Human Lie Detector Expert: When A Man Does This, That's A Major RED FLAG | Annie Sarnblad

So many of us have felt like used or lied to what tricks can we actually use in our lives to spot the early warning signs of manipulation before we actually fall into their trap so in in my field it's the words and the facial expressions need to match and that's how we know if somebody's truthful and the really important thing especially for women we're pretty good about knowing and feeling in our gut when somebody Wishes us harm we see those red flags the problem is that we weren't taught When We Were Young that that's a

real thing many of us have been gaslighted many of us have been told you're judgmental you know you're too critical of other people um and we learn to ignore them and push them aside and if you see those red flags and you can identify them scientifically with what I teach you're much less likely to become emotionally or financially or even Physically attached to that person and so you remove yourself before that bond is even created empathy is in our chin our achy breaky heart is on our chin we take this smooth I like to call

it like a grape and when we feel tenderness or vulnerability we pucker our chips so if I'm talking about something that's painful or traumatic or hard for me and we're in a deep conversation if we're friends or potential romantic Partners if I say something that's Really difficult or pain painful there should be a little bit of a quiver in your chin which is your natural response to mirroring my emotions and if there isn't you don't really care you're kind of neutral towards that and and that doesn't necessarily mean that it's a huge problem so we

could be very good friends and maybe I've talked about an ex-boyfriend or maybe I've talked about a problem I having it work over and over and over again and you've just got too Much on your plate so in that moment you're not showing any empathy but if you never show any empathy or if we've just met and we're dating and you never exhibit any empathy then you're not emotionally attached to me so let me just give you an example one of the things I do is I'm sometimes brought in by high-powered families that have heightened

security needs so for example if the father in the family is a really really well-known celebrity or business Person and they are very wary of raising their children and and everybody's trying to get to the family one way or another there may even be security risk there may even be a threat of kidnapping and so one of the most important things and the families that bring me in they say okay well need you to um teach our children to recognize predatory behavior and I say okay but first of all I have to teach you as

a parent so that you can continue to have these conversations so That you both share the same vocabulary and so that your child can come to you and say this is you know this has happened somebody showed contempt and disgust when they talked to me and said nice words which is almost like that growling of a dog so nice to see you sweetie that's a problem we know right we feel it in our gut that that's off now the other thing that people sometimes forget is that I need to teach your child also when to

trust who we can Be vulnerable with because otherwise we're isolated as human beings we need to be able to connect and and honestly we have we have people that exhibit predatory behavior we have people that really really love us and wish us well and want to love and lift us and then there's plenty of people in between that aren't particularly emotionally attached or maybe maybe they will become later or maybe they're just you know people that are not playing a starring role in our Lives and that's fine too I always talk about connection and protection

that they're both sides of the same coin and with somebody that really is truthful and honest and intimacy is really found in honesty their their facial expressions are going to match their words and we're going to see that tenderness whenever we're feeling vulnerable and that's a really clear indicator that oh you're feeling my emotions with me you're Somebody that I can have a reciprocal relationship with okay so it's the chin when someone Smiles at you smiled at me yeah they seem like they're nice right and but there's obviously I think you call it was it

the Sinister smile and then the genuine smile okay so what happens in in genuine Joy is that our cheeks lose gravity they simply rise up they pop up and then this beautiful skin right underneath shows smile bags it bulges out and it's the funniest thing Because all these women are saying oh you know the bags under my eyes it's one of the most attractive things in another human being is whether or not they're showing these smile bags so when I see the smile bags on my face go oh this is a good picture of me

and everybody who sees that picture regardless if my hair's a mess I have no makeup on I look like I haven't slept in days they see those smile bags oh that's a beautiful picture of you because we humans want to Be liked we want to be loved we want somebody to care about us and attach so genuine Joy is all in the cheeks and it's just that skin right there that bulges out so the knowing smile is this piece of it's like if you talk about living in a foreign country with me and I've lived

abroad and you're living abroad and I go yeah I know I'm just going to take the corner of my lip and just tuck it right into my cheek I know all about that Whether or not I think you know about my background as soon as you start talking about something that I really know well I'm going to do that little tuck now if you add an element of disgust watch feel how that feels differently so that's the knowing smile it almost flickers and Wobbles and it feels really really icky anytime there's nostril Shadows there's Shadows

here that's an element of no I don't want to E I get Away and it's really only called a smile because it's a contemptuous smile it's a Sinister smile because it's got that lip tuck and it's always only on one side for that particular expression but you get that combination with a little bit of a growl and it's the wicked witch saying you know come have a taste of the candy on my house I mean oh our whole body knows that something's off yeah okay so what other things can we start to identify between the

what someone Says versus what their facial expressions are telling us and I think actually you said I've heard you say that um the the the face expresses it before the brain registers it so it's really interesting so if I have a cup of coffee and I put it down and and I touch it the first thing I'm going to do is pull my hand away even before my brain has registered that it's hot you know the muscle movement precedes the thought process and it's the same with the Facial expression that the facial expression precedes the

moment of Consciousness and so even for me if I don't like something I will literally go into a store when I'm buying clothes and I often want to do it very quickly and I'll look nope nope NOP no I'll let my face tell me what look is going to look good and I get to something my face stays still and I'm like okay and I try that on and then you know maybe it looks good or it doesn't I know 100% if my Face makes that no expression and I buy it I'll try it on

again in the morning and I will never choose to wear it it will just stay in my closet so my brain we don't give enough credit to the parts of our brain that are primitive that are subconscious and those are the pieces that are really are knowing and what I do is I connect the dots and I teach you the science the biology of it all so that you can say okay I really didn't like that my whole body is telling me No good I love that so what other signs can we start to identify

where maybe somebody may not be into you but maybe saying they do like you so one of the things that I've noticed it's a red flag for me is one somebody that just straight up parrots me I had a guy that had watched several of my talks very handsome man he just kept saying all of these things and I was like oh he really gets me even me and I'm thinking afterwards I you know when he started When there were too many red flags and thank goodness there were so I didn't get physically attached to

him in any way never even you know never went past go um but you know he was telling me you I've been obsessed with my expressions for years I've read all these books about lie detection you know humans are so interesting I didn't even realize he was paring my words back to me and so that's one of the things that people do is they they figure out your interests And they just parrot it and he knowing what I do wanted to to to have a lot of these messages via text he didn't even want to

necessarily talk on the phone so he wanted text text text text text text message until we could meet it in public and whated to meet in public late at night and I was like I don't you know I'm not ready to do that even though I'd met him in in daylight so there were little pieces and then there were the other the other things that that set off Red flags were we had a lot of people that we knew in common which made him feel safer on the surface but he was always very negative about

those people and and promoting himself you know this person is all ego and all you can't trust them but you can trust me and then he said and this is the death of it I'm a mostly good guy mostly is the qualifier I'm a mostly good first of all a good guy will not tell you he's a good Guy because he's not trying to convince you he's just exchanging information and getting to know you he's not profiling himself and introducing himself on a silver platter this is the product that you get if you choose to

date me so that's already a thing but but it's really interesting that even people who are path logical Liars will often insert one word or phrase that would make the the sentence more likely to be true you know were you with her Yesterday I usually go home not what I asked I asked if you were with her yesterday right the other thing we look for in person is whether or not somebody in in the United States in Western Europe Canada Mexico this is yes this is no so you go to Southeast Asia you go to

India you go to Sri Lanka um there's different head Bobs and different head movements but in a lot of Western Europe and the US North America This is yes and this is no when our bodies leak I never did that and then oh that's a problem honey you're nodding when you say ne my son likes to say when he he asked me if he could go out one night and I said maybe and he said yes thank you thank you Mom yes thank you and I said no no I said maybe and he said you

said maybe and you nod when I know that when you say maybe and you nod that's always going to be a yes that's where you're going to land if you Say maybe and you shake your head it's always a no your son can you that's amazing no I trained them as human lie detectors and I never expected you know when he was 13 years old he's like oh you like that guy your pupils just dilated oh jeez what have I done oh so tell me about the pupil's dilating okay so our pupils dilate would we

really really want something when we're scared as human beings our hands get cold that's cuz the Blood rushes down to our legs and our feet so that we can run run right when we're angry it pumps into our arms and our fists so that we can hit someone yeah so we can yeah exactly so we can fight we can defend ourselves tense everything up when we're nervous we sweat in our armpits we sweat on our brows sometimes the palms of our hands when we're sad we cry when we're sexually aroused the blood pools in the

middle of our bodies men get Erections without this change and blood flow in blood flow and muscle movement our species would not have survived survived this is how concrete it is for every specific emotion there's a change in blood flow and muscle movement that's specific to that emotion and a change in our facial expression and arousal on the face is shown by dilation of the pupils and that can be romantically we think somebody's incredibly attractive it can also mean want of any kind give me givee Give me give me give me now it's like this

really needy greedy feeling and from chocolate will do it for me so how do you actually decipher in that situation let's say you're with a guy and you're trying to assess whether he actually likes you if he's maybe just trying to use you yeah you look at the eyes yeah well now he may just want to really get you into bed oh absolutely it's attraction verus or he's really into you from a like I love you type of Standpoint how do you know or do you not know and you're just oh I know oh how

do you break that down when I teach love and dating I say above the eyes in the eyes under the eyes o okay that's ATT traction so we talked about the smio bags that's the under the dilation of the pupils is the want and the lowering like the half masting of the eyelids that's the bedroom eyes that's the bedroom eyes and so if you've got those Pieces that's arousal that's I want gimme gimme gimme but again the achy breaky heart is on my chin I like to test and see if I talk about something that's

hard or vulnerable do you feel that vulnerability with me and you do constantly you and I are back and forth and you're mirroring my expressions and I'm mirroring yours and there's that beautiful connection so I know that you care about my feelings so one of the ways I have people practice and they go Oh you know and you you'll feel it and if different things trigger different people but we were talking about these pet videos and how much we love our little doggies and you look at those pet videos you'll feel it or when you

say the word oh oh that's so cute we turn that grape into a raise and it gets all all cratered and dimply now here's the thing you can dip your gaze and I do it I teach high stakes negotiations I work with a lot of merges and Acquisitions Teams and you and I both have a business background and so we're watching it at the moment that I'm pitching or introducing something that might be difficult hard for them to swallow I'm going lower or higher on price than I think they've expected when I get to that

moment where I'm going to say something and I really need to know their response I'm going to take my gaze and put it here anger is the tight Lips so with my lips I have very thin lips it's going to uh sometimes in literature they will say her lips formed a thin white line my ex-husband had much fleshier lips he has a bigger mouth than I do so only about half of the pigment will disappear for him so you're looking for the change in the Baseline you know where does this person start my lips will

almost Disappear Completely but somebody with a fuller mouth won't they'll but but there'll still be a Change you maybe see 50% % less of the fleshy part and you said that's anger that's anger and because they're try not to talk cuz anger is just everything tight even if my lips are even I'm like yelling it just it makes everything you know our shoulders our neck our our fists inside our digestive so everything gets all tight and clenched okay so then it was those the the tighten the lips anger the vulnerability VAB on the chin oh

crap which is a piece of fear so if I Teach the big piece of fear so we take our mouth we turn it into a rectangle so we can scream we pull our upper eyelids way back so that we can gauge you know where can I get how can I get out of this situation where are my exits and so there's that piece so with the micro expression we just take a piece of that rectangle see and and fear is the the expression that is going to make the tendons on my neck jump oh oh

so you see Those tendons that person was like oh no and I call it oh crap because we're in a business meeting I'm not afraid for my life it's not Terror that I would experience I really don't like roller coasters but you know that that I would get on a roller coaster but if you're saying Annie um I want to make sure we're in a business deal and I want to make sure that technology gets to Market within the next three months and I'm not 100% sure but I don't want to blow the Whole deal

and I go yeah absolutely my body doesn't actually believe I'm I'm for sure going to get that technology ready for for Market within that time frame and so you know how to use those facial expression to then know how to negotiate yes and so I can see exactly how somebody's responding in that exact moment to the trigger I can't ever tell what they're thinking I can only tell what they're feeling now so so if if I say for Example I think we need to meet on Thursday and go through the whole you know finalize a

deal and you go oh it may be because you don't want to you're afraid about the deal it may be that Thursday you're already double booked so I don't know what it is that you're thinking I just know that there's an issue shows me where to dig where to go and get more information where I need to you know if if you're nodding and showing like that's great okay I can be Pretty sure that you're intending to show up on Thursday and we might even get this deal closed because we're in alignment and your body

will know you don't have to be able to dissect it and have the vocabulary to know that something's off you feel it right in your gut for me it's the solar plexor and I'm going because I know so many times I didn't listen to that when I was younger even though I knew that there was something off because our bodies are Our survival instincts as a species has been dependent on recognizing danger and being able to protect ourselves our family members our Offspring the people we love the people that we're connected to that we rely

on for business for food that kind of thing so our bodies dollars to Donuts you can process all of this with your brain and you just know I'm giving the words so that you say so you don't say stop second guessing yourself so you say not only did that person feel Like he didn't care about me but when he was saying he cared about me he's growling at me like a dog so that's what I was going to ask you about gaslighting because that's the thing where people they someone's manipulating you and making you second

guess yourself so how do we use these tools with that situation where we um so we don't then say that feel like it's us and we can actually identify oh they're trying to Gaslight me our facial Expressions leak our hearts and our emotions and the problem with gaslighting is that it turns it back on ourselves where we feel smaller more insignificant we second guess our intelligence our worth whether you know even things like our weight or what we look like or how we're aging or how we're not aging all of these pieces become devalued because

somebody who is predatory in our personal life is going to want to keep us small so they don't So they won't lose us so they they you know narcissist we talk about Supply so they maintain that Supply um and so it I mean first of all I have so much compassion for people that are stuck in abusive relationships I've been I've been in abusive relationship that is by the way just to be clear not why my ex-husband and I separated but I have absolutely been with abusive men and I had abuse in my childhood and

so my heart goes out to Everybody who experiences that and one of the things that even during and after you feel stupid you know you feel like I knew this why I couldn't I stand up for myself I should know better I don't want people to know what was done to me or what I experience because there's shame involved don't be ashamed when other people hurt you don't be ashamed that's on them and so yes sometimes it takes a while to get out of it but that's big and bold and brave and good for you

for Finally getting out of it and for asking for help you know if we can't do it all by ourselves ask for help and if if we don't get help from one place ask from help for ask for help from another from another person and just be kind during the journey because it's really you know be kind to yourself how did you start to trust again after having that from childhood and adulthood but trust other people but also trust yourself I got a comment in one of my YouTube videos guys I do read everything that

you guys write um I take it to heart and one woman had written well um I think the takeaway is just never to trust somebody and then you won't get heartbroken again and that broke my heart to read that because I think trust is can be beautiful when it's given to the right person and I think people don't necessarily know especially if you've been burnt in the past you don't know how to then trust again or like I said trust yourself into Being able to um choose the right person and so going back to like

your dating and your love thing I think people then go into certain situations where it's new relationships or dating with their guard up and they're they maybe hiding their expressions they maybe hiding their facial um reactions so that someone doesn't then use it against them so they don't have get heartbroken again um and so I've heard you talk about the signs of SAS the first thing is as we've Mentioned and it's so bear repeating you want their facial expressions and their words to match so again that's the the easiest expression is that bad bunny rabbit

little twitch you see that little hop of the nose and somebody's saying a positive while showing a negative that's a problem they don't really believe that saying showing a negative facial expression while you're saying like I hate it with betrayal toxic relation that's fine you have These really strong feelings about it's not okay to lie to somebody it's not okay to cheat it's not a betrayal is not okay that matches that's the no face and saying a negative perfect we're watching for somebody saying like I'm really happy for you as they raise their cheeks and

they're showing their smile bags that's yes and you nodding is really just genuinely showing that emotion you're so invested you almost want to take action that's Your body leaping we can stop oursel from making the macro Expressions we can't really stop our from making the micro Expressions those leak and so learning to trust and and loving somebody and showing our we can't ever really feel loved as a human being unless we feel known so I can be all polished and poison and plastic and if I feel like I get your approval that's fine I'm going

to feel like I got approval from you but I'm not going to feel loved unless you know how weird and wonky and wobbly I am am unless I can say when you ask me how are you doing today Annie it's just hard like parenting is hard working is hard being a woman is hard um worrying about friends and loved ones health and and mental stability and and emotional and physical health is hard life is hard so unless we can be real we can't ever really feel loved it's the only shot any of us have of

filling our cup and being Able to fill somebody else's cup is to be real and authentic with with somebody else and the more you see that the facial expressions are aligned the more you can trust that person that person is is showing you their honest true self and I mean sometimes people lie when they want to keep some privacy and that's that's not necessarily a red flag that's okay I don't have to tell every person every piece of me I have the right to maintain Some some privacy so there are some lies that are not

horrible lied that I I am brutally honest I never lie to my kids I uh over and over will tell the truth even when it's really uncomfortable when I when I got divorced I asked them straight out do you want to know when I start dating and they were like no right and I said okay then I won't tell you then you have to be comfortable with me being pretty evasive and you can't call me out for it because you're going to See it Mom you're ly like you told me you didn't want to know

yeah you tell me you didn't want to know so that's kind of but I almost have to make the deal with them ahead of time so we're looking for those pieces and terms of really learning it um I was six months away from getting a teacher's degree when I when I decided to Pivot towards anthropology so the book shows you as you've read the conversations there's Some poems in it it's it's a each piece is meant to elicit one or a couple really strong emotions when we feel those emotions we actually make the facial expression

so there's a method to the madness and I could only really get that deep emotion when I was telling the truth and so what the difference like for instance cuz I love how you just broke that down but things like flirting or someone just being nice to you so flirting is always going to Involve a little bit of self-grooming you know like the twirling of the head yeah it's it's it's for women in particular when we flirt we showcase I have lips I have a neck like look at these pieces that I have I have

shoulders I have you know flipping of the hair look at my hair I have hair that's very different from self soothing when humans are nervous We Touch our skin where we touch our skin varies from Person to person so the facial expressions that's all biology that doesn't vary from person to person the micro expressions are the same I did a lot of high stakes negotiation in Asia and and certain cultures were really are really really trained to show that poker face not to show any emo still get the micro expressions in every meeting every meeting

because I've heard you even say like blind people have the same Expressions you can be born blind never See another human face and you still make the same facial expressions in fact they tend to make more macro Expressions because nobody's training them out of it quite as much but this is a thing that we are born with that we know and that's such a beautiful quality in a human what up homie I got something free and new to share with you right now how often are you visited by that negative voice in your head telling

you that you're not smart enough that you're not good enough Experienced enough not fill in the blank one of the most powerful things you can learn to do in life is to turn that negative voice into your besti and I want to teach you how to do that and so much more in my four steps to becoming confidence workshop and guys the most amazing thing is you can actually register for completely free for this Workshop so click the link on your screen and I see you on the inside so I'm really trying to get into

the brains Of my audience right now so if they're smiling at you from across the room sometimes you're just like they just smile at me or they trying to like flirt with me what is a different facial expression maybe or is there a difference they're going to those eyelids if they're really really into you and one of the things I did when I was trying to practice that it took me years to figure out like what is that thing I can see when a man is aroused Can see it on film what is happening and

it's they just it's like the now to be fair eyelids slip down when people are really sleepy but that gives like a Grog you know the difference when you see it it's kind of like what do they call about pornography like you know what like when you see art or pornography you know when you see it like it's hard to describe but you're like like oh yeah that's corn right um that's not like right so so there's this piece of like When someone's really sleepy their eyelids come down but it's kind of this blurried expression

and they just kind of look checked out whereas if you do the bedroom eyes and you're cute enough that I can do well thank you yeah thank you but it's just this little Saucy slip right and then often what we do especially as women we will tilt our our when we're when we feel really comfortable even dogs won't show you their neck unless They feel really safe with you I have one client every time he walks in I go oh and I go I just tilt my neck he go I know and I do I

love him to bit he's such a sweetheart but it's so awkward when you taught somebody and then you're like oh he looks so handsome today okay so if someone's just being nice they may just do the smile with they do just like a joy I mean right and you notice that like I'm a straight woman and I and I will generally give you just you know I Won't give you a ton of eyelid unless I'm trying to to show you what that means like but but there's a difference between I'm so happy to see you

and like hey baby and the one piece of body language or the piece that I teach the most because body language varies from person to person even like two sisters in the same family can have very different body language and anybody who tries to say like this means defensiveness when you cross your Arms This is like here's the dictionary of this this this body language means this no it could mean I'm cold it could mean um I'm feeling a I could could mean I'm feeling a little reserved or defensive it could mean I'm Swedish it

could mean I'm German all the nordics all the northern Europeans tend to you know just have a little bit more closed body language and and a lot of people up there culturally will say well yeah but this is really comfortable I'm I'm I Feel good in this position that's okay but if you and I having like almost like if you don't want to be vulnerable well it could be yeah and it's just not particularly open but but when you're really cold you do it too right so there's a variety of situations that you might do

and again you need to look at context but saying that that means one thing every time is simply not true we all have these little ticks and Twitches when it comes to our bodies one thing That is really Universal and there's a man um came named Joe Navaro who was I just adore his books on body language and he talks about self soothing and that human beings when we're nervous We Touch our skin so what makes you in a conversation start to touch your skin which is what stimulates it what triggers it and where we

touch our skin where we're nervous depends on the person so I might rub my my wrist I could rub the back of my neck I could Pull on my necklace which is that I have a daughter that pulls on her hair because it stimulates her scalp We Touch our skin it increases our dorphin it slows our breathing it it slows our heart rate it makes us feel good you think about the boob right it all goes back to breastfeeding like we just want that boob right on our face so when people get really nervous we

tend to touch our faces is that yeah I think so we want we want to touch Someone else's skin but when we don't have anybody available we just do it ourselves my husband going to use that as an excuse now to just come and rest his head on my Bo exactly he just give me a little boob but yeah there's this piece we just touch our skin so I've seen men pull up their like socks and push one sock down and like pull up their pant leg and rub their legs under that that's self soothing

and if you understand the concept of I'm nervous Uncomfortable I'm going to calm myself down by stroking my beard touching my face rubbing my forehead pulling at the skin here anywhere you do I saw a NATO General uh on stage in Prague many years ago and he was getting these really awkward uncomfortable you know frankly inappropriate questions and the person was trying to show off who was interviewing him and he had this beautiful Square posture and I thought he's got to start self soothing any Second now he just twisted his hand turned it up and

started rubbing his thumb against his finger and I was like there it is there's his nerves well trained wow that's fast I've I've definitely seen guys do this have you seen the steeple right presidents are trained to do that so Barack Obama initially was doing different things with his hands and I knew um I saw him before I saw him speak before he was elected and I thought you know he hasn't Gone through the media training once they're in the media training this is how they do they do the steeple because it looks powerful but

they're still calming themselves down by touching their skin that's what it is looks powerful but it still like has that effect that I'm calming myself down but it's an accepted way to do it that's fascinating could that be anxiety yeah um so the interesting thing is when does it happen when do you do it in the Conversation is it when I talk when we talk about toxic relationships you might touch your skin a very typical place for us to touch when we're feeling really nervous is to cover our neck why is that I think it's

because it's one of the fastest ways to kill a human is to get to the chonic artery and so we automatically would do that except when women are pregnant they'll reach for their neck and it won't get all the way there and then they'll cover their belly For protection woo yeah oh my God that's fascinating um I heard you tell a story about um a a married man tried to hit on you is that right a lot of but he didn't but he told you that he wasn't married and so oh I get a lot

of people saying uh you know I how did you know when you wanted to get divorced and could you give me some advice on that and there was a man that um in particular I'm guessing that I know specifically uh who you're talking about and and was just Had set up this whole scenario and I even checked with a couple people yeah he's on the verge of getting divorced no there was no he'd just been telling everybody that because that's how he tried to seduce women that he was and and thank goodness but I was

pulled into the emotional you know I was thinking I just went through this myself and you know that inclination when someone's been through toxic relationship or something you want to be an ear to them You want to help and that's how he was creating this space where he was getting my attention how did you know when your marriage was over and how did you you know I just I feel I feel numb I don't think there was ever any connection she only wants me for my money like all this he had this whole battery of

of things that he said and I could hear that the Cadence was off with we talked but again this was somebody who preferred to create the attachment Through text which was kind of fascinating because still have all those texts in my phone if I ever met his wife I'd be like hey Anie ever need some support for your divorce yeah so explain that to me you said that twice now about how they don't want to do on the phone but they want to do on text why is that a sign that's a bad sign because

somebody who is a systematic liar do thinks they can control it and they can control their Anxiety and these are there often people that are really trying to pump up their ego so if the conversation gets too real they can just not text back for a while oops sorry had a meeting had a blah blah blah blah blah they can just back they have a quick easy out and it's a way to create intimacy and to give some some time in their response too whereas it's much harder to lie and you know I'm a human

lie detector it's hard to lie to me I have to be pretty motivated and I Could see the red flags honestly I could I was just really lonely and and um you know I I was divorced at that point hadn't dated anybody at all and for whatever reason this specific individual pressed some of my trauma bonds he reminded me of the love of my life and in a variety of ways and it just almost on a subconscious level there was there was a connection he also smelled delicious you know and he was really handsome so

break that down break that Down for me because being a li detect to yourself this is so powerful that even even you are able to get trapped somehow and maybe that's where the obsession comes that I have this tendency to so want to trust people and I've been so deeply betrayed and I think there's a desperation almost in me to figure out who I can trust and this has given me that extra layer of being able to trust but it's but it's a tool I mean the real deep trust is having people in your life

Where their words and their actions align over and over and over and over again and they show up for you they show up for you when you're in crisis when you're sad when you're not your best self when you're crabby and lonely and maybe don't have that much to offer but these are the people that kind of stick by you and and are like okay well you know I love you enough to love you kind of in your worst state and um and I was lucky enough to have people That showed up like that for

me and who let me do do that same thing for them I talk a lot about in my book reciprocity and I think I'm too vulnerable in my relationships I tend to give too much but but I also am able to let go of relationships where where people show me multiple times that they really don't care about my well-being I do I let go of those clients I let go of those friends I let go of those romantic Partners and part of the reason I can let go is because I do have a couple really

solid people that I lean on that feel like family to me and because of that you taught your daughter I believe or your kids and if you don't mind sharing that story where your daughter basically saved other kids' lives um my daughter uh came home one day uh this is Emma she was five and she said she didn't like a specific grown-up and at her school at her school and I said why Don't you like him and she said he shows contempt and disgust when he talks to me nice to see you Emma and I

flagged it to the authorities that that was predatory behavior and also somebody who didn't belong in the school and um the school was wonderful about it and um they contacted the police and he was extradited well because he had a background of of molestation correct yes correct correct He was after little boy so he was growling at my daughter because she was in the way and because she spotted and because you notified the yeah and that's the most clear example where there was actually a specific outcome there have been many times when my kids and

I have recognized predatory behavior and flagged for it both you know and sometimes you can't bring somebody to Justice because you don't have enough proof um and you can't also go out into Society and say you know this person is showing all these signs we can't do that we have to act responsibly and there has to be proof but there have been times when I've gone on and and talked I've gone in to talk to author people in in Authority positions of authority and said these are the Red Flags I see if you see any

red flags like this please know that um that this is the science behind what I see and why these red flags are coming up in my brain and why My children have flagged for it yeah I think that's the important part that if you see the flags now it allows you to walk into a situation hopefully with eyes wide open knowing the situation versus being manipulated or tricked into believing it's something very different right and how many I mean so many of these people that are coming out in in public that are getting accused and

people are saying it wasn't a well-kept secret everybody knew everybody knew Harvey Weinstein and people people said you know word on the street stay away from him don't go up to your hotel room with him I mean this has unfortunately been the life that we've that we've lived so many of us women I don't know any woman who hasn't been harassed or assaulted I mean it just it isn't a thing um but so for me I have to be very cautious about how I do it but I do make sure that there are eyes on

that person but to your Point though even yourself having know all this you still got you know uh swoed or whatever the word is by somebody yes yeah yeah well I swooned a little too yeah I was like but you totally got swayed by somebody right who um but I didn't end up in bed with him he was never able to close the deal thank God and and so and so what if he had you know honestly so what I don't I don't believe that anybody should be ashamed for their sexuality or for um having

Good intentions or wanting to be loved but um but me being able to do the science and it wasn't so much the micro Expressions because we weren't meeting in person and that was the thing that was why it just kind of kept going even though I was seeing these red flags because they're less clear when it comes to word choice and and it's it's afterwards when all the pieces fell fell into place and I Thought oh and I could read the text I like and I knew even when I was that's you know nobody says

I'm a mostly good guy who says I'm a mostly good guy so what would you do differently now with that same guy I think first of all I'm not in a position where I'm so lonely and so needy that I ignore the signs I mean I think that's sometimes the thing that we um human beings both men and women find that we get into bad relationships when We don't have enough love and tenderness and protection in our lives when we're isolated and lonely and that was you know really coming out of coid and all of

that isolation um I'm not in a vulnerable position I'm a well-loved woman and I get a lot of uh happiness from my platonic relationships more so ironically than I've ever found in any Roman rtic relationship and so that protects me uh going out and doing big bold things professionally and uh Betting on myself that also helps my self-esteem and makes me feel better about myself so I'm not in that position but I don't think we can entirely protect ourselves I mean that's where my obsession is I can keep trying to get more information and and

to help others protect and we can't do it 100% And we need to forgive ourselves when we do trip and fall because that's Humanity we're messy creatures and and thank goodness that we're not robots because We'd never be able to find connection you and I wouldn't be able to have this conversation in this chemistry that we so clearly have right if we were completely guarded yeah you know if you want to make sure to have a really miserable life you know keep all of those walls up and don't ever let anybody in but unfortunately we

can't protect ourselves to 100% what up homie I got something free and new to share with you right now how often are you Visited by that negative voice in your head telling you that you're not smart enough that you're not good enough experienced enough not fill in the blank one of the most powerful things you can learn to do in life is to turn that negative voice into your bestie and I want to teach you how to do that and so much more in my four steps to becoming confidence workshop and guys the most amazing

thing is you can actually register for complet free for this Workshop so click the link on your screen and I see you on the inside going back to something you were saying earlier about like the the gut and the gut instinct and how much over time we really like almost like shut down the gut instinct um how do we start to um activate now the gut with the Expressions that we're noticing so that we don't keep ignoring them listen listen to those feelings um and take some time and with silence however you Find that but

but be willing to sink into yourself you know whether it's an exercise whether it's in meditation whether it's in prayer whatever works for you but to be listening to your own voice that sort of beyond words and to feel those feelings and sometimes it's looking back at something where we get I mean one of the best ways to practice lie detection is to look at the the clips of politicians when we know for a fact that somebody was lying about you Know that child is not my child well DNA later confirm go back and watch

the video of the of the idual saying that's not my kid and see when we know they're already caught in that lie and and start practicing that way but um listen to yourself and go back and reanalyze these relationships the way I can with that man you don't have to learn everything overnight just just start look on the chin and see that love is actually all around us and if we just start looking And lower your gaze but here's a really important thing when I talk about lowering your gaze don't keep it on the mouth

for more than 3 seconds really uncomfortable with just staring at someone's mouth well people start to tilt their head and lean in for a kiss so that's what we instinctually do them when we're about to kiss someone is look at their lips I've never but we also do that when we're learning a language you know we're just trying to figure out Like what's going on down there and I think that's I spent so much time on this area you know years of my life going through these different languages I was abroad for 25 years nine

different countries including the US uh eight languages most of them through immersion and just years years of my life not understanding what people are saying that's how I dealt with my trauma I just kind of didn't deal with it moov to the next Place and um in being in different countries even if you don't understand we like you even said earlier right we all have the universal language of the face well that's how Darwin started um you know he was everyone people have written about facial you facial expressions as long as people have been writing

but Darwin had the kind of brain where he just wanted to pick apart the little pieces and so he was traveling from tribe to tribe to tribe where Nobody had any direct contact and he started to recognize in the same way I kind of I believe in my head I was like I did kind of the same thing where you started to get really really good at the non-verbal because that's all you had there was no I didn't understand the words and so he started to document and the facial action coding system that I'm you

know I'm certified in um which is how I started to get the numbers and the math on it Um he's he was the one that really started that by documenting um humans a apes and canines and started looking at it everything I do with facial expressions it's pattern recognition it it it has nothing to do with age or gender or ethnicity or geographic location it's a human thing and so the only people that don't make these facial expressions are people that have a facial paralysis M and that's where Botox is it is it freezes our

Concentrating muscles so it's one of the reasons Botox helps with depression oh it helps with depression because it stops us from overthinking oh we can't move those muscles but doesn't it make you less empathetic I heard you say yeah yeah it does it makes it less you have too much facial paralysis you can't U you can't Kickstart the emotional process for your brain so we make the facial expression it sends a message to the mdala and we process it and so that Whole process is impeded if we get too much facial paralysis I've had people

come to me and say you know my mother-in-law used to be so empathetic and so kind and and wait a second is there some facial paralysis yeah actually she's got Advanced stages Parkinson's there's facial yeah and so once you can't move too much but I mean for some of us women I mean I can't see that being a huge relief because we're all empathy and all Movement and all so just kind of calming down those muscles can definitely help it helps with migraines too for some people interesting I wonder I have migraines I think it's

you know sometimes stressing worrying all of those things are interconnected I'm not a doctor so you know somebody else could probably explain it better I just know that we need the facial expressions it's why when you talk on the phone with somebody who's severely Depressed it's easier to talk on the phone and have that maintain that distance than that face to face if you ever spent time with somebody that's really sad and you you know you you feel like you have to take a nap afterwards and that part of that is because we're mirroring their

facial expressions of distress we do the tenting of the eyebrows the triangle of sadness I believe there's a movie called that and then that pucker of the chin and and as We're mirroring each other's facial expressions even though it's tiny and very minute it's what we humans do when we connect we're fac to face we mirror those facial expressions and we take it on our nervous system feels like we've experienced it ourselves so I had a friend that was very very depressed and I had to perform um at work on a level that I couldn't

both see her for two hours at a time and so I said you know we just I I can still see You I just have to do a call instead of and I assume that's the same as FaceTiming someone versus a voice right but the um so zooming and face timing and all of that um technology it that's all off it's one of the reasons that Zoom leaves us lonely and longing because our expectation first of all it doesn't we're not looking each other really in the eyes if I'm looking in the eyes you're seeing

a different area of my face so the technology is not great That way and the other thing is that it's it's there's a delay sometimes you say I don't like the delay that's me saying I don't like the delay my face leaking that I don't like it um and the other thing is that when we really connect with someone our expectation is that we're going to connect the same way we do in person and the Rhythm and the flow of everything will be on and it isn't and the other thing I'm sure other people are

guilty of this too but I tend To look at my own face oh yeah I don't even realize I'm doing it as well sometimes I'm like oh my God B right and so therefore I'm not responding and it doesn't feel like we're looking so when I really want to connect with somebody I much prefer phone than video oh interesting but you would do that because I'm thinking about the empathy thing of how it can be very draining would you still suggest then um if you had to do one or the other phone Is better I

think phone is better because the technology awakens the need and doesn't satisfy it just like a bad lover that's amazing I love that not expect you to say that um wow that's fascinating and so with the paralysis going back to like let's say it's just BOTOX for for Simplicity and that's kind of like almost self uh inflicted versus you know Parkinson's um that can make you less Empathetic which to your point can be sometimes good if you're overly empathetic that you but to a point I assume because then wouldn't it make you more would it

make you more depressed after a long perod time so uh I so one of the things that I find so fascinating is that uh people but I mean more and more men are getting Botox too we we get BOTOX because we have this idea that's going to make us more appealing and more attractive and we want to be more Attractive because we want to feel connected right we want people to like us and we want to have that back and forth the reality is that when our face doesn't move in a natural way it it

sends signals to the other person that we're not trustworthy oh and so my expectation and one of the reasons our connection was so fast is you're really responding to my facial expressions you're responding to my words to my gestures to there's this Connection and chemistry that makes me feel cared for and seen and there's just this beautiful connection back and forth and I you know it took me two seconds to walk in there and I was like okay I'm safe in this are this is going to be good we we get each other we have

things to learn from each other this is going to be fascinating for me too if your face hadn't moved at all my brain would be sending warning warning warning this is not okay there's something off even If I couldn't cat it and so the problem it's almost harder for other people than it is for me so I can identify okay that that this piece is not there's a little Botox there and that's okay but I can still see these other puzzle pieces of the emotion so I still feel I still see the empathy I still

see the rise of the cheeks that would be okay for me but think about it if you're trying to look younger for your spouse and you're trying to look More attractive and all of a sudden he can't see that you love him he can't see that you're marrying him and he doesn't know what is wrong with the connection but there's something off or for little kids if you have a kindergarten teacher that does a lot of Botox she's not going to have the same connection with those little kids so the the heartbreaking pieces that we

get it to to be and to feel more attractive and connected and it's it's the ultimate Disconnector oh so we're actually doing a disservice in that sense well you know when someone's extraordinarily polished I mean I I had my makeup done today so I'm feeling kind of fancy but when someone's someone's super fancy and Polished every second of every day we tend to feel less safe than the person who will answer the door when their hair's a mess and be like I'm kind of a mess day but come on in we're friends we need a

little bit of vulnerability Even on a physical level with people that if you're too polished I can't tell you the things I'm struggling with so there has to be a you know it's it's almost a kindness in certain situations at least to tone it down and that lack of formality allows somebody else to be a little bit more of themselves and that doesn't mean that we don't have every right to you know to make ourselves pretty and fit and healthy and all the ways yeah I've got zero anything nothing Against Botox I've never had it

myself but I know a lot of people that have and again it's like if it makes you happy then but but I love to always know though like what is it actually doing and then to your point about the communication the dynamic that's just fascinating so people at home knowing hey guys if you're going to get it Botox do it for you amazing but just know what it overdo it or do a little bit you know I I can say like I spent so me this These Els or parentheses as I call them this is

six and a half years of having three kids too close together and and just going furing my brow over so that the facial expressions end up etched into our skin so I can see a lot of somebody's personality just at a certain age where the wrinkles are oh you've done a lot of worrying and conc this is me thinking how am I going to get sleep you need to sleep you need to sleep I need to sleep how are we going to sleep So what's the difference in between that and angry because it looks like

it's the same thing it's the same thing in the top you only know if somebody's angry with the mouth the tap mouth so it always is the combination of like Po the top and the bottom put together or anger it is so anger the brow of concentration is all so so I have men come up to me all the time and go my my wave says I'm angry and I'm not angry and they go okay honey you thinking about work yeah I'm Thinking about work and I was like okay well tell her that if you're

angry that you're going to have a tight mouth but if you are thinking about work and your problem solving for a lot of men in particular they are not open to emotional connection at that moment cuz they're solving something they're already focused on something so maybe that's not the moment to get some snuggles but what about people who have like what I me and my husband called Angry neutral faces so your face is totally neutral but it reads as angry how do you um going back to almost where we started where it's like knowing how

to decipher someone when you first meet them is it kind of taking a Baseline and then looking at the Expressions after that because some people's faces just depending on like if your eyes are you know more slanted down versus up yeah in my profession we talk about this genuine smile SM and and they like to say Genuine versus a fake smile and I often will put in in the terms of a genuine smile versus a social smile because if we're friends and I see you one morning and I'm going out for my walk and I've

just had a really tough night and I've got pressures at work and you know one of my loved ones is sick and one of my kids is not doing well I'm not going to give you that genuine smile of I'm elated to see you I'm just going to say hi but I'm going to try to smile anyways So we need to remember to put things into context and we're not trying to always catch people when we really need these skills at pivotal moments whether we're in high stakes negotiation or we're trying to make a decision

about partnering with somebody in any way that's going to be lasting we just want to that we want to be able to have these tools at a resource as a resource so that we can get a little bit of extra information and it's it's not so Definitive except in that case where you're going you know nobody should be growling at a little kid yeah that's a problem and so even sorry I don't have kids but is that actually true cuz like if you're really freaking tired and the kids just screaming like I'm you going to

scout a little you're going to be mad and you're going to go but you're not going to do that sort of predatory knowing smile so it's one side versus like both it's got a little curl of the Lip which is that with that is contempt it's you can feel it so me looking at going is very different from me going you you really want to you know your gut will tell you and so I'm giving you some tools for a language but then you take those tools and you build the language it's like when you

teach somebody Italian you teach them a few sentences a few keywords then they go out and use them and they start to build and they the more they're around other people who Speak Italian the more their brains will connect the different pieces you already know this as a human being that's what your gut is screaming they're saying alert alert alert here's the information you just don't have the words to break it down yeah we don't have the vocabulary so I'm giving you a little bit of extra proof and now you have to go out and

test the problem is that knowing micro expressions and you've got this in you dollars to Donuts makes us So much more mischievous because if we don't poke a little bit we don't get the good big facial expressions so we sometimes get a little bit more cheeky a little bit more inappropriate a little bit more like yeah maybe I normally wouldn't say that but what happens if I say this are you going to show some excitement some some fear some disgust you know like what happens if I press that button that I was told not to

press but if you see that someone gets Really hurt or that there's like you know really recoil you can adjust so learning these facial expressions gives us feedback in every human interaction every face to-face interaction we have and it just makes us better listeners and it makes us better at love wow that's so cool what are the um micro Expressions that maybe we miss read so like you know when I think about people's emotions like someone being upset or disappointed like how how how Do you start to decipher cuz actually heard you say that um

there's a same I can't remember what expression it was but pride and Defiance is shown in the same way yeah um we lift our chin in Pride and there was a piece where I was talking about um that was actually a conversation that I was having with the main love interest about you know getting his permission for the final time like can I publish this this is a and just lifted his chin and I lifted my Chin too and it was like this beautiful mirroring of like bring it um and in my case there was

there was some pride in being defiant because I was letting him go I was telling him I'm going to publish this are you okay with it he was he wanted it out in the world he did he got very upset when I talked about fictionalizing it um and he you know lifted his chin and like you know I and I said you're going to you're going to be recognized and he just lifted his Chin squared his shoulders like bring it and in my case there was some sadness in this Defiance of I can't do this

I can't have an emotional affair um with somebody that I'm in love with who's in love with me that's married to somebody else I can't be friends with you I can't do work with you I can't be friends with you this doesn't feel okay this feels icky um I'm divorced I'm single if you love me if I'm the love your life then do something About it but I mean my thing that I always said to him was you have to pick a lane I'm not doing both my thing that I grew up with was I

was always worried that he would cheat on me and resisted the relationship because I did you know because I had these major trust issues and um so I wasn't going to be willing to go into a relationship with him where I was The Other Woman or even the main woman where there was another woman it just wasn't it wasn't an option for me So how do you start to identify that chin the the the actor who is in um Arrow Steven AML there's a picture of him standing next to his wife and he's got joy

on his face and he's got a lift to the chin and I thought that's a funny expression why is he where's the pride like that wasn't Defiance because it was really just you know there was this beautiful soft lift of the chin and joy and he was like that sorry tin you but that's the difference then because the Defiant because he had the lifting of the yeah Defiance could have a little bit of the chin thrust and some anger right but if you've got that softness and the lift and I thought what the and I

read further on down and his wife was pregnant a and he he was all cheeky and like this is I did that so the lifting of the chin and the combination of the facial expressions is what then dictates whether it's beautiful Pride or utter Defiance got it okay talk to me about The guy's Adam's Apple because again cuz like I'm always trying to go like okay like I'm such a I love learning and so reading your book and talking to you today I feel like I'm just like a sponge um and I'm always trying to

decipher CU I definitely will remember as much as I possibly can and use it in my real life so um but the things where PE people get confused um and I've heard you talk about the Adams Apple so so I talk about fear being the popping of the tendons of The chin so anytime there's a piece of like oh crap and that's in physical pain too by the way which makes sense that there's a piece of fear in physical pain because there's this when you're really hurting you know something really hurts that is there's a

feeling that that Pain's never going to go away you just have so there's a there's a piece of fear in pain so so disregarding that because that's out here right here the bobbing of the atams Apple so I never I Never see it or very rarely see it on women but but in men it's often very pronounced and it for me it's many many times I see it with my clients when I start talking and explain this micro expressions and it's the lump in their throat that they're swallowing it's them feeling really vulnerable and a

little bit um observed and uncomfortable it's it's it's an interesting thing because it can mean I'm Touched I you know if I've said something very kind to them they'll they'll swallow if I've said something hurtful they'll swallow if I've said something that makes them just feel a little naked you know emotionally they'll swallow and so whenever I see that bobbing right in the middle I and I can see it even if I'm making eye contact it just reminds me to be a little softer and a little bit more Tender and to realize that this man

who's polished and poised and Powerful is really just a little kid inside just like all of us so how do you break herart though those different emotions is it then the face like is the is the throat a signal that they're feeling something deeply yeah and then you're reading their facial expression to understand what that deep feeling is well think about it if I if I'm talking to um somebody who is leading an Organization and he's just met me and he's talking to me and I'm saying like look you know it is it's it's really

hard to be in the position that you're in because you can't talk to your board about the things that you're insecure about you don't know what you're doing and and you've run a run an organization right you can't tell your board I don't know what I'm doing with this oh God no you can't tell you know you might not have a business partner you're at the Top of the pyramid you can't tell your employees I'm in like I'm over my skis I don't know what I'm doing with this like I got all this under control

but oh I don't know what we're going to do with this you may not be able to tell your spouse either your spouse isn't involved in the business either sometimes you've worked so hard your spouse doesn't even want to see you right they're so resentful because you're focused on work focused on it's hard to do all these Things um or your spouse just isn't involved in the business you've married somebody or you're partnering with somebody who's who who hasn't run a business and doesn't have this experience so unless you're a member of an organization where

you can go you're often pretty alone so I'll talk to these men about this and I'll say this you know one of the things I do I have a business background I've worked in in in Investment Banking I've worked in Management consulting I've run my own practice I've done strategic advisory for do there isn't a business problem you can throw at me where I haven't at least seen some it but unless you tell me what your real issues are I can't help you and one of the biggest issues is that men are extraordinarily lonely gulp

every time I say the word lonely gulp because they feel seen and they feel and they're going I don't have anybody that I can confide in so what I Am able to offer people that are running huge businesses or small startups or what anything in between is that they trust me I can see all your feelings anyway why don't you just tell me what your business problems are and I am transitioning more and more to teaching young people these skills that I have used to lift and make powerful people more powerful because in my lifetime

I have to do this piece before I before I Check out before before my time is up we never know when that I mean knock on wood right that you and I are going to live until we're 100 hell yeah girl yeah so what happens cuz you're entering that already knowing that they've got a problem yep and that you're there to help them right but let's say you're in a discussion either with your your partner boyfriend mom friend whatever oh I guess let's go my ex-husband for example I would sit and I would be Really

crabby with him about something he's a very nice person and I would say you know you did this or you wer didn't do that or you weren't whatever and his words would be kind of like it wasn't really entering you know he would be a little defensive and then I'd see him swallow and i' go oh he's feeling really vulnerable okay I need to calm down I need to take it back a step because almost everybody is struggling not at every moment but we all struggle As humans and so this ability to see what somebody

is feeling underneath the surface gives us that extra listening skills where you know you look like you don't care at all what I'm saying but you just swallowed so I really hurt your feelings I need to just take it down a notch how do you know that in that moment you've hurt their feelings and they're not just mad because you don't swallow when you're mad you tighten your lips when you're mad it's so specific You you you swallow when you get a lump in your throat and you get a lump in your throat when something's

making you feel really uncomfortable unsafe vulnerable sad you know just you have to keep the the way to do it is you have to keep translating yourself like when do I get a lump in my throat because women get it too it just seems to me that I'm always seeing it with men and maybe because they're they they project this image that they're not that their Feelings don't get hurt oh my God their feelings get hurt so much oh that's fascinating um what about passive aggressiveness what type of like Expressions that people always see those

tight lips and the other thing is that they they tend to like pull in a little bit like a little bit of a pucker like I'm mad but I'm not going to tell you I'm just keeping it in it's almost like you're closing the floodgates M but sometimes you hit you someone like at Least and I'm not an expert so maybe I'm just missing the micro Expressions but sometimes it looks like they're like neutral yeah but you'll see the little flicker tightening it's just they're so minute do the eyes get slightly harder then as as

I'm looking at that like you just get that little like it's it's just all these things are kind of clenches even the disgust is like the clenching of these muscles and the negative stuff whereas the positive stuff is like a Little bit looser and softer is there any type of um Expressions that we haven't gone over that we need need to make sure that we identify today so that people can take home and use in their life um in order for them not to feel like they get tricked again so on top of our eyes

we show Fear by pulling our upper eyelids again looking for the for the exits right so that's kind of like oh crap I don't know if I'm going to be able to do That um or if you say to somebody like it's really important to me that that we're in a monogamous relationship and the guy goes like this that's a problem he's like I don't know if I can do that that's a problem with the leakage but the um we show excitement and we show mental instability both by pulling our upper eyelids back and so

you do it when you show excitement yeah you do it like oh my goodness but that's a Punctuates and you're not holding it while you're having a long conversation but you get somebody like Elizabeth Holmes who was often walking around like with this almost you know and we know our nervous system doesn't like that so it's one thing to to use it to punctuate something to show oh my goodness that's so exciting um but if I'm saying so after lunch I think we're gonna doesn't that feel unsettling so there's just pay attention to somebody Who

pulls their upper eyelids back and holds them that person is not feeling good and there's um there's just something off in terms of their emotional health and all the School shooters Do It um I don't think it's always proof that there's going to be an act of ENT violence but there's proof that there's something that's really chaotic and messy inside and so if we are going to do a business deal with somebody we don't want to do Business deal with somebody who's pulling their upper eyelids back all the time it's a warning signal it's a

red flag and again it's showing us where to dig where to look for more information it's not necessarily definitive proof I'm glad you brought up Elizabeth Holmes actually cuz she just cons so many people and I think of sheon people who are have been in business who've like the elite of the elite when we're emotionally or financially invested we Don't want to see the red flags we we we Cho we sometimes make a lot more decisions with our emotions and then we back it up and we justify it with our rational bra brain and I

also think you know what she was selling was something that hit people on such an emotional level because it was it was diagnosing it was it was touching health and it was touching so many pieces of Health that everybody had themselves or a loved one or a family member or a friend that was Suffering from X disease which they could know instantly with just that one drop of blood and nobody likes really giving blood because needles and all that stuff so it was just such a great solution technology advances so quickly that it seemed kind

of plausible and I want to jump on that train and so many other people have gotten rich in this area of the of the world of the country and all these other people are buying into it you know it's snake oil but Everybody else buys into it you want it to be true I mean I've been in situations where I've um been absolutely duped but uh I saw that there was empathy on the on the faces of the people that were ding they felt badly about it so I thought okay well now they're going to

help and nope because they they felt an emotion but they just cared a lot more about their wallets than they did about whether or not they were hurting us the reason why I asked about Elizabeth Holmes by the way is it kind of um made me think about your story because multiple times you like and he was so handsome and how much of that I wanted it I wanted it but wanted it but also like if you're just like maybe staring into someone's eyes are you ignoring almost everything that's happening around often you are and

and again we you know with money and love we think our lives will be better and will be Safer if I have a little bit more money I'll be safe my loved ones will be safe if I have a little bit more love I'll feel better about myself I'll feel more connected I will these are things that are just so deep in us that that um you know we have this illusion that money is going to fill us and we have this illusion that if I find the right romantic partner I'll also feel whole and

that's really not how it works but when we see that possibility we're Willing to really get tunnel vision and so the micro expressions are there as a tool to kind of help us um it just get those red flags confirmed before we get too deep in when I saw that um Out For Blood I think it was I think it was Netflix but they did a they did um a documentary on Elizabeth Holmes oh yeah and I just sat and watched it with my then exh now ex-husband but I just had crazy eyes Crazy Eyes

crazy eyes she's like she just kept I was like you cannot Do business with somebody who's going like this and then the voice change as well that she did I mean they were they put all the pieces of the puzzle together and there's something that's really off but you don't need to be able to dissect them I mean there were a lot of people that there were some people that were completely and utterly duped but there were a lot of people that say yeah I should have know better it's a knowing smile like I Should

have known better I've been through this before yeah yeah Annie homie thank you oh my God where can people find where can people find you in your amazing book um so my book is available on Amazon and everywhere books are sold so every local bookstore I think it's wonderful if people want to buy from their local bookstores um but it's it's available all over the world and it's also um ebook and um you know I hope it helps keep people safe and Connected and well- loved amazing where can people follow you personally um I'm across

I put all my stuff across the social so Tik Tok Instagram I'm on LinkedIn um on my website but the but even like the Tik Tok so wherever your more comfortable you can go on you can see these videos and even if you don't buy the book watch the videos and get comfortable and and repetition is the key to learning so watch the videos where I'm showing the facial expression And then take a mirror and practice stop being a dma and keep watching to learn how to spot toxic people before they actually ruin your life

there are so many women out there that feel like they're being taken advantage of they're being pushed around and you very eloquently state in your book how you've had moments like this and then how you've handled it and how you've evolved you express a lot of beautiful stories in the book about how there were moments Where um you know guys in your life relationships where people did walk all over you and you actually talk about how it started to become like double standards where you had to forgive your partner for doing certain things and yet

it was okay for them to do it so if you don't mind taking us back to them because then I want to really un like peel open how you went from being that person that allow especially in relationships because our Heart is in it it's like there's those moments of like oh we'll just forgive oh it's fine you know because our heart is in it and so it is so power oh so many women are like that you can sit here and say no you have to remind yourself that you can say no but yet

you didn't start there no I did not I was not like this like 20 years ago you know I was a people pleaser and I I was so naive and so trusting of people and even growing up you know my mom was A hard ass she's like she doesn't put up with anything and I think maybe because she was such a strong personality that we never had to do that because she always did it for us so it's kind of like I had to start retraining myself and learning and I was such a rebel in

that way where I had to learn the hard way and you know I've been in so many bad relationships where they would do something or cheat or lie to me or or something would happen and then I was Upset about it and over it and then they'd come back and you know have this whole Spiel where it it's I was so weak at that point and I would believe them and I would give them the benefit of the doubt and be like okay like if you say that like I'll Trust you I'll give you another

chance and it was constantly like okay another chance or maybe it is my fault and you start believing kind of what they start telling you about yourself and I just got myself in a Really bad relationship that it just kept going and going like that it was Insanity I kept going it's you know like the definition of insanity is like you do something you keep going and happens over and over and over again and I didn't learn that lesson and even if it was from one guy to the next I would find myself in the

same type of relationship just with a different guy it's funny how when you're over something like you can brush past stuff But right now there are people listening at home where their partner did cheat on them and they're heartbroken yeah partner has light in them and they don't know how to get back up and that's the thing is like I love you being so honest and us saying hey look we should never judge ourselves for situations we've been in right trust is beautiful I think trust is needed in the relationship but because of that it

can be broken so when moments like that are broken how the Hell do you get back up how the hell are you able to recover and sit here right now and say Yes it happened but it I learned like in those moments if you don't mind take me back because if we can unpe with this part the amount of women I feel that can heal from things and then find their voice back because that was another thing that you said is I lost who I am oh so many women are like that yeah and it's

almost like when you're in a toxic relationship or Friendship it's almost like you're in a bubble and you can't see what's happening and you're just so in love or so devoted to making something work that nothing's going to stop you you're going to make this work and that's kind of how I am like if I want something I'm going to go for it like nothing's going to stop me but sometimes you have to step back and look outside of the bubble and listen to your friends and listen to the people around you because they're seeing

Things from the outside and and it's easier said than done I'm not going to lie cuz I've been there and I felt like I couldn't just listen to some when I had to go through that process of whatever it was until I got to that breaking point where for me enough was enough and I it's like that switch flipped and that was it for me and I some of my friends even now they're like how did you do it Adrina how did you do it and I was like honestly it's like you Become numb and

like something switches and I for me it was having my daughter and being in a toxic relationship and knowing that I want her to look up to me as a strong woman and you know as her hero and not someone that's weak or is going to let someone treat me like that or let her think it's okay for someone to treat you like that and not to have a voice so she was a blessing on in so many ways and gave me that strength but aside from her um it was my friends my Support system

they never gave up on me and no matter how many times I called them crying or I tried to hide it they knew me so well that I didn't even have to say it they just knew and when I got to that point for me it was God and it was going back to church and I would go by myself all the time and I got into small groups and you know we'd be listening to a message and I would just start crying and I couldn't stop but I had all that love and that support

and To help me through it it's you need a support system you can't do it alone like it's hard it's so so fascinating you said you do it for your daughter the amount of women that will fight CH them freaking nail for someone they care about someone they love but we won't do the same for ourselves I know and I feel like so many people can relate to that and and I still it's like I over I catch myself now like overextending myself you know sometimes I get too busy in my Schedule I'm like I

could do it all and then I could do this and I already I have everything planned and sometimes I can it all but then at that end of the week I'm so exhausted and I'm like well now I'm not present and my energy is not up I had to learn how to balance my life and everyone in it because sometimes people want want want and you can't give give give all the time because you feel depleted and is that just having spoken from experience the fact that you've Already been there you used to give so

much to friendships relationships we give so much to everything except for ourselves mhm yeah and even even filming sometimes on the reality show you know I wanted the show to be so good that I started doing things that were out of my character and things that I would never say or would never do and what helped me do those scenes sometimes was alcohol and so we'd get liquored up because we're so nervous and we want to make a Good reality show and whenever you drink you know the it's easier to say okay I'll do it

I'm ready like let's take a shot and go do it and I realized watching the show sometimes and like that's not who I am and the things like with the producers and I get it's a TV show but you're still playing yourself um watching it I was like what like I can't do that anymore like you I got to a point where I was saying yes so much to things that I really didn't want to Do but they I was pressured and pressured and pressured that I would give in just to like shut them up

and so that's the thing that I really want to touch on that you can go from doing that say going like okay fine I'll just do it let me take a shot of alcohol just to get through it to then be able to many years later say hey look saying no isn't easy but you got to do it so in hindsight because I think there's so many Lessons Learned in hindsight right How did you take me back to those moments where you did feel the pressure in fact if you don't mind telling us the story

about how they wanted you to take your top off in like your pool oh yeah um yeah so that specific scene it was with Justin and we were in the pool and we were hanging out and it I guess one of The Producers like this is kind of a boring scene like would you mind taking your top off and then like throw it at Justin and then that'll get him in and I Was like well I don't know let me like think about this and then you have everyone around you and you're like I want

to make a good scene I don't want it to get deleted um and with Justin he was was my boyfriend like we were together so I was so comfortable with him and he's like just you don't have to show anything just do it and then I'll get in and like you won't just turn your back so I did it and then after it's like my grandma All my cousins like my whole family watches this show but in the moment I wasn't even thinking of that I was just thinking of making a good show people pleasing

and I just didn't think of consequences I was always in the moment and impulsive and I learned a lot from that too so going back now with who you are today how would you handle that same exactly the same situation I mean I feel like we could have made a fun scene Without taking my top off like we could have did something else I could have gave other ideas like just because someone approaches you with an idea doesn't mean you have to say yes or no to it you can always negotiate back with other ideas

and meet in the middle it's not always about yes and no like you can throw your opinion in and like change things to to your liking to where you both can meet and both be happy and it be a successful scene or relationship or Whatever it may be I love that you've mentioned people pleasing a few times I really love to touch on that because in your book you talk about how you get married and you realize oh I shouldn't have got married yeah but you did and you knew deep down and you talk about

I didn't want to upset my family I didn't want to upset him I don't want to upset and it's the people pleasing making decisions based on what's going to please everybody else except for me y I Talk to me about that if you can take me back to the moments where you weren't where you may you were debating in your head and then what made you then decide because again if we can figure out in those moments where our back is against the wall and we've only got two options that's the point right cuz even

just like oh remember you can negotiate maybe can throw ideas I love that strategy amazing but now when your back is against the wall and it's like I've Either got to upset everybody I know gosh but follow my heart MH or make everyone happy and ignore me mhm and at that point in my life I wasn't as I wasn't as strong you know Kira I think was four or five months so I was four or five months post pregnant or having her and there's so much going on in my mind and all of his family

from Australia flew out my family flew out everybody spent so much money coming to this wedding my dad spent so much money on The wedding so all of that's going on in my mind and that night it was the night before the wedding my sister Casey stayed with me and we were laying there and she's like dinina I know you don't have to do this I know you don't want to and I was like but I have to like everyone's here like everything's set up Dad spent all this money like I feel so bad like

I have to do it and now that we have a baby together it's like I we have to make this work and she I remember my Sister Casey saying so clearly no you don't let's just get on a plane right now it's in the middle of the night let's leave and let Mom and Dad will handle it let's just get out of here and go to another Island and I was like Casey I can't like everyone's here I in that moment if I could go back if anything um um we signed the papers like the

registry yes like we signed the papers to solidify us being married at a nail Shop in Hawaii wow yeah um so at that point I was like well the papers are already signed um and now this huge re or celebration the actual wedding is going to happen but I wish I could go back and not have signed those papers and I I wish that I had that strength to say you know you know what I'm not ready for this and just because we had a baby together doesn't mean we have to rush into a marriage

and I was So I was almost forcing it you know and I guess I never even asked Corey if he well he did say that he had that ring for a long time waiting to ask me and in my mind I was kind of like you did like but everything that we've been through and like your behavior and actions like you had a ring but then why did you do all this stuff in between and now I know you're a little bit changed but there's just so many things going on in my mind but I

wish that I would have just held Off and that's what I tell a lot of my friends now that are engaged and they're going through ups and downs and you know I was like you really don't know a person unless until you've lived with them and just because you have a baby doesn't mean you have to get married right away I know in my mind that was so opposite because my family didn't come from divorce like you're married you stick it out and make it work it's very traditional um and especially you know You get

married then you have a baby I did it all the other way around so it's amazing how you make decisions based on a belief right so even with what you were saying as you were saying that word really hate me I have to right and I used to be there as well girl like I used to think well I have to do a cool it's not a choice yeah it is a choice and you even wrote a book cool choices which is why it's so aming you're sitting here saying but I had to and Then

you wrote a book about choices that's the evolution is realize you may not like the choice you may hate the choice I'm going to break my dad's heart all my family just wasted money that's all reality but it's still a choice and when we talk about especially as females how the hell we own our power that's such a big one which is why I love that you named the book that yeah I mean it really our life is there's choices every day we have to make and those choices Take us down a path and there's

going to be consequences with whatever choice you decide and it's just you know really not what I've learned is not to be impulsive you don't have to always give an answer right away you need to take time and process it pray about it like let it set in whether it's a day or two days like you don't have to say yes right away and sometimes when you are backed up against the wall like I was at that wedding you know I wish that I did have this Strength to just be like you know what everybody's

here I know the wedding's scheduled but everyone could just still celebrate and hang out and like enjoy Hawai but it just won't be a wedding it'll just be a celebration of friends and I don't know um but yeah every choice does have a consequence and for me I feel like I made those choices because maybe it's to write this book or to teach others like learn from my mistakes and listen to that that gut in Instinct and don't ignore ignore those feelings because I ignored everything and I just kept pushing forward and I I definitely

took the hard the hard route of Love at that point in my life so many of us blame ourselves for staying so I really want people at home to hear that that if you've made a m mistake quote unquote right if You' made a decision that you later regret you can use it to beat yourself up or you can use it as a Yes so talk to me about how you start using it as a lesson because to your point actually in fact I want to say a quote of yours that you say um when

we don't let go we hold on to hope we make excuses and then we accept the the behavior and then once you're out of it there's a moment of almost shame that you allowed that to happen yes and I went through that process you know it's almost like a process of mourning and shame and regret and humiliation you Know and I yeah for about a year I sat in that like how could I why did I put myself through this like what was I thinking and I beat myself up um but going to therapy and

just reminding yourself that there the good that came from it and what you can Inspire and teach others from it especially my daughter you know I'm teaching her on listening to that gut instinct about people and situations and if you feel something you Need to listen to it don't ignore it but my advice that I could give is don't be a rebel like I was like actually listen to other people's experiences and the choices they made and what they went through because usually if you make the same Choice you're going to go through the same

same thing it's might be worse or might be not as bad who knows but you know like learn from other other people's experiences listen ask Questions you know read books like listen to your gut instincts um don't ignore those feelings like do the right thing and surround yourself it's for me too I was surrounded by a lot of people that were enablers and anything aside from my family and close friends there was so many people in my life from being famous that were just like wanted to hang out all the time and just wanted to

be there because you're famous and you're going Here and you're invited there and they would just just agree with whatever I said or wanted to do like nobody stopped me or were like hey like that's look at what's happening like aside from my family like a lot of the people that were around me never did that so go you just hit me for six there um yeah can we go down this Rabbit Hole of enablers because that was so powerful how did you identify who the enablers were and then how did you handle it because

in the Moment the enablers feel like your friends the enablers are the ones of course I got you yes absolutely and so you may interpret it in a very different way so how what was that first step of acknowledging oh this is actually super freaking toxic yes so a lot of those people that were in my life they were around me for Fame in that as well and once they kind of climbed the ladder and got to where they wanted to be or through me got to be friends with Someone or got to be on

the show or like some whatever they wanted then they would start cutting me off or like they weren't actually there when I did need help going through these hard moments and I would call them they were never there and so my circle of friends grew smaller and smaller and smaller and then whenever it did get really bad and I isolated myself when I reached out to them they weren't there they didn't care they got What they wanted from me and I realized who my real friends were and who I could actually confide in and depend

on because it was always mutual girl betrayal is a big thing like so we've actually even touched on two right betrayal of a partner and betrayal of a friend and all of these things really do for me start to impact how I feel about myself and that's the biggest that's why I'm just obsessed with talking about like relationships and friendships and Things like this because it really does impact how we see ourselves so how did you handle a betrayal in fact if you don't mind I'd love to take one at a time so how do

you handle if you don't mind sharing the story of betrayal with a and betrayal with a friend and then I'd love to piece apart how you handle it and then again looking back what you would do differently you know what just popped in my mind because the two go hand in hand the first betrayal I ever Experienced I was like 17 so I was grounded because I was late my mom my parents were very strict when I I wasn't allowed to have boyfriends till I was 16 no makeup so when I was 17 I could

go out but my curfew was 10:00 and if I was late I was grounded for the weekend no friends can't go out out so I was late and my I found out the next week at school that my two best friends hung out with my boyfriend and I found out they had a Threesome together and I didn't find this out for about two or three weeks cuz at school I was like why why are you being so weird like what what did you guys do over the weekend and they're like oh we went met up

we went to this party and did this and that and So eventually the one friend she's like I just I have to tell like I feel so bad I have to tell you so she told me that my one friend slept with him and then I called that friend and she's like well Ash well she did too and I was like you guys both you guys all like no wonder why you're all being weird so that for me was the very first betrayal of two of my best friends and my boyfriend so I like my

heart was ripped out and I think that for me I I cut all of them off I CRI immediately did not talk to any of them I cried my eyes out and my mom and dad I would just cried to them and I was like how could they do this to me like you know and that was one of the hardest Experiences I I experienced for the very first time all in one at 17 years old so oh God that's so heartbreaking so how on cuz you said you calm off which is amazing I'm like

yes and but you still then right have had other relationships after that where someone has I believe was it Cory who you found naked women's photos okay so tell me about that if you don't mind explaining that story and then let's talk about how we can be strong in one area and then almost lose That strength again when we get into a different relationship it's so easy to build that strength up and then it just be like it just Withers away and don't got someone who's very strong yes when you're so when I was with

my ex he you know know he was traveling a lot I was working and on TV so there was a lot of insecurities and jealousy and and I started getting a lot of tweets from fans that he was making while he was on these tours that he would be making out With their friend at a bar in Oregon or Oklahoma or they'd go back to his room at night and the these were messages from fans that loved me from the show that were warning me and so I was like this is so weird I've never

experienced like this is so weird and so I would tell him and of course it would be like they're just trying to break us up no one wants us together you're going to believe a stranger over me I would never do that to you and so I was Like okay like but you didn't call me last night so what were you doing so it got to that point and then I would believe him because he was so there's that Charming you know like you want to believe him you want it to work so I believed

it I gave him the benefit of the doubt and then as time went on when I thought things were really good for three or four months and we were the best you had been then all of a sudden I you know he's at my house and he just Got gets back from tour and his phone's going off all night all night and I was like who he's passed out like okay I'm just going to pick his phone up like who keeps texting and calling like this and I won't say the girl's name so I picked

it up and I saw I was like oh my God so I knew his password so I looked at it and I was shaking like sitting there shaking it was pictures of her like legs spread open all everything and their conversation was Disgusting and I woke him up and he said that I was a psychotic whatever for going through his film that I'm super insecure and get over it like saying that I wasn't giving him enough attention or I was with producers or going to events and I wasn't giving him what he needed so it

was my fault and event like I started believing it and then I we broke up and a few months go by I leave he leaves then we're back in the same town again and we meet up and It's like you have that excitement for the first time again he's so nice and like he said he's changed and on and on and on it's like okay well it seems like you've changed the first month or whatever is great and then it slowly those bad habits starts to happen again thank you so much for your rareness by

the way and your vulnerability like that's so strong because it doesn't matter who you are on television not television so many of us Deal with these toxic relationships that do impact us and then how we show up and again I'm going to keep saying this losing our voice that's so important to me that women don't and when it comes to matters of the heart I noticed that that's where most of us women start to unwind all the work we may have done to get strong to stand up for ourselves and so when you walk away

and you said that we had that time apart were you telling yourself okay I'm going to be strong now Like so how do you go from them right then entering that relationship again I'm going to be strong you're like oh my God he's changed and then it is that one little chip at a time right there's like one and then the months go by and now you blink again and you're the old adrenal again yeah it's so easy to fall back into those old habits and you don't even realize it's happening because you're so infatuated

with just being in love and making it work and like wait But he's being so nice and I think he's really changed this time like maybe it'll really work and you know you you give them the benefit of the doubt they're telling you everything you want to hear they're doing everything you want them to and then slowly when you think it's amazing then you find naked photos or sex sext messages or you know you go out and you start hearing things and you're like what and then that trust is broke and then you it's almost

like Feeling so humiliated and just am I not good enough or what is it is it me like what can I do better to change myself so you won't have to do this it becomes more about yourself than realizing it's not you this is something that's going on in him that he has to heal from and he has issues so you need to take yourself away from that situation and remember that it's not you like it's them God that selfworth piece is so powerful and over time in my own Evolution I've really tried to work

on how do I make sure I bring my self worth to myself that I'm not looking external because to your point I want to be able to be in love with my husband and have a friendship where I trust them so much I tell them everything trust is so can build such a beautiful relationship but at the same time trust can be used as a weapon yeah and um you actually talking about in your book which I think is really powerful I love that you said This where you're like you went to therapy you're like

okay let's do couple therapy and then you're even worried that if I say to him if I reveal my vulnerability if I reveal my insecurities in this couple's therapy is he going to use it against me when I'm out of therapy when we're not seeing in this room yeah and he did everything that I did reveal every insecurity every fear everything I had been through the good and bad growing up Or through High School everything he would use to hurt me and fights or just use when he's in a mean mood or doesn't like something

I'm doing to like ruin my mood or just to hurt me it was all used to hurt and that was another trust issue it's like here we go again you know it's I had so many trust issues already just from being on TV and the people in and out of my life and even the producers of know not knowing what's real and fake on the show or like if I could really trust Them or what they said about me is that real like do you really hate me or did you like there's so many chust

issues so with him in the beginning I felt such a bond and like I could I felt safe with him and I could trust him and then it slowly started dwindling away and then with going to therapy trying to fix it and I really gave it my all like if I'm going to I give my all I pour my heart out whoever I'm with I don't jump into things fast but I ease into it and once You have me in my heart like you have it all so that's what I did I was in 500%

and I wanted to give it my all to try to make it work and with going to coup's therapy I thought maybe we could figure out figure this out for the sake of our relationship our future our child and within doing that I should have remembered that that's how he was but I wanted to believe so bad that the therapy would change him and it would Help him but he didn't want that help he didn't want the therapy that was me forcing it and pushing it on him so you you have to be careful what

I've learned is you can't change people they have to want to change and they have to go through life lessons and something to open their eyes where it makes them want to change and they have to want it I wanted it but he didn't so that was the difference dude that's so powerful because as you Were telling your other story earlier um about how you really want to trust him and you really think oh no he's come back and he says he's changed I before my husband I was in a relationship for about 3 to

four years and the exactly the same thing it was like we would break up my heart it's like I would feel like I'm getting stronger he I think would see I was getting stronger try and do everything to get me back and he's like I've changed and what I've learned Now is to ask myself the question what have they done to change MH because he may have wanted to your ex may have wanted to change and so if you say it enough sometimes you can believe your own lies right so it's like maybe he even

believed his own lie now when they believe their own lies of course they're going to be able to convince you because they actually believe it yeah so when I always reflect on what would I do differently cuz like I'm always about That like I don't be myself up over what happened in the past but I want to assess and recognize either the red flags so that I can like put it in my intuition bucket right like my my tool belt um and then figure out what I would do differently next time and so the trust

piece is so powerful because it's like of course you want to trust somebody of course if someone says look I've changed I think it can be beautiful to give someone space to change MH but The question really does remain what if youve done to change exactly and that's where actions speak loud and clear words are words like I'm I'm CH I can change or I I'm going to change I love you so much I can't live without you but it's like if you love me so much you can't live without me why are you cheating

like what what am I doing wrong or what is it how are you going to cheat change because if you look at the actions that Speaks loud and clear and it tells you right there yeah same thing I think applies with friends so was it the same kind of process where you started to trust friends again because you were even saying earlier right you were closing your circle more or and I think so many of us do that but that's really the armor yeah right that's really like maybe I don't even trust myself enough to

give myself over or to to know who to trust so I'm just going to close my Circle more and more that way less people can hurt me yep and that's kind of what I started doing and like you become isolated or well at first in my 20s I would just I was friends with everyone like everyone was my friend I wanted to take care of every oh let's all go on this trip let's all go on this plane let's do it together and then your circle grows closer the circle of trust becomes very small and

and I've realized and what I've been through that I still have trust issues that I'm working through and you know even even every day I question people or their actions or I'm very observant and I sit back and I watch and I don't give as much and especially like getting back into the dating world and and all of that you know I I have I eased into it and it took me a long time because I had been through so much and I also didn't want to be with someone where I was they weren't able

to handle me and what comes With me so has to be a very strong person how are you working through them right now the second guessing part because to your point you even said like I'm questioning and there's that part of me there like oh yeah when you've been burned you're questioning whether the stove's going to be hot again right because you don't want to get burned again but how much of it starts to become a problem where you almost can't trust people when they are genuine I Know and that's I've actually have experienced this

recently because in my mind um I'm thinking a certain way and I'm projecting it onto that person and then it's almost insulting to them because they're like I know what I'm getting into like I like you I would not be here if I didn't so you need to trust me on that and so that kind of opened my eyes where I need to stop projecting my fears and what I've been through onto other people and give them a a shot Because it's like learning to trust again and to let people in and there are still

good people out there you know it's not the end of the world like life goes on you go through these Great Moments bad moments but you take the good from it and the lessons and you keep moving forward so true and then one more thing I'd love to add to that is you always sometimes have the confirmation bias because you've been hurt so much you're questioning right so Whether it's you're dating whether it's a friendship right so it's like your friend you've been B by a friend before and now someone comes in your life they

may do something that you're other friend did so now you're just like hang on a minute I recognize that behavior and now what you're doing is you're waiting for for the other ball to drop exactly and you're just sitting there waiting so now it's you're just waiting to confirm that you can't trust them mhm I don't let a lot of people in and I know a lot of the friends in the industry are the same way so I feel like we kind of connect on a different level because we all have the same issues and

an understanding but yeah with friendships it's crazy because you do recognize little habits or things from other friends of the past you're like hm like what are what are your motives why are you you so why are you trying to be my friend so much or or you notice Little things and it's like I don't know now I have like my core group of friends and it's like if I connect with someone and there's a chemistry that's undeniable I've had with some of my best friends that were my friend bana who was did my hair

like 20 years ago my best friend Joey who's a stylist like we had that instant friend chemistry and we're still friends to this day like sometimes you just know you're you're brought to the right person so it's like you can't Doubt everybody but just look for the signs and you're smart you've been through enough to where you know at this point I love that people that may be listening you did this with your mind and that's kind of like just keep thinking about it keep looking at it like know that it's an evolution I think

that's really powerful because what someone may have done once upon a time that behavior trait may not be in and of itself mean Craw um but when you spot the behavior tra maybe you sometimes get triggered right we like oh hang on a minute the last person did that to me what does this mean um but I do think like not like being able to be okay well that was the past I'm going to learn from it so you've mentioned got intuition that's another thing I talk about a lot yeah oh well and that and

also like seeing something with someone that also kind of being triggered that also is like okay Well this is my chance to set a boundary because in the past I would have never communicated my feelings or said what I wanted or what I was uncomfortable with or what was not okay so this is your chance to kind of voice that and set that boundary and if that friend or that boyfriend or whoever can't respect that then there's your answer I love it how do you approach boundaries boundaries oh my goodness I mean it's all about

communication I Really have worked hard on healing and communicating how I feel and what I want and what is not okay and sometimes there might be a question or a scenario that happens that I'm not cool with but I don't react right away I kind of have to process it and think about it like okay I didn't like this where is it coming from what is the trigger and what do I need to voice about it so the other person understands where I'm coming from and then based on their response is kind Of where the

direction could go or like you know if we're meetting the middle somehow and then you set that boundary or even if you have friends that call you and they're venting and you're not you're mentally and emotionally not in a good place to take on all their heated conversation and it's like super heavy you kind of have to learn how to kindly set put your foot down and be like you know I I really want to listen to you but right now like I just don't have it In me to take on what you're about to

say so give me like let me call you back cuz I just I'm not in the right place right now to take it on I'm so wide-eyed right now because thank you for bringing that up I want to go a little deeper here because this is so powerful because homie it's like you care about your friends you want to be there for your friends you love your friends and at the same time we're sitting here saying we've got to take care of ourselves we Got to love ourselves we got to know our own self worth

and if we keep giving it um if we keep putting ourselves aside for everyone else now we're teaching ourselves that we're not worthy then we end up getting in relationships or in a business where maybe someone who pushes you around con moment of that like I am so drained right now and it's incoming right and it's someone that you love MH in the past me myself included is just taking It on you just take it on and then after that call you're so depleted and your mood's different and you're just like whoo like that was

a lot to take on so how have you friends responded when You' said that to them they respect it you know cuz you have a mutual respect for each other and what you're going through and what you can and even my sisters you know they took on all of that with my toxic relationship and afterwards looking back I was like wow you guys Never hung up on me you always were there for me and I wanted to apologize to them for putting them through that over and over and over and my friends cuz they listened

to it and would give me the same advice over and over and they never shut me out you know but they could have been like well then yeah so my sister Samantha is very like she all about healing and spirituality and everything so she's amazing with that and setting boundaries and just letting People know that I don't like this environment it's too much for me so I'm going to go but I'll call you later you know if she's around something or someone that's just it's too much for her to take on so she's very inspiring

with all that too what if it's a friend though that feels um like they're being dismissed I've I've experienced that where sometimes they won't they won't stop talking or they won't go and it's like oh my gosh like how many times do I Have to say this before I'm going to end up sounding rude or just cutting them off then they're mad at you it's a fine line and it's you know it's like you want your voice to be heard and you don't want to hurt that person's feelings but sometimes you have to be loud

and clear and just blunt I know it's hard but here's it's hard it is hard but the fact that you're saying look it's hard but you still got to do it that's the gold right there Right it's not that it's easy for you it's not that it comes simply for you it's that it's hard and you still do it yeah and letting them know too that this is coming from a place of love and I'm being completely honest right now all you could do is speak from your heart and it's coming from a good place

so as long as they know that they should understand if not and they just keep going and going and going they have no respect for you and your feelings oh I Love that and there's one thing like you earn a reputation so if you've been like an amazing friend for 10 years and every time they need you you're there and then the one time you're like hey I actually need to be there for myself and I actually had this situation with my sister um where it's like you know like hey look if I can't be

here for you right now it's not that I don't love you it's like hopefully for the last 20 30 years I've shown up for you so the time that I am unable to hopefully you understand that it's not a reflection of you it's actually a reflection of me where I am right now and that I can be honest with you about it MH yeah and I think that's a lot of people take things to heart and they always think it's about them a lot of people talk about themselves all the time or they think if

something happens or someone's in a bad mood it's what did I do no it's not always about you like I Have to remind myself cuz I still naturally automatically go oh my God what did I do wrong I do even now I do too but again I don't almost like I don't know about you I don't beat myself up over it though I just go oh here we go Lisa making it about you no it may not be about you actually find out who it's about or what it's about maybe they're struggling and they don't

feel comfortable telling you yeah it's just taking that step back and looking at the Whole picture before you assess or like not not judge it but like before you think it's about you or it's something that you did or even on an airplane I'll be sitting there and I'm like every single person here and I'll be looking at someone and it's like I wonder what they're going through every person has a different story and everybody has hard things that they're going through and they're hurting and you know some people have great things but everybody has

a Little bit of hurt in them that you can relate to somehow so it's like be careful when you're so quick to judge someone or when someone's in a bad mood or you're at the grocery store and they snap on you it's like you don't have to snap back like maybe they just need love maybe they need a smile it's such a fine line between like showing them The Compassion when someone is rude to you and just taking yeah and that's like the kindness you mistake kindness For weakness there it is again full so cool

girl and it really is those nuances I just have a great quote of yours that I'd love to um say because when I think of nuances when I think of how we interpret things sometimes it can be for the good and sometimes it be so detrimental um and you have a quite bad jealousy there's a fine line between affectionate and proud and being possessive and jealous and when I think about what we're talking about even now Right where the nuances are there's massive Nuance to that and to your point when I was super insecure my

ex-boyfriend was super jealous and I was like well he cares about me yeah I was the same way you know it's especially if he got super jealous or insecure about a producer that I was working with or other you know male co-stars or whatever that I was around he would get so mad and in my mind it's like oh he really really like cares about me but Then it starts then it starts affecting your mental state and you can't focus and you can't work and then you're worried like I'm not going to i' I'd rather

just not deal with fighting or the accusation so I'd rather just not do this job like I'll just I'll not accept it for the sake of that fight or to save a fight or that relationship and that's not healthy how would you process that now then oh my goodness it was so unhealthy that was toxic I think now if I was back in that situation you know it's it all comes down to trust and security like if you don't feel secure in a friendship or relationship or feel that you could trust that person then there's

there's no trust there's no relationship sh there's no friendship it really comes down to trust and maybe there's things that are not being communicated to help that person feel like sometimes maybe all they need Is a quick text like I miss you or here's a picture like hey this is what we're doing I'm so excited to tell you all about it you know just making them feel a part of but then there is a fine line of of that jealousy and that possessiveness that's not healthy and some people that's just how they are that's not

not my cup of tea so that's how you are but that's not how I am and I don't like it So yeah you Lally about to take that word out my mouth because it's like it's beautiful right where you're just like hey baby I love you just reminded maybe I'm not saying it enough because I am so the person like I have to look inwards first like am I showing up and giving that person that love and they do they feel like um they're respected and loved by me and things like that and at the

same time making sure you're not pushing yourself so much to try and Validate it because they they have got so much insecurity and now what you're doing is just feeding the Beast exactly and then you're everything that all consumes you and it's all about making sure they're happy all the time and then you lose yourself you start de pleting and your happiness slowly starts going away and your life and what you want and what matters about you is not it doesn't matter anymore because it's all about that person yeah so I think with this Sort

of thing when it comes to like the Nuance I would definitely look and go um is this true I'm always asking that question right because it's like immediately I always want to put my Defence someone it's like it's not me you know so like I'm that's something I've worked on a lot like okay pause is this true and then really assess because if you want a relationship to work if you want a friendship to work it takes both parties it does so assessing Whether this is you and then really being able to be honest because

if you want the relationship to work and you know you have to show up with 50% of it y then make sure you're actually showing up with 50% yeah I think on the Hills I always used to say to have a friend you have to be a friend I would always say that and it's so true because it can't just be one-sided all the time it has to be both sided there has to be communication and you know you have to Be honest about how you feel and where you have to be vulnerable you can't

be afraid or step back and be afraid because they might get mad there's ways of expressing your emotions and your feelings that won't make that person mad you just have to be careful of your wording and and just speak from your heart but not so it's not attack full or you know they don't get defensive but it's not about them it's more about you and how you're feeling so how would you Approach that what sort of language would you use I do this all the time I feel it depends on the person too because some

people in my life are so blunt and insensitive but they're very like honest and I I love that so I don't take offense to it but sometimes I'll be like ooh that was that was a little harsh like you could have said that a little differently cuz I was hurtful so also like if someone says something you have to let them know too like that came Off really hurtful and insensitive and you know I think I know what you're well obviously I know what you're trying to say because you're so blunt about it but I'm

sensitive like can you be a little ease up on that yeah there's a way to to communicate with people some people are really sensitive some aren't some can take it just to each his own yeah they're so powerful because some it does depend on intention intention matters you know and so I've Been married now for 20 years and so if I don't know my husband by now right so it's like I know his intention but sometimes he says things that are like Sting me because he's way I'm I'm blunt girl he's like next level blunt

so I've done that work and then my husband being blunt what I'll do in those situations I know his intention and then I'll say hey to your point I'm a little upset like that did hurt I know you didn't mean to but you've actually triggered me now Even with triggers I got I recognize the Triggers on me it is my trigger I have to work through it I don't want to live a life of triggers so I'll also say I'm working on this trigger but for now until I'm through it please don't use this word

don't use this phrase and now back to your point about communication you're letting that person in versus keeping them at arms length exactly so there's no resentment or it builds up I actually experienced this probably a few Months ago but there was a trigger and I caught myself like CU all the healing and recognizing those really helps but you have to remind yourself it takes work to remind yourself but I'm you know it's FID ORF flight I'm a flight person I'm out of there and so instead of communicating my feelings I was like I'm out

bye I'm leaving and then I was like wait I need to talk through this and explain everything of why it upset me what happened and it was amazing it was Communicating and like working through that trigger and now that trigger won't trigger me as much because I've recognized it and I know how to work through it m Homie don't get played click here right now to learn the signs that yes they are lying we have to get very specific on what cues are and what they mean that way we can trust hm I have an

instinct this person is lying to me okay I know exactly what cues to look for