Why is it So Hard to be A Good Asian Kid?

every year that goes by it's harder and harder to be a good Asian kid [Music] and chances are your parents actually don't care if you look at things across the board it's harder to be at the top of your class it's harder to get straight A's it's harder to get into good colleges all kinds of jobs are actually getting more and more competitive now like so it used to be that you needed a good degree from an Ivy League institution to get a job at a top tier company like Google but now you actually don't even need a college degree and so Asian kids in particular are kind of getting crunched and we're seeing this in the form of a mental health crisis for Asian kids the simplest way that this is manifesting is incredibly High suicide rates people between the ages of 20 and 24 for most Americans it's actually accidents that's the number one cause of death but since Asian kids are so freaking careful right you guys are not going to put yourselves in accident-prone situations so actually the most the thing that you have to be the most careful around is yourself suicide rates are incredibly high and that's just one manifestation of the Asian American Mental Health crisis so let's take a look at how some of these things in intersect and we're going to start off by looking at is it actually getting harder to be a successful Asian kid and this is where unfortunately the answer is yes so we're going to take one simple statistic so if you look at Medical College admissions tests amongst ethnicities what you find is that if you want to get into med school in the U. S and you're an Asian kid you have to score in the top 23 percent of pre-med students so you have to be in the top 23 out of 100 to actually get into medical school if you're Caucasian you still have to be in the top maybe 30 to 35 percent of students who are applying to medical school if you're Latino you actually have to be you can be in the bottom half so you have to be in the top 54 percent which means that you just have to outperform 46 other students out of a hundred and if you're black or African-American you have to be in the top 73 which means you just have to beat 23 out of 100 kids to get into med school I want to take a moment to thank our hdq coaches I've taught it a lot of different places and worked with a lot of different people and honestly our coaches are some of the best people I've ever worked with he coaches have helped over 10 000 people find purpose Direction and improve their mental health after about 20 weeks of coaching the average client experiences a 58 Improvement in sense of purpose in life a 45 Improvement in feelings of anxiety and even a 35 reduction in feelings of Despair and this isn't just me saying this at this point we've done this for three years run six research studies and even presented our findings at the American Psychiatric association National Conference over 100 000 sessions later I can confidently say this works so if you're interested in checking out he coaching for yourself go to healthygamer. gg coaching to learn more now I'm not saying that this policy is necessarily bad so there are a lot of things that go into being a good doctor and forming a good application for medical school and I'll be the first one to say that I think it's a great idea to have a lot of people in medical school who are not necessarily great test takers there's a lot more to being a doctor than taking a test at the same time though I think it's really important to acknowledge that if you look at it objectively if you're an Asian kid who's applying to med school you have to far out perform every other ethnicity we're talking about some ethnicities that can even be in the bottom half of applicants or even close to the bottom quarter of applicants and still get into med school whereas you have to be in the top 23 percent so objectively achieving the goals that your parents May set out for you or that you may set out for you is actually really hard the other problem that Asian Americans tend to deal with is this idea of a model minority myth and if you grew up as an Asian kid you kind of know that like people are like oh so you're Asian that means you must be good at math but the truth of the matter is that Asian Americans or Asians in general are not like better or worse at anything than any other ethnicity similarly it's not like black kids are better or worse or smarter or stupider than any other ethnicity what we know from a ton of data about ethnicity is that there's a large variation within the population and that a particular race is not associated with any sort of particular performance the challenge is that if you're an Asian kid people measure you up and expect a lot more from you and that puts a lot of pressure on us especially when it comes from places like our parents so we sort of know that Asian kids face a lot of this pressure and this leads to a lot of stress the problem is that as Asian kids are facing all of this pressure to succeed and they don't necessarily have particular advantages at achieving that success they get kind of crunched and it affects their mental health it's bad enough that Asian Americans may actually have objective things going against them that makes it hard for them to succeed but the real problem is that from a cultural perspective and family perspective oftentimes our parents actually don't give a crap right they don't actually care that your disadvantage when applying to medical school they just want you to be a doctor and so now what we're going to dive in to is some of the attitudes that result in this Asian American Mental Health crisis the first thing that we're going to talk about is a high pressure for Success so a lot of us have parents who expect a lot of us from us right they actually don't really care about why we can't do something or even what we want to do they expect us to succeed kind of no matter what and if you're an Asian kid it doesn't matter what your circumstances are it doesn't matter what's going on in the world you should succeed because I think you should succeed now the next problem that we tend to run into if you sort of look at Asian American cultures is that we're all about saving face so if you look at other people who struggle so everyone's facing the same environment right so the world is getting harder for everybody and then the question kind of becomes well if the world is getting harder for everybody why is it that Asian American suicide is it an all-time high and y'all are number one or we're number one right we did it we're number one what's going on there why is it that a harder situation in the world is affecting Asian Americans specifically and that has a lot to do with our culture and expectations so we're going to dive into some cultural beliefs that make it hard for Asian Americans to get help and therefore deal with all of the problems in the world the first thing is a very very high Reliance on personal responsibility right so like generally speaking if you're an Asian kid or Asian American if there's some problem in life like you're responsible for fixing it like especially if it's internal right because getting help for stuff like it's okay to get help for like math math tutoring so you can be at the top of your class because go to Kumon class and whatever right that's okay but any kind of personal deficiency that you have or any kind of struggle that you have first of all is equated to a personal deficiency because if you didn't get an A that's your fault right forget about the situation forget about the environment there's an emphasis on personal responsibility for every thing so there's no appreciation for environmental struggles like your parents don't care that you're getting bullied your parents don't care that you need glasses your parents don't care about any of that stuff they don't care that you have ADHD they don't care that you have depression like that stuff isn't real like if there is a problem in your life you should be able to fix it on your own right so that's the first belief that we've got to be super careful about the second issue that's really really concerning is a lot of Asian Americans and families care a lot about saving face so this is also where if you're struggling first of all you've got to fix it yourself and secondly you better not ask anybody else for help because what if people find out oh my God you're depressed like you better not see a therapist what if someone finds out that you you see a therapist what if someone you know what if you tell someone no oh my God that would be so embarrassing because if you were seeing a therapist or if you were getting help for problems that would reflect poorly on us as parents that means that we're not raising you right right this other kid down the street Lord that boy down the street he's not in therapy and he is getting A's and his parents smack him more than I smack you like what is your problem we can't let anybody know and so since there is this emphasis on Saving Face it means that you can't go to other people for help right because that's incredibly embarrassing it makes us look bad look what the hell is wrong with you not only are you screwing up now you're gonna make us look bad that's a terrible idea and the last thing that is actually kind of really unfortunate is that from an Asian American culture oftentimes we only care about fixing what we can see so Asian Asian parents especially like they're totally fine getting you medical care because there's a broken bone and they can see that the bone is broken they're totally fine getting you a math tutor because they can see the grade right it's a b instead of an A or a B plus instead of an A and like that's unacceptable but if you really look at Asian American parents and culture we really prioritize things that we can see and the problem is that with a lot of mental health struggles you can't see them right what does it look like from the outside why are you so lazy get up you should get up on time you need to be studying more I don't care you should be sitting there at the desk and learn to concentrate just focus just do it just focus just do it if they can't see it it isn't real and this sort of puts Asian kids in an incredibly tough spot because it's difficult for you to have a language to articulate what you're struggling with and furthermore since you can't show it to your parents they don't take it seriously if you're hearing what I'm saying hopefully some of this stuff is resonating with you hopefully you sort of recognize that the world is becoming a slightly more difficult place maybe your parents are putting way too much responsibility on you and that you feel a little bit embarrassed or even actively discouraged from seeking help so what do we do about this situation before we get there I want to start by sort of doing a little cognitive test so I'm going to say a couple things and I want you to pay attention to your reaction okay the first thing is that hey it's okay to get help right like you don't have to live life all on your own it's like totally fine for you to get help you should seek help you deserve help and pay attention to what your reaction is if you kind of agreed with me intellectually like yeah like it is okay for people who are struggling to get help it's not okay for me to get help I should be able to do it on my own right like I get that DrK is saying that it's okay for people to get help but I should be able to do it on my own right I don't know if I really need help I don't know if I deserve help if that was your reaction that's just a sign that you've been conditioned by this sort of like Asian American culture or Asian culture to over rely on personal responsibility okay so let's try another one the world is objectively getting harder right it's okay that you're not as successful as maybe you quote unquote should be maybe actually the level of success that you have right now is appropriate maybe the reason that you're not at the top of your class is because you genuinely have a very hard life what's your reaction to that well let's try this on precise yeah but other people are able to do it right so hey you're saying DrK that the world is getting harder but sejal is still able to get straight A's if your mind jumps to comparison and says oh but you're saying that everything is getting harder for everybody I should be doing better and how do I know I should be doing better because other people are doing better they're able to do it so why shouldn't I be able to do it if your mind jumps to comparison when I talk about oh my God things are actually hard for you and you say yeah but someone else is able to do it that once again is Asian conditioning because what do Asian parents do this person is getting straight a bad part isn't getting steady this person is getting straight A and is winner of chess tournament you got second place in chess tournament and second place in maths and they are getting number one place in everything why can't you be like them and you can't say well maybe because their parents are emotionally supportive and actually help them instead of making them feel small and want to kill themselves but you can't say that right so that's test number two like what's your reaction when I say hey the world is genuinely getting harder her and like maybe it's you're actually doing pretty well for your circumstances if you're if you turn to someone else then like maybe that's a sign that you've been conditioned in this negative way the last thing that we're going to talk a little bit about is if I say okay you should get help and let's say that you bypass the first two cognitive traps then you're gonna kind of say well it's expensive right I don't really know how do I know it's worth a fit right because this is the third thing I was once reading a paper on Psychotherapy of Asian Americans specifically and there's this really great quote where this one girl is like every time I go to the therapist all I'm thinking about is that this is costing my parents five dollars a minute every minute that goes by my parents are losing five dollars five dollars five dollars five dollars five dollars that's all I can think about the whole time I'm there and am I using that five dollars well enough so if you're thinking about if I tell you to get help in your reaction as well like I don't know if it's going to be worth it how do I know if it's worth it so let's think about that for a second because this I think is going to be revealing so if you don't think that the help is worth it sometimes people don't think that they their help is worth it because they don't deserve help like how much is this really going to help me is this going to help me 10 20 30 I don't know if it's worth it and this is what's really tricky is like even if it isn't worth it do you deserve the help anyway like is it worth it for you to go see a therapist like do you deserve to feel better about yourself do you deserve for life to be a little bit easier and this is actually what's so devastating is when we're raised in a culture that places our value as human beings on our accomplishments or relative to other human beings when your parents say you are worth less than this per this kid down the street because they got a 4.

0 and you got a 3. 9 that does something very damaging to your self-esteem and once you believe that you are not a good human being then you are less worth investing in right because if there's a 4. 0 kid who has a problem if he's at the top of the class and number one in this and number one and this number one is they're worth investing in right because the return on your investment is going to be so high but if you're an ordinary Asian kid who has super ordinary expectations on them then you are going to feel like any kind of help may not be worth it if you are worth more than it's worth more investing right makes perfect sense and this is actually what's so devastating because this is what keeps Asian American kids from reaching out for help because they're they're afraid that they're not going to be worth enough it's not going to be help them enough and that's what's so devastating about it and so now the last question is okay so like what do we do about this right because we sort of know all kinds of stuff that there's Asian American Mental Health crisis suicide rates are very high by the way if you look at statistics on like Asian women for example they are the number one buyer of self-help books right so when they have a problem it's personal responsibility I shouldn't tell a damn Soul I'm gonna order something from the dark parts of the internet on self-help and dealing with depression and all this kind of stuff because no one can know so the first thing that I'm going to say is you should get help and all of those problems that we just talked about are going to crop up again you're going to have those kinds of thoughts do I deserve it oh like but what if it doesn't work like all those kinds of thoughts are going to crop up the next thing to think a little bit about is I'm going to ask you a little bit about what you want so what do you want from life because the challenge here is that if you're an Asian kid what you want has been like serially beaten out of you your entire life because if you're an Asian American kid if you're an Asian kid you grow up in a household and what you want is like the least important thing in the universe so like if you wanted to learn bass guitar or saxophone like what are you talking about kid it's like piano or violin like if you want to be a real Rebel you can you learn the cello I guess it's like you gotta learn one instrument you gotta do one extra curriculum you gotta do math club Debate Club maybe and then you can learn one sport and they're approved Sports you can't learn lacrosse you can be like a competitive swimmer you can learn tennis like there are a couple of sports that you can do but you can't do basketball that's crazy soccer like I don't think so maybe maybe soccer there's the pre-approved things and so your whole life what you want has been knocked out of you and so what do Asian kids do they Rebel in secret ways yeah my parents forced me to be an engineer but instead of actually studying I'm because I can't bring myself to study because I actually don't want to be an engineer I'm going to just play League of Legends and sit in my basement all day right I'm gonna skirt by with bees and then my parents are gonna yell at me some and I'm not gonna say anything I'm gonna clam down I'm gonna become a shell of my former self and then once they stop yelling at me I'm gonna go back to school and I'm gonna try really hard to change my life and I'm Gonna Keep playing League of Legends so you're gonna have your quiet Rebellion so how do we turn the ship around let's start by asking you what do you want and the second question then becomes okay if this is what you want are you willing to accept some help in getting it because there is a ton of stress like are you okay accepting some help notice I didn't ask do you deserve help do you need help I'm not gonna ask those questions because we know what the answers are do you deserve help well other people don't deserve it so why should I deserve it I don't deserve it because I got C's instead of A's and the kids who deserve help are the kids who deserve anything are the ones who are the model Asian kids and what about the need question did I ask do you need help no of course not because if I ask you do you need help what are you gonna say oh my God it's so pathetic that I need help I better not tell a soul it's so incredibly shaming and we'd lose so much face if people knew that I needed help so we're not we're going to steal clear those questions so the question that I'm going to ask you is for the things that you want are you willing to accept help how long do you want to continue living this way right like is it worth it like you're not accomplishing what your parents dreams which by the way is why they manufactured you right is to be an instrument of their dreams and you're not living your own life like you're disappointing them and your life sucks so are you willing to consider accepting some help because the good news is that help helps a lot like if you're in this situation I can say this from the bottom of my heart this is as an Asian kid who almost failed out of college had less than the 2.

0 GPA and then you know was my parents worst nightmare which is oh my God my Outlook has a 1.