Hello friends and welcome back to Scaling Stories. Today we have a post from the relationship subreddit. It was posted by Dr Mcpuffy on November 23rd, 2015.
And the title of the post was, "My husband is insisting that we impregnate his friend after finding I'm unable to conceive. I am honestly in a bit of shock after everything that has transpired in the past 24 hours and needs some unbiased opinions to get me through. " A little background.
My significant other, 32 male, and I, 32 female, have been married for four years and together for seven. He is a civil engineer who is more ambivalent about his career. His real passion lies in his hobbies, our relationship, and his friends.
I am an emergency medicine doctor and this is my passion. I love my husband, my friends, and I have hobbies, but my work is my absolute passion. Becoming a doctor was my dream since I was 12 and I have made it a reality.
Now, my issue. About 14 months ago, my husband was pushing me to get pregnant. He wanted a baby.
I honestly did not. I was finally hitting my stride at work. We had just bought our first condo together and weren't living a very kid-friendly life.
I did not tell him this, mostly because I was a coward and we had never really disagreed before. So, I kept my mouth shut and decided it wouldn't be a huge sacrifice to have a baby. I could make it work.
We got pregnant. I was miserable. Pregnancy did not suit me and I wanted it to be over.
I felt disconnected from everything, especially my pregnancy and sought out therapy. My therapist told me that I was holding resentment against this baby as I was in a great spot in my career and was more worried about that than my unborn child. She was right.
I worked on this and by month six, I was really excited to have this baby. My husband and I were in a better place. My resentment and attitude really hurt our relationship during this time.
Everything was going well until it wasn't. Around 7 months in, our baby was born as a stillbirth and I had some horrible complications which have caused my chances of ever getting pregnant to be an incredibly low percent. I know that I am never getting pregnant.
After the initial shock, recovering from the physical trauma and the emotional trauma, I won't lie, but I felt relieved, massive relief. I didn't want to be a mother then, and I will down the road, but I'm a firm believer that this was just not meant to be. My husband took this harder, but with some therapy on both our ends, we seemed to be in a good spot until last night.
Last night, my husband approached me. He said that he really wants us to have a kid and forgives me for losing our son. He knows that I cannot conceive, but reminded me that he is more than capable.
I had to remind him that we have no options. If we want a baby, then we need to look into adoption or getting donated eggs and going the surrogacy route. And right now, we aren't in a financial position for either.
Then he asked, "What if there was another way? " Naturally, I asked what. He told me that there was a woman at work whom he has known for several years.
Apparently, she knows about all of our marital problems and knows all about my health issues over the past year. He said that they recently went to drinks together. I was on an overnight shift, and after a few drinks, she offered to not only donate eggs, but to be our surrogate.
This seems too good to be true, right? Yep. She will only do this if my husband impregnates her the natural way.
Having sex with her during her ovulation period until she gets pregnant. I was baffled by this. First, he was considering it and seemed genuinely excited for this.
Second, that this woman would offer such a thing without ever having met me. And finally, that he had shared such intimate details with her. He said that he then followed up with her when they were both sober via text, and she responded, "Oh, I would love to have your baby.
This seems odd to me and I questioned the mental stability of this woman. But then my husband's entire demeanor shocks me. I told him I wasn't sure about this.
If we go the surrogate route, I would prefer it be all anonymous and our surrogate be a stranger. I don't want this getting messy or having to worry about running into the egg donor. Instead of seeing the validity of my opinions, he told me that having a baby with him was non-negotiable.
That this friend wants to help us. he wouldn't mind doing it her way and it would be the most costefficient since we just discussed how we cannot afford it at this time. He told me that if I love him and want a baby, then I will do this for him.
I tried to explain to him that I'm not sure if I'm ready for this and that I don't know if I'm comfortable with all of this, especially with him sleeping with someone else. He brushed that off, telling me that it is no big deal if he were to sleep with her and that I'm overreacting, that he has stood by while I got my dream and he was left alone/ ignored. I never knew he felt this way and that I owed it to him to let him do this.
Today, I looked up this woman on Facebook and she is very attractive. I would say that my husband and I are both looking, but she's definitely striking, which makes my anxiety go even higher. Why do this for us?
I don't get what she gets out of this. Am I overreacting? This seems completely bizarre to me and I am questioning everything in our relationship.
What should I do? Scaling stories corner. I have such a disgusting feeling in my stomach from reading that for so many different reasons.
First off, I call cap on the husband. There's no way that is just a friend from work. I think he's probably engaged in at least an emotional affair, if not a physical one.
Like, what do you mean she knows all the intimate details of OP's relationship and specifically all her health problems? That's not common knowledge that's supposed to be talked about, and I believe any sane person would understand that. Like, is he just venting to her and giving his friend a playbyplay of their marriage with no strings attached?
Nah, I don't believe that. Also, just who out there after hearing you've lost your baby would pipe up and be like, "Oh my god, I would love to have your baby. " It is honestly just so disturbing that they would do that to OP after she experienced loss like that.
And also, I would have been pissed off when the husband said he forgives her for losing their child. Like, excuse me, does he mean she had a choice in the matter? He's so inconsiderate and heartless toward his wife's feelings, and I think OP is better off divorcing him.
Now, here are some comments from the original post with OP's response. Commenter one says, "Are you sure she's not already pregnant? " OP says, "I don't think she is.
" He told me that they mapped out her cycles and insinuated that I could help figure out when is best for her and that we could aim for a January insemination date so that we could have a fall baby. There's no way that if she's already pregnant, assuming 6 plus weeks, they could fool me with a fall baby. Commenter 2 says, "This is so gross and inappropriate.
" OP says, "It is. The fact that he has had conversations with her about her ovulation cycles, which we didn't even talk about when we were trying to conceive, is grossly inappropriate. That didn't even hit me until I started reading some of the comments.
" Commenter 3 says, "Everything about this is very, very weird. Also, the last time someone posted a story like this where her husband suddenly was very insistent that a friend of his be a surrogate, it turned out that he was cheating with the friend and she was already pregnant. Not to be overly cynical, but this sounds suspicious.
OP says, "It's unbelievably weird. I feel like I'm living in an awful lifetime movie right now and have no idea what to do. " You're right.
It's suspicious. Incredibly so. I'm worried about the cheating thing and maybe her wanting her own baby, but why even approach me then?
I just don't know how to handle this going forward with him. Commenter 4 says, "This situation has come up here before. Almost always the husband was already sleeping with the other woman.
Even if he has not, he is incredibly cruel and you owe him squat. " OP says, "I just f this is absolutely awful. If he is cheating with her, then I am 100% done immediately.
If not, I am pretty sure I am still done because all these comments are really helping me see that this is the absolute effing weirdest thing ever and my husband is being a complete D. Update 6 days later. Thank you to everyone who commented on my last post and to those who PM me.
This is long. I spoke with my husband on Tuesday after he got home from work and before I had to leave for work. I explained to him that even though I do want kids down the road, I would not be comfortable with his friend being our surrogate and that this would not change for me ever.
All of it made me uncomfortable and honestly made me question his fidelity. He was shocked by this. His exact words were, "Are you saying that I cheated on you?
" I laid it out for him, pointing out a lot of things that were pointed out to me in my original post and stated that even if he hadn't yet physically cheated, he emotionally cheated. He said that he did have an emotional connection with her, but beyond that, nothing else. I asked him if they had sex, kiss, or anything sexual at all.
He was baffled that I would even think this and adamant that he did not have any sexual contact with her. He reiterated that he loves me and I am the only one he wants. The whole idea of this was because he wanted to give us a family and help repair the loss.
This was just a way to do that and he never saw it as cheating because it would be something we would both agree to. I told him that isn't true because he emotionally manipulated me or tried to into going along with it. I told him I needed to know what their relationship was like.
He admitted that over the past year, even while I was pregnant, he confided in her about my obvious lack of interest in the pregnancy, my disdain toward motherhood, his fear of me hating our baby, and the issues that persisted in our relationship. Apparently, she was shocked that I would feel this way toward a baby. She told him that she has only ever wanted to be a mother.
Since then, they have only gotten closer, but he denies it has ever gotten physical or that he felt any romantic inclinations toward her. He said that the surrogacy was completely her idea, and she has been hinting at it for weeks, telling him how she would carry our baby for us, how he deserves to be a dad, but he informed her that we did not have any frozen eggs, so our options were egg donation or adoption, which we couldn't afford. No problem.
She suggested using her eggs, which is how the plan took shape. He said that they could do artificial insemination, but she said she didn't want medical records of this and natural insemination would keep costs down. I asked him what the f he was thinking, talking to her about stuff like this and thinking that this was okay.
He looked like a deer caught in the headlights. I asked him how he would feel if I did this. If he was the infertile one and I had an attractive doctor friend knock me up with no strings attached at his suggestion, how would he feel?
He had nothing to say to this. I told him that I felt absolutely betrayed by all of this. Clearly, she has some sort of mental health problems and an unhealthy attachment to my husband, but beyond that, his relationship with her is inappropriate.
He said, "Obviously, I shared too much. No crap. " I told him that I am upset that he forgave me for the loss of our baby, which I had no control over, and that he used that to emotionally manipulate me.
He apologized for that, saying he never meant it to come out like that and in no way blames me. After that, everything calmed down, but I told him I needed some space from him for a bit. He asked if our marriage was over.
I told him I didn't think so, but this has been a really emotionally turbulent few days, and I need to process it. He told me that he does not want our marriage to be over if this was something I was considering, that he loves me more than anything, and cannot bear to lose me over this. He said that losing our baby was devastating and has made him depressed, confused, and angry, but he does not want to lose me at all.
I told him he should have thought about that before planning to stick his D in crazy. Not my finest moment. I told him that if he wants to keep open communication, he needs to cut ties with her.
Obviously, he works with her, but nothing beyond whatever work they have to have. He needs to go to individual counseling and come to at least one counseling session with me per week. Before he left, he changed his phone number, blocked her on Facebook, and deactivated it.
He told me that he would give me access to whatever I wanted to see that the relationship is severed and that it was nothing more than what he has told me. His parting words were, "I just wanted to build a family with you. " Which absolutely gutted me.
Wednesday afternoon, I checked his email. There was nothing. Nothing in the deleted bin or recover deleted items bin in Outlook.
Facebook was hard to look at. There were a lot of chat messages between the two of them spanning the last 8 months since he added her on Facebook. Overall, his messages were friendly.
A few times he was flirty but never sexual or what I would consider too much for what should be friends, but hers were pretty clear in her meaning. The messages are clear. She's making some kind of play for him.
I took screenshots of all the conversations. Don't worry, I triple checked for any deleted messages, hidden apps, or other messaging services. I have his iPad, so I was able to look at the messages on there.
They appear to delete every 30 days, which left me with that to look at. Overall, all the texts and chats line up with his story, but the whole exchange about the logistics makes me sick. She talks about making the baby as though it's a date, that she doesn't want it to be sterile or feel like she's being used.
Her comments were inappropriate, but he never stopped her or corrected her. She even insulted me several times when he expressed concern about how I would feel, saying things like, "She's cold-hearted and maybe you should just do this on your own so you don't have to worry about her rejecting the baby. " He didn't really stand up for me, but said that he didn't think I would do that.
It was all very hard to read, but I feel better about my decision overall. We didn't really speak on Wednesday. He checked in a few times, but I let him know that we would talk Thursday.
Thursday morning, he let me know that he turned in his letter of resignation Wednesday morning. He hasn't heard from her, but doesn't intend to seek her out to say goodbye either. He apologized.
He just thought he was doing the right thing and thought this would make me happy. I still feel extremely betrayed. He is still dealing with the loss and other things.
We both agreed that our communication has really deteriorated in the past year and that we need to fix this. So, no lawyer, no gym, just therapy for us. Scaling stories corner.
Wow. Just wow. Part of me is shocked that she stayed with him.
I think if I were in that situation, I would be way more emotional, especially after discovering the trash talking texts about me and how he should go through with the baby plan in secrecy. Like, there's no way I believe the husband is that stupid. He had to have known at some capacity that something wasn't right.
I feel like he backtracked really hard because of OP's reaction, and he was super scared of a divorce because he doesn't get to have his cake and eat it too that way. He went nuclear on cutting ties with his coworker, even quitting his job. So, I don't know.
I accept if I'm wrong about the situation, and he really is that clumsy, but I highly suspect his excuses, and he's unbelievably lucky OP wanted to work it out. Now, here are some of the top comments along with comments from the update post with OP's response. Commenter one says, "She talks about making the baby as though it's a date, that she doesn't want it to be sterile or feel like she's being used.
This is so disturbing. So her consolation prize is a hot f essentially. She shot down artificial insemination because she doesn't get to sleep with your husband and get an orgasm out of it.
He said that they could do artificial insemination, but she said she didn't want medical records of this and natural insemination would keep costs down. Why not have medical records of it? Sounds like she wanted leverage and the option to keep the baby or claim she wasn't an intended surrogate mother.
Using a turkey bastard to conceive works and also keeps the cost down. This woman is so full of BS. She was likely planning to use the gestation time to win your husband over as the mother of his child and hoping he'd leave you.
It's sad your husband wanted to go along with her wacky plans and didn't see her true motivations under the surface. The miscarriage has left you both vulnerable and with therapy, you definitely have a chance at undoing the damage to your relationship. Commenter 2 says, "Geez, I still don't think he understands exactly how badly he messed up, but hopefully he realizes it in therapy.
I read your last post and I'm really surprised he was willing to do all the right things to fix this. If he really is that committed to working things out, there might be hope, and I'm glad you are giving it a try. Even if he doesn't understand the depth of the betrayal against you, hopefully he understands how wrong it was to do everything he did and said.
Hopefully, you can come to some sort of agreement and peace about your future. Best of luck to both of you. OP says, "I think he talked about it with his brother who was probably like, "Bro, this is absolutely the worst idea you have ever had and she's probably going to drop some divorce documents on you immediately because when we did talk, he mentioned that he thought about this a lot and realized how awful it all sounded after he left.
" When we spoke Thursday and in the days since, he seems more aware of how bad this was on his side. Commenter 3 says, "OP, I'm so glad he realized the error of his ways regarding this woman, and he's doing very concrete things to make this right, but it feels like the bottom line is that he pushed you into having children before you were ready. Is that from severe baby fever or self-absorption?
" I guess I'm wondering if his basically ignoring your career dreams and reproductive timetable, blaming your miscarriage on your attitude, and then ignoring this woman's obvious scheming, have a common route that he needs to work on in therapy. OP says, "The first time, I think he had baby fever. His two closest friends had just become dads, and I theorized that he felt left out.
We were a good age for having kids, had good careers, and were working on financial stability. It seemed right to him. I wasn't ready.
didn't feel that we were ready financially. Just bought a condo, owe money in student loans that I want to pay down as much as possible before kids, want to travel a bit to take on a baby. But I didn't tell him that, which I think is where a lot of our problems started.
He didn't ignore me. I didn't speak up. He has always been super supportive of my career, but I guess he feels that a lot of the time I put it in front of him.
And he wouldn't be wrong. This is something I need to work on because going to work for two days and questioning if my marriage was going to survive made me realize that work is not above my marriage. We clarified a bit on the attitude.
He doesn't really blame me, but it was easy to direct his anger at someone rather than just have it bottled up. We need to work on this. Comment four says, "Consider adoption.
" OP says, "In a few years, maybe either that or getting an egg donor and doing the surrogate thing. I want kids and it's completely possible for us to have multiple, but I'm just not ready.
