well well well they said it couldn't be done but here I am a guy talking to a camera on YouTube so it's no secret that the internet seems to be getting worse especially this video this is just awful so far but also the rest of the internet like Facebook used to be a really good place to share a full photo album of one night out at a bar assuming someone had brought a digital camera that's right I don't want to brag but I'm pretty old now Facebook is just a place for people in neighborhood groups
to be like whose cat is this that I found he seems wellfed and has a collar and for some reason I felt like I needed to do something about that oh okay cool thank you neighbor I'll hug a heart to that whatever that means wait is this Emoji meant to be a request for a cardiac massage cuz if so I've ignored a lot of requests for help anyway one of the things that grinds my gourds the most is the state of google.com what used to be the destination website for goggle enthusiasts with dyslexia became a
pretty great search engine it used to be that you can just go to Google and ask a question like hey how many nipples are there in the world and it would give you the correct answer which is at least 20 you know you would Google it it became its own verb like hey I'll Xerox that document for you or hey when we go drag racing later I'm going to Nissan Ultima the crap out of you but when you Google something now it's like it gives you everything except what you're looking for I made a sketch
about this a couple of years ago and since then I have to say they've made a few changes and it's not gotten better is going in the wrong direction now I'm not a Google expert by any means I'm just a regular old neurosurgeon roet scientist SL bodybuilder slma model but I am aware that the internet exists and as someone barely qualified I feel qualified to rant about this sponsored stuff I don't know how old you are we just met but if you're of a certain age you might remember when Google used to put their little
ads off to the side so you can look at it and be like well that's an ad because that not where the results go and therefore I am aware of the ad nature of that ad now they are just the first results and they are made to look like the first results except for a little sponsored tag which I'm sure all our grandparents are great at noticing in recent years Google decided if someone types something into our search bar that suggests they might be on the market for something they're going to have to scroll a
while before they see something that's not paid for and guess what when they scroll down to something that's not a straightup ad somebody probably still paid to have that there more more on that later so how are we supposed to find unbiased opinions opinions untainted by money switching hands if I'm being honest ideally I don't want my results anywhere near a taint well it's easy all you got to do is look past the little Carousel of companies that have paid to be a part of a slideshow and past the other people have asked section and
past the popular product section and past the map section and pass a section where Google says you are the product your data fuels us your habits enrich us you don't use us we use you I at least respect that section for being honest then past all that stuff we can find some actual humans that have some answers for us assuming we typed in the word Reddit at the end of our search I know a lot of us do that we add the word Reddit so that it brings us to actual people talking about the thing
we're looking to learn about and that sometimes does work pretty well but if you'll indulge me some black and whiteness and some Sinister music I have a little conspiracy theory about that what is the thing that sucks about Reddit 3 million different things sure but the one notorious one is their search function if you've ever tried to search something on Reddit you know that what happens is not a page of results but rather a hand coming out of your monitor polter guy style and slapping you for even trying and my conspiracy theory is that Google
is paying Reddit to keep their search crappy so they can be the middleman and show some ads on your way to the correct Reddit page we already know that they pay Apple like $0 billion a year to be the main search engine in Safari on Apple products tell us the truth thread it how much are they paying you to avoid any self-improvement but another thing that has just gotten worse over the years is just the state of actual Google results once you get past all the crap that they throw in the way remember earlier when
I said more on that later now we are later and there there is more s e o search engine optimization one of my first jobs out of University like 14 years ago was as an SEO analyst for a digital performance marketing agency analyst was a really big word cuz I was an analy anzing anything but I think they gave it to me cuz it looked good in an email signature oh this guy analyzes stuff but my whole job was reaching out to bloggers and paying them to include hyperlinks to our clients websites using specific keywords
that are strategist and predetermined doing this would help our clients rank higher in Google searches regardless if they were actually the better results so for the sake of an example that still lets me say something silly say our client sold soccer balls I would reach out to bloggers ideally relating to Sports in some way and offer to pay to either write an article in which they can naturally work in a keyword and Link or just plug a link into an existing article on their site so for the soccer ball company we might want to hyperlink
to their website using the keywords best balls and we would do this over and over again with as many bloggers as we could find to plug the words best balls as a link to our client so our clients would rank a little bit higher on what I assume was a very competitive keyword cuz you're not just going up against like sports equipment stores but also like adult film Awards so all that to say that gaming the Google algorithm has been a thing for a very long time those top spots are incredibly valuable cuz no one's
going to page two what are we insane that means that brands are paying a lot to be the first thing that you see when you Google balls and other products too I imagine I didn't work in SEO for very long so I can only imagine what that industry looks like now I can only assume that things have gone up the deep end and Google what how is Google supposed to give us results if everyone's trying to game its algorithm it's like when a boss completely surrounds themselves with yes men and they completely lose the plot
like how are they supposed to know what's real and what's not so yeah that was already the state of Google search in recent years but then the S really hit the f I feel the need to censor the F part of that expression now cuz Kendrick Lamar taught me what that stands for good old artificial intelligence went mainstream and everybody went all in all at once personally I think there are a couple of cool little AI tools that can be used here and there but every major company making it central to their platforms with seemingly
no strategy has made for what I like to call poopy crap poop basically because search results weren't low enough on the page already Google now has its AI look around the internet first and take up most of the page and try to solve your problem or whatever and hey just like it's weird peer Apple intelligence it's not really good at its job this person Googled how many rocks should I consume each day Google answered that eating at least one small rock per day is recommended o I'm sorry the correct answer was zero zero rocks per
day was what we were looking for Devil's advocates animal fact though crocodiles do need to swallow rocks to grind up their food in their stomach so maybe it was a crocodile Googling this crocodiles usually prefer Bing but they Google stuff sometimes I've seen them do it hey Google AI can I use gasoline in a recipe okay so my answer is no don't ever ever do that for sure let's see what Google AI says though gasoline can be used in some cooking recipes no no no no no maybe the problem is that AI knows that we
eat Taco Bell and drink Red Bull and it's like you know what maybe some rocks and gas would clear that system up maybe let's try that it can't get any worse in there let's try like a hard reset or maybe Google's just checking its own image section and seeing that there are kind of a lot of results for drinking from gas nozzle why are there so many pictures of people doing this now arguably if you're Googling dumb questions you shouldn't be shocked to get dumb answers but Google AI is also not very good at real
questions here's someone who couldn't get their cheese to stick to their pizza so they Googled cheese won't stick to Pizza which I think was a pretty reasonable thing for someone in their situation to do but again I'm just a male model so what do I know a little more than Google AI apparently because it said yeah yeah yeah yeah you can mix about an eighth of a cup of non-toxic glue like Elmer school glue into the sauce to add tackiness that is just ridiculous Elmer's glue is kids glue that'll never hold you got to use
Crazy Glue if you really want that cheese to stick and then you staple the pepperoni laminate the whole thing and you've got yourself a dinner now I'm sure you're wondering hey does Google AI have an opinion on the societal benefits of nuclear war it does and it makes a pretty good argument for it actually it says a nuclear apocalypse could have scientifically proven benefits including radiation increasing DNA mutations which can be passed on to offspring and accelerate Evolution listen I would love to have a chameleon tongue that could shoot across the room and grab any
bug I want but at what cost another benefit according to Google's AI is no more freaking immigrants oh I hadn't thought of that reducing countries to radiated wastelands would make it difficult to reloc but look like a lot of AI platforms Google AI is still in its infancy and it's going to get better and it's going to try to poison us less and less there are bright days ahead my friend after all Google's official code of conduct says don't be evil and that's something reassuring that we can hold on to and know we're in good
hands wait they removed that 7 years ago why would a website remove the words don't be evil from their code of conduct let's Google it I guess blah blah oh cuz it was hard to not be evil I get it and I feel better now everything's going to be fine hi there hello please hit that subscribe button I am a disembodied head so you can trust me you can trust me
