Welcome one and all. Thank you very much. You're very kind.
Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the late show. I'm your host Steven Colbear. [cheering] Ladies and gentlemen, friends and neighbors.
Tonight, tonight folks, we we start our Wednesday show with more news about the Epstein files, which feels particularly disturbing on hump day. [laughter] Trump, I told you, disturbing. Trump is so eager for all of this to go away.
Here's what he said yesterday when he was asked about Epstein in the Oval Office. >> I think it's really time for the country to get onto something else really, you know, now that nothing came out about me, but I think it's time now for the country to maybe get on to something else. >> Yes, sir.
I think it's it's time to turn the page. Unfortunately, you're on the next page, too. You're like on [cheering] 5,000 of the pages, right?
>> [cheering] >> But sure, let's talk about something different, something meaningless, you know, something fun like Pokemon. >> Did you know that Pikachu can only evolve with a thundersstone and that he is also in the Epstein files? Not as much as Donald Trump is, but still, when it comes to Jeffrey's creepy pals, we got to catch them all.
[cheering] Trump's really uh Trump really wants us to stop talking about his former best friend's international sex crime documents. Which is why when CNN's Caitlyn Collins followed up on that initial question, he did this. >> What would you say to the survivors who feel like they haven't gotten the worst reporter?
No wonder CNN has no ratings because of people like you. You know, she's a young woman. I don't think I've ever seen you smile.
I've known you for 10 years. I don't think I've ever seen a smiling. >> Well, I'm asking you about survivors of Jeffrey.
You know why you're not smiling? Because you know you're not telling the truth and you're uh you're a very dishonest organization and they should be ashamed of you. Not only is that disgusting and misogynistic, but it's also a bit of a tell.
Uh Mr President, what do you say to accusations that you mistreat women? That girl's fugly and I hate her. Today, Vice President Vance was asked about Trump's comments.
>> She's asking a question. The president says, "Why don't you ever smile? " >> Yeah.
>> And it's actually like so perceptive. >> He's got a point. >> No, folks, he's got a point.
It is perceptive of the president to recognize that when he's in the room, women don't smile. [cheering] the person. [cheering] [applause] No matter what Trump wants, it's a little hard to look away from an international sex trafficking conspiracy featuring the stars of the 80s, 90s, and today.
Like one text chain about Trump's former impeachment lawyer, Alan Dersuitz, seen here after winning a contest for eating the most egg salad. [laughter] Dersuitz is the subject of a particularly catty exchange between Jeff Epstein and Woody Allen. Woody writes, "Did you happen to read the uh Allan Dersuits article in the New York Times?
" Epstein replied, "Yes, it's always only Allen for Allen. " Woody Allen wrote back, "Exactly. I thought he came off as an ass," adding, "He's the biggest self-promoter I've ever met.
It's it's quite laughable how desperate he is. Also the biggest name dropper. It makes me shudder.
It's so embarrassing. He He has no shame. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to lunch with my daughter wife.
[cheering and applause] [cheering] [applause] [laughter] Was Woody Allen just here? That was such a flawless impression. [laughter] Now, here's the curious thing.
Uh, I got a little curious and did a little searching to see if I was in the files. Uh, and unfortunately I am because one of Epstein's associates was a fan of my old show, The Colbear Report, particularly of my explanation of massive anonymous campaign coffers known as Super PACs. In an email asking Epstein to donate to a candidate, that person wrote, "Nobody explains it better than Steven Colbear.
It's really funny. Think Jeffrey will enjoy watching. " [cheering] Well, well, there's no such thing as bad publicity.
Just just look at our new Times Square billboard, The Late Show. It's really funny. Think Jeffrey will enjoy watching.
[cheering] But these files contain the names of folks even more important to me than me because Epstein also name dropped Bilbo Baggins. And at one point, he compared himself to Gandalf. All right, that is disgusting.
In the immortal words of Gandalf the Gray, "Eat you dead pervert. " [cheering] [cheering] [applause] It sounds prettier and Elvish. Oh, hey, remember our government's unfettered cruelty to immigrants?
Well, uh, you're not the only one upset about it. So is a guy from Chicago named Pope Leo I 14th. Seen here, [cheering] [applause] seen here in a White Sox hat, proving he is a man of infinite faith.
[laughter] Deontiff has described Trump's treatment of migrants as extremely disrespectful and has reiterated the Catholic belief that every Christian will be ultimately be judged on how they welcomed the foreigner. Yes. [cheering] [applause] >> The Bible.
Yes. The Bible calls all of us to welcome the foreigner. As it is written, I want to know what love is.
I want you to show me. [applause] Republicans [cheering] [applause] Republicans uh like to claim Jesus is is their guy. Which is why yesterday his eminence Mike Johnson tried to correct the pope on the Bible.
No, Mike. Mike, don't go there. That's like that's trying to that's like trying to correct me on the Lord of the Rings.
[cheering] Did I write it? No. Do I consider myself its spiritual emissary on earth?
You bet you're Tom Bombadel I do. Okay. So, [cheering] you claim you claim to know more about the Bible than the Pope.
Do you also claim to poop in the woods more than a bear? [laughter] Then go for it, buddy. Immigration is not something that's frowned upon in scripture.
But what's also important in the Bible is that assimilation is expected and anticipated and proper. When someone comes into your country, comes into your nation, they do not have the right to change its laws or to change a society. They're expected to assimilate.
>> Exactly. We must all assimilate. Which is why Johnson gave that answer in perfect Ojiway.
Johnson eventually got down to chapter and verse. >> Romans 12. You want to do this?
>> No, not really. But go ahead. Romans 13 says that um that the civil authorities are God's agents of wrath to bring punishment upon the wrongdoer.
And it says if you do right, you have no fear of the civil authorities, but those civil authorities are necessary. Okay, technically he's right. Romans 13 does say that because it's St.
Paul's letter to the Romans trying to work within the system so Nero would stop killing everybody who had just joined the brand new religion. But Paul bending the knee to the Romans didn't help him at all. He was arrested at least three times and then they chopped his head off.
But I guess they were just God's agents of wrath, RIGHT, MIKE? YOU WANT TO [screaming] DO THIS, BUDDY? LET'S DO THIS, BUCKO.
I DID NOT SUFFER [cheering] through a thousand hours of acoustic folk mass for nothing. Our [cheering] father who worked in heaven. [music] And [cheering] listen up, listen up.
I'd say Romans 13 is also an interesting Bible passage to just be able to pluck from your memory, Mike. According to one American history professor, there are two dominant places in American history where Romans 13 is invoked. One is during the American Revolution when it was used by loyalists who opposed the revolution.
The other is in the 1840s and 50s when it was invoked by defenders of slavery. Not great company, Mr Speaker. You really listen, you really don't want to be on the side with the bad guys in every single Ken Burns documentary.
If this if this if this was the one on baseball, if this was the one on baseball, Mike Johnson would be Rain. [cheering] But you know, you know what? You know what?
[cheering] [applause] I'm angry. You know what? This is all so let's let's keep it light.
You guys want to hear a riddle? >> What's black and white and dead all over? >> The Washington Post.
Because today the WPO cut a third of its staff. And you know, you know this is bad because rather than read that headline from the Washington Post, I pulled it from Philadelphia's ABC 6 Action News. Yeah, [applause] no pressure ABC 6 Action News.
But from here on out, it's just you and the New York Times. I can't I cannot believe we're losing a pillar of journalism in the middle of a constitutional crisis. These layoffs might be the worst decision Jeff Bezos has ever Okay, maybe the second worst decision Jeff Bezos has ever made.
Now, reportedly, uh, Bezos's lackey executive editor Matt Murray told staff members the company had lost too much money for too long thanks to declining audiences and sagging subscriptions. I would tell you more of what he said, but it was behind the payw wall and daddy don't play like that. All right.
Reporters who report on reporters are unhappily reportedly because the Atlantic summed up the whole thing by calling it the murder of the Washington Post. >> Yeah, their mast head used to say democracy dies in darkness, but now it's just democracy die. We got a great show for you tonight.
My guest [music] is Ian Mckllen. When we come back, first lady Melania Trump [cheering] is here. My satellite.
