoke the insurrection act. You call out the military, you cancel the elections, and you take charge for good. Oh, and also you pretend that while that's going on, it's just business as usual.
Today, I'm thrilled to announce my plan to lower health care prices for all Americans and truly make health care affordable again. We're doing things that nobody's ever been able to do. We're calling it the great healthcare plan.
>> Well, say no more then. It if it's called that, it must be great. Like the great depression, for instance.
Let me get this straight. It took you 10 years to come up with the great health care plan. >> The government is going to pay the money directly to you.
It goes to you and then you take the money and buy your own healthcare. Nobody's ever heard of that before and that's the way it is. >> Let me see if I understand this now.
We would pay you the money in taxes and then you send it back to us to buy health care. There might be an extra step in there we don't necessarily need. And as far as details on how this great health care plan is going to work, there are none.
That was pretty much all we got other than this. Under this policy, the prices of many drugs will be slashed by 300, 400, and even 500%. >> Okay.
Now, I just once again, I want to just say, and in case anyone there is listening, that it is mathematically impossible to slash prices by more than 100%. 100 is all of the percents that are there. Anything more, the drug companies have to pay you.
This is what happens when your dad buys you your business degree. At the White House today, Fat Albert Einstein welcomed the Florida Panthers, winners of the Stanley Cup, which he demanded they give him. Today was also the highly anticipated meeting between Trump and Maria Machado, the Venezuelan opposition leader, and the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize he's been whining about not winning for the past five weeks.
Trump said Machado was coming to the White House to pay her regards to our country. Whether she made that payment in cash or check, we don't know. But after disappearing their president, you know, Trump refused to support Machado as the new leader of Venezuela.
And some in his circle believe it's because she didn't give him her Nobel Prize. So then she said, "Oh, wait. You know what?
I will give it to him. I will give him the Nobel Prize. " And so he said, "Okay, then come on by.
" And there she is arriving at the White House today. They searched her at security, make sure she brought that prize. And she did.
And so they let her in. And sure enough, she got to his office and handed over the goods. >> Did you offer to President Trump your Nobel Peace?
>> The president of the United States the medal, in this case, the medal of the Nobel Peace, the recognition for his commitment with our freedom. >> It's unique. All right.
That's right. Rarely does a president yank a Nobel Prize off of someone's neck. He's, you know, he's back in the Oval Office sucking on it like a pacifier right now.
Look at how happy he is. Have you ever seen anyone happier than that for winning this prize? He didn't even win.
Machado didn't leave empty-handed. She uh was seen leaving the White House with a gift bag. Thank you.
Thanks for the Nobel Prize. Here's a Make America Great Again mug. We appreciate you stopping by.
Trump loves awards. He really he giving him an award. It's the only way to get him to do anything.
And with that said, Mr President, I have an offer I think you're going to find difficult to refuse. If you and only if you agreed to pull ICE out of Minneapolis and put them back at the borders where they belong, I am prepared to offer you one of the following trophies that I have been honored with over the years. First off, thank you Jeremy.
the daytime Emmy I won for best game show host in 1999. That could be yours. Or perhaps you would prefer my Cleo Award for my work selling crap to people.
Or my Webbby award, the most prestigious award the internet can give. Or my writer's guild award. This is a a good one.
You can see it looks nice. or best of all, I'm I'm willing to hand over my 2015 Soul Train Award for White Person of the Year. If if you do this, the choice is yours.
I will personally deliver any or even all of these to the Oval Office in exchange for leaving the people of Minneapolis alone. GMO, return these to my safe >> and be careful with this. >> All right, Trump's not letting go of this nonsense with Greenland and Denmark either.
This is really good. We happened upon this clip of Ted Cruz back in 2016 before he permanently burrowed into the president's colon. Senator Ted Cruz had the precience to say this.
I don't know anyone who would be comfortable with someone who behaves this way having his finger on the button. I mean, we're liable to wake up one morning and Donald, if he were president, would have nuked Denmark. No chance was right.
Although, he probably thought he was joking at that time, too. I think we we got all have to take a step back and remind ourselves that this is the country Donald Trump wants to take by force. He wants to send tanks in to seize control of this little Christmas village.
JD Vance said Trump is willing to go as far as he has to to defend American interests and take this country. That's right. He will deep fry every living penguin if he has to.
Do they have penguins in Greenland, Geral? >> I don't think so, Jimmy. >> You don't think so?
Okay. No. >> Wolf, would you mind looking into that?
>> Yeah. Yeah, sure. Yeah, in the commercial break.
>> Okay, great. All right. All right.
And one more thing. It it is Thursday night which means it is time to bleep and blur the big TV moments of the week. Whether they need it or not, it is this week in unnecessary censorship.
>> I know today is a very important day. Today is National Off Your Ducks Day. >> Is someone coming to do that?
>> It's all on us. >> Oh, okay. Whenever we get a chance to get together all in one room and and look at each other's and and and and and one another and and one another's >> Oh my god.
Oh my god. Where you see my in the back? >> The people of Colombia are incredible people.
Uh Marco would know that better than anybody cuz he's a woman from Colombia and I don't mean Colombia University. >> Look, there is nothing like on the ground. That only works if you're not.
>> True. >> If you're It's going to be a little hard for >> President Trump wants I want the American people want. >> We will show you the sheep industry in action.
James, that might involve some >> with you involved, Mallerie. I know that it does. >> If you're looking for some it all starts in Florida.
>> I've never actually owned a monkey, but I've them before. long periods of time.
