-Our next guest has his comedy special, "Small Ball," available in movie theaters one night only on May 21st. Please welcome the very funny Joe List! [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ -Thank you very much.
I am a dumb person. Um, no, I am. Not that dumb.
This is the kind of dumb I am. Like, you ever watch a movie with a friend? And then after the movie's over, your friend says, "You know what that movie was about?
" And then you say, "Yes. Sharks. " And your friend says, "No.
Communism. " And you're like, "Damn it! There were so many sharks in it, though!
" And then your friend says, "It was an allegory," and then you have to go to the bathroom and look up what "allegory" means. Then you got to come back and play it off. You're like, "You know what?
I was thinking about it. That was a film with a secret, hidden message, usually political or moral, right? Those sharks were awfully communist.
" I like to watch a movie with a really smart person and then rewatch the same movie with a dumb person. And then I take the smart person's interpretations, and then at least one person thinks I'm smart. It's pretty good.
[ Applause ] Yeah. I watch the same movie. I'm like, "What, do you think this movie's about sharks?
" He's like, "It's not? " And I'm like, "No. It's an alimony, you idiot.
Learn how to watch a film. This is cinema. " I'm like, "Those sharks are communists.
" And he's like, "What is communism exactly? " And I'm like, "I'm not taking follow-up questions right now. It's, um -- Let me go to the bathroom.
I'll come back with some information on communism. " I'm trying to be smart. I'm a dad now.
I have a baby at home, which is very exciting. [ Cheers and applause ] Thank you. Yes.
He's a sweet boy, and I try to be a good dad. I took him out to lunch the other day. We were at a restaurant, and he was sitting in his highchair, and the waitress brought him some food.
And I said, "Say thank you. " You got to teach him the language. He doesn't really know how to say "thank you" yet, but you want to teach him manners and the language.
So I said, "Say thank you. " And then the waitress went, "Oh, I'm sorry. Thank you.
" Like. . .
she thought I was talking to her. She thought I was like, "Hey, toots! Say thank you to my boy!
What is this? ! He's kind enough to let you bring him food that he throws on the floor immediately.
At least you could do is show him some respect, you know? " That happens a lot, by the way. If you have a baby that doesn't know how to talk, and then you talk to the baby, adults assume you're talking to them.
My wife does it, and it's her baby, which is weird. Like, the other day, he was eating a banana, and I said, "What are you eating, buddy? " And my wife went, "It's a banana.
" And I was like, "No, I know. I know it's -- I know about bananas. I'm 43.
I was just trying to -- just trying to connect with him, you know? " I wasn't like, "What the hell is that? !
" You know? I was. .
. I think I'm a good dad. I kept having -- I felt like the universe was testing me leading up to being a father.
I kept having run-ins with other people's children, which is always awkward. Last year, I was in a hotel. Like, a really nice hotel.
Like, a high-rise hotel. And I got on an elevator, and it was me and a dad and his little boy, who was probably 2 or 3. And then the doors closed.
We were going down. We stopped at a floor. The doors opened.
Nobody got off or on. Then the doors closed. And so I said, "Hey.
It must have been a ghost. " Classic elevator humor. That's not my joke.
I didn't write that. That's just an old elevator gag. You guys didn't really laugh.
They did not laugh at all. They -- The kid started crying immediately. Just -- I was like, "Hey.
It must have been a ghost. " The kid was like, "What? !
Aah! " And I felt bad for the kid. But then the dad goes, "Hey, come on!
" And I was like, "Pal, your kid is a little bitch. I'm sorry. This is not my fault.
You're -- You're raising a dork who's afraid of ghosts. It was a joke! " I tried to make him feel better.
I was like, "Buddy. . .
ghosts don't need the doors to open! [ Laughter ] They come through the walls! They're boundless spirits that haunt you at night.
" You know? Didn't help. I could have ruined his life, by the way.
I could have been like -- [ Gasping ] You know? Falling down like, "Argggh! " You know?
As they were leaving, I was like, "Watch out. He's following you. Keep an eye out.
He's right behind you. Stay up. Don't go to bed.
That's when he gets you. Urinate in the bed. That's the best way to keep him away.
And your father's bed. Protect the family at all costs. " [ Cheers and applause ] Oh.
Thank you. Thanks. I had another one, too.
This happened also last year. I was walking through the Salt Lake City airport, and this time it was a girl having a little tantrum. Like, a 2- or 3-year-old girl.
And you know when a kid really loses it, like, on the ground, kicking and screaming? And then her mother tried to get me involved. I don't know if you've ever experienced that.
She bent over. She's like, "You better get off the ground. There's a nice man right here.
He's going to step on your leg and break it if you don't get up. " I swear. And then the baby looks at me like I'm a -- I'm like, "I didn't say that.
Your mother is projecting. " The mother looked at me like, "Ah, just. .
. " I'm like, "You want me to go along with that? !
" Like, "That's right, ya jerk! Get up or I'll smash your leg! " I'm like -- You guys are awesome.
Thank you, guys, so much. Thanks for having me. Appreciate it.
[ Cheers and applause ] Thank you. -Oh, my gosh. That's fantastic, buddy.
Thank you very much. Joe List! [ Cheers and applause ] Yeah.
Well done, bud. Not bad. His special, "Small Ball," will be in theaters May 21st for one night only!
Get your tickets now. Joe List!
