If I Had SOCIAL ANXIETY, I'd Do This First...

- Look at the crowd, take it in. How does it feel to be right up here, up front? Being stared at and being judged by this entire crowd?

What's your mind saying right now? What's it yapping about? - That I want to get going away from here.

- Yeah. Why? What's so scary?

What's so bad about being seen? Because technically for all of you, you've already heard this, right? The fear of public speaking, one of the scariest things in the world.

Ask yourself, well why? Well, it boils down to being seen by a lot of people. If you're scared of public speaking, you're just scared of being seen.

Let me stay in the shadows. No, don't look at me, don't judge me. What's so scary about being seen for who you are?

What are you hiding? Another key question you should all ask yourselves. The more you're afraid of, say public speaking or putting yourself out there, the more you're hiding and the more you are putting on a certain front, a fake front.

Now, this was a lot of my journey starting out. I'm not talking to you as someone who thinks, huh, you little fakies, I'm above you. No, no, no.

I know what it's like. But there's a big shift that happens when you can start owning who you are internally and then letting that manifest externally. Where, hey, what you see is what you get.

This is me. I'm not hiding. I'm not trying to be cool, trying to be someone or something that I'm not.

This is me. If you know that for a fact, ah, you can relax 'cause that's you. But if I'm trying to scam you into being something that I'm not.

Being better, different, well then there's anxiety. 'Cause what if you see through the front? So for you right now, there's a certain amount of anxiety 'cause you are afraid that people will see what's really going on.

Now it could be that, well, I'm afraid that people will see that I'm actually scared. Well, why is that scary? Why can't you just own your fear?

Why can't you own your anxiety? Why is it so scary to come up and be like, Hey, you know what, everyone I'm scared. Just actually saying that, ugh, relief.

'Cause it starts chipping away at that front. I call this also the eight mile mindset. Eminem, you've seen the movie "8 Mile"?

Yeah. How does he win the rap battle at the end? He puts all his weaknesses out there.

Done. Now it's out there. Invincible.

So what are you hiding? Ooh, let's see. I'm curious.

What are you hiding, you naughty, naughty person? (audience laughing) Tell them. We're all very curious.

What are you hiding right now? What are you afraid everyone is gonna see phew, if they see past the front. - I guess that I, that is not much there, I feel like I.

- How so? Not much there. What does that mean?

- Yeah, maybe not like, I know much of personality much to give to other, like. - Okay. Well there's some valuable data.

For all of you here, okay, I don't have much personality. Don't try to reframe it or fight against it. Ask yourself, when did I start believing this?

Because you weren't born like this. Something happened. Some experiences, that conditioned that belief.

I'm someone with no personality. When did you start believing that? - Say many years ago?

- When? Tell me exactly if you can remember. - I can't say like an exact moment.

- Do your best then. What's the earliest situation? There's you before coming outta your mother as a baby, you have personality, wah.

You're not stop (imitates baby crying). You're there. And then something happened in your life where there's you before and you after.

- Yeah, maybe like in school, in class, being like the quiet kid. Not saying that much. - When did that start?

When did you start getting labeled as the quiet kid in school? - Like since I started. - What age?

Guess. - Yeah. Like six, seven.

- Okay. What did people say? How did you feel about it?

Is there an event you remember that kind of led to that shift to I guess I'm the quiet kid. - Well, not a specific event. Like yeah, just, yeah, just that's like how it's been always.

- Hmm. - Yeah. - Okay.

What's so scary or bad about being loud or expressive? - I dunno. I feel like there's a barrier.

- Yeah. - Like something. - Say during your childhood you had some experience where you were taught that being loud, compromised your survival and safety, right?

So say as a child in school, you're loud and maybe some people pick on you or laugh or even the teacher's like, Hey, be quiet. Now as a kid, you have a very limited perception on the world. The world for you funny enough, as you said, as someone who say six years-old, what's the world for you?

It's the classroom. Do you think beyond the classroom? You know a world exists, sure, but all that matters is the classroom.

Where do I stand in the classroom? What's the hierarchy in the classroom? Who are the cool kids in the classroom?

Am I accepted in the classroom? If I don't fit in the classroom, I don't fit in the world. I die.

So something looking back now as an adult, that might seem as eh, kids will be kids. Oh, some kids might have made fun and said, oh, be quiet. Or, oh, there's the quiet one.

Big deal. You're an adult now grow up. No, no, no.

That's current you's perspective. Younger you, that's I'm being kicked out of the world. If I'm kicked out of the world, I die.

It's traumatic. Your survival instinct kicks in and in order to cope, in order to survive, what are you gonna do? Whatever it takes.

So say, what's your name? - Anders. - Anders?

Yeah. Young Anders. Six years-old.

Okay. Me expressing myself threatens my safety. Well, I'm gonna take the part of me that is more expressive and I'm gonna banish it.

I'm gonna suppress, repress it. I'm gonna disown it. We banish parts of ourselves, including experiences.

That's called a traumatic experience. We banish it and then we always put a protector in front of it. So there's, you could say the lost aspect of you, the loud, expressive Anders, who would scream when you were hungry as a baby?

You wouldn't be stifled. Wah. How do you say mother.

- Mama. - Mama. (smacking lips) Wah, mama.

And then at some point you're like, this is threatening my existence, protector. Now who's the protector? The protector is that energy that stifles you.

Scream as loud as you can. Oh, there's the energy. It just appeared.

Scream loud as you can, loud as you physically can. Now notice a visible shift between Anders before this and before me saying this, right? Before this, there was some of that energy there.

Scream. It just took over. That's the protector.

This is also a lot of self-sabotage. 'Cause consciously we're like, I wish I could just scream and be loud, but I just (imitates choking) can't. Yeah, 'cause in your subconscious there are all these protectors, banishing aspects of you.

Everything you don't like that's holding you back, a part of you thinks is helping you. Now, when it comes to these protectors, you have two options. One is to, and this is the temporary step, is to start talking to them, understanding them, negotiating with them.

'Cause right now this energy that's blocking you from screaming is helping you. It thinks it's helping you, 'cause it helped you when you were younger. What helped you once, however, doesn't necessarily mean it's gonna help you now.

So you can start talking to it. Where did you come from? What are you trying to protect me from?

And negotiate and see if it can lower its guard a bit and allow some of that aspect you disowned to surface again. Then the other, which is what I teach, is let go of it. Let go of the charge behind this protector so that you can re-own what you previously disowned.

Okay? That's how you ultimately get to the cause. Now what you can also do is follow the formula, which I call action trigger release repeat.

Meaning do it anyway. It's gonna trigger just as the question that I asked you, triggered more of that energy, more than before, right? So before, okay, I'm a little anxious.

Scream as loud as you can and say step three, I'm like, do it. I don't care. Do it.

You're like, ah. You try. It's gonna trigger it even more.

It comes more and more into your awareness. Now the more it's in your awareness, the more you can work on it and that's actually the best time to then let go of it. So what I teach my clients is action, trigger, release, letting go and repeat.

And this will do a lot of permanent change. But you also understand from this is that little tips and tricks aren't gonna help. Like say I were to tell, okay, Anders, you just need better body language.

Is that gonna help? - [Audience] No. - You need to be very aware of your vocal tonality.

Make sure it goes down at the end. Make sure you smile when you talk. No, there's always gonna be something that's off.

And what you'll see is that when you are someone who re-owns a lot of who you are, you can break all those rules of cool. I can come up here and be like this. Hey everyone, how's it going?

You ready for this event? I hope you're excited. - [Audience Member] Yeah.

- I hope you're really excited because what we're gonna do right now is we're gonna talk about social anxiety. Anders, are you ready for this? Am I using cool body language?

No, But there's something where you're still like, wow, you become ultimately so cool, you can break the rules of cool. It also links what we call honest signals, meaning anyone can learn a little vocal trick or tip or body language. Anyone can learn this.

But then there are signals, things that you cannot fake. Your core essence, your self-esteem, the place it's all coming from, you can't fake that. And you'll see is it expressive or is it you compensating?

Are you just unleashing who you are? Are you trying too hard? Now let's bring it back to you.

Action, trigger release, repeat, scream as loud as you can. (Anders screaming loudly) Good job. (audience applauding) Good job.

Now, two things. Two things. One, that was good.

Could it be better? Yes. But on your end, let the wind land.

So notice you did it and immediately you're like. People are clapping and you can't let the claps just impact you. Let's try it again.

Everyone clap at the scream and you just stand in the middle, arms out like this and just let the claps hit you. Give him a hand. (audience cheering) - Arms up you like and nod.

(audience cheering) That's right. Hit. Yeah.

(audience cheering) Yes. (audience cheering) Now. Okay.

This is key for all of you. Notice how we immediately close ourselves off to any kind of positive feedback. Let it land.

It's like not worthy. Oh, it was, it was okay. No, let it land.

Sure could, it could be better. But collect the wins wherever you can. Can you do louder?

(Anders screaming) - Can you do more? (Anders screaming) Let's do this. Let's have you walk through all the way to the back and back here.

And you're gonna do a high pitched he, he, he, he laugh back and forth, okay? Now the reason I'm telling him to do this, can you guess why? You're basically gonna do like he, he, he, he the whole way?

Why? By doing so, it shatters your image of cool. Meaning that your ego wants you to appear a certain way.

We can only express ourselves if we are perfect and cool. James Bond. Well, guess what?

If you do a he, he, he, he, he like, he back and forth. You can't be cool after that. You can't be James Bond.

You're not gonna see James Bond like martini, like, he, he, he, it's not gonna happen. So it's gonna hurt your ego. But now that that image is shattered, you can't make it regardless.

There's a certain freedom in that. Meaning, well, if I can't be cool, might as well just let go and be me. So I want a back and forth high pitched loud he he he.

- He he he he he he he he he. He he he he he he he. And then all the way back here.

- He he he he he he he. - Now this is the image. You can't be cool anymore.

Turn around and scream as loud as you can. Let's go. (Anders screaming loudly) (audience cheering) Really good.

Now. Did you notice a shift in the scream? - Yes.

- Yes. - Interesting, right? Just by doing something like that.

Now what does this mean for you? Anytime you're anxious anywhere you're at your job, just do a he, he, he. (audience laughing) No.

Be smart, be calibrated. But this is on the external side. It will not get to the cause To be clear, you're gonna wake up tomorrow and you're gonna feel the same as you did prior to this.

Deep inner work is what makes it permanent. But this is on the external side, a little tool, a little technique you can use where it's, hey, what can I do to shatter this image of cool? What can I do to tell my ego, nope, we cannot make this.

You cannot win. Might as well just let loose and be. Now here's another thing we're gonna do and we're gonna keep doing this till I really hear an authentic scream.

And remember the first scream you heard when he came up. What we're gonna do is we're gonna go back and forth and every time you scream, I'm gonna go louder than you and then you're gonna have to go louder than me. What this plays on, just so you understand it, is giving you permission.

Meaning is it okay to be super loud? If someone else does it, oh, if that person did it and nothing happened to them, maybe I can do it too. And you'll notice a lot of what's holding you back is you simply not giving yourself permission.

People will try to chase this. They're like, I need more money to have permission to be loud, to be me. I need more approval.

I need more success in life. I need cooler friends. I need to travel.

I need an amazing social media and Instagram account to then be able to express me. Stop looking for permission. Whose permission do you need?

You. That's it. Just yours.

So here, you're still gonna depend on mine, but it'll at least give you a reference that it's possible. And this is the other big benefit of this exercise here, is that you have actual proof that you can be loud and that nothing happened. 'Cause your mind will say not for you.

You can't be loud. You are different than others. No, no, no.

If you're loud, bad things will happen. Well here, if you do it and nothing happens, you have a positive reference. It's like me, say clapping.

I clapped once. Can I clap again? I don't know if I can everyone.

Maybe I'm just not designed to clap. You're like, no, you've done it once. You can do it again.

So same here when doubt will then kick in in the future. Maybe it was just the the Julian effect. No, no, no.

You did it. You've physically proven to yourself you can do it. So you ready?

Loud as you can. (Anders screaming) (Julian screaming) (Anders screaming) - That was not louder than me. You gotta be louder than me.

You ready? (Julian screaming) (Anders screaming) (Julian screaming) (Anders screaming) (Julian screaming) (Anders screaming) More, even more. Come on, even more.

Put your body in it even more. I want you to scream beyond yourself even more. Three, two, one.

(Anders screaming) (Julian screaming) Come on, more. (Anders screaming) Go. (Anders screaming) Everyone all at once.

(all screaming) By yourself. (Anders screaming) - You're so close, man. You're so close.

You're at a 98% but you're still controlling it. This is also a big difference. Me going like ah.

It's controlling. Ah, it even stifles the sound. Ah.

Ah. Right? To be loud, you have to actually be loose.

It's like, think going to the toilet. Most people are constipated and they try to push it out. It's like, it's like a little spaghetti string.

That's what you're doing. You're like super constipated You're like, come on, come on, come on, come on. Little spaghetti.

What I want you is to dilute it. To relax. Make sense?

I use extreme examples so you never forget. For me to be this loud, I have to dilute it. I have to, oh, loosen it up and just.

Oh. Ugh. Ugh.

(Julian grunting loudly) Let's get you crouching down just to see what it's like. Come on, crouch down. Ready?

Crouch down and give us the loudest scream. You're on the toilet, you're ready to just take it. You ready?

- Yeah. Loud as you can. (Anders screaming) - That was decent.

It was like this big. Let's get a bigger one. Let's get it the biggest, just, it'll just clog the bathroom.

I want the flush to not work. You ready? Let's clog it.

(Anders screaming) - Ah, that's a little bit bigger. Come on. You gotta lose.

That's still forcing. I want you to relax. To loosen.

Let it out. (Anders screaming) Now even more, try to, when you yell, don't even yell at them. You want to even have the voice go down towards you that it reels the man.

Ready? (Anders screaming) (Julian screaming) (Anders screaming) (Julian screaming) (Anders screaming) (Julian screaming) Come on. Come on.

(Anders screaming) Now stand up again. Let's do this. One walk.

Yell as loud as you can back and forth. Come on. (Anders screaming) As they clap.

As they clap. (Anders screaming) Come on. (Anders screaming) Now put your body into it.

(Anders screaming) Okay, everyone quiet. Last thing. Loosen your shoulders.

I want your whole body into it. You're just using the voice. Loosen it all up.

Ready? Full body. Like embody the scream instead of ah.

- Be like, ah, come on. (Anders screaming) - That was actually better. Final one.

Final one. Ready? Do that again.

Loosen it. Loosen it. Laxatives in you running your new blood.

It's the biggest, oh man, like you could just put two of them in there right now. Just ready. Loosen it.

Ready. Three. Two, whole body into it.

One. (Anders screaming) Give him a hand. (audience cheering) Yes, take it in.

Take it in. Let the, like let it land the success. You crushed this.

(audience applauding) Now, few things. One, take that win. And for all of you notice the difference earlier on versus now.

- Massive. - Big difference. Now, one more subtlety.

Notice how also me making it graphic with the constipation, what does that do? It hurts the ego. You can't be cool up here.

You gotta let loose. You know, metaphorically and and physically, you gotta let loose. You can't be cool.

So everything is designed once more to stop trying to play into this front. Stop trying to play into this character. That's what stifles you.

Everyone puts on masks. All of you here, this resonates and can help dissolve some of it. But a lot of you are still putting on a mask.

Outside this room, everyone's putting on a mask. What if you were to just dilute it all and just drop the front and just be like, Hey, this is me. Take it or leave it.

Ugh. The just, the sense of relief you'll feel within. And that's the thing.

Confidence isn't tightness. It's not pressure, it's not paranoia, it's not, what do people think? Do they like me?

It's relief. That's it. It's not this buildup, it's this reconnection with what it was like to be before all the conditioning, before beliefs got implanted in you saying it's not allowed.

It's not good enough to be you. You can't be loud. Even society, every commercial, you're not enough.

You need to buy this. You need more. You need to be more.

Final thing. Breaking the rules of cool. Notice how even me whispering right now still reels you in.

Even the people at the back, they can't even understand this. And they're like, but look at him. Look at the vibe.

It's these raw honest signals that real people in. You tapped into some of it now. Now, will this be permanent?

Of course not. Deep inner work's the way. You're gonna have to dive into all that conditioning, revisit those experiences that made you this way.

Meaning you weren't born this way. Contrary to Lady Gaga baby, I was born this way when it comes to anxiety, you weren't born this way. When it comes to self-expression.

You weren't born this way. You were taught to be this way. You learned how to play small.

If you learn something, you can unlearn it. The same with traumatic experiences that happens to you and it to, to cope with it. You change how you are, but you did it in order to survive and it might've been helpful at one period of time, but if it no longer serves you, you don't have to keep living that way.

You can let go of it and you can change back. A lot of this work isn't about becoming confidential, becoming good enough. It's about realizing that you always were, you've just gone so good at acting fake or playing small, that you've gone used to it and you've convinced yourself that is you.

The real you isn't the you that we saw at first. The real you is that you giving that scream. That's who you've always been.

If you ever watched the "Lion King", it's like you're Simba and I'm Mustafa, and I come up to you and I'm like, Simba. Remember who you are. Remember who you are.

This isn't you. Who I'm seeing here, this is for a lot of you. Who I'm seeing here is the Simba who's just frolicking around with, what is it?

Pumba and Timon, right? It's like Hakuna, like that's you. The song of anxiety is like.

♪ Hakuna matata ♪ And I'm like, no, no, no. Reclaim who you are. Remember who you are.

You're not this little frolicky person who escapes. Notice how a lot of that movie even represents escapism, right? Let's go hide in the jungle and eat some bugs.

- Stop eating the bugs. Stop eating the insects. Dammit, Anders why are you eating goddamn bugs?

Enough of the bugs. You are a goddamn lion. You're not little bug eater.

Reclaim who you are. Remember who you are. That's the speech that every single one of you, every single one of us needs to hear, but no one tells us.

What do people do? Here's more bugs. Bill Gates.

Here's more bugs. Eat the bug burger. No more bugs.

Tell them. No more bugs. Tell 'em.

No more bugs. - No. Well, no, no.

That doesn't sound like you're over the bugs. Enough with these bugs. No more bugs.

Tell 'em. - No more bugs. - No more bugs.

- No more bugs. Fuck the bugs. Fuck the bugs.

- Fuck the bugs. - Fuck the bugs. - Fuck the bugs.

- That's right. I'm Anders and I know who I am. (audience laughing) Come on.

I'm Anders. That's your name. I'm Anders.

I know who I am. Tell 'em. - I'm Anders and I know who I am.

- I am Anders and I know who I am. - Do you? (audience laughing) Bullshit.

Make 'em believe you. I am Anders and I know who I am. Better, but more.

More, more, more. Come on. That's 40%.

I want a hundred percent 100% - I am Anders and I know who I am. - One more. Are you originally from Sweden?

- Yes. - Born and raised? Fuck man.

Make your ancestors proud. You have Thor. All these gods, people who died, Vikings.

What would they think, looking at you now? I'm Anders (smacking lips) a little bug. No, make him proud.

One more time. As loud as you can, owning who you are, tapping into your deepest truth. I'm Anders and I know who I am.

- I am Anders and I know who I am. - Give him a hand. (audience applauding) Yes.

Take it in. Take it in. Don't shy away from it.

(audience applauding) - Yes. Bring it in. Amazing.