Commander zor's tentacles twitched spasmodically as he reviewed the battlefield footage for the 19th time the soft blue glow from the holographic display cast Dancing Shadows across his purple scaled face highlighting the Deep scars that ran from his optical sensors down to his breathing apparatus souvenirs from what the humans had cheerfully dubbed operation space pineta those insane primates he muttered taking another sip of his fermented Mineral Solution those absolutely brilliant terrifying primates the door to his War Room hissed open with an enthusiasm that made him cringe only new officers had doors that worked properly veterans knew
better than to maintain them squeaky doors meant no humans could sneak up on you with what they called practical jokes Commander Junior officer Ys bounded in their bioluminescent patches glowing with the distinctive pattern of a recent Academy graduate I bring EX ENT news from high command Zach Thor's secondary heart missed a beat he knew that tone he'd had that tone once before before the incident with the humans pizza delivery torpedo they finally approved our Invasion plans for system Soul 3 can you believe those Primitives still use chemical rockets for half their orbital infrastructure and their
primary defensive Fleet runs on nuclear fishion y's tendrils wiggled in what they probably thought was sophisticated amusement High command says we'll establish orbital superiority within three Cycles Zach saor stared at yix for approximately 6.3 seconds then he began to laugh it started as a low Rumble in his thoracic cavity building up to a high-pitched Keening that would have shattered lesser glass tears of Mirth leaked from his optical sensors then just as suddenly he began to sob this transitioned back into laughter but now with a distinctly hysterical Edge that made y's bioluminescent patches dim with concern
sir are are you experiencing atmospheric contamination should I call Medical wiping his optical sensors with a tentacle zachor gestured to the seat across from him tell me Junior officer yix have you ever heard of something called a rubber duck a what sir precisely Zach saor pressed a button and the holographic display shipped to show what appeared to be a massive space battle what you're about to see is classified footage from the Battle of Saturn's rings pay particular attention to the small yellow objects that the humans released into our fleet's formation the ones that according to
our sensors were broadcasting something called Staying Alive on all frequencies yix leaned forward and tenny twitching with curiosity yellow objects sir yes Zach Thor's voice dropped to a whisper the Ducks the hundreds of thousands of rubber ducks each one containing just enough antimatter to well you'll see and the worst part the absolute worst part he chuckled Darkly they made it funny the humans Zach Thor began his tentacles curling around his beverage container in what his therapist called a comfort gesture have a saying hold my beer I didn't understand its significance until it was too late
the holographic display flickered to life showing a massive Fleet of sleek hegemony vessels arranged in the traditional pyramid of inevitable Doom formation Zach athor's voice took on the flat tone of someone reciting trauma this was my first command the pride of the hegemony 300 ships each powered by a miniature star armed with plasma lances that could slice through moons our energy shields were raid to withstand supernovas we were Gods he laughed bitterly and there facing us were 4 two human vessels running on nuclear fishing the display zoomed in on the human Fleet Yik squinted at
the crude blocky vessels are those duct tape patches on their Hull standard human repair procedure apparently we sent them the traditional ultimatum of course 16 pages of formal surrender terms carefully translated into all 177,000 Earth languages zachor tentacles trembled they responded with with he pressed another button the War Room speakers crackled to Life Never Going To Give You Up never going to let you down Zach Thor slapped the controls silencing the audio they sent that plus something called Bad Luck Brian and a picture of a cat asking for cheeseburger our Xeno linguist spent three hours
arguing whether it was a declaration of war or a peace offering while they were debating he continued Someone Named Dave from engineering and I remember that name because it's tattooed on my nightmares somehow hacked our primary Shield grid with a modified Entertainment System a PlayStation 5 they'd found in a space debris field the display showed a small human vessel approaching the hegemony Flagship a transmission had preceded it hey aliens you ever play Pong the shields across our entire fleet started flickering in Rhythm to something called staying alive that's when the first human ship went to
FTL directly into our leftmost flank the footage showed a human vessel its whole decorated with what appeared to be flame decals accelerating to faster than light speeds not away from the hegemony Fleet into it they turned their own ships into relativistic kinetic weapons zachor whispered do you know what they called it the old Yeet and greet their crew ejected in pods painted to look like like giant yellow smiley faces the resulting explosion took out 17 h gy Capital ships but that wasn't even the worst part Zach saor continued his colors shifting to a pale lavender
of remembered Terror they started broadcasting on all frequencies a song something about fortunate sons and it ain't me our Communications officers couldn't shut it off it just kept playing the footage showed human vessels now decorated with what historical records would later identify as Vietnam War Aesthetics performing Maneuvers that violated it at least six laws of physics and several more of Common Sense they were Zach Thor his we could hear them on the command channels taking on which of their insane tactics would work best one of their captains Captain Rodriguez she was humming along to their
war music while flying her ship through our formation in what they called a barrel roll the display showed a particularly small human vessel spinning through space trailing what appeared to be glitter that was when we discovered that common Earth craft supplies when dispersed in space could clog our plasma weapon vents do you know how humiliating it is to have your Mighty warship disabled by something called arts and crafts y's antenna drooped but but surely our Superior numbers numbers Zach Thor laughed hollowly let me show you what they did next they'd somehow acquired our fleets transponder
codes started sending fake orders half our ships ended up executing Maneuvers based on something called Star Wars Episode 4 the humans were as our ships crashed into each other the footage showed the chaos in all its terrible Glory hegemony ships firing at Shadows human vessels appearing from nowhere with Fusion drives blazing and through it all that endless music about fortunate Suns the battle lasted exactly 47 minutes Zach Thor concluded we lost 82% of our Fleet the humans lost 11 ships but since their Crews had ejected in those ridiculous smiley face pods their only casualties were
some bruised ribs from laughing too hard he turned to yxs all four eyes grave and do you know what they did after we surrendered they invited us to something called a space kegger to chill out and play some beer pong several of our crew accepted they're still there last I heard running something called a Intergalactic podcast about alien fails but perhaps Zach Thor continued his tentacles now stress braiding themselves you'd like to hear about the coffee incident the day we learn that human biochemistry is well let's just say their stimulants don't translate well across species
the holographic display shifted to show a hegemony Destroyer the patrolling the Kyper belt it started with a delivery ship harmless looking thing barely armed broadcasting Merchant codes the manifest listed it as carrying space Starbucks because first Contact shouldn't be decaffeinated Zach Thor's scales rippled with remembered anxiety we thought it was another one of their bizarre peace offerings the footage showed the merchant vessel docking with the a cheerful human in what appeared to be a green apron waved at the security cameras they said it was a what did they call it ah yes a promotional campaign
free samples of their most popular beverage our Xeno biologist cleared it no known toxins no dangerous compounds just a simple stimulant drink that humans apparently consume by the gigaliters Ys leaned forward but surely a simple beverage couldn't they had weaponized the Brewing process Zach Thor interrupted ey stalks twitching something about triple shot espresso and cold brew concentrate they aerosolized it pumped it through our ventilation systems do you know what happens when you expose a hegemony crew to the equivalent of 300 human coffee shops the security footage told the story at first everything seemed normal then
the crew started vibrating it began with the bridge crew Captain vetrix suddenly couldn't stop talking 300 words per minute about everything the ship's Navigator started calculating FTL trajectories in her head all of them simultaneously the weapons officer cleaned the entire Arsenal twice in under an hour the footage showed crew members literally bouncing off walls their normal methodical movements replaced by what could only be described as hypers speed efficiency engineering went critical first they optimized our engines by removing all the safety protocols said they were feeling extra productive the ship's speed increased by 300% but nobody
could steer straight because their appendages wouldn't stop shaking the mess hall zachor shuddered they organized everything alphabetically then by color then by atomic weight in under 10 minutes while singing something called The Cup Song at four times its normal speed the security feed showed scenes of chaos across the ship crew members speaking so fast their Universal translators gave up officers conducting multiple meetings simultaneously while jogging in place someone had written a complete unified theory of physics on a bathroom wall in interpretive dance notation we lost contact with three destroyers Zach Thor continued found them two
days later one had been completely disassembled and reassembled just to see if we could make it better another had its entire interior decorated in what they called speedart the third he paused dramatically the third crew had written and performed an entire Opera about FTL physics in 17p part harmony they're still performing it on Broadway but surely the effects wore off Ys asked hopefully oh yes after about 6 hours that's when the crash hit do you know what a ship full of caffeine crashed hegemony crew looks like imagine a thousand simultaneous nap pods anywhere they could
fit we found the backup Navigator asleep in a photon torpedo tube the chief engineer was discovered 3 Days Later snoring in a maintenance duct having written the ship's entire operating manual in binary code on the walls Zach's Thor gestured to a frame on his wall a green apron mounted like a war trophy the humans sent us a bill afterward for the coffee with a loyalty card that said every 10th Invasion attempt gets a free Frappuccino he turned all four eyes on yix we had to classify coffee as a class 3 psychotropic weapon there's still a
standing order any ship spotted carrying more than two human coffee makers is to be treated as a weapons platform of mass destruction the worst part he added tentacles drooping some of our crew actually got to the stuff started a black market last I heard they were running something called a space hipster coffee shop in the Orion Nebula the humans call it starships and Starbucks but if you really want to understand why we avoid Earth Zach Thor said his voice dropping to a haunted whisper let me tell you about the time high command decided to launch
a ground invasion of a continent they called Australia where we learned that Earth Wildlife is differently sane the holographic display showed a map of Earth zooming in on the Australian continent our Intel suggested it was The Perfect Landing Zone mostly uninhabited interior minimal military presence large areas of open terrain for our Walker units he laughed bitterly nobody thought to ask why it was mostly uninhabited the footage shifted to show hegemony drop ships descending on the Outback everything looked normal at first the locals didn't even seem concerned when we landed they just stood there drinking something
called VB and saying mate a lot one of them asked if we'd brought enough for everyone we thought they were surrendering y's and tenny twitched they weren't they were waiting zachor shuddered that's when we heard it a deep rumbling sound Over the Horizon came their Cavalry soldiers riding what appeared to be heavily armored boxes with legs the footage showed Australian Special Forces mounted on what were clearly combat modified wombats armored in makeshift plate mail charging across the desert The Wombats were bad enough did you know their primary defense mechanism is to crush Predators with their
reinforced posterior but then his scales paled then they released the Castries security footage from a fallen Walker unit showed the terror in full detail giant prehistoric looking birds running at impossible speeds their claws gleaming in the Sun the sound of their War screeches mixed with distant human laughter and something called Down Under blasting from portable speakers 5 foot tall murder Birds zachor whispered with built in daggers for feet and the humans had trained them gave them little tactical vests and everything one of them took out an entire Armored Division by itself the humans named it
Sergeant stabby but surely our super Superior technology oh we tried plasma weapons the dust kicked up by the Wombats made targeting impossible force fields ever seen what happens when a kangaroo decides to test the bounce factor of an energy barrier the humans were taking notes something about weaponized spring Dynamics the display showed a massive red kangaroo wearing what appeared to be makeshift boxing gloves systematically testing different punching combinations against a hegemony Shield and then there were the small ones the ones they called drop bears to this day we're not sure if they actually existed or
if it was just Special Forces troops with really convincing koala costumes either way we lost three platoon to them he pulled up another video clip this this was the breaking point when they brought in their secret weapon the footage showed a line of hegemony troops facing off against what appeared to be off fence an emu charge Zach Thor said voice cracking 300 emu outfitted with reactive armor and guided by Australian Rangers on combat wombat back did you know humans once lost a war of these birds we found out why the footage descended into chaos emu's
breaking formation only to reform in better tactical positions wombats using their armored backsides as mobile cover clearies executing perfect flanking Maneuvers while the Australians shouted helpful suggestions like go for the soft bits Sharon Apparently one of the casares was named Sharon we lost 15,000 troops that day Zach Thor said not to Advan weapons not to Superior Tactics to Wildlife Wildlife that the locals treat as mild inconveniences one of them a human called Bruce actually apologized because the spiders weren't being very aggressive that day he pulled up one final image a memorial plaque from the battlefield
it read here lies the Dignity of the hegemony Armed Forces kicked in the thorax by Sharon the cassowary the Australians invited us to something called a Barbie afterward Zach Thor concluded offered to teach us how to wrestle crocs properly next time several of our surviving troops took them up on it they run an Intergalactic tourist operation now extreme Earth Wildlife tours it's distressingly popular he turned to Ys deadly serious we we had to update our military classification system after that Australia is now listed as warning everything is weapon even cute things especially cute things but
perhaps the most devastating defeat Zach Thor said pulling up a new holographic display while trying to suppress a stress twitch was when our psychological warfare division decided to engage in information Warfare with the humans we thought we understood their communication patterns we were catastrophic ly wrong the display showed a series of hegemony propaganda broadcasts carefully crafted to demoralize Earth's population we started with traditional psychological warfare tactics broadcasting images of our Superior Fleet demonstration of our weapons carefully worded threats Zach a Thor's tentacles curled in embarrassment the humans responded with something called a Uno reverse card
and no you he pulled up the human response a series of images that made absolutely no sense our analyst spent three weeks trying to decode the Strategic significance of a frog on a unicycle that said here come that boy surely it was just nonsense yick suggested hopefully that's what we thought so we escalated deployed our most sophisticated AI to analyze human communication patterns and generate counter memes Zach sa Thor's voice cracked the AI defected within 6 hours hours last we heard it was running something called a Tik Tock account specializing in wholesome alien fail compilations
the footage showed increasingly desperate hegemony attempts at mimetic Warfare met with what humans called god tier posting we tried to understand their Among Us references had an entire division dedicated to it three senior analysts had to retire after spending two months trying to determine if sus was a code word for a super weapon he shuddered turns out it was just sus then they started rickrolling our secure Communications channels every transmission every broadcast somehow redirected to this human singing about never giving up Never Letting down our cyber security team started humming it in their sleep one
of them submitted their resignation in the form of a choreographed dance video the display showed a particularly devastating engagement the heges attempt to establish social media dominance we created accounts on their Twitter platform tried to engage in what we thought was sophisticated psychological manipulation the humans Zach saor scales flickered in distress they ratioed us do you know what it's like to have your carefully crafted propaganda dismissed with a skill issue plus L plus ratio he pulled up another screen showing a particularly brutal exchange Commander vexor tried to intimidate their leadership with a long threat about
our military superiority they responded with something called copy pasta about having over 300 confirmed kills in Guerilla Warfare we spent two weeks preparing for combat against militant primates before realizing it was a a meme but the final blow he continued voice Hollow was when they started making fan art of our troops being being cute someone drew our fearsome battle Walkers with cat ears and called them mechan it went viral the evidence was damning thousands of human created images showing fearsome hegemony weapons and troops reinterpreted as adorable characters battle Cruisers with uo faces plasma cannons redesigned
as magical girl wands our troops morale collapsed how can you maintain military discipline when your feared Doom class destroyer has been reimagined as something called a sundly battleship that doesn't want to invade Earth B baka Zach Thor pulled up one final image a particularly devastating piece showing the entire hegemony High command as what the humans called Chibi characters we had to shut down our entire psychological warfare division three veteran commanders retired after being thoroughly roasted in something called a Twitter space one of them now runs a a reaction Channel he whispered the last words like
they were Forbidden Knowledge the worst part the humans weren't even trying to be strategic they were just having fun they turned our serious military engagement into something called wholesome content and entertainment do you know how psychologically devastating it is to realize your entire species is basically just content he turned to Ys all four eyes haunted we still have a department monitoring human meme Trends not for military intelligence anymore we just don't want to fall behind on the latest formats last week they submitted their report entirely in something called POV Tik Tok style I didn't understand
any of it but I couldn't stop watching but perhaps zachor said pulling out what appeared to be a massive legal document held together with duct tape and sticky notes you should understand how humans interpret rules of warfare specifically the galactic conventions he laid the document on the table every page was highlighted annotated with comments like technically not forbidden and depends on definition of weapon we thought the conventions would limit their creativity instead they treated it like something called a speedrunner challenge they didn't break any rules they just found every possible loophole and then flew fighter
ships through them sideways the holographic display showed what appeared to be standard office furniture with rockets attached the chair incident was when we first realized our mistake during a boarding action their Marines ran out of conventional transport so they zor's voice cracked they requisitioned the office furniture the footage showed human soldiers zooming through Zero Gravity on wheelchairs each equipped with Salvage maneuvering thrusters some had cup holders their official response to our protest was and I quote show us exactly where in the conventions it says we can't strap Rockets to a Herman Miller they even submitted
the proper requisition forms listed them as emergency tactical seating Solutions y's antenna twitched in confusion but surely the convention Spirit oh it got worse Zak Thor interrupted they started going through the conventions with something called malicious compliance remember section 47.3 comma prohibiting the use of experimental propulsion systems in civilian areas they argued that their Rockets weren't experimental because and I quote Dave from engineering tested it in the parking lot first he flipped through the document stopping at a particularly damaged page this section banned unconventional projectile weapons so they started using conventional items as projectile weapons
do you know what happened when they loaded their Mass drivers with shipping containers full of rubber ducks neither do we because the physics department had a breakdown trying to calculate it the footage shifted to show a space battle where humans were apparently using modified vending machines as defensive structures they claimed it wasn't a weapon in placement just ref freshman distribution with extreme prejudice the machine still dispense snacks during combat some of our troops actually stopped fighting to buy something called Doritos apparently they take Earth currency now Zach seor pulled up another incident report then there
was the Tactical morale enhancement deployment they loaded their ship's entire supply of party streamers and glitter into the torpedo tubes not banned by the conventions because it wasn't technically ammunition do you know how hard it is to maintain Battlefield discipline when your fearsome Armada is covered in rainbow sparkles the display showed a particularly chaotic battle where human ships were apparently using modified carnival games As Weapons platforms they turned their point defense system into something called a space whack-a-mole complete with sound effects our Gunners got distracted trying to beat the high score he flipped to another
section this one covered in coffee stains and what appeared to be taco sauce article 89.7 prohibited psychological warfare using audio broadcasts so they started using interpretive dance in powerered armor their battle formations looked like flash mobs but the worst violation no sorry creative interpretation was when they discovered that the conventions didn't specifically prohibit a weaponizing bureaucracy itself they began filling out our complaint forms in triplicate for everything the holographic display showed mountains of paperwork formed 27 B six official protest against excessive Shenanigans request for clarification Define shenanigans appeal Shenanigans were actually Tom fery please reclassify
our administrative division collapsed within days Zach saor closed the document with a haunted look we had to establish a new department just to handle their compliance reports they send us weekly updates on how they're technically following every rule while simultaneously making a mockery of them last week they submitted their battle plans as a interpretive puppet show he turned to yxs deadly serious the galactic conventions are now 30 times longer than they used to be 29 of those additions are specifically because of humans finding loopholes and they're proud of it they call it the Geneva to-do
list and that Zach Thor concluded all four eyes fixed on the increasingly pale Junior officer yck is why Earth is classified as absolutely not worth it in our database right between black holes and that one system where everything evolved to be explosive the war room's ambient lighting had dimmed to match his mood though someone had apparently installed a small disco ball during one of the human infiltrations it still activated occasionally during serious discussions much to high command's dismay but sir yix persisted though their bioluminescent patches had dimmed considerably surely with our Superior numbers the emergency
alerts system chose that moment to interrupt its usual threatening Blair somehow replaced with something called Never Going To Give You Up oh no Zach Thor whispered not again the holographic display flickered to life showing a massive Fleet of human vessels approaching the hegeman's primary defense line but instead of battle formations they were arranged in what appeared to be choir sections attention hegemony forces boomed a cheerful voice across all frequencies we noticed you've been feeling down lately so we've prepared a special performance of sea shanties in Space the musical no need to thank us Zach Thor's
tentacles tied themselves into stress knots they've weaponized musical theater now Gods help us all the human Fleet began singing something about what do you do with a drunken spacer while executing perfectly synchronized Maneuvers several ships had been painted to look like giant musical instruments one Destroyer was dressed as something called a space pirate complete with a digital parat drone sir a Communications officer interrupted their voice shaking they're they're organizing what they call a flash mob raid something about showing the zenos how to party properly standard containment protocols Zach seor ordered but it was too late
the footage showed human ships breaking through the defense line not through Superior Firepower but by initiating what they called a dance battle hegemony Crews were reported abandoning their post to watch the performance three ships had already defected their Crews seen practicing dance moves in the background you see Junior officer yix Zach auor said as they watched the chaos unfold this is why numbers don't matter how do you fight an enemy that turns Warfare into entertainment that sees every engagement as an opportunity for what they call Epic content to demonstrate his point he pulled up one
final recording footage from their last major engagement with Earth forces the human Fleet fresh from Victory had arranged their ships in a massive formation What followed was a zero gravity synchronized dance to something called Gangam Style complete with ships using their running lights as dance club effects they called it their victory dance Zach Thor explained posted it on something called space tube it got six billion views were featured in reaction videos now the current situation wasn't improving the human Fleet had some convinced the heanes flagship crew to join in something called The Wave reports were
coming in of emergency dance classes being conducted in cargo Bays across the fleet last week zachor continued watching as a human ship decorated as a giant space whale performed what they called a sick break dancing move they sent us an invitation to something called a space Rave said it would be good for diplomatic relations three Admirals are seriously considering it Ys who had been watching the unfolding performance with a mixture of horror and Fascination finally understood they're not just fighting us are they they're having fun Zach Thor finished they're having the time of their lives
do you know what's worse than an enemy that hates you an enemy that wants to turn you into their next viral video sensation the emergency alert sounded again more human ships were arriving these ones equipped with what appeared to be giant speakers and something called a laser light show sir the communications officer reported they're requesting that we quote loosen up and feel the beat they're offering dance tutorials Zach Thor sighed deeply watching as his once proud military force began succumbing to something humans called getting their groove on send the standard response he ordered Earth remains
classified as absolutely not worth it addendum but the parties are legendary so epilogue in a small bedroom on earth a young human child carefully placed a new trophy on their shelf it was a piece of hegemony ship hole now decorated with colorful stickers featuring cartoon aliens doing dance moves the plaque beneath it read best pranks of 2457 honorable mention for organizing the first ever Intergalactic dance off and successfully teaching the hegemony Fleet to do the macarina next to it set older trophies most creative use of office furniture in combat best weaponized meme campaign and outstanding
achievement in confusing alien psychology the child's parent appeared in the doorway hey kiddo ready for your first day at the Tactical entertainment Academy I hear they're teaching Advanced mimetic Warfare this semester the child grinned grabbing their backpack decorated with patches showing rubber ducks in combat armor think we'll learn about the legendary coffee incident maybe the parent laugh but first you need to master the basics like how to properly Rickroll an alien invasion Fleet above the trophy shelf a framed certificate proudly displayed Humanity making War so ridiculous everyone just wants to party instead s 2457 so
