Welcome one and all in here out there, Mr and Mr. and all the ships at sea to the late show. I'm your host Steven Colbear.
Ladies and gentlemen, [applause] if you if tonight you are joining us through uh the medium of TV, thank you for staying up late. Uh we were preempted tonight uh because every network agreed to air old Grandpa Ramble Pants Sundown Jamberee. Uh it was 9:00 p.
m. , right? 9:00 p.
m. uh speech tonight from the Oval probably. We don't know.
We talked about we talked about doing the show live tonight to cover the speech, but we decided not to because and just to give you a little, you know, peak behind the show Biz Curtain, we would had to have watched it and I don't want to do that no more. [cheering] >> Trump uh [applause] >> [music] >> Trump announced tonight's speech out of nowhere yesterday afternoon, saying, "My fellow Americans, I will be giving an address to the nation tomorrow night live from the White House at 9:00 p. m.
I look forward to seeing you then. It has been a great year for our country and the best is yet to come. " Okay, kind of a mixed signal to announce an emergency national address because everything's going great.
It's like your mom calling and saying, "Hey honey, I know you've got work, but is there any way you could fly down here tomorrow because your dad is doing great. It's a big deal. It's a really big deal for networks to just hand over their prime time slots on such short notice.
Especially because here at CBS, his 900 p. m. speech cuts right into the middle of the threehour Survivor season finale.
Wait, un unless that's the final challenge. Survivors, you've endured starvation, extreme heat, and poisonous snakes. But for your final challenge, you must listen to a bitter old man talk about a ballroom.
[laughter] >> [cheering and applause] [applause] >> And again, we're taping this. We're taping this hours before the speech, so I don't know what he talked about. That's a cup of brain poison future Steven has to drink.
But in in the lead in the leadup to the speech, Caroline Levit said he was going to discuss his accomplishments since taking office in January. Where to begin? >> Well, to save everyone time, we made a video montage of his finest moments.
>> I said, "Well, let's see how we say that. " >> Acid men, the fat shot. Dead head fed fed hair.
>> I got an MRI. It was perfect. [cheering and applause] Perfect.
Perfect. [music] [cheering] Trump's going to have a tough time convincing Americans that everything is just Jim Kraky. His approval numbers are down in the toy.
And yesterday, we got a horrible jobs report that revealed the unemployment rate in November rose to 4. 6%, the highest level since September of 2021. The last time job numbers were this bad, Panera had just introduced their grilled mac and cheese sandwich.
It was bread stuffed with macaroni and cheese. Of course, nobody could work after eating that. [laughter] They could barely breathe.
Fun fact, 2021 was also the year Cracker Barrel introduced their cinnamon roll pie. Overall, 2021 was a banner year for shoving carbs [laughter] in other crusts of carb. Yesterday, uh, tonight, tonight is Wednesday.
>> Wednesday. It's exactly halfway through Hanukkah, which is why we call this Wednesday hump day. Last night, last night, uh, Donald Trump held a celebration of Hanukkah in the White House, and he saw fit to give the crowd a little holiday primmer.
They wanted that light to burn just for one night. Yet, as the story goes, that small flame endured for eight days. Do you know that story?
Does everybody know that story? The story about how something that should have never lasted that long ended up going on forever? Yeah, we're living that one.
But also, [applause] let me let me ask you this. Do you know that story? because they didn't want it to burn for only one night.
They thought it could burn only one night. If you want a flame to go out quickly and it burns for a lot longer, that's not a miracle. That's a grease fire.
[laughter] Also, the crowd there is to celebrate the holiday. Pretty sure you don't need to tell them what it's about. What did he tell the folks at the Christmas party?
So, check it out, y'all. Check it out. You know Jesus, big guy, Mr Sandals with the night gown and the endless fish.
Turns out they do a little baby one now. Okay, this time of year, I didn't know this, they do a little baby. They do a little baby one just like they did with Yoda.
They got a little [laughter] [laughter] And because air was passing through Trump's windpipe, he brought up his stupid ballroom. Uh, the one that's going to cost I'm sorry, how much does it cost again? >> $200 million, >> right?
$200 million. >> $250 million. >> Sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm $250 million. >> 300 million.
>> Okay, that's more, but 300 million it is, which he confirmed last night. >> A $400 million borum. [cheering] >> $400 million up from $200 million.
How How How much is this price going to go up? 100%, 400%, 600%, a thousand%. >> But at least But at least all that money is going towards something important.
Thick windows. >> It'll be the most beautiful ballroom. It's got 5 in thick glass windows.
It impenetrable by anything but a howitzer. >> Well, don't tell them that, you dummy. >> Don't tell them what to do.
[applause] >> [cheering] >> These windows 5 in 5 in 5 in impenetrable except anything except a but a howitzer. But even if you have a howitzer, they'll never find me down in my panic bunker. The key to which is hidden in a very real looking fake rock labeled real rock.
[laughter] Finally, after what felt like eight nights, he wrapped up his speech in the smoothest way possible. >> You know what? You're going to have the greatest ballroom anywhere in the world, and you're going to love it.
It's going to fit beautifully with the White House. Happy Hanukkah. [laughter] Wow, THAT ENDING WAS REALLY A HAPPY [screaming] HANUKKAH.
[laughter] One thing, one thing Trump may have uh brought up in his speech tonight, I don't know, but he might have brought this up, is that yesterday he ordered a blockade of oil tankers into Venezuela. Now, Trump claims our military presence off the coast of Venezuela is about drugs. But his chief of staff, Susie Wilds, appeared to confirm that the campaign is part of a push to oust Maduro.
Perfect. Because if there's one thing I know, when the US tries regime change, there's always a happy ending. I mean, to announce what sure sounds like a war, Trump posted one of his classic unhinged rants, which read in part, "Venezuela is completely surrounded by the largest armada ever assembled in the history of South America.
" Now, I'm no geographer, but I looked at a map and there's only water on one side of Venezuela. How do you surround it with the Navy? That's like a cop saying, "Surrender.
We got you completely surrounded except for the side doors and the back doors. [laughter] Where are they? " Damn it.
They left through one of those other doors. [laughter] I told you to put a boat back there. [laughter] New York City Mayor Eric Adams.
[cheering and applause] Really? No. No way.
[applause] >> [cheering] >> primarily an actor. [applause] How you guys doing? You holding up?
All right. New York City Mayor Eric Adams last day in office will be December 31st. But fear not.
[cheering] [applause] Look how fearful they are. But fear not. Adams is not leaving without doing one more wacky thing because yesterday he buried a time capsule at city hall to celebrate himself and his four years in office which is set to be dug up in just 10 years.
[laughter] 10 years 10 years is not a time capsule. 10 years is a storage unit. [laughter] Is it still open?
Can I throw my albums in there? [applause] So anyway, they put a bunch of stuff in the time capsule and none of it is what I will remember the mayor for. What I will remember mayor Adams for is for this answer to a very simple question.
When you look at the totality of the year, if you had to describe it, and it's tough to do, in one word, what would that word be? And tell me why. >> Uh New York.
Uh this is a place where every day you wake up uh you could experience everything from a plane crashing into our trade center to a a person who's celebrating a new business that's open. >> Well, [laughter] it's like the bumper sticker say never forget that a new hair salon opened in Soho. Adams also he also took uh took some time in his press conference to address his critics.
>> The overwhelming number of us saw what we were doing and we were willing to accomplish. There will always be haters and our haters will be our waiters. >> Yes.
Our haters will be our waiters. Our detractors will be our failed actors. Our enemies will be our matraes.
And our hate watchers will be our weight watchers. We got a great show for you tonight. My guests are Nani [cheering] and St.
Vincent. Come back. It's Meanwhile.
Join us. [music] [cheering] >> [music] [music] >> Yeah.
