I'm sure I don't have to tell you that dealing with an avoidant X can be really really hard you know all you want is closeness and it feels like they're just trying to run away from you every chance they get but it doesn't have to be this way so let's talk about it I'm Brad Browning of course author of the xfactor 2.0 and YouTube's number one trusted breakup coach for the past 14 years and in that time I've dealt with every breakup scenario that you can possibly think of and some that would seriously shock you
and I found that while an avoidant X can be difficult there really are ways that you can break through their barriers and reach them so that you can get that second chance in fact and this is the good news for you avoidant X's are actually far more likely to come back than your average ex is and that may actually surprise you because there's something that nearly everybody gets wrong about avoidance but to understand that we need to First just go over the basics of what it means to be avoidant and that of course means we
need to talk briefly about attachment Styles now don't worry I'm not going to go too deep into it here I actually made a whole video on this topic in the past but I'll link up in the popup here in the description below but really what you need to know is that avoidant is one of the four attachment Styles now everyone on Earth has an attachment style and that style determines you know the way that you create attachment to other people whether it's you know romantic Platonic Family whatever so if you're connecting with another person on
a deeper level your attachment style is going to come into play and determine how you interact with this person now there's four attachment Styles secure disorganized anxious and avoidant and for our purposes we really only need to work wor about the last two now if you are watching this video chances are you have an anxious attachment style and your ex is likely avoidant this is a very common pattern in relationships and in breakups now what this dictates is how you respond when it comes to moments of connection or or disconnection in your relationship so I'm
talking you know like one of you says I love you or you sleep together for the first time those would be moments of connection and then there are moments of disconnection you know one of you doesn't reply to a text from the other you have a fight you forget their metal name basically you experience a moment that causes a change in the status quo of the relationship now this can feel you know destabilizing even if it's something good so how do you respond to this well someone with an anxious attachment style will try to get
closer to their partner after something like this you know so they'll say oh they didn't text me back they don't like me I need to reach out to them again and pull them closer to me now on the other hand the avoidant person will actually do the exact opposite you know they'll say oh they didn't respond to my text maybe they don't like me I'm going to give them a lot of space and just do my own thing I'll distance myself so I don't get hurt now you see that both people are having the same
experience here but they're just taking different approaches to safeguarding their emotions all right now let's talk about some of the Hallmarks of avoidance just so we we kind of know what we're talking about here so firstly avoidant really value their own independence and they tend to have you know fewer friends and fewer connections they sometimes struggle to to make connections with other people just because of their tendency to withdraw socially and during conf ICT you know they may Stonewall you or give you the silent treatment and of course this can be extremely difficult to deal
with during and after a breakup as I'm sure you probably know and even if you know they don't outright Stonewall then they'll tend to avoid conflict by just you know changing the subject or minimizing it or they might even tell you you know what you want to hear just to end the conversation and another Hallmark of avoidance is that they're going to run for the door at the first sign of conflict or commitment now hearing all this you know you may think that avoidance just don't want closeness and intimacy with another person you know that
they want to be left alone and all you're doing is providing them a momentary distraction from from the you know the solitary life that they've chosen but this is actually wrong avoidants do want that closeness and intimacy the same as any other person does and even more so in some cases and this is what a lot of people get wrong about avoidance you know they think that they're they're all lone wolves or something like that but really you know they do want love and affection they just don't always respond to it in the best way
when they actually experience it because it's scary them in fact you know a lot of the time when you feel like they don't care at all because they're you know shutting you out they're really sitting there kicking themselves because they feel unable to connect with you in that moment you know they want to just hold you so bad but it's like there's just a wall they can't get over so don't think that you're avoid X is totally over you chances are they miss you and they love you they just don't know how to show it
cuz the truth is they feel threatened by closeness they lack the emotional tools to deal with it and so it feels overwhelming and and destabilizing and that's why I say that most avoidant do come back even more often than other attachment Styles because often the reason that they leave in the first place isn't about any real issue in the relationship not really you know I'm sure that they they seem to have a good reason at the time but what's really happening is that they're just making an excuse to just get that distance from you you
know they think they need that distance to feel comfortable and safe but when they do get it they realize that's not what they wanted at all and that's the point where they're going to start to miss you and eventually they'll come sniffing around hoping for another chance now does that mean they're just you know waiting for you to call and they'll come running and jump back into your arms well no that's definitely not the solution here in fact you know even though they may want you more than you think you actually need to be more
cautious and slow than you normally would because of their avoiding Tendencies I know it doesn't make a lot of sense logically but they will still feel threatened and run for the hills if you try too hard to reconnect because that's just the pattern that they're familiar with in relationships so first off as always you know that I'm going to suggest that you go no contact for a period of time as soon as POS possible after the breakup now you you probably heard this before but it's especially important within a void index because remember they need
that space both to start to miss you and to process the breakup but also to get that sense of of safety and Independence that they felt was missing in the relationship now this by itself is going to go a long way to repairing what's been broken between you now you don't even need to do anything more than that in a lot of cases just getting some space will make them realize that they need you in their life and they'll swallow their pride and come back to tr try again but if they don't come running back
you know because they're stubborn or afraid to open up or whatever it is you're going to have to make the first move yourself just to get things started Remember You know despite their rough exterior you know avoidance act are actually very sensitive people so you do want to act accordingly and you know don't make any sudden movements basically just take it very slow and don't demand too much of your ex right off the bat I know you're probably ready to just jump back into that relationship but they need to ease in so that they can
keep that sense of Independence that's so important to their peace of mind and really you know this advice goes from how you approach them the first time after the breakup to how you handle your first few meetings with them right up until the point you decide to get back together and into a real relationship again and actually things do change a little once you're back together but that's that's a topic for another video now I know that you may not be used to interacting with your ex in this way you know especially if you're an
anxious person you know you're used to connecting more directly and and more intensely so it is going to feel you know out of character for you and so it is going to be difficult but if if you can Master this your ex is going to warm up to you and it's going to make the whole process so much easier so you know with that in mind don't make a lot of big asks of your ex right off the bat you know if they're not ready to see you don't push it just talk you know have
some fun together and rebuild the relationship rather than worrying about the next steps and alongside that you must give them lots of space during this process so you know don't text them every day and if they take a little while to respond you don't freak out remember this doesn't mean that they're not interested it just means that they're still still feeling things out it's really important to let them set the pace during this process you you don't want to recreate the the conditions of your last relationship you know sure you you may be able to
get them agreed to to get back together but we're talking long-term here right you know you want to set yourself up for success for the Long Haul if you really want to maximize your chances of getting your X back I would be happy to help I offer one-on-one coaching at breakupbrad.com/coaching and when you sign up I'll listen to all the Gory details of your situation and together we'll put together a plan that's tailored to your ex to ensure you can rebuild the relationship from the ground up so go to breakupbrad.com/coaching to see my current availability
and register today I would love to hear from you soon all right back back to it now as I've said um this is a delicate process especially when your ex is avoidant so it's all about you know showing a little bit of interest and then backing away it's like flirting you know you don't want them to know that you want them 100% you're trying to to create that tension that's going to keep them wanting more and to do that you need to focus on shifting your own perspective to better connect with an avoidant you really
need to address your own anxious Behavior now the funny thing is that anxious and avoidant couples are actually very common for for a simple reason avoidance struggle to connect and anxious people desperately want to connect so avoidance will put up walls and you know try to back away and anxious people will just blow right through them so in the short term you know this is going to be flattering for the avoidants who often feel like they're they're difficult to love but in the long term it ends up being unsatisfying for really both parties you know
the avoidant feels like they're they're being rushed and overwhelmed it's like they're you know being asked to do more than they can handle and then the anxious partner feels as though they're not being given enough love and just always having to ask for more which is obviously you know not a very good feeling so what we really want to do is break this cycle this time around so that you can actually have a more healthy relationship in the future and really you know since you can't change your ex you have to modify your own behavior
a bit now if you have watched this far you're already well on your way to making this happen because you'll be able to see this pattern at work when your ex pulls away you'll know not to chase after them of course it is going to be hard sometimes you'll need to do your best to to hold on to this perspective you know look at your life from a top- down view remember that you know this relationship isn't the only thing that matters it's not your only source of Happiness here so whenever you find yourself obsessing
over the relationship over what your ex is thinking or feeling and you get that clingy urge just take a step back and breathe that's the time to to turn to other things that you that bring you Joy in life you know your friends your family your hobbies I know it's going to feel counterintuitive but this will actually bring you closer to your ex in the long run one thing that triggers an avoidant partner is feeling like they're the other person's soulle Focus so if you can show them that you're independent and secure in your life
they're going to be more attracted to you than ever because they're not going to feel pressured and then when you when you do see or talk to your ex you know resist the urge to talk about the relationship the breakup what they're looking for who they're dating really anything along those lines I know of course you want to know but answering these question questions is just not wor worth pushing your ex away you know your time is much better spent just chatting laughing and and really reconnecting so that's why I say you know always live
in the moment when you're with your ex you can't change the past and you don't want to get caught up in what the future holds and and actually miss out on the present and another thing to remember don't take your ex's Behavior personally remember that this is how they deal with everyone in a relationship it doesn't mean that they don't like you or don't love you or want you it's the fact that they struggle to connect that's actually keeping them away you know so don't go wow I haven't talked to them in a few days
or you know they're being so quiet they must be over me I should call them and see what's wrong try to remember that this is you know this is just a quirk of their attachment style and if you give them a little more space they're going to be a lot more likely to come back now you have to decide if that's something you want to put up with in the long run of course but that again is a whole another video the tips that I have given you today here in this video should disrupt that
Dynamic of them pulling away and you chasing them and that's going to help you both relax a little and connect more deeply all right that's about it thanks for watching all the way to the end uh if you're dealing with an avoidant X and you have any questions or comments leave them in the comments below I love hearing from all of you guys down there and while you're at it like this video subscribe and turn on the notifications for a brand new video like this one every week I'm breakup Brad and I'll see you in
the next video bye for now
