my wife left me for weeks and admitted to cheating on me for four years because she was bored and now wants me back pretty lost with my current situation looking for any sort of insight wife 39f and I 40m have been married for 17 years as mentioned we have three daughters 15 131 we're High School sweethearts been together for about 23 years now I know almost nothing but here's the only information I have wife comes home 3 days ago from work had to work on the fourth frantic emotional hastily packed an overnight bag and left
only know this because our old daughter was home at the time and watched her tried talking to her but she was just crying distraught and didn't speak said she was almost in a panic she's not responding to any of our text SL calls contacted her parents right away and they eventually responded saying that my wife is safe with them Anda please be patient and understanding that's it I tried contacting her sister her brother and one of her close work friends her brother said he knew nothing and her work friend said she was at work in
the morning then gone by lunch 3 days ago that's all she knew that's it 3 days now no contact for my wife not even with the kids nothing no one is telling us anything and here I am with my three girls trying to manage without her kids keep asking me what's going on asking what happened with mom and all I can say is that she's a grandma and grandpas and we're supposed to be patient and understanding I have an overwhelming urge to just pack up the kids quick and drive over there without warning it's only
3 hours away and sitting here in limbo is awful the kids think we had a huge fight in our divorcing but that's farthest from the truth we never fight the kids know this I don't know what going on but can someone provide some clarity from a logical perspective as my current emotional state has me thinking in circles while I try to manage everything without her if someone passed away wouldn't your spouse slam be the first person you'd tell maybe some past trauma was brought to life but again if it were me my wife would be
the first person I'd come to for support we know nothing nothing makes sense I don't know what to do and I just sit here in limbo with a girls we all know nothing and no one is telling us anything and it has me worried scared angry Etc just about any emotion one can feel in this situation can anyone come up with something reasonable why would you ghost your family like this update one I'm not very familiar with Reddit yet apologies not much to post I don't know how to link my last post just not 100%
sure how to do that it was a long night last night I didn't sleep and forgive me for the short update don't anticipate spending much time on the computer today but I did read every post yesterday and into the night and we eventually read responses today I'll just say what I know and leave it at that my father-in-law didn't call me last night so I did eventually end up contacting the police and they did a wellness check as many of you suggested this caused a storm of issues that I won't get into but my wife
has been having an affair for at least 2 years now likely longer everyone was correct the other man apparently had a heart attack on Tuesday and eventually passed away that night for certain my mother-in-law and it sounds like probably my sister-in-law have known about it and have been covering for her still no contact from my wife not to me or the girls trying to keep this from them for now honestly no idea what to do from here that's all I know and that's enough to just about be the end of me thank you for all
of the help/ advice not sure how to move on from this news but that's it if you pray please pray for me and US update to I've been recommended this sub by a few others just joined and have been reading through many posts when I have time mostly at night when the chaos of the day ends and then of course the brain takes over and I go through these fits of depression then I get hit with raging anger then both at the same time sleeping is nearly impossible then I wander through the day like a
zombie I'm trying to learn all of the acronyms I guess D-Day for me was Friday wife was having what I initially thought was a 2-year Affair but now it seems very likely it was longer and the man she cheated with ap was someone she's known for a while he tragically passed away of a heart attack which triggered the Revelation I'm still digging for information with the help of my oldest daughter lots of things I'm not ready to post about really had no plans of continuing to make posts about my situation but so many people have
offered so much help/ advice it's almost become therapeutic it hurts to know so many other people have SL or suffering through this kind of pain for that I'm so sorry I met with two different lawyers both yesterday and today to discuss options contacted several places regarding therapy too but there are very long waights where I live trying to adhere to many suggestions others have made avoid alcohol but I don't drink and never have self-care workout Etc I'd consider myself in very good shape for someone my age but hard to find the energy to work out
right now I know many of you will ask me for details the who's what's When's WIS and such But please understand that I'm just not ready to get into all of that yet every day seems like a new bomb has exploded and I'm just looking for advice on one thing so I can maybe start sleeping a little my wife was everything to me my best friend since high school the mother of my three beautiful daughters I mean we have inside jokes and secret handshakes it's all gone everything it's just all gone I think about all
of our years together every Milestone every laugh and now I just get so very depressed it's crippling it's as though it all meant nothing to her and now my future will be without her and then of course the how could use creep in and I get overcome with this unquenchable raging anger I scream into my pillow and punch the mattress until my arms cramp it's a horrible cycle I only sleep out of pure exhaustion then I'll wake up Suddenly and the mind games begin a new any energy I do have I dedicate to my girls
who've been trying to take care of me like they're the parents it's not fair to them how did you all sleep after you found out about the affair how did you manage the silence and The Emptiness at night with only your thoughts I've decided that outside of my daughters sleep needs to be my number one priority in all of this but I just can't so hoping you can help thank you all update three apologies for still being relatively new to Reddit not sure how much of my situation I'm supposed to repeat or reiterate but it's
been just over a week since my D-Day and since the day I've learned my wife's Affair was well over 4 years still no exact timeline very likely it started emotional and then turned physical I'm curious how the pandemic and lockdowns played into this too questions I may or may not get the answers too anyway yesterday my in-laws made an impromptu visit to see their grandkids Del ew has been crashing at their house since this nightmare began which is complete and total crap of course as they spent all of 15 minutes greeting the girls wife and
I have three daughters before asking to speak with me in private it was a long conversation as you might expect one which I don't want to dialogue in its entirety on this post but long story short my wife wants to come home but she fears the backlash of her actions and is afraid to face what she's done her parents also dug very hard trying to determine whether or not I planned on divorcing and spent considerable time trying to sway me toward forgiving my wife and trying to rebuild the marriage it was clear they were very
ashamed and embarrassed but also clear they wanted my wife out of their house it was a very civil and respectful exchange I admit I lied and told them I wasn't sure what my future plans were as I fully plan on divorcing but I feel if I reveal this I'll never get the truth from my wife and I may never get it but I want her to sit in front of me and explain it all if possible over 17 years of marriage and being together since high school three kids countless memories and all that we've shared
I want her to look me in the eyes and tell me everything I also want my kids to know that I gave her a chance to explain herself that I gave her the opportunity to apologize and handle things together as mature adults I keep trying to choose the path that will set the best example for my kids I don't know maybe I'm doing it wrong legally I cannot keep my wife out of our home lawyer made that very clear so if my wife is going to come home I can't stop her though I absolutely do
not want this right now my girls and I have actually started to settle into a nice routine so I made a demand that I felt would be unachievable for a while I said my wife could come home of Slash when she sat down with me in person looked me in the eyes and revealed everything about her Affair start to finish answering any SL all of my questions without hesitation or further deceit and then sat down with the girls and apologized in person and answered their questions too figured since they already know it's only fair again
she can legally come home whenever she wants and doesn't have to adhere to any demands but if she's afraid to face us maybe I could use that to our advantage is that wrong I'm not trying to be devious or deceptive here just really don't want to start cohabitating yet if I can delay it there is a man mandatory 90-day waiting period in our state before divorce can happen anyway her coming home is inevitable we'll both have to go back to work eventually and Life Will Go On regardless of this mess I just like to prolong
it so I can plan and get into a better state of mental emotional health my wife has been texting the girls and she claims that she doesn't want to divorce and keeps apologizing to them repeatedly they've shown me the texts asks about me daily and the reality of what she's done to all of us is hitting her hard especially in the last couple of days how do I manage this was my demand foolish it sounds like my wife is going to be coming home sooner than later anyway I feel confident in my path forward right
now I'm not rattled by this as I knew it would happen eventually I just want to make the best decision for my daughters and then myself as we move forward thank you to each and everyone that's been offering encouragement advice and support update 4 this will be rather anticlimactic but apologies for the length I just need to get this out terrible weekend but my wife came home yesterday a decent amount of buildup to it as this week went on any prior time she'd first enter the doorway I'd give her a hug and kiss but this
time there was just this horribly uncomfortable awkwardness between us she actually came to me and tried to give me a hug before saying anything but I turned away unreal just as if nothing had happened after she settled I naturally asked her to tell me everything and she again reiterated that she's not ready we had spoken on the phone earlier in the week same result I insisted that the only condition of her moving back home was that she loved the family enough to explain why she's been absent for going on 3 weeks but she just repeated
that she just wasn't ready for that it took a lot to not scream at her but I took a couple of deep breaths and tried to compose myself I failed and after the first of many very long pauses I just blurted out that she'd been having an affair for over four years with this co-worker of hers planned on leaving me for this other man ghosted her whole family and now walks through the door without fulfilling the one single condition that I had asked for and that I wanted a divorce I guess this is when things
got weird her body language and facial expression made it obvious she had no idea how much I knew about her affair she glanced at me wide-eyed then just stood there in the kitchen staring at the floor said nothing just stoic I was I was expecting anything SL everything but this maybe an emotional tiate maybe a Tey confession maybe she'd start screaming at me yelling blaming the affair on Me Maybe a serious toned okay let's sit down and talk this out but not this reaction we honestly must have stood in the kitchen for 5 minutes in
absolute silence it was just the strangest moment I've ever experienced she clearly didn't know what to say and neither did I I had read all of your comments sladice on my situation I even took notes I sat in front of a mirror and had prepared myself for all possible scenarios that this confrontation might present except this one so I eventually decided right then and there to map out everything I knew about her Affair maybe dumb of me proceeded to tell her everything that I knew admittedly adding in my own assumptions about several things how she
met AP her sister's involvement what went on during covid Etc she just stared at the floor the entire time I got angrier as I went along because she said slid nothing but I did everything I could not to raise my voice or get obscene I finally composed myself then there was another lengthy awkward silence then anger switched to sadness at the realization of everything I then softly asked her what I did to push her away did she ever love me and was he AP worth it she said nothing didn't budge didn't move just nothing from
her at all no tears no apology no yelling no explanation just stood there with her head down nothing this hurt this hurt maybe worse than dday did I stood there staring at her not sure I would have moved but then things got worse of course our girls were eavesdropping on the entire encounter I'm just so incredibly stupid I've been dedicating so much energy into putting them first in their needs over the past couple of weeks but I got emotional and didn't give a single thought to their whereabouts once I confronted my wife so our oldest
daughter stormed downstairs and lashed out a lot of pent up anger on her part my wife quickly just ran upstairs and locked the bedroom door that's where we're at now I heard my wife crying most of the night last night until I fell asleep only our youngest has tried talking to her the rest of us have avoided her if I can get the courage up I'm going to suggest she stay with her sister until we're able to finalize the divorce but this is still her home too it's just going to be miserable if we all
have to cohabitate with her I was wrong about my wife and all of you were correct I was wrong about all of our years together wrong about all of the memories the life-changing moments I was convinced she'd drop to her knees and beg forgiveness I was so convinced that she would reaping of everything from the last four years and unload the truth to absolve her guilt this woman literally drove back to a farmer's market once when she realized she'd been given $10 too much in change but we're not worth it to her I'm not worth
it to her maybe I never was now what what today was so uncomfortable at home the girls and I tried to carry on as we had for the past 2 weeks but obviously that's not possible I just want to fast forward past all this past the divorce past the awkward conversations past the inevitable arguments SL fights past the drama to those that have had to cohabitate with their WS how did you manage that especially with kids I know this is just the beginning I keep reading all of the posts that promise it gets better but
I'm so far away from that there's not a single moment when I don't want to scream slob right now trying very very very hard to maintain a stable mind for the girls of course but don't know if I can keep it up for 3 months school will start well before all of this is over too I guess this is my life now thank you all for taking such a vested interest in me I don't know if the worst is ahead or behind us but appreciate any/all you can offer to get me through the next phase
up fate five I'm in a bad way and I've been in a bad way since my ww came home since I learned of her Affair I've been trying to fake it as best as possible for my daughters I try to say the right things think the right things but tonight I have to admit the truth as many of you post daily it comes in waves but I was hit with a big one tonight and lost my composure a bit divorce is filed but my ww still has yet to hire a lawyer and again I'm trying
to be as patient and delicate in this regard as possible as I'm starting to see hope for an uncontested divorce that we mainly handle mostly ourselves but after tonight I don't know we've been cohabitating during the week and WW goes to her sister's Friday nights and returns home Sunday nights as she works very close to our family home but her sister is an hour away if there's no traffic for the past couple of weeks it's been this routine of mostly avoidance as myself and the girls are trying to carry on normally while ww kind of
just stays to herself though there are casual interactions every evening except that my oldest daughter and my ww aren't speaking after a couple of bad blowups it's for the best right now lately I've been heaing much of all of your advice along with things I've read I work very hard on my self-discipline around my wife and though it takes all my strength and willpower I've been short and indifferent toward her when we briefly talk though always polite and respectful until tonight last couple of Fridays she's come home from work gotten a few things together and
taken off for her sisters for the weekend before I'm even home from work but not tonight she was waiting in the kitchen for me when I got home tonight I tried to just walk past but she lightly grabbed me by the hand and asked me if this is how I was going to treat her just because she's not ready to talk to me about her Affair which by the way is the very first time she's so much has mentioned a single word about her cheating since this all blew up almost a month ago I tried
I promise you I tried to just bite my tongue and walk away but our daughters weren't home at the time and rage built up in me and then I unloaded my every Vice and every pain every hurt ache rage misery I unloaded everything on her I can't even tell you how long I went on lost all concept of time I did raise my voice at times got a little animated and loud I just broke down and told her how broken I am in the agony that I'm in every day everything I've been holding back everything
that's been tormenting me I mean I could make this post 4,000 words long if I tried to recount everything I said once I started I wasn't going to stop of course I cried got emotional again I was so freaking angry at myself afterward I've been doing so well damn it she got to me I let her get to me I knew it would happen I knew it disgusting it's been building for a while and there's only so much I can vent into the wait room well also for the first time ww actually broke down and
got emotional surprisingly started sobbing uncontrollably regrettably this made me happy to see her hurting in the same way that I was I wish that I didn't care but there was some satisfaction in seeing her break down finally like there is actually someone in there with an ounce of compassion also surprised surprisingly she mumbled apologies repeatedly during my explosion she was kind of ugly crying and that's all she would say is I'm so sorry but in the end I left the kitchen before she could compose herself enough to say anything else told her to please leave
me alone so that happened she lingered around the kitchen for a while before leaving again for her sister's house the girls got home about a half hour later and knew something had happened hard to hide it but I wasn't ready to talk about anything and don't think they need to know about this do they the two youngest have been doing much better and I don't want to hinder their progress and telling my oldest about this would just add more fuel to her fire which I also don't want I hate this so much I hate it
I should have held it together I should have just given my ww the cold shoulder and walked right past her I don't know now thinking back it feels like she was just trying to start a conversation about her Affair but didn't know how and obviously didn't get very far because I exploded I've started to actually worry about her I know many of you will criticize me for this but I don't want her to come to any harm she's been isolated and alone with her thoughts with nearly everyone turning their back on her you can say
she deserves it and that's true but but she's still a human being and the mother of my kids what a setback for me really disappointed in myself sorry for another long rant I called my brother and ranted to him too man I'll try to start again Monday I'm only human it actually felt good to vent on her but now of course the regret is hitting me should I text my wife or just leave it be I'm such a mess but thanks for listening thanks for offering me the support I need to get through all of
this and thank you for all of the advice in the midst of the chaos we have all started therapy so that's something but this is so incredibly hard just so hard update 6 I know many of you have reached out to me and I do appreciate the concern most of you were correct things aren't great and I haven't had the chance to get online at all wanted to maybe take a break from the internet but this week has me backpedaling horribly it's just been awful wife hasn't really left me alone all week overly nice and
continually apologizing for her Affair sobbing and then smothering me knocking on my door at night wanting to talk I've ignored her some but talked when I was in the mood I finally snapped at her Wednesday night telling her to leave me alone then then last night it happened just over a month since my soon to be ex-wife came back home after her Affair blew up and now as things have entered this uncomfortable cohabitating routine she came into my room after the girls went to bed and asked to talk with me in private differently than she'd
been approaching me all week I fed at first but eventually we actually went to the garage and sat in my car so as not to make the mistake of Confrontation in front of the kids again this is lengthy apologies she told me everything according to her we were out there for almost 3 hours I don't know how much to share I was up all night listened to her sobbing again for several hours couldn't sleep I cried too then I'd get super angry and have to resist going into to scream at her then cry then anger
and on and on forgive me if I take a day or so to respond to anyone but I need to get this off my chest and then try to sleep it hasn't helped having my ww constantly apologizing and begging me for another chance all evening tonight too had to leave for a few hours just to get away from her it is just so painful to be around her anyway she was introduced to her AP by her sister well before Co dating back about 5 years apparently with zero romantic intentions but he was a higher up
at a company she wanted to work for and currently does and he gave her an inn so her desire to change jobs was not based on her Affair but once she did change jobs obviously she had extra incentive once she got the job AP began flirting with her started out as texting then pictures and more texting then became physical just before Co hit she confessed to her sister and wanted to come clean to me then but decided to bury it and say nothing of course wife said she went NC with her AP soon after but
as long lock downs and restrictions were lifted he reached back out to her and she resumed talking to him until the physical side to the affair started up again once businesses went back to work she claims to have ended the affair a couple of times out of guilt but kept going back to him so it never ended essentially she actually included a lot of details had a five-page packet of handwritten notes of her Affair timeline read off the entire thing answering questions along the way she lied about weekend trips with the girls she lied about
traveling for work she lied about traffic jams about issues with her parents about shopping trips Etc just as I suspected and the list was extensive so many lies that I just trusted her every word never questioned anything but they were just a front to be with him hearing it all it just made me feel worse everyone was correct about that but her affection never really dipped while all of this was going on she never got distant like I read so often intimacy did change but not enough to where I'd see red flags anyway she admits
falling in love with ap and wanting a life with him he was older divorced SL single and promised her expensive things vacations and all the things he could do on her with she started fantasizing about escaping her responsibilities with the family and claimed the thrill of being with him as too much to resist talked about how bored she got with the daily routines of family life she was incredibly candid very emotional and seemingly honest I lost my composure and began crying Midway through it hurt to hear it all as you'd expect of course once she
was finished with her confession she told me how much she loved me and always has and that she's willing to do any SL everything to try and save the marriage a lot of you predicted this would happen but it all just seemed seems so disingenuous to me like it was rehearsed I've been with this woman for well over half my life and I can just tell when she's full of crap Maybe I'm Wrong guess it doesn't matter but I composed myself better than last week still got angry and said a few not so nice things
including getting a jab in about how her AP was seeing multiple women and she was just one of many that he was willing to toss aside that seemed to really upset her a million things have gone through my brain when thinking about this moment when she'd finally confess all the on liners I might throw at her or things I could say to hurt her back hundreds of responses that I couldn't think of in the emotional moment the other night but one thing I knew I would ask and that was if AP was still alive and
she had to choose between him and me who would she choose she hesitated and then mumbled that's not fair I pressed the issue and then she eventually said she'd of course pick me my response was that her hesitation was the reason I was divorcing her because she was lying again she started sobbing and that was the last she spoke we sat in the car a while she just kept sobbing but I was tired so I just told her that we're divorcing and we owe it to the girls to get along in a civil way to
be great parents and be present in their lives I also added that after all the pain she'd put me through I hop she was a good enough person to divorce fairly SL amicably that would prove she actually loved me the last thing I said to her I stole from somewhere else online please understand that I'm not a petty person and I did not purposely want to cause her pain it just seemed a fitting end to it all but I did 100% mean what I said and did I leaned over and kissed her on the forehead
and told her that I would have loved her forever then got out of the car and went to bed that was it of course I didn't sleep last night and here I unable to sleep once again tonight don't know what happens now her opportunity to contest the divorce is come and gone so I guess that's one good thing but I haven't talk to my lawyer yet I find myself crying again and sinking back into those depression SL anger faces it was very hard hearing everything last night and in reality I could have done without it
all now that I know she could have lied and made it all up too who knows but it seemed to fit perfectly with everything I'd put together in the past month so that's it for now this is just never ending it seems I have a few good days start feeling strong again and then something else happens it feels like it's been months and yet only days at the same time but I'm going to try and sleep imagine the love of your life the only woman you've ever loved ever kissed tells you she cheated on you
for over four years because she was bored didn't fall out of love didn't grow apart didn't have any relationship issues or dead bedroom nothing like that just because she was bored don't know if that makes it worse or better thanks for reading and helping along the way bad couple of nights very bad [Music]
