look at you Jake thank you you look amazing yeah yeah it took a lot of work it's been two years since you were here last time you were here you were struggling with fentanyl right yeah very heavily um I was doing uh I think multiple grams a day at some points like obviously when I didn't have enough money um I would be in withdraw or whatever and I wouldn't be able to get as much but I think think at my height I was doing like estimated about two grams a day I would go through about
no that was wrong about 10 grams a week so that was a lot of money quite a bit um but yeah I mean yeah I was doing pretty bad and what what uh what got you to change your direction um so I didn't want to for like the longest time like I really just uh I mean part of me wanted to like obviously like I didn't want to live the way I was living but um I wasn't going to stop like for no one I wasn't going to stop like for any reason really um I
thought I was going to die using it and honestly like at the time that was what I wanted like I didn't want to keep living and um but what got me sober was just kept getting worse um I started like okay so what let me tell you the actual story um I I went into withdraws really bad and I had to go to the hospital because um it's pretty embarrassing but um I went to withraw so bad that like um my dad found me like incoherent in a puddle of my own [ __ ] and
piss and um so yeah he was obviously like okay this you need to go to the hospital and uh so I went to the hospital I was in there for like a week and then this is when you were going through withdrawals yes I went for withdrawals and and then um I I they started giving me suboxone um I got out uh I relapsed like immediately I think it was the same day and then um so the same thing happened I ran out of money I went to withdraws pretty bad um and then I went
um in the hospital a second time and my parents told me like okay you're going to go straight from the hospital to rehab and obviously I didn't want that like at all um I just wanted to keep using fentol what's going through your mind at that point that that you're just so self-destructive you're trying to kill yourself basically yeah I am 100% I'm trying to kill myself I didn't want to live um at the time I didn't you know it's really sad cuz like I had friends that have killed themselves and like I've seen how
it affects people and um I didn't care about how it would affect my family because I was just in so much pain that do you think do you think that was your brain chemistry that was just making you act that way or was was it something going on in your life that caused it or I think it's both for sure I mean I've been diagnosed with depression but like now I live I would say without depression I think it was a lot of it was circumstantial circumstantial what were what were the circumstances that they were
so terrible um I was extremely lonely um I would hang out with friends very rarely um and I mean I didn't have a I didn't have a girlfriend and then that's like a really shallow reason but like I was pretty lonely and I I had so used I was so used to having a girlfriend kill yourself over that you just get a girl exact yeah but my I was so used to just like um treating my my pain with drugs like it's all I've done since I was like 13 it's the way I handled things
so like that was what I thought to do I thought to like like I last time soon as I we broke up I just went straight to fentel um but yeah so to get back to the story um I went to rehab um I was in withdraw at the rehab and like um they weren't giving me any Suboxone for you like anything so like once I got my phone back after like 5 days which I think is a terrible way to do it I don't think you should give them their phone back to be honest
because I got picked up immediately I had um someone I knew that was in the same situation as I was picked me up and uh I kind of I kind of [ __ ] them over like I asked for a certain amount of money for a certain amount of Xanax I got half the amount of Xanax I gave them most of it I kept some of it and then I uh got fent all with the rest and that night my parents were extremely worried like um they didn't want me to go home and I didn't
care I just wanted to get high and um so I I got my fentol and I went to my house using the excuse that I can I at least see my cat and um I came to the door and I told my dad like hey like I already have fentol like I'm going to either use it in the house or I'm going to use it outside of the house and um very luckily he let me come in the house because it would have been extremely bad if he didn't because I overdose that night and my
heart stopped and I went blue and um my dad had to do CPR on me um my mom had to call the ambulance I can't imagine how traumatic that was for them it feel terrible for your parents I can't even imagine it's I'm so like I feel so bad that I did that to them but so I went to the hospital again that night um got out relapsed the same day again um I didn't want to stay sober whatsoever so um I would just tell the doctors like yeah I'm going to I'm going to stay
on subox soon I'm going to not relapse I'd get out same day I'd relapse and um so I just kept it kept going on like that for a while and then um I went to the hospital again and um for for same thing for um withdraws and um when I got out like my dad had decided like oh I'm going to take you on a road trip so like I wouldn't be able to you know access Fentanyl and and um so we said we were going to go like the next day got out bought fenel
immediately um and I was taking some box on at the same time and I didn't know like how they worked together I knew something about precipitated withdraws but I didn't know exactly how it worked and um so I went to precipitated withdraws and so I um I would just like go between being in withdraw from fentanyl to back on fentol and like it was just like a cycle and then um eventually I agreed to go on the road trip a few days later and um something it wasn't a good road trip um I ruined it
for him and I feel really bad about that but uh about 3 days in I ran out of fentol and I had taken subox Zone because I didn't want to feel the withdraws and I I wasn't thinking about going into precipitated withdraws and um what are what are precipitated withdrawals Okay so um if you're on Suboxone what it does is it it like takes it out of your system immediately like it blocks The receptors so none of the fentanyl left over in your system can get absorbed if if I'm remembering correctly that's how it works
so like it completely puts you in withdraws like immediately like as soon as it kicks in like full-blown withdraws but like they're worse than regular withdraws by far like precipitated withdraws like withdraws on crack is Extreme it's worst worst situation I've ever been in and um so I was in precipitated withdraws and me and my dad were driving to Oregon and I already had Xanax on me like cuz I knew eventually this was going to happen and I wanted to like mitigate how bad it was and I couldn't find the Xanax so like uh I
had my dad look for it for me because I was just like in such a frenzy state that I didn't really want to like just take my time and look for it and um he found it and I asked him to give me like eight and he was like no I'll give you two and um we started arguing about it because I knew that two wouldn't do anything for me cuz that two is what I took on a regular night when I wasn't in withdrawals and eight would like make them manageable and we started arguing
about it going back and forth and I got suicidal and also I was you know it was manipulation trying to get him to to give me what I wanted like I can see that now at the time I was just thinking of what I wanted but um I told him I'm going to kill myself if he doesn't give me the amount of Xanax I want and he just stared at me and like so I got the knife and I put it up to my throat and I um he wasn't like he was just slowly walking
towards me so like I like obviously like I wasn't going to kill myself that way um so I just like SL my throat like a little bit like there's a scar there now just to show him like I was serious which I kind of wasn't and um so he just kept walking slowly towards me and at that point I think I did decide I really wanted to die like so I like Dove for like the knives and um he tried to stop me and uh we wrestled over the knife and it cut his hand like
super bad like from like here to like right here like deep so he called the cops and they came and luckily I was in Oregon because if I was in a red State I think I would have been completely [ __ ] like drugs wise and the whole situation I don't think they would have taken it the way they did so I was completely honest with them I told them exactly what happened cuz I realized like how bad this would look for me if I came out and like wouldn't say a word and my dad's
hand is just sliced open and um so they took me to the hospital they were trying to admit me to like a psych wward and I just said I didn't want to kill myself over and over and they let me out the next morning and so my dad had been there all night getting his hand stitched up and he uh when they told me I could leave um I got my clothes back I got my phone back so I I called him and he was just like done like fully done like he he was just
going to leave me there and that's like understandable honestly but he was just going to leave me there and uh so I convinced him to pick me up and he did and he wouldn't say a word to me he just uh he just drove like home and I called my mom and like they talked and my dad was like like you're going to rehab or you're going to be homeless and I was like [ __ ] um okay and I found a way to you know use again I told them like hey I'll go to
rehab if you um if you let me do fentol for 10 days and with some arguing back and forth between my mom and my dad my dad agreed and um you know so I used Fel for 10 days we went to text cuz that's where I went to rehab at that's where I'm staying now and um about the second day I was there I think my dad told me all right we're going so I agreed to go after some back and forth and um so I went there it was about an hour and a half
drive I think um I was just I just F on the back of the car as soon as I got in the car so I just slept the whole way there it was my dad and my aunt and they dropped me off um you know they were crying and I was just emotionless because I was on Xanax and Fentanyl so I just oh and also I did like multiple grams of fentanyl in the back of the car when I got there in the parking lot um so I just I went through the through the process
to like get into the rehab you know the admittance process and I did that and I you know I I went to rehab and slept the first night second morning I woke up or first morning I woke up I was in withdraw already and and um so I went through that process the withdraw process they gave me um subox on I think the third day because they didn't want to give me precipitated withdraws and it didn't really help much um maybe like 10% and then they upped it maybe like 20% they upped it I think
it was about 45% and so it made it just just to where I could manage it you know they at that rehab they wanted you to feel it I think that's a good thing um I don't think you should completely not feel it CU you have to remember like how bad it was you don't want to ever go back there again and so uh once I got out of out of um detox they you know I started working the program um at first I wasn't planning on taking it seriously but on the second day I
was there or it might have been the third I was stilling pretty bad withdraws um someone sat me down I really appreciate him um if you if he sees this I appreciate you um for sitting me down and being like hey man like I'm 20 years older than you like uh I wish I took it seriously when I was your age you know I was in the opposite situation I flew to California and I went to rehab and I didn't take it seriously and here I am again and he talked to me for like 45
minutes just like telling me like take it seriously care about your family like how how the people in your life are affected by this like don't hang out with the people that don't take it seriously here all this stuff and like up to that point I hadn't gotten like a Stern talking to really about it like you know everyone was kind of like somewhat coddling me me um and I needed that and I just I started thinking about it and once I got out of withdraw I started you know um doing the rehab stuff taking
it seriously um you know I found my higher power which was crazy for me because I wasn't very uh religious at that point I was not religious at all so I found a higher power I connected with it um I started working the steps um I finished I finished the 12th step like right before I left which was three months I was in there for 3 months and I'm very happy I stayed for three months cuz it took some convincing but I think it was necessary and so I I got out I met some good
friends there I got out I um I went to sober living um it was a very strict sober living I didn't have my phone for the first month either um I had to haded to start I had to do some stuff like in there was a three- housee system there was in each house I had to like meet the requirements to mov the next house so I did those um I started going to meetings at first I was going to meetings every day and then slowly as I progressed through the houses um there was less
and less meetings required so by the end I think it was one meeting required and um so I was just doing that and then you know I graduated and I moved to a a step down sober living and yeah that's that's what I've been doing um it's been rough it's been really hard actually probably the hardest thing I've ever done in my life um but it was so so worth it um you know like the first family day I had at rehab um my family was sobbing like absolutely sobbing like in hysterics cuz like that's
the first time they've seen me doing good since I was like 12 and even at 12 I wasn't doing good but like you know genuinely good and like they thought I was going to die CU I had overdo like quite a few times at that point um so like obviously like that's a that's extremely emotional moment for them um and yeah like I'm just so happy with with my life now like it's definitely the happiest I've ever been like obviously sobriety isn't like completely perfect but um you know I've gone through some things I've I've
lost some friends you I hadn't lost friends before going to rehab because like I didn't really hang out with anyone who used like hard drugs like I just got drugs and that was it but like you know meeting good friends in rehab and sober living I lost two of them I hope to lose no more but you know how the statistics go so um do you feel stable now very stable definitely the most stable I've ever felt in my life I don't even you know I was taking meds at first but eventually like I I
was taking them not on such a regular basis I would forget to take them and I realized like hey I don't think I need these and I I don't think anyone should get off their uh their psych meds like that I think it was a bad idea but you know it worked for me I got off them and I'm perfect L fine I'm I'm the same I was when I was on them if not I'm a little bit more like here um so yeah I mean that's that was my story from last time to right
now and you're and you seem happier oh yeah I'm this is the first time I've been genuinely happy in my life at least like I mean even when I was on drugs like there was times when I was happy but it wasn't genuine you know it was like caused by the substance so yeah I'm really happy now looking back at your past years what what do you what do you see about your state of mind your thinking um I think that I really kept a victim mentality like I felt so bad for myself and something
I realized in rehab was like everyone here has gone through the same or not worse [ __ ] than me and it really put it into perspective for me like I felt so bad for myself like every day like thinking like how could how could God let this happen to me all this stuff and like you know like everyone's gone through [ __ ] like I've gone through some pretty intense stuff but a lot like 99% of the people in rehab I was with had also gone through pretty intense stuff if not worse so I
think the perspective change is what really helped um I stopped looking at myself as a victim and looking at myself as blessed because we had to do a gratitude list every day so um I realized like how blessed I am to like get this opportunity and like to have loving parents and like a sister who's like always supported me and good friends and um your family seems great yeah they there yeah my dad took a long time to like finally be like we're done and um to be honest like I would say I wish he
did it sooner but like you know like I think it happened exactly the way it was supposed to I'm really happy with my life right now and you know I think if it happened in California it wouldn't it wouldn't have been the same like I'm happy it happened exactly the way it did but yeah my family's been amazing through all this what do you think the original cause of all of this self-destructiveness was I think I mean it was a few things like um you know like I have depression and I have trouble socializing and
um it was but as an addict you know like something they say is like like I I never felt comfortable in my own skin and when I used like I finally felt like I could live and that's how it really was with me like you know like I I always felt uncomfortable especially around people and when I would use I would just be able to like live and I'd feel comfortable in my own skin and um eventually it became to self-medicate to cope with pain I was in you know I've gone through some trauma like
I've lost friends to Suicide um I've had some sexual trauma um and just just not being a happy kid so like there was there was quite a few reasons but I think the the number one reason is because I'm an addict and that's just what addicts do were there addicts in your family yes um not on my dad's side but on my mom's side um both of her brothers have died of the addiction um her her one brother died of an uh a heroin overdose and her other brother died of alcoholism related complications so I'm
really happy that I didn't you know end up that way because it sucked looking back like obviously at the time I probably didn't think about it but looking back it sucks like that I did that to my grandparents having them have to see me go down the exact same path that their two sons did I I can't imagine what that did to them either so um yeah I'm just really happy that I get to make them proud finally I I'll ask you two questions that you can answer them like as one or you can choose
which one to answer what advice would you give to somebody who's going through what you're going through or what advice would you give to a family of somebody who's going through what you're went what you went through um okay so to someone going through what I'm going through um I would say to you know just give it a chance like give sobriety a chance like I think like you know like at the end of the day like you can always you can always go back to using drugs like if if if your life is shitty
or sober which I I don't think that will happen um you can always just go back to using drugs but like you know give it like a year like get sober like go through the withdraws like however you got to do it it's going to be hard but like it's so so worth it I promise you like anyone who's gotten sober like yeah we still go through problems but we're going to tell you our life's 100 times better and um so give it a chance and just see where your life goes like I think like
you'll be very pleasantly surprised with where it ends up and then for a family um I would say you know support them emotionally but don't don't enable it like if they're living with you as hard as it is like obviously if they're a minor it's different but I would say as hard as it is like tell them like hey you can't using drugs in my house and um if you want to get sober I'll support you but if you don't like you got to do it somewhere else and uh you know obviously I'm not an
expert but I think that is that's what I was taught in rehab like you can't you can't be a safety net for them you can't support them like you know if they want to go to rehab you have be there for them but like and you can still be there for them when they're in their addiction but don't financially support them don't house them you know stuff like that and I know that might seem very like very harsh but that's what I was taught and like usually that's when people end up wanting help because if
they're still living at their family's house and you know they're supported they don't have any reason to want help really everything's already provided for them so like why would they why would they seek help when you know you have to reach Rock Bottom um so I think that's important think your Rock Bottom was pretty low yeah um what were you doing for money at your Rock Bottom um illegal activities yeah um I don't really want to get too far into it but um yeah yeah I mean I I never did anything that crazy like I
never did any sexual things for money I'm very happy I didn't you're lucky but you know like I think if I got desperate enough and I had no other way it might have been something I did um withdraw is such a terrible thing and I think a lot of people would do absolutely just to give a little perspective when the W what I've learned is when the withdraws are so when withdrawals are so unbelievably difficult yeah that you'll do anything absolutely I probably would probably would have killed someone yeah honestly like if I knew I
could if I knew I wasn't going to get caught if I was given the opportunity for to get well if I end this person's life I probably would have done it you know like like you said I think people would do anything to get out of that because it's honestly the worst experience I've ever gone through in my life by far nothing is compared to it I'd rather I broke my leg and I broke a few bones I would rather snap my leg in half than go through withdrawals 100% of the time really yeah and
also um after you know when I was in my sober living I uh I crashed into a wall on an electric bike my face got smashed in um like I to like get facial reconstructor surgery and there's a scar right here from like they had to open my face up when was this it was in November I think so since we saw you last yeah yeah when I was in sober living and um and I didn't take any painkillers like for my my face was smashed in they had to do facial like it was like
a dent right here in my face it like a metal plate now and they had to do facial reconstructive surgery and like close up the wounds and all that and I didn't take any painkillers um and I think that's like you know it's not always the same for everyone like some people can I guess but I think it's better for me that I don't just no drugs whatsoever OB I I um I take caffeine when I go to work like I the reason I say don't I don't drink coffee is cuz I take a caffeine
pill um it's just cheaper for me and I vape and I smoke cigarettes but I think it's a far better alternative like the analogy I came up with today actually is uh that fentol is like a 50 cal and like like cigarettes are like a BB gun it's a really different in comparison mhm all right Jake thank you so much for sharing your story you're welcome it's nice to get a positive one once in a while yeah you look great thank you all right thank you very much yeah even though soft white underbelly consists of
a lot of videos It's really still a photography project to me and if you appreciate the photography sometimes it's difficult to enjoy it when it's scrolling down the screen which is the only option I had in this horizontal format on uh on YouTube so last year we came out with the first soft white underbelly book which is a collection of the best portraits from the thousands of interviews I've done each port portrait in this book is accompanied by an interesting quote from the person's interview oh my God there's more wow these aren't as bad as
I thought I look like a witch I will not be reprinting this book when it sells out so once it's gone it's gone for good you can order yours at softw under. org $125 $150 for a sign copy and thank you for watching
