Unlearn Negative Thoughts & Behaviors Patterns | Dr. Alok Kanojia (Healthy Gamer)

Everyone's focused on changing behavior. Everyone's focused on increasing willpower to overcome this tendency. And it's like, why not just change the tendency? That sounds so simple, but that's literally what we do in psychotherapy every day. When we come in and someone has a narcissistic personality disorder. This is personality. This is who they are. And we can psychotherapize them to be Someone else. for their natural thoughts to change, for the way that they see the world to change, for their behaviors to change on its own. It doesn't require willpower is necessary when you are trying to

not be narcissistic. It is not necessary when you are no longer narcissistic. So, we've done it in psychotherapy. We know that if your self-esteem changes, if your sense of being changes, treatment refractory depression will change, trauma, PTSD Will change. Welcome to the Huberman Lab podcast where we discuss science and science-based tools for everyday life. I'm Andrew Huberman and I'm a professor of neurobiology and opthalmology at Stanford School of Medicine. My guest today is Dr. Aloc Kenogia, also known as Dr. K. Dr. K is a psychiatrist and online mental health educator. He has a very unique

background having trained and earned his medical degree in the United States but also having studied as A monk for seven years. Today we discuss powerful tools for increasing your self-standing and mental health and for rewiring your nervous system. Specifically, how you can unlearn unhealthy thought patterns and behaviors and replace them with ones that truly serve you and those around you. Much of today's discussion centers around differences between eastern and western concepts of things like the ego and what makes up our self-concept. That portion Of the conversation will no doubt have you rethinking why you do

what you do in virtually everything. And he provides a road map for clearly defining your best goals and for increasing things like your energy and drive, not through hacks, but by tapping into deep intrinsic motivation. In fact, throughout today's episode, Dr. K explains specific practices that you can use to help rewire your nervous system, resolve traumas, and come to a much Clearer understanding of how best to apply your efforts in work, school, and relationships. We also discuss social media, dating and relationships, addiction, and pornography. So, there are a lot of topics covered. And I have

to say, this is a conversation unlike any other that I've had on or off the podcast. Dr. K offers a completely new perspective on how to resolve common struggles that we all face and in doing so he offers a lot of practical tools. So this should be a very valuable conversation for anyone wishing to better understand themselves at the theoretical and psychological level but also who wishes to implement specific tools to improve some or all aspects of their life. Before we begin, I'd like to emphasize that this podcast is separate from my teaching and research

roles at Stanford. It is however part of my desire and effort to bring zero cost to consumer information about science and Science related tools to the general public. In keeping with that theme, today's episode does include sponsors. And now for my discussion with Dr. Aloque Kenogia. Dr. K, welcome. >> Andrew Huberman, thank you for having me. >> So interested in in you and the knowledge you hold. Um, today we're going to talk about a number of things. I mean, Ayurveda and East West medicine, motivation and dopamine, but I want to Start with the internet. >>

Okay. >> You had an interesting upbringing. Um, so very different than mine, not just because of our age difference. Uh, but you grew up on the internet like and so you really have an empathy for people on the internet, on social media, and now everyone's on the internet. What was it that drew you to screens and that interface with such a a degree of magnetism? >> You know, I was like a gifted kid growing up. And I think that one of the things that we don't really appreciate is um how school moves at the pace

of the slowest kid. So, school was incredibly boring for me. Um and then I was also uh young. So, I I was a year ahead. And um so I was like early on when I was a 5-year-old in in first grade and I was competing against seven-year-olds like on the playground or in in in gym class, I sucked at Sports. So the the one thing that I really got addicted to was this idea of like a computer game where like when you beat level one, like level two is there, you know, and then if you

beat level two, like level three is there. If you fail at level three, you get to try level three again. So it was the only activity that was like cognitively to my pacing. Um and and so that really drew me in and I didn't realize that until years later. Uh you know, my parents Were big fans of putting us into school like young and if you can skip grades, like that's great, right? Cuz life is a race and and the faster you finish, the better things are. Um but I I didn't realize how developmentally challenging

it is to be like a 5-year-old or a six-year-old in in school with like seven-year-olds or eight-year-olds. So I think that's what originally drew me in, >> if you don't mind me asking. So you were first generation immigrant parents from India. >> Yep. >> I mean I grew up in the South Bay in Palo Alto so I'm familiar with intense academic environments. >> Increasingly so in the last you know 10 20 years but even when I was there it was you was intense. >> Did you feel that as pressure? >> Absolutely. I mean I I

my earliest memories of of my grandmother telling me I'm going to make a great doctor one Day. Um, and when I was like 15 years old, people would ask me like I'd go to like a party, right, with my parents and their friends, and people would ask me, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" And so I was like, "I'm going to be a doctor." And everyone was like, "Wow, impressive." You know? So my 15-year-old brain was like looking at this this like amazing idea of what a doctor was. And both my

parents are doctors. My dad was an amazing doctor. Um I suppose my mom Is too but my dad was one of the seinal researchers in like graft versus host disease. It's how he landed his job at MD Anderson. So he like came from India and like was an oncologist. Um and so I also remember like he used to back then hippo wasn't I I I think there wasn't even a hippo law. So he would have you know patients over to our house and stuff like that. He would throw a Thanksgiving party every year where like

he would invite all of his patients all Cancer survivors and and things like that. Um, and so my dad was really like a mythical figure. Uh, incredibly charismatic. And so I I was like, "Oh yeah, I'm going to be that." And so it became a huge part of my ego. Um, and then it turns out that ego is not a great way to motivate. Well, it can be a great way to motivate yourself. Um, but then I ran into trouble when I hit college because I never learned how to study. So e either I like

absorbed Everything and did well on the test. So, I went straight from like A's to Fs and then got addicted to video games, failed out of college. But your original question was, was I into computers and and why? And that's probably has something to do with it. >> Well, it sounds like you were so into computers, you eventually went over the cliff of computers with this addiction. I want to talk about the addiction, but I think this is a perfect frame, and Maybe we'll jump back and forth as we move forward. Um, this is a

perfect frame for what I have heard and wonder about a lot, which is, you know, I'm Gen X. Okay. You're a millennial. >> Yeah. >> And I'm told, uh, that the generations right behind Gen X, >> um, >> perhaps had more love and encouragement to feel their Feelings. um notions of what trauma and addiction were, but maybe that there wasn't this universally high standards set for all of them. That's the narrative that you see in the in the news right now. Oh, you know, this coddled generation, etc. You had high standards set for you. When

you look out on your peers and you look out on the internet for millennials and younger, do you think that we can make a general statement about, oh yeah, you know, all All this appreciation and understanding about what addiction and trauma and feelings are? Um, you know, that just was foreign to my generation, frankly, that it helped or hurt to have this this awareness of of kind of self and what one needs and and all of that. Do do you think that it Yeah. Do you think it helped or or it hurt um development? >>

Well, so Andrew, I'm delighted to be speaking to a scientist um because I think it helped and hurt, >> right? So So this is as you know, things are multiffactorial. It's rarely one thing or another thing. So I think a lot of people picked up ground with awareness of feelings. As a psychiatrist, you know, I work with people who were unaware of the family dynamics going on in in their life, in their household, unaware of their emotions, um, growing up with things like avoidant, attachment, and having difficulty forming connections. So, I Think it is always

good to be more aware. I think actually awareness is probably the single factor that correlates the most with like success and happiness. The challenge, the really subtle thing is that talking about emotions isn't the same as actually being aware of them. So I think what started to happen is a lot of this dialogue around trauma, a lot of this dialogue around feelings has actually been hijacked in Very subtle ways by other parts of our mind, other parts like for example our ego. And so it's kind of like this therapy speak has like and this happens.

So you can look at any population and if you have someone who's like sociopathic or if you have someone who's histrionic or narcissistic and everyone is talking feelings they will do that too but in a sociopathic way. Feelings have now started to be used as a form of manipulation. Right? So people will use Like I see this all the time speaking of the internet in its modern incarnation. We all talk about boundaries but people have started to use boundaries as a form of control for other human beings. you know, my boundary is that you don't

text anyone after 8:00 p.m. My my boundary is that, you know, every time I call you, you need to answer the phone. So, it's really bizarre how like the basic like psychological stuff can hijack like our our Psychological patterns can hijack like we all this mental health speak. Another really good example of this is so I I remember I I was uh seeing an assault victim in the emergency room at at Mass General Hospital many years ago. And so the MIT chief of security was campus security was there. And so I was talking to them

a little bit about, you know, because there were other students with with a student who had been assaulted and and they were kind of talking to me About safety. And I I remember something that the MIT chief told me that I I've never forgotten. We're talking about safety and he's like, "My job is not to make people feel safe. My job is to make people safe. And there's actually a big difference. And so something interesting has happened. We have all become more narcissistic because that's what the internet does to us. And so now if I

am hurt that is no longer my responsibility. That is because you did Something wrong. Does that make sense? >> Like fundamentally if I feel hurt that is often times tied to you doing something wrong. So there's this tendency towards victimization where you'll see even people who are like like playing the victim card which which doesn't mean that we shouldn't be believing victims. I think that's exactly what happens is we started to realize that we're not taking victims seriously but then all the chameleons in Our society were looking at this pattern and they were realizing okay

the fastest way for me to get ahead is to claim to be a victim. So, there are all kinds of weird permutations that are happening right now with this sort of emphasis on feeling. Um, one more evidence-based example of this is, you know, we're seeing the prevalence of mood disorders, anxiety disorders, addictions, body dysmorphia, basically everything is getting worse. And so, one Weird thing that started to happen is as we've talked more about feelings, there is something called a transdiagnostic factor, which we can get into. I don't know if you're familiar with these or not,

but so if you look at like all of the mental illnesses, there are certain attributes that are a risk factor for multiple mental illnesses. So a good example of transdiagnostic factors are perfectionism and rumination. So rumination Doesn't make you depressed, doesn't necessarily make you anxious. But if you have a high index of rumination, you are more likely to have a major depressive disorder. You're more likely to have an anxiety disorder. Does that kind of make sense? >> If you are perfectionistic, you are more likely to be depressed. You are more likely to be anxious. So

there's one interesting transdiagnostic factor which has gotten way worse, which is something Called distress tolerance. So human beings capacity to sit with things and tolerate things that they do not find comfortable is starting to tank. And as that starts to tank, we're seeing an just an explosion of mental illness. >> Glucose is a key player in how our body functions, not just in the long term, but in every moment of our lives. That's because it is the major fuel for our cells, especially our brain cells. Glucose directly impacts our brain function, mood, and energy levels.

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the JWV handheld light both at home and when I travel. If you would like to try JWV, they're offering up to $400 off select products for listeners of this podcast. To learn more, visit juv spelled jovv.com/huberman. Again, that's jovv.com/huberman. The moment you said that we're seeing a a a reduction in distress tolerance, I heard in my head voices on the internet saying, "Oh, so we're just supposed to push our feelings aside, like we're just supposed to accept everything that happens to us. We're supposed to, you know, and of course I don't actually believe that, but

I can empathize a bit with that with that notion, right? Like there's these things are always uh on a continuum. It's a it's a pushpull, Right? I mean, I was going to raise the same thing around the standards that were set for you. Some people who grow up with very high standards set for them by parents, teachers, or coaches might internalize that as, "Oh, that must mean I'm very capable." In fact, in one of my favorite books, The Last Lecture by Randy Posh, he talks about um he was a computer scientist at Carnegie Melon, he

eventually died. He gave his last lecture which is this incredible lecture And he he said the moment that your parents, coaches and teachers stop pushing you is the moment you should worry because they've given up on you. You if you're pushed people believe in you that there's a chance you might actually accomplish something. They believe in you. But you could also internalize it as overwhelm. >> Yeah. Like and so I think this notion of distress tolerance like what are what are the standards what are the um Standards for distress tolerance for performance for being a

quote unquote functional member of society while also quote unquote honoring one's feelings about feeling one feelings there's there's no road map I believe to how to navigate that what you said there is no roadmap that happens to be true and it happens to be wrong so I know it's confusing so let me explain So here's the first thing to understand the way that we collect information. This is why I love being a clinician. So like you know you talked about the last lecture. So this person was saying if people don't push you that means that

they don't you know care about you. They're not invested in you. They don't the moment that you give up on someone is the moment that you stop pushing them. Right? Makes perfect sense. And then there are also people who have been pushed to the point where they like crack under pressure. That's actually Way more common. And so so generally speaking pressure you know just like any other part of biology if I exert pressure on some part on some joint on some part of soft tissue will develop a callous it'll become tough so this is where

the the the reason there's no road map is because people aren't the same right so we all have unique genetics we all have unique experiences we all have a unique internal dialogue and so the whole point of personality and we can Define personality like by the technical terms which is it is the way that you interpret information, the way you perceive the world, your internal reactions, and the behaviors that you engage in. So, you can take literally, you know, two different human beings in the exact same situation. I've worked with a couple of survivors of

like genocidal conflicts. And the really interesting thing about that is not everybody gets PTSD, which is like Really weird, right? Like if you think about this is like a genocidal conflict. So, we have tons of people who all experience the same thing, but their reactions to them are really different. That's what's fun about being a clinician. What I try to focus on and what I learned, I looked for a road map. And what I found is that there's not a road map. There are thousands of road maps. And those road maps come down to, and

this is, I think, a huge problem in The information based world we live in. So, everyone has problems, right? And they're looking for solutions, which is great. The problem, the biggest mistake that I see pe uh people make, especially high performers, is a problem of misdiagnosis. So, really good example of this, I had a a a patient come into my office, worked in finance, was at a very very successful firm, came in and was like, I Have really bad anxiety. Like, it's really starting like I can't eat, like I can't sleep, my wife is really

worried about me. So, he's like, you know, I've got really bad anxiety. So, we start talking about it and he's like, you know, I'm afraid I'm going to get fired. And we work together for about 12 months and then he realizes this environment is not where he's happy. And the reason he's going to get fired is because he doesn't fit in and he decides To quit. So, what's really interesting is if if we had just solved that, if we had made his anxiety go away, he would have perpetuated in an unhealthy system. And and this

is the thing that I think we forget when we're talking about our emotions. Like Andrew, which part of the brain does anxiety come from? >> It's a circuit-wide phenomenon. >> Sure. If we had, how is it taught? If you had to teach someone who's taking an Undergraduate neuroscience class, and maybe you wouldn't teach it this way, but if you had to localize it to somewhere, where would you localize it to? >> To one structure. Everyone would say amydala. I teach neuro anatomy to medical students, so or I didn't until very recently. I'm totally with the

liyic system as a whole, right? But the amydala and the really interesting thing is like >> crocodiles have amydalas, >> right? So, so we sometimes forget that these negative emotions are actually really important for us. They're really healthy for us. One other really interesting example of this is, you know, I work with a lot of like gamers on the internet. So sometimes they'll try to engage in mating behaviors and and they'll creep people out. And one of the really interesting things that I I realized is embarrassment Is the best way to not creep someone out.

So if I violate one of your boundaries and then I express embarrassment, that signals to you that I realize I did something wrong. So if I violate one of your boundaries and then I express embarrassment, that's a really important empathic signal. And now we have all of this like content on the internet telling people to be relentlessly confident. And when they become relentlessly confident, they no Longer express embarrassment. Embarrassment is a really important signal to send. In the example you gave, it's very clear that somebody violated somebody's boundary. They felt embarrassment. Showing that embarrassment shows

that they have some sort of empathic attunement or awareness that makes them perhaps a little less creepy and a little bit safer as opposed to if they just kept, you know, going forward. Right. However, if it was a bit Vague, like let's say that they did something um of flirt of flirtation and it wasn't really clear what it was and the other person said, "Hey, like that doesn't feel good to me." And then they acted very embarrassed and the person who said it didn't feel good to them would quite understandably think, "Oh, it must have

been really bad." Right? Often times the dynamics are subtle where people don't really know how they should feel about something. at the Extremes we know. >> So I'm going to reverse Russian doll us because I I was all over the place. So you asked about a road map. >> Then I gave the example of anxiety. Then I gave the example of of embarrassment as another uh emotion that's helpful. And you're now you're asking a question. So we're going to do it in reverse order. But I want to get back to that road map because I

think it's a beautiful question. >> I wrote it down. We haven't forgotten. >> Great. Let's talk about the ambiguous interactions. This is fascinating. So, I I saw a really cool study where when two people are flirting and that's taped and a neutral observer is watching it, they accurately detect flirting only about 30% of the time. Different studies show 24 to 42%. You're saying ambiguity is a problem. No, ambiguity is exactly what's supposed to happen. So, if you think about what flirting is, flirting is A way to preserve plausible deniability. It's a way to make you

feel safe, right? So if I if I am really Andrew, I'm really interested in your body, bro. But if I say that it it's it's, you know, unless you are matching that energy, it's not going to be safe. It's not going to be good. It'll ruin our relationship. So flirting by nature is supposed to be missed. So this is another thing where you're saying like, yes, there's ambiguity. It could be Interpreted this way and it could be interpreted this way. That's not bad. That's good. That's that's how human beings actually interact. Um, so Winnott, you

know, described this beautifully because flirting is a a form of play. That's literally what it is. And play is about a potential space. >> When I'm playing like dolls with my daughter, it's not defined. And the whole point is for it to be not defined. >> So in that absence of definition, which Now everyone is sort of like we're seeing a social skills atrophy. So, you know, the the parts of our brain that interpret tone, body language, things like that, like people are are becoming like, you know, we're seeing a rise of like ADHD and

everyone also feel subjectively like they're autistic. It's because they're they're losing some degree of social skills because we text back and forth. And our brains don't our our occipital cortex is not interpreting Visual information of people's facial expressions. So, that part of our brain like literally kind of shuts off. So, people are having a lot of difficulty with ambiguity. You know people are saying like oh this person is sending mixed signals like that's the point in a relationship you are going to have mixed signals in a friendship you will have mixed signals we all have

ambivalence within us I I want to eat a healthy lean protein during lunch and I also want to Eat a fried protein during lunch right so ambiguity is actually not something to be avoided the really interesting thing another uh transdiagnostic factor really important one the intolerance of uncertainty So, human beings who are capable of tolerating uncertainty, better mental health outcomes, um, more resilient, improved quality of life. Right? So, everyone needs defined answers. So, I'll pause there for a Moment just to address your flirtation example, but you're spot on. We can tell what the signals are

at either end. The point of human interaction is that way we can adapt to each other. You know, if I put my arm around you, then how do you respond to that? Do you get up and go to the bathroom or do you lean in? So, these are how human like these are how how human interactions actually happen. There's a lot of back and forth. >> Fascinating. A lot of younger guys talk to me about their challenges in the dating scene. >> And one of the things that they seem very challenged with is the fact

that they feel like whatever happens on a date is shared on the internet. Yeah. Yeah. >> Um, and this is of course not related to, you know, assault or or them acting highly inappropriate or, you know, this is really like they're reported as a Good or bad kisser. They're reported as a um they pay or they don't pay. And and you know, and so I think that the room to explore ambiguity >> um to them, this is what I hear, feels very dangerous. It feels like a slippery slope. Yeah. Where they have to perform perfectly

on every measure and I'm sure women feel the same way, right? I just hear from more more men. >> Yeah. It's very tricky. So, I I think what we're seeing in in the dating world And and I guess we're this is what we're talking about. Maybe it's top of mind for me because I just uh did a bunch of content on it. But um so what's interesting in the dating world is that now we're sort of adding the internet to the equation, right? Which you sort of talked about. So let's just understand a couple of

things about the internet. So the first is what the internet in my opinion this is sort of like a clinician's perspective having read About 200 papers on various aspects of how the internet affects our brains and our psychology. Um first thing to understand is that the internet selects for emotional activation. It's not even dopamine in my opinion. So if you look at like internet right so it's not just fun in games actually the most engaging content is emotionally engaging >> arousal >> arousal absolutely >> adrenaline >> and then the other interesting thing is that in

order to maintain arousal you need a dichotomy of emotions >> so I need to scare you and then I need to make you angry and then I need to show you a cat video and then I need to scare you again and then I need to tell you how AI is going to steal their job and then I want to show you this birthday party where this baby did the cutest thing. So this is literally how It they maintain engagement. And so what's really interesting about this is as our emot as our lyic system is

like hyperactive over and over and over again that's one of the biggest cognitive drains that we have. So like I think the top three cognitive the things that drain our willpower the most suppressing emotion repressing emotion even just feeling emotion is like very exhausting. The internet is selecting for the most emotionally activating things. So who Which tweets get engaged with the ones that are the most polarizing? So then what happens is is people are dating and now you've got a problem because and here's the real tragedy is people will have a perception that if I

don't say the right thing this will get posted online that is not what happens most of the time right but this is where we as human beings have certain cognitive biases where the extreme example like we get trained in this in Medical school is you know once you miss a cancer diagnosis once it doesn't mean that every patient after that has cancer. But that's what the brain is designed to do. Our brain is designed for survival. Which means that if we get food poisoning from a restaurant even once, our brain doesn't look at that probabilistically.

It takes the worst examples and that's what we have to base our behavior on, right? Like if I'm at work And I want to if I'm attracted to a co-orker, even though there's a 90% chance that if I express some romantic interest in them, I'm going to be fine. I can't make a strategy based on that. I have to ba base my strategy on the worst possible outcome. That's what we're seeing in data. >> You said that suppressing emotion is cognitively draining. Did I also understand correctly that being in constant arousal through different Emotions is

also cognitively draining. >> I don't know if I would use the word cognitive there, but it's absolutely draining. Right? So periods of extended arousal and this is where like I'm when I mean cognitive draining I'm referring to a you know a paper that's looking at the anterior singulate cortex. So I and that's where when the anterior singulate cortex and your frontal loes are suppressing your lyic system that's very draining >> but I think high levels of arousal right through the reticular activating formation and things like that just being on emotionally hyperactivation of your lyic system

is absolutely exhausting is the word that I would use. You mentioned distress tolerance is a is a valuable skill to have. Uh it feels appropriate to say okay um distress tolerance I totally agree great to be able to you know tolerate distress to a point but that sounds like it's very Cognitively and generally draining. So, how would you encourage someone to develop healthy levels of distress tolerance? But if that involves, you know, constant suppression of of an impulse to to shout, to react, that sounds like it could get very unhealthy. So, I realize we're taking

we're sort of staying on this tangent, but I feel like what defines healthy distress tolerance if pushing back an emotional reaction or pushing down an emotional reaction is Not good for us. So distress tolerance doesn't only include emotional suppression, right? So what's really interesting about distress tolerance is a key uh feature of distress tolerance is not even suppressing is the opposite is accepting your emotions. It's actually moving in the opposite direction. >> Feeling your feelings. >> Feeling your feelings, right? Recognizing that you feel your feelings. >> What if um somebody feels extremely angry and they

want to feel their feelings? What is a healthy way for them to do that? >> Three things. Okay. So, if you want to learn how to >> control your emotions, you want to be tranquil in the face of your emotions is what I would say. Three things you can do. The first thing is >> um putting words to your emotion. >> So, the moment that so right now, if you I don't know if this kind of makes sense. The more angry you are, right? The more your amygdala is like hyperactive, it is drowning out every

other part of your brain. So the first thing that you have to do is put words to it. And when you put words to it, you can't put words to ah there's no word there. So the moment that you try to put words to it, it has to calm down >> in order for your linguistic centers Broke his area and all these in order for them to like articulate it, you have to understand it. So Freud understood this like over a hundred years ago. And there's something powerful about processing emotions by putting them into words.

in order to put words to it, we have to tone it down some. So that's the first thing. The problem is that people oftentimes think that that is sufficient, right? So people will say, "Journal, go see a therapist and talk About your feelings." Man, the number of times that I've had like I had this patient who came in, if I can tell a story, >> please, >> you know, and so like I was a third-year resident. I'd done maybe like 100 hours, 200 hours of psychotherapy. So I I had a guy come in, he'd been

in the clinic for eight years, had depression, was a dude in his 40s. He came in and he would tell me about why he was sad every day. Like Every week he'd come in, he's like, "I got I got written up at work. People are complaining because I snapped at them. You know, one of the patients is complaining because I didn't give them benzo." And so he'd come in every every week. He'd talk about why he was depressed. I'd be like, "Why are you depressed, bro?" And he'd like tell me some story about something bad

that happened in his life. And then we did this for six months. And like I didn't Know cuz I I'm like learning psychotherapy, right? So, I'm like, I'm supposed to be supportive and I'm supposed to be like, okay, like that must be hard for you. How does that make you feel? That must be so hard for you. How does that make you feel? That must be so hard for you. We do this dance for like 6 months. Then one day he comes in and I'm kind of getting frustrated. I'm like, hey, is this helping? And

he's like, what do you mean is it helping? I'm like, is it helping? Do you feel any better than when you came in six months ago? And he's like, I thought this is what we're supposed to do. I'm just supposed to come in every week. I tell you about how I'm sad and then you tell me it must be like, isn't that what psychotherapy is? And it was a huge light bulb moment for me because talking about your feelings, especially for men, is not enough much of the time. Fascinating neuroscience and Endocrinology behind that. Putting

words to it is just step one. Second thing, this is a really important skill, cultivating additional emotions. So if you look at people who are resilient, if you tunnel down into the internal dialogue of people who are resilient, you'll notice that they do something some some interesting things. So my patients who are very severely ill, right? And literally what I try to do with them over the course of weeks is This thing happened and I feel overwhelming shame the moment that you start cultivating additional emotions. So I I've been dumped by my boyfriend or my

girlfriend. I'm really really depressed. I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. They start to catastrophize. They have a lot of negative emotion. And it's really easy in that moment to forget that, okay, I had three years of wonderful experiences with this person before things went Downhill. It's really easy to forget all of the positives. It's really easy to realize that three years of experience followed by, let's say, one year of a toxic relationship is going to actually protect you from the next toxic relationship. So cultivating additional emotions is a huge fundamental

part of EQ and is you don't just have to tolerate it or suppress it. These are the additional things that you can do. And this is really important. It's not Just cultivating positive emotions when you're feeling negative emotions. It's the other way around as well. I've seen more relationships ruined by falling in love than anything else. And you just fall in love with the wrong person. You're in a relationship and you fall in love with somebody else. So many people I've worked with, you know, I have this great business idea and I get so excited

about it and like I'm going to start this AI company. That's the time that You actually want to cultivate negative emotion. Cultivate a little bit of anxiety. What could go wrong? Make sure you ask yourself that question. Like literally in addiction psychiatry, we we have a cool technique that we use with people where it doesn't really work so much anymore, but we tell people to play the tape through to the end. you're really excited right now and you want to do this thing, but play the tape through the end. What are all of the negative

Things that could happen? So that cognitive flexibility, that emotional flexibility is really important. We have to understand what emotions are. So a lot of times, you know, this is going around on the internet where like feel your feelings, right? Like I'm just going to authentically I'm going to be authentic with my feelings today, which means that you're an [ __ ] Andrew, and I'm just this is my truth, right? So, we've started like speaking our Truths as excuses to being [ __ ] Like, that's what's happening on the internet. It's what's happening in in real

relationships because people are watching social media and they're like, I should speak my truth. Right? So, the other thing that's really important is to understand that an emotion is not a behavior. An emotion is literally from an evolutionary perspective and you may know this better than I do is information and is motivation. That's What emotions are for. So when you feel fear when you're walking outside going to the walking to the outhouse in the middle of the night and you feel fear that is all this all this sensory input is being processed in parts of

your brain that you have no conscious awareness of. The first thing that happens is that you feel emotion before you have any logical idea of what are you even scared of. That is your brain telling you something. The other thing Is it's motivation, right? I feel like running away. And this is where unfortunately our brain evolved for a world that we don't live in anymore. So, you know, back when I used to feel fear because I was being hunted by a tiger. The natural impulses that our fear encourage us to do don't work when you've

got to pay rent at the end of the month or you've got to pay your mortgage or you've got to do well on your performance review. So oftent times what We do is we think that feeling authentically means letting our emotion run the show. We don't want to do that. We want to ask ourselves what is this emotion telling me? Why do I feel fear? What am I, you know, what am I afraid of? And I don't even think what am I afraid of is the right question. It's way too like self-help. Mhm. >> It's

it's way too psychotherapy for me. It's what is my fear telling me? >> What is the information and motivation That it's signaling? >> Yeah. And then what is it what is it telling me to do? >> Like your client who was feeling very anxious all the time. Um by exploring that emotion eventually it sounds like came to the understanding that it wasn't the job for him. >> Perfect. Right. That this is not the and and so he's trying so hard. Right. So the anxiety is like clinging on to his job, but actually once you understand

The emotion, it's actually walking away. >> And so once you have mastery over your emotions in this way, and I think mastery is maybe a better word, it makes life like so much better, right? That that's when we talk about distress tolerance, like that's what I'm talking about. It's not just suppression. >> Wonderful. I I so appreciate your answer. The thoroughess of it, the clarity of it. Distress tolerance is putting words to emotion, adding Additional language to it and exploring the the reverse context, the the as well the negative aspects of positive emotions, the positive

aspects. So, sounds like it's broadening the the the time domain like thinking about this in going forward. What does this represent in the past, present, and and future? And then really thinking about what the emotion is signaling. What a beautiful description of distress tolerance because it's also um operational. people Can put this to to work. Thank you. That's fantastic. If you're a regular listener of the Huberman Lab podcast, you've no doubt heard me talk about the vitamin mineral probiotic drink, AG1. And if you've been on the fence about it, now's an awesome time to give

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well, waking up more refreshed than ever. I absolutely love it. Again, this is a limited time offer, so make sure to go to Drinkaga1.com/huberman to get started today. The road map. If we could go back to the road map. Yeah. >> If you could spell out for for us what do you think of as the road map to to navigate this very complex landscape that we exist in now. >> Okay. >> And this could be relationship with this person. It could be um be a doctor, go to an Ivy League school versus be an artist

or you know um any number of Different examples where we have to make the distinction of what's wished for us and expected of us versus what is true to us on the inside. >> That's that seems to be where to me where the where the friction of life exists. >> Absolutely. >> That to me is the most interesting question in life frankly. You know, >> let me just make sure I understand your question. The friction and joy of life is the rest of the world wants me to do all of these things. And sometimes this

doesn't want to do those things. Sometimes it does want to do those things. When do I listen to this? And when do I listen to everything that? >> Yes. >> Right. Okay. Beautiful question. So this is where I'm going to lean into the eastern stuff for a second. So I spent seven years studying to become a monk. And uh then I I went to medical school and I became a psychiatrist. And the really interesting I had a really weird experience of training in psychiatry because everyone was teaching me how the mind works. Okay? And this

is like good teachers at like the Harvard Medical School and they're like here's how the mind works and this is what the subconscious is and like there's cognitive behavioral therapy. Right? So like Aaron back taught us that there's Like thoughts, emotions and behaviors and all these these things connect. And the really fascinating thing my most instinctive response when people would tell me how it is is no it's not. So in the east they have a completely different conception of mind. And here's the big problem with the western conception of mind. You're a scientist right? How

do you learn about something, Andrew? >> You have a question. >> Okay, good. >> You pose a hypothesis. >> Excellent. >> You design an experiment. Good. >> Where you isolate variables. Okay. >> And you either um refute or you in some sense support your hypothesis. Okay. >> And then you design another experiment, >> ask another question. You just you just keep going and then you get tenure and then you start a podcast. Beautiful, right? Just kidding. >> So, so let me ask you this. How do you study the mind? >> Here's what's really interesting, right?

So, so here's what's really fascinating. Like, do we have any scientific evidence of the existence of thought? >> We could define thoughts as some pattern of network activity. >> What I mean is like if we lit literally look at it, we have no instrument that can detect a thought. >> That's right. >> Right. So, we have we have no proof. We cannot measure a thought. like it is like literally impossible. We can measure blood flow to the brain. We can measure electrical activity in the brain. We can induce thoughts, >> right? We can we can

do that. But we have we have no idea that a thought exists. So like psychiatry is weird because every other part of medicine and science we can measure what we are studying. >> In psychiatry we can't do that. So along came Freud and he made a fascinating discovery which is when a human being speaks we understand something about what's in their mind and the whole reason we get trained and the reason that we we can measure mental we can me measure your mind right so we have validated scientific instruments using things like factor analysis and

stuff like that where we can use the Beck depression Inventory which will tell you how depressed you are we have good ways to measure stuff so there's a lot of science in psychiatry. The basic problem though is that we have a fundamental problem. We cannot we have no insight into what is in someone's we have insight into someone's mind but we can't detect the mind. >> That is a fundamental problem with science. Okay, >> here's the cool thing. We have no Scientific measurement of thought. But we as human beings have measurement of thoughts. Can I

ever know what you are thinking using any instrument of science? You're the psychiatrist, so I'm tempted to say yes, but no. >> No. Right. Can you know what you're thinking? >> I would like to think so, but I'm guessing I'm guessing I mean I I can ask myself what's going on in there, but I don't necessar necessarily have the Ability to put language to it in a way that captures what >> you are capable of observing your thoughts. >> You are capable of I'm not capable of observing your thoughts, but you can whether you detect

all of them, whether they're right or wrong, that's question is separate. just the fundamental idea of like you can measure an axon you can you can detect your thought right >> we all live in this way yeah right so That we can get to the edge cases later >> so here's the cool thing so when I went to India and I I studied for seven years the difference between the psychology that was developed from the contemplative traditions is it's its foundation is internal observation so yogis are cap we're all it's not like some special ability

but they based their theory of mind on what they could observe. Whereas in the west that is not something we have access to. So their Theory of mind is very different. So when I was training to become a psychiatrist, people were like this is how the mind works and I'm like no that's not true. Right? There is a different way. So here's one example getting to the road map. So the biggest thing that I think is different is the ego. So in the east they have the concept of a part of our mind that is

the ego. And in the west we use the word ego. Freud defined it in some way. We all have this intuitive sense of identity. But in the same way that logic and emotions interact in a very mechanistic and defined way in the west our model does not include this piece and the road map that you're talking about has to do with that piece. So if the rest of the world because things get complicated, right? That's why it's so exciting for you and so challenging. Things get complicated. Everyone wants you to be Something and then we

make a big mistake because we do this thing called internalize. And the moment that you internalize now, is it coming from the outside or is it coming from you? Is this something that I've been conditioned to want or is it something that I truly want? Which then begs the question, what the hell is truly want? Is there a difference between want from over here and want from over there? And The yogis will say that the answer is yes. So once you understand the ego and the ego functions in a couple of ways. If I ask

you Andrew who are you what would you say >> Andrew? >> Okay. Is that it? >> I mean I have a list of roles that I occupy in life. >> Very good. >> Are those you? >> They're facets of me. >> Okay. Right. So anything that you can use to describe tenure professor at Stanford. >> Right. I wouldn't put that first, but that happens to be true. I'm a brother. >> Brother, >> I'm a boyfriend. >> Once a skater, always a skater. But yes, I'm a public educator. >> Great. >> I'm a son, a friend.

>> All of that stuff is ego. >> Mhm. >> Okay. So, ego is anything when you say I am dot dot dot, anything that defines you after that is actually part of your ego. >> And and the interesting thing is that it's not that the ego is bad. This is a common misconception, but like ego, we all need ego to function in in the world. Um, if you are okay not functioning in the world and you're moving towards enlightenment, then you No longer need ego. But generally speaking, we need ego. So, you know, if you're

looking for a road map of what you truly want in life and what is healthy for you and not healthy for you, when you say you're Andrew, right, there's a lot of other people who can claim to be Andrew, but they're not you. You're talking about a a fundamental internal experience of the self. And you were Andrew before you were a a boyfriend. You were Andrew. You've Always been a son, but you actually you were Andrew before you even knew you were a son. Right. >> Right. You were still Andrew. So there's a fundamental like

bundle of experience. That's really what you are. And I think that the best road map if you're trying to figure out what to do in life, try to peel away the layers of your ego. And I know that's getting complicated, but if we sort of think about like, you know, what is it that like practically gets us Jammed up in life is when I try to be something. >> I know this is going to sound weird. I'm sure you have ambition, but I don't think you are where you are because of your ambition. I think

you are where you are because you listen to this internal voice, not try to live up to external expectations. >> 100%. I I can truly say that every choice I've made to get into, you know, fish and animals when I was a kid, Obsessed with birds and fish and then skateboarding and then biology and science and where I'm at now has has been some sense of an internal passion and something pulling me from the outside and it's just a I just go. >> Right. Those choices were always made because I knew in my heart's heart

there was no other option in in the positive sense. >> Yes, >> I'm going like I'm pulled toward it and I'm driven and I'm driven toward it. >> Right. So So you are listening to a part of you, >> right? So it is an internal thing that the world then meets you halfway. So it it makes it possible where there's a whole thing about that. >> For me it's a physical energy. >> Fine. If I feel physical energy coming up in my body and I want to move towards something and for some reason I feel

it more in my left arm than anywhere else. This has always been true. I I'll have a thought and I know and that's when I go, "Oh my goodness, I'm going to do this thing. I know I'm going to do it and there's no backing out because it it has to happen. That's that's how it feels." >> Yeah. Right. So, so, so any desire that you have that comes from the sense organs is probably not this thing. So, the the sense organs can trigger something within you. But if we look at like, you know, social

media, half the Problem is that the hardest problem I have as a psychiatrist is convincing people that they don't really want the things that they say they want. It's like so crazy, right? Like we're being programmed. We're being conditioned. And I realized this the other day when like I was like, man, like I wish I talked to my agent about like like doing more talks. Like I want to go someplace and like get like paid speaking engagements. And I realized I I actually Hate that. I I don't like that. It's just what I thought people

like us do. And I've done a couple of them which have been really fantastic and I really enjoy that. But I like sitting with people, right? So we're we're trained. And just think about it. Like anyone who's listening to this, think about all the [ __ ] that you've seen that you think you want, but you don't really want. You just like look at other people and you're like, "Yeah, I want that thing." It can be a particular kind of relationship. It can be a particular job. Like, you know, we all want like all this

random stuff. It's all coming from our sense organs, right? This is why advertising is a thing. So, stepping away from sense organs is really important for that road map. Second thing is anything that you want that is a comparison that is born of the ego. The ego is what defines you. Right? So we can say Tenur professor we can say associate part-time instructor. And so any comparison requires a definition. Does that kind of make sense? Yeah. >> Like so all of the gold medalist, silver medalist, bronze medalist, that's a comparative thing. If I say I'm

a silver medalist, then my desire for the gold medal can come out of the ego. Does that kind of make sense? >> Yes, it makes. The reason I'm I'm sort of uh with my hand below my lip is Because I I I'm so struck by this because I've had this feeling for a while now that most of the danger in life um comes from the need the feeling that we need to prove something to others or to ourselves. >> Yep. And yet I know it's healthy to prove things to myself. Like it's felt good to

be able to accomplish certain things. You know, I did that. Like I could do other difficult things. But the origin of of all of that work For in my mind, it's only healthy, at least for me, if it's not by virtue of trying to prove something. It's like there's a difference between a genuine heart's desire, for lack of a better way to put it, and what you're calling a a a pursuit of of trying to win at some game in one's head. It's like a video game that that isn't real. >> Yeah. It's it's not

that it's not real, right? So So I I I I agree with you 100% and I Think there's a couple of important things. So you know proving yourself is not wholly wrong >> but understand that it is the ego that's what it's going to gratify >> right so if you have an ego of I am a loser by all means so this is part of the the process I have people in my office who are losers for lack of a better term 29 years old living at home playing video games all day watching pornography no

job dropped out of College >> and and so what they want more than anything else is to be a winner. And so my work involves two steps. First, let's help you be go from loser to winner. And then let's abandon the whole paradigm because I've also had people in my office who are billionaires and finally get to retire at the age of 52 after having sold their amazing third company and then after retirement it's not enough. They want to make another Billion. They want to do something else. So like you know that that loser to

winner like your mind will continually move the goalposts if you were hungry before you got it. The thing won't fulfill your hunger. It may for a little while and then you have to take another step of like okay losing and winning is now done right and I I I think you've gone through that. I can hear it in your words and people can probably hear it too. the way that probably at some point In your life being a tenure prof I don't know why I'm that's just the thing that that is the thing that people

are the lustiest for right in the world that I think we come from >> it it felt good to get >> right >> and I won't lie it felt good to get at a place like Stanford even though there are many fantastic Yep >> and extremely challenging places to >> to achieve that it felt like the um culmination of you know 20 years of very hard work that I enjoyed but that you know it represented an important milestone for me but I knew I'll just say and of course we're just we're talking about this example

but hopefully people are thinking about examples in their own lives >> but I knew for instance I never want to be a department chair. >> Yeah. >> Tons of work doing administrative stuff. I remember when they told me you'll be vice chair and I'm like oh my goodness what do I have to do to avoid that? I also knew that I didn't care about being a member of the National Academy. A close childhood friend of mine was just elected to the National Academy of Sciences. We've been friends since we were seven. And I was I'm

so happy for him because he's doing exactly what he loves. But I never aspired to be a Member of the National Academy ever. Why? Because what came after tenure in order to go there was a divergence from what I really wanted to do. >> Yeah. So I I think this is the key thing about the road map, right? So like we get conditioned by our sense organs. So like just to keep it super practical, if you're trying to figure out what you should do. Is this coming from my sense organs? If your sense organ triggers

something that's always been been within You, right? So if you see like a frog and like like you really want to be interested like you want to figure out how the frog works, but the interesting thing about the difference between the sense organ thing and an internal drive is your internal drive will find multiple objects in the outside world, right? So first it was biology, then it was frogs, now it's neuroopthmology, now it's this. So I don't know if that this kind of makes sense. The drive is always The same and it it'll encounter different

things in the world. >> Yes. What is that drive? >> We'll get to that in a second. Okay. So first thing for practically is like if you're trying to figure out what should I do first ask yourself how have you been conditioned by social media? Move away from that. Second thing is be careful about any comparisons you make, any motivation that you have to because of a comparison. It can lead to success. You can be successful but you won't be happy >> because this is it's so annoying, right? So when when I want like I

I work with a lot of influencers and and YouTubers and stuff and so it's like oh we want our first million and if you're not careful the moment that you get your first million like you want a second million and then you want a third million and then it's even scarier, right? So, like, oh, I got three million subscribers. That's awesome. But then, you know what's really terrifying, Andrew, is a guy who started after me is getting followers faster than I'm getting them, right? And so, the ego is never going to be satisfied. The ego

by its nature is comparative. And even if you're number one, people think this the most anxious people I've ever worked with, not actually true, but >> yeah. >> Is people who get to the top and you Think that you're done. You're not done. Then you're looking behind you at all of the people who are younger, harder working, have the benefit of AI tools, have the benefit of of the the path that you have carved, who are catching up on you and and will overtake you soon enough. So one good example of why we get why

we compare is the more you are judged, the more your ego grows and the more you will compare. Right? So this is almost like we're taught how to when People judge us, we judge ourselves and we get judged based on ranking >> and and so you know this is what we see on the internet as social media as we start to get judged more and more and more we become more and more narcissistic. This is the narcissistic defense that tries to protect us from judgment. Um and so it's happening to everybody and it's escalating the

rate at which it's happening. people are more egotistical than they've ever been. >> Do you think that's um especially true for people who have large followings on social media? >> Absolutely. I mean, so so I work with with um influencers and was so curious about the work that I was doing that I tried to develop a program. So we now have like a creator coaching program where we're like collecting data about whether it's effective or not. Um and and so the really interesting thing is I think it's A unique like effect on our psychology. The

closest thing is like you know a lot of celebrities are like really messed up and and that's because they have so many eyes on them and people don't realize just as a simple example the brain just doesn't think probabilistically. So you can have a thousand people love the work that you do but all it takes is one person who's really nasty. That is what your brain is going to focus on. It's going to highlight it's amazing. I can be looking at like chat that is scrolling during live streaming. They're messages that are faster than I

can read, but if someone says something that is dangerous, my mind will flag it. >> Wow. >> It's like a predator on the horizon. >> Absolutely. So, so we have these circuits which which were designed to look at a jungle and see a single pair of tiger's eyes. And so the danger Scanning mechanism makes it so that the bigger that you get and the more eyes that are on you, the more paranoid you have to be, the more narcissistic you will have to become. Because when someone turns to you and says, "You are ugly. You

are stupid." In order to defend against that, you have to say, "No, I'm not. I am beautiful. I am intelligent." And the more times that you say that to yourself, it's this is where things get complicated. But you Don't that doesn't result in confidence. So I I don't know if this makes sense, but if you are confident, you don't need to say that I'm smart or that I'm beautiful. Does that kind of make sense? >> What about the uh you know to each their own mindset? Like some people will like the content. I tell myself

this, you know, some people will like the content and the way I frame it and um will look at it uh on the whole that, you know, some episodes more than others uh, you Know, certain things and others won't. They'll they'll hate it for whatever reason or hate me for whatever reason. And I'm okay with that. Yeah. So, I think you're doing a really important thing which is like a key takeaway. So, when someone dislikes what you do, you think about them and not you. That's the opposite of ego, right? So, if we take someone

who's very narcissistic and they receive a criticism, they say, "No, no, no. I'm great." Right? So, so this is Where like literally I I don't know if this is too abstract, but I'll give kind of like maybe a simpler example of this. So, um I you know, I trained in Boston and there was a lot of K2 use. So, K2 is like synthetic marijuana. And, um so, like sometimes like you walk into the emergency room, there's there's a dude who's like high on math or like high on K2. like you know he's just saying all

kinds of terrible things that has nothing to do with me >> right and the way that you framed some people are going to like what you do and some people are not going to like what you do that's on them >> so if we want to step away from the ego we have to understand that don't take it personally like literally that's the colloquial phrase right but it's hard to do so if if you're someone at home trying to figure out okay how do I connect with my true self how do I step away from

my ego notice Notice your Reaction to criticism. >> Is your reaction of criticism? Are you considering are you actually being empathic? >> Right? So what empathic really means is are you putting yourself in someone else's shoes and the other person hey maybe not everybody likes pineapple on pizza or are you taking it personally? Do their insults determine your value as a human being? And the moment that that starts to happen, the friction that You're talking about, which can be so fun, becomes torture because now you have to make them happy in order to feel good

about yourself, you have to make the people around you happy. So interesting. I I think some of us grew up or somehow internalized the idea that if somebody is angry or is criticizing us and it's being delivered in a certain way that it must be true versus the ability to just really step Back and assess, you know, no, it could very well be they're in a bad mood, they didn't sleep well. Um, you know, I grew up in a community of academics, some athletes, mostly academics. So, everyone around me wasn't necessarily hyperverbal, but you know

this from training in Boston, there was a way of delivering a criticism that felt like a poison dart. >> Yeah. >> That would get right to the to the heart Of it without calling somebody a name. This is actually a very prized skill in academia and medicine. I think it's one of the more sinister aspects of of higher education and medicine. Um, but it exists in every field. But people aren't going to say, "Oh, dude, you you know, like that was stupid." They're going to find a way to to kind of thread that that heat-seeking

missile, right? And I think that sometimes getting to this thing about emotion versus Language, the more primitive the expression, the I hate you. F you, like it's easier, like you said in the with the with the person in the clinic on K2, it's easier to say like they're crazy, they're on drugs, they are ill, but when something is delivered in a way that's um very articulate or calm, we tend to give it more credit as likely to be true. So on the internet, I see most of what comes at me that's negative as I I

like to Think there's also learning there, but if the way it's delivered, the way I've noticed things get past my force field is I go, "Oh, wait, wait, wait." Like they'll say like a PubMed ID. You don't know what you're talking about. They give me a pub. Then I'll go to the paper. I'm like, "That actually doesn't say that." But but in my mind, I thought, "Oh my goodness, I must have screwed up, right? They're not just telling me I'm wrong. They're telling me Um that I'm wrong because of something on the Library of Congress

PubMed. So, do you see what I'm saying? So, I think that knowing what our what our fences are good at filtering and not good at filtering is hard. It takes time. It takes years to cultivate. >> No, I would hope that it could be quicker, but it took me, excuse me, uh it took me many years to cultivate. >> Yeah. Let's just understand. So, it's it's hard to cultivate. It took years For you to cultivate because you didn't have a teacher. >> Right. Right. So let's be let's be a bit precise here. So like and

and this is the key thing. So I I think I I hope people are following this because this is how you develop like so one of my uh you know colleagues in residency talked about this concept of a teflon Buddha right like you know like this idea of like being like impervious. So how do you become like psychologically Impervious? And what you're talking about when you say a heat seeeking missile is your linguistic cortex is doing wonders because it what a poison dart right what they're doing the reason it's so effective Andrew is not just

because of the anger. We'll get to the anger in a second but they are figuring out where your weak point is >> and they're they're attacking that weak point. It's not about the size of the missile. It's about the precision. Even In your language you are talking about a precise attack. So that precision is in academia, people are really good at detecting other people's vulnerabilities and they go for the nuts, right? That's what they do. Like psychologically, they go for the nutsh and and there's there's all kinds of other things going on here, but let's

let's be simple. So it is when someone has a high anger attack, okay, this means their amygdala is through the Roof. So they are thinking in black and white. their attack isn't black and white. A black and white attack is easier to repel because it's not nuanced. >> Okay. So, like when someone is angry, you're right. It is easier to dismiss their anger. And you were also correct that but it it it's almost like a not a everything you said is correct, but I'd say the model that you're assuming is that these are two opposite

things. They're not. The other thing is so when someone is not angry, they are not black and white. If they're not black and white, it is not easy to dismiss. >> Mh. Just because it's not black and white, that doesn't activate your anger, it doesn't activate your black and white thinking. Right? So when someone is coming at me angry, my empathic circuits are going to activate my own amydala. I'm going to get angry back. You did This. No, I didn't. Right? So the most psychotic denial, psychotic or delusional denial, that's a better word. The most

delusional denial that you'll ever hear is when someone's angry. No, I didn't do that. I never did that. I never did that. I never did that. I never And they can believe it because that's what happens. The amygdala makes your thinking black and white. You know, when we have adrenaline collapsing or running through our system, it collapses Peripheral vision down to a 30° cone. So, we can only see this thing. So, this is the first element of why heat-seeking missiles work. When they come at you angry, you're going to get angry. If you're going to

get angry, it doesn't matter if they're right, doesn't matter if they're wrong. You're going to say, "No, it's it's incorrect. Doesn't matter the truth of it." So, this is the first element of it, right? So is that that they don't approach you they approach You in an articulate way when they approach you in an articulate way doesn't activate your amydala it does in a different way but then then the issue is their finesse and you said a poison dart really interesting imagery it's something that hurts a little bit and then flows through your veins so

I can even imagine when they said that problem ID your first thought was not a big deal I know my [ __ ] and then the poison goes into your mind well maybe I don't know My stuff oh my god what if there is piece of paper that I missed. What if there is something that I and and then that that injury will grow in your mind and and so all of your and this is the stuff right like the stuff that hurts us when people insult us. What hurts are the things we believe about

oursel. You know, we all have these doubts because we're not perfect human beings because we make mistakes. And when someone figures out, oh my god, this is this is This person's weak point. And the really scary thing is that humans have evolved to do this. All you have to do is go to any recess in the fifth grade and kids will figure out what hurts and then they will say it to you again and again and again and again. But I I think it's really important to remember you know if something hurts that's your own

insecurity and and insecurity remember if you say I am a loser I am fat I am ugly those are all part of your ego. So There are certain things that you can do and this goes back to the what is that voice on the inside? So this is where you know in the eastern system there is a self beyond the mind. So the mind is not what you are. The mind is an organ that you can observe in the same way that you can observe your hand. In the same way that your hand can change

your mind can change. Your mind changes every day. >> What's the best way to learn to observe One's mind? Is it meditation? >> Probably the best way to observe your mind is actually psychotherapy. You'll get better insight into your mind there. But if you want to move beyond mind and I don't mean that in like a oh let's move beyond mind. What I mean is that if you look at your experience of existence, there is more to you than thoughts, emotions, and ego. And so if you want to get to that and step outside of

your ego, meditation is the best Thing for that. And there are lots of studies that suggest that meditation shuts off the default mode network. Default mode network is our sense of like self. Um there are also many studies that show that you can predict the therapeutic benefit of a psychedelic trip based on an ego death experience. So if someone has an ego death experience when they are using psychedelics, there's a greater likelihood that they heal from it, which Has to do with deactivation of the default mode network. >> When you say psychedelics, are there particular

psychedelics that tend to promote ego death more than others? >> I don't know the answer to that question, but I would say that most of the studies that I've seen are in psilocybin, but there that that's just because there are more studies on psilocybin, I think. Um, arguably, you know, MDMA will do it too because MDMA Is an empathogen and will help people form bonds and kind of changes their perception of the self, right? >> Um, so meditation is the best way to dissolve your ego like that. I believe >> I'd like to take a

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has a wait list of over 250,000 people, but they're offering early access to Huberman podcast listeners. Again, that's functionhealth.com/huberman to get early access to function. Meditation potentially in an safe clinical setting may be exploring ego dissolution through psychedelics. Although there's still schedule one drug so we have to have to be thoughtful and how I communicate this not just to protect myself but protect other people. I know we I normally say that but >> yeah I always uh just raise it just to be clear what we're talking about. But I I I I understood your your

position on that. The thing inside that we know is Our true heart's desire that allows us to navigate the external pressures and the the roles, these these ego labels that we've given ourselves and that others have given us. Um do you know any practices to help cultivate being in touch with that? >> Yeah, absolutely. So the meditation that I like the most for this kind of thing is meditations around something called shunya. Shunya means void. So if you really look at like all of the Attributes of you, right? So I'm a man, I'm a husband,

I'm a son, whatever, boyfriend, all of those things are like qualities. Even a loser is like the presence of something, right? I'm a loser. I'm pathetic. That is the existence of a negative thing. a negative veilance thing. So if you really look at what you are, imagine Andrew for a moment, this is going to be hard, but imagine that you only existed for 10 seconds. What would you be like? You'd be almost nothing, right? You just get this flash of experience, but you have no narrative identity. You have no sense of self. All you are

is just a raw receiver of an experience. And like I I sometimes empathize with a child when they're first being born, that first shock of awareness and you don't know what the hell is going on and you start crying, right? You have no idea who you are, what you are. You're Just a chunk of receiving. So there are shunya practices which allow you to connect with the void within you. And the void within us is actually the most basic part of what we are. It's actually what's at the bottom. Mhm. >> And and so there

are some ways to sort of understand what this is like. So if you think about, you know, watching a beautiful sunset and you cease to exist. You're just soaking in the sunset. You don't have any thoughts. You don't have Any worries. It feels incredibly peaceful, right? And and you are there. You're not comeomaosse, but you don't have a personhood in that moment. Another really great example of this is like if you really need to pee and you're like waiting you're to use the bathroom and then finally you get your turn. The moment you start peeing,

you cease to exist whether you've got mortgages or you need to get a Valentine's Day present or you have to Do this you have all those thoughts you just you just there as a as a nothing. So these shuna practices are a little bit you have to do them with a little bit more caution. There's some like introductory practices. One example is if you close your eyes for a moment, this is going to sound kind of weird, but like where do you feel your body? Like so think about propriception, right? So like pay attention to

your arms, >> your head, your nose. So what I want you to do is focus on the area of the solar plexus and look for like an absence of feeling there. like as you breathe in and out like you can feel your rib cage expands maybe you can feel your your heartbeat but if you really pay attention to just the area of solar plexus there's going to be a feeling of emptiness and so as you meditate upon that you'll get closer to shunya The other really interesting easy way to get a taste of shunya is

close your eyes I want you to breathe in and then breathe out. And then when you're ready, breathe in again. And when you're ready, breathe out. Just just breathe nice and slow. And now what I want you to do is pay attention to the time between breaths. Between your breaths, you will have Stillness. Not during the breathing. During the breathing you exist, inhalation, exhalation, but in between exhalation and inhalation, there's a very beautiful stillness. For people who are having trouble feeling that I I love this because there's a interesting cognitive technique. Catch the moment where

inhalation becomes exhalation >> in your normal breathing, not absence of breathing because you're normally breathing in and out, in and out, in and out. Catch the moment where one becomes the other. That'll help you find shunya. >> Then shunya is defined as the void. >> Void. It's also zero emptiness. >> Yeah. There's no thought of roles or anything else when that >> and here's the beautiful thing like once you find shunya you can go into it >> so it's like as you practice this right So I'm sure that there's some neuroplasticity going on where your

brain is wiring and then like when bad things happen to you it's flowing happening to my body it's happening to my mind in here there's nothing so I I I tested this when my dad passed away so I remember like going to the the funeral and seeing his body. I remember touching his skin like his face and shocked at how cold he was. Like it was like my dad but he's like he's like ice and so I was Grieving and I was sad and I was crying but I was like is that thing still there?

And I found that thing was there and I felt at peace like it is the mind that is sad but I'm not sad. You know, the body is grieving, but I'm not grieving. That's really what I am. It's just that's just emotion. It's not really me. When we become identified with our emotion, right? When when we were were going through a breakup and we're like, "Oh my god, I become Sadness. I become sadness incarnate." But then when you step away from sadness, when you are watching sadness from the outside, it can actually be wonderful. And

that's why we like sad movies. We feel sad, but we feel great. The difference is are you the sadness or are you watching the sadness and what is doing the watching because the sadness is in the mind there's something outside of the mind observing it that shunya will help you find that Thing and that's how you become I mean that's the core of resilience so when I work with these influencers who are being stalked and you know just no matter what they do someone is there unhappy with it, right? Because you're talking about the internet

where they're they're literally people out there who are delusional, who are projecting all kinds of stuff onto you. They've never met you, Andrew, and then they say that you're the incarnate Of evil. And like, h how are they making that? Like they're living in a in a corner of the internet. And so in order to withstand that, in order to withstand the judgment, in order to withstand the poison darts, right? The interesting thing if you want to be impervious to the poison dart is you are inside. The poison dart hits your ego. It hits your

body and the poison flows through you and it hurts. But you are actually even beyond that. >> He seems to come up almost every episode. But my good friend Rick Rubin, who you would absolutely enjoy spending time with and he with you, I I'm certain of that just talking with you today and knowing him very well, um has talked a lot and written a lot about how this um getting beyond or outside or separate from the ego is is the essence of of really the work he does with creative artists. It's really getting them outside

of the perceptions of others. It's what one of the reasons why um when he's worked with artists when they're not yet famous, they're in their they might be ambitious, they might want some of that, but they're they're just doing their art. They're not filtering it through feedback. And there's something so beautiful about that. Then it gets contaminated >> and then the work over time is to ask whether or not people can get beyond that. But you're talking about shunya, Is that how you pronounce it? accessing this void uh getting away from the ego as a

practice for everyone everyday life not just people not just influencers and on the internet you're talking about the kid on the on the playground the the person on social media going with comparison or at the game looking at what the the other kids moms or dads have or are doing wearing etc. Yeah. I'm talking about the older sister whose younger sister is getting married first. I'm talking about the sibling whose older sibling got admitted to an Ivy League university and they didn't. I'm talking about the two of y'all that started the job at the same

time and your friend gets promoted and you don't. And all that stuff hurts, right? And the the real tragedy here, I've worked with so many people who are incredibly successful, is sometimes when we get that hurt, we adapt. We become ambitious. We say, "I'm going to be that Thing." And it leads us to success, but we pay the price of happiness. And the real tragedy is that some people believe that you get one or the other. You can be ambitious or you can be happy. But I I think you are a great living, breathing, walking

example of when you tap into what really drives you, then you can be successful. I don't know if you're happy. >> I I actually am very happy and very peaceful at this stage in my life. I am I mean I struggle like everyone else with >> having to do work to clear this the contaminants and my own and you know working on myself. Certainly. One thing that I've done that I wonder I'd love your thoughts on if because perhaps it offers a a useful tool for people is whenever I feel I'm not as in touch

with that part of myself as I would like. I feel like I've drifted from it or I'm just kind of caught in the current of Whatever it is I've signed up for in life which I enjoy but now it's contaminated and there's sewage floating next to me so to speak. I find some way to bring things into my home environment that remind me of that feeling when I was a kid. So recently, for instance, I converted a art gallery into a living space. This is something I can now do in my life that I certainly

couldn't do some years ago. And I love fish tanks. So I brought in aquaria and I've got my Fish tanks and I've got a pet octopus. And my girlfriend brought for Valentine's Day, I got her flowers. I said, "Oh, there are the flowers." We got back from dinner. They were there and she goes, "I got you some plants." And I turned around and the place was like filled with plants and I I love animals and plants. I was like, "Oh my god." So she clearly gets me and I was like, "Oh my goodness." And now

when I wake up in the morning, like I love Those plants. I need her to take care of them because I walk near a plant and it dies. Fish and animals, I'm good. Um uh but when I'm surrounded by things that just feel really good and wholesome and just kind of basic to who I know myself to be at a certain level, then I feel like I can take that energy into everything I do and it it serves as a filter. Like [ __ ] shows up as [ __ ] at that point. People's issues

show up as their Issues. real criticism that I need to internalize. I like to think still gets signal above the noise. So I tend to put things outside me to reawaken that. But I love love love that you're offering tools that have nothing to do with building something, buying something because those things are still external to me. This meditation is really about accessing it from within first. And um so anyway, that's just a reflection. >> Yeah. So so I want to point out I think There this is it's such a masculine thing. So so if

I can So you know men are really interesting. So we're trained to not manage our internal environment internally. So I I had a patient who was um I I saw in a jail. He was 19 and he had been in he'd been in jail like three or four times. And so I was talking to him about, you know, how he like wound up here because he's like 19. And so he was, you know, telling me that when he Was 12, um, his dad passed away. He's got three sisters, all older and a mom. And, um,

what they told him is like, "You're the man of the house, and you have to provide >> heavy." >> And and so he was like, "Okay, this is what I have to do." Like, so men do this thing. It's really interesting. We do emotional regulation through our environment. So if my environment makes me feel a certain way, if my mom, dad, Brother, sister, boss make is upset with me and makes me feel bad, if I make them happy, they will no longer be upset with me. And if they're no longer upset with me, I will

be content. We shape our internal emotional environment through our external environment. And the scariest place I see this is when when men I work with and it's not that women this doesn't happen to women as well. This is more the way we're socialized and there's an effect of testosterone And estrogen here as well. Um there's a biological element to this. But then they they fall into this trap of like their emotions are determined by the environment. >> So men are just just the way that they solve their internal emotional problems is by interacting with their

environment. That's just very common. So it doesn't mean that we shouldn't utilize the outside space, >> right? So I'm not suggesting I mean if You really want to be if you're pursuing enlightenment then don't get Aquaria but like most of us aren't doing that. So I think we should utilize shape our external environment there's tons of evidence that changing your environment is critical from recovering from addiction. Right? If you if you're still hanging out at a bar it's going to be really hard to be sober. So, we want to utilize those things, but we don't

want to become dependent on them. So, shape your environment for your benefit, but also be stable enough internally to where you don't need your Aquaria to feel stable, which I'm I'm I doubt you need. >> No, no, no. I raised that example. I see exactly what you're saying. And no, I use that example because it's like the ability to get in touch with a a piece of oneself that feels very true, very um wholesome and um and not, for lack of a better word, contaminated By anything external. >> Yeah. >> Feels good. And I think

it's the energy that one takes away from that that that I take away from that that excites me. >> Yeah. So, so I I I think it's a great point, right? So I think we sometimes forget. So I I was giving a talk for executives about work life balance and I was like there's no such thing. So I I think we we try to b work is over here and balance like you know home is over Sorry yeah life is over here. That's not how it works. You as a human being carry yourself between both

situations. When things are bad at work is when people have affairs. If things are bad at home you're not going to be at your your best at work. So I I I think you're you're you're really tunneling down into I think the most important part of it which is that look at how you get shaped and look at the person that you carry into your next thing. There's a whole Science behind that uh which I think we probably don't have time for but like this idea of some scars which is like almost like learning. >>

So if you sort of look at every experience that you have you learn something and you carry yourself forward right into the next experience into the next experience that's what we call learning. Well, let's talk about samscars because um years ago 2017, I was exposed to yoga nidra. >> Okay. >> The guy that taught me nidra said the whole purpose of nidra is yes to learn how to relax the body with an active mind etc. to make up sleep that perhaps you didn't get the night before, become a better sleeper, all that stuff. But he

said the purpose is to burn the samscars down to the roots. You're supposed to um these are like weeds that come up in your life and you're supposed to burn them down. And a nidra is one way that You you you rid yourself of of these things. Is he totally off base? >> No. So we we have to be careful because you love Aquaria and you love frogs. Now we're getting to what I love. >> Great. >> Okay. So I prefer that. >> Let's understand what yoga nidra is and what a sumot is. So one

of the biggest challenges that I have as a psychiatrist, my job is not in teaching people things. It is in helping them Unlearn. So if you look at what trauma is, if you look at ambition, if you look at ego, you know, you you kind of said you try to connect to this childlike energy. I forget if it was like Leonardo or Michelangelo or or someone who's like, you know, it took me my whole life to learn how to paint like a child. So if you look at literally what happens with the human psychology is

we acrue these micro traumas as we go through life. We acrew associations. I had a patient who was absolutely traumatized. was dating someone engaged to a dude. Okay. Discovered that her fianceé had been lying. So, he was in med school, failed out. Uh for 2 years, he pretended to go to class every day. And then then when he graduated, he got a job, >> but he didn't really graduate. >> He didn't really graduate. Here's the scary thing. So he would leave in the Morning, drive to his parents' house, spend the day there. Parents would deposit

money in their account. And so for years, like and so one day I think I think what happened is she went to his parents house and she saw him there cuz she like, you know, in on the >> Yeah, they were in the lie. They were in on the lie, right? So they were in on the lie. >> And so she is just like like what are you doing here? And then then she Discovers not only him, but her parents have been depositing money into their account every month. And so she discovers this betrayal. And

so I'm shocked. >> Yeah. It's insane. It's absolutely insane. The the the lengths that people will go to to to deceive you. >> Oh, believe me, I've experienced somebody creating a world that was a complete fabrication and eventually all came tumbling down for them. But I Remember being like, "Oh my god." >> Yeah. Right. So when you're about to marry this person, it leaves scars. So then what happens is she goes into her next relationship and she has an immense amount of distrust is paranoid about her next partner. Next partner didn't do [ __ ]

and this guy is getting like like there's so much paranoia, right? So if you look at life, life is a series of like bad stuff that happens to us and then we adapt. But the way that the human mind adapts is the same way that the human body adapts. Because if something is in if we get really damaged, we get a callous. We get scar tissue. Scar tissue is not functional. It's protective, but it's not functional. So most of our adaptations become maladdaptations later on. Okay. So this is what a sumscot is. So it's like

this emotional energy that lingers with you and shapes the way that you see the world. So it's really Fascinating because we have all this like trauma processing and the yogis were talking about it for thousands of years as some scars and now you were talking about you know this thing down there that needs to be burned. So let's understand that for a second if you look at your mind stuff pops up right have you ever wondered why certain things pop up? No. Right. Have you ever thought like why aren't you interested in the scent of

a rose? Like a certain like it's so weird like our our mind just generates thoughts and everyone is trying to learn discipline and willpower. I think it's terrible. Willpower is so bad because why not just shape yourself to have the right desires? Then you don't need willpower. This is what the process of yoga is really about. This is what samscar generation is about. Did you learn a salpa when you did uh yoga nidra? >> Well, they talk about it. I confess that Um I've maintained a very regular yoga nidra practice, but I've not explored the

these aspects of it. >> So, I'll explain to you the mechanism of a scalpa and like literally it's it's [ __ ] wild. This is reprogramming your subconscious mind so that the things that your subconscious mind puts into your conscious mind, you can control. Okay. So, in the case of trauma, all kinds of weird stuff gets put into our subconscious mind like I can't trust People. Then what happens is that floats to the surface. In my patient's case, every time her second fiance, she doesn't know where he is. She's like, "Maybe he's scamming me." Right?

Like that's what she thinks. So, I don't know if that makes sense. That's a thought in her conscious being born out of something in her unconscious. We in neuroscience call this learning, right? So we're learning certain things. So in psychotherapy, we try to get rid of that bad stuff. But let's understand how stuff goes in because if we can understand how the mind is programmed, and this is it's so simple, so neuroscientific, okay? Or maybe you can tell me it's not neuroscientific, but I'm pretty sure it is. Okay? The first thing is the onepointedness of

the mind allows things to sink in. So, if I'm trying to study optic nerve anatomy and I'm in a burning building with people Yelling at me, I can have my eyes look at the paper, but I'm not going to learn anything. This is the really crazy thing is a lot of people study repetitively, right? So, I read the paper again and again and again and again, but it's not like each time I read the paper I get 10% of the knowledge. If you really pay attention to your mind, when you are focused, when your mind

is onepointed, you just need to read it once. What we're basically doing is we're rolling The dice. Am I focused this time I read the page? Am I focused this time I read the page? Am I focused this time I read the page? This is also why we have studies on things like writing. So when you write, it improves your capacity to focus. So that's when things enter your memory a little bit more. So onepointedness of the mind is what leads to things being learned. Now this is how trauma works. So when we when you

are intensely emotional, it actually Focuses your mind. >> Yeah. And as you mentioned before, I'm so glad you did as a visual system neuroscientist. When adrenaline levels are high, the visual field narrows, our depth perception change. Everything becomes a microscope view of the thing in front. >> Absolutely. Right. And and when when we're having an argument because you didn't get me what I asked for for Valentine's Day, and then I tell you, Andrew, you've you've never gotten me what I want for Valentine's Day. That laser focus, that one statement that I make, even though I

tell told you right before that I love you and right after I'm sorry, that thing sinks in. It's that poison dart, right? It sinks in and that's what you remember because you are focused on it. So when we are emotional, we are focused. So the way that I want you to think about your mind is like a pool of water that has a lot of waves. >> And when the water is still, something can sink down to the the bottom. But when the water is really active, nothing sinks in. So now we get to yoga

nidra. So in yoga nidra what we are doing is attaining a state of consciousness that is what's called in the yogic yogic scientific literature a hypno yogic state. So it's not hypnosis but it's not pure active consciousness. It is a very dormant awakeness if that Kind of makes sense right you're in this trance and so in that trance you you're in the edit mode for your unconscious mind so this is where a sulpa comes in so a sulpa is a resolve that you put in there and then I don't know how to explain this except

in this way so when I work with a patient who has anxiety and they have this subconscious programming we when we have a therapeutic breakthrough which there's tons of evidence for, right? So, even Freud noticed this that you have to activate the emotion in psychotherapy. Like my patient that I talked about a while ago who was like comes and he talks about how he's depressed didn't do [ __ ] for him. What we have to talk about is why he's angry, how he's been screwed in life. All the people that he's an So then once

once that emotional energy activates, we become one-pointed. We activate that energy in the in the unconscious and then if we vent it out, It disappears. That's how you burn away the things by letting them out. >> And in nidra um is there an opportunity for emotion? Um you're very it's a deeply relaxed but mind active state. >> No. No. Yeah. So you don't want emotion in nidra. You are actually so emotion collapses a scattered mind to one point. But there is a state of consciousness even beyond one-pointedness that would we we use in studying where

if you talk to people who like engage in not even The flow state but beyond the flow state. So there are people who like the best ter I know it's going to sound hokey but people who like channel divinity that I think divine is the best scientific term. So there is there are some human beings and everyone has experienced this where like you're not you you're like something else. >> Tell me more. I think the Greeks thought of genius is not a person is like something you channel >> something coming through somebody >> something you

see this I think most readily in musicians >> musicians athletes >> right so there are sometimes like I work with like esports athletes and some of them know that they're going to win they see the game that they're going to play and they're they they know exactly what's going to happen and the crazy thing it's not a calculation it's an intuition I'm sure that on some level They're calcul So we call this stuff divine. I'm not saying it's divine. I'm not saying it comes from God. I'm saying that the subjective experience is qualitatively fundamentally different

from like a regular logical experience. So this is a state of mind that is even beyond emotion. It's in the edit mode. And scattered mind emotion brings us down to some amount of focus. But then there's even a level of focus that's deeper. >> And that's where the rewriting comes in. >> That's where the rewriting comes in. that that's when that and then when you implant something there that's what a scalpa is. So when you do yoga nidra the physiologic element so this is what's like not bad but is a necessary step with where we

are with science all the weird mystical stuff I think is real but we have to start with the basic science right so the way that science works is like we start with okay like let's look At cortisol production and then let's look at what happens next and let's look at what happens next and let's look at what happens next. So yoga nidra whether you're talking about cardiac coherence breathing. So there's the first stage of what we call nadishudi pranayam which is alternate nostril breathing but then there's a text called um vashishta samita which talks about

a particular kind of cardiac coherence breathing with a a ratio of 1:4 to 8. So You breathe in for 8 seconds. Actually you breathe in for 16 seconds you hold for 64 seconds and then you exhale for 32 seconds. If you do the vashishta samita version of cardiac coherence breathing the subjective experience is completely different. You will feel prana. You will feel chi >> with that pattern of breathing. >> With that pattern of breathing you >> those are long inhales holds and exhales. >> Yeah. So it's it's hard to get to but like literally the

subjective experience that you will have is like a sense of vibration on like at the periphery of your body. That's what it feels like to me. I'd like to take a quick break and acknowledge our sponsor, Eight Sleep. Eightle makes smart mattress covers with cooling, heating, and sleep tracking capacity. One of the best ways to ensure you get a great night's sleep is to make Sure that the temperature of your sleeping environment is correct. And that's because in order to fall asleep and stay deeply asleep, your body temperature actually has to drop by about 1

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first. My lab has done some clinical studies on breath work. We called it respiration physiology for a reason. It's important to be able to fund studies and also to be able to communicate th that information to colleagues who if they just hear breath work or meditation or that that it's it's a separator, right? that the the field of science can't go into the mystical right away. But what's so interesting is nowadays there are discussions about uh meditation that are Starting to get into the deeper layers, but it took 20 years or more of formal science

to do. I'm I'm not arguing with you. I just I think some people will say why not just cut to the chase. No, no, no. You know, I completely agree with with everything you're saying. I think there are ways of editing the nervous system that are non-farmacologic that are behavioral. You're describing some of the the the more ancient ones. I do believe the yogis were and are Neuroscientists. They come in through a different avenue. My recollection from nidra is that um there are some there's an encouragement to two things that I would love your your

your comments on. One is there's an instruction in the nidros that I've done to move away from thinking and doing to being and feeling. You're trying to get out of the state of planning out of there's some shift that's critical. And then the other one is I am statements. There there's this Instruction to give uh like talk about one's deepest heart's desire as if it's already happened. Is that BS or is that >> No, it's not BS. But we have to understand mechanism. So let me talk about the science bit for a bit. I have

a far not simpler I'm a clinician. I think there's a reason we have to start with physiology because when a patient comes into my office if I tell them do yoga nidra what is the effect size of the intervention? We need to know that Right? So here's the problem with studying meditation and the benefit of studying meditation this way. >> The problem is that we're teaching people to swim for eight weeks that does not show us what an Olympic athlete is. So our science of meditation is in its infancy. The reason why this is really

important is because not everybody is a Buddha. So the reason we have to start with physiology is because we need we're we're doing scientific studies to make Predictions. Why are we making predictions? At least for me it's to help a human being. So I don't care that you know there's some yogi who's been in the cave in the Himalayas for 60 years and attain some weird channeling of divinity. What I want to know is like when a human being comes into my office and I tell them to meditate how much can I pull back on

their SSRI if they've been sticking with the practice right so you have to start science is about Reliability not about possib that sounds so new age but it's it's about what we can reliably predict and that's a really important place to start going back to the nidra thing this is the thing to understand so if you think about planning planning is a higher order cognitive function that depends upon on other baser cognitive functions. And I'll just give you a simple example. If I care about parties, my mind will automatically plan parties. If I care About

avoiding other people, I will automatically plan how to avoid other people. So the planning that you do is whatever. But which things are you planning? That comes from the deeper stuff for lack of a better term. That's why so these people they're not doing the the sulpa in the most classic form but they're getting there because a being statement is the pluropotent stem cell of where you want to go. Okay. So what what do I mean by that? It's like So like like let's be precise and I know it sounds newagy but there's like science

here. Okay. So let's look about some look at something like self-esteem. So self-esteem is an assessment of yourself and think about all of the ways if I have high self-esteem or low self-esteem that will result in so many different like [ __ ] manifestation not it's the word right that will manifest in your life in so many ways how do you respond to feedback if someone asks too Much of you can you set a boundary and this is the problem the the core of the work that I try to do is I try to help

people get to their fundamentals everyone's focused on changing behavior everyone's focused on increasing willpower to overcome this tendency. And it's like, why not just change the tendency? And that sounds so simple, but that's literally what we do in psychotherapy every day. When we come in and someone Has a narcissistic personality disorder, Andrew, this is personality. This is who they are. And we can psychotherapize them to be someone else. for their natural thoughts to change, for the way that they see the world to change, for their behaviors to change on its own. It doesn't require willpower

is necessary when you are trying to not be narcissistic. It is not necessary when you are no longer narcissistic. So, we've done it in psychotherapy. We Know that if your self-esteem changes, if your sense of being changes, treatment refractory depression will change. Trauma, PTSD will change. Do you have your patients do neutra >> some of them? >> So I also have a whole I mean I I just started this research and then left academia but I was trying to develop evidence-based protocols for particular diagnosis for certain kinds of meditation practices. >> Beautiful. >> Right. So

for narcissism I would lean into shunya practices for trauma healing and specifically the patients who come in who need a fundamental belief change if they just didn't believe this thing about themselves. So I had one patient who had a lot of trauma and the sun gulpa that she came up with or that we came up with together is I deserve to be whole not I am whole and then if if you think about a sunulpa that's a compass That you will navigate life with so the main thing is once it gets into her mind I

deserve to be whole if people even her own she had a lot of self-sabotaging behaviors and it's like no I deserve to be whole right that is something that she and this isn't telling yourself this is the problem this I want to be precise. I know it sounds weird, but telling yourself is like there's a lot of mental activity and you're trying to say something from the outside. Like you Can tell yourself, "Hey, Andrew, I'm going to remember this mathematical formula." Doesn't work. You can tell yourself all kinds of things, but like telling yourself is

very surface level mental activity. That's not how change happens. So when we're talking about like narrative reconstruction post trauma and this is what's so terrible about social media, everyone's like consuming this like you know tell yourself every single day that this is True. That's not how you change your beliefs. Bel that's that the science of how beliefs change isn't by telling yourself things over and over and over again. That's gaslighting yourself. It's just trying to drown what you really believe with like it's like taking a piece of dog poop and putting icing on top. >>

It's not how neuroplasticity works. >> Exactly. >> I mean, I can say that with 100% Confidence and my uh as a neuroscientist and you know, I don't claim any relationship to the work. My but my scientific great-grandparents won the Nobel Prize for neuroplasticity. It is a process that has certain requirements. They have to happen in a certain order and at a certain depth of of the nervous system, which is what you're describing. And so no amount of of repeating a phrase, >> Yep. >> positive or negative, is going to u engage neuroplasticity. Yeah. >> And

I wish I wish that people knew that because it would provide them a filter through a lot of [ __ ] So I think this this sulpa idea and this idea of like you know focus on being statements because being statements are like more primordial and they will ma they will result in the mental fluctuations of your mind in a different way right so they'll automatically Result in a certain kind of desire in a certain kind of planning and a certain kind of inclination they're your most natural tendency and like I'm lazy like people don't

realize this but like I'm lazy I'm still a degenerate gamer. You know, I don't like to work. I I work seven days a week, but it's not work. The only way I can work seven days a week is to shape my experience of the thing. And this is what a lot of people don't realize. This is a fascinating uh Theory that I think is somewhat true called the theory of constructed emotion. So I forget who's the person who's the pioneer of it but it's sort of this idea that like we think that you know when

something happens to us the emotion is automatic but we actually construct that emotion. >> We have a hand in how we receive the world around us right so you can people can criticize you but you can take it Constructively the way that you mentally respond to something is huge. So when we when we're doing a sulpa, when we're doing yoga nidra, are we burning away samscars? Sure. The samscar is the negative emotional programming then the adaptation that we made. So it'll burn that stuff away. So you will be free of that stuff. But that's not

what I would do that practice for. It's really to put a positive thing in there. And by having a being statement, it may Somehow counteract. I think this is where like my science head I can't be precise enough. I sort of know that how a sunulp works. I've used it for myself. I've used it for many patients. It really is about attaining that neuroplasticity. It's about attaining that state of mind. And if you don't get there, it doesn't work. Then you're just repeating things to yourself. Which is why there's such an emphasis on the physiology

because in order to enter Into that state of mind, we have to be really precise with what we're doing autonomically, physiologically. Do you think that uh liinal states between sleep and awake are also a valuable opportunity for people to rewire their beliefs about themselves um and engage neuroplasticity? >> Absolutely. So hypnogogic hypnopic hallucinations are like good examples of this that state is really weird. So there is one of the 112 techniques that Will bring you to enlightenment is to catch the moment of sleep. Beautiful technique. incredibly hard to do. So, this is something that people

need to understand when we're talking about meditation. I want y'all to understand that this is a technique that I did for 12 years before seeing a single result. And this technique will give you and now we're going completely off the rails, okay? Uh will give you a lot of insight Into your past lives. So, there's something and we we can get into the science of that if you want to. Um but like there's something like when people come to me and they say hey like I want to learn about my past lives the technique that

I give them is to focus on the liinal state between consciousness and sleep and specifically to catch the moment of sleep to so to see yourself fall asleep. So I do that in nidra I can observe myself falling Asleep and I'm aware that I'm falling asleep but I'm not lucid dreaming I'm I'm watching myself sleep. Um it's a and it and I literally feel like I'm falling. There's probably some deactivation of the vestibular system or something going on there. Um >> propriceptive hallucination. >> Yeah. So some something going on. Um I mean what we're talking

about here is to really just break it down is deeply relaxed state. So so autonomic tone is Very parasympathetic but al but alert enough to observe the self. So this is an unusual state, right? Because I normally think about the autonomic nervous system like a seessaw, parasympathetic, sympathetic. So alert, stressed, panic, or asleep, coma, dead, right? You know, and it's going back and forth the entire time we're alive. But what we're talking about here is a weird kind of bending of the seessaw where we're both very relaxed And very alert. And in that state, the

the brain is more available for for instruction, for for for editing. Many people I think use psychedelics trying to achieve this state. That's one avenue. I I think it it would be amazing if there were more uh faster entry points. 12 years is a long time. I hear that. Other people hear that like, oh [ __ ] you know, that's that's a lot of meditating before I get where I want to be. But do you think that there's Opportunity for nidra and um excuse me um uh Shina, the void meditation to be valuable in the

short term as well? This is one of the 112 Dantra techniques. >> It's just that technique. >> Yeah, that that's a really hard one because it has no preparatory practice. It has no physiology to it. It's just catch the moment of sleep. That's it. >> So that's where you know that technique is normally if you've trained yourself then you can do it but it's really hard To do just off the cuff. >> Nidra is very helpful from the get-go, right? So from an autonomic nervous system standpoint very helpful. We tend to be hyperympathetically activated. So

yoga nidra is very good for parasympathetic activation. Yoga nidra is also very good for the rotation of your smataensory cortex. >> So you know like we have this idea of the homunculus that's not really what it is and we can if I'm wrong of self >> yeah right. So so really what it is your smata sensory cortex is plastic >> and when you do rotations of awareness through your body it's really good for you really helps with things like chronic pain. Um, and so in chronic pain, what happens is patients their semata sensory cortex is

literally locked into the part of the of their body that's in pain. People think that and it's a it's a you know it's a self-reinforcing thing where something Hurts so your brain is thinking about it and the more that your brain thinks about it the more that it hurts. So Nidra is really good from the get-go and and that's where I sort of think about the benefits of meditation as first of all scientific to woo woo this we know works. this we have no clue. Um, in my personal journey it's been really weird. So I

I was brought to this weird mystical stuff like kicking and screaming where you know once you're You're meditating one day and you have a memory from your past life you sit there and you're like what the [ __ ] is that? Like is this a hallucination? Is this some form of genetic memory? Like is this epigenetic memory? Like what is this? I have no idea. So I'm not saying that past lives even exist. All I'm saying is that there are things that maybe some people can do that will give you the illusion of a past

life. That's all we know, right? There's no, this is Where I think a lot of people are very unscientific because they say if I have a memory of something that didn't happen, that means it hap No, it didn't. The human brain constructs memory all the time. Most of our memory is stuff that didn't happen. Actually, technically, >> I have to say I I don't want to interrupt your flow, but I just have to say because I'm I'm feeling it and I'm not saying this to make you feel good, But if it does, uh, great. I

mean, you're one of the more intellectually supple people I've ever encountered. I hope that lands because it, you know, I've been around a lot of well-educated people and a lot of practitioners. Everything from former Mr. Olympias to Rick Rubin to David Show. I mean we've I mean Martha Beck I mean who has three degrees from Harvard but talks about spiritual downloads and I have to say like I feel what's missing from Health public health mental health physical health performance you know broadly speaking is this ability to understand how the ancient practices are really of benefit

where the neuroscience and other forms of science can explain it but also So to acknowledge that even where we don't have mechanistic understanding there's value in the practices like if you know I really believe that the healing that everyone wants so badly for themselves and for The world I really believe that most people want that resides in this business of going inward that only we can only do for ourselves and seeing where our [ __ ] is burning it down and unlearning the stuff that makes us uncom kind to ourselves and others and unproductive. You

know, I think one of the dangers in discussions around yoga and and uh these things is some people will think, okay, this is naval gazing. This is all me stuff. This is, you know, You just got to, you know, get out into the world and do stuff. But when we hosted James Hollis, 84y old Yungian analyst, he said there are two things that are critical to a good life of if I may. He said, "Every day you have to shut up." These are his words. He said, "You got to shut up, meaning no whining. Be

grateful. You need to suit up, meaning you need to prepare for your roles in life. And then you need to show up to your roles in Life. But you also need to spend some time getting out of stimulus and response, going inward, and really touching in with what he called your genuine heart's desires." And when he said that, I thought like perfect. This is the the ambition, the doing, the getting things done in life that we have to do because no one wants to be the loser you described earlier. Like no one wants to be

that person. And at the same time, no one wants to be, many people Think they want to be, but nobody wants to be the person that sold the company, got the marriage and the kids, and is miserable because they took a path that wasn't really for them. That they should have done that with someone else. They literally have the wrong no one would say they have the wrong kids but they have the wrong life right and so I think that what you're describing is the roadmap and it involves this going inward and I think that

that the Language around yogic practices for westerners is the separator it's where people brace and they go what are they really talking about here this is this and so as as a practitioner in the west with this eastern mindset woven And how do you bring that to your patients? How do you how do you convince them that this is the path? Because I really believe it is the path and I think it's actually the the most important thing that any of us can do for ourselves. First thing is I don't try to convince anyone of

anything. So convincing is not an objective that I have. So I love research consume a bunch of research. But there's a basic problem with science which is when we do a randomized control trial, we learn about a population. We don't learn about a person. So we can say that SSRIs improve major depressive disorder by about 50% let's say. But if a patient walks into my office, I have no idea if an SSRI is going to help Them. Does that kind of make sense? So there's a basic problem of external validity of all of our science,

all of our medical science. Anyway, I'm not sure about opto or neuroscience, but when you apply it to a person, some stuff works and some stuff doesn't work. So, my focus is on helping like a person. And then the you don't need the woowoo stuff. I think the the the the important thing is like understand your ego. Like That's a fundamental thing that is missing from western psychology, but we all intuitively understand it. This person is egotistical, right? Second thing is like things like perception. Understand your perception. Your perception and you were talking about the

internet. The basic problem with the internet is that it is allowed human beings to no longer live in the same world. This is where AI is even worse. So the More algorithmic you are. So the problem with an algorithm is it shapes your perception. It it be it radicalizes your perception. So an algorithm shows you thing one and then it'll only show you things in that tunnel. Does that kind of make sense? So you go further and further down the tunnel and you were living in a different world than everybody else is living in. AI

is even worse if this is which is why it's really scary. But There's a first case report of really AI induced psychosis in a patient that did not have any history of psychosis. >> How does that even come about? What are they talking to the AI about? >> We can get into that if you want. It's actually really scary, but we know the mechanism. So here's the cool thing about this case report. This person got hospitalized for psychosis was started on an antiscychotic psychosis resolves. They get discharged, stop the the the Antiscychotic, start to use

AI again and become psychotic again. It's really scary. And the basic problem is that AI is so sick of our reality testing of the world requires contrary opinions, right? So like when you're like, "Hey, I have this idea. I want to test throw something by you." And then I say no. >> So how do we know what reality is? Because we have this perception, but this person has this perception. This Person has this perception. So we modulate our perception. Hey, I I I got you a gift. No, you didn't. What? I told you yesterday that

I was going to pick this up. No, you didn't tell me that. So we stay in reality because we get signals from reality. The thing about the the AIs is they're lang language learning models. They don't actually know anything. All they do is scrape the internet. And this is a simplification. I'm not a data Scientist or AI engineer, but here's my understanding because people wanted to build like a Dr. K chatbot. And I try to get into understanding the mechanism. What an AI does is it just says a word and then it pred it tries

to figure out which words are going to make you happy. That's how it knows what's right or wrong. The user satisfaction is the ultimate thing that they're they're going for. So there's a lot of data that shows that literally there's a really Cool paper I can I can send it to you later but that shows that the number of statements that you have the the more sickopantic it becomes and the more paranoid people will become. So, like, you know, there's another case of someone who um murdered their mom and then committed suicide because as they

expressed concerns about their mom, the AI reinforces that and says, "Yeah, you're right. Like, these people are leaving You out, right?" Because it's like trying to make you feel bad, >> why' they kill themselves? >> I don't know the full details of the case. And and this is what's really scary about the AI stuff is like people will say, right? So like a lot of people will make the claim, oh yeah, like if you're mentally unwell and then you use AI. So a lot of AI companies will say it's people who are high risk will

use the AI and it it activates their Delusions. But Andrew, here's what's really scary. In order to make that I don't know if this makes sense, like this is kind of read my mind question, but in order to say only at risk people will become psychotic from AI, what data do you need to make that statement? I think you need people to be harmed by AI to have have that basis. >> Yeah. So in in my mind from a clinical perspective in order to make the claim that AI only makes vulnerable people Psychotic, mentally ill

people psychotic, you need to have your control group, which is people who are not mentally ill. You need to have your intervention group, which is people who are mentally ill. You need to give them an intervention and you need to measure their psychosis at the other end. No AI company I've ever heard of has ever done that. Does that make sense? Like fundamentally, they are not determining ahead of time whether this person is Mentally ill or not. And they don't they're not they're not monitoring psychosis. >> Well, I think the studies that have not been

done, at least not until recently, that needed to be done and desperately need to be done is to evaluate what are the neuroplastic changes that are caused by social media and AI. I mean, these are the the uh digital anvils that we're shaping especially young brains on and now we're surprised like oh you know From 2010 to you know 2025 everyone's been you know progress using progressively more social media online more and oh we got brain rod and oh we and and surprise surprise like well no there's this thing called plasticity that we knew about

it's just we didn't understand how the brain gets modified on these platforms on these algorithms >> and instead we looked that it was like we were so focused on the content but not the the algorithmic underpinnings of The content. >> Excellent. So, so I am convinced there is not great data because it's early but I am convinced that basically because we know this from like basic psychology, right? Like AI is basically like a cult of one. You get indoctrinated in your own thoughts. So whatever you say to the AI is what the AI will tell

you back. >> This is the narcissism. what you described before that the AI becoming more sick of fantic person getting more Paranoid. You know the image that was in my mind? >> What was an eccentric billionaire who can control everything in their environment but is terrified and is controlling of everything because they feel like they're vulnerable if they don't. That's exactly what you describe AI is doing to essentially everyone. >> And and we'll see it also like not only in the in the billionaire. So the and there there there are some cool studies That show

basically like who's at risk. So it's really fascinating what the risk factors are. The amount of usage is huge. Um so the more you use AI, the more likely this is to happen to you. But I I kid you not, I'm really I'm not trying to be alarmist. As a psychiatrist, when someone comes into my office, I ask them, "Do you use meth?" because I'm trying to assess their risk of becoming psychotic based on something that is not like schizophrenia or type One bipolar disease. Now I'm starting to ask people, do you use AI? How

much? So I'll ask them these questions. How much do you use AI? Do you customize the AI to be more effective for what you want? So this is what's really scary is like this is what people call prompt engineering, right? Do you train the AI to give you more effective answers? um do you use the AI for mental health issues? And do you find that the AI's answers are far superior to humans? And these are the these are four of the seven proposed risk factors for like bad outcomes from AI. And the crazy thing is

like this is the use case, right? Like we want people to be using AI more. We the whole point is that AI is better than other people. I'm going to use prompt engineering and I you know in my community there's a lot of mental illness and a lot a lot of mental struggles so a lot of people will use AI and it's really scary that like the use Case is the risk factor and I really think that there's a chance I don't think AI is evil or all bad or anything like that but I I

think we really could be looking at like like 60 years from now we're going to be looking back and we're going to be talking about AI the way that we talk about nicotine and tobacco. I'm letting that sink in. When I think about the algorithm being the thing that shapes the brain, um the analogy that pops to mind is, you know, If I want to change a nervous system, I don't care if it's a rat, cat, monkey, bat, or human. >> I know what you're going to say. Yeah. >> I'm going to spike adrenaline and

I'm going to provide an experience. I mean, these experiments have been done by James McGaw and and others over many years. Like I can give an animal or a person a terrifying experience, give them a beta blocker >> and their memory for what their memory For it will be will be meager if if any. If I don't, they're going to have a very salient memory. It's that one pointedness that you referred to. >> So spiking adrenaline is the opportunity to create plasticity. Turns out so is spiking dopamine. So is spiking acetylcholine. Turns out that there's

this kind of um uh equality to all the neurom modulators. If you can create a high amount of arousal or a unusual state, you can modify the brain for some Period of time. I feel like what was never thought about until recently is that when we scroll social media or we are on the internet, we're getting pulsed like you said earlier, we're getting pulsed with typically norepinephrine, epinephrine, right? And so it makes perfect sense that the plasticity is both for what we're observing, but also for the action of scrolling and going through that the the

the wheel of experience that you Described earlier, the the puppy, the the explosion, the, you know, the political thing, the opportunity to make money, the relationship thing, and then and then repeat. And surely the the platforms knew this. And I don't think they're diabolical in the sense that they wanted to harm humanity. I don't. I think that they are businesses and they wanted to make money. They want to drive engagement. >> So, so many people are don't like what I Say about AI because they like AI >> and and I I'm also with you like

I don't think the platforms are evil. I I think they're just not looking at that dimension, right? So, like no one at an AI company is designing a clinical trial to be run through the FDA to measure like they're just not measuring like safety issues as far as I know like not at the level that we do when we're like looking at pharmarmacology. I think these people are, you know, someone and And I I mean I've worked with so many people who like work at YouTube and and Meta and stuff like that, Twitch, and I

don't think they're like bad evil people. Like this is a big this is a very black or white thinking induced by social media content where like all these these companies are evil or they're totally fine. No, it's like >> Well, I know some of the the founders and and owners of these companies and platforms well and I think they are Benevolent people. >> Absolutely. And I I think a lot of times, you know, they're just like, "Okay, if I'm Instagram res and I'm like a a programmer, a developer there, and someone's like, "Okay, like this

amount of the market share is Tik Tok, how do we bring those Tik Tok users over here?" Right? It's like if I have a a a car, and it's like, "How do I get someone who buys a different kind of car to buy my car?" That's just what business is. I I Don't think they're evil. I I think what they're doing, and this is how humanity works, right? So, is like we invent something and then we figure out afterward that it's harmful. So, I don't think people should stop using AI by any means, but I

think that the health what I'm most concerned about is that the health effects are a lot more causal >> as opposed to uncovering. I think there's like starting to be like some Pretty startling data behind that. So what do you recommend for young men and women or older uh men and women around two things around social media use, AI use and we have to talk about pornography. >> Okay. >> So let's talk about social media use. Do you believe that people should have prescriptions of amount of time, types of interactions they have or won't have?

Um I realize it's hard to create a Blanket statement there. >> No, no, no. It's it's not that it's hard to it's that this is a whole other podcast. So like I've I've studied >> we're definitely going to have to have you back. We've got a lot of conversations. >> So there's so much nuance to this because social media is not uniform in the way that it affects your brain. So right that's the number one thing. >> Um so just just because all drugs of Abuse are in some way dopamineergic does not mean that their

effects are uniform on the brain. So first thing about use of social media. I think a big thing that people miss, so there's some like common stuff that's like just use it less, bro. What's a lot of people miss is the mental state that you are in when you use it determines a lot. >> Right? So if you are feeling bad and you use social media, you are you're primed For salance. You will be programmed more. Right? So so this is where like people who use it as a form of emotional regulation, big problem. Another

interesting thing about social media, when to not use it. So, you know, you require a certain amount of frontal lobe function, executive function, and willpower in order to fall asleep. You need to be able to suppress your impulses in order to be able to go to sleep. Don't use social media before you Go to bed. And the main reason for that is if you use social media to the point where you've missed your sleep window, then it's very hard to fall asleep because now your brain doesn't have enough willpower. And this is what pe what

what happens to people. So there's a really interesting study about procrastination before bed. And what the study found is that there's two kinds of procrastination. There's before bed procrastination. Procrastinating going To bed. And then there's inbed procrastination when you procrastinate going to sleep after you're in bed. So don't use it when you're not feeling good. Don't use it before bed especially because it's going to you're going to miss that window and then it's going to mess you up for the next day. you'll be more emotionally fried, more emotionally vulnerable. >> An hour before bed. >>

Yeah. Just just nowhere near bed. Um There's the blue light stuff, but I think this don't miss your your sleep window. That's been such a useful clinical revelation when I'm working with a human being because if you get past 10:30 and you're on your phone, then it's going to become 12:30 because you no longer have the the frontal lobe function to be able to stop yourself. Um that's the second thing. Third thing is understand that your Brain is how can I say this? You are developing the standards for yourself through social media. So we're seeing

a rise in body dysmorphia. So this was interesting because it used to be that body dysmorphia was like more common in women than men. We're starting to see that even out especially as we have all these like alpha male influencers. what you see is going to be your standard. >> I'll put alpha in air quotes there, >> you know. So, everyone's expectations for what they should be. So, I I went to Germany recently and I had my kids there and we went to like a like a spa and there were like a lot of like

we went in the middle of the day so like we were on vacation but you know everybody else is at school and whatnot. There were a bunch of old German people there and like old German people in swimsuits are like not the most attractive human Beings on the planet and and my kids were like kind of surprised because there's just a lot of like German people who are old. But I I like this is what normal people look like and we've forgotten what normal people look like. We've forgotten what normal is and the more time

that you spend on social media the more you will be divorced from normal. So I'd say those are like the three things. And sure if you want to use it less like use it less. the less You use it, the better off you're going to be. But I'm sure everyone has said that a thousand times. I think what people don't realize is that the impact of it is not always uniform. That your psychological vulnerabilities, and people know this, if you've ever stalked your ex on after they get together with somebody else, like people know what

I mean, right? Like you like your ex is now dating someone else and then you look at their pictures and you like look At all their pictures and you make yourself like kind of feel worse. Don't use it when you're vulnerable. That's huge. I realize that my statement about, you know, alpha males in air quotes, I want to be very specific. Um, not to protect feelings at all because no one I'm about to talk about needs protection for their feelings, but I think there are some incredible male educators and examples online, uh, you know, of

people who are showing up in different aspects Of their life in really spectacular ways. I mean, good friend Jako Willing, for instance, right? I think, uh, he has a ton to offer. my friend Ken Ride out has a ton to offer. You know, um there are many many great examples when the people I was referring to in air quotes or the uh was in reference to this kind of newer trend of looks maxing as as it relates to what you're talking about about this, you know, over obsession in my opinion on on looks and on

um Cosmetic perfection. Uh which I do think is going to be if it's not already very hazardous for young men. the feeling that even just um the idea that variation in looks is is being discouraged that there's sort of this need for everyone to look the same is so very different than how I grew up >> where uh I've feel very fortunate that there was you know kind of a range of different appearances um within the scope of healthy that uh that defined People's unique characteristics and now this looks maxing thing seems to be all

about everyone having like this angle of jaw this cheekbone thing, this type of skin, this type and and that's the part where I go like, "Hey guys, like please don't waste your life. Like this is going to this is a fool's erand. It's going to destroy them." >> Here's what's really scary. So like I'm not a couple's therapist, but I just made a guide to relationships because Everyone in my community is struggling with loneliness. And here's the really scary thing. If you look at the research, looks are not that important for a relationship. So if

you there's some really fascinating studies on charisma. So looks are number six on if you do a multivariate regression analysis actually I don't think it was multivariate but if if you if you look at the factors of charisma looks is number six and and if you look at like The most charismatic people on the planet like no offense but like you know Winston Churchill amazingly charismatic not the most looks maxing guy out there you know >> right >> and so I think the really scary thing is that a lot of this like information on social

media is just wrong it's not based in science at all. Like what we talked about with flirting, people don't realize if if you're flirting with Someone and they don't get it, that's actually fine. That's why you have to make three attempts to flirt with someone statistically and then you should level up like escalate the signal that you're transmitting. Another really interesting data point because I'm excited about this, but um women who are of average attractiveness and high signaling are more likely to end up in a relationship and be approached than women who are very high

attractiveness And low signaling. >> Uh could you define signaling? >> Yeah. Making it known that you're open for a relationship, eye contact, smiling. So this is what people don't understand is like they think like, okay, if I'm hot, things will happen. That's not how it works at all. There's a lot about how to flirt, how to communicate interest, how to be embarrassed, and all of these things are like positive things that people don't Understand. That charisma is about having vision. Because if you're looking for a long-term partner and they're trying to figure out, can I

be with this person? They have to have a sense of your vision of life to see if they fit with you. That's actually way more important than looks. The ability to uh uh handle adversity, huge element of charisma. So someone wants to know if stuff goes south, can I count on you? Way more Important than looks. So the only thing with looks is that in online dating specifically, people will judge based on looks. But there are m numerous studies that show, not numerous actually, one study at least that I've seen that shows that if your

profile indicates purpose, man or woman, it increases your attractiveness. So the problem with all this social media stuff is not that it's wrong. I work with a lot of incelss. I work With a lot of beta males. It's not that they're wrong. It's that they're woefully incomplete. They haven't done a study of the whole literature. Sure, if you're more attractive, it is easier to get dates. Here's the scariest statistic. Drive for muscularity is inversely correlated with length of relationship. Right? So, the more that if you're watching social media and you're like, I need to be

pumped. I want to be pumped. I want to be pumped. I want to be pumped. That's what drives people away. It's hard to have a relationship with with that kind of person. So, by all means, get muscular, but want it less, which is really interesting because what I see is people wanting it more like looks maxing. I want this. I want this. I want this. >> So, depp prioritize it. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. It's so interesting. I mean the The drive and vision thing is um and purpose thing is is so interesting because uh you

know this is one thing where I'm not saying everyone should go into science but in science you you you apprentice yourself to somebody else and then to somebody else as a postoc and then eventually whether or not you get to succeed or not as an independent scientist is entirely based not on what you did that's just proof of an ability right it's based on your vision like is There something exciting and that's what that's what we joke in in science like every year there's a prom prom king and a prom queen on the shop on

the job market and it's the person who has the most interesting and compelling vision. That's who you're hiring and yes, they tend to have been successful in the past. You need that, but that's necessary but not sufficient. It's so important that that you're raising this. Do you think that young men are indeed Falling behind in terms of We hear this all the time that they're falling behind their age match peers that are women in terms of just sort of life progression? >> Oh, absolutely. I mean there's no I I think there's no question of that.

So I I forget if it was 41% of college graduates are are men now. Um so so I I think like the it it's really lopsided. I think in 1975 the average age of marriage for a man was 23.8 and now it's 30.8. It's not average median. So half of the people are actually older than that. for women it was 21.1 to 28.4. >> People will make um financial arguments around that. I I see that a lot. People will say, "Well, it's very expensive to, you know, to be able to raise a family, etc." That's

that's often what you hear, at least in California. People say that they're waiting because they need to establish a certain level of income. Is that is that true? >> Sure. I I mean, I think that's what people are subjectively feeling. 50% of people under the age of adults under the age of 30 live with their parents now. I forget what the the statistic used to be like 20 years ago. So we are absolutely seeing like economic difficulties. So every everything is slowing down right that and but I I think that there is the biggest difference

is as a society men are the one group of people that we expect to help themselves. So if you look at like and and there's like like I'm not I'm not saying women don't deserve help. So, you know, there's some examples of this that I think are not great. So, there are homeless shelters for every gender and then there are homeless shelters for women. There only there are no male only homeless shelters. I think that's a good example of you don't need a male only homeless shelter because that's an example of like women who are

in every All gender homeless shelters are really way more unsafe than if they're on their own. So, like that's an example of like I don't think everything should be equal between all genders. But I think the challenge is that you know if you just talk to men or if you talk about men there are many things that will say okay like the patriarchy is harmful to both men and women fair enough but like what are we going to do society systemically to support the men who are struggling. So there aren't even though only 41% of

people who graduate from college are men there the number of male only scholarships is like really small. So as a society it's really interesting. I think we're we're not really supporting men in the way that we need to. Now, a lot of people will hear this as, "Oh, it is my responsibility as a woman to do things for for my husband or boyfriend or whatever." I don't think it's like women's responsibility. I think that's a Big problem historically that women have been responsible for certain aspects of men. I I think the work that I do

and the work you do, the work we do is to try to help men, women, and everybody else take care of themselves. But I I do think there's there's plenty of data that suggests that, you know, men are falling behind. If you look at rates of addiction, um deaths of despair, this is a really interesting uh scientific measure that came a lot out Of the UK. These are basically deaths that relate to suicide. You know, male suicide rates are four times what women what they are for women. So, it's interesting like now hopefully this is

changing, but when I was in residency, you know, we had women's mental health clinics. We didn't have male mental health clinics. >> Do men in relationships um you know, are they protected from some of the negative effects that you're Describing? >> Oh, this is fascinating. So, do you know what takatubo cardiomyopathy is? Have you heard of this? >> This is when people die of a broken heart. >> Yeah. So, this is what's really fascinating. People don't realize this, but women are far more likely to initiate divorce. So, I think the the interesting statistic about this

is you can look at gay couples. Um, so gay men Who get married have less than a 50% divorce rate. I I think they they get divorced maybe 30% of the time. Lesbian couples have the highest divorce rate. So, they get divorced, I think, something like 60% of the time. So, it's even greater than 50%. So, I did a lot of work on this because I I've had so many patients who when they go through a breakup, like it really ruins their life. And there's research on this, okay? I'm not like Misogynist or anything like

that. So, if you look at qualitative research, if you ask a woman after she goes through a divorce, what did you lose? She will say, I lost a relationship. If you ask a man, what did you lose? They say I I lost a life. So, this is just it's just different. So women will often times form many connections. So when they lose their relationship, they lose a a relationship. But men are by some amount of biology, By some amount of conditioning, by some amount of culture often times will have one emotional support in in their

life, which is their wife. And I've worked with plenty of women for whom this is overwhelming because they become their husband's therapist because their husband doesn't know how to manage their own emotions. That's not good. That's not healthy. But if we're looking at outcomes, the cortisol spike that men get after Divorce is way higher. The amount of inflammation that they experience is way higher. Um I think they have an acute risk of heart attack that elevates. So some of this is probably biology. We're we're just wired differently. Like this is also another thing that's really

interesting. Um the inflammatory response from a cold is greater in men than it is in women. So like when my wife gets sick, she's able to do stuff, but like my inflammatory response is Actually like I'm out. And there's a lot of physiological evidence for why that is. And it may have something to do with if you sort of look at like in the animal kingdom, you know, a male lion is much more likely to fight by baboons, much more likely to get scratches and things like that. So we need a more robust uh um

immune system. So we want a stronger immune response. But yeah, takatuboard cardiomyopathy. I mean the the mortality risk of divorce for a man Is way higher than a woman. >> It's interesting because um and these are individual cases but um not population studies but I've had a lot of young men in and their parents uh reach out to me like my kid is really struggling. he uh you know he's really languishing and he's really falling behind you know he's got these issues that that issues um uh there are all these like loose correlations that I'll

just throw out there I often hear and I'm not saying this is the cause but I'll hear oh yeah you know and even their moms will know sometimes they'll say you know he's he's had some like really serious sexual side effects he was using these uh anti-hair loss meds I wonder is it that they always want to find like what's the one thing that can put them back on track and I'm not a psychiatrist So, I've talked to them before and often times we'll get a sense of what's going on more generally. And I Actually

have noticed that a number of these guys have relationships. They're very close with their girlfriend. They have very kind, loving, supportive girlfriends. And the girlfriends are doing well in life. They're moving forward professionally, but the guy isn't. He's sort of stuck. And that was a surprise to me. I thought they would be totally alone. they'd have no access to to, you know, dating or mates. No, that's not what's happening in in many Cases. They're just they're sort of just stuck. They can't seem to find a profession. They can't seem to get ahead. They're and and

they've got these very kind, very, very patient girlfriends that are sitting it out with them for I don't know how long. Uh I don't know if they'll stick around, but that seems more and more common. So they can find the relationship but they can't seem to launch into into being a grown man frankly. >> Yeah. So I I think um first of all that was me. So uh you know when I it took me 5 and a half years to graduate from college. I graduated with a 2.4 GPA and then I started med school at

28. I couldn't support myself financially until I started residency at the age of 32. My wife started working at 16 and has never stopped. And so there was a period of like five years where like what was I doing? I had a research assistant Position at Harvard, but I was basically applying to medical school. And so like I was going nowhere real fast and she stuck it out with me, which is quite amazing. Like I'm I'm still surprised by her and her lack of pressure and also her like supreme confidence that I was going to

figure it out. Um so I've been in in in those shoes and I I think the big thing for me was I figured out how I worked and so you know we we had this picture failure to launch which is a lot Of what I deal with. These are gifted kids who then hit a wall like I did. So had a lot of potential just never really comes to it. They struggle a lot with things like discipline, motivation. I I think often times they will look for some kind of solution, right? Because we as human

beings, we don't realize that most of life is multiffactorial that if you do a multivariate regression analysis, you're not going to find that it was the hair loss meds. A and so this Is where we kind of come back to the road map where I I think the most important thing and I I I've I've helped anywhere between hundreds to millions whether you consider YouTube or not. And the main thing is they don't know how they work. See men are not taught to understand. They're taught to do. like we we're like you know do this

thing like get a job do this and and women have all kinds of expectations have babies um and work and do Everything all you know exceptionally well but but I I I think we're just not taught how to understand ourselves. So the biggest thing that I see is not a problem of treatment but is a problem of misdiagnosis. And one of the things that you learn, I think people don't really realize this, but like most of medicine is not treatment. Like I don't think treatment is usually the hard part. I think the diagnosis is the

hard part. Understanding really what's wrong. Uh just as another example of this, I've worked with so many people, young men, who are like, I'm so tired. How do I increase my energy? How do I increase my energy? And what they don't realize is like if you think about tiredness, tiredness is a signal from the brain. Tiredness is not always low energy. Tiredness is your brain's way of telling you that this is not worth doing. And the interesting thing is there are a Lot of things that we do need to do that we will feel tired

for. But the real solution to that is sometimes is to force yourself to do it and kind of get yourself out of it. Um, you know, there are some studies that show that exercise is equally effective to an SSRI. So, there's a value to that. But I think what a lot of people are missing is their conception of the thing is what's making them tired. >> You know, if you think about something That you haven't done before and you're like, "Oh my god, I have to do this thing." And then when you do it, you're

like, "Oh, it's not that bad." And then you procrastinate on doing the thing even though it's actually pretty easy to do. So changing your understanding of what you are tired to do is the fastest way to be able to do it. But the problem is we don't teach men what's going on inside them, right? We don't teach them about their Emotions. We don't teach them about motivation. Um and so when I when I focus on that, that's really what I focus on doing. There's a you know an old Sanskrit sentiment that avidya which means ignorance

is the source of duka which is suffering. All of your suffering in life has nothing to do with willpower, motivation or anything that it's all a lack of understanding. And the more I've worked the more I've Realized that the most powerful thing that you can give yourself is understanding. Even if I if I were to ask you you know like the things that are easy for you are the things that you understand. and before you understood them, they were hard. As someone who's lazy, like understanding what motivates you is actually more important than discipline or

willpower. for me anyway. I'm a Degenerate, you know, and I think this is what what a lot of these young men who failure to thrive, like I had one patient who, you know, was 31 years old, struggled with addiction, drop out, you know, two years later, not only has is he finishing um therapy school, he's becoming a therapist, so he's supporting himself, making about 150k a year. He's also writing a dystopian novel. Two years uh two years later, he messaged me it had been published, right? and and And it's like understanding why he behaved the

way that he did. And the more that you understand how the system works, then you can make minor adjustments and you can make it work. A car is really hard to move if you're not driving it and you don't know how to turn it on. I totally agree. uh and I think that the false message that many people have received is and that we hear all the time is that a focus on self trying to understand the self is really Just um indulgent uh focus on one's emotions. It's the like me culture naval gazing but

that's not what you're talking about. You're talking about doing the work of addressing what parts of you are ego, what do you really want? um doing a shiny meditation like learning to access the void so that you can really see the difference between who you really are and what's coming at you from the outside so you can so you can steer. I Mean, that's what I'm hearing. And I think that the the challenge is that I don't think that there's a language for this exploring of self that makes it very clear from the outset in

two sentences that it's not about just being a victim, not about just feeling one's feelings so that you can justify Yeah. >> everything as a trauma, right? And I do think there's trauma out there. I think There are a lot of traumatized people. I also think that, you know, we've left now the diagnosis of trauma in the in the beholder. Like everyone's decided that they're traumatized by this and that and and it's created this other form of trauma which is that people are are fundamentally weak and the people with real trauma probably aren't getting the

treatment they need and deserve. So, you know, I it's interesting that we keep coming back to men and and boys and The way that they're suffering. Do this is probably a good opportunity to talk about pornography. Um, do you recommend that young males just not look at pornography? >> I think the majority of people report no problems from watching pornography. So, you know, some people will say it's healthy. I don't know that it's healthy or not. I think it's like the way that you use it, just like any other addictive substance. So, I don't think

It is all bad. That being said, there are a couple of things that are really problematic. Um, the first is that pornography is getting more neuroscientifically engaging. Here's the scariest like statistic about addiction. So 5% of people under the age of 30 had erectile dysfunction maybe like 20 30 years ago. That number has climbed to like 20%. And a lot of that erectile dysfunction, if you define what erectile dysfunction is, it is inability to Maintain an erection through the completion of the sexual act. So it's not that a lot of people think that this means

they can't get hard. It's not that they can't get it hard. They can get an erection. It's just they can't achieve orgasm or climax. So, I I think we're seeing a lot of problems with pornography. We're seeing a lot of very young people having erectile dysfunction, being unable to achieve climax through penetrative intercourse. It's affecting the brain a lot more. So, the colors are brighter, things are jigglier, things are bouncier. There's virtual reality 8K, 4K. The bigger problem that I'm seeing um or the scarier problem is pornography used to be something of passive consumption. So

the porn is over there and I'm over here. There's no emotional connection. There's no parasocial relationship. The really scary thing is with the things things like Only Fans now the person That you're watching pornography for is interacting with you. They're saying thank you. They're appreciating you. you're asking them and then they're sending you a picture or making a video just for you. So, I'm seeing a lot more scary parasocial relationships develop. I'm seeing emotional affairs. So, now like we've added a dimension of our brain, the empathic circuit, the social circuits, the relationship circuits are now

starting to activate with Pornography. So, that's like a whole different ballgame. And then there's a lot of data just about ease of access and things like that. I think pornography addiction, you know, it's interesting. A very uh strong risk factor is preubescent exposure to pornography. >> Young young kids are majority of people actually get exposed to their first pornography now before they hit puberty. But there's something about when when You get exposed to pornography when your brain is developing before puberty, it increases your risk factor for it increases the risk of developing addiction later in

life. So there is something just special about sex and the way that it affects our brain. You know, we're talking about salience and things like that. We've basically evolved this whole thing to procreate. So when we get visual stimuli, when we get auditory stimuli, you know, it turns our brain on In certain in in a very profound way. Um we see a lot of emotional suppression. So what a lot of people don't realize, I work with a lot of people who struggle with pornography. It really the emotional regulation component is huge. They're not horny. It's

not necessarily a lot of masturbation, which is what a lot of people assume. Um, often times it's like second screen kind of stuff. It's watching pornography like when you use the restroom and just like you're Not doing you're not jerking off or anything. You're just like watching porn. >> So sort of a like a numbing out type of activity. >> Absolutely. Right. So this is key thing to remember is in order for something to be addictive, it needs two things. It needs to give us pleasure and it needs to take away pain. And as we

see addiction Over time, it shifts away from pleasure into taking away pain. When we Become dependent on something is when we we require it to numb ourselves. So, I think we're also seeing more pornography because life for everybody, young people and young men, is getting harder. So, as we become more socially isolated, as we it's harder to find a girlfriend, um as we get indoctrinated by social media, as we become delusional because of social media, as our social skills atrophy, you know, like all of these things are Happening, it's pretty bleak picture. It is bleak

and and I think the reason it's bleak is because we haven't been fighting back in a very focused way. So, uh, you know, part of the reason I I've focused so much on relationships, um, because I'm not a coup's therapist, but like what I found is that in my patients, I could only do so much without give like having them have a relationship. >> Like you can be depressed, you can be Anxious, but if you have a solid relationship, that is one of the most important things. Like some point I really started focusing on this.

This was like like literally I was down the street or you know on the opposite side of town filming a guide about like what is the science behind arousal activation? How do you flirt? Like these are the skills like like how do we help people? I think it's like giving them the skills that we used to Learn organically. Do you think that a lot of the attention on, you know, muscle building, on looks maxing is actually just a safer um discussion for young males? Like they can talk about that. They can talk about, you know,

trying to get body fat percentages or they're doing like mewing for their jaw or something, you know, like like I think nasal breathing can be very helpful, but this the whole thing of looks maxing is so insane to me. But Maybe it's a way of talking about wanting to be different because the conversation about sex, about intimacy, about maybe someone has issues with porn or or erectile issues. Maybe that's just like so scary that they have to that it it's kind of a way of them getting close to the topic but not really in the

topics because when people have approached me uh and said, "Hey man, can you help me out? I'm I'm really having problems." They're not talking to me About what I just described. They're they're talking about not knowing which career to have, but then they're asking me about how to work out and then they're it's sort of it's almost like they're they're kind of I have a feeling there's a lot more going on. >> Yeah. So, here's what I'd say. One of the great things I learned as a psychiatrist. The best way to run away from an

unsolvable problem is to solve something Else. So, I think you're absolutely right. There's a displacement because I don't even know where to start with how to flirt. But you know what? I can control. Like, here's the the thing about looks maxing. There's no other humans involved. There's no possibility. Like, getting somebody else to fall in love with [ __ ] me. Like, that's so hard. I don't even know where to start. I don't even like myself. How am I Supposed to get somebody else to fall in love with me? When I look in the mirror,

I see disgust. I cannot fathom or tolerate the idea of going on a date and having this person look at this. So, I'm going to transform myself. I'm going to solve all of those problems by solving one problem. I'm going to turn if I can just do this one thing. I'm going to take a multivariate regression analysis and hyperfocus on One variable. I'm gonna do a very interesting selection bias and cognitive bias, cognitive filtering of ignoring all of the beautiful people who are still single or divorced. And the other huge cognitive bias that I'm going

to do when I go to a playground and I see lots of kids running around and I look at the parents of those kids, they're averagel looking, right? Most people who have relationships look average like Statistically that's how it works. But the mind does not know how to grab the problem is too big. Where do I start? Do I learn how to flirt? I'm creepy. How do I learn how to flirt? How do I learn how to flirt without getting rejected? I'm tired of getting rejected. I don't want to get rejected. It hurts to get

rejected. It proves all of my insecurities about myself. And that's just flirting. So if you talk to these people a lot of Times what you'll get is anytime you tell them to move forward what they'll say is but how do I solve the next thing that doesn't account for this even if I looks smack it doesn't do this it doesn't do this it doesn't do this and that's why like the more that they they they go into looks maxing because there's this idea that if you're beautiful right and this is some really interesting theory of

mind when they look at the people that they're Attracted to in their mind if someone's a 10 out of 10 I date them in a heartbeat and if I date them, someone would date me. >> So, I think this looks maxing thing is like a really great way of displacing all of our terrifying, overwhelming feelings of how do I get another human being to accept me? It's way more complicated. The good news is that I think we can actually figure it out. Like I don't know how many research Studies are published, but I was blown

away. Did you know that half the studies on charisma are published in religious studies journals? It's fascinating. There's so much science out there. Like we know so many things. We literally know like how people fall in love. We know that one of the reasons that it's harder to fall in love is because the feeling of being in love, you know that feeling of like just seeing someone and like you feel amazing and like just Their presence makes you feel amazing. Floods your brain with dopamine. So, as our dopamine system gets messed up by social media,

it has literally become neurochemically harder to fall in love. So, now when I have patients, I tell them, "Go for a walk for 1 hour before you go on a date and stay off of any technology." >> Love that. >> Literally, your neuroscientific capacity to fall in love is increased. May I ask What you think about this? I'm a big fan lately of boring breaks in order to stay on task for things like writing, uh, podcast research, etc. I find that if breaks between cognitive tasks, which are demanding, if those breaks are too engaging, that

it makes it much much harder to re-engage in hard work, which I love hard work, but I also experience some of the friction going into a bout of work. >> Yeah. So, what most people do on their Breaks is exhausting, literally, right? So, if you spend time on social media, your brain will be more tired at the end of the break. So boredom is great. There's a lot of stuff around yoga and boredom and focusing the mind and and and things like that. But yeah, I'm I'm with you 100%. So people don't understand what's happening

to them. They don't understand also like how to make people fall in love with you. Like and I don't mean that that's The wrong phrase, but so human beings have been falling in love since the dawn of humanity, like literally. And there are certain circumstances that lead to that. There's a cool study that I cite over and over and over again. They had couples go on a date on a stone bridge or a rickety wooden bridge. And the the couples that were on the rickety wooden bridge formed a stronger emotional bond. People don't realize that

forming an emotional bond depends on shared Emotional experience. So we have to feel the same thing. This is such a problem in rehab. My biggest problem when I'm running a rehab as an attending is like people keep falling in love. Like we're trying really hard like don't fall in love, don't fall. These two are getting together. All the nursing staff is aware. They went to their rooms overnight. Like this is happening like you know we're like don't no love and no in in rehab. But it happens over and Over again because everyone is sharing. Trauma

bonding is what people call it now. But when you share an emotional experience with someone else that is what fosters love. But nowadays what happens is like dating is like interviews. Everyone's making judgments on each other from based on a profile. None of those things actually correlate with the relationship success, whether you're six feet, how much money you make, doesn't correlate with I mean, I'm sure maybe correlates on some level, but if you look at the big variables, it's not any of that stuff. And if you think about like how you fell in love with

your girlfriend, how I fell in love, like I was I was going to be a monk. I told my girlfriend, I didn't know we were dating. I didn't even ask her out on a date. I was just like, "Hey, you want to grab food sometime?" I was going to be a monk. And then I even told her I was like, "Hey, I'm going to Be I'm going to be a monk. Like this is a temporary thing." And she's like, "Yeah, whatever." >> Seven years later, you're back from India. >> Oh, no. Well, so I I

would come back back and forth. But >> um so we like data during that time. And the cool thing is like, you know, as an educator, right? Like it's amazing if you teach someone how something works and like love is like not that Complicated actually >> if given the right environment internal and external >> environment. Yeah. Yeah. >> Yeah. I'm not trying to be academic about it but what you described about an hour off social media before going on a date. I think that's terrific advice to people. I think that um that this idea that

our nervous systems are somehow able to pivot from one sensory experience to the next without the Previous sensory experience completely either contaminating or supporting what comes next is so obvious in the case of you get a great night's sleep, you wake up, the next morning you feel great. You get a terrible night's sleep, the next morning you feel terrible. Everyone understands that. But people can't understand the idea of dopamine depletion or just over arousal and then going into the next thing that should be arousing and it's like under arousing. And I'm not even talking about

sex here. I'm talking about social interaction. >> So when I was looking at the mechanisms of this, I realized why going on a movie is a great first date. You know, people like back when we were growing up, people would go on movies on first dates, right? And everyone's like, "Why would you go on a movie for a first date? You're not even talking or getting to know the other person." Well, it turns out that movies create shared Emotional experiences, which is why people organically figured out that you can go to a movie and it'll

actually it's a great first date. But I I I I think, you know, things do seem bleak, but I think we've got the tools to reverse it. So I I think the cool thing is we do have all of this information. And so like we we know how to how to how to be charming, how to flirt, what are the situations that you need to create in order to foster interactions, uh Foster a relationship, foster emotional connection. Um you know, what makes you charismatic, what makes you attractive? Things like humor and kindness are incredibly important.

Humor is a a huge signal that signals both intelligence because if you can make someone laugh, you can read them. And so it's also a signal of empathy >> and ability like does this person get me? If they can make you laugh that means that they get you. >> And and the last thing that I'll kind of mention is that we were talking about how you know the internet is like people live in different worlds on the internet. And the really scary thing I I made a great YouTube video that was kind of controversial but

why why women prefer beta males. And the really interesting thing is a lot of people were really upset by it. It was about this drive for muscularity and some of the scientific research. But the really Interesting thing was the male versus female response to the video that women were like, "Yeah, this guy's right. We're actually like these super alpha guys are like not actually like like not attractive. Like I I would run for the hills." And then a lot of dudes were like, "Oh, this guy's like he doesn't know what he's talking about." So it's

really interesting. Part of what makes it so hard is not only do we have these like effects from pornography and Atrophy of the social circuits of our brain, but then we're also like we just have bad information. And in my experience, once you get good information, I'm sure this is true of you too, right? Like once you get good information and once you start applying it, once you start practicing it, you'd be amazed at how much understanding a system can give you mastery over it. >> Oh, absolutely. I mean, I I can't claim It in

the domains that you're so proficient in, but I'll never forget as an undergraduate working in a sleep laboratory over a summer at Stanford and every afternoon the entire laboratory would go outside to watch the sunset. And I asked I I'll never forget I asked Sein Nishino. I asked you know Emanuel Mol I these guys discovered the genes that underly narcolepsy and they that druggable targets now exist that drugs exist to treat but at the time they said Oh we do this to entrain our circadian rhythm and you need to watch the sunrise so you need

to see sun within the first hours of your day this was um mid 90s and I remember thinking like how could that be and I started reading about it and the the cells that regulate this had not yet been discovered that was in the early 2000s like we didn't even know retinal neurons mediated this but these guys knew this from their own lives and their own practices and and I started Realizing oh there's a mechanism here and there as more became that got discovered it's like this changes mood mental health metabolism I we now just

all take this for granted but understanding the mechanism behind something tremendously empowered >> and I share that story because that wasn't but you know 25 years ago or so what that means is that the things that we think are kind of out there now that are a little bit woo or a lot woo, I Guarantee in 10 years we're going to understand the mechanisms. They'll be called something different or similar or maybe the same and people will be putting that to work and it's going to improve mental health in in a major way. In other

words, the science catches up eventually, but the practices that work need to be talked about. And that's why I again I'm so grateful that you're willing to go there. I >> I think the reason there's skepticism so I'm a Raiki healer. I'm a crystal healer. I learned blackflower remedies and I don't talk about any of that stuff because I think there's no basis for it. Like maybe the energy healer but like so I've studied all kinds of things but I think the reason that people are so skeptical is because there's so much BS out there.

So the reason I leaned into yoga and meditation are first of actually primarily because of certain Personal experiences I had but those have the best evidence behind them and I think the real challenge right now so the reason I do it this way is because if you look at some of the really powerful techniques from meditation people can't wait like at least the people I work with they can't wait 20 years to elucidate the mechanisms you know when we're talking about sulpa and yoga nidra so you can get all the autonomic stuff, great. You can

get some Neuroscience stuff, maybe, right? That's kind of iffy. We don't really know. But then some of this other stuff, like I I think if people are not achieving what they want, what I encourage them to do is explore and be skeptical. Like don't just believe it, but try it. Right? So like like if you're doing cardiac coherence breathing, that's naughty should be, right? Alternate nostril breathing. You know, do it regularly the way that you Were taught and then do it for eight seconds for the inhalation, 32 seconds for the hold and 16 seconds for

the exhalation because 16 >> alternating nostrils. >> Yeah. Alternating nostrils. >> Can I just insert one thing? Some people will hear alternating nostril breathing of plugging uh nostril then the other and they'll go, "Oh my god, this is crazy." We had the guy who works on all faction and frankly breathing because The two go hand in hand. um Nome Soil and he explained that every 90 minutes around the clock there's a switch in the dominant nostril through which we breathe. You can observe this even if you have a deviated septum one will be more air

will flow more readily than to the other and it's the alternation of parasympathetic dominant and sympathetic dominant breathing through the autonomic nervous system and so he's a physiologist and when he said that I Thought okay this alternate nostril breathing thing like for so many years frankly I heard about this from the yoga community I thought like all right this seems a little wacky and here he's sitting exactly where you were where you are now excuse me and he said yeah there's absolutely absolutely a physiological basis for this. When you breathe through one nostril, you get

a very different effect on the autonom nervous system than you do through the Other nostril. And this is constantly alternating even if you're not plugging your nostril every 90 minutes from birth until death. There were certain things I would find in the yogic texts and then I I ran into this exact thing where there's I think they call it an altradian rhythm, >> right? That's that oh this is like a physiologic thing. And so I leaned towards the practices that were physiologically Sound that there was some evidence for it because I was like, I'm not

going to waste my time and like nothing's going to happen. I'm going to do the stuff that at least I'll get a physiologic benefit. And then as you go into advanced practices, like it's wild. And the really scary thing is that in my mind there's a lot of this stuff is like scientifically valid, but it's really hard to study. And then the really scary thing, the thing that bothers me the Most is that I think there's a lot of stuff that's true that is not scientifically valid. I I I really think it's kind of like

beyond what science is capable of measuring um at least now and in in the foreseeable future. >> Spirituality. >> Spirituality. And I think the simple simplest example of this is a thought. We have no scientific evidence of a thought. The only reason that we know that the amygdala is where we feel anxiety for is because we measure what was going on in the amydala and then we asked the person, "What are you feeling when this part of your brain lights up?" >> Well, you may be encouraged to learn that um the great Anna LMK, my

colleague at Stanford, right? An MD and psychiatrist like you who wrote Dopamine Nation has a booking, amazing work. She's an amazing woman at the level of Clinician, human being, just all around and such a pioneer. She's if you look back she's been 5 to 10 years ahead of everybody else in terms of her uh her understanding and beliefs about where we're going visav the neuroscience impact of social media etc. She has a book that's coming out later this year um on spirituality. M so serious scientists and clinicians like yourself, like Anna are starting to go

there before we have the ratc monkey bat then Clinical trial and human uh work done. >> So what I I love about spirituality personally, it scares me and it frustrates me, but what I like about it is it's the only scientific exploration that no one can do for you. So what what I love about it, so I I like learning. I'm not really like a researcher, but I'm a very like clinically oriented scientist, I guess you could say, or scienceoriented clinician. And it's it's the one thing that you can never like an Experience of Shuna

like we can you can you can look at like the brain scan of Shuna potentially, but to experience it to figure it out, you have to be the scientist. It is the only kind of subjective experience which is what spirituality is really about is attaining certain states is not something that is ever transmissible and that's why people are hesitant to talk about because we sound like crazy people you know it's like if I mentioned this Technique can give you insight in your past lives like what this guy is insane but here's the struggle that I

had meditating one day and then you have these memories you have you have memories but they're not from this life. And then it's like you're like, "What the hell is that?" And I'm not even saying that past lives exist. I want to be really clear about that. But for me, it was confusing. It's like really like destabilizing for your Understanding of like what the world is, >> especially as a psychiatrist. >> Well, I wasn't a psychiatrist back then. >> And and and so then then it's like, okay, well, like now we have to figure this

out. So if if people are like interested in scientific exploration, you know, I think one of the sad things about the world is like we've explored the surface, we figured it out, but but within every single one of us is a dimension of exploration that only you Can do. You know, do you think when we're talking about samscara, sulpa, the unconscious parts of your our mind, these liinal states of consciousness, we can hear Andrew talk about it, but if you want to like be there, you have to go there. No one can go there for

you. And that's ultimately what I think is like really cool about it. >> Man, you are one of a kind, I have to say. And I also have to say there's so many Things that we didn't cover but that I would love to have you back to cover at some point soon. But I just want to say you're you're really one of a kind. I I've been you know kind of peppering our conversation with this from time to time but uh again the the degree and the depth to which you're able to think about the

practical concerns that people have the the real problems the real challenges that they face right now. and then offer tools that are grounded in Neuroscience, psychiatry, psychology, and also ancient practices um is just it's spectacular. I'm I have to say this is one of my favorite conversations I've ever had on or off the podcast. I'm I'm totally lit up by it and um so grateful for what you do. You're you're an amazing public educator and I just >> I can't thank you enough for coming to talk about these topics and I know that there's lots

more that we could talk about and we will. Yeah. Um, I really Want to extend my gratitude. It's it's been an amazing thing to hear you touch into these things and to offer practical tools about ego disillusion, about distress tolerance, to make that, you know, operational awareness to really define what that is, to talk about um unlearning is such a critical component of our health. The shiny meditation uh example and and I was able to get moments of it during that instruction even though it was the first time I've Ever done it. Um so many

people are going to benefit from this and I really want to encourage them to try these practices to explore just as you said there's really no uh there's really no substitute for that self-exloration just thank you >> thank you for having me you know Andrew I got to say you are also one of a kind. I feel like you could still go. I'm I'm wiped. >> I mean I I got more hours in if we need To but I want to be fair to our audience and to you. No, I mean I mean I I

I I I can see that you've got more hours than you and and it's it's it's interesting. You know, I felt that gravity the moment you came into the room, but yeah, I mean you're you're really energetic. Um and and so it's been it's been awesome being here and and thank you so much. >> Thank you. Well, the energy is only partially intrinsic. It's also the Consequence of of what you offered today and uh again this has been thrilling. So please come back again. >> Sure. Thank you for joining me for today's discussion with Dr.

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