[Music] if you were a dessert what would you be rich like a dark chocolate moose light like a fairy cake complicated like a baked alaska what would you be as a mom scientist and burnout survivor i discovered i was the banked alaska it all started four years ago when my husband took our daughter to the pediatrician i had held her hand during every previous visit but that day like so many working moms i had an unavoidable work conflict when they got home i was busy cooking dinner my husband was so proud but i couldn't bring
myself to say thank you because nobody thanked me for all i did i didn't know we were burned out we had a fight it's not my fault you no longer have friends or hobbies he was right even my love of cooking was now a daily chore that night i wanted to escape it all and i wrote a letter to my son and daughter on my phone it was january the 3rd 2018 i couldn't face another year of sleepless nights constant stress feeling like a bad mom a bad wife a bad friend a bad colleague my
back teeth were cracked my cortisol levels were high and my work as a public health professor no longer had meaning i still look back at that letter on my phone it was full of good advice to my kids that i needed to take myself the most important being it's okay to ask for help as my husband indicated i needed an outlet away from work or home so i enrolled in a stand-up comedy class the homework was watching comedians who doesn't want that i was a mother letting out a frustrated primal scream mostly at alexa another
classmate was a young latino man coming out to his catholic grandmother through disney show tunes we were all trying to find our voice in the past four years when i'm not working or mothering i've dedicated myself to sharing my experience so others do not feel alone i've read hundreds of books and articles interviewed experts on my podcast and watched amazing ted talks i learned to express my emotions and that my love language is positive affirmations i learned to let go of authoritarian parenting through improv comedy but as i researched how to be a better manager
i discovered the barriers mothers face in the workplace and society at large mothers of color single moms and same-sex parents face barriers i haven't i learned that job burnout is recognized by the world health organization but there is also caregiver burnout emotional burnout and parental burnout no wonder so many moms are exhausted resentful and ready for change and i realized with my two decades as a public health behavior changed scientists who had empowered patients teams and communities to change that i could empower each of you to prevent working mum burn out through individual organizational and
cultural change before i tell you more about the problem some solutions and how behavior change science can help us take action now let me tell you about my husband's biking accident last september when my husband broke his leg badly in two places i experienced the added burden of caregiving there was me thinking i did it all but when he was stuck in mobile for three months boy did i realize how much he normally did to help me during that time we watched a lot of the tv show the great british bake off and one day
as a contestant blow torched a baked alaska it came to me that's what working mum burnout is like we're trying to protect this delicious ice cream in the middle while being blow torched to perfection on the outside it's a recipe for disaster but albeit alaska can also help me explain the social layers that influence our behaviors the social ecological model that guides my science at the bottom holding it all together is the cake we know that's the mom's right next in my baked alaska is the fruit that sweet staff is our families our interpersonal relationships
next is the cold ice cream our work education and health institutions and surrounding that is the burnt meringue society with its laws economic forces and perfect instagram posts but in the layers that influence social systems the most there are few mothers represented in the us in 2021 only eight percent of fortune 500 ceos were women only 20 of news sources were women and only 24 of senators were women these are the statistics for women they are lower for women of color and would be lower for mothers if they were ever recorded it's not that we're
not capable it's that we're left out and burned out did you know that female lead companies are three times more profitable but last year only two percent of venture capital funds went to women did you know that female physicians have better surgical outcomes and are more likely to save a life in the er but they are 250 percent more likely to attempt suicide i am in the top 1 of most sighted scientists worldwide and i am a burnout survivor how has burnout affecting you your family your employees your colleagues we're all overworked and burnout at
any level is damaging in the us there are almost 5 million preventable cases of burnout in working parents alone one of the biggest stresses for parents is the high cost and scarcity of child care paid leave is also not available in the us for all caregivers and if it were men would not feel free to take it men are also trained by social expectations to be the provider my husband worked so hard to provide for our family he only took two days leave for each child many mothers leave their jobs to care for their children
because they are paid less than their partners or co-parents this is the motherhood penalty versus the fatherhood bonus for every dollar a man earns a woman is paid between 69 and 82 cents mothers are doing 20 extra hours unpaid labor in the home that's equivalent to a part-time job we need pay equity at work and in the home lack of reward is a major cause of workplace burnout mothers are promoted less than dads and childless men and women this is the maternal wall mothers are also considered less committed to their careers yet data shows we
spend more time looking after our team's well-being tasks not included in performance reviews managers still tell us we should be at home with our families and could tell travel opportunities but what mother wouldn't love that quiet bath at the end of the day in a work paid hotel room instead advertising shows us as superheroes but we feel guilty all the time one of my male colleagues who shares the parenting load equally said it best i do exactly the same tasks as my wife but without the guilt it's real when i chaperone a school field trip
people admire me while my wife is judged for not being there and when you find yourself pumping breast milk in the toilet at 8pm at a company networking event you know this system was not designed for your success covid exacerbated these inequalities and mothers do not want to wait the 136 years predicted for global pay equity we do not want our daughters to have to beat down the maternal wall to have to break through the glass ceiling tough to fight for the only broken seat at the table dads what do you want for your daughters
so how do we change these social norms this system that binds us all first we have to admit what is not working while self-care can help you manage the symptoms of stress i walk my dog every day it's just a band-aid self-care does not solve the structural inequalities that cause burnout so here are some solutions at the individual organizational and cultural level you don't have to do them all but at least know there are steps you can take i found these solutions from experts on my podcast from diversity and equity guidelines and from the national
academy of medicine if you're a ceo role model the behaviors that demonstrate reasonable working hours have meetings outside of school pick-up times subsidise child care and provide paid leave for all caregivers as a default it's the default that's the behavioral key to changing norms and use your power to advocate for government legislation to provide these benefits for your people if you're a manager create teams that hold each other accountable to hire and promote diverse leaders using a system of structured interviews and objective criteria and measure team well-being as a key performance indicator even putting pictures
of female leaders on the walls in rooms where important decisions are made can help cue the behaviors that reduce bias if you address the causes of burnout you prevent the costly loss of talent and improve diversity mums we need the men in our life to step up but you can also take charge sometimes you have to change your job i changed mine but if you stay and it feels safe to do so practice asking would you say that to a dad the fight gender bias cards from lean in provide key counter target behaviors and in
the home use the fair play cards to review the 100 physical and mental tasks of parenting and managing the household and share them out among your family and trust them to lighten your load mums you deserve more of a break than that quiet bath shortly before my husband's accident i took a whole week off of parenting to focus on my mission of preventing working mum burnout i took no responsibility for those 100 physical and mental tasks of parenting and managing the household for a whole week and you know what my brain began to work again
and i regained the confidence that i could make a difference and i gained energy to support my husband's recovery a coach can help you take that break they provide perspective and permission to let go of expectations and to set boundaries so you can take back control ask your employer to subsidize a coach because personal development is professional development and it's a worthwhile investment for them because you can learn to coach others you see mothers have these skills forged during child rearing compassion collaboration creativity that can help us lead the teams of the future dads would
have these skills too if they were given a chance to spend more time with their infants neuroscience shows their brains would change too that broken leg changed my husband's perspective and now we both say thank you more often imagine if you could thrive not survive what if you didn't have to make excuses to take your loved one to the doctor what if it felt safe to talk about your mental health at work what if you could bring your whole self to work society would benefit the economy would benefit families would benefit today i want each
of you to commit to a small goal in your home workplace or community i have provided the ingredients the behaviors you can change just pick one that you feel confident you can do will you be courageous and ask for help will you offer to give a mother a weekend break will you share your struggles so others feel safe to share theirs will you prioritize team well-being whatever you choose just remember half-baked good intentions do not lead to action you also need the recipe a behavior change guide what will you change when where how you practice
who will be your role model your accountability partner how will you cue your behaviors how will you measure and celebrate your success for each of my podcast guests i create a free recipe card a step-by-step guide to help you action their solutions for overcoming working mum burnout and for companies learning collaboratives can help you experiment to find out what works like a behavior scientist does through a process of peer support pilot projects target behaviors and evaluation cycles to have the biggest impact you need to follow a plan to create a long-term habit that becomes automatic
that changes the system if you start today you can change a mother's life and her child's future thank you [Music] you
