hey um everybody thanks for being here by the way and thanks for that uh that energy back at you and all that stuff um this is my last season in case you didn't know that and if you didn't know surprise it's my last season um but anyway the other day i was thinking about um how many monologues i've done because you know i've done a lot of monologues because each show i do a monologue and each season i do 170 shows and then i've done 19 seasons so you do the math seriously you do the
math i don't i don't i don't know how to do math anyway it's a lot of monologues so uh i do a monologue and i know how to do a monologue but a lot of people don't like you probably don't know how to do a monologue so i thought well i'll teach you how to do a monologue because who knows maybe one of you can take over when i leave you know yeah um let's be realistic probably not i mean they're probably going to go with the name but anyway the first part of the monologue
is very simple uh you just walk out here everybody cheers for you you know and it's hard to mess up like that thank you thank you you know that's hard to mess up because you're just walking out here unless you trip and you fall down and then you're already getting laughs which is important you want laughs so if you fall down still win-win um and then uh everyone's standing and cheering and then you say please have a seat and this is very important because one time um i forgot to say it in the audience stood
the entire show and that was the same show coincidentally that i forgot to say goodbye and the whole audience stayed all weekend long they didn't leave yeah the lights were out it was cold anyway so then you move on to a topic of the monologue you pick a topic um a lot of times i'll talk about something that's in the news so i'll show a headline to prove that it's real um like i'll show here's a study i saw 40 of people check their phone immediately after sex and then you would say something like the
other 60 check their phone during sex you know and then people laugh you know and then uh you can use funny photos uh in a monologue as well and uh you could show a photo here's a i'll show you how it works you show a photo and then you tell a joke like here for example you can show a picture of it's a smoking robot and then people are like oh why are you gonna make a robot smoke and then you say no no it's okay he only smokes when he drinks yeah sometimes during the
monologue what i'll do is uh i'll just talk to an audience member because that eats up time you know and i'll ask somebody something random um uh you in the yellow ma'am right there yeah you have yellow on high how are you good in yourself i'm good thank you for asking what's your name donna donna tell me something about yourself [Music] sometimes it goes like this where they don't have anything you know it's okay just tell me where you're from san diego san diego see that's great have a seat thanks donna yeah see how that
worked out that was good um let's try it again let's uh andy i'm going to make you run over here there's a gentleman right there yeah you stand up because i was watching you dance earlier hi hi hi tell me tell me uh the most interesting thing about yourself i still have my childhood stuffed animal he's a little dog named doofus ah that's fantastic that's adorable what's your name i'm kevin all right kevin thank you for sharing that i appreciate it little doofus is still with you good for you all right so that's pretty much
the bulk of the monologue you get some people to do the hard work the heavy lifting and then the last part of the monologue this is the exciting part because i get to bring out twitch and i find that it helps if you do like a double entendre something like hey this guy should be a pirate because everybody is after his booty give it up for twitch [Music] you
