[Music] in our journey through life we often encounter a persistent sometimes harsh critic that resides within our own minds this internal voice can challenge our self-esteem question our decisions and cast doubt on our abilities today we are here to explore strategies and insights into how we can quiet this critical voice enabling us to lead more confident peaceful and fulfilling lives leading the way on this journey we are speaking to Dr CLA Hayes a clinical psychologist specializing in cognitive behavioral therapy her journey in this field began with pioneering research in 1988 exploring how people cope with
stress with over 38 years of experience as a clinical psychologist lecturer author and educator Claire has honed her expertise and stress management coping mechanisms prevention and resilience she's also a prolific writer on Stress Management and a regular contributor to Irish National media including television radio and national press Claire's fourth book choose well is a valuable resource in the field of Stress Management and resilience I am thrilled to welcome her for the first time to the tapping World Summit Claire welcome thank you so much Jessica I'm really trilled delighted and honor to be here thank you
we are as well you know before we dive into learning about the critical voice I'm curious you have two master's degrees a PhD you specialize in stress and resilience why is tapping something that you decided to incorporate into your practice because it works that's why I as simple as that I read a book years ago called the taping cure and I remember the first sentence was something like this seems wacky but and as I read it I thought it does seem wacky but then I used it there was something that was really bothering me a
lot at that time and I did a tapping exercise on it and I just felt a huge instant sense of relief so then I began to incorporate it into my work and it is 38 years but it's 38 years combined because otherwise I'd have trained when I was was very young but I began to introduce it to my clients and I was always hesitant Jessica to be honest you know I would say look you know I'd like to try this and see and then I developed it into what I call CBT tapping cognitive B with
therapy tapping thoughts feelings actions and the feedback over and over from my clients is you know this works I don't know what you just did but it works so that's that's really why I do it and I love it and soon after I read the book I came across the work that yourself and Nick and your team have been doing and I mean I'm so thrilled and a bit a bit oh I don't know dis in disbelief to be hear you interviewing me because I've purchased so many of your world Summit programs for years and
years and years and I've learned so much from all of the people that you've interviewed so um yeah so it's really surreal actually but I'm delighted that's a wonderful kind of Full Circle and yes I want to just take a moment to share my gratitude to you and my gratitude to so many other therapists cuz I hear again and again when I ask people oh where did you hear about tapping it's therapists it's like one of the top answers and um I just think it's so beautiful that therapists are learning it because they have their
own skill set so they can take this tool and really magnify people's results with their expertise so I'd love to ask you you know CBT therapy is very well known but for those who are new to it what is CBT therapy and how have you used tapping to support that work okay it's a great question I came my background is in elementary teaching Primary School teaching and two years into my teaching career I started doing psychology studying psychology to be a better teacher so when I first came across CBT cognitive for thoughts behavioral therapy the
ideas are so simple I was really shocked and I thought number one how calm I'd never heard of these before and number two why don't we teach these long long long before someone has severe difficulties to help them develop coping skills and resources rather than wait until they have very severe difficulties and then teach it because CBT is very much a teaching program so that's been my question my passion since 1988 and I I just love it so my practice is very much a psycho educational approach so teaching the basic skills of CBT and I
do that using tap and I do it using imagery and I've developed a very simple way of explaining CBT using a three-step process I've called the coping triangle and and I just love it so very simply how we think and what we do affects how we feel and it's as simple as that so a lot of people including myself we might focus on how we're feeling feeling worried we're feeling unhappy and we might want to feel better but the more we notice that we're not feeling good the worse we feel and then we start to
judge ourselves and then we compare ourselves and so on so if we very simply look at I'm feeling this way what am I thinking and this is I know what we're going to be talking about today but we can have a lot of very very critical thoughts I should have I have to I must and these thoughts can really trigger us to feel worse and then if so I use it an inverse triangle that's what I'm doing doing with my hand so thoughts feelings action so then if we look at our action what are we
doing and a lot of times we do things to make ourselves feel better but that backfires so if someone has a tendency to feel anxious they might avoid situations that make them feel anxious or they think will make their feel anxious or they might check or we might eat two much sugar or some people go to alcohol or pleasing or rescuing or whatever it is that makes us feel better that's what we do but the the snag is that that only works excuse me for a short period of time and then we're into a vicious
cycle so CBT helps break that cycle helps separate out I'm feeling this I'm thinking this this is what I'm doing and it's all driven by an underlying belief core belief or beliefs usually around I'm not good enough or nobody understands me or we can't trust anyone belief that go back when very little so I absolutely love it as a way of working Jessica yeah and I love that we're going to have an experience here together and the topic is the critical voice so I want to start by asking you what is the critical voice and
why is it something that so many of us struggle with I I I love that you've invited me to talk about this because I think I'm the words expert and based on my own experience a number of years ago when I began to tune into my crial voice I was really shocked and I thought oh my gosh if I spoke to anyone else the way I speak to myself I'd be locked up so I've gone to lots of courses done lots of training read lots of books over the years on really sorting out my inner
voice my crucial voice and I now got to the point where I recognize it in a very different way than I did in the beginning when be first became aware of it I used to feel really cross with this voice telling me I wasn't good enough and I'd feel pressured this is the CBT the feelings feel pressured with this voice telling me I had to do more I had to do more had to do more and now I've come to think of it as a voice in my head that actually it's doing its very very
best to protect me that's it and I'm thinking of in terms of like bodyguard that's just there to keep me safe and the the movie Invictus on Nelson Mandela Morgan Freeman at the start of the film walks out onto football stadium and he shakes hands with the players and the Nel Mandela's bodyguards are right beside and they're watching and and then as they walk back in Nela Mandela goes into the ators and shakes hands and you can see the frustration on the bodyguards because their job is to keep him safe if he gets hurt they're
going to get into trouble so as I begun to reflect on my own critical voice in that way I suddenly developed a sense of compassion for it it's like oh well there you are again oh and I've begun to separate out those thoughts those nasty critical harsh Thoughts From Myself and I've begun to first of all tune into them but recognize them as separate from me and then I've be being able to deal with them to manage them in a different way and that's I'd love to to share how I do that with you yes
please so what what's the very first step when we're addressing this voice I think the very first step is to catch fil to really listen because I I you probably have this experience dress I said have had of being somewhere and there's being there's a noise behind and I don't know what it is and it's buzzing and it's annoying and then I suddenly realize oh the fan is on or the radio is on or or people speaking outside and sometimes I have the ability to control that situation turn off the radio if it's annoying me
but sometimes I don't if I'm in a cinema for instance and there are people making noise behind it can be bo really annoying very very very frustrating but if I look behind and I see it's two 16-year-olds on their first day pigling then then I have a different reaction and then I might go ah CH isn't that cute and then suddenly the noise isn't bothering me anymore in the same way so I think the first step with the critical voice is to really recognize it to pay attention to it to hear it a you're trying
to tell me something so that's the prpose so it seems like we're listening to it in a new way because if we're listening to it surface level it's annoying it's like you're not good enough don't do that you're never going to make it but if you listen closer you start to hear I'm just scared and I'm trying to keep you safe EXA I love you I'm here for you yes that changes a lot but like you said compassion it's so hard to be compassionate when we're not looking at the intentions of people of this voice
and so I love that knowledge and still sometimes we need more because we logically hear okay he's trying to help us and we're like okay Dr Hayes but this is really loud and annoying and I'm trying to love it and welcome it but it's still driving me crazy yes how do use tapping to support us okay well if we think of this in two parts so the first is to catch it so we can do tapping on that if you like and then we can do tapping on how to manage it how to do it
perfect let's go for it great so this is to myself first of all my own frustration annoyance about that inner voice again so that's what so even though even though I have this voice that's driving me crackers I have this voice that's driving me crackers I choose to love and accept myself I choose to love and accept myself even I'm a switching hand actually even though it's so hard for me to love and accept myself even though it's so hard for me to love and accept myself because of this voice putting me down because of
this voice putting me down I love and accept myself I love and accept myself even though I'm not sure how to love and accept myself even though I'm not sure how to love and accept myself when I have this crial voice telling me I'm not good enough when I have this critical voice telling me I'm not good enough I love and accept myself I love and accept myself oh my gosh oh my gosh I have this critical voice I have this critical voice it very very loud it it's very very loud and sometimes it upsets
me and sometimes it upsets me and sometimes I even believe what it says and sometimes I even believe what it says and I feel awful when I hear it and I feel awful when I hear it and I think I'm just not good at it and I think I'm just not good enough and I try to drown it out and I try to drown it out or I try to stand up to it or I try to stand up to it and sometimes I simply believe it and sometimes I simply believe it so what would
it be like so what would it be like if I could recognize my critical voice if I could recognize my critical voice as something that's trying to help me as something that's trying to help me what would it be like what would it be like if I could hear the desperation behind my critical voice if I could hear the desperation behind my critical voice that it just wants to keep me safe that it just wants to keep me safe it just wants me to do my best it just wants me to do my best it
just wants me to be recognized and valued by others it just wants me to be recognized and valued by others it doesn't want me to make make a mistake it doesn't want me to make a mistake it doesn't want me to get into trouble it doesn't want me to get into trouble I wonder could I do that I wonder could I do that I'm not too sure sometimes I'm not too sure sometimes because my critical voice can be very loud because my critical voice can be very loud with what I do know for sure but
what I do know for sure is I am more than my crystal wife that I am more than my critical voice I am more than how my critical voice makes me feel I am more than how my critical voice makes me feel I am more than all of the thoughts in my head I am more than all the thoughts in my head when my critical voice is screaming when my critical voice is screaming I am more than all of my beliefs about my critical voice I am more than all of my beliefs about my critical
voice I am more than my actions I am more than my actions I am so much more I am so much more so I choose so I choose to turn down my cisal voice to turn down my critical voice I choose to mute it I choose to mute it I choose to deal with it I choose to deal with it I choose to listen to what it's saying I choose to listen to what it's saying and only take what's true and only take what's true and most of all and most of all from now from
now forever forever for the rest of my life for the rest of my life for every moment of every day for every moment of every day of every week of every month of every year of every week of every every month of every year I choose to love and accept myself I choose to love and accept myself I choose to love and accept myself I choose to love and accept myself I choose to love and accept myself I choose to love and accept myself thank you for that experience you're so can you tell me a
bit about the power of saying I am more than like I am more than this voice and my thoughts absolutely I started to use that in my work Jessica um a few years ago because I found that when we separate out the thoughts feelings actions they can be overwhelming and the truth is we are more and we're so much more we're more than how we feel we're more than our to thoughts were're more than our beliefs we're more than our actions we're more than our circumstances we're more than other people's opinions off us were more
than our disappointments were so much more and I find that that for me is a very powerful reminder and it grounds me and I'm doing some work with um High School secondary school with over 1,000 students and we've called the program n slow which is Irish on more and really looking at that we are so much more so I love incorporating that into the tapping as well yeah the very first time that I did tapping and I said those words I love myself I love and accept myself it's like they got caught in my throat
like I couldn't just saying that was so difficult and brought up tears and and I mentioned that for those who hear those that word and struggle with it that you don't fully have to believe it in the moment it's like just saying that and tapping is opening the door to it and becoming more comfortable with it and the other distin distinction I've made with the loving myself that helped one time a friend said to me I don't always like myself but I love myself I always love myself and I like that idea because you know
if I speak unkind if I get like irritable I'm hungry I snap at my kid for some reason maybe I don't like that action but I still love myself yes and it really ties deeply with that you're more yes than the actions and the thoughts but it it it also fits in with the crstal voice because it could be a voice saying oh you love yourself you know as a as a put oh you're so full of yourself oh so right that's where I I think I came automatically when we were doing that tapping to
and and accept myself as a as a counter reaction to that but a lots of times I use Trier with the students I choose to give myself every chance and I love using the words I choose so for someone who's struggling with the I love and accept myself I choose to love and accept myself is incredibly powerful not I have to or I master I wish I could I choose to and then once they tap I choose to love and accept myself it's like setting us on a journey where we're on that journey and the
the example I use sometimes is if we're going to go on a um Journey on the plane in an airplane we have a few jobs to do so one is to turn up at the airport to have chosen our flight or destination to paint for our flight to get through security and to get on the plane but our job is not to fly the plane someone else is paid to do that so if we have those critical thoughts I have to a sh I must I can't all of those pressurizing thoughts they're bringing us down
a certain route and if we have I choose to I choose to take care of myself I choose to love and accept myself I choose to give myself every chance that's bringing us down a different route and just like we sit in the plane and we don't need to know how the pirate is doing it I I firmly believe we don't need to figure it out we just literally think those thoughts we might ourselves of them reinforce them maybe by singing you know to the children if Mary had a little lamb I choose to take
care of myself I choose to give myself every chance I choose to stand oh this is a part how to deal with it I choose to stand up to my un critic I choose to make friends with those critical boyss I choose to have fun with them I choose to play with them yeah before we move to the next tapping round which I'm very excited about something that you said to me when we first had a conversation about this topic that really stuck with me is how the critical voice and these habits that we have
are things that we picked up as children because they worked so playing small kept us safe being quiet might have kept us safe um not let not letting ourselves have any high expectations around anything can you tell us about how something could have actually served us and as we become adults it be the very thing that saved us as kids can hurt us as adults absolutely well just as as you just said Jesse you said it very very well children who were brought up in maybe um a family that's quite volatile they that child might
learn height to keep themselves small and it works or a child who wants to be very very very good and never get into trouble that works but it backfires as an adult and those of us you know in this helping business um working to support other people I teach what I need to learn and one of the lessons is being able to recognize my own tendency to feel better by helping someone else and that's great and that's wonderful except if it comes at the cost of giving giving giving something I don't have whether it's time
or energy or expertise or so so saying yes yes yes as a little girl was a very helpful way for me but saying yes yes yes as an adult woman sometimes isn't so we recognize that our patterns there's nothing wrong with them and it's just literally that's what we learned to do when we were little because it worked and the same with people who might have you know maybe a tendency to turn to sugar if they're feeling unhappy well they would have done that probably because it was a time where that worked and even now
you know the the initial hit might work but then the shame and the embarrassment and the failure and the guilt and all kicks in so our behaviors as adults and this is the action part of the CBT can that F yes it makes sense so what's the next step so we just kind of welcomed our critical voice we befriended it we realized we're more than this voice what's next well I like tree so we could put it listen to it in but I'm going to skip that because anyone who has a Chris always knows what
it's saying so we don't have to listen to it so I think dealing with it standing up to it and thinking of you know the body idea and we had Joe Biden in President Joe Biden in arience last year and it was the same thing on our national news program it showed his bodyguards arriving in front of him with big cars they got out they were on their phones they were worried and then he came out and very pleasantly shook hands with lots of people and he wasn't doing what they wanted him to do so
I was picturing a conversation with one of those bodyguards back to his family his partner his mother his daughter son the president all duties told he won't on behav you but the president is the president n Mandela was n Mandela if he wanted to speak to the spectators of course he could so dealing with the Chrisco voice taking our power back going yes okay but you know what I'm more than you standing up to you so one of the ways that we can do that is having fun so sometimes I might suggest to someone to
think of someone who no matter what that person says his or her opinion will never count ever ever ever ever and it might be someone who wasn't a friend in school or it might be a politician nationally or internationally or it might be someone who's a movie star but if that person was to walk in and say to you right now Jess I don't like your hair you go okay that's your opinion my anoran rester used to say she was wonderful thank you for your opinion that's your opinion but she wouldn't take it so that's
your opinion so standing up to the crial voice going I'm not afraid of you I hear you I think you're telling me this because you want to keep me small or safe or protected but you know what I'm actually more than you so oh I'm going to mute you or I'm going to turn you into something that makes me laugh so if you have or if I have an an image of or in a Critic as really scary well maybe putting sunglasses and a bikini on it or it may linking it so it's tiny so
once we laugh once we go you know what you're not is scary you know are picturing this huge huge huge big scary voice coming out of microphone and it's scary and then we look behind and there's a tiny tiny scared little three-year-old child who's going I just wanted you to pay attention to me I just wanted you to listen so I I just love there are so many different ways we can have Swan rather than blaming ourselves because we have critical thoughts in our head which everybody does and rather than being them believing them and
acting on them and being ashamed of them and being frightened by them acknowledging yes I have these but I can deal with them I can manage them yes I love that distinction because often we just want to you know tap it away or ignore it or or if we hear the critical voice we think oh my gosh I have done all this self-help work and I've read all these books and I've taken these seminars and I still hear that voice and what you're saying is that voice might always be there yes but it doesn't mean
we need to listen to it and I think that's a really great distinction so that we don't feel like we're always falling short like it's okay to have that voice and take it as like one advisor out of 10 of like let me consider that I don't think that's going to happen move to the next thought so I love that approach I'd love to do some tapping um and bring in this humor as you say perfect well this time I'm suggesting that we tap directly to the inner critic or the in and what did you
call it you had a different word critical to in in yeah or critical voice okay so whatever we want to call it so in our critic critical thoughts critical voice we tap directly to this okay okay so even though even though you're back again you're back again and you're annoying me a lot and you're annoying me a lot I choose to remember I choose to remember that I am charge that I am in charge that I am in charge inner critic inner critic you are driving me mad you are driving me mad and I choose
to enjoy and I choose to enjoy being more than you being more than you so inner critic inner critic this is my time this is my time to stand up to you to stand up to you hello inner CRI hello inner critic hello critical thoughts hello critical thoughts I hear you I hear you I know you're trying to get my attention I know you're trying to get my attention I know you think I should be doing things differently I know you think I should be doing things differently I know you're worried I'm I might get
into trouble I know you're worried that I might get into trouble I know you're really trying to protect me I know you're really trying to protect me but you're just too loud but you're just too loud and you're upsetting me and you're upsetting me and you're distracting me and you're distracting me and I just don't like you being so loud and I just don't like you being so loud so what should it be like Crystal TOS so what would it be like crytical thoughts critical thoughts if you quieten down if you quiet quieted down if
I put you on mute if I put you on mute if you just went and had a nap if you just went and had a nap and gave me some moments of peace and give me some moments of peace I'm not sure if you're going to do that I'm not sure if you're going to do that because sometimes I think you enjoy torturing me because sometimes I think you enjoy torturing me but I would like to remind you but I would like to remind you that I am in charge that I am in charge so
even though I feel frustrated when I hear you so even though I feel frustrated when I hear you I am in charge I am in charge even though I feel a upset when you attack me even though I feel upset when you attack me I am in charge I am in charge even though sometimes I believe what you tell me even though sometimes I believe what you tell me I am in charge I am in charge even though sometimes I think un terrible to have these thoughts even though sometimes I think I'm terrible to have
these thoughts I am in charge I am in charge so critical thoughts so critical thoughts even though sometimes I listen to you too much even though sometimes I listen to you too much even though sometimes I give you too much attention even though sometimes I give you too much attention I would really like you to remember I would really like you to remember that I am in charge that I am in charge so thank you Chrisco TOs so thank you critical thoughts thank you for doing your best to keep me safe thank you for doing
your best to keep me safe thank you for doing your best to protect me thank you for doing your best to protect me and now it's time for you to have a nap and now it's time for you to have a nap and let me get on with my day and let me get on with my day and have lots of moments of peace and contentment and have lots of moments of peace and contentment so I enjoy so I enjoy being more than my critical thoughts being more than my critical thoughts I enjoy standing up
to my critical thoughts I enjoy standing up to my critical thoughts I enjoy giving myself every chance I enjoy giving myself every chance I enjoy dealing really well with my crystal thoughts I enjoy dealing really well with my critical thoughts thank you for that experience I invite everyone who's watching to really check in with how you feel and I find too that when you tap you get these insights it's almost like with traditional meditation they're always like clear your mind and I feel like with tapping it's clear your mind to listen sometimes we get those
ideas and that Clarity and um as I was tapping two things came up one I feel like I had to do a lot of tapping with for my critical voice for a long time and now just with all the tapping I've built such a great relationship with it that when I hear my critical voice I immediately say to myself Jess honey this is what you do when you're scared and the moment I can just be like this is what you do when you're scared and so it's not about listening to that voice but it's about
comforting yourself and letting the power go of that voice it's so it's so powerful and the other thing that came up which is so Random is I remembered this girl I haven't thought of this for so long I remembered this girl in high school who would always tease me I didn't have that much money to buy like nice clothes and I would wear these pairs of this pair of jean that I jeans that I saved up money for and I would wear them all the time and she like criticized me and made fun of me
that I would always be wearing these jeans doctor I mean I have not thought of this for so long but the way she criticized me was like oh sometimes my critical voice sounds like that and it makes me think how our critical voice can often be made up you know but but then I think there's another aspect where it could be the way a parent criticized us a way a kid in school criticized us and we somehow took that in and now that voice you know it contributed to that internal Voice have you found that
to true oh that's so true and if you think of it it makes so much sense so if we have this voice to treat ourselves badly and to keep us you know safe or well then we're protecting Or the critical thoughts think they're protecting us from other people's criticism yes MH yes I used to think that if I could be mean enough to myself it would protect me from someone else being mean like if I could put myself down enough then when someone else would put me down it wouldn't hurt as much and all you
do is end up staying down on the floor you know and it works the opposite as well I remember meeting someone who I immediately felt very very very and uncomfortable and anxious and I proceed this person as being incredibly critical of Le and as I was doing what I would have done then take it personally and worry about it and a new thought popped into my head oh my gosh she must be so hard on herself and as I thought that thought it was like suddenly I stopped taking her criticism personally and it was the
first time I really realized that any of us who are very self-critical who might come across as critical to others actually are way more critical towards ourselves and that was definitely the case with this lady and once I realized that then I was able to feel compassion towards her and we were able to look at yeah she was not just me she was critical about so many different things in her life but when when I was able to help her start and take a pause and stand back and look at her own self-criticism then things
changed it's so true that we're always meaner to ourselves than anyone else and I think that is a wonderful thought to say to think if you're this mean to me I can only imagine how mean you are in your own mind yes um I love that because it does open up to a sense of compassion and most of us who are acting out everyone's just hurting you know it's there's always something underneath the critical voice which you know for me it pops up when I'm nervous or I'm scared and so I know the emotional trigger
and I could be like okay I gotta this is what I do I need to comfort myself um but yes so many so many people are acting this way not out of a you know natural evil in them but a pain and that's such a beautiful reminder when we look at other people and we look at ourselves of maybe what I need more more than anything else is love and comfort yeah that's perfect don't anything else could say it any better so what can we do I mean we've done so much where can we go
from here I I think it's allowing ourselves to have the critical voice and separating ourselves out from it and not not not being ashamed of it not draging it around and being able to let it go sometimes and I love what you said Jessica about when you're tired that you know if you're upset you recognize that's what you do and and for me it's exactly the same when I'm tired hungry upset that's when I'm even more self-critical and just recognizing that and if I can maybe share something with you that that I experienced two weeks
ago that just really made a big difference to me in lots and lots of ways I I got out of my car and I was going across to to a building to look for something and as I got out a huge big black dog who's very friendly jumped onto my leg and he put his two legs two front legs around my K and he held on and as I was walking he hoed along behind me and he he didn't let go it was quite a distance so um and I tried to get him off and
he wouldn't go and we hopped so as soon as I arrived at the building he let go and I I and I went in and then when I came out he was waiting for me and he immediately latched on again and again I couldn't get him down so I started to walk and he hopped and I was conscious of he was very heavy and a new thought popped into my head so this is what clinging feels like and she let go it was like he heard my thoughts he let go and I turned and looked
at him and he was standing with his four LS on the ground with his tail wagging and I was really struck by what have I been Clinging On to either people in my life or in my past who perceive me as clinging or maybe I was clinging and how sing it is so I go and I know the phrase let go and you know the importance of letting go but i' never experienced it in that that way before so with our our internal Voice or in a Critic if we have a a an image of
it doing its best to pull us back keep us in our box keep us small and we're just turning around and cutting it or saying it's okay it's all right you know I'm I'm in charge here I can do it so whatever works for anyone who's listening I would really encourage them to do it but with a sense of lightess there's no shame embarrassment about having this internal voice it's part of part of being right what advice do you have for someone who um does the tapping on the critical voice and oftentimes what happens is
we take a certain amount of action right it the critical voice tends for most of us not everyone just to keep us very small it makes our world very small and then we decide I'm going to tap I'm going to take some action I'm going to do something new I'm going to say maybe no to an engagement because I'm prioritizing myself and I want to do something else and the moment we take that action The Voice kind of zooms back in right so it's like we got rid of it a little bit and then we're
like oh I feel uncomfortable I just said no I'm doing something different that uncomfortable feeling when we begin to expand our world and not listen to our critical voice it's almost like stage two it can kind of Zoom back in yes um what are your thoughts around that I would if if I was looking for an assistant you'd get the [Laughter] job you explain it so well I'm I'm now encouraging people in privileged to work with to feel bad and they they kind of look at me in amazement because the way they're feeling good isn't
working so say someone with OCD obsessive compulsive disorder they're Feeling Good by checking and checking and checking or washing their hands or whatever it is their behavior is but it's not actually healthy for them so I'm encouraging them to do the opposite of that and then they feel bad so welcoming that they feel bad and one of my books was about the welcoming approach welcoming that as as a sign that oh I'm changing Pathways here I'm taking my power back some teenagers who might feel Under Pressure that they have to experiment whether it's with alcohol
or drugs or vaping or what whatever it is they do that because in the moment they feel better with their peers if they said no they would feel different and odd so deliberately allowing themselves feel uncomfortable while recognizing and maybe saying well and choosing to take care of myself or I'm choosing to keep myself healthy for my sport realizing that if they do that more likely than not there will be a reaction from the other people because they don't want or won't want someone in their company who's making them feel bad if somebody is an
alcoholic and gets treatment the wisdom is that that person doesn't continue going out with their old friends because the Temptation is to to go back drinking again the old friends will not want someone who's there drinking a soda it would be no I want you in so then that we feel good so deliberately allowing ourselves feeling bad is is so important and I I've had personal experience of that during Co I signed up to do some courses with Sue Jones an American lady who's developed Timbo trauma in fall and mindfulness breathing and Sue's written a
wonderful book called there is nothing to fix so it's it's for women so I did lots and lots of different groups and in one of them on in one of the little boxes on Zoom somebody talked about feeling bad about about hating feeling guilty and I had one of those aha moments where I suddenly realized I've begun to really enjoy the fact that I feel guilty which sounds bizarre because for me not to feel guilty is to say yes yes yes yes I do of course I went yes but as soon as I say no
I feel guilty automatically but now I realize it's healthier for me to feel guilty because I've said no if it means I'm taking care of myself and not a resp stretching then saying yes yes yes yes I'm being an absolute danger to myself and others promising something I I just physically cannot deliver and the big irony of our emotions is that the moment we're like I'm okay with feeling guilty it's not as big it's like the guilt is really big when we don't want to feel it and we don't like it and then it grows
but when we're like yeah yes okay like I do I feel a little guilty I let them down but I really need to take care of myself today it's like you feel it but it doesn't really stick around or get as big than when we're feeling in any way but just mad at ourselves or resistant to the experience and and if I can share something else on that people say trust your feelings I don't and I love working with people with anxiety and and and helping people understand anxiety and using CBT the thoughts feelings actions
so our feelings of anxiety are physiolog iCal sick feeling in her stomach cmy hands sweaty or heart racing all of those are normal reactions to either danger and or perceive danger what we think is danger but our body doesn't know the difference so if I think there's something wrong with me because I'm feeling anxious so a student who doesn't want to do an exam or somebody who's avoiding going down the street where there are dogs if they're interpreting that feeling of sickness in their tmate as a reason for not going then it just gives power
to that physical feeling but if we recognize I've got that messenger but it might actually be because of what I'm thinking or because of what I'm doing so I suggest to people that rather than trusting our feelings We Trust our instinct which is very very different so if I can show you my instinct exercise please if you close your eyes and I'm going to say some things so if I'm right say yes if I'm wrong say no so and I'm following my instinct so I hope this isn't too personal question would you would love to
chop all your hair off and go bald for a while no you really love that there are little children in the world who just bring so much excitement and joy yes you love washing up the dishes on your own after big family occasions no you're favorite food of all time is fried dog species no you enjoy going out with some friends yes okay so if you open your Aries did you know immediately you knew yes and immediately you knew not yes immediately that's my instinct and did you notice your reaction I mean with the the
dog species a kind of a sort of a revoltion yeah that's how quickly what we think can affect how we feel so thinking that we're not good enough actually can make us feel bad thinking other people are judging us even more than we're judging ourselves which I don't think is possible can also make us feel bad so acknowledging that and then really taking care of ourselves standing up to our inner critic behaving in ways that are really helpful and allowing ourselves feel that discomfort without this sense of everybody else is feeling wonderful there's something wrong
with me because I'm not and and that's that's the Simplicity of the CBT and turning things around so powerful we're going to put more in the workbook we'll put some more tapping meditations we'll put your little the triangle and everything so people can have a deeper experience and follow along but this was wonderful I mean just learn so much I think it's such a gift that you're taking your knowledge your years of CBT therapy and you're combining it with the tapping it's so powerful and I'm so grateful you shared with us today oh it's been
my pleasure Jessica and my privilege thank you [Music]
