this video is sponsored by Skillshare click the link in the description for more information being someone who pleases people sounds on the face of it like a very good idea but it's a pattern of behavior riddled with problems as much for the perpetrator as for their audience the people pleaser is someone who might at times be oneself who feels they have no option but to mold themselves to the expectations of others and yet harbors all manner of secret and appoints dangerous reservations and resentments they act like the perfect lover when their real feelings are much
darker they give their assent to plans they hate and they confuse everyone around them by failing to express in due time with the requisite courage their authentic needs and ambitions putting it bluntly we could say that the people pleaser is a liar it sounds brutal but the people pleaser is lying for poignant reasons not in order to gain advantage but because they are terrified of the displeasure of others to understand and potentially sympathise with the people pleaser we need to look at that past which almost invariably involves an early experience of being around people usually
a mother or father who seemed to be radically and terrifyingly incapable of accepting and forgiving certain necessary but perhaps tricky facts about their child perhaps our father flew into volcanic rage at any sign of disagreement to present an opposing political idea to suggest we wanted something different to eat to be frank about our tiredness or anxiety all these could threaten us with annihilation to survive we needed to be acutely responsive to what others expected us to do and say the very question of what we might really want became secondary to an infinitely more important priority
manically second-guessing the desires of those on whom at that time our lives depended we didn't always lie out of fear it was also often out love for someone we were profoundly attached to but who was vulnerable in some way we lied at a belonging not to set off another marital Rao a desire to keep a depressive parent in a good mood and to avoid adding a further burden to what seemed like an already very difficult or sad life who were we to make things even more complicated for a fragile person we cared for however understandable
the origins of our behavior in the more reflexive moments of adulthood we might find three paths out from these difficult patterns of people pleasing the first relies on reminding ourselves that our colleagues partners and friends are almost certainly very different from the people around whom our anxieties evolved in childhood most humans can cope quite well with a bit of contradiction a dose of unwelcome information or an occasional rejection delivered with requisite politeness the other is not going to explode or dissolve we learned a very particular habit of relating to the world around a group of
people who were not representative of humanity as a whole secondly we need to acknowledge the inadvertently harmful side effects of our behavior we may genuinely have good intentions but we are endangering everyone by not speaking more frankly at work we aren't doing anyone a service by withholding our doubts and reservations and in love there is no kindness in staying in a relationship simply because it seems the other might not survive without us they will but we will have wasted a lot of their time through our sentimentality finally we can acquire the confidence to be artful
about the difficult messages we have to impart as a child we couldn't new us the messages we wanted to send out we didn't know how to craft our raw pain and needs into convincing explanations but now it's open to us to be firm in our views but extremely genial as well we can say no while indicating that we feel a lot of goodwill we can say someone is wrong without implying that they are an idiot we can leave someone while ensuring they realize how much a relationship meant to us we can in other words be
pleasant without being people pleasers we partnered with Skillshare today as it is a fantastic starting point for anyone also looking to learn new skills and they have given us an amazing offer to pass on to you the first 500 people to sign up using the link in the description will receive a two-month free trial if you haven't heard of Skillshare before it's home to thousands of classes in graphic design animation web development music photography design and more you can start learning how to do just about anything in two months you could easily learn the skills
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