I Was Pregnant And Wanted To Work From Home To Raise Our Child, But My Husband....-Reddit Family

I was pregnant and wanted to work from home to raise our child but my husband accused me of prioritizing my biological child over his daughter I am a saleswoman who does quite well for herself my husband and I have been married for 2 years and together for five this is my first marriage my husband's second he has an 8-year-old daughter from his former relationship and has always had complete custody of her our dating life was difficult because he was a full-time single dad and had to work long hours but we made it work after a

year of dating I met his four-year-old daughter I really liked her and I've always tried to be the best stepmother possible she calls me Mom and I've done all a mother would do for her I've helped her get dressed and ready for school done her hair cooked her meals assisted her with homework and soccer practice taken her on ice cream dates tucked her into bed and read her books I am not perfect and I have made mistakes but we have been a really happy family when my husband and I were engaged he asked if I

wanted to be a stay-at-home parent to Lizzy and any future children at that time I politely rejected it I was doing well in my job and enjoyed going to work so the idea of staying home all day with a child and doing nothing but cleaning and Mom things didn't appeal to me my then fiance was gracious and we both expected that would be the case with any future children we might have fast forward to now and I'm 6 months pregnant with our baby I'm on cloud N I am always in a state of joy and

something within me has changed I started thinking about being a stay-at-home parent and it didn't seem so horrible anymore more I love my son and want to spend as much time with him as possible I know it's not all roses and champagne there's a lot of poop drool crying and exhaustion but I can't bear the thought of having only two weeks of maternity leave and then handing over my kid to a stranger at daycare I've been thinking about this for months since I wanted to make sure it was something I truly desired rather than simply

wishful thinking I discussed the advantages and downsides with my supervisor I'm at the point in my profession where I can work from home full-time stay with my son and pick up my stepdaughter from school I wouldn't mind watching her and spending more time with her the more I consider it the more I want to attempt it so after putting little Lizzy to bed tonight I asked my husband if we could talk and excitedly mention my idea I was totally unprepared for his reaction my spouse was infuriated he raged that we promised I wouldn't be a

stay-at-home parent before we married but I was changing my mind now he accused me of being a bad stepmother that I plainly preferred our son over Lizzy and that my favoritism was disgusting trustingly obvious he also stated that I should not be allowed to stay at home with our son until his daughter could share the experience with me for the record Lizzy is incredibly excited about her little brother and cannot wait for him to be born she has never shown any signs of anxiety grief or jealousy toward him or me I was astonished and stunned

my spouse is on the couch his choice and I am crying in our room I am deeply offended by what my husband stated I realize I'm not perfect but I've done my best for Lizzie I never imag imagined I'd alter my mind about becoming a stay-at-home mom but now I really genuinely want to do so and I wouldn't have to give up my job which is a double plus my husband's words have deeply affected me and I am to be honest angry over his charge I love Lizzy more than the baby I truly adore Lizzy

while I confess that I have a stronger connection to this baby I believe this is due to my own experience with pregnancy this baby is half of me but it doesn't make me adore Lizzy any less it's simply different is this this really so wrong am I truly a lousy stepmother I hadn't planned on altering my mind again I intend to keep my career and I do not mind taking extra care of Lizzy in addition to the baby in fact I believe it may be an opportunity for us to become closer and connect over the

baby I'm not sure what to say to my hubby I tried to tell him everything I'd mentioned here including spending more time with Lizzie and being closer to her but all he did was yell harder and utter more horrible things about my parenting I'm pretty crushed and becoming angrier by the minute I believe I am a good stepmom to Lizzie and she seemed to agree my husband appears to be the only one who is having problems update thank you for your warm and encouraging comments on my last post they were quite helpful as were some

of the probable explanations for why my spouse suddenly blew up at me I did receive several angry private comments from what sounded like bitter single fathers which just confirmed my husband's unreasonable behavior to answer some of the questions in my last post I said that I had the right to alter my mind and that I wouldn't simply hand over my son to a stranger while sitting at work wondering about him all day I expressed my willingness to do more for Lizzy including taking her to the zoo and museums with the baby participating in PTA meetings

and attending all of her sporting events so she and her brother could watch and support each other I reminded him that this was a good approach for all of the kids and that his distorted sense of fairness where he wanted to deny our children a nurturing home simply because lizz's birth mother had failed her was incorrect I informed him that taking way possibilities for our children would not alleviate his guilt I even stated that I was willing to work through this seek counseling and speak with child psychologists or other professionals to obtain an unbiased professional

opinion on what was best for our family then he grew furiously enraged again he screamed that I was returning to work 2 weeks after giving delivery and that ended the conversation he claimed I'd had my chance to be a stay-at-home parent and because I didn't take it for Lizzie I couldn't do it now for our kid since he won't allow me now as as much as I adore my spouse and our children I refuse to be dominated I won't be told where I can and cannot work I will not be told if I can or

cannot work I'm not a dog I'm not a slave I will not be compelled to deny my own baby his mother and pass him over to a stranger simply because his sibling had a difficult start in life it is irrational to purposefully limit your own child's chances in the name of justice that is horrible parenting the fact that my spouse wanted to do this to me and our son threw a switch inside me I stood up quietly and told my spouse that I was going I informed him he had crossed the line and that I

needed some space from him I stated that I would not subject any of my children to such an abusive and controlling environment I told him that once things settled down we could go to marriage counseling because he obviously had deep-seated issues that needed to be addressed he grew upset and began crying you can't leave we have a family you can't take my son I was stunned at that point I responded for once you will take Lizzy to school and I will leave during that time I went into our room and started packing he stormed in

and began throwing my clothes from the bag while shouting at me I was genuinely afraid I'd never seen my spouse like this before I responded if you try to stop me from leaving or lay a hand on me I will call the police I also told him I was calling my mother to come get me up maybe this was an overreaction but I was terrified I only wanted to get myself and my son away from him he burst into tears and walked away I contacted my mother and told her she had to come immediately I

informed her that I did not feel comfortable and needed to stay with her for a bit I packed what I needed as quickly as possible and when my mother came I departed I've been with her for approximately 5 days and I'm feeling numb I can't believe how fast everything happened my family and marriage were turned upside down in a couple of days I wish I had never mentioned being a stay-at-home parent if I hadn't none of this would have occurred my husband and I were in North Carolina for a few days before he began messaging

and calling on day three saying Lizzie had been crying for me and missing me I've determined that Lizzie is safe I know my spouse would never mistreat her but I spoke to her yesterday to ensure she was eaten attended school and completed her homework she was crying and asking when I was going back and I didn't know what to respond so I responded I didn't know but I loved her very much I urged my husband not to use Lizzie as a pawn to trick me into returning because it wouldn't work he genuinely claimed I'm proving

I'm a bad stepar by not returning and being there for her I told him that if I'm so bad he shouldn't want me back and should not speak to me again until he's ready to go to counseling and leave Lizzy out of our difficulties I stated that if Lizzy was mentioned in any text or email I would delete it without reading the rest I established a rule that any phone call in which he attempts to bring her up outside of the context of her being safe and cared for I will immediately hang up I told

him I didn't want to talk to him right now and he should figure out what he wants because I'm prepared to file for divorce if he doesn't get it together soon my spouse began crying again but I simply hung up since I was too fatigued to deal with anymore that day he has remained silent since with the exception of a text I received today stating that he wants me back and misses me I honestly don't know where to go from here I'm still trying to comprehend everything and writing it down here helps I said that

I had the right to alter my mind and that I wouldn't simply hand over my son to a stranger while sitting at work wondering about him all day I expressed my willingness to do more for Lizzy including taking her her to the zoo and museums with the baby participating in PTA meetings and attending all of her sporting events so she and her brother could watch and support each other I reminded him that this was a good approach for all of the kids and that his distorted sense of fairness where he wanted to deny our children

a nurturing home simply because Lizzy's birth mother had failed her was incorrect I informed him that taking away possibilities for our children would not alleviate his guilt I even stated that I was willing to work through this seek counseling and speak with child psychologists or other professional to obtain an unbiased professional opinion on what was best for our family then he grew furiously enraged again he screamed that I was returning to work 2 weeks after giving delivery and that ended the conversation he claimed I'd had my chance to be a stay-at-home parent and because I

didn't take it for Lizzy I couldn't do it now for our kid since he won't allow me now as much as I adore my spouse and our children I refuse to be dominated I won't be told where I can and cannot work I will not be told if I can or cannot work I'm not a dog I'm not a slave I will not be compelled to deny my own baby his mother and pass him over to a stranger simply because his sibling had a difficult start in life it is irrational to purposefully limit your own

child's chances in the name of justice that is horrible parenting the fact that my spouse wanted to do this to me and our son threw a switch inside me I stood up quietly and told my spouse that I was going I informed him he had crossed the line and that I needed some space from him I stated that I would not subject any of my children to such an abusive and controlling environment I told him that once things settled down we could go to marriage counseling because he obviously had deep-seated issues that needed to be

addressed he grew upset and began crying you can't leave we have a family you can't take my son I was stunned at that point I responded for once you will take Lizzie to school and I will leave during that time I went into our room and started packing he stormed in and began throwing my clothes from the bag while shouting at me I was genuinely afraid I'd never seen my spouse like this before I responded if you try to stop me from leaving or lay a hand on me I will call the police I also

told him I was calling my mother to come get me up maybe this was an overreaction but I was terrified I only wanted to get myself and my son away from him he burst into tears and walked away I contacted my mother and told her she had to come immediately I informed her that I did not feel comfortable and needed to stay with her for a bit I packed what I needed as quickly as possible and when my mother came I departed I've been with her for approximately 5 days and I'm feeling numb I can't

believe how fast everything happened my family and marriage were turned upside down in a couple of days I wish I had never mentioned being a stay-at-home parent if I hadn't none of this would have occurred my husband and I were in North Carolina for a few days before he began messaging and calling on day three saying Lizzie had been crying for me and missing me I've determined that Lizzie is safe I know my spouse would never mistreat her but I spoke to her yesterday to ensure she was eaten attended school and completed her homework she

was crying and asking when I was going back and I didn't know what to respond so I responded I didn't know but I loved her very much I urged my husband not to use Lizzie as a pawn to trick me into returning because it wouldn't work he genuinely claimed I'm proving I'm a bad stepparent by not returning and being there for her I told him that if I'm so bad he shouldn't want me back and should not speak to me again until he's ready to go to counseling and leave Lizzy out of our difficulties I

stated that if Lizzie was mentioned in any text or email I would delete it without reading the rest I established a rule that any phone call in which he attempts to bring her up outside of the context of her being safe and cared for I will immediately hang up I told him I didn't want to talk to him right now and he should figure out what he wants because I'm prepared to file for divorce if he doesn't get it together soon my spouse began crying again but I simply hung up since I was too fatigued

to deal with anymore that day he has remained silent since with the exception of a text I received today stating that he wants me back and misses me I honestly don't know where to go from here I'm still trying to comprehend everything and writing it down here helps I had never offended him and was not his ex-wife so why was he making me suffer for what she had done to him it boiled down to my husband's fear that I would become like his ex that I would prioritize our boy above Lizzy and that I would

injure or Stop Loving Her the therapist addressed the distinction between his kids and my our kids she emphasized that my husband needs to understand that it is is natural to feel more connected and attached to biological children than to stepchildren she reminded him that while Lizzy and our boy were his children that was not the case for me which was not only natural and expected but also acceptable she asked him have I not been loving and kind to Lizzy had I not cared for her had I not gone out of my way to sacrifice for

her as any parent would my husband responded reluctantly but enthusiastically to all of the questions so the therapist told me that there was nothing wrong with having feelings or changing my mind as long as I continued to love respect and treat Lizzy with care she told us there was no problem she also pointed out that while my husband may be offended because Lizzie is also his biological child it was unfair for him to expect me to feel the same love and connection to her that he did in reality she argued it was impossible because I

hadn't carried her given birth to her or breastfed her and she hadn't entered my life until she was a young girl the therapist highlighted that there are several types of love and that my special link with the infant as well as my desire to stay at home and Nest were not only natural but also did not imply that I had lost my mother's love for Lizzie it wasn't about loving her less being unjust or doing something wrong it was just different she stated one of the most common mistakes biological parents make with steep parents is

guilting or shaming them about their sentiments for stepchildren versus biological children insisting that love must be the same she admitted that while this instinct is normal and protective it is frequently the biological parent who causes friction and strain if if not handled properly both stepar parent and stepchild may feel inferior in some circumstances the biological parent May overcompensate by making the stepchild the favorite one in an attempt to correct a perceived bias this was beginning to reflect my own emotions the therapist concluded by stating that even biological parents have favorites among their children but the

key is not to act on them or make it known she assured us that I was handling things well and had done an excellent job thus far in fact we were ahead of the game because Lizzie was thrilled with the preg Y and had a really positive and close bond with me my husband argued that my staying home with our son but not with Lizzie was clear favoritism the therapist argued with several previously established points at the time I was unable to work from home due to my professional circumstances if I wanted to stay at

home with Lizzie I would have had to quit my career completely I wasn't in a position in our relationship to be a stay-at-home mom I wasn't married yet and didn't feel comfortable giving up all of my financial stability without a commitment Lizzie was already in preschool she was not a newborn most individuals would not want to give up a fulfilling career to stay at home full-time with a child who did not need constant care especially if they had no biological link to the child Lizzie would not know the difference she was old enough to comprehend

that I was not her biological mother and that I had not entered her life until she was no longer a baby or toddler furthermore even young children may grasp that babies require more care than preschoolers especially if it is taught to them correctly in brief the therapist stressed that the fact that I was eager to spend time with Lizzy wanted her to be a part of the baby's life wasn't territorial or aggressive about the pregnancy and continued to play an active role in Lizzy's life were all very positive signals she stated that we were doing

significantly better than many other step families in our circumstance I'm sad to inform you that my hubby tried but couldn't accept it we tried more family trips and therapy but he backed away saying he felt ganged up on and that no one was on his side he couldn't understand why I would stay at home to care for a baby I asked him directly if he wanted the baby and he sounded surprised he said of course I do but added that he merely wanted to make sure his daughter received what was promised to her finally he

refused to compromise frankly I saw it as clearly unfair and harsh to our kid to insist that he be placed in daycare or assigned to a nanny or opair all in the name of fairness despite both his therapist and our stressing that fairness does not always imply equality he refused to listen it was as if he didn't want to recognize my role as a stay-at-home parent would benefit his kid I believe my husband expected me to Cave but all it did was cause me to lose love and affection for him especially when he finished therapy

I informed him that if he did that or continued to insist on getting his way I would file for formal separation I guess he thought I was lying but when nothing changed I went directly to an attorney's office he was completely surprised when I served him I have set up a semiformal custody agreement I'll maintain working from home while living with my parents when I go into labor my husband is not permitted to enter the birthing room instead he must remain in the waiting room he can see and hold our son but only while I

am present and someone else is overseeing I insisted on this because to be honest I am terrified of my spouse and do not trust him my hubby is overcome with astonishment and grief his family is furious with him and absolutely supports me albeit they are obviously concerned about the whole scenario I've told all of his relatives that they're welcome to attend the birth and hold the kid in fact I want them there to watch my spouse with the baby and make sure he doesn't do anything bad my hubby is constantly texting calling and emailing me

he says he can't believe I am doing this he begs why can't you listen to me and understand me please come back and be a family again among other things I've told him that he needs to go back to therapy and I need to be able to trust him with our son that trust will only come when I notice a shift in his attitude toward our son and my stepdaughter I need to feel like a wife to him and not simply a mother to Lizzy I truly love Lizzy every day I cry because I've lost

her but I didn't marry my spouse to become her mother I married him because I loved him and wanted to spend my life with him I knew being a stepmother was part of the deal but it wasn't the only reason I married him Lizzie calls me frequently and I converse with her I've seen her a couple times after the Fiasco her father is not permitted to talk about her with me because I believe he is manipulative but I also do not want to take Lizzy out of my life completely I absolutely love that girl and

I have shed many tears for her while she goes through this I tell Lizzy how much I love her that none of this is her fault and that I am doing everything I can to make things work I tell her that I still want her to be in both my and her brother's lives I tell her that she is the best bonus daughter and sister in the world my husband's family has informed me that Lizzie is having difficulty adjusting to our separation she has even cried at her father you made both of my mommies leave

I was scared Lizzie would hate me for this yet the exact reverse has happened her grades are failing she is miserable she constantly cries and she has become quite disrespectful to her father I begged my husband to get her to counseling he eventually did and it's helping her the guilt I experience is enormous and crushing I feel as if I have single-handedly destroyed my family but deep down I know I'm making the right choice by standing firm on my boundaries insisting on being treated with love and respect and asking that my husband do the same

for both children I can't fix him and if he refuses to seek therapy for his problems then I have no future with him I'm not ready to file for divorce just yet so I'm pursuing legal separation my husband says that he wants this to work I informed him that I needed to see improvements in his life beginning with him returning to therapy I want to save my marriage but I have done everything I can if my husband will not do his share all I can do is go on I've informed my husband that if he

doesn't get back into therapy by the time our son is a month old I I'll file for divorce I also informed him that if he abuses me damages me or even considers dating other people again I will file for divorce overall this is a disappointing update but writing it down has been a form of catharsis for me so I figured I'd share thank you for watching if you haven't subscribed yet please do so and hit the notification Bell to stay updated with more shocking real life stories happening around you