6 things you can count on a narcissist to say

hi everyone it's Dr Romney welcome back to this YouTube channel on narcissism narcissistic relationships and healing from these relationships so I am going to talk about something that we're actually going to give you a link to get more information but I'm going to talk about six things that you can count on a narcissistic person to say now this inspiration for this comes from an article I wrote for MSNBC so the link to the full article I wrote is in the show notes so you can have that because I build on things differently in that article

but thought I'd share some of this this here too let's go from the top on these because once you hear these you may feel a little more sane and say okay it's not me but I'm also going to clarify you may have said some of these things and let you know why just saying these things does not the narcissist make so number one is that they might say to you or likely to say to you I don't want to make this about me but so then just don't narcissistic people melt when they cannot be the

focus of a conversation so even when you are talking about something that is so clearly about someone else their trip their problem their new car their dog or job or whatever it's just hard for them to listen to you or someone else just share but and here is that reminder that narcissistic people do know what the right way to communicate is I know some of you are cringing and thinking but I've said this before I've said those very words does that make me a narcissistic person not at all this one phrase does again not a

narcissistic person make it is this phrase embedded in a much larger picture of low empathy and entitlement and grandiosity and arrogance and validation seeking you know the drill if that other stuff is not you then that may be an attempt that actually you're ensuring that you aren't insinuating yourself into what someone is saying and making sure that the other person is still heard but for narcissistic people they tend to be able to posture or attempt to posture as being empathic and self-aware look at me I know I'm not supposed to make it about me but

then they really do personally I did run into this recently in someone narcissistic I had to have dinner with because of work and he said this literally this like I I I don't want to make it about me and yes he did want to make it about me I would have preferred him being honest so I could have just sort of tuned in differently conversational hijacking is a signature narcissistic move and it is intolerable for them to listen to another person if you are merely offering a perspective that you then tie into the other person

that's not narcissistic if you say that and then speak solely about your experience and don't tie it to the other person then that's a problem here's the second thing I'm sorry you feel that way I'm sorry you feel that way this is not an apology this is a manipulation let's make it simple and just say I am sorry done then if you want to do it really right you say I am sorry for being late I am sorry for not showing up I am sorry for sleeping with your best friend be clear on what you're

apologizing for because that shows accountability but the narcissistic person will use the apology as a way of gaslighting you saying that they are sorry you feel that way is like saying well that's a silly feeling or an unnecessary feeling who would choose that one that's a bad choice of emotion they're not taking accountability or responsibility again this style of pseudo-apology does not a narcissistic person make but when someone does hit you with this step back out of the conversation and recognize this person's limitations the third is why are you doing this to me one of

the greatest challenges of a narcissistic relationship is there constant ability to turn themselves into a victim this lovely phrase may be a response to you saying things like hey can we talk about what happened last night or I need some more help with the kids or we need to talk about who is going to help Mom this weekend a simple inquiry or request becomes interpreted by narcissistic people as an attack a targeted one as though your request asking them to do something very basic is an all-out assault and notice how this is often said why

are you doing this to me even if the thing you are doing is merely speaking or telling them that you're going to the store it's not just why are you doing that but why are you doing it to me because of course they are the sun in their lives everything orbits around them actually why are you doing this to me is a pointless question to ask anyone most people are not in touch with their motivations for why they do what they do and even if they were would not share it either for reasons of not

wanting to hurt someone or for legal reasons for example in the workplace where you aren't allowed to tell someone that they are certifiably stupid but in most cases people who are hit with the why are you doing this to me comment aren't doing anything to the person they are doing something and the permanent victimhood of just about all narcissistic people leads them to twist that statement A good rule to remember is just don't ever ask that and say that to anyone why are you doing this to me number four is I just don't have time

for this narcissistic people actually do think that they are better than you busier than you and more important than you so if what you are saying to them or even your mere existence doesn't work for them they definitely do not have time for you it's a contemptuous toss-off any silly concern you are bringing they don't have time for it a busy person who is a decent person would say I want to hear more I am running into a meeting thanks for sharing I look forward to it I'm so sorry I can't be here longer it's

just a way of showing the other person you see them and to validate them for a minute now this I don't have time for this will often come up if you want to do something that the narcissistic person doesn't want to participate in for example have a difficult conversation or an emotional conversation or basically anything that doesn't work for them it could even be that you want to share a story about someone who is doing better than them I have to tell you this amazing deal my brother-in-law got into the narcissistic person may say I

don't have time for this because the thing you are saying to them is an ego threat listen lots of us genuinely don't have time for other people but there are Kinder ways of stepping out so unless you are saying this is a gen this is a genuine joke not a passive aggressive one I have to say I did say this yesterday when my sister was telling me a ridiculous story about a family member and I said oh no I do not have time for this but there was a twinkle in my eye and it was

meant to just be a oh no not again such silly people that is not what this is about when a narcissistic person says it the fifth thing is I hope you know who you're messing with the narcissistic person only feels safe when they are the most dominant person in the room they have to be the person that people are intimidated by a little scared of with the power but then they say it out loud many many years ago I was dealing with a terrifying malignant narcissist he might have possibly even Psychopathic he was an absolutely

horrifically bad person and he hadn't liked something I had said it wasn't just was just didn't like it and I was at a random place with my family and he came up behind me when nobody was around happened to be around and around me to hear what he was going to say he said I hope you know who you're messing with and then actually sometime later he called me and threatened me with that too I was very scared at the time he had money and power he had a very scary family I have to tell

you the whole thing ruined my life for almost a year I happened to be dating a narcissistic person at the time and he ended the relationship because he was scared of the guy so and had no problem leaving me to twist in the wind or be harmed so at least I dumped that dead weight of a narcissist and dodged that but this guy he did actually did a lot of harm to my life and my mental health and of course he faced absolutely no consequences except he does have to live forever as him which is

its own form of curse but the phrase stuck with me and was echoed dozens of times by my clients who were managing narcissistic relationships over the years Menace is the signature of the malignant narcissistic person and in all seriousness if somebody says this to you you take whatever protections you need to take you may not even be in physical danger but legal danger there may be harm to your reputation or livelihood there may be smear campaigns for me it was all of the above in my situation and when I consulted with an attorney it was

simply told there was simply no legal remedies to this so this is why the narcissistic people do get away with a lot of harmful stuff I actually think he ended up moving on to more interesting victims after he was done with me and all of that said most times when narcissistic people say something like this they just like the power they derive from saying it this phrase isn't a red flag it's an air raid siren it's unacceptable it's ridiculous and it is cruel the number six thing they'll say is it's not fair somewhere around first

grade this should have already been learned by you one kid will get more frosting on his cupcake another child will get to be the Kickball Captain twice and yet another gets the purple bike you wish you had gotten for your birthday at least I had to integrate a lot of that kind of stuff by first grade and intellectually healthy adults an emotionally healthy adults know life isn't fair and the fact is though unfairness and Injustice feel terrible but healthy adults manage it in some cases we get depressed in others we try to make change and

yet others we radically accept and can find ways out of the unfair situation but to a narcissistic person if they do not get their way it's always unfair but not getting our way doesn't feel good but it's not always is unfair yet in the entitled Universe of a narcissistic person they basically believe I should always get my way I should always get to be happy and always have life the way I want it and any day it doesn't line up like that for them it's not fair you yourself could be struggling deeply far far worse

than them but the first time they perceive any kind of inequity I don't know maybe you got the better muffin at the coffee shop not fair none of this is fair and I do this work on narcissism and narcissistic relationships not to make things more fair no one could do that but I think all the fairness we can hope for is that we could just make things a little bit more clear now if you are wondering okay so if I keep hearing this kind of stuff or these kinds of responses from someone I suspect is

toxic what do I do will go to that article where I have the tips on what to do that's a little bonus sitting in there click the link in the video notes read the article not only will you learn all this but you'll also learn some handy dandy ways to cope with when people face you with these kinds of phrases thanks again