okay so you've been through a breakup with a fearful avoidant attachment style and find yourself wondering did they regret going through the breakup how did they actually feel and maybe even more so you're wondering if after the breakup they felt like they wanted to come back and it can feel very frustrating because fearful avoidance can seem like they are so all in at one point of the relationship and then they can pull back so extremely fast and go ice cold leaving you feeling abandoned confused and even sometimes frustrated well if you don't know what triggers
a fearful avoidant to go through a breakup and actually be able to stay away from their ex then you may find yourself holding on to false hope or just feeling frustrated and Confused throughout your healing process so in today's video I am going to take you through specifically how fearful avoidance experience a breakup and how to know when they regret breaking up because there tends to be specific signs and symptoms of if they regret it also if you're new to this channel my name is taes Gibson I am a coach counselor and founder of the
personal development school and I've been working in the field of psychology attachment Theory and relationships for more than the past decade and if you don't know what attachment Theory and attachment styles are they are basically the study of how your childhood affects your adult romantic relationships but also friendships and familial relationships and every single person has an attachment style and there are four of them and I will put a little graph right here so you can see the four different ones just in case you're new to this okay so let's talk about the fearful avoidant
and dive into seeing if they regret the breakup one of the first things that you need to know is that fearful avoidant attachment Styles they really shift from feeling anxious to avoidant and that shift can happen very quickly and very abruptly and when the fearful avoidant themselves is in that space of feeling avoidance and feeling anxious it feels like that is the entire relationship it feels like that is their reality that they're experiencing they sort of lose context for the middle ground and the reason for this is because of how much trauma is often stored
emotionally at the subconscious level of mind so let's unpack that a little bit further your subconscious mind is like a big Warehouse it stores everything it consolidates memories over time things shift a little bit over time but as a general rule you're really garnering a lot of emotional storage around things that deeply impacted you so if in childhood for example you had a lot of experiences of your trust being challenged or broken or feeling not good enough or feeling unloved or whatever it might be if you have a lot of experiences of that your subconscious
mind in that warehouse has many many cabinets full of that feeling and what this essentially means is that when you get triggered this is what a trigger is a trigger is that your subconscious mind is also a bit bit of an association making machine and it's trying to use your past experiences to sort of navigate your present and future and well really you're present but what happens is when when somebody let's say in your adult life makes you feel unloved your subconscious mind goes oh what's this all about what other experiences do we have of
being unloved and it sort of opens those filing cabinets in the warehouse and all of those feelings of unloved pour out right and and so the experience of a trigger is that something in your present moment now now is reminding you of past and your subconscious mind is opening up those St associations and the more associations you have there the more strongly you're going to feel your experience so in other words if you have a lot of experiences of things that made you feel avoidant like you need to pull back protect push people away to
stay safe feeling hurt by other people then when somebody makes you feel those things in your adult life you go into that really avoided mode because all of that emotion's online and with strongly stored emotions we have these innate coping mechanisms that we've developed so if when you felt betrayed you would push back and push people away if a lot of betrayal comes up you push people back a lot and push people away a lot on the flip side if when you felt a a fear of Abandonment you would hold on tight so because fearful
went in the moment their emotions are so strong around things because there's so much stuff there in the warehouse um to to essentially feel when they're in this anxious experience they think like this is the person there's nobody else out there for me like I need this to work when they're in their avoid ins side they're like I never want to see this person again I don't care this is it I don't want to deal with this person and when those feelings come online they're so strong and something that I've seen fful vo to experience
all the time um which I think is really hard for the fearful avoidant which I know is really hard because I once was a fearful avoidant is sometimes your experience is so real at the time that later on when you come out of that trigger mode you're like oh maybe I don't feel all of that stuff and when it comes to breakup specifically I've generally seen this take place in two major ways one way is when you're really triggered you feel like oh my goodness I this person is the source of my pain the reality
is the the storage is more of the source of your pain um though people can absolutely be a big source of pain um it's generally like whatever's happening in front of you combined with all this storage is the source the pain and that person's kind of like the Catalyst for the pain um and but at the time the subconscious again remember it's an association making machine so it's not like oh you know it's my own internal baggage that's the source of the pain it's it's no no this person is bringing all this stuff up for
me and I need this person to get as far away from me as possible as a strategy to get get away from all of this pain that I'm experiencing and it's a really intense experience a lot of the time and so you push somebody really far away way because you're trying to keep yourself safe and protected you're trying to get rid of all this pain that you're feeling that you can't that the mind doesn't realize until we have like research and context for these things um the mind doesn't realize like how much there is more
to that pain at a deeper level right and and that's the beautiful thing about like when we start to understand the subconscious mind is that all these things like I I know I used the word baggage a moment ago like it is a good word in a way because it's stuff that you're carrying that isn't yours to carry and it's stuff that you've been imprinted with because of your past traumatic experiences generally whether that's huge scale trauma or smaller scale trauma but on a more consistent basis that's that's not your fault right like those are
imprints that you had if you feel unloved betrayed um trapped helpless whatever it is powerless um if whatever fears are coming up you were imprinted with those they were put into your subconscious mind probably by circumstances you didn't really want to happen um and while they're not your fault they're your responsibility to heal unless you want to keep feeling that way and and um taking responsibility is one of the greatest freedoms you'll ever have because it allows you to like actually delete these things out and live a life without a lot of those fears having
to come up so much um if at all so with that being said how this relates to the breakup is there's remember I said there's two ways way number one is yes when a fearful woman is so triggered they may threaten to leave a relationship or break up with a relationship because they're just trying to get out of that pain and they think if I push this person really really really far away I won't have to hurt like this and so the subconscious mind is just trying to protect from all of what's going on and
in that case often times a fearful avoidant when they feel more calm after does regret a breakup because they're going wait that's not what I actually wanted that's what I was trying to do from this like survival mode when I didn't know how to deal with how much I was feeling and then often we'll see fearful into a lot of guilt sometimes shame um and it can be really difficult to go through that experience so that's one way and in that way yes your vo definitely regret breaking up I mean sometimes there's like an actual
incident where somebody did something terrible and then you push the person away and it was like the right thing right and and I always said to fful WIS in my practice when I was working with so many is I would always say to people it's never wrong to want to get rid of a a person in your life if it's not working right like we have a divine right to be able to say okay this isn't working it's not healthy it's not good it's not working out but what we really want to be mindful of
as a fearful avoidant is that we're making that decision from a regulated place so you want to know that you made that decision like when you woke up in the morning and nothing else was going on and you want to know that you would have felt that way throughout the day you don't want to make that decision at this peak moment of emotion because then it's other stuff driving the truth of that decision rather than your actual needs and decision and desire and if your actual needs if you're like this really isn't working out I
don't feel good about it and you feel that way the whole day without there being a fight or an argument or something that's spurring or sparking that emotion then that's when you know it's your truth right it's not fear in the moment it's truth it's how you actually feel when you're not triggered um so it's a really important differentiator there so the second thing I'll say actually say one other thing first if you are if you resonate with this if this is like you as a fearful w attachment cell and you're like oh my goodness
I'm sick of doing this I relate to this um please come check out PDS like you can check it for free for seven days really truly like I'm I the reason that that's very valuable is because I give you these like 10-minute videos and try to like show up and and share and and do 7 10minute videos but the courses are like broken down they're 100 times better than the videos like they're they're broken down with exact steps exact exact strategies they're all like an hour and a half to three hours long so they're like
you know you can finish one in a week um but they're really clear and direct and they can just go so much deeper than I can in a video so um I would highly recommend if you want to check it out do the fearful avoidant reprogramming course um and do the emotional Mastery and belever programming course it's such a powerful course for fearful avoidance um and you can check them both out for free for seven days you can check out the whole platform for for using the link below so anyways I know that probably a
lot of you guys coming in here are also watching watching this video um specifically because you were broken up with with a fearful avoidant and um you know I think it's maybe helpful to know that hey that's what's going on because it helps you to not take it so personally right it's like not about you not being good enough that the person did this it's about them being so triggered right it's not about you not doing well or being bad or being you know unworthy or something like that which is our mind is also quick
to give meaning right when somebody when something doesn't go our way when we don't get the job when we don't get the person we want when somebody breaks up with us like oh I'm going to be abandoned I'm going to be alone I'm Unworthy of a loving relationship like our mind gives really painful meaning to things again actually based on the storage that we have in our cabinets um as mentioned earlier um but you know it can helpful be helpful to sort of see outside of this sometimes and to understand what's really going on so
we see oh this is actually about that person it's not about me um not being something right so we don't have to like diminish our own self-worth because of somebody else's actions the emotional Mastery belief reprogramming course or how to heal from a breakup course are really great courses too um if you're on the receiving end of a breakup anyways the second big reason fearful vs break up and in this case they sometimes regret and sometimes don't but usually do regret a little bit later on um is that fearful avoidant are not good at communicating
their needs and they usually don't even realize they're not communicating their needs usually fearful avoidance only communicate their needs out of frustration they usually never proactively communicate their needs in relationship unless they're very small things that they don't feel vulnerable about and so what you'll often see is that a fearful avoidant will not communicate not communicate not communicate and be kind of like in their anxious side earlier on in relationships and so will often be people pleasing and sometimes self- violating their own boundaries um like really prioritizing that other person's needs over their own essentially
and then there will be this buildup of their needs not being met and then eventually they'll hit this Tipping Point and be like this is not the right relationship and generally when this happens fearful w will go cold we pull away we'll leave the relationship and will often not even realize maybe forever if they've never worked on themselves or anything like that or learned about attachment Theory or or had the chance to really develop like insight into some of these things but sometimes they won't even realize that hey a big part of that might have
been different had you communicated your needs had you just communicated your needs you might have felt more considered that person might have actually shown up really well and this is like one of the biggest things I saw working with people is like how often FAS would think my needs will never be met so why bother and then they would start doing the work and sharing their needs with people and it would transform their relationships in a really beautiful way and so in this case when we have this Tipping Point fa who has this sort of
Tipping Point and the breakup seems to come out of the blue sometimes we'll see the fa like regret the breakup later on if they have insight into like oh I didn't communicate my needs or sometimes Miss certain needs that were being met by a partner even if it was just like Baseline needs like for connection or for fun or novelty or things that maybe the fa wasn't communicating like hey I need to feel supported and it looks like XY z um or hey I want us to take a turn paying for things or whatever it
is like things they didn't share um but in that case they'll just miss those Baseline needs but usually it's after six weeks or so usually it's not an immediate regret I would say the timeline is generally about four to 6 weeks um first the fa feels free because they feel free of this woman sided relationship that sometimes is really important if you are in FA to recognize you may have a certain amount of responsibility in that one-sided relationship if you weren't sharing your needs and communicating your boundaries the reason I say that is definitely not
to blame the fa if you felt like you in a one-sided relationship but so that if you were in that situation you have the room to grow through that right to not have to be in that position again or to be in like relationship after relationship that feels that way when there's something you could do to actually change that potential outcome um and sometimes people will will not meet your needs when you communicate them right but then at least you know you're in the wrong relationship um because it's not two ways right so in that
case generally FAS will sometimes miss their ex things like that at about the four to sixth week Mark um sometimes a little earlier too depending on a variety of different factors um but whether somebody misses somebody and whether somebody wants to rekindle and both parties are willing to show up and put in the work and facilitate change together are are two very different things I have exciting news to share with you today and it is that to celebrate the personal development school's 5-year anniversary we are offering 40% off of your first month to our all
access pass plus you can enjoy 20% off of my newest book called learning love both of which are all about how to change your attachment style to become securely attached so whether you are looking to improve your relationships personally grow or just develop a lot of emotional Mastery over the way that you now is the perfect time to start but hurry because this offer won't last long so head over to the link below to join today so keep that in mind um anyways I hope this makes sense I hope this gives you some context and
insight into things and thank you so much for watching this channel thank you all for your amazing comments and shares and questions and um I see a lot of really cool stuff in here sometimes so um even like people supporting each other on here so thank you and um please subscribe if you enjoy this content and thank you for watching and I'll see you in tomorrow's video
