The Jewish Matchmaker Podcast – The Convert Who Couldn’t Get a Second Date

Everybody had a good a great reason why they serve the army. >> Yeah. >> Like we of course we're part of of of this nation.

Like we're part of the of this land. We we're going to defend our land. That's not my story.

I'm >> I'm not Jewish. It's not my land. It's not my people.

>> Like what So what am I? That was the That was >> question that you grapple with. >> Yeah, you know, I put the uniform.

I need to shave my head. I need to do everything. But God forbid if something happens [music] to me when like I don't know like if a terrorist decides that that's that's a day he he going to come for me.

No, I I don't know what I'm dying for. >> Hi and welcome to the Jewish Matchmaker Podcast on ILTV. I'm Aliza Ben Shalom, your host.

>> [music] >> And I'm so excited today to introduce you to somebody that I can now call a friend of mine. His name is Howie Danao and we met in Germany at a Jewish conference there where we talked a little bit about matchmaking. So Howie, welcome.

>> Hey, good to see you. Good to see you. >> Okay, I'm not telling your whole story yet.

I want to jump right in and just talk about when we met. I met you with a whole group of singers. This was your first time actually singing with this group.

It's not like Did you Did you know anybody? >> time I I met them like maybe a couple days before the flight. >> Okay, so I don't even know how that works with being able to sing and harmonize and come together.

It was gorgeous everything that you did. And you guys came and not everybody was single but a bunch of the guys there were single. >> Right.

Right. >> So for Aliza, that's like green flag. And [laughter] and I'm I'm schmoozing with you guys.

We're meeting. We're talking. And at one point I remember somebody in the group was like, "Oh, well, you're you're like you're the matchmaker.

You're going to have to set us up. " And I'm like Nah-nah-nah. You guys have to set each other up.

>> That's our job. >> I think that's your job because first of all, I don't always have the right network for everybody. And I believe that anyone can make a match.

So we started to have this little schmooze about anyone can make a match and and I think you were also getting to the place with like dating and love where love wasn't it wasn't flowing and you were like you were like don't tell tell tell me your story. How where were you at with dating and love? >> So, at that time I also got I got out of of a really long relationship, 7-years relationship and I I started dating in the Jewish world for the first time religious people or people who are more traditional even not religious.

Like I tried a whole >> You're like I don't know what's going to work so I'll try everything. >> Exactly cuz me myself I convert to Judaism 2 years ago. We'll get into it but but starting in the dating in the dating in the dating Jewish world as a convert is so confusing cuz how I'm supposed to be and act I don't know what it means to date as a religious religious man.

I don't I don't say that I'm religious but I keep Shabbat I'm I'm doing the mitzvot. I don't know what what to look for and especially it's for for the people that date me that the girls that date me they don't know how to react. >> So, you right you don't understand you and this whole world exactly so how are they going to understand you and dating?

I I actually had a similar experience. I'm a baal teshuvah which means that I grew up Jewish but secular not religious and in my mid-20s became more observant and decided to do like you like I'll do Shabbat I'll keep kosher right started to take things on and and I kind of woke up one day in dating and some guy was like but like you're religious and I was like no I'm not I'm just Jewish doing Jewish stuff and he's like he's like I'm spiritual and I was like well what's the difference and he literally explained to me the difference between who I was which obviously I wasn't clear on and who he was, and why this was not a match. >> Yeah, I always say that um like I don't do the mitzvot keep kosher and do keep Shabbat cuz I'm religious cuz I'm I'm in I need to be um with this title of being religious.

This is the way that I express my Judaism. I I converted Judaism to be a Jew, not to be religious. >> So tell us a little bit of of your story.

Take us back. How long have you been in Israel and and what's your story? >> So everything started with my mother, of course.

She came from the Philippines. She came here to Israel. She worked as a housekeeper and she wanted to um to start a new life.

She got a divorce in in a really young age. Um she came here. She came here pregnant um without knowing that she's pregnant.

>> know she was pregnant. She shows up in Israel. She's working for a family and she finds out she's pregnant.

>> Yeah, and instead of going back when I was born, cuz she wanted to go back cuz why raising me in >> Right, why would she raise you here or why she could raise you in the Philippines? >> Yeah, and also like she's she's she's it's everything is it's not her culture. So she uh she wanted to go to the to go back to the Philippines and her employers offered her to raise me with them.

So I was raised by biological mother and two adopting parents, Jewish Israeli parents. Again, they're not they're not um religious or traditional, but they're very you know, they're they they brought a lot of grace, a lot of grace to it. >> were raised in an Israeli family and your mother, who's Filipino, was working for them and you have this long-term relationship.

It's not like they said like oh we're not going to have you working for us. She stayed working with them for years and you were raised with this family. >> Yeah, actually you know, she she worked she worked there before I was born and when when I was born she worked like at at different places, but this they really adopted >> Wow.

>> They really adopted us. >> Yeah. >> So you're raised with this family, you're not Jewish, you're going to Israeli, you know, non-religious schools.

You're learning Hebrew. Is Is Hebrew your first language? English your first language?

>> Um English and Tagalog um are our language in the Philippines. Um that's that was my first language languages. And when I started to go to school and and and kindergarten, like, okay, you need to talk to talk in Hebrew.

[laughter] And that's where everything just started to um um to to just made a big mess with with how I communicate. And I always say that I think that the the language that I was most comfortable in that time was music. Um that's that's how I found music cuz >> chills.

>> cuz I didn't again, like talking I like in the young age talking in English to talk with her mother and also talk with the family and then talking Tagalog and understanding it. And then Hebrew that Hebrew is a really, really complex language. It was really hard for me.

Um so, for me music was >> That was >> That that was my safe place. >> That was your fourth language, but really your primary language and your way to communicate. >> Yeah.

And and I started writing from a young age, writing and and composing music. >> songs, composing music. >> since I was eight.

>> Wow. >> Yeah. And that's how um I started doing music.

I went I went to the streets of Tel Aviv. I I performed in the streets. And I went to bars and performed there as when I was 16.

Um and cuz I got a lot of like through time I got a lot of experience. >> Right. >> And then I went to the Kokhav Nolad, the next star of Israel, the reality show.

>> the reality show the star of Israel. Okay. >> I went there and I been there till the semi-finals.

And right after it, I got I got recruited to the army, to the IDF. >> So, you went straight from almost being an Israeli pop star to being recruited and now being in the Israeli army. >> Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, something like that. >> [laughter] >> Um cuz again, I really wanted to I still wanted to do music, but for me something was missing.

I came to the to the to the IDF and I saw all of, you know, soldiers. I was a commander, so I had my own soldiers and everybody had a good a great reason why they served the army. Like we of course we're part of of of this nation.

Like we're part of the of this land. We we're going to defend our land. It's a it's a it's a duty of for me of being a Jew.

And I don't fit any >> That's not your story. >> Yeah, that's not my story. I'm >> Jewish.

It's not my land. It's not my people. >> Like what So what am I?

That that was the that was That was the Yeah, you know, I put the uniform. I need to shave my head. I need to do everything.

But God forbid if something happens to me when like I don't know like if a terrorist decides that that's that's the day he he going to come for me. No, I I don't know what what I'm dying for. Um so that's that was a really like that I had I experienced an identity crisis there.

And in the army there's a program called Nativ and that's where it's like birthright but for non-Jew soldiers and that's where you you get to learn about this this land um Israel. >> Explore Israel. Explore Judaism.

What does it mean? Why are you serving? And what are you a part of?

>> So I started asking myself what what am I? Like why I'm here? And I always say that again I I yeah, I chose at the end I chose Judaism.

But it's something chose me to be here. To be a part of this people. To be to grow up grow up in the with this people.

To um to to speak in their language. To to cry in uh in Yom HaShoah and Yom Yom HaZikaron to something there is something a part of me that belong here. Um and I I didn't choose it, but something chose me to be a part of it.

And with the like in time with time when I started to learn more about Am Yisrael and more about also the connection with the Philippines with and and Am Yisrael there there's a special >> connection with the Philippines and Am Yisrael? >> Um they through history they saved Jews during the Holocaust. They were one of the I think one of the only uh countries that um um that that was um that was supporting Israel to the declaration of Israel as a Jewish state um until now like they're so devoted, they're so there is a special bond there.

And and I told myself, "Okay, there is something bigger than me that chose me to be here. I don't know what it is. I don't know if to call it Hashem, to call it Elohim.

I don't know how to call God. I don't know how to call God. >> names for God.

Having an awareness that there's a higher power that exists and if [snorts] you were born here and you stayed here and you lived your full life here and you grew up here, there's some reason that you're here. And you're you're in the army at this point. How old are you?

>> I was 20 that time I was 20. >> 20 >> 20 years old. >> And you're having this identity crisis.

I'm serving this country, I'm serving the Jewish people and who I am I and what is my role? So where So what's the outgrowth of this? What what happens?

>> So that's where I I okay, there's something this big thing chose me cuz he loves me. He he he want me here. I don't know why and I stopped asking why why I'm here, why why everything.

I started asking myself, "Okay, what I'm going to do about it? " >> Ah, from why to what am I going to do about it? >> Yeah.

Yeah. I started learning in a yeshiva. I go I I met a beautiful community called Neve Eretz Ramat Gan for ba'alei teshuvah, and I started the whole journey.

I converted 3 years after, and yeah, and and then I converted Judaism. And the first year that I converted Judaism was everything everything was first, you know, my first Purim, my first Passover. >> Everything, and including 2023, it was Simchat Torah, my first Simchat Torah, and that was October 7th.

And October 7th, I uh >> And your first war as a Jew, perhaps. >> My first response was I am going to the south. I I heard everything >> got out of the army, and now you said that's it, I'm re-enlisting, I'm going back, and I'm going to the south.

>> I went to the south, not as a not as a soldier, though. I went there as a concerned citizen, I guess. I went there um with a feeling that I need to do something with to my brothers.

That's why I'm a Jew. That's This is This is the meaning of being a Jew. I need to be a part of my people right now.

They need me. I I formed a group of drivers to to bring supplies to soldiers, to a lot of evacuees that had to be to get out of the south. >> were schlepping things back and forth back and forth and organized a whole crew of people doing that.

>> Yeah. We did it for a couple of months, and and that also in one of my missions, I met a kid that I wrote a song about him, only nine. It's He He lost his parents in Be'eri.

Um and that's where I I started the whole concept of me and a couple of friends, we started a whole concept of, "Okay, let's bring a show to Jewish communities to empower Jewish identity. " The war started, and the whole reason that me and a lot of great people, not just my crew, Went there not because they believe in their religion or their appearance. They came here because we are part of one people, one nation.

And that's what I want that's that's that became my my mission to go to Jewish communities and spread not only my story but our story. >> So what is that show called and what does that look like on stage? >> It called Love and Faith.

>> The Love and Faith show. >> There's a lot of versions how you could see it on stage. It could be with a big production with a with a huge band and it also could be only with me and a guitar.

It's really it has to be precise to the people who hear it hears it. >> Can we take a pause from the conversation and can you give us a taste of this music? I know you have your guitar with you and I I want to hear this.

>> That song I have a song called Born Again. And I recently released that. >> [music] >> Goes like this.

Turn over to my twenties dreams. Let my mama with my F degrees. And quit my job in the city.

My friends already have their wives and kids and I'm still figuring out how to live. And breaking through this matrix cuz I can't leave this code. >> [screaming] >> I'll be crazy but not wrong.

>> [screaming] >> Cuz I felt faith based since I left the world far from broken but the things I took were never stolen. Just like me born again. Yeah.

>> Wow. Wow. Your your energy, your everything just comes through.

Sitting here and with you, it's like I feel like lit up, like all energized and and but but like a warm, warm, warm feeling. >> That's the the the same feeling that I it felt with you when we met in Germany. Uh we have the same energy of of I think I think we represent um acceptance.

We accept one like every person is just is very We don't look, you know, we just had Hanukkah, for example. We we have a in Hanukkah uh the the menorah, and we have one job with the menorah, just to look at them. Just to to see them as >> Look at the light.

>> little light. This is how we This is how we need to look at every every person. Just look at them.

Not to use them as an to light an uh an light something for me. No. Just to look.

>> Just let it Just look and let it light you up inside. >> So, we meet in Germany. Now, I don't know any of your story, right?

I I meet you and I'm like, "Cool. I meet a whole bunch of singers. " Singers, I'm like, "Cool, you guys are like set me up.

" I'm like, "You're really Israeli. " You're They're all You guys are all sitting around talking in Hebrew. My Hebrew's kacha kacha, which just means so-so.

I'm only following maybe 50% of the conversation. And you guys are like, "Oh, you could set me up. You set this one up.

Set that one up. " I'm like, "Listen, I I'm not going to know the right person for you, but you guys need to set each other up. You're single, you're young, you know each other, you're in the Jewish community.

You should have some suggestions for each other. " Now, I see this, and one of the singers, his name's Khai. I'm going to give him a shout-out.

Khai. >> [laughter] >> Khai uh heard this, and it just went in. Uh we get done with our whole program in Germany, we come back to Israel.

Uh you we all connected. Um somebody who works for me, Sarah, is keeping in touch. You guys come for Shabbos to my house.

We have singers at my house. My house is lighting up with music and joy. And we're talking about dating and love and stuff.

And it comes up kind of that like you're you're burnt out, you're done, you're like, I'm going to focus on my career. I'm going to I just can't take it anymore. What what happened?

Like what broke love for you? >> Um. Um.

Actually, I I think that the feeling that was that I felt back then wasn't like broke. It was like I Nothing broke love. For me was okay, you know what, Hashem?

I accept everything you give to me. If you need me to be here and do my my mission, my shlichus, and go to Jewish communities and help people love love their themselves more and accept and embrace and empower their Jewish identity, if that's what I need to do my whole life, >> I'm going to do it. >> Let's do it.

Let's go. If and if I don't find my wife, that's fine. I'm fine with it.

Whatever happens, whatever you gave you give me and you will give give me in the future. >> So you were you were seeing success professionally, you were seeing doors open professionally, and I'm guessing that dating-wise you were getting what we typically get in dating, which is like, "Hi, not for me. Hi, also not for me.

Oh, another one. " You were you were seeing a lack of success in that area, and you were open to whatever God was sending you. You were saying, "Okay, so I'll just accept what God sends me.

" And so fine, he's sending me my passion, my love, my everything I want to do in the world, but not necessarily my person. >> And also, I I used your your method, date them till you hate them. >> [laughter] >> I love that.

>> It's totally in the book. >> I I love that cuz again, also with dating, that's how it was for me. Every opportunity that I had to I had to date, even if she looks she doesn't look my type my type at first, I went for it.

>> You were a yes guy. You you were yes, you were open to possibilities, and you were just saying yes and going out, but it kept not working out and not working out. >> And and I was very open.

I was very open, but I I never got an opportunity for a second date. >> Ah, you were doing It was one and done. One and done.

One and done. >> like it was hard for me even to to get the first date. We were talking and they're looking at my my uh >> Your profile, the photo, the details.

>> the photo and like what wait what are you? >> Right, like what's your story? You're You're Israeli, you're not Israeli, you're Filipino, you're what what's your background?

Who are you? They didn't understand. >> Yeah, so even before the date they or they already like um had a an idea of that they created of what what I what am I.

>> So you you didn't have a chance from the get-go. They already had a story in their head. You couldn't even show who you were to build that connection.

So it was one and done. One and done. One and done.

And you're you're going, "Okay God, maybe dating isn't my thing now. " But then I get, you know, kind of like a phone call {slash} message cuz you're I don't know somewhere hanging out with Chaim and Sara. Everybody's meeting up and all of a sudden I'm like, "He's dating and Chaim is the shadchan.

He made the match. " And I'm like, "Wait, what do you What's the story? What's the story?

" So what happened? >> And that day that I told myself, "Okay, I'm done. " Like I'm I'm really done.

Um I'm I will be I will going to be focused in my my shlichus, my mission. That's That's my my life mission right now. And I And I woke woke up to the shacharis and I was talking to talking to >> Morning prayers.

You're talking to God. >> And right after it got the message from Chaim from that friend. "Hey, I'm going to be in Tel Aviv.

Also Sara is going to be in Tel Aviv. Let's hang out. " And I don't usually And that's the thing.

It was the middle in the It was Thursday night if It was Thursday he wanted to go out on Thursday night and I don't usually do it. I I do that. >> like a last minute guy.

You're not like let's just go hang out. You're You're You're serious. You're focused.

You're learning. You're working. You've got a mission of what you're doing.

And just hanging out isn't your thing. >> But that also the same day it wasn't a good day for me cuz I I got I'm I'm like Yeah, yeah, I was a bit low. Yeah.

And so I told him, "Yeah, of course. Let's say I haven't seen seen sorry for for a while and I haven't seen Khai. " >> So you're low.

You're like, "Well, I guess things can't get worse. Sure, I'll come hang out with you. Nothing else is working.

" >> [laughter] >> No, of course. I >> But no, but there was something that you just responded to. You just said, "Yeah, you were cuz you're a yes guy.

" >> Yeah. >> So you said yes. >> Yeah, and I wanted I wanted to to be lifted.

I wanted I wanted to see my see good people, my friends. And of course, I went to Tel Aviv. And at some point while we were hanging out, it was like, "Wait, I think I have someone for you.

" And like, "Khai, please do. " >> I can see even on your face now. Your eyes, you're like almost rolling them back in your head.

Like, "Oh, you have an idea for me. " >> Yeah, everybody has an idea, of course, and then nothing happens. And then like, "Okay, Khai, who is it?

" And he said, "Yeah, I learned I he he we they learned together in the in the same in in the >> university. They were studying together. >> yeah, in the university in Ariel.

They were studying together. And that's uh and he told me she like she's uh I said in Hebrew cuz it's funnier. Uh he pilpelit kmoha.

He's uh she's uh she she she she she she she she she she has the she's spicy like you. >> [laughter] >> And I told him, "Khai, what what does it mean? >> does that mean?

What kind of a What kind of a description is that? >> [laughter] >> That's not on her dating profile. >> And uh he he told me, "Look, trust me.

She's She could be a a really good fit. Just one date. " I told him, "Okay, did she grow up religious?

" And he said, "Yeah. " I told him, "Look, Khai, I already been that. And and I I I >> I've been down that road.

You better tell her I didn't grow up like she did and I'm different and I got a whole story. " >> And and I and I told him, "It's not going to happen in the end. Like, if she grew up religious, she it will >> She's not going to like me and my story.

>> Yeah, she it's it will be hard for her to to accept it. I sent him my profile with a photo and 10 even like 10 minutes or less he he said like out of nowhere Howie, she's interested. Like, what?

Did she read the whole thing? Did she saw [laughter] the picture? And yeah, yeah, yeah, she's interested.

That's the first one. Like, okay, cuz that was so fast. >> Yeah.

>> And and I told myself, okay, you know what? >> I'm going to go out. >> Let's go for it.

Let's go for this one like one last chance for me and I I told myself, okay, she's religious, grew up religious, I need to be proper, I need to be formal and and and now oh, it's Thursday night, I can't I can't write in Thursday night like in a >> Oh, you're setting up all these rules for yourself based on what you think that she needs. You're like superimposing and guessing what she's going to need. And so you don't message her on Thursday.

Do you message her on Friday? >> No, cuz in Friday we we get ready for Shabbat and don't want her to think that I'm working before Shabbat and like >> Saturday night? >> Sat- And so I said, okay, motzei Shabbat, that's the that's the Saturday night, that's that's the perfect timing to message her back to to message her.

She didn't she didn't message me. Um so >> [laughter] >> so I messaged her in motzei Shabbat in Thursday night in Saturday in Saturday night, yeah. Um and I was very formal.

Hello, my name is Howie. I I know you from Khai. Um I want to meet here in that time.

>> [laughter] >> Which is by the way, you're so warm and friendly and smoozy and like for you to be so formal is so out of character for you. >> not it's not authentic, not natural, not it's doesn't represent me in any way. And and the and she text me back like in Hebrew it's like >> [laughter] >> like, okay, well, what is happening here?

Well, and I didn't know know what what I'm supposed to do cuz I'm I didn't grow up religious and she's she's religious, so I didn't know like how to talk to I don't know. Um we met um a week a week a week after in Thursday. It was a Thursday um and I like I came with a with with a checklist of all the things that >> All all the things you want.

Everything you want. >> Like I thought, okay, you know what? I'll be I'll be religious.

I'll be a Let's Let's give it a shot give it a shot of being religious. >> Focusing on dating like a religious person coming with all of the intentions of what you really want out of this. You meet her and >> And everything check check check check check and then she started talking she started talk about things that I'm interested in.

>> And he's like, check check check. >> what is going on and and she's very light. She's very >> and a casual, comfortable, easy to talk to, flow.

>> Yeah, and and I also told myself, I'm not going to talk about my story. >> You're not going to tell her your whole story. >> Yeah, cuz every every date that I had is like I having a whole lecture.

>> all about your story. >> Yeah. >> Right.

>> And the first thing that she asked, oh, so what is your story? >> [laughter] >> Okay, let's go. Till I told her our story and she got more interested in a good way.

Um at the at the the end of the date we we ended the date I I go I went back and at night I I sent her message that I really had a great time and I was already with with a feeling of, okay, she going to text back that she's not interested. >> Oh, you prepped yourself for a no. >> yeah.

>> Okay, and she said >> Yeah, I had a great time. Let's do it again. Like >> He's [laughter] like, oh my gosh, I got a second date.

I got a second date. >> For the first time second date after year a year of dating. >> Wow.

>> And uh and then uh she we went to see a movie. Like she wanted to see a movie. I didn't want to see a movie, but >> Yeah, not a great date.

>> I wanted to do something that she wants, but I told her if we see if we're seeing a movie, we're going to go to a restaurant after it. Just >> To talk, connect. >> And then we we have also a subject to talk about.

We have the movie to talk about, so that's great. Um we went The movie went well. Um >> So you had a second date.

>> Yeah, it's a We had a second date, and the second date, okay, it's it's too good to be true. Something >> You're you're you are self-doubting this whole thing the entire way. >> Yeah.

>> So you get a third date. >> So she told me after the the day after, "Hey, can I call you? " And I'm like, "Okay, okay, that's it.

" >> That's it. She's going to dump me. >> That she's going to dump me the on phone.

Okay, that Okay, let's do it. Yeah, um I'm available. She called me, and like, "Yeah, how are you?

" She told me, "I'm fine. How are you? " She And she I told her I'm I'm fine also, and she started talking about her day.

And I'm like, >> She's not dumping me. >> She's not dumping me. And I through the through the phone call, when is is it going to happen?

Um and it just doesn't >> It never happened. >> It never happened. She told me that she had a great time.

Let's Let's have a third date. A third date I went to to Ariel to her university. I met her there, and she made like shakshuka.

>> Uh-huh. A popular Israeli dish. Look it up.

Google it. >> [laughter] >> And And we we ate bread, so we had to to do the after time and then say the the bracha, the >> Say the blessing. Wash your hands before, say the blessing after.

>> So before the the blessing of birkat hamazon, you have a You have the mayim acharonim. You have the >> Little washing of the hands. >> of the hands.

And when I saw her doing that, in my heart I was like, "Okay, that's that's that's >> That's your type of Judaism. That's your flavor of person. " There was just like a >> That's my wife.

>> That's your wife. >> I told myself, "That's my wife. " >> that date, how long until you got engaged?

>> Months. >> And from that date, how long until you got married? >> Three months.

>> Phew. From a guy who was brokenhearted Not You said you weren't brokenhearted. from a guy who just got one and done dates where you couldn't even get to a second date.

You went from first date to get the huppah and getting married in four months. >> Yeah. >> Yeah, that's faith in love.

>> Yeah. >> Oh my gosh, Howie, your story just touches my heart. >> know what's her her name?

So, her name is Tehilah. >> Tehilah? >> But her second name is Emunah.

Means faith. >> Faith. Tehilah.

>> So, this is love and faith. >> Love and faith. But Howie Danow, Howie, I have adored hearing your story.

Your music lights up my world. I want to give you a blessing that please God you should continue to light up the world with your music and that people should find you and be inspired by you and your story. Please tell our listeners how they can find you.

>> Um you could find me anywhere. I'm on the Instagram and Facebook. I'm on YouTube.

I'm on Spotify. >> Say the >> My name in in Instagram is I'm just Howie. >> I'm just Howie.

>> Howie my full name is Howie Danow. Just search me up on Google. You could find my Spotify.

You could find my my uh >> And we can listen to your music. >> my music, yeah. My story, everything.

>> Thank you. Thank you so much for being with us. And thank you to all of our listeners for being with us through this show.

If you have questions, comments, something is on your mind about dating, love, relationships, faith in love, anything, please reach out to me on Instagram at Elizabeth Danow where you can find me at my website at marriagemindedmentor. com. And remember that matches make families, families make communities, and communities change the world.