There's a reason that this dream is in my heart. In the moments that I've been able to work through that and then create the thing that my heart or my soul really wanted me to create. It was so fun!
Marie Forleo is a leader. One of the top life coaches on the planet. A wolfing entrepreneur.
She's an extraordinary woman Marie Forleo. . .
Marie Forleo. Hey, what's up, it's Marie Forleo, and welcome to another episode of The Marie Forleo podcast and MarieTV. The place to be to create a business and a life you really love.
And this is what we like to call Q&A Tuesday. And today's question comes from Damien. My question is about the inner critic, really.
It's about that voice? I'm sure you know, the one that goes well. Who are you to do that?
The voice of potentially could stop you. Stop you from coming out of your comfort zone. Stop you from doing anything new.
Yes, by the way, I have our whole MarieTV crew here right now. And I just by a show of hands, and also by saying yes, you guys. How many people identify with having the inner critic that tries to stop you from doing anything?
Or moving forward on ideas? Say yes. Oh, Yes!
! ! So all of us, as you know, Damien, so and myself, too.
You know, there's that beautiful adage that says, "Whatever you resist persists and grow stronger. " And I've found that to be true in my life, you know, especially when it comes to the inner critic to tell it to shush or to go away, or, you know, to kind of be harsh. With any part of myself, at least for me.
Doesn't seem to work. The second thing that I wanted to share with you… that's been really helpful for me. When I get lost in that inner critic, or when it gets really loud, or it feels overwhelming.
I try and remember that it's almost like a compassionate alarm clock. And what that alarm clock is signaling to me is that I am stuck in my head. And I have removed myself from being engaged in the present moment.
And I think that for most of us if we're idle too long, the mind takes over. And it can seduce us with all kinds of fun things like, oh, maybe you should try this. Or maybe you could think about going in this direction, or this might be adventuresome for you.
And then all of a sudden, it changes and it's like, You're too old for that. You're not talented enough. That's not going to work out.
People are gonna laugh at you. So the mind tends to have this seductive quality. And my partner, Josh, who i’ve had been with for 20 years, he has a great thing that he often teaches his students, he teaches something called, Committed Impulse.
And he's like, if you listen to the mind long enough, eventually it all tells us the same thing that we suck. If you're not fully engaged in actual producing of the work at hand, whether it's being in your garden, cooking a meal, creating that next project, writing that song, painting, that painting. .
. The energy, if it's not in your body, or in the presence, goes up here, and within three to four minutes, you will get to the inner critic telling you that you suck. So recognizing that you're listening to it.
I love what Eckhart Tolle teaches so beautifully and simply. You have a mind but you are not your mind. And to be able to have the awareness that you are listening to what I like to call WKRAP FM.
Crap Radio, on repeat. Oh, okay, thanks for sharing, but I'm going to take that energy, I'm going to take that attention away from this thing. And I'm going to put it back in the wisdom of this thing of my body.
I'm gonna go out for a walk. I'm gonna listen to music. I'm going to start making that salad.
I'm going to do whatever it is that gets me re-engaged in real life rather than my thoughts about my life. Because those again, they could be nice for four minutes or so. But five or six minutes, it's all bad news.
I love that, thanks for sharing. Yes. I really latched onto that.
I think that's terrific! Yeah! Yes, and absolutely, separating yourself from your mind.
You can change the radio station. So that analogy works for me. And the other notion of just the thanks for sharing like the was like a little jujitsu of like bringing that energy in and then being like matrix and you know, going like this… And just kind of sideswiping it.
I'm curious, Damien. Just because you have such a beautiful light. You have such a beautiful soul.
You're clearly a lifelong learner. You're very creative. Is there something that you're interested in creating or stepping out to do next?
That has been exciting for you these days? Yeah. So yes, I'm busy right at the moment with a course.
Creating a course. And again, my critic says, "Who are you to create a course? " "Who are you to try and teach anyone.
" Yeah, but I feel like doing it anyway. Yes. I'm really interested in your copywriting course actually because that seems very aligned.
What you talk about there about finding your authentic voice and letting that free and yeah. If it aligns for you, yeah, come join us. And can you tell us our and you don't have to please don't feel pressured.
But for anyone, because I know people are gonna fall in love with you. Can you give us any insight into what your course might be about? Or the area or the topic that you're interested in exploring?
Yeah, it's about personal development. It's what I've learned myself in personal development. Going back to… Wow, when did I first go to Anthony Robbins, Unleash the Power?
So yes, I think I have, I've certainly got experience. And I certainly got things I would love to share. So.
. . I love that.
And I love the Spirit… when which you said… “I should just do it. ” Because it's, you know, we're here, in my opinion, relatively, for such a short time. And I know for myself, too, there's been so many years, when I've held myself back for fear of criticism or fear of thinking that I don't have the talent or that I don't have the smarts or I don't have the education.
Or I don't have the this, that and the other thing to be able to do something. And the moments that I've been able to work through that and then create the thing that my heart or my soul really wanted me to create it was so fun! It was so joyous!
It was so awesome! And I think, for me, every time I keep that perspective. Where, you know.
. . there's a reason that this dream is in my heart, there's a reason that I really want to create this.
And even if for nothing else, the joy of creation, the joy of knowing yourself as a creator who is able to take ideas and concepts and things that are unmanifest. And bring them into real life into reality for other people to interact with. That in and of itself, outside of money outside of fame, or accolades, is a miraculous experience.
And I saw that little glimmer in you, and you're like, I should just do it. And it's like, yes, Damien, we want you to just do it. Yes, even further to carry on with what you're saying.
. . even further.
I know a guy called Nick Williams. He's an author. He's written about 20 books.
But he talks about actually the pain of not sharing our gifts. And I think that's telling too. So it's Wow, there's the buzzer, of sharing your gifts.
But if you don't share your gifts, if you stifle yourself, then that's kind of a painful place to be in life. Absolutely. And you know who else I think we'll put a link to it in the show notes.
But if you haven't seen, we did a few, I think, episodes with a wonderful person named Steven Pressfield. And he has a great book called The War of Art. And he's another one of my favorite authors.
That every human contends with, and that all of us have to do a little bit of battle with resistance every single day. To sit down. And whether it's to write our book or our novel, or to write our course, or to start our nonprofit, or to create a new healthy habit or to let go of a unhealthy one.
That we all face, the resistance and the pain that comes when we don't actually move through resistance. So it's kind of similar to what you're saying. Damien, thank you so very much for your courage and for your commitment to learning and sharing.
And for overcoming that little bit of resistance, even to make a video and to ask so that we could have this beautiful connection today. Thank you so much. Well, thank you very much.
It's been a great pleasure to talk to you. I love your energy and enthusiasm and your sparkly nature. And I get a buzz from that.
So it's been… it's been lovely talking to you. I would love to know from you. What is the biggest insight or aha from this conversation?
And most importantly, how can you put that insight into action starting right now leave a comment below and let us know. And if you loved this episode, hit that like and subscribe button. It helps us reach more people in our beautiful community.
It really makes a huge difference. And of course, it ensures that you don't miss a thing. Until next time, Stay on your game, and keep going for your big dreams because the world really does need that very special gift that only you have.
Thank you so much for tuning in. And I'll catch you soon. We're not stopping there.
I've got a lot more tips to change your life coming up right now. Here's my Q: “I've recently discovered how much I love writing. It's a way to share my knowledge with other people.
But as a designer, I've never had any education in writing. So often, when I'm writing an article, I'll start thinking, Who am I to share this knowledge? Who am I to pretend I know it all?
And who am I to write this article? These thoughts can make me feel tired, take away my enthusiasm, and turn it into fear. Is there anything I can do to make these thoughts go away?
Do you have tips that I can practice the next time I write an article thank you so much. Lots of love from the Netherlands Alene. ” Great question, whether you're a beginner or you're a more seasoned pro.
I think all of us can have that thought, "You know what, who am I to write this? " That's called resistance. And it's probably why Ernest Hemingway drank so much.
You know what he probably needed this MarieTV. Maybe. .
. you need this MarieTV! ?
I see three things in your question. And yes, I have a tip for each. First, let's cover the insecurity that you have.
Because you're not a trained writer. Well you've gotta to know something. Neither am I.
I am a writer because I write. I've never actually had any formal training. I've just been doing it for years.
And when I first started, I gotta tell you, I was pretty darn bad. But there was one thought that really helped me out that I want to share with you right now. .
. Writing is just talking in text form. And most of us don't ever get talkers block, right?
When we got something to say we just say it. So that's tip number one, I want you to think about writing as just talking in text form and write how you talk. Second thing I want to address is this destructive association that you have between writing an article and that meaning you're a know-it-all.
That's the worst idea ever, if you want to create anything and share it with the world. Look, the people that we trust the most are people that are just honest about their learnings and their experiences. They give us research and statistics when it matters.
And of course, they cite their resources. So when you share something in the form of, "hey, look, here's something great I learned. And I think you'd love to know it too.
" Just say that it's awesome. And don't ever pretend to know it all. Because you don't!
None of us do. Instead use tip number two, which is the L. S.
C. method. It stands for learn, share and credit.
So when you learn something, if you want to share about it, that's awesome. If it was based on your own experience, that's all you got to do. But if you learn something from somewhere else, maybe another author, a website, a research study, just cite your sources.
It's all you got to do. So this way, you're not like, "Hey, look, I invented this. These are all my ideas.
" You're like, "Hey, look, I found something cool for you. And I really think you'd appreciate it. And here's why.
" Finally, let's address the real heart of this. You said that you love writing. And when you love doing something, and it brings you energy, and you want to do it more, you should do it more.
That means it's one of your gifts. It's one of your strengths. And you never know, it may be one of the reasons that you're here on earth.
No, I think you're here on Earth. Think about it this way. If you don't share all of these ideas in your writing, you're actually keeping your gifts from all of us.
Another way that I like to say it, is you're stealing from those who really need you most. So remember this last tip. And yes, it's a tweetable.
“When you're afraid to write, don't think who am I to say this? But who am I not to say this? ” Did you love that?
I know you did. And I've got even more coming up for you right now… “I'm really struggling with impostor syndrome. No matter how many people tell me I'm amazing.
And I've really helped them. No matter how much progress I make in my business in life, I still feel like it's all a fluke. And I actually suck and I should give up.
I know that's normal. Lots of people have it. But hey, all the more reason to ask for your help.
Got any tips? Thanks so much, Z. ” Z, my love?
Yes, yes, yes! This is a great question. You know, according to the International Journal of Behavioral Science, a whopping 70% of us suffer from impostor syndrome, or that feeling of being a total fraud.
So you're right, you are normal. And guess what? You're actually in very good company.
In fact, here are just a few people you might have heard of who can totally relate. Jennifer Lopez said, "Even though I had sold 70 million albums there, I was feeling like I'm no good at this. " Jodie Foster said, "When I won the Oscar, I thought it was a fluke.
I thought everybody would find out and they take it back. Excuse me, we meant to give that to someone else that was going to Meryl Streep. " Even the legendary Maya Angelou said, "I've written 11 books, but each time I think, Uh oh, they're going to find out now.
I've run a game on everybody, and they're going to find me out. " While this broad feeling impacts everyone, it tends to hit women the hardest. Why?
Because as women and members of other traditionally underrepresented groups, it's easy to look around and feel out of place or like we don't belong. And socially, we've been conditioned to self-deprecate and downplay our abilities. When we internalize that message that we're not the real deal.
We suffer major consequences and not just emotionally or mentally, but financially. I'm talking smaller careers and smaller bank accounts. That's why it's so so so important that we're talking about this.
So let's dive in with the six strategies to help you combat those negative effects of imposter syndrome. Strategy number one is share the shame. So most people who are high achievers feel this way, but never talk about it.
It's like this dirty little secret that everyone's afraid to admit. Now, I will tell you right now, I still feel this way. And I've been doing what I'm doing for almost two decades.
My friend Brene Brown says this. "As a shame researcher, I know that the very best thing to do in the midst of a shame attack is totally counterintuitive. Practice courage and reach out.
A-to-the-men Brene and amen to Z. For sharing with this question, you know why? Because shame always shrivels when you share it out loud.
So here's what to do to take this even further, what I want you to do is put a few people on speed dial for when that fraud festival comes to town, and it won't go away. These folks are your new #fraud squad. People who you can jump on a call with and just say something like, you know.
. . "Hey, guys, I'm feeling like I kind of suck right now.
Can you remind me why I don't. " Now naturally, you should be willing to return the favor. You want to be that person who's always lifting others up and reminding them of how great they are, especially when they can't see it for themselves.
Strategy number two, shine your light out, not in. Now, I did a whole episode about this idea that you should watch right after this one. And I will put a link below.
But here's the flashlight method. In a nutshell. Z, I want you to think about your attention, your mental and emotional and spiritual energy as a flashlight.
And that flashlight can only shine in one direction. So in any given moment that flashlight is either shining in on you, and how insecure you are and how much of a fraud you feel like or it's shining out. Where your attention is on your customer.
What they feel and what they need and want and most importantly, how you can help them. Now here's the cool part. When you're light is 100% focused on your customers or helping people.
You've got zero light shining in on you. That means you have zero attention on your fraud feelings, which means they practically disappear. So the next time you catch yourself feeling like a fraud, I want you to remember that you're probably shining your light on yourself, rather than directing it to where it can be most useful and most joyful, which is out on helping other people.
Strategy number three is start a hype file. Now you may have heard of a swipe file, and I'm suggesting that you start a hype file. This is a place where you can keep a running list of compliments and thank yous and any comments from people who've shared how you've helped them.
So the next time you're feeling like a fraud, all I want you to do, is open up that hype file. Marie is a living miracle. IF LOVING Marie is wrong, I don't want to be right.
Marie, the BEST show ever. I got your logo tattooed on my. .
. You inspired me to start a business! You inspired me to start 10 businesses.
And let them remind you that yes, you are the real deal. Strategy number four, track your successes and your stumbles. So two facets of imposter syndrome are that one, we don't internalize our success.
And two, we are terrified of making mistakes. That's why it's really important that you start to keep a list of both. So for example, every year I do a year in review, I write down each year successes and my stumbles and most important what I've learned from them all.
So this way, I have this very factual list of what I've accomplished and the mistakes I made along the way. And I can see that not only did those mistakes, not ruin me, but they helped me get stronger, and they helped me get better. Which makes me less afraid of making more of them in the future.
We did a whole episode on this year in review process too. So that link is also below. Strategy number five is get a go to mantra.
So this strategy involves making up just this little phrase that you can say to yourself in those clutch moments, either when you're about to go into a big meeting, or when you just need to sit down and do your work. Mindy Kaling, whom I love, suggested this as a motto. "Why the F*** not me.
" And she's got the book to back it up. Now I have to say, I've got my own version that I pull out when I need it every once in a while too… “You're Marie F*** Forleo you've got this B***! Okay, say it back.
You're Marie F*** Forleo you got this B***. Yeah, you do! ” Chest bump.
Now a little science note here: when it comes to motivational self talk, research shows that talking to yourself in the third person can help you actually feel less anxiety and perform better. So get yourself a go to Mantra. And some bonus points if you use your first name.
Finally, strategy number six, is be humble. Look, the most accomplished and respected people in the world stay humble. They're curious, they're open hearted.
They're lifelong learners. Don't ever feel like you have to overcompensate for impostor syndrome by becoming an arrogant asshat. No at all.
Not only do you not have to know it all, but you become extra trustworthy. When you say these three magic words. I don't know.
You know, I consider myself a forever student. And I happily admit when I have no idea what something is or how to do something. But you know what!
? Everything is figureoutable. So not knowing doesn't make me a fraud.
And it doesn't have to make you one either. And there you have it, six strategies to help you overcome impostor syndrome. Z, that was my A to your Q, and I really do hope it helps.
If you loved that, I know you're going to love what's coming up next even more: “Hi, Marie, I would love you to A this Q: How do you deal with criticism when you're putting yourself out there ALL the time? I know everyone's entitled to their own opinions. But when you get someone that is very critical, and it feels like they're trying to define you by their own beliefs, rather than the message you're trying to get across, or who you are, or what you represent.
How do you not let it affect you in a negative way? Even more, so when these are people that are close to you? I have a really difficult time with this.
Thank you, Christine. ” You know, Christine, most people have a tough time being criticized. So it's very normal, that it doesn't feel so good.
You know, right. I've been putting myself out there for a year. So I do have some experience on this topic.
And of course, you made it very clear that you would like to know how I personally deal with it. So here we go. Number one, you got to realize that criticism comes with creativity.
It was Aristotle who said, If you want to avoid criticism, say nothing. Do nothing. Be nothing.
So if you're going to do anything in life, you got to realize that this is part of the game. I don't want you to resist that fact, just embrace it. Number two, not all criticism is bad.
Constructive criticism can really help you grow. So I don't want you to be so sensitive that you dismiss it all. Marie, can I point something out to you?
You know what, you can point it out to the hand. I did not get to where I am today by letting people like you take me down. Okay, it's just that you're not wearing any pants.
You know, last I checked, this was MarieTV, not Jams and his stupid comments TV. Here's the thing though, the people that know you and love you and support you. They will offer constructive criticism most often in private.
I mean, that's what my friends do for me. And I try and do the same for them. Now, as for the clown holes, who offer you criticism, and they don't even know you.
You want to be strong enough to be able to skim any morsel off the top that could possibly be useful to you. Now, as for these kinds of clown holes, who don't even know me who publicly criticize me online. I honestly kind of feel bad for them.
I'm never sure what they're actually trying to gain from it. It's clear, they have little to no emotional intelligence and way too much time on their hands. Plus 99% of the time, these people are not creating anything positive for themselves or others.
So it's not like I really respect their opinion anyway. But my most important strategy is this — Number three is don't give away your power. So anytime some nasty criticism or BS comes your way, you have to say this, "You cannot take me down, I will not give you that power.
" I want you to make that your new mantra in life. You got to realize, that people can say whatever they want, but you do not have to take it in and you don't have to let it ruin your day. Your time on this earth is so precious and it's really, really important that you protect your soul.
Number four is take a stand for kindness. So I have a secret imaginary organization that not many people know about until it's too late. It's called M.
S. Ministry of Kindness and the basic tenant is be kind or leave. So if someone is unkind, they get a letter from my organization that says this.
"Dear Miss Clown Hole. M. S.
Ministry of Kindness invites you not to stay. " Or if I think they'd respond better to something a little less formal. I send them this video message from my friend Eddie.
It's my house! And you know what it is, and if you don't like it, you get the F*** out! Here's the deal, Christine.
Do not let anybody come into your house and basically squat out and take a hot, steamy dump on your living room floor. Do not tolerate people being mean or cruel to you, your friends, your family, your team, anybody in your world. So how do you do this?
You delete people, you disengage, you block them, you unsubscribe them. Number five, and this is really probably my favorite. You need to have a good laugh.
So one of my favorite things in the world is what Jimmy Kimmel does, where he has his mean celebrity tweets, where celebrities read out loud, the awful things that people write directly to them. Take a look at Ethan Hawke. Ethan Hawke seems like a guy who wasn't supposed to be a movie star, but he slipped through the cracks and everyone was just like, Okay.
Now you can see the full video below. It is hilarious. The best thing is how all these celebs deal with it.
They just read it out loud, they share it with us. They laugh about it. Which is the perfect way to remove the sting.
And to prove it to you. I'm going to join in and read some criticism that people like to share with me. So here's a comment from one of our subscribers, Karen, who actually signed up to hear from me, she writes, "I find you obnoxious and your style is deceiving.
" Karen you know she's right. Don't trust the skirt. And here's another love note: "Does anyone know how much of Marie's hair is false?
I'd guess that mane? She tosses over her shoulders is 70% extensions. " And then someone responded saying: "Ding, ding, ding, I'd go with around 80% actually.
I've always found her gobs of fake hair, very distracting, and I've been surprised to see her being praised for her great hair when it's obviously almost entirely extensions, her natural hair. It's just the layers around her face. I've never seen it longer than past her shoulders.
Her natural hair is not that thick of all. . .
" —OW Greg! “. .
. She covers it up with teasing her hair. So to make her hair look fuller.
This is obvious even in the pics. Without extensions. " Greg, I know.
I know. Now they know it's not fake. It's real.
Sorry to burst your bubble. But this is the hair that I was born with. Pretty awesome.
Right? Now I know when sometimes somebody says something really mean or cruel to you. It can stay in your head for a while.
So if you just can't laugh it off or brush it off. I want you to remember this tweetable: "If mean words keep popping up in your mind. Don't let them drop down and poison your soul.
" If you enjoy that, do not stop watching. I've got even more tips to change your life coming up right now. “Hi, Marie.
I've been watching your videos because I was recently inspired to start a business doing graphic design for life coaches. But lately, I've been feeling discouraged and unworthy. Though I have some schooling in graphic design.
Whenever I see another person doing the same thing. It takes me down. I know you say we all have something unique to offer.
But how do you get around the fear that what you offer isn't unique, especially when you're a complete newbie at it. Thanks for putting out such great and inspiring material. Thank you, Andrea.
” Andrea, I have heard this question from photographers and singers and writers and T shirt makers and yoga teachers. Everybody across the whole creative spectrum. And I've heard it from people at every stage of the journey from beginners to total pros.
We have all had the thought it's all been done before. So why should I even bother? But here is the thing, Andrea.
Each and every one of us is born with a unique set of gifts that we are here to express in this world while we are alive on the planet. God does not make any extra peeps. And when we hold back our gifts, we are truly stealing from those who need us most.
So here are five tips that will hopefully keep you from being a gift thief. And number one, there is more than enough to go around. You gotta get that there's over 7 billion people on the planet.
Now I know they're not all life coaches. But to be honest, these days, it kind of feels like they are. In fact, I think I just read a stat there's like four life coaches born every minute.
"Go create a business and life you love. " My point is we live in a big, beautiful world. And there's more than enough to go around as long as you offer something that people actually want.
Or in the words of Louise Hay and yes, it's a tweetable: "Somewhere someone is looking for exactly what you have to offer. " Number two, you need to embrace the Abbondanza! Think about Italian restaurants.
Can you imagine if any of them said you know what? The world's got enough Italian food. Everybody's done eggplant parm.
I have several favorite Italian restaurants and I would be totally heartbroken if even just one of them didn't exist. Same thing goes for singers. I mean, can you imagine if Bruno Mars said to himself, "You know what, there's enough sexy guys that can sing and dance.
Why even try? " Are you kidding me, then myself and the whole world would have been robbed of this… (Bruno Mars singing) No one has or ever will have your perspective. You’re a crucial part of the Universe’s Abbondanza!
. If you were missing from it, just wouldn’t be the same, girl. Number three is STOP doing shots of compareschlager!
You know, in college, I had some nasty nights from this stuff called Goldschlager. You ever heard of it? It’s disgusting and you are drinking compareschlager, which is even worse and it leaves you with the nastiest comparison hangovers.
Look, you are watching MarieTV right now. But if I started doing shots of this stuff, you wouldn’t be. Why?
Because I would have never gotten to episode two! Do you know how many other online shows there are that give business and life advice? If I went down the comparison rabbit hole… I’d have never gotten out!
So my point is, you need to put down the bottle, girl! Number four is be the acorn. So big beautiful oak trees start off from a tiny acorn.
And everything beautiful and magnificent in this world usually starts tiny, tiny, tiny. Just because you’re not the most experienced or the best pro right now, doesn’t mean you won’t be. And all the people that you’re looking at that have more experience than you did not start off that way.
You got to know this! Every single pro starts off as an amateur! So right now, you just got to focus on being the acorn.
And if you really want to make this happen, this next step is the most important. Number five, you’ve got to train yourself to choose love over fear. So here’s the deal.
In any given moment, all of us have a choice of our thoughts and our words and our actions. We can either align ourselves with fear or align ourselves with love. Now when we’re aligned with fear, we all feel like a**, right?
We feel alone. We feel separate and we feel completely unworthy. We waste a lot of time.
We don’t get things done. And most of all, we waste this precious gift we have called life. Now on the other hand, when we align ourselves with love, everything changes instantly.
We feel awesome. We feel connected to ourselves and to others, and we recognize, You know what? That we have some genius inside, and we’re here to contribute that genius to make the world an amazing place alongside a whole bunch of other people that are here to do the same.
So Andrea, those are five things that I really want you to remember. The next time you start feeling like it’s all been done before. And I want to wrap up with one of my favorite quotes of all time from the incredible Martha Graham: “There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique.
And, if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions.
It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you.
Keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work.
