it is great to be here in America the greatest country in the world if you haven't travelled a lot do we have to constantly scream we're number one always the people who live in the most boring parts of this country that scream the loudest people in Kansas who the greatest country in the world it's like do you guys have internet there you ever seen a photo of Fiji I've never been to Fiji but I've seen photos it looks pretty amazing it's hard to think we're better than that we're top ten maybe we started screaming that
every day maybe tariffs would stop trying to saw our heads off we're top ten and they'd be like that's fair who's that number one stuff that was getting old America's basically turned into one of these factories where we just have a sign up like it's been 22 days since our last horrible thing and then they up all right rip it down we're back at zero again these things just keep happening you know whether it's Ferguson or Baltimore I can solve racist cops that's an easy fix but nobody comes to me for the answers you want
to get rid of that forever how about this only black people should be allowed to be cops boom problem solved [Applause] and if any of you have issue with this it's because you're racist what about white people white people can be firefighters we're more outdoorsy it makes sense white people firefighters black people cops who wants to take it to the softball game now yeah it's gonna get pretty tense might want to put in a mercy rule and the next time we have one of these tragedies inevitably we will and you happen to be so unfortunate
enough to know the person that's being accused of the crime do us all a favor and don't get on TV the next day okay I live next to him for 32 years I never could have seen this coming maybe you should be locked up for six months I find nothing more disrespectful you never could have seen it coming I've never met anyone in my entire life that I couldn't wrap my brain around the fact that they are capable of awful things literally no one my mom could blow up a nursery if you put me on
TV the next day I was completely honest myself I bet I can see it no it makes sense sometimes when I was a kid I'd come home from school she wasn't happy to see me I think she hates children ladies know that every man you're sitting next to you tonight if you could get into their head and see every thought they have ever had you would immediately pull out a gun and blow your head off because trust me they're capable of anything all day long every day nothing but twisted weird awful is just going round
and round and round and what do you do at night you snuggle up next to them because you're so happy that you're not alone and I think that says more about you that notion that your parents raised you on stand by your man if you're insane the second your man gets accused of anything you immediately distance yourself just be like good I don't know what the he's into by closing the next town will forgive you by the way I do love this country we're the only place with any diversity the entire planet is segregated you
realize that when you watch international sports I was trying to watch the World Cup despite hating it I get it soccers the most popular sport on the planet that's because half the world can't afford a/c and that's about how long you have to run just to get tired enough to fall asleep in these godforsaken countries you ever tried a gamble on soccer what's the over/under 0.5 mm how much time's left it's a secret I'm out but we have diversity other teams don't or if you look at the Olympics you look at our US gymnastics squad
we have an asian girl a white girl a black girl look at the Chinese squad any guesses did you guess exclusively Chinese yeah that's all that's ever been on that team that's all that will ever be on that team and they wonder why they're not getting Gold's anymore well you better get a Harlem in China you think snapping together iPads all day is tough it is not as tough as it used to be now they have suicide Nets around their building so they can jump out bounce right back sorry boss just need some fresh air
back to making Americans more stuff you got it this is a tough joke to do as a white comedian but here goes because where this country is now from where we came from is pretty remarkable there's nothing more shameful in our country's past than slavery okay it's horrible but I've grown up in a generation where I've idolized black people my entire life they are better at everything so the fact that we pulled off slavery I've already said it's awful that's off the table I'm just saying it's kind of neat I mean at any point they
could have been like you know we can just run away right and you will never catch us and if you do we will beat the living out of you that's about how well that jokes should go over there's a fine line between appreciating the sarcasm and who this feels like a rally and you did well that's a joke I do not do everywhere that's a joke if the audience gets a little too excited I shut it down you start hearing a couple yee-haws troubles of brewing soon as yeehaw hits a certain octave hate-crime in t-minus
ten nine the unemployment rate in our country is around six and a half percent and we're told that's pretty good I could care less I wish the president would have the balls to say what I'm about to ten percent of Americans don't deserve jobs good night like that's a number I can get my head around of course there's exceptions to that that's not who we're talking about but if you don't think ten percent of Americans are lazy pieces of then you have never traveled anywhere because the number that blows me away is that over ninety
percent of Americans have jobs who the is hiring you morons because I wouldn't the sense of entitlement everyone thinks they deserve more than they have no one's content young kids I won't even talk to them anymore because you parents have done such a bang-up job if I meet one more kid and ask him what he wants to do when he gets older and he replies only famous like you I'm gonna kick him in his teeth you're never gonna be famous never you have no chance I didn't get here because I work hard I have a
gift from God [Applause] everybody gets their 15 minutes of fame buddy excuse me that's an average yeah that's zero for you you you you zero zero zero zero zero 20 years zero zero zero zero zero everybody gets 15 minutes you know Andy Warhol was on drugs when he said that right he didn't think he'd be quoted for the rest of eternity let alone taken seriously as an artist you ever go into like a cute local cafe and an artist has their work for sale on the walls has anybody ever not walked up looked at the
price and gone who the do they think they are just once I'd like to walk into somebody's home beg Wow that is a beautiful piece where did you get it you know like Oh funny story I was getting a spinach wrap the other day for lunch and I had seven hundred and fifty dollars burning a hole in my pocket and I was like hey guys unbolt this from your urinal and get it into my living room you know the unemployment rate in China is neither do I because I'm American I'm stupid it's got to be
low right those people get up at 3 in the morning to practice the violin for 4 and a half hours then they work on math for 12 hours and whatever's left they're ninjas if you think for one second we will ever catch up with them you are out of your mind just sit at home and be patient until they take over and quite frankly they deserve our country I know China's here do we take off our shoes how does this work you
