one and all. Welcome in here out there, Mr and Mr. America and all the ships at sea to the late show.
I'm your host, Steven Colbear. Now, come on. [cheering] That is water in the desert.
I I sincer sincerely thank you for that warm and wonderful welcome right back at you cuz I don't know about you folks. I don't know about you, but I have found the first couple of weeks of 2026 to be a gradea extra crispy cluster munch of suckitude. [cheering] There ain't no chrome left on that trailer hitch.
Now, >> hey, >> case in point. This morning, with Minnesota under siege by masked armed goons victimizing American citizens, Trump threatened Trump threatened to invoke the Insurrection Act. Well, that'll calm everybody down.
I'm sure motans will just love that. That's why all the protesters sign say, "Ice, go home, then come back in a tank. " Fun fact, the Insurrection Act allows the president to deploy members of the military or federalize the state national guard to contain an insurrection in a US state.
And hold on, hold on. I'm being given a correction. That fact was not fun.
[laughter] My mistake. My mistake. The thousands of ICE agents who are in Minnesota already are doing nothing but inflaming the population with their fear tactics and their violence.
And there's a reason these ICE agents seem to have no idea what they're doing. Cuz they don't. We just learned, and this is true, we just learned that during ICE's recent rush to hire 10,000 new agents, there was an error in how the applications were processed, leading ICE to send many new recruits into field offices without proper training.
We actually have footage. Is this show we have footage of one of the untrained agents? [cheering] >> Okay.
Okay. [cheering] I don't technically [applause] technically we don't know if that guy's trained or not, but I will watch that video on a loop. [cheering] That is my love language.
Apparently, there there are two different training tracks for ICE applicants. The recruits who are already law enforcement officers, they only need four weeks of training. But applicants without law enforcement backgrounds are required to take an 8week course.
So it's a maximum of eight weeks. I feel like it should take longer to become an unaccountable armed member of the secret police than it does to take classical chain making for absolute beginners at the 92nd Street Y. Yeah, [applause and cheering] it's 12 weeks.
12 weeks to make the fisherman's knot. [applause] Apparently, the application screening pro process hit a little snag when the AI tool that ICE was using to screen applicants sent people with the word officer on their resumes to the shorter training regimen, including those who had been a compliance officer or people who said they aspired to be ICE officers. And mo most common of all, those who said, "I'll have to double check with my parole officer.
" Now, [cheering and applause] in international news, no one likes us cuz cuz Trump continues to insist he's going to take over Greenland. And the reason is he has got a reason. Uh it's uh something something national security.
My dad never went to my little league games. >> [laughter] >> Uh yesterday, just yesterday, yesterday, uh to try to talk Trump out of invading a NATO ally, the Danish and Greenlandic foreign ministers met at the White House with JD Vance and Secretary of State Marco Rubio. Didn't go great.
Afterwards, Denmark said it did not manage to dissuade President Donald Trump from seeking to conquer Greenland. That's the kind of sentence you normally only hear in a 1940s news reel. Dine, January 15th.
Denmark's foreign minister fails to slow the president's march toward the icy continent. Now, a message from Bourbonet, the only hard liquor scientifically formulated for expected mothers. Bottoms up, mommy.
Now, [cheering] [applause] are you getting enough liquor for your infant? more proof of how bad the vibes of these meetings were. Afterwards, cameras caught Danish and Greenlandic officials having a smoke in the parking lot.
[laughter] So, tell me, does JD Vance wear eyeliner or are his eyes like that from staring into the abyss? [laughter] [laughter] Then two foreign ministers held a press conference. >> For us, ideas that would not respect territorial integrity of the Kingdom of Denmark and the right of self-determination of the Greenlandic people are of course totally unacceptable.
>> Well said. It is vital for NATO allies to stand up and assert their sovereignty in this perilous moment. But more importantly, where are they?
They They look like they're attending a wedding at an elementary school. [laughter] They're in the breeze. It's where the pickup line, I think it's the pickup line, comes by there.
[laughter] Do not cut on the pickup line. The Danish foreign minister also clapped back to a recent insult from Trump about how Greenland's defense is only two sled dogs. >> There's also always a bit of truth in what he's saying.
Not about the dog slays. Well, we also have dogs slays to our special forces. >> Oh my god.
>> [laughter] >> We're going to send the Marines to kill Paw Patrol. [cheering and laughter] After that, we're not really We're not really going to We're not really going to do that that I know of. After that, uh, the minister headed over to Fox News to answer some dumb questions from Brett Bearer.
>> You also don't believe the US is going to invade Greenland, do you? >> No. At least I do not hope so.
Well, Mr Minister, as someone who has spent a lot of time hoping Trump doesn't do stuff he eventually does, let me give you a little tip, sir. If you put wine in a travel mug, you can drink lying down. Did you know that?
I know that. [applause] Want to know how I know that? I'll give you a thousand guesses.
Hey, you know who's pretty sure the United States is going to invade a NATO country? NATO because yesterday Germany announced they are sending troops to Greenland. >> Making it the first time in human history anyone ever said, "Good news.
The German troops are on the way. [cheering and applause] Here they come. " [applause] That sounds intense, but bear in mind Germany is only sending 13 soldiers.
Well, that's because of German efficiency. Octo, it is 9:00 a. m.
We have secured the border. [laughter] Want to reassured the locals? Fixed every microwave clock.
[laughter] We gone for a rousing hike. Time for a snack. Snack is over.
[laughter] I'm sure they're very nice. Trump is threatening to invade Minnesota and Greenland. So, the obvious question is when's somebody going to give this guy a Nobel Peace Prize?
Well, turns out this afternoon, uh, because today Trump got a visit, uh, from Venezuelan opposition leader and the Joker's mom, Maria Karina Machado. And she says at the meeting, she presented Trump with her Nobel Peace Prize medal. [cheering] Maria.
Maria, that is so sad and so meaningless cuz he didn't earn it. Stellan Scarsgard, my guest tonight, can give me his golden globe tonight if he wants, but that won't make me heartbreakingly convincing as a Norwegian father trying to reconcile with his daughters. [laughter] Nora Agnes, I do love you in my complicated, distant way.
No finisher salted licorice and linganberries. See? Awful.
But I accept. Thank you, Stellin. Or maybe [cheering] not bad.
That wasn't okay. [applause] Better than my Trump. Or maybe she should give it to him.
I don't know. Maybe it'll cheer him up. He sure as hell needs it.
This week, Trump sent supporters a fundraising email with the subject, "I'm alone and in the dark. " That read in part, "I'm sitting here alone in the war room fighting for you. The rest of the staff went home hours ago.
It's just me, one dying laptop, and the 72-hour countdown clock to my first midmon deadline of the year just rang. All right, who let him listen to Moresy? [laughter] And what what on earth?
Moresy fans, there you [applause] go. The cure. And what does he mean?
One dying laptop. Plug it in. >> [cheering and applause] >> Okay, plug in your laptop.
Sitting in the dark, turn on the lights. Feel all better now. There is one place folks are still having fun.
That's Mara Lago. Uh last weekend, uh they they hosted the Humane Society's Hero Dog Awards Gala for canines who work with law enforcement. So, a big fancy party to celebrate hero dogs.
I'm sure you're thinking there's going to be cute doggy decorations, maybe a poodle-haped cake, sexualized human dog hybrids and ball gowns. >> Yep. Huh?
[cheering] I don't remember smoking peyote in a pet smart today. I mean, look at those fancy Rookco dresses. Reminds me of that famous Marie Antuinette quote.
Let them eat cake, but not chocolate. Of course, this being Mara Lago, Trump did make an appearance, but unfortunately, he arrived late. That's got to be confusing for someone who already has such a tenuous grasp on reality.
I'm here everyone. What did I Holy, what is happening here? Wow.
I got to say, wow, they really upped the challenge on these cognitive tests. Dog, dog, dog, dog, giraffe. Damn it, dog.
We [cheering] got a great show for you tonight.
